# You must remember this
#A kiss is still a kiss
#A sigh is just a sigh
# The fundamental things apply
#As time goes by #
Absolute nonsense No, I'm sorry
MAN: Are you sure I can't tempt you?
No, no Definitely not Goodbye
Who was that you were charming?
Alistair He wants me to write another book
- Oh! What a good idea - It's a terrible idea
Autobiography, he said
I've already done my autobiography, My Life in Kenya.
Yes, which was very
very: : :
- You're struggling, aren't you? - No, I'm not I'm just searching for the right word
Absorbing Yes, that's the word
Perhaps to the three people who read it
(JEAN CHUCKLES)
Did you want me?
No, I just came to ask you to ask me out to lunch today
Oh
- Would you like to come out to lunch today? - Yes, please
Now about this book
Now, don't look like that
Think of it as an autobiography part two
There was life after Kenya There was us
Meeting again after all those years
Now, that was a very romantic opening
- Sounds made up - Well, it wasn't
And it was romantic
Sticky, I'd have said
Very sticky
LIONEL: You won't be long, will you? I've got a taxi waiting, you see
I shan't be a moment Honestly Mum, Sandy, Lionel
- Oh, hello - Hello
- Hi - Do sit down Two minutes
All right
Can I get you a drink?
- No, thanks I've got a taxi waiting - All right
- Should we get on? - Yes, of course
- Ready? - Oh, yes
- Won't be late - JEAN: Right
- Bye-bye - Goodbye
(DOOR CLOSING)
Well, how was the evening?
How was Coco?
He said he knew you
- Did he say anything else? - No
That's the trouble He wouldn't even come in He said if you remembered him, you'd know why
Do you remember him?
You do! That's why you got dressed up
I've not got dressed up
Oh, so you don't remember him, then
Oh
(SIGHS)
It's you
It's him
When was this taken?
Well, as you can see, we're standing in front of a cave, dressed in skins
You're smiling at each other
Yes, we'd just discovered how to make fire
All right It was a long time ago What happened?
Well, I think we had the photograph taken, we went and had tea
Come on You know what I mean Was it a romance?
Judy, I was 19
Kissing in the back row of the pictures was a romance then
I'm his daughter
Maths never was your strong point
No
So, why wouldn't he come in and say hello?
Well, I expect he didn't fancy a wrinklies reunion
He said to ask you
Well, you've asked me and I don't know and it's not important
- Cheers - Cheers
Oh Things change
Yes Your hair is different
Yes
I've got a bit of grey myself
- Well, at least I haven't a bald spot - Well, good for you
- I have got a troublesome back - Yeah, I get cramp
Oh, my God! It is a wrinklies reunion
What are we doing here?
Well, I'm not here to compare wrinkles
I just want to set the record straight, that's all
Yes, so do I
So, why didn't you write?
Oh, no Let's not play games Why didn't you write?
Where to?
Second Lieutenant Hardcastle, somewhere in Korea?
- I sent you the full address as soon as I had one - Well, I didn't get a letter
Well, I sent it
Oh, no
(CHUCKLING)
As ridiculously simple as that? A lost letter?
Oh, dear I suppose we're in some rack somewhere
Could be in the Imperial War Museum, for all we know
Letter from subaltern to sweetheart, circa 1953
Or still in Korea Disintegrated in the soil
I'd like to think it fed a tree
- People put newspaper on their compost heaps - Yes, they do
So, we finished as Korean compost
I like the Imperial War Museum better
Yes
I think I do
You didn't bother to write a second bloody letter, did you?
Am I boring you?
Look
JEAN: It's us 38 years ago
LIONEL: This is where we first met JEAN: I know
Do you think we're in some sort of time warp?
Perhaps we're hallucinating
"Excuse me," you said
"Could you direct me to Curzon Street?"
Pretty steamy opening gambit, wasn't it?
Why did you need to go to Curzon Street?
I didn't It was the first street that came into my head
When I told my father and mother I'd been picked up by a soldier in the park,
they had a thousand fits
- On the road to hell? - Something like that
We didn't do that on our first date
We didn't do anything on our first date
You swung from the branch of a tree
Oh God! So, I did
- Were you impressed? - Tried not to laugh
Thanks
'Course, it may not be their first date at all
I hope it is
- Why? - I just do
So that's the first chapter done
- What do you mean, done? - Well, it's all in your head, isn't it?
