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Over at your lady friend's last night?
- Is this the walk of shame? - Gina, only women have walks of shame.
Men have walks of, "Yes! I did it!"
So you guys are having fun, huh?
Yeah, ever since we started going out, Alex has turned into this sex monster.
- Check this out. - Are those teeth marks? She bite you?
Those are mine. I had to bite myself to stop from screaming.
- Wow, sweet little Alex has a wild side. - Yeah.
- Hey, Joey. - Hey, Alex.
Hey, Alex.
You know, Alex, you and me should hang out more.
- What? - You know, do more girlie stuff...
...like drink too much wine, massage each other.
You ever seen the movie Wild Things?
Hey, I thought Mom and Dad sent you to a camp to get over that.
I'll be right back.
So sex life is good. How's the rest of the relationship?
The rest of it?
Oh, you mean like sleeping and trying not to fart in front of each other?
I give it a five.
No, I mean like real relationship stuff.
It's you and Alex. You shouldn't just be doing it.
You should be having moments.
Like you and Jimmy have moments? All you do is yell at each other.
So did Ike and Tina Turner, and that was the greatest love story ever told.
Yeah, Gina, you really gotta watch the end of that movie.
And there's other stuff. The other day, we were playing Monopoly.
I look at Jimmy, and he's running over the little dog with the little racecar...
...and carting away his body with the little wheelbarrow.
And I felt a warmth in my body that, dare I say, was better than sex.
I'm surprised to hear you talk like this.
Well, what me and Jimmy have is special. And I want the same for you.
You know, he keeps me really satisfied and leaves me wanting nothing.
Except for that.
Come on. Let's go put some lipstick on and wash my car, huh?
Oh, okay, sure.
- Hey. - Check it out.
I just met the hottest girl on the Internet.
- Oh, yeah, how do you know she's hot? - Because she described herself to me.
Michael, it's the Internet. People lie. As I found out when I got you...
...this authentic stormtrooper helmet for 5 grand.
Look, you can be as cynical as you want, Joey.
This is how my generation meets people, okay?
She says she's a lovely young woman, I happen to believe her.
Sorry, I'm sure you'll be very happy with "Sexysteve87."
So what? Stevie Nicks, that's a woman. Steve can be a girl's name.
Michael, I've gone out with a lot of women, never one named Steve.
I've been with four Desdemonas, two Saffrons and one girl named Bottle.
Okay, this is a dude.
Out of my way, I gotta use your can. I was down at the track...
...and I cannot use any facility where men have been before.
And yet you date my sister.
I really gotta go, but that's solid comedy, Joe.
- He's gone. Do it. - Okay.
What are you looking at, huh? I got a beard that looks like a raccoon.
Oh, hey, what's this?
- Oh, my God, an engagement ring. - Oh, my God, he finally bought one.
Joe, my parents are getting married.
This is great. You're not gonna be a bastard anymore.
Actually, I was already born out of wedlock...
...so them getting married now doesn't change that.
No, you can stop whining about wanting them to get married.
- You've been a real bastard about it. - Oh, yeah.
Look at that, huh?
My mom's gonna be so excited. We can't let her find out.
Yeah, it's gonna be hard to keep it from her. She's so good at figuring stuff out.
"I'm Detective Gina. "
"Yeah, look at me, this is my magnifying glass.
Oh, wait, it's a banana. "
- What's this? - Oh, hey.
Is this Jimmy's? Is it for me?
Jimmy, are you gonna ask me to marry you?
What? You found the ring? What the hell did you do?
Whoa, why do you assume it was me?
- What's the deal? You gonna propose? - I guess I got no choice now, do I?
- You talk to me like that, maybe I'll say yes. - I'd be the happiest man on earth.
- I'll be your wife and I'll love you forever! - Then it's settled! We're betrothed!
They are sweet to each other, even when they're yelling.
I wish I had that connection with someone.
- Me too. - I'm gonna talk to Alex.
