DECEMBER 4TH
- You straight-up peed in her booth. - Mmm-hmm.
A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
And that's not the worst part.
What can possibly be worse than that?
[urinating]
That's your cue to get out of here!
[chuckling]
You couldn't stop peeing?
I couldn't.
[speaking English] Holy… moly.
[chuckles]
- [inhales sharply] - [Henrik] How much have you had to drink?
Uh, quite a bit. [sniffles]
[Johanne sighs]
We should talk about things.
Now's not the time for a heart-to-heart with your ex.
You'll have to help me up.
[grunts] Fuck.
- You got a new girl pretty damn fast. - [Henrik] We were on a break.
Yeah, but there's no fucking during breaks!
No, but I was upset 'cause of the fight we had.
Kristin consoled me.
She just peed all over my booth, Henrik. Maybe you could do this another time?
[sighs]
I'm leaving now.
[sniffles]
- Yep. - Listen, Johanne…
- Mmm. - Regarding Henrik.
Real talk. You broke up with him way before this.
What?
Name some of the things that annoy you about him.
Sure, easy.
Dishwasher silverware, his laundry standards.
He doesn't like the monarchy.
Those are little annoying details
in a much bigger and more annoying picture.
- But those are annoying things! - Ugh!
It's annoying 'cause you've been stuck with someone you don't love.
If you were in love with him,
you'd love the fact that, in this town, he might just be
the only person folding his clothes before hanging them in the closet.
- More ice cream? - No, thanks, though.
I think the silverware
and all the hyper-neatly folded clothes are the litmus test…
[Johanne] Litmus?
Test, yes, for love.
Why do you say he's jealous, by the way? He really wasn't.
He was. He was constantly bugging me about Christian.
Because Christian's constantly hanging over you
like a cloud but with more scruff.
You haven't gotten over him dumping you.
- What's it been, like, 100 years? - Four, all right?
You monitor his profile like you're in the CIA.
- You need to get him out of your head. - [doorbell buzzing]
No! If that's Henrik, don't tell him I'm here.
[door opens]
It's for you, and it's not Henrik.
Sweet Christmas pajamas there!
- Well, thanks. - Yeah, no, they're really nice.
So, you're… you're doing the whole antler look?
Yep, yeah, and, uh,
'cause I thought, I started preparing Christmas dinner, to get into the spirit.
Yeah.
Was there any particular reason you came?
Yeah, I was wondering… The last time we spoke,
we talked about how it's been a long time since I had a girlfriend.
True. Fourteen long years.
- Fifteen. - Yeah.
And then, well, I was wondering if you and I could, um…
Since you think I'm all right, friendly and all…
Hi, sweetie.
- Hi. - Hey.
Remember choir practice tonight. Hmm?
Oh, so you're part of a choir?
Yeah, we go to choir together. It's a great hobby.
Um, hey, Dad?
Yes, but that's, uh…
I made some waffles. They're on the counter for you. Okay?
[chuckles] Anyway, I was wondering if maybe...
Okay, it's really very sweet of you to ask me out,
but it's crazy bad timing. It's not personal.
[laughs] Yeah…
I didn't mean, um… me and you.
- You didn't? Got it. - No, no…
Okay, yeah, sorry, I thought I, uh...
I need help 'cause I signed up for something called speed dating.
Speed dating?
But like I said, I don't really know much about, um…
- Girls and stuff? - Yeah.
Yeah, maybe, but, uh, I don't know. Is speed dating really up your alley?
No, but hey, you gotta start somewhere.
[chuckles] Yeah.
Our neighbor's going on a speed date.
Didn't have the heart to tell him it was a shit-show of an idea.
Good for you.
'Cause if you rob the average human being of their illusions,
you strip them of their happiness as well.
Backtracking to what we talked about earlier,
you need to shake Christian out of your head once and for all.
You gotta flush him out, open yourself up, cleanse the system.
And that's an order. I've declared it.
[exhales]
DECEMBER 10TH
[doorbell rings]
- [chuckles] Hi. - Hi.
Can I come in?
Yeah, yeah, uh… I'm just working from home tonight.
- Siri and Noah are with my in-laws. - Yeah.
Um…
- Wanna come in? - Yeah.