Now, chapter two
Jean and Lionel went for a nice walk
- We went for dozens of walks - Not like that one
We found the hotel
- What hotel? - The hotel
Oh, yes
(LIONEL CHUCKLES)
So, that's a chapter
It wasn't as easy to find as we thought, was it?
Not quite, no
I wonder what happened to that footpath?
It's petered out
The bloody thing's simply petered out
(JEAN GROANING)
Where are you?
Here
- What were you doing? - I fell over
Why?
Are you all right?
I'm wonderful I'm having a wonderful walk
Look, it was as much your idea as mine
A bigger man wouldn't have said that
Well, I'm not a bigger man I'm a lost man
- Which way shall we go? - I don't know I'm not an Indian scout
And where have the woods gone? I can't see any woods
I'd settle for a road
I can see some telegraph poles
What do you intend to do? Shin up one and find out where we are?
Telegraph poles mean a road
Unless they're going across a field
- Have you got any better ideas? - Yes
Wait for Humphrey Bogart to come along, towing the African Queen and ask him the way
(SIGHS)
And now you've looked us up again
Well, not so much looked you up as stumbled through a hedge and found you
Did you work here in 1953?
Oh, no, dear I was still at school Enjoy your tea
At least she was alive in 1953
I knew someone had to be
We should have gone to Eastbourne We'd be comparative striplings in Eastbourne
You'd have wowed them with your trainers
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Well, there's a first time for everything, I suppose
Yes
I suppose so
Why are you smiling?
Nice tea
Yeah, I know it's a nice tea
- But you don't smile like that over a nice tea - Well, I do
What do you do if you have a nice dinner? Shriek with laughter?
The honey's nice
Look, I'm not a fool You're not smiling about the tea and the honey
You're smiling about something else
- All right, I am - What?
I don't feel like telling you
- Oh, aren't we a little old for games? - It's not games
If you don't know why I smile, then I'm not telling you, 'cause you should
- Should what? - Know
- Well, I don't - Oh, have some honey
I don't want any honey
- It's not the shoes, they're not that funny - No, it's not the shoes
I haven't got mud on my face, have I?
Look, why are you suddenly so concerned about your personal appearance?
- I've lost interest in this conversation - So have I
Funny being back there
Yes, funny
It was smaller than I remember
From the outside
Then I suppose it never had more than 12 rooms or so
Good God
- I've just remembered something - Oh?
Here Then
In one of those 12 rooms or so,
we made love for the first time
Did we really?
That's why you were smiling You remembered
So why didn't you say so?
I didn't want to be the only one who did remember
Yes, I see
Room eight
With the squeaky door
Mr and Mrs Ambrose Smith
I always wondered why you added the Ambrose
I didn't want to be too obvious
Oh Do you think they knew?
Well, as we had no luggage and were both as red as beetroots,
I think they must have done
Now you're smiling
I was just thinking of the 28 cups of coffee we had after dinner
before we went up to the room
It wasn't really 28
- Seemed like it - You kept ordering them
- I didn't want to rush you - Oh
- I've always wondered, did you plan that night? - Oh, give me some credit
I'd have had a suitcase in the car if I'd planned it
We didn't even have a toothbrush
- You wore a grey slip - Oyster
- Oh, oyster - Oyster
I kept giggling all the next day at the hospital
- Who with? - No one
Just everything everybody said seemed to have a double meaning
What about you when you went back to the camp?
Oh, it isn't really a time for giggling when you're on adjutant's parade
I don't mean, did you giggle? I mean, did you tell anyone?
No
I think I probably just walked about with a silly smile on my face all day
I couldn't get over the fact that the night before,
I'd made love to the most beautiful girl I'd ever laid eyes on
Oh
Would you like some more hot water?
- No, thank you - Right
Inventive That's what writers are supposed to be
And what did I come up with? Mr and Mrs Ambrose Smith
Yes, but you weren't a writer then You were flustered
You were young and flustered
Well, considering what was about to take place, I had a right to be
Yes, of course you did
They must have known
Mr and Mrs Ambrose Smith with red faces and no wedding ring?