- I'm gonna talk to Sexysteve. - Yeah...
Gina...
...I want you to be my wife.
Jimmy, it's too big for my finger.
Well, I've noticed that the Tribbiani women tend to pork up a little bit once married.
Gina, there you are.
I've wanted to ask you out for two years...
...and, heck, you know, something in my gut just tells me now is the right time.
Will you go out with me?
Oh, Howard, I just...
Okay, that's a setback.
Hey, Michael, I...
Okay, where is rock bottom with you?
I'm dancing on my webcam so my girlfriend can watch. She asked me to do it.
And how is Sexysteve?
She is turned on.
Did she recommend this cowboy outfit?
That's right. Isn't technology amazing? She's been traveling on business...
...but we can do this whether she's in Key West or on Fire Island.
- All right, I'm gonna leave you to it. - Wait a second, she saw you.
She's typing something.
And, okay, she wants you to make me lick this.
- Did you buy a Camaro Z28? - Yeah, '79, isn't it awesome?
Yeah, I was wondering where you came up with the money. Where's my ring?
I sold it. What's your problem?
- That ring represented my love for you. - And I cherished it.
And then I sold it and I bought something good.
I cannot believe this. How could you want a stupid car more than a ring?
Stupid car? A '78 Z28 is the same car we conceived Michael in.
That was my car.
Why don't you return the car and go get the ring back?
It's not about the ring anymore. I feel I don't know who you are anymore.
I don't know how excited I am to marry somebody so selfish.
I don't know how excited I am to marry a control freak with a 24-inch waist.
Stop, stop it. Stop it. You guys are getting married.
You're gonna have angry kids with beards and fake boobs, all right?
You just need to talk through your problems with someone.
Remember Mary Angela was worried Donny wouldn't stop messing around...
...so they talked to Father Maldini? - That worked, their marriage lasted months.
Exactly.
- Hey. - Hey.
Oh, you look different from the last time I saw you here.
What are those weird colored fabrics you're wearing?
Oh right, they're clothes. Lose them.
Actually, you know...
...I thought it might be fun to try to connect on another level.
You know, let's hang out and play Monopoly instead of sex.
Before sex.
Joey, what is all of this?
Okay, look, Gina said this is how she and Jimmy connect.
Okay, that they have these, like, moments.
And what else did she say worked?
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
You stupid whore, I hope you die!
- Why would you say that to me? - No, no, no, it's okay, it's okay.
We'll have sex, we'll have sex.
Father O'Neill should be here any minute. He's really gonna help you two.
How do you know this guy?
I studied him for Law & Order where I played a priest.
As a master mimic, I was really able to capture his essence.
- Hello, Joey. Good to see you again. - Top of the morning to you, Father O'Neill.
I bet you think you're talking to a mirror.
Joey, I don't sound like that.
I was born in Encino.
Born in Encino in the shade of a four-leaf clover.
I saw the TV show.
Your performance was nothing like me, and it was offensive.
I be finding this offensive.
- Now you're just doing a pirate. - Yeah, I lost it. Come on in.
You must be Jimmy and Gina. Joey tells me you're very involved with the church.
Yeah, oh, yeah, no, we're big fans of your pews and your hymnals...
...and your nuns and whatnot.
Yes, we really feel like we've hit our stride. Thank you.
- Well, shall we begin? - Yeah.
All right, I'm just gonna make a little snack. Can I get anything for you, Father?
Pint of Guinness? Corned beef and cabbage? Lucky Charms?
Mama Mia, make me a pizza pie. A pasta e fagioli.
See, how's that make you feel?
Not great.
I have some friends who are Asian.
So you have some concerns about your compatibility?
Pre-marriage communication is very important...
...and I've come up with an exercise that might be useful.
I'd like you to each write down a secret...
...something your partner doesn't know about you.
That sounds fun. You have another pad?
Just ignore him.
What kind of secret?
It's important that you feel free to share anything.
Believe me, it's better to have it come out now than later.
