Dugdale... is interested.
- In the house?! - Yes!
- Really? Did he say that?! - Really!
I'll give you a tour of the upstairs now.
- Oh! - You numpty...
- You're writing a children's book? - Trying to, yes.
- What's it about? - It's going to be about a family of animals
trying to make sense of everything,
but realising that they haven't got a clue, and never will!
Sounds a bit like us!
Does it? Gosh, no!
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -
Did you, er, put up a sign here last time?
- I did. - So you just work for the same firm all the time?
I'll work for anyone, I know no shame.
Oh... 'cos this is my third attempt.
- Third agent? - Yeah.
You're just a beginner.
There's plenty more out there.
I look forward to it...
- Morning. - Ah, morning.
Oh... look at you!
You beautiful thing!
He likes to pay his respects.
Oh, dog's graves.
A very old one.
You a church-goer?
- Used to be. - Not any more?
Not until the Church accepts that all animals have souls.
Well, they'd never let us bury our dogs here now.
Soul health and safety, eh?
- Well, you've got a cat. - Deidre.
- With a soul? - Oh, in abundance, yes.
We are far too arrogant about all other species.
I mean, we are just another - albeit, very ingenious - animal.
Amen to that. I better mention it to the new estate agent
I spent the morning with.
- Was he difficult? - Pompous!
Pompous in a way that animals never are, you know?
Just too... too self-important to listen.
Yap, yap, yap, yap...
Well, good morning, everyone. Thank you for coming along,
all ready to contribute to the live performing arts, eh?
And nothing could be more live than Methuselah...
the amazing, singing crocodile.
Actually, he's got a terrible voice. He only gets away with it
because of his novelty value, you know?
Anyway, Methuselah's now going to give you a fantastic rendition
of the classic rock song, Good Golly, Miss Molly.
And... go!
♪ Sweet Molly who lives at the foot of the hill... ♪
No, no. No, no, no. No. Wrong Molly.
I'm talking about the classic rock song: Good Golly, Miss Molly.
OK? Go!
I don't do rock and roll, it's beneath me.
Can you believe this?!
- I have my pride. - Just get on with it!
We're going to lose this lovely audience!
♪ In Dublin's fair city where the girls are so pretty ♪
♪ Twas there I first met with sweet Molly Malone... ♪
Molly Malone? Who's Molly Malone?!
Would you just get on with it!
♪ As she drove her wheelbarrow through streets... ♪
- Would you shut him up?! - I can't.
Once he's made his mind up, I can't.
♪ Singing cockles and mussels ♪ ♪ Alive, alive, oh ♪
♪ Alive, alive, oh! Alive, alive, oh! ♪
♪ Saying, cockles and mussels, alive, alive, oh... ♪
A-a-a-a-a-rgh-h-h-h... !
Your doctor says
your mother has severe mobility problems,
has almost entirely lost the power of speech,
and is subject to fits of uncontrollable rage.
Good grief!
That sounds really bad, doesn't it?
Erm... I mean, when you say it like that...
- I presume you don't have a regular job? - No.
- Erm, I did do, but I had to give it up. - To look after your mother?
Yeah! Yeah... yeah.
... a-a-a-a-a-a-a-rgh!
... a-a-a-rgh!
What happened to you? Have you completely lost it?
Mrs Pool.
- Who's she? - She's the head honcho from social services.
She was staring at me.
Did she give us anything?
She recognised me from when I pretended that Queenie was my mum,
and I applied to be her carer.
Ah, see, that was another great idea of mine...
... that you managed to balls up.
I could be prosecuted! What if she thinks I'm sane and normal?
- Roger... nobody is going to think that of you. - Ah...
That's right, yeah, no-one.
No-one's going to think that.
Would you put that damn thing away?
What did we take?
ã8.20p.
Stingy sods!
That's not enough for Wendy's alimony, is it? No.
Poor Roger! Poor, poor Roger!
Oh, good morning, Mrs Pool!
