♫ Ground floor perfumery,
♫ stationery and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery,
♫ kitchenware and food, going up.
♫ First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits,
♫ shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes, going up.
♫ Second floor carpets, travel goods and bedding,
♫ material, soft furnishings, restaurant and teas.
♫ Going down!
Mrs. Slocombe should be here in a moment,
where's Mr. Humphries?
Oh, he's getting the flowers.
Mrs. Slocombe just entered the staff entrance looking
peaky but perky.
Oh, I am glad.
You know, it'd be so nice to have her back again
'cause running this counter on me own for over two weeks
has nearly done me in.
Anybody know what's actually been wrong with her?
It was ladies things.
How come you lot always have more mysterious things
than what we men have?
- I'm sure that if Mrs. Slocombe wishes to tell us
what laid her low she will.
About time.
They're all wilted.
I can't think why, they just drank half a bucket of water.
I thought you picked them in your garden this morning.
Well I did.
But you see, I put them under me overcoat on the bus
and it was very hot and I think they fainted.
Why under your overcoat?
Well, the conductor's very friendly,
and it's his birthday today.
I didn't want him to think they were for him.
Get ready with the song, here comes the lift.
♫ Good morning Mrs. Slocombe
♫ We're sorry you've been ill
♫ It's nice to have you back again
♫ At work behind your till.
Oh, I am moved.
On behalf of us all, may I present you with these?
Oh, thank you.
Do you know my husband was the last person
to give me these sort of flowers?
They remind me of him in more ways than one.
Well, it's very good to have you back
but let's get to our counters, we open in a moment.
Menswear.
Captain Peacock, Mr. Rumbold requires you.
Very well.
She don't look 100%.
Well, she's been in hospital for three days.
What did they do?
You know, she didn't even tell me, which is unusual.
I think she's telling Miss Brahms.
Well, far be it from me to eavesdrop.
But I must just straighten the tie on that center dummy.
I'll do the hanky.
I think I'll polish the shoes.
Is that all that it was?
Yes, but it was very painful.
Well, what about your cat?
That was a difficult decision.
When they rang from the hospital to say they had a bed
I thought, I'm not parting with it.
I'd feel the same.
But you know, I hadn't been there 20 minutes
when the head surgeon came in,
he took one look at it and said "That's got to go."
Whatever happened?
20 minutes later my pussy was in a basket
on it's way to Scotland.
Well, my cousin's got a farm there, you see,
so she can look after it.
This will come as a great shock to Mrs. Slocombe.
After all, she's been with the firm for many years.
All the more reason why she should be replaced
with a younger woman.
What exactly is the new retiring age
that the management has introduced?
This includes my age group!
It also includes mine, but it doesn't apply
to upper senior staff, which is you,
or to upper middle management, which is me.
Isn't there anything we can do about Mrs. Slocombe?
No, I'm afraid not.
Who's to break the news?
I thought, perhaps, you might.
I can, on occasion, seem likely tactless.
Unintentionally, of course.
Does that mean there'll be a vacancy in the Ladies?
Yes, but I'm sure as soon as people hear about it
they'll be anxious to fill it.
Couldn't you just move Miss Brahms up?
Yes, then I could replace her.
I'm very willing and I want to get on.
That's true.
Oh no, I'm afraid you've only
had exposure behind the desk,
you haven't had any on the floor.
That's not entirely true.
She stays here.
Very well.
Nice try, Stephen.
Heels that brought it on.
I can't stand the suspense any longer, what was it?
Well, I'll tell you but don't tell anybody else.
No!
Well, it's a small world, isn't it?
I have that.
At your age?
No, no, no.
When I was in me teens.
That's why they didn't take me in the army,
well that, and being underweight.
Mrs. Slocombe, I have a very difficult task.
Oh, use my knife, it's sharper.
No, it's not that, it's something else.
Well look, hang on, I'm going to get meself
some more hot buttered toast.
I've got to build meself up.
What did she have?
It's private.
While Mrs. Slocombe is away from the table,
I think I should tell you that she'll be gone
by the end of the week.
What do you mean?
She only had an ingrown toenail.
No, I mean she'll be redundant.
The management are forcing people of her age to retire.