(CHUCKLING) I think they probably did
I also look guilty when I lie, you see, always have
That was a little white lie Everyone tells little white lies from time to time
Yes
Yes, I suppose they do
Why are you looking like that?
Oh, I was just thinking Some white lies are whiter than others
Lionel's a psychiatrist
Really? How fascinating
Absolutely fascinating
Oh, it's just a job, really
- No - Please!
Look, you can follow me around all day, on your knees, if you like,
but I am not treating Stephen
Nobody mentioned anything about treating He just wants to talk to you
In my professional capacity as a psychiatrist?
Yes, but I didn't know he meant that till it was too late
(SIGHS)
Presumably if he'd asked you for a judo lesson, you'd have given him one, would you?
Well, of course not I don't know a thing about judo
Well, I don't know anything about psychiatry
Yes, well, it's much easier to pretend to be a psychiatrist
than it is to be a judo player
That's the most extraordinary claim I've ever heard
Look, a girlfriend of mine has been to a psychiatrist once a week for months
And she can hardly get a peep out of him
He thinks she ought to work her own solution out by herself,
so he just listens and says "I see" a lot
She pays him for this, does she?
Yes, she says it's doing her good Unloading her problems is doing her good
- Months, you say? - Almost a year
Well, I'm not seeing Stephen every week
Look, he just wants a chat
I'm not messing about with his mind
Oh, well, let's face it There's not much to mess about with, is there?
That's not the point
If you told him I was a surgeon,
you wouldn't ask me to take his appendix out, would you?
Oh, come on! Credit me with a bit of common sense
Oh, God
(DOORBELL RINGING)
- That'll be Stephen - What?
Well, when you were in the bath, he rang and I said to come round about 10:00
You know, best to get it over with
I think this is the unfairest thing anyone's ever done to me
- And I do mean done - Yes, I know
- Hello, Stephen - Oh, good morning
Lionel, this is awfully good of you
Oh, come in, Stephen Erm, go through I'll be with you in a minute
Now, Lionel, please
Have you just had a session?
Yes, we have
Extraordinary
- I'll see you tonight - You can't do this
Oh, I know I know
Please Please, Lionel Please!
Look, Stephen, I
Oh
This is where you want me, is it?
Yes, that'll do
I say, this is very relaxing It's not at all like consulting
It's more like a home, really
- I see - Pardon?
I said, I see
Poor Jean
Now, why "poor Jean" again?
Well, I mean, meeting him so late in life
You know how fond I was of David,
and I know he'd have been absolutely delighted if you'd met someone, well
- What, after a decent interval? - Yes
Yes, well, I know you would, but
Well, now I have met Lionel
But so late
That's the second time you've said that
We're not exactly in our dotage
No, no Of course you're not
And companionship can be a wonderful thing
In its own way
Poor Jean
Penny, I think you ought to know that my relationship with Lionel
goes a long way beyond companionship
Good gracious Does it?
Of course
- You mean - Yes, of course
But you didn't say
Well, it's not the kind of thing you throw into the conversation right away, is it?
- I think it's wonderful - Good
- But you didn't say - No, we've done that one
Yeah, but I mean,
I've automatically put you in separate rooms
Oh, oh! Oh, no Well
- That's fine That's all right - No, no, no It isn't fine
You should have said
No, I'll change things around upstairs It won't take a jiff
Good Lord! Is that the time?
- I'm ready for bed - So am I
I'm not I'm not tired at all
- Shall I make some more coffee? - No, no, no There's no need for that
I know Let's play Trivial Pursuits
It's 1:00
Oh, is it?
Everybody tired?
Oh, all right, then I'm off, then Good night, everybody Good night
- Psst, Lionel - What?
- Shh Shh - (WHISPERING) What?
We're in here
What do you mean we're in here?
- We're in here - Why?
Well, Penny changed things round
Oh, did she?
We are guests
I know we're guests, but that's no reason for her to
- Well, why did she change things round? - I don't know
- I better have a word - No
- It was me - I see
Don't smile
It wasn't intentional
What are we going to do?
Against the grain of today's behaviour,
we're going to act like grownups
It is a bed made for two people
True
Why are you cuddling a cushion?
Well, it's not just a cushion, is it?