All right, we'll begin with Gina's revelation.
Gina dated 50 Cent.
That's it? That's too small. I need mine back.
Jimmy, this is a safe environment.
And I'm sure no one's gonna be shocked to learn that you...
Oh, for crying out loud.
You're freaking married?
You're married?
All right, I don't wanna pour gasoline on this fire...
...but I've never been to Pennsylvania.
Gina, it was a marriage of convenience. I went to go visit a friend in prison.
I met this rich lady, I figured I'd marry her, live off her money.
So you're rich?
No, my luck, she ended up losing it all as a result of legal fees, lawsuits...
...and my ill-fated bid to win the America's Cup.
So it wasn't, like, a romantic thing?
No, I'd go there once in a while and hold hands.
I always meant to get out of it, but I felt bad for her.
Plus, she kept making me these neat wooden gifts.
Oh, my God, it looks just like a lion.
What can you make, Gina?
Jimmy, I put up with enough crap from you, but this is too much. You take care of this.
Oh, boy.
I really pooped the old bed there, Joe.
All right, I should've handled this long ago. I'm gonna go visit Tracy.
- It could get ugly. Come for support. - Sure.
Hey, any chance this prison's in Pennsylvania?
What's the deal with you and Pennsylvania?
You wanna see the Liberty Bell, run like Rocky?
Oh, that's in Pennsylvania? I've been there.
- Hey. - Hey.
- What's with the bag? Going somewhere? - I'm just IM'ing with Sexysteve right now.
She sent me money so I could meet her in Las Vegas.
- Michael, you are not doing that. - No, I think I am. Listen to this.
She already booked a room, right, she wants me to check in, okay...
...put on a blindfold, handcuff myself to the bed, right...
...then she and her girlfriend, Tony, are gonna walk in...
Sexysteve is a dude, all right, and I'll prove it to you. Here, sit down.
Type this. "Did you watch Oprah today?"
- "I hate Oprah. " - My God, it's a dude!
- Yeah. - Oh, my God!
Hey, Alex. Sure, can't wait.
Great. Alex is coming over and she's gonna wanna do it.
Your mom put this idea in my head that I should have something deeper with Alex...
...but we end up fooling around, and now that doesn't feel like enough.
I mean, don't you want a special connection when you talk to "HumanToilet62"?
- Hey. - Hey.
- What do you say we go upstairs? - We can...
...but maybe we can find something else we like.
I know Monopoly didn't work...
Come on, a little less "yakety-yak," and a little more "hello!" Let's get going.
Alex, there you are.
I've been wanting to ask you something for the last two years...
...and a little birdie told me that this is the perfect time.
Will you go out with me?
Oh, Howard, I'm with Joey now.
Oh, my God.
Joey, you're off the market?
Who am I gonna go bitch fishing with?
Which one is she?
I don't know why you felt you needed to come.
Because I want to see my competition. That's her, isn't it?
No.
Listen, lady, I want you to get something straight. Jimmy is mine.
If you try to keep us apart, I will cut you open and watch you bleed to death.
Gina?
- Gina Tribbiani? - Mary?
Mary Videtti from high school?
You look so great, with the hair and the body.
- Thank you. You still with Tony? - No, I poisoned him.
It's for the best.
There's Tracy. Let's get this over with, huh?
- Hey, honey. - Hey, sweetie, how you doing?
This is my friend Joey.
Nice to meet you, Joey. Hey, I made you something in shop.
It's the Eiffel Tower.
Look, Tracy, there's... There's something I need to talk to you about.
Wait a minute, we haven't even seen each other in over a month.
Don't you wanna hold my hand?
Yeah. Yeah, no, sure, sure, sure.
Look, there's no easy way to do this, but I'm in love with someone else...
...and I'm here to ask for a divorce.
I see.
God, wood shop has made your hands strong!
Listen, you SOB.
You marry me when I'm rich, and then the minute our relationship...
...hits a speed bump, you just walk away.