Helen! Bright and early.
Yes. Well, I came in a bit early 'cos I was hoping to leave a bit...
Not now, Helen.
Maybe later in the day.
We had this middle-aged man here last year,
who wanted to care for his mother,
and as I recall, the family situation was rather complex.
I've just seen him by the river, busking with an older man
and this... crocodile, it was rather bothering.
Felicity told me about the crocodile man.
Apparently, that whole family's a bit SCARY.
- This is Edith, my mum. - Hello, Edith!
Roger has to carry me to the lavatory.
Yes. Normally, she's just completely incontinent.
Roger, your mother's insisting she's Queenie, the cleaning lady.
Mum! Don't say that.
I'm not your mum, and I can't honestly say I'm altogether sorry.
Roger, I wonder if care in the home would be adequate in this case?
I think it is.
You see how fickle men are.
When he thinks I'm Edith, he wants to marry me.
When he thinks I'm a cleaning lady, he doesn't.
Night-night, Felicity.
It was because of that family she decided to leave!
That's an excellent example for you of why it's vital for us
to remain impartial.
Compassionate... but impartial.
I know it's not always easy.
Felicity's report has to be here somewhere...
She said they were all a bit quirky.
Quirky? If that was our yardstick for not helping people,
we'd help no-one. Ah, here we are.
Roger Stevens.
Ah... Auntie Joan.
You're still here?
I shall ignore that little jibe.
I've been on my own all day. Where is everybody?
- Out. - Ah.
Shopping, I expect?
There's an awful lot of shopping goes on in this household.
I'm beginning to think your mother's avoiding me.
What would she do that?
Roger, be a good chap. Make a cup of tea?
Some toast?
I'm famished!
- I think I've lost weight since I've been here. - Hm...
It's that muesli your mother buys, it's making holes in my stomach.
It's like eating broken crockery.
You found a job yet?
Oh, thanks for asking.
A couple of years in the Army would have sorted you out.
Yeah, I could have a gun to shoot myself with.
Cleaning out the latrines.
A tour of duty... under heavy fire...
... in some pitiless desert somewhere.
Huh!
Hello, who's speaking?
Good morning. My name is Helen Redfern,
I'm calling from the social services department.
- May I speak to Mr Roger Stevens, please? - Mr Stevens isn't here.
He's in Brazil.
- Brazil? - Yeah. Yeah, you know...
where the nuts come from.
But he's just been seen performing in Twickenham?
Er... yeah. That... that... Yes.
But then... he had to go to Brazil...
... er, urgently.
Erm... oh! What did you want with him?
We've been reviewing Mr Stevens' application to be a carer
for his mother, and we've decided that he might after all be eligible.
What? We're looking back at cases where applicants may have been
put off by the bureaucracy, or are reluctant to accept help
because they feel they don't deserve it.
And you think that... that... that Roger might still stand a chance?
Well, subject to further interview, maybe.
- Another interview? - Since Mr Stevens is in Brazil...
No, no, no! Wait, wait. Erm...
Oh, yeah! I think he said he's coming back tomorrow.
Let me just check. Yes, definitely.
Tomorrow?
- Yeah, well, it was an emergency visit. - Right, OK.
I'll call again in two days' time.
How did that go?
Erm...
That was Derek. Yeah... Old friend.
Cor, what a joker!
- Roger. - What?
Go to the chemist and get me some corn pads.
Corn pads?
Look at this!
- This is Wendy! - Wendy?
Well, she's done it, she's written her book!
- Good Lord! - I TOLD you she'd been going to the zoo,
doing research for a children's book.
- Well, do they have lemmings at the zoo? - Oh, come on!
Let's go and cheer her on.
They'd have to keep replacing them, wouldn't they?
- Do you read a lot? - Yes.
- What's your name? - Ophelia.
Ophelia...
... thank you for buying my book. I hope you enjoy it.
And I hope it's not patronising.
Oh, well... I hope it's not, too.