- Isn't it? - No
It's another chapter for the book
There isn't going to be a book
And if there were, there certainly wouldn't be a chapter about cushions
Not cushions This cushion
- Sorry? - I do wish you'd follow my thread
Where to? Never-Never Land?
It's a perfectly logical train of thought Look
- This could go on all day - All right, then There
- Or all week - Look, where is the cushion?
The cushion is on the floor
Why?
- Because you put it there - But why did I put it there?
I can only assume that
Oh
At last Oh
Are we alone?
Er
Unless there's somebody under the sofa, yes
- I meant Judith or Sandy - Yes, I know you did
Yes, they left a note on the fridge "Painting the town"
I'm glad
You're getting very liberal
- I mean, I'm glad they're out - Mmm
So am I
At last we've got a bit of weekend to ourselves
That was very well timed, wasn't it?
I'm sorry, I didn't know you were going to lean on me
I wasn't going to lean on you I was just going to snuggle up
No, that would get in the way at the moment
Oh, I'm sorry
In the way of what?
Well, all this should have happened all those years ago, you know?
I mean, your letter would have reached me in Korea
and I would have come home and
Well, actually, I'd have done this
(GROANS)
But my knee wouldn't have clicked then
Yes
- No, it wouldn't - Yes, I will marry you
Well, I haven't asked you yet
Yeah, but you were going to, weren't you?
Well, yes, but I'd sooner actually say it, if it's all the same to you
Oh, sorry
You all right down there?
Yes, I'm fine
Now, you may
Thank you
You may think that I've taken a long while getting around to this
Yes! No
- There is a reason - Cold feet?
- May I finish or not? - Sorry, sorry
I didn't really have anything to offer you, you see
I mean, dribs and drabs of money from the book The odd lecture
I mean, the television money, that's fine, but it won't last forever
But now with a house, I can offer you something proper, something real
- That's why you were going on about the money - Mmm
It'll probably sound stupid but that's the way I am
- No, it's not stupid - And there's something else
- Oh, is there? - Yes
I fell in love with you the first day I met you
And I don't think I've ever stopped loving you
Well, that's it, really
- I love you, too - Well, that's good
- Can I say yes now? - Yes, please
Yes
There's always something, isn't there?
- What is it? - My knee's locked
Doesn't matter
- What you doing? - It's our wedding photographs
Because?
Well, a few photographs never hurt a book
No, I suppose the odd holiday snap would have brightened up War and Peace.
- Well, I'll ignore that - Oh, I thought you might
Now, that one would make a very nice cover
Us on a cover?
Do you seriously think that would be a selling point?
I don't see why not We look quite respectable
- Quite nice, really - Oh, well, that clinches it
You can almost hear the buzz in the bookshops, can't you?
"Let's buy that book with those nice, respectable people on the cover"
Now, I do wish you'd be more positive about this
There's certainly a chapter about the wedding Everyone loves to read about a wedding
Yeah, but nothing happened
- Sorry? - Well, apart from me marrying the woman I love
- It was quite uneventful It wasn't a chapter - Oh
I'll tell you what would make a chapter, though A long chapter
- Well, that's better What? - The list of everybody you wanted to invite
That would take up to 200 pages, at least
- Where's your list? - It's in here
- Well, how many people on that? - Seventy-eight
- Seventy-eight? - Well, it'll come down a bit
- Oh, really? - Yes
You must be very careful not to leave people out They can get very hurt
Who are all these people?
- I mean who, for instance, is Sandy Gilchrist? - Sandy Gilchrist
Well, he's my chiropodist
He's a sweet man and he hasn't had an easy life
Oh, well, if that's the criterion, that list's going to get bigger, not shorter
Now, don't just make sweeping statements about it
Now, just tell me one thing
How on earth do you expect to get these hundreds of people into this house?
There are not hundreds and that's no problem Guests spread out at a wedding reception
Half of them on the roof, presumably
Right, that's done it Come on
- Where are you going? - We're going downstairs, come on
- What, now? - Yes, now I just want to prove a point
- It's 11:00 - Well, there is life after 11:00 Come on
(IMITATING JEAN) Let's clear out the cupboard under the stairs while we're at it
Now, we'll move the furniture back and they'll all stand about in little groups
Now, tell me, how much room does a little group take up?