Yeah, sure, come in.
It looks like a war zone in here, so… I just have to…
I'm sorry about this mess.
[Johanne] No worries. I'm not the health inspector.
So, why are you here, then?
I mean, it's nice. It's just, uh…
- [chuckles nervously] - Um…
- Uh, do you want some wine? - Wine?
- It's boxed wine, but it's open. - Okay. [chuckles]
What?
No, I've been out drinking quite a lot lately. Um…
Oh, yeah? Like drinking-drinking?
Yeah, pretty much. Drinking-drinking.
- [chuckles] Come on, just a taste. - Let's go.
- I'm sure it'll be fine. - Sure. Go for it.
Yeah, it'll be fine.
So, what's up?
[sighs]
Okay, so there's something that I've been wanting to ask you about.
But it didn't feel right to call or text it.
That's not the grown-up route.
And, as a matter of fact,
I knew Siri was at her mom's, because of, um… well, Facebook.
- [speaking English] Stalker. - [chuckles] Yeah, technically.
Um, and I knew you were working from home, too.
Insta.
Yep. I even knew what you had for dinner last night. So…
[chuckles] Man, I should stop doing that.
I mean, it looked tasty.
So, I've been thinking about, um…
When you broke up with me, you said we were more friends
than boyfriend-girlfriend.
Did I say that?
Yeah?
Uh… [sighs]
So, the thing was that…
I wanted a family.
To start one with you.
But you didn't want those same things with me.
That's not even true. I remember talking about that with you.
I said I wanted to have all that, too, but I felt too young.
It was eight years.
And I felt that if you weren't sure at that point
if you wanted a family together, it was never gonna happen.
So I felt it was the best for you and for me if I just… ended things.
Okay, thanks. That was very mature.
But I was only 27. I was… Well, I had time left.
Yeah, but you still don't have kids at 31.
Sorry, a fucking stupid thing to say.
No, no worries.
- Kinda the truth, right? - It was dumb.
And now you do have that perfect little family.
[Christian chuckles]
Hey, how are Tor and Jorid? Are they...
No! That there. Stop doing that.
I remember you did that all the time.
If you didn't wanna talk about something,
poof, you'd just change the subject.
- For real? - Yeah, seriously.
This is confession time for both of us. Come on.
Okay.
Siri, she's so sick of me right now
she can't even stand being in the same house.
So, they're at my in-laws.
Even though we tell people
they're going over there to make Christmas cookies…
[doorbell rings]
Food. It's food.
Okay. [sighs]
[exhales deeply]
- [door opens] - [man] Hello.
Got a pizza here.
[Christian] Twelve, right?
[man] Yes. That's great. Thank you.
- Have a good night. - [Christian] You, too.
[door closes]
- Are you hungry? - No, thanks.
Think I ordered a bit too much.
I'll just drink this, uh, fine wine.
- So, where were we? - Mmm.
- Uh, Christmas cookies. - Yes. Right.
Do we have to talk about that?
- No, no, no, that… [chuckles] - [mellow electropop song playing]
What's this music playing right now?
Um, it's just an old holiday playlist.
Yeah, it's our Copenhagen mix, remember?
♪ …here by my side ♪
♪ You're runnin' through my body… ♪
Shit. You're right.
[both chuckle]
- Cheers, then. Cheers. - Yeah. Cheers.
♪ …be alone tonight ♪
♪ You're out of sight ♪
Oh, man, do you remember the drive?
Oh, yeah. When we drove across The Bridge bridge?
- Mmm. - From the TV show.
That bridge was a sweet bridge.
[both chuckle]
♪ So where you at? Where, where, where you at? ♪
Great vacation.
It's, uh… It's good to see you.
- You, too. - Hmm.
Well, you know, I heard a little rumor…
um, that you got a brand-new tattoo…
after we broke up.
- A rumor? - Your mom told me.
- My mom? - Couple years ago.
We bumped into each other. And she didn't seem happy about it.
About the tattoo or about you and me breaking up?
Well, neither.
[chuckling]
So, where is the tattoo?
That's a secret.
- Oh! - [chuckles]
Listen, it's in a place you can't see.
Oh. Oh.
So, where is it?
It's on my back.
- Your back? Can I see it? - Mmm-hmm.