- Is it an allegory? - Well, er...
... probably.
Mm.
Wendy, congratulations!
- Edith! - Phil!
- Very good! Very good indeed. - Thank you.
Now, lemmings have got a tendency to commit collective suicide
- by throwing themselves off cliffs, right? - That's what people think.
Well, it's perfect bedtime reading for small children.
- It's a fallacy. - It's not true?
No, they're just migrating in search of food.
They don't go looking for the edge of a cliff on purpose,
but if one happens sometimes to lie on their path...
But isn't that a bit of a disappointment
for a bloodthirsty seven-year-old?
Phil, buy several copies.
Oh, no. Phil, don't. It's for kids.
Erm... it's absolutely not for you.
Not at all, so...
Several copies? I don't have any cash.
Well, use your credit card.
Phil, really, honestly, I'll bring a copy round.
- Ah, so you found a publisher? - Yes...
... me!
You published it? Is that difficult?
Erm, well, not really. Sandra helped me.
Oh! Sandra lent you the money, did she?
- Has she told you? - No, no, I guessed.
- So, did you get a good rate? - Phil.
- Hm? - Buy ten copies.
- Ten?! - Yes, Christmas presents. Absolutely perfect!
- But we've just had Christmas... - Yes, well, there's another one
- just around the corner. - Oh, yes, that's true.
Yes, I forgot about that one. All right...
Wendy, this is wonderful!
- I'm so impressed. I do hope it goes well for you. - Oh!
Thank you, Edith. Yes...
- ... JK Rowling, watch out! - Ooh!
- Good grief! - What is it?
Well, this is all about us.
- I thought it was about lemmings? - No, no, no. It's about us,
extremely thinly disguised as Mr and Mrs Lemming.
Listen, "Evie and Bill Lemming decide to move to somewhere
warm and sunny where the kitchen isn't damp."
My kitchen isn't damp!
Well, that's poetic licence.
"The return of the prodigal.
Podger Lemming, the most unreliable member of the family,
leaves his wife and children and goes back to live with his mum, Evie."
Good heavens!
And it goes on. Look, this is a serious bit, er...
"Podger Lemming, with the help of his dodgy friend,
Baz the Burglar Lemming, tries to cheat the social services
and become a carer for his mother, who doesn't need one."
- She doesn't have much imagination, does she? - No, no...
But what if the social services get wind of this?
- Do you think she's done it on purpose? - Well, it's possible.
I mean, Roger does bring out
the most primitive urges for retribution.
- What are we going to do? - Well, hire a lawyer, spend a fortune
and get nowhere, or...
... do nothing and hope that the Lemming Family
just sinks without trace.
Which is probably what will happen, because, thankfully, it's...
... REALLY badly written.
Do they all run off a cliff in the end?
Sadly, no.
Oh, why did she have to do this? Why couldn't it be a nice,
little children's book about penguins and kittens and butterflies?
I don't know.
Still, on a cheerier note, I've had an offer on the house.
Really?! Phil! From Jack Dugdale?
No, no. But full asking price.
The trouble is, there's a chain.
- But still, it's an offer. Things could be on the up! - Yeah.
Yeah. The only thing we have to do now...
... is to get rid of your sister.
I mean, if I killed her, maybe Wendy could write a whodunnit about it.
No, it wouldn't work, too many suspects.
Oh, the trouble with Joan is she doesn't want to be on her own.
She couldn't cope. Not any more.
Neither can we.
Not after six weeks.
I know.
First, Roger...
... then Joan, then a plague of lemming.
Darling, we've got to escape...
... before the waters close in over our heads.
Mum... I've some good news!
Have you, dear? Where's Joan?
Oh, she went back to bed.
Erm, she thinks you're trying to kill her off with inferior muesli.
Oh for goodness' sake!
Muesli would not be MY weapon of choice.
I'd make her a nice barbed-wire omelette.
The good news is... I got a call from the social services office.
Oh, no! What about?