And Rumbold has asked me to tell her.
But the shock'll kill her!
This is her whole life.
Better that we tell her than Rumbold.
Oh yes, you're right there.
I'll tell you what, you tell her,
and we'll make out what a good idea it is.
Oh yes, we'll say how lucky she is
to be out of the rat race.
She will get redundancy payment, of course.
Well that'll be a plus.
Could last a couple of weeks.
Shh, she's coming.
Pass the marmalade.
Mrs. Slocombe.
Yes?
Apparently a new directive has been issued by the firm.
Oh yes?
Yes, people over a certain age are to be made redundant.
Oh, the lucky devils!
Oh yeah, I wish me.
I can't wait to get out of this rat race.
Yes, think of the fun we could have
not having to come into work anymore.
I'd spend all day in my garden, tending it,
and trying my gnomes in different positions.
Doesn't it sound exciting?
I'd go the pictures everyday and get up late.
I'd play golf.
How many times when we've been stuck in here
in blazing hot weather have I thought
how wonderful it'd be to be out there
driving one straight down the middle.
But I thought you had a bad back
and had been advised to give it up.
Only for a couple of years.
What would you do?
I don't know what I'd do with meself
if I didn't come in here.
I mean this is...
Well, it's my whole life.
When you get a customer and you make 'em buy something,
I feel like a hunter stalking its prey.
Will they buy that hat or won't they?
And then, they decide, and bang!
You've got 'em.
Well, what about getting your feet up in the garden?
In this weather?
It's been pouring for a week.
You could take an umbrella.
You're the one that needs the umbrella.
The rain's got in your ear and made your brain soggy,
you daft boy.
I just heard the news on the grapevine.
What news?
You've just been made redundant.
I think it's a shame.
Anyway, in case you go today, good luck.
Me?
Not me.
Say it's not me.
It's me.
I hardly know how to say how sorry I am.
I'm not going without a fight.
Has the news got out yet?
It's all around the store.
Well, they'll never get anyone
with my experience in underwear.
Here, wait a minute.
Come to think of it,
when I joined I didn't put my right age
on the application form.
Well I mean, I looked so young,
they'd never have believed it,
so I added a few years.
Well, it's worth a try.
Even now, I makeup to look older.
I thought you did.
I mean, me and Joan Collins are just that much apart.
A miss is as good as a mile.
If I use less makeup and did my hair in a different style
I could knock years off.
A couple of hours anyway.
Shut up you!
Well, they want somebody younger
and they're going to get somebody younger.
Where are you going?
The Peter Pan Beauty Parlor,
they can take years off you there for 25 quid.
Can they really take years off you for 25 quid?
No, I think that's just the downpayment,
then they charge you for every year they remove.
Blimey, she'll have to mortgage the house.
Never underestimate a woman.
I can't think what's happened to Mrs. Slocombe,
it's after two o'clock.
What could she be doing?
She's probably had to get a bank loan.
No, she phoned up said she'd be late.
She's having a full treatment.
She's determined to keep her job.
Doom to failure.
Rumbold is already interviewing ladies
from other departments.
Could you say I'd be right for it?
I'm afraid you really do look too young.
Well, I could wear my hair up.
And you've got enough pull.
I mean, you could say I'd be right for it.
I could.
And you and me have always got on well together.
Not as well as we might.
Well if you did say I was right for it,
I promise I'd try ever so hard.
Miss Brahms, put that away.
Captain Peacock, I think I found a suitable applicant for the post.
It's Miss Featherstone of Toiletries.
That vinegary, little spinster?
Well, she's the right age, and keen to get on.
I think Miss Brahms should be given a chance.
She's been showing a lot of promise.
Actually showing a lot more than I expected.
No, no, too young.
Where's Mrs. Slocombe?
Up in Accounts.
Blimey, she has had the full treatment.
It's the Dolly Parton look.
They call it the 9 to 5.
You've just failed to beat the clock.
Oh, Mr. Rumbold, just the man I wanted to see.
You know, when I joined, I never told you this before,
but I put my wrong age on the application form.
And so I've just been up to Personnel to correct it.
How incorrect was it?
It was years out.
Do you mean that rises given to you over the years
based on your age should not have been paid to you?
Oh, I never thought of that.
Well then I 'll pretend I didn't hear it.
I'm sorry to lose a valued assistant,
but there will be a substantial redundancy payment.
I'm not leaving Grace Brothers.
Whatever job I do, I'm staying here.
Well, it won't be at that counter.
But as a gesture you can stay 'til the end of the week.
And may I make a gesture as well?
Of course.
I say, having to come in early
just to meet this new woman.
It won't be the same without Mrs. Slocombe.
You know she spent all yesterday afternoon
going 'round to the heads of the department
trying to find a job?
It's very sad.
Blimey, you're early.
Here you are love,
there's a dirty patch in front of the podium.
Mrs. Slocombe.
Is this alright, brother?
Mrs. Slocombe, what it the meaning of this?
You are.
And I hope you're satisfied.
You could have put a word in for me,
and saved me and you didn't.
And I'm not leaving Grace Brothers.
Surely you could have found something better than that.
Lady Floor Cleaner's a good job, there's a queue for it.
It's only due to the fact that I've got influence
I got her practically to the top of the list.
Wait, you missed that bit of chewing gum.
Ooh!
Ooh, it won't come off.
I'll have to bang it into the crack.
This is most distressing.
It is.
Well I'm not retiring.
There's a lot of steam left in me yet.
Couldn't you have found a gentler job for a woman Mrs. Slocombe's age?
She's lucky we gone over to gas fired boilers,
otherwise she'd be inside one knocking off the clinker.
Oh please, can't you give her, her old job back?
Scrubbing the front steps isn't so bad
once you get used to the kneepads.
I made these out of a couple of old bras.
How the mighty have fallen.
Let me speak to Personnel and try and find you a desk job.
I'll manage.
Good morning, Miss Featherstone.
Good morning.
Allow me to introduce you to the members of your floor.
Captain Peacock I think you've met.
What a pleasure.
Miss Brahms, who will be directly under you.
Hello.
Mr. Spooner, newish, junior.
And our Mr. Humphries, who's the head of the Men's counter.
We haven't actually met,
but I do know of him by reputation.
It does tend to travel in front of me.
I'm sure Miss Brahms will give you every assistance.
Mr. Harman, could you get yourself
and your cleaner off the floor?
Hurry up, Betty, we got the causey to do yet.
Where do I put my coat?
In the fitting room after you've signed the book.
Yes, well I'm sure you're all going to get along,
so I'll get back to my office.
Miss Brahms, take my coat.
I'm not gonna be talked to like that.
I shall count to three and then I shall release it.
If you haven't taken it by then
I shall make life very difficult for you.
No.
One.
Two.
Three.
Any more rubbish, love, just chuck it in the bucket.
But that's my best jacket.
Come back.
I can see it's going to be one of those days.
I've got the staff like you asked.
Come in, everybody.
You sent for us, sir?
Yes.
I understand from Miss Featherstone
that Miss Brahms has been rude three times this morning
and we've only been open half an hour.
Now, this can't go on.
I wasn't rude.
I understand from Miss Featherstone
that Miss Brahms used the phrase, she gets up my nose.
Well, she does.
You hear this, Peacock?
No, sir.
She also complained that she was hit in the posterior
by a paperclip, probably fired by an elastic band.
My mind immediately went to Mr. Spooner.
Oh, don't worry, sir, no one's fired anything at me.
I mean I suspect you of doing it.
No, sir, he didn't do it.
And as you know, I never tell a lie.
Was it you?
No, sir.
Are you indirectly accusing Captain Peacock?
Don't be ridiculous, as if a floor walker
would do such a thing.
Well, I won't have any trouble out there.
Listen, she's the trouble.
She's got a bad temper and it shows.
I must say, she does not have
Mrs. Slocombe's finesse with the customers.
Can we forget about Mrs. Slocombe?
She's no longer with the department.
Enter.
Mrs. Slocombe, go away.
You're driving me mad.
Sorry, mate, but you shouldn't've opened the window.
Will there be anything else, sir?
Yes, get out.
I've finished the fourth floor, lower away, Fred.
Bye bye.
Well, madam, what do you think?
It's so difficult.
Do you like it?
Of course I do,
I wouldn't've suggested it if I didn't.
But you said you liked all the others as well.
Madam I don't sell hats I don't like.
But surely, you must think one of them suits me better
than the rest.
Well I think this one's streaks ahead of the others.
Oh yes, perfect.
Far the best.
I'm so mad about that hat.
I can't imagine you in any other hat.
I'm so glad, because this is the one I came in with.
Good day!
Oh, aggravating woman.
Miss Brahms, pick up those hats at once.
Miss Brahms, go to the center podium
and adjust the blouse, will you, it's very badly displayed.
After you have picked up the hats.
Before you pick up the hats.
Hats.
Blouse.
Hats.
Blouse.
Hats.
May I remind you, Miss Featherstone,
that I have the last say on this floor?
I think you ought to know that I am very friendly
with a very senior member of staff,
who would be very interested to know
how I've been getting on, on my first day up here.
I'm sure you'll tell him you're doing your very best.
The blouse, Miss Brahms.
Yes, Captain Peacock.
It's happened again.
Who pinged Miss Featherstone's posterior?
Own up, at once.
Spooner?
No, sir.
Humphries?
Innocent.
Are you sure it wasn't static in your suspender belt?
I don't wear one.
I say, it wasn't you was it?
I beg your pardon!
I'm sorry, my nerves are a little frayed.
My first day up here, I suppose.
Accusing a senior floor walker.
Ridiculous.
By the way, good shot.
I thought so too.
Whoever did it.
Let's all sit together
and then ignore her when she arrives.
She won't be arriving.
She's been invited into the executive dining room
by the head of Accounts.
So that's her friend in high places.
I bet he put her up for the job.
Old Len and old Jackie used to give it to her.
Yes, I suspect a bit power politics.
Rumbold is up for a rise, and as you know,
the head of Accounts has the final say.
You know, she's got such a bad temper
and she gets all worked up
and all the veins stand up in her neck
like blue spaghetti.
What would happen if she got a very difficult customer
and really lost her temper?
That would be unforgivable.
The customer is always right.
Any breach of that rule, well, could lead to dismissal.
Captain Peacock, do you think I could have
a couple of hours off this afternoon?
Say, for a dental appointment?
I think I could write a chit to that effect.
But your teeth is better than most girls.
All the better for what I have in mind.
Is everything settling down now?
Oh, yes, sir.
Unfortunately the executive restaurant is full today,
so I'll sit with you if you don't mind.
I thought you had all individual chairs in there
with your names on.
Yes, yes, that is so.
A member of Accounts is entertaining Miss Featherstone
in my chair today.
Yes, and the head of Accounts is the one
that sanctions rises for managers.
Possibly.
But the age limit was the reason Mrs. Slocombe had to leave.
Can I have a menu, please?
The menu.
It's a no steak.
I can't recommend the rhubarb
and the toad has jumped out of the hole.
Oh no.
No.
No, no.
Arrivederci!
I haven't given up hope.
Now don't worry.
Sit yourself down,
and we'll tell you the plan for this afternoon.
Now then.
Good afternoon, madam, may I help you?
You certainly can, you handsome man.
As a matter of fact, I was looking for a new fur coat.
The pockets are full in my old one.
And some accessories.
Perhaps you'll be good enough
to show me to the Ladies department?
I've never been this way before.
Our Ladies department is over here, madam.
If you would please, walk this way.
It's not gonna be easy in these heels.
Miss Featherstone is our senior saleslady,
she will look after you, madam.
Good afternoon, isn't it a lovely day?
Yes, indeed.
I was walking in the park with my husband,
he's an MP, you know?
He has to sit all afternoon so the walk does him good.
And I mentioned that I didn't have a new fur coat.
He said "Blanche," he said,
"go and get whatever tickles your fancy."
So here I am.
We do have some very nice ones.
Oh, yes, this is very nice.
What is it?
I mean what animal occupied it
before some brave hunter shot it?
Well don't tell me you don't know.
I'm just looking at the label.
It's ranch mink.
Is it?
It's 2750 pounds
and 25 pence.
It's a snip.
Would madam like to try it on?
Thank you.
Oh, what lovely hats!
Oh, I do like these.
Take the coat, Miss Brahms.
Yes, madam.