[in English] Oh, wow, okay.
[both chuckling]
♪ Two in the morning I can't control it ♪
♪ Lost in the moment I just can't get no sleep ♪
♪ Eh, eh, eh… ♪
♪ Two in the morning Everything's frozen… ♪
Christian…
♪ And I just can't get no sleep ♪
♪ No sleep ♪
♪ Two in the, two in the two in the morning ♪
♪ Two in the, two in the morning ♪
♪ Insomnia, insomnia ♪
♪ I can't get no sleep ♪
[music grows louder]
♪ Insomnia, insomnia ♪
♪ I can't get no… ♪
- [music stops] - [cell phone ringing]
- I have to answer that real quick, okay? - Yeah. I get it.
- So sorry. - Yeah.
Hello? Yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'm just sitting here, working. Hmm.
I ordered a pizza, and I'm just chillin'.
So, how is Noah doing?
Having a great time with his grandma?
Nice. Yeah, no.
I'm in for a quiet evening, pretty much.
I'll probably just watch a movie or something. Hmm.
Just… Sorry, I had to pick up the phone. It was Siri calling, wondering...
Johanne?
♪ I'm not here when you wake up ♪
♪ I'm tired of relations ♪
♪ I don't mind getting down under you ♪
♪ But I can't deal with these relations ♪
- Hey. - Hi. Mmm.
- Okay, tell me about it. - It went great.
- Yeah? - Yeah, but I drew the line with him.
As in no more? You're done with all that?
- Yes. - Yeah.
I do like Christian, and yeah, I'm afraid to end up alone, but…
No, I'm not going to walk backwards into the future.
You know? I'm going, whoosh, forward.
When it's done, it's done. It's over. Now I'm going forwards.
- Yeah? - Yeah!
- I'm proud of you, kid. Hmm. - Thanks.
- Hi. - [Johanne] The three of you!
But Trym's gonna be here any second.
- And here comes Trym. - Hey, hi.
You'll bring them to me after school tomorrow?
Can't I have them till the end of my week?
- We're swapping in two days. - [Jeanette] Stick to the plan.
[Trym] Me being here isn't part of the plan.
[in English] Not in front of the girls. Please. Okay?
Have a wonderful time with Daddy.
Enjoy your stay.
- Nice to see you, Trym. - Good seeing you, too. Bye.
- Uh, okay, let's go. - Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
What's new and exciting?
I'm officially completely over Christian.
- Christian? - Yeah.
What's going on?
Okay. Johanne has finally cleaned all the skeletons out of her closet
and put her dark past behind her.
Hmm.
- That's what I like to hear. - [all chuckle]
Celebrate it.
- [all laugh] - Let's party.
["Bye Bye Baby" by Dagny playing] ♪ Now I just wanna leave you behind ♪
♪ Yeah, you can say what's on your mind ♪
♪ But I can't let my body Let your body in… ♪
Stein? Hi!
- Hi! - Hi.
Yeah. I almost didn't recognize you. And your beard.
- So nice to see you! - You, too.
- Yeah, wow. - Yeah, wow.
Long time, no see.
- What? Huh? - Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah…
The music is too loud.
- Can't hear you. - I was saying...
It's Stein!
♪ Now I just wanna leave you behind ♪
♪ I said I would, I knew I could ♪
♪ I said I'd try to let go of you ♪
♪ Yeah, I think I should ♪
♪ I said I would, I did a lot ♪
♪ I said I'd try to let go of you ♪
[urinating]
- [Jørgunn] Have you finished yet? - Soon.
We'll go to the bar to get something to drink.
What do you want?
Uh, Sex on the Beach.
Okay.
[door opens]
[footsteps approaching]
[toilet flushes]
Hi?
[grunts] Fuck. Ow!
[woman] You need to stay the hell away from my man.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Stein. My boyfriend.
If I catch you dry-humping him again, I'm gonna kick your ass to next Tuesday.
Are we clear?
I can't believe you got into a fight over him.
DECEMBER 11TH
It wasn't a fight. It was a full-on assault.
Uh, two different things.
Yeah, well, luckily you didn't get hurt, at least.
[Johanne] I did get hurt. I have a cartoon bump.
Here and here.
Oh, yeah, but cartoon bumps under your hair don't count.
What? Why not?
They have to be visible.
That's a stupid rule.
Oh, going to work today?
Working the late shift. Getting a new tattoo first.
- Huh? - Hmm.
I feel like I have to express my newfound inner-power.
And that is?
The battle between good and evil.
With a new tattoo,
I plan to put these things behind me so I can go forward.
Wow. Okay, hmm, cool.
But can you not mess up my packing system, pretty please?
Uh, this is a packing system?
Yeah. I organize everything based on color and shape
in order to make it easier to unpack whenever I move in.
Okay. I haven't messed up any packing system.
I just saw that you were packing some of my things.
- Your things? What are your things? - Mmm.
Uh, this, for example.
That's not your thing.
Santa is mine, Jørgunn.
No, I bought that two years ago when we were making a Christmas calendar.
Uh, no, I bought that.
What? No, it's mine.
Santa is mine, Jørgunn.
But you have the entire apartment.
Yeah, because the apartment is also mine.
Yeah, and I'm not suggesting otherwise.
I'm just saying I'm the one who has to start all over
in a completely new place, a completely different country.
[doorbell buzzes]
Okay. We'll hash out Santa's custody battle later.
- Yeah. - [doorbell buzzes]
- Hi, sweetie. - How you doin', Dad?
Aww.
[Tor] Hmm. Hmm.
I hate to say this, 'cause if there's one person in the world
I want to spend time with right now, it's you.
But I'm on my way out. I have to go in five minutes.
- Work? - New tattoo.
- Another one? - Mmm-hmm.
- You sure? - Well, yeah.
But are you all right?
Is there any particular reason you stopped by?
Morten told me you'd broken up with Henrik.
Yeah. I wanted to see how my girl was holding up.
- Uh, I'm fine. - You are?
- Yeah, thanks. - Yeah.
But can we talk about this later? I gotta go.
How about if I came and watched?
Okay…
Then I want those two on each side of the rudder I already have up there.
- Yeah? - Yep.
[Johanne] Then the wings can fold out. If that works?
[tattoo artist] Yeah, cool.
You don't have to get a new tattoo whenever you break up with someone.
Oh my God, Dad.
You got one after Christian, too.
Well…
I just don't want you to do something that you'll regret.
- Anyway, on with the show? - Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, I'm ready.
We'll do the improvised one on my arm first?
- Yeah. - I'm ready. Dad, you ready?
Okay. Okay.
Is he gonna watch?
Yeah. Is that all right?
Not really. I mean…
I won't disturb you.
You hear the one about the guy who misspelled his tattoo?
Yeah. It said he "regerts" nothing.
[all chuckling]
[Johanne wincing in pain]
Ooh.
Oh my God.
Heard the one about the guy who tattooed a wristwatch on his wrist?
No.
He regretted it a minute later.
Please, Dad, if you're bored, can you go for a walk or something?
Nah. I'm all right.
[breathes deeply]
Got any water?
- [tattoo artist] Right behind you. - Hmm.
[Johanne wincing]
Ow, ow, ow, ow…
[grunts] Satanism.
Fuck.
- Ouch, ouch… - [cups clattering]
[Johanne groaning]
So, how much does it hurt?
[Johanne groaning] Depends.
On a scale from one to ten?
Between eight and ten.
- Really? - [Johanne groaning]
So, how often is it a ten?
Oh! Now, for instance. [groaning]
Shoot me in the fluffernutter.
[Johanne moaning in pain]
Will it be much longer, Miss Tattoo Artist?
Don't stress out the tattoo artist right now.
It's over when it's over.
[Johanne groaning] Yeah.
[Tor panting]
Heard the one about the two, uh, the two nurses?
[sighs]
[Tor laughs] One of them enters and says,
"The guy in room 302 has 'Adam' tattooed on his johnson."
[laughs awkwardly]
"No," the other says, "It doesn't say, 'Adam.'"
"The tattoo says, 'Amsterdam.'"
Can you maybe shut up?
Yeah, for the love of all that's holy.
[grunts] Please. The '60s called. They want their jokes back.
- We're trying to have a good time. - Okay.
- [artist] This is gonna hurt a little. - Yeah.