Well, they've decided, after all, that I might be eligible
- to be a carer. - What?
A carer? What, for me?!
Yes, well, they're trying to encourage people who might
otherwise be ashamed to ask.
Well, that hardly applies to you, does it?
It's out of the question. We are not going through all that again!
You'd be languishing somewhere at Her Majesty's pleasure
if it wasn't for us.
Well, they got in touch with me, I didn't do anything.
No! The answer is no.
Well, they're coming round to see us on Friday morning.
- You invited them? - They insisted.
Look, if you're determined to pursue a career as a professional liar,
then at least try to make SOME of your lies slightly credible.
That would get you off to a really good start
- Call them back and tell them. - Tell them what?
Tell them your mother doesn't need a carer, and she's not prepared to
lie about it on your behalf!
- And she doesn't need one. - Well, she doesn't have to...
... Queenie'll do that.
- Queenie? - Queenie's involved?!
Yeah, I gave her a call, she's coming round.
- Oh! - Look...
- Listen... - No!
And take that jigsaw off the table!
- It's a Van Gogh! - I don't care what it is, it can't stay there.
- Well, we can put a cloth over it. - No, we can't.
Well, it's too big to put anywhere else.
Then you shouldn't have got it!
Well, I didn't know it was going to be this big!
- He went mad, you know? - What?!
Van Gogh, he went mad.
Is it any wonder?
I got an SOS from Roger. What's up?
- What, he hasn't told you? - Sounded like good news.
Social services have come back, they want to make me a carer.
I'm not impersonating Edith again, if that's what you're thinking.
Thank you, Queenie.
Listen, it... it wouldn't be for long, half an hour at most.
- No! - But they're on my side this time!
It'll be like pushing at an open door.
You've got to admire his sheer, dogged denial of reality,
haven't you, yeah, this...
... pure boneheadedness. It's a rare quality.
It's fraud!
Mum... Mum, I need the income!
I'm paying alimony, it's a... it's a killer.
This would be perfect!
- Don't be daft, Roger. - Out of the question.
- Hello, Queenie. - Oh, hello, Joan.
- How are you? - Dreadful. I don't know why I bother.
Nobody else seems to.
Oh!
Van Gogh. Didn't he cut his ear off?
Yes, he did. Do you know anything else about it?
Should I?
Corn pads, two packs.
Oh... and some laxatives. Just mention my name.
I'll be watching the telly. Not that there's anything TO watch.
I don't know why they took the sheep dog trials off,
I used to love that.
Edith...
... let me know if I can give you any advice on how to turn
all that shopping into something...
... edible.
Mum... please.
All right. We'll do it.
- Do what? - Have the social services back.
- What?! - Roger needs a job!
Oh, thank you!
- Edith! - Are you sure, Edith?
I'm sure. Quite, quite sure.
- You've read all the case notes? - Several times.
And... try and participate a bit more this time, Helen.
Make a contribution.
Righty-ho.
I'm Vivian Pool from social services,
and this is my assistant, Helen.
And I'm Queenie Gale, the cleaning lady.
And, sometimes, Mrs Stephens.
No. Come in.
Vivian and Helen from social services.
Hello. I'm Edith, Roger's mother.
Oh, as well?
His actual mother. The real one.
- And this is Roger. - Hello.
I expect you're very tired, and it must be a bit cold for you.
- What? - After Brazil?
Oh, yes. Er... yes, yes, it is bit. Yes, after Brazil!
This is Phil Parton.
My very good friend and Edith's intended!
Not my intended, no.
That was over once he took to the paper bags.
Please sit down. Tea, coffee?
- Tea, thank you. - I'll get it.
Joan, would you turn that off and come over and say hello
- to Vivian and Helen? - If you insist.
Nothing worth watching, anyway.
This is my sister, Joan.
Joan, this is Vivian and Helen from social services.
Well, I hope you've come to stay.
This house is like a morgue most of the time, everyone out shopping.