- I mean, say four people - Well, about
About that much
That's if they're all standing like this
And how much would your group of four people take up?
Well
- Say about that much - Well, they're all really huge people, are they?
No, not particularly
But you don't stand about at a wedding reception with your hands at your sides
I mean, people have drinks in their hands and they make gestures while they talk
Gestures?
You didn't say anything about flailing your arms about
- Oh, maybe I exaggerated - Yes, you did
Anyone who flailed their arms about like that would need a whole room to themselves
Well, you gesture, then Just naturally
Well, all right
That's not natural
Yes, it is
People don't gesture like that
Not unless they have extraordinarily short arms
- Well, you'll need a secretary - To help me dry two coffee mugs?
No, to help you with the book
- You're like a terrier with a bone - Well, you will
Look, it's a nonexistent book, so I'll have a nonexistent secretary How's that?
Well, put your mind to it and the book could become existent
That a real word?
I think so
Anyway, you know what I mean
And if you do get down to it, then you will need a secretary
- This would be a handpicked secretary, would it? - Of course Why do you ask?
Just thinking about Daisy
Who?
The secretary I had that you didn't handpick
I don't remember
(CHUCKLING)
Well, you'll be glad to hear that we've sorted everything out
And we've decided to be very large-hearted and not envy Sally Curtis because she's perfect
Good
And you don't have to see her again, do you?
No
Not unless she's so besotted with me that she can't leave me alone
Ha You should be so lucky
Lucky?
I couldn't be doing with anybody who's perfect I much prefer you
I suppose if I think about that for a very long time,
I could take it as a compliment
Of course
Well, I better be going
- You might even get to like her - Oh, now we're getting into the realms of fantasy
Look, you're bigger than she is
I know that!
Bigger-hearted
Try it Make the first move You might be surprised
Are you thinking of becoming a United Nations peacekeeper?
- At least give it a chance - What, 'cause I'm suddenly big-hearted?
Not suddenly
Oh
- See you tonight - See you tonight
(DOORBELL RINGING)
- Good morning - Good morning
I'm Daisy
Sally Curtis sent me to do some secretarial work for Mr Hardcastle
Oh, did she really?
- Come in - Thank you
Look what Sally's sent you
Hello I'm Daisy
Good morning
Come through I've just made a pot of coffee
This way Here
I'll kill her I'll kill her
Good morning Gwen Flack
Oh, yes, Mrs Flack Do come in I'm Jean Pargetter
Oh, I only know you by repute, of course
I've been sent by your other branch
Apparently Daisy wasn't found completely satisfactory
No Apparently not
Do come through Mr Hardcastle's in here
- Good morning Gwen Flack - Ah Good morning
This is Daisy's replacement
Replacement?
Apparently Daisy wasn't found completely satisfactory
Wasn't she?
Look, Mrs Flack, there's some fresh coffee in the kitchen
Down there Why don't you go and help yourself to a cup?
Well, that's very kind Very kind
Don't you wrinkle your nose at me
Where were we up to?
- You'd just closed the bedroom door - Oh, yes
Well, at the risk of sounding prurient,
what happened next?
I said, "Hello"
But you'd just had dinner downstairs Why say hello?
I don't know why I said it, I just said it
Well, it doesn't sound very romantic, does it?
What about something like And I know I'm not a writer,
but what about something like, "Oh, my darling, you look so lovely"
- I couldn't have said that - Too shy?
No, Jean was in the bathroom I couldn't see her
Now, I don't want you to get ahead of yourself, but did you undress?
Well, I didn't jump into bed with all my clothes on
Well, that brings us to the issue of socks
- Does it? - Yes
I know I can't speak for the whole of womankind,
but a man taking his socks off last is a dead turnoff
Well, you'll be thrilled to hear that I never take my socks off last
- Oh, good - Anyway,
after I said hello
Mr Flack was rather keen on, well, that side of things
And surprisingly enough, he was quite good at it I mean, for a short man
And Jean said, "Yes, here I am"
But he did develop this habit of taking his socks off last
And it didn't do a lot for getting me in the mood, as you might say
We've established that I didn't
- And then - Strange things, socks
I know they serve a purpose
but when it comes to that side of things, they're best disposed of as quickly as possible
I find that cardigans come under the same category
I mean, a nice enough garment in their own right but somehow just not conducive
Would you excuse me for just a moment, Mrs Flack?