- [artist] You can do it. One, two, three. - Okay.
Oh my God! Shit in my face.
Fuck! [grunts] Children's birthday parties!
Fuck!
Oh, fuck! [groaning]
[artist] There we go.
[thuds]
Uh, Dad?
[Johanne sighs]
[heart monitor beeping]
[Tor chuckles softly]
Are you all right?
Yeah. I'm sorry.
That was just a bit too much for me. I really didn't see it coming.
Yeah, me neither. [laughs]
Is it just me, or was the air a little thin in that parlor?
No, the air wasn't, uh, thin in the tattoo parlor.
Right.
And I ended up in your ward?
Mmm-hmm. In my ward, on my shift.
- Worked out well. - Mmm-hmm.
[Tor clears throat]
[door closes]
[Bente] Well, well.
Looks like the whole family's here. That's exciting.
Let's see. "Fainted at tattoo parlor
while observing his daughter getting a new…
piece"?
"Fell backward, hit his head on the concrete floor."
"Sustained major concussion."
"Reexamine tomorrow to rule out brain hemorrhage."
"CT scan completed, et cetera." All right, then.
[soft piano music playing]
Bente?
- So, you're her dad. Johanne's, that is. - Hmm.
- How lovely. I'm Bente. - I'm Tor.
- Tor. Tor, yeah. - [Tor] Hmm.
That's an interesting name.
Yeah, I don't know. Tor is just Tor.
Well, it's Norse, isn't it?
Yeah, I think it might be.
- Thunder. - [Tor] Thunder?
Yeah, that's the meaning of Tor. Thunder.
[Tor] Oh, yeah.
Never heard that before. That's a neat little fact,
considering it's my name and all.
[Bente] Yeah.
Have you offered your father anything?
Offered?
Yeah, some lemonade or maybe some crackers?
- [Tor] Really, there's no need. - Something sweet.
Ask him, Johanne, if he wants some lemonade.
Fluids are quite good for us. The body needs fluids.
[clears throat] Um, Dad, want lemonade or something?
Yes, please.
Yeah? And, or… And some crackers?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
[Bente] Let us know if there's anything else
we can do to make you comfortable, Tor.
Man born in '64, otherwise healthy, came in with an acute headache.
GCS 15.
Neurologically intact. Negative CT.
Henrik, can I have two minutes?
Oh, hey there.
Yeah, uh, I really want to, um, apologize.
Okay.
Yeah, I was, uh, extremely drunk,
and mentally unstable, let's be real.
But also, I wonder why you did that.
And how it was so easy for you to trade me in for someone else
on the same day.
Oh, it just kind of happened.
So she was just all of a sudden dancing in front of you in a yarn bikini?
No, but… I just let it happen, I guess.
Because?
Because it seemed pretty clear you and I were over.
And I didn't give a fuck. I was so mad.
I was hurt and frustrated.
Okay.
Honestly, the last couple months, I've had this feeling
you think I'm pretty terrible.
You have to ask yourself why you broke it off long before
we were on a break.
Prairie mouse.
Johanne, someone called in sick,
so I need someone to sit and watch your dad tonight.
- Can you handle that? - Okay.
Remember the crackers.
But can you agree you were a little quick in getting a new girl,
or am I just being overdramatic?
- No, it was fast. - [chuckles]
Although, Henrik, I'll give you one thing.
Those flowers you sent me last Christmas Eve?
That was romantic A-F. [clicks tongue, chuckles]
["Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" by Matilda playing]
♪ Have yourself a merry little Christmas ♪
♪ Let your heart be light ♪
♪ From now on ♪
♪ Your troubles will be out of sight… ♪
- [Henrik] Johanne. - Hmm?
Those dried roses you kept hanging in your apartment…
Mmm-hmm.
Honestly, I'd always assumed you got them from your family.
They're definitely not from me.
I just figured you should know.
♪ From now on ♪
♪ Your troubles will be miles away ♪
♪ Here we are as in olden days ♪
♪ Happy golden days of yore ♪
♪ Faithful friends who are dear to us ♪
♪ Gather near to us once more ♪
♪ Through the years ♪
♪ We all will be together ♪
♪ If the fates allow ♪
♪ Hang a shining star upon… ♪