Phil? Roger?
Vivian and I would like a quiet chat on our own.
Hold on, Phil.
No, this way. Yeah...
Oh, dear.
And duck... yep.
- Joan, could you go and give Queenie a hand? - A hand?
In the kitchen.
Right...
What's going on in there? They're taking their time.
Mum seemed a bit strained...
... don't you think?
- Funny, her changing her mind like that. - Yeah...
- ... not like her at all. - Oh.
Ah, Queenie.
- It's fixed. - Fixed?
You're a carer.
- I'm a carer? - You're kidding.
- No, it's official. - Good Lord.
Wow!
Yeah. Thanks to your mum.
You better make a decent job of it.
- Let's not set the bar TOO high. - No.
Ah, well done, Roger.
Oh! Er... thanks.
There's a bit of paperwork to do, you'll be getting a letter.
- Oh, a letter? - Nothing very complicated.
Thank you, Edith. Thank you very, very much.
Thank YOU, Vivian.
- Goodbye, Joan. - Yes, thank you.
- Queenie. - Bye!
Mr Parton.
Goodbye... Mr Parton.
Ta-ta!
Mum! You did it!
Joan, switch that off.
It's just for a trial period.
- Oh. - Yes, but if you're satisfactory,
there's no reason it can't be extended.
That's fantastic!
Oh, yeah, what about pay?
Ooh, well, not a lot...
... but it'll help if you're careful.
I'll top it up, if necessary.
- You'll do that? - Yes.
Why would you do that?
Because I'm naturally a very giving and generous person.
Ha! Yeah, but...
No, no. No, hang on...
No. Wait... wait a minute.
No.
Mum!
He's grinning. That's bad.
That... that... that's very bad.
No. Please, Mum. No.
Mum!
You didn't think you'd get away with being a carer for ME, did you?!
Not for Auntie Joan! Please!
This is known as a comeuppance.
With knobs on.
It'll do you good, Roger.
No, it won't! I can't do it.
Never. My destiny is not shopping for corn pads!
Then, we're off to a good start.
Just be careful with that, there's breakables in there.
- Breakables? - Yes, my picture frames,
my Royal Worcester china.
I didn't realise I'd brought so much,
you must have thought I was coming for months!
Ha! Wouldn't you!
Mum...
Roger, it's for the best.
Give it a try. Surprise us.
Oh... Oh.
Send us a card.
Just the one.
Absolute genius!
Oh, you're brilliant!
Two birds with one stone.
I love you to bits.
- Fingers crossed. - Give me a kiss.
- Edith! - Queenie!
- Right on cue. - You just missed them.
No, it's not that.
Switch the telly on, Wendy's on, any minute.
What?
I felt like I wanted to set myself the challenge of trying to write
a book that would engage children, but I do think
that we have to accept that our children are hooked on smartphones
and their computer games. I know mine are.
But they're never going to stop reading stories that they can
- really relate to. - Yes.
Which happily seems to be the case with
your new book: The Lemming Family.
Which has just been awarded the prestigious Prendergast prize
for children's literature. Wendy Stephens.
Good God!
- That's wonderful. - Clever girl.
And do stay with us, Wendy, as we turn to a related subject
of funding for school libraries.
We're joined by Ken Burfield from the Internet Education Trust.
- Hello. - And Vivian Pool
who, in addition to her role as regional director
of social services, also chairs
the Children's Educational Needs Foundation.
- Thank you both for coming in today. - My pleasure.
May I just congratulate Wendy?
- Oh, thank you. - I haven't read your book yet, Wendy,
but I most certainly will. I'm looking forward to it.
Well, it's really for children.
Mr Burfield...
We're sunk, aren't we?
- That's it, we're sunk. - Why?
Well, it's all in there, it's all in the book, isn't it?
I mean, Roger's conspiracy, our attempt to, sort of, cover it up!
I can see the headlines!
Lemming-gate!
- A-a-a-agh! - Oh...
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -