- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -
I'm sure you're all wondering
why I'm not up for "Most Likely to Succeed".
As editor of this paper, I had to recuse myself.
I got nominated for "Whitest".
Is that bad? It's not, right?
How could it be bad, you know?
I mean, look at how cool the sword you're drawing is.
It's not just any sword. It's Excalibur,
the most famous sword of all time.
Ohh...
Should we be starting to shut up now, Boss?
One, two, three, four!
I'm up for "Most Original",
the category formerly known as "Biggest Freak".
Eduardo and I have been nominated
for "Best Friends" again
but we don't need a trophy to confirm our bond.
Yeah, that's 'cause you know you're gonna lose
to Ashley Dorfman and Amanda Jackson.
Ashlanda! Ugh, love them.
I didn't get nominated for anything.
Me neither.
But Craig Donovan made the list for "Best Singer".
Sure, if you like a tenor who pushes!
These, uh, superlatives will never matter.
Nothing matters.
We're all just rapidly decaying meat bags
we patch together with duct tape
till the bottom falls out.
Is your meat bag okay, Mr. G?
Well, we'll find out after my colonoscopy.
I don't know if I have, like, a family history of anything
'cause I don't speak to my dad.
So to be safe,
I gotta drink this muck for 24 hours
then get my butt probed.
I'm surprised that you're opening up to us, Mr. Griffin.
Yeah, well, you guys don't count, you know.
I'm hiding it from adults,
people who don't play Pogs all day
while wondering who shot Mr. Burns.
It's clear from your tone that we've been savaged.
But I wonder if you could do it again with updated references.
I cannot.
And now...
I must leave you.
Buckle up, people.
Amanda and Ashley have had a fight!
They're off the ballot.
This could be our year!
We could go down in Whitlock history.
Secret handshake time?
Gimme that knuckle candy.
One, two, three.
- Hmm? - I like his new boyfriend.
- Hey, uh, Mary. - Hey.
Do you remember a few months back
when, uh, we made your grandma believe
that I was a firefighter named Cash
and we were getting married in a Catholic ceremony?
- Yeah. - Yeah, well, um,
you kinda owe me. I need a ride.
- Yeah, sure. - Okay.
- Where do you need to go? - Well, I don't wanna say.
Oh, hey, psst, I know I'm not in this conversation,
but why can't you drive yourself?
I'm omitting that as well.
- Oh. - I'm obviously gonna know
once we get to the destination.
Unless it's a nondescript building.
It's a nondescript building.
You know, the more closed off you are,
the more I just wanna take my nails and just...
pry you open.
You're like that one closed pistachio.
You know what happens to the open pistachios?
They get eaten.
Well, see, that's the point.
Let us eat you, little pistachio.
We will gain your powers!
Who do you think you are, Ellen's DJ?
_
Ralph, you look pretty!
Ooh, ya smell nice too.
Oh, well, you look pretty spiffy yourself.
Is that a new shirt?
Oh, gosh, no, this is my grandfather's favorite shirt.
He was buried in it.
But then they reopened the murder case, so...
Ooh! There you are!
Hi, Helen, hi, Ralph!
I like it, so I'm gonna put a class ring on it.
- I better squeeze you! - Oh, you better!
How are you? Look at your hair!
Hey, Marjorie, Marjorie,
so weird you dropped by
just as I... was gettin' my twirl on!
Ralph, are those devil sticks?
Yep. I got 'em in the divorce.
I am as single as a $1 bill.
- Mm! - Mm-hmm.
What is that wonderful scent that I'm smelling?
Dark Temptation XL Body Spray.
Ha ha! I knew it was you.
I'm gonna get that for my mailman next Christmas.
- That is so yummy on you. - Yeah, yeah.
- Look at this. - Ooh!
- Lookit. Lookit. - Oh, I can tell.
That looks like something very special.
- It's so special. - Uh...
What you are looking at is a lock of hair
of the legendary
- Weird Al Yankovic. - Ooh.
Marjorie, l-look, this is a new trick.
I call this The Body Scan... watch this.
Whoa! And then... yaaaah...
- Opa! - Ooh! Ah, that was great!
- Been workin' on it. - I was in line at JoAnn Fabrics,
and who walks up but the Bard himself?
So I cut a little bit of his mane
when he wasn't paying attention.
Oh, wow!
This has truly made my day.
Oh, thank you. Your hands have made my day.
They're soft. They're real soft.
Okay! Well, I gotta go
and peddle my wares.
Ah, it's so good.
I didn't want that to end.
_
Here you go.
Don't return forms until they're fully complete.
I-I prefer to discuss some of these privately
- with the doctor. - Excuse me,
is this where you donate the urine?
- I'm a universal donor! - What are you... doing?
What are you doing?
You should have told me it was a doctor's appointment.
I've got a great butt guy. Well, he's not a doctor,
but he knows what he's doin' back there.
Sir, your forms!
First blank question.
When was your last evacuation?
- Oh, this... - Yeah, when was that thing?
Come on, don't...
I think we'd all like to know.
This morning, on the drive over.
- What... at the gas station? - Yep.
You said you were buying gum,
- you little liar! - I did buy gum!
Ma'am!
Be quiet!
Everything in this waiting room
must be orderly.
Select a crayon.
Draw your stool so that I can get on with my day.
Draw it?
Oh, my God.
Hey.
Hey, Mary, I'm actually pretty glad that you're here.
Thanks for keeping this a secret, so...
Seacrest.
Ryan Seacrest.
I would never tell Seacrest.
I mean, I think he's got enough on his plate.
You didn't tell Lynette, did you?
'Cause... I just want...
I just want my butt to be romantic.
No, for the 15th time, I did not tell Lynette.
Okay, good.
So you're the only one that knows that... good.
Knows what? About your butt surgery?
Why is he face-up?
Hey, no, no.
No one else knowing... my Seacrests...
Can I ask you guys a serious question?
- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.
Is this where the baby comes out?
Errrr... pffft!
You ladies are being very loud.
- Ooh. - Sorry.
Only the patient's ride needs to be in here.
No, actually, we are the ride,
- all three of us. - Mm-hmm.
Well, maybe you'd be more comfortable
waiting someplace more appropriate
like a McDonald's Play Place.
Ooh, I know she did not just tell this Burger Queen
to go to McDonald's.
- Mm-mm. - Mm-mm.
You said something about a lollipop.
- Oh, there's our big guy! - Aw.
Oh, are you okay?
- No. - You're with Mr. Griffin?
- Yeah. - I have some images
from today's exam.
W-what... w...
So what you're looking at is the ascending colon.
You're gonna see some swelling, especially in that photo.
Pass that down and make sure everyone sees it.
Everyone doesn't need to see it, that's...
Wait, but doctor, why does this one
have a question mark drawn on it?
That spot is where I found a small polyp.
- Wait, a polyp? - Most polyps are harmless.
We'll run some tests and call you with the results tomorrow.
W-w-w-w... for sure there's a polyp?
- Here, y'all wanna see? - What are you doing?
Don't pass it to her! Gimme, gimme, gimme!
Passing... ugh. And why are you taking it?
That's crazy.
Ah-ah-hem!
We'd like to talk to you all today
about our friendship.
We are hoping that our words will inspire you
to vote for us for Whitlock's "Best Friends".
"Friendship.
Webster's Dictionary defines it
as a person whom one knows
and with whom one..."
Friends!
Besties!
Friends!
They're campaigning as write-in candidates,
and they're going hard!
Frickin' do-si-do... now!
It's called The Serendipity.
Oh. Now, by that do you mean this moment
or the ring?
I can't with you!
I'm sorry that I'm being so funny and awesome
while you're trying to work. Tell me about the ring.
Not until you tell me more about these plates.
Oh, my...
Princess Di plates. Well,
I just always really admired, you know,
her stance on landmines.
Against.
Hmm. Yeah.
I just started collecting them
around the same time that my, uh...
Parents started arguing.
You poor, sweet man.
Would you teach me Instagram?
Oh! Somebody help me!
- Helen, are you okay? - Oh!
I just bopped my face on my monitor,
and I knocked my tooth out!
Thank heavens it's your fake tooth
which can be replaced.
Well, this one isn't.
Oh, Helen, what are you doin'?
You're a wild one, aren't you?
Marjorie, Marjorie, I-I wrote a new song!
Listen to this.
♪ Foot on the gas ♪
♪ And I'm goin' too fast ♪
♪ It's a rock n' roll car, yeah ♪
No, don't got in there, Marjorie.
Stay with me, and I'll tell you the story
about when I came out to my grandpa
in the Denny's parking lot and it went just fine.
What has gotten into you two goofs, huh?
Because I want whatever y'all are havin'.
Stef, what are you doing?
Well, I'm making sure you're okay
while also testing out some baby products.
Wait a minute... I wasn't wearing pajamas before.
Did you change me?
Yes, we changed you. Don't get weird.
Jack, you own "Fifty Shades of Grey"?
Ooh! Freaky-deaky!
All right, okay, there was a month where everyone got it!
I-I didn't get the other shades!
Look, can you guys just stop poking around my home?
I'm feeling a little...
Oh, um... vulnerable?
- Whoops. - Actually, those are mine.
Those are my gym panties.
They must have fallen outta my coat pocket.
- Oh, is that... - Look, enough!
Look, this day has been a nightmare
from start to finish, okay? I just wanna be alone.
Well, we're not leaving you alone, okay?
We're gonna stay here and tease you
and help you forget about that scary test.
When Keith gets scared, I sing to him.
♪ Don't you cry, little doggie ♪
Stop! No!
Okay, we get it.
You don't like to be goofed on.
You don't like dog songs. What do you like?
I like getting revenge on those who've wronged me.
Oh, yeah, that woman's got to pay.
Leave your name and number after the beep
and try not to mumble like a moron.
Oh.
Hi, I'm a mermaid.
My name is...
Eeeeeeeee! Eee-ee-ee...
Hello. I am snow saleswoman.
I will put you in igloo today, uh...
No, I... I'm... I wanna order a pizza, actually.
And, um, with, um...
I can't think of any toppings!
I was referred to you by...
Arrrrrhhhhh...
Hello, my name is Peabody J.
Taco of the hard shell Tacos.
Would you accept
a Groupon that expired in
Urr! Uhh-Ooh-Oohhhh!
It is saleswoman of the snow.
And I sell the snow by the flake.
Everyone is different. Oh, no, pepperoni!
Pepperoni! Pep, please... Oh, ah... bye.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Molly, I love ya.
Come to da poob and tip da pint!
What kind of accent is that?
Irish.
Uh-uh, girl, that was full-on pirate.
This is Horace T. Taco
of the soft shell Tacos.
Perhaps you know my arch nemesis...
The mailbox is full and cannot accept
- any messages at this time. - It's full.
- Good-bye. - It's full... we did it.
- Yes! - Yes!
Ah!
Nice.
You guys wearing my sweatpants?
_
You think you're bester friends than us?
- We challenge you to a duel - _
that we hope that we will win.
- Fine. - Sounds good.
- All right, everybody, - _
just three questions left.
Let's take a little trip to Tinseltown.
Victor, what is Eduardo's favorite movie?
Oh, that's an easy one. It used to be "Shanghai Noon",
but now he can't fall asleep at night
without watching "Pitch Perfect 2".
Wait... does that mean he hates "Pitch Perfect 2"
because it puts him to sleep?
I'm gonna need a final answer, buddy.
Uh, "Shanghai Noon". Final answer.
Eduardo.
- Oh, my God! - Come on, man!
We talked a bunch about how the young women
really find their stride in the sequel.
All right, Grace, it is time to ride the rainbow.
What's Anthony's favorite color?
Um, his shirt is blue,
so... blue?
Yes!
You literally see me!
I love my BFF!
My man!
It's time for the last question.
Eduardo, let's talk grub, bub.
What is Victor's favorite food?
- Pot pie. - What?
Pot pie... you said just Friday
that my mother's pot pie was the best in the world.
It's pizza. It's pizza!
It's always pizza!
- Ooh! - Ooh...
Eduardo, we're teens!
We're like two decades out from lovin' pot pie.
Then why did Victor say that to my mother
about her pot pie?
I was being nice!
Let's give it up for our best friends...
Helen, I know it's been awkward, so...
I'm just gonna come out and say it.
Today is Marjorie's last day and...
I think you should ask her out.
I mean, your eyes light up
whenever she walks into the room!
Yes, Marjorie makes my nether regions
thump the "Law & Order" theme,
but I couldn't do that to you, Ralph.
This is the first time that you've flirted with anyone
since your divorce.
I would rather die again.
Oh, hi, Helen!
I have an extremely important question to ask you.
If I said you had a nice body,
would you hold it against me?
Oh, it's a riddle?
Oh, uh... of course I would
hold my body against you, Marjorie,
and so would Ralph!
Ah! Both of you, huh?
'Cause that sounds like my kinda party!
Well, maybe I'll swing by later and we can, uh,
get into some trouble together?
♪ Dun-dun ♪
Did she just propose what I think she did?
I think so.
A three-way at work.
Well, it's official. I'm turning into my mother.
But we... we... we can't!
I mean, right?
No! I mean, we can't look at each other naked.
We're gonna say, "Marjorie, we'll do things with you,
but not with each other?" That's just weird!
Dear Marjorie, here's 102 rules
before we start smoochin'.
I mean, we could do less rules, but...
No, forget it!
Oh, no, that's crazy, right?
- Whoo! - Ha ha ha ha.
What?
Hi, um, I'm calling for the results of my colonoscopy.
Jack Griffin.
Mr. Griffin,
I received 127 messages
from what sounded like you and your loud friends.
Unfortunately,
all of those messages flooded our system
and deleted your test results to make space.
Wait, wait, wait.
Voicemails deleted a test result?
H... that can't be a thing.
You'll need to get another colonoscopy
tomorrow morning to be absolutely certain
you're cancer-free.
I hope you and your friends had fun, Mr. Taco.
She knows it was us who did the prank calls.
She's making me do the test again.
- That sucks! - Damn!
Well, I guess she won.
Or maybe not.
But it's gonna cost me my last shred of dignity.
Aren't you forgetting something?
In the end,
the winners of the "Best Friends" category
were the write-in candidates.
Yes! You do the work, you get the reward!
- Oh! - Actually, I meant Ashley
- and Amanda. - Yes! Ohh!
They're back, baby.
Here, you take these.
Ours was a sham friendship anyways.
You two are the real BFFs.
We don't deserve your used hats.
I said pot pie.
Come on, you're Victuardo.
During last night's closing statements
of "Bunkbed Breakdown",
we agreed that you guys could be, like,
actual best friends.
It seems like you have a real special thing gestating.
Then my brother threw up and Victor had to go home.
Okay.
Although I am thrilled
that your loud, obnoxious friends aren't here,
you do need to have a ride present,
so you'll have to continue to fast
and come back tomorrow and take the test again.
Yeah, no.
I have a ride.
I have a ride!
Whoo-hoo!
- Ah! - Oh, no...
Oh, this is not... No, this is it.
- No, no, no, no. - These are my friends.
This is completely illegal.
You can't just come in here like this.
No!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
This is illegal!
- No! Enough! - No?
- Enough! - Oh.
Stop!
You want your results? Fine.
Everything was clear.
And I'm happy to share it with everyone.
Please stop. Just go.
No, no. Please go away.
Ohh...
- Hi! - Wow.
Oh, so glad you made it.
So that's you there, huh?
- That's me! - Mmm!
- Well, I'm glad you're healthy. - Mm-hmm.
Maybe next time I could give you a ride, huh?
Okay.
Hey, um, you wanna know something
that's even more humiliating than this?
What?
I own "Fifty Shades of Grey".
We all bought it that month.
- Yeah. - You...
you did buy it that month, right?
Yeah!
Hey, the whole school's having a party
at my gastroenterologist's and I'm not even invited?
Oof!
Y'all rascals here?
I'm heading out.
Oh.
Mmm.
Dearest Marjorie, it's me, Ralph.
And me, Helen. I'm the purple pen.
We think you're the best thing since sliced ham.
And you've made me excited
about the idea of being single.
But because we are long-time friends and coworkers...
We respectfully decline your offer
of a sex three-way.
You could just say three-way.
Well, you could just tell me that
instead of writing it down.
Let's just start over!
This is my only piece of stationary, Ralph.
What about the stationary with the cat
dressed as Shakespeare?
Well, that's tucked
under the copier so it doesn't rattle.
Hey, are you hungry?
I could use a bowl of chili right now.
Shall we?
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