Oh, that hat does suit madam's face.
Yes, well I should hope so, it's the only one I've got.
How much is it?
I'll just look at the tag.
If madam could hold her head still for a minute.
Oh now, I do like these gloves.
Yeah, we've got handbag what goes with them.
A handbag?
Miss Brahms, the glove drawer.
And don't speak unless you're spoken to.
Yes, madam, no, madam, coming up, madam.
Oh, what lovely, soft things these are.
They feel so nice against these hands that never do dishes.
Oh yes.
Oh yes, that is very becoming.
It's very Mrs. Thatcher, though, isn't it?
I don't think my husband would like this.
He's in the middle, you know?
I thought he would be.
A lot of them are.
Would madam like to try the coat or not?
Well I'll walk it.
Thank you.
Oh yes.
Moves well.
But it doesn't really go with this does it?
You're not taking the scarf?
I shall take what I like.
You mind your own business.
Oh no, you see it's a day coat.
Those are night gloves.
And, well, this is sort of tea time.
Had they all gone together I might have taken the coat.
Oh, take it off you stupid woman!
How dare you speak to me like that, you silly old bat.
You're a silly old bat.
You married women are all the same.
All you want to do is window shop,
you never want to buy anything.
Anyway, you've got no taste.
Oh, I have never been spoken to like that in my life!
Is madam having trouble?
I most certainly am.
Just feel my hand,
it's trembling.
This woman has been most aggravating,
hasn't she Miss Brahms?
I thought madam was the nicest, most charming-est
customer what's ever been in here.
I mean, most of 'em is dead awkward,
but madam is what we call an easy customer.
Easy?
This is one of the most difficult, impossible women
I've ever met.
If my mother could hear that.
The moment she walked in here,
I knew that she had no class.
I shall never bring my handmade shoes
into this place again.
And neither will any of my friends.
And neither shall I, I'm going back to Toiletries.
While you're there, powder your nose, it's shiny.
I hope that I never, ever meet a woman like you again.
It's very unlikely.
I've had it here.
I'm sorry madam has been upset.
I shall get over it.
Shh, it's Rumbold.
Is madam having a problem?
Nothing that you could deal with.
And I shall never, ever set foot
in this department store, ever.
You will never see my face again.
Goodbye.
Good heavens, what on Earth's going on?
Miss Featherstone upset Mister,
that lady.
Yeah, wife of an MP.
Oh no.
Where is Miss Featherstone now?
She appears to prefer Toiletries.
Well, I can't say I'm altogether sorry.
But I've got even worse news.
Regarding what?
Regarding you.
They've decided to include upper senior staff
in the age limit,
which means you could go the same way as Mrs. Slocombe.
That's monstrous.
I agree.
Who's to say that upper senior management won't be next?
And then I'd have to go.
What can we do?
Stop the rot where it started.
We'll get Mrs. Slocombe reinstated.
I'll say that she's indispensable
and you will back me up.
To the hilt.
Higher if necessary.
Oh, thank you.
♫ Good morning Mrs. Slocombe
♫ We're sorry you got the sack
♫ But thanks to Mr. Humphries now
We've gone and got you back.
♫ And it's so nice to be back here where I belong
Red roses for a blue lady.
And a plastic geranium from Packing.
Actually, it's a disguised iris off your kitchen.
But such is the exquisite workmanship
you cannot tell unless you got within three feet of it.
Oh, I'm overwhelmed.
Thanks for getting rid of her so quick.
Yeah, it was Mr. Humphries and Captain Peacock
who done it.
Where is Captain Peacock?
Gents ready-made, Ladies department.
Going up.
Mind the doors, please.
Just give a quick wipe with the mop, Stephen.
Bang it into the crack with your handle
and then get off the floor.
corrected by 7kozlov - www.myfbs.ru -
♫ Ground floor perfumery,
♫ stationery and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery
♫ kitchenware and food, going up.
♫ First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits,
♫ shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes, going up.
♫ Second floor carpets, travel goods and bedding,
♫ material, soft furnishings, restaurant and teas.
♫ Going down!
♫ First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits,
♫ shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes, going up.
♫ Ground floor perfumery, stationery and leather goods,
♫ wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food, going up.