Speed bump? You've been in prison 7 years!
Oh, so we're gonna do this?
Maybe you'd like to explain a bill I got for a 40-foot catamaran and sailing lessons.
You're gonna take these divorce papers and you're gonna sign them right now.
Over my dead body.
You're gonna sign these if I have to make you!
God, you're strong!
Look, Tracy, Jimmy just wants to live his life.
Well, that's too bad. He made a commitment to me.
How about this? You're angry at Jimmy.
But it might feel better to know that he's gonna get his...
...because the woman he wants to marry is there.
Get your damn hands off me! I am not an inmate!
Okay, look, I know this is tough, but Jimmy loves that crazy lady.
And is it really gonna do you any good to force Jimmy to stay married to you?
Probably not.
Then do the right thing and let him go, huh?
You'll always have the memories of the times you shared, at this table.
At that table.
I bet one time when the guard wasn't looking, you even stood.
We were so young then.
So you'll sign the papers?
I don't want to, but I guess I have to move on.
I'll just sign these.
Thanks. That's really the best thing for everybody involved, okay?
At the end of the day, what were you getting from Jimmy, anyway?
A lot, actually.
I know it's just holding hands once a month, but it meant the world to me.
He'd take my hand, I'd close my eyes...
...and the two of us could be anywhere in the world.
Just holding hands, huh?
Yeah, probably doesn't make sense to a guy like you.
You're probably tearing through tail like a mother... Oh, sorry.
I didn't used to talk like that. It's the prison.
No, I get the handholding thing.
I'm in a relationship right now where sex is all I got. You know?
I'll tell you, Tracy, I find myself wishing I had a deeper connection...
...something more special or intimate.
Joey.
Yeah?
Thanks.
Will you make me a wooden falcon?
- Hey. - Hey.
- How was prison? - Great, everything worked out.
- Jimmy and Gina are getting married. - Oh, good for them.
- Let's consummate their relationship. - Okay, wait. Actually, I had another idea.
- Give me your hands. - No, I don't wanna do another game.
- Come on. - I'm not in the mood for that.
Look, all we do is have sex.
Wow, that sucks.
- Okay, fine. Come on, let's do your thing. - No, Alex, no, it should be our thing.
A relationship should be about more than sex, okay?
I've been with women where it was just physical...
...and if that's all I wanted, I'd still be with Bottle.
Sit down. Look, my point is...
...I need to take this, us, to the next level.
Well, what does that mean?
Okay, give me your hand.
- This is nice, right? - Yeah, it is.
Okay, now close your eyes.
- Close your eyes. - Okay.
Now, we can do anything we want, go anywhere we want. Anywhere.
Okay?
All right, where are you right now?
I'm in Paris walking down the Champs Élysées...
...with the Arc de Triomphe in the background.
Where are you?
I'm in the kitchen making a sandwich.
Oh no, the bread is stale.
All right, I'm out, I'm out looking for bread.
A bread stand.
French bread.
Can't understand what this guy's saying. Hey, I'm in Paris too.
Oh, I see you.
Hey, Alex.
Wow, I see in Paris you don't wear a bra.
Yeah, I'm on vacation.
You're coming over to me.
You put your arms around me...
...and we kiss.
Yeah, I think we just had a moment.
What do you say we take some of those fantasies and make them real?
That sounds hot.
What do you want on your sandwich?
Hi.
I'm sorry, but I'm currently in a committed relationship.
So this pamphlet entitled "So You Can't Date Joey" should explain everything.
Actually, I'm looking for Michael.
We were supposed to meet in Vegas and he never showed up.
You're Sexysteve?
Michael!
- What? - Sexysteve is here.
This is Sexysteve?
Hi, it's nice to finally meet you.
It's good to meet you.
You wanna get a drink?
Maybe back at my hotel?
Yes, I would like that.
Maybe on the way, I can tell you how big of an idiot my uncle is...
...when it comes to women.
Yeah, it's a dude.