Yes, of course
- I thought I was taking you out to lunch - You are
Well, they don't serve meals in Judy's room
No, I'm just sorting through some books that Judy wants me to send her
- Harvey the Hamster. Isn't she a bit old for that? - Oh, no That's one of her favourites
It's a lovely book He goes to sleep in his little house at the end
There's nothing like a dramatic climax
Anyway, Judy wants it
I shall never understand women
Oh, I should give up trying
Oh, look A book of love poems
If I did understand women, I'd say that was more natural
than a book about a hamster called Harvey
It wasn't on her list
Oh, look There's an inscription in it as well
"To dear Judith with fondest wishes, Eric"
You're going to say, "Who's Eric" now, aren't you?
I'm not, as a matter of fact
I shall never forget your face when you first saw him
- Judy was on the rebound at the time - I know, but even so Eric
Yes, even so Eric
- Cheerio, then - Oh, where are you going?
- Out - Anywhere special?
No, just out Bye
- That's significant - I thought it might be
She doesn't want to be here when Eric comes
I'm beginning not to want to be here when Eric comes
Look, if he's very short
Yes?
No, I mean really short
Don't stand next to him, will you?
Now, don't tower over him
Well, I'll just sit very low in my seat, like this
When he sits down I'll pop a cushion under his little bottom
I'm not sure what to do if he's a giant
Why should he be a giant?
Why have you entirely discounted the possibility that he could be just a very average person?
Because of the way that Judy said, "We'd better get it over with"
- Well, she could just have meant - Yes?
- Meant - Yes?
- Well, just give me a minute, will you? - Yes
You see, you're beginning to have your doubts now
I wish we were still in Scotland
What, and have all this going on without us knowing about it?
- All what going on? - Well, whatever it is
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Oh! He's here
JUDITH: It's all right I'll go
Well, this is no good We look as if we're waiting for him to come in
- Well, we are - Yes, but we shouldn't look like it
Spread out a bit
Just spread out a bit
Mum, Lionel, say hello to Eric
JEAN: Oh
Hello
Nice to meet you both
It is customary to say hello back
- Yes, of course Hello, Eric - Hello, Eric
- How are you? - Oh, I'm very well, thank you And yourself?
Me, oh, I'm very well
Yes, I'm very well, too
That's good, isn't it?
- Yes, it is, all being well - Eric, would you like a drink?
- Oh, no, no, no, I'll do that - No, I'll do it You all sit down
Look, I'm here already You all sit down
- Oh, Eric? - A soft one, please
- Sorry? - Drink
Oh
- Eric would like a soft one, please, Judy - Yes, I heard
Don't want to blot the old escutcheon after 35 years
- Escutcheon? - Driving licence
No, quite
- Oh, thanks - Thank you
- So, Eric - Yes?
You've been driving for 35 years?
Yes, that's right I took it up rather late, I'm afraid
- Here we are - Thank you
What?
Oh, yes
Well, here's to
- To - Eric
Yes?
- No, I mean here's to Eric - Oh, thank you very much
So, Eric,
how did you find us?
I've been here before
Have you?
Oh, yes, of course you have Silly question
- We can't stay long - Oh, that's all right, Judith There's plenty of time
Is there?
Well, that's good, isn't it?
Far less traffic on the roads, of course, when I learned to drive
Oh, well, there would be I mean
- There There must have been - Far less
There's a great deal more now Don't you think so, Lionel?
Yes, there is Definitely
Far more Far more
I wonder what the increase in volume is
Oh, he's driven off
Can't have been Eric after all
- What if you were to see something? - Like what?
Well, I don't know Anything
What do you intend to do? Lean out of the window and shout,
(IMITATING JEAN) "Take your hands off my daughter, you dirty old man"
No, of course not, but
Oh, Lionel, he is too old for her, isn't he?
I don't think it's any of our business
Well, of course it's our business We're her parents
No, we are not
Well, you're her stepfather
That makes me sound like someone in a pantomime
Which means you have no excuse to stand back when there's a family crisis
I don't consider this a crisis
But what if he proposes?
They've only known each other a week
- Yes, but he hasn't got time on his side, has he? - Oh, for goodness' sake
Joan Fontaine
- What? - What?
- You just said "Joan Fontaine" - Why?
Well, goodness knows
You're always waking up and saying strange things
She was Olivia de Havilland's sister
I must have nodded off and made the connection
Well, if you can call it a connection, yes
It's from Judy She sends her love
Good How's married life?
Well, it sounds very good
Seems that Alistair is finally doing an impression of a real human being
- Had to happen eventually - Yes
Wasn't what you'd call the smoothest courtship in the world, was it?
More like a running battle at times
Sandy and Harry had some bumpy moments as well
You can't blame the boy for liking rugby
Liking? He was obsessed with it
Still, they all had a happy ending
- What was that song? - What song?
The one about the bumpy road to love
I don't know
Joan Fontaine didn't sing it, did she?
- Marriage? - That's right The big M
That isn't what you're supposed to do next, Judy
No, I know, I I just should have had some warning
What was I supposed to do?
Say, "Hey, I shall be proposing to you later today"?
No I don't know
Why?
- What kind of a question is that? - It's a fairly important one
Well, because
Look, can we go up to your bedroom?
This isn't the one about thinking more clearly when we're lying down, is it?
No
ALISTAIR: This is all wrong
This is a kitchen You're making coffee
This should be happening on a golden beach in Acapulco
or a snow-covered ski lodge in Saint Moritz
And would I still be making coffee?
- Judy, I'm serious - Yes, I think you are
So this is a kitchen You picked the time and the spot
Well, could you at least stop making coffee?
Sorry
As I told you before, impulse is my middle name
It suddenly happened to me on the way back from lunch Kaboom!
Now, the furthest your impulses have ever got you before
is asking me to move in with you
I know And I want you to know that that offer still stands,
should you say no to marriage
Thank you
You know, I've been thinking,
I really appreciated you coming around yesterday
There's nothing to appreciate I missed you
But Saturdays are rugby days
Postponed it
- The whole game? - Nothing more to do
You postponed a rugby game so that you could come and see me?
No, the game was postponed
- Frozen pitch - Oh, I see
But I would have come round anyway
- Would you really? - Of course I would
As soon as the game was over
It's odd, isn't it?
Here we are, sitting here, talking about where we're going to live and having babies
Only yesterday you were putting off having lunch with me
so you could see a college friend
And I'm very glad I did, Judy
Because that's what really made me propose
- You don't mean that it was his idea? - What, Leo?
Leo once described marriage as an institution to which only lunatics get committed
No, it was just seeing him again
I don't follow
Judy, the guy was a wreck
A burnt-out shell of a man A husk
So you came home and proposed to me?
Well, don't you see?
Leo's only a couple of years older than I am
A guy can't go on burning the candle in the middle as well as at both ends forever
If I don't do something about it now, I could end up like that
- Which makes me the something - Well, yes
What do you think I am? A Salvation Army hostel?
- Judy? - You go and get yourself a nanny!
Well, in his heart it's always been Judy
He's just got engaged to another woman
Yes, but you know what he's like He's a bit of a fly-by-night
It mightn't last
And that's what you want for Judy, is it? A bit of a fly-by-night?
Well, at least he's a nice fly-by-night
I give up I really do
I wonder what this Mercury's like
I'm not sure I can actually bring myself to call anyone Mercury
It could be worse
She could be called British Telecom
It's Mercury time
Look, Judy, if you don't want to go through with this
Oh, Mum, I can't miss the opportunity of seeing the woman
that can make Alistair propose marriage
JEAN: Wow
- Lionel, your mouth's open - Sorry
- Hello - Hello
Hi, guys
- Hello - Hello, Alistair
- We thought that was Mercury - What, the plain girl?
Will you stop frogmarching me about?
Oh
Sandy, I love you
And I want you to marry me and come to Canada with me
Oh
I don't say enough, you see I mean to, but I don't,
because when I do, it generally comes out all wrong anyway
I'm just a copper
It's not enough to offer someone like you,
but I've finally realised that's all I can offer
The thought of being that far away without you,
the thought of you not being in my life at all, it's not on
It's not on
Sandy, you've got to marry me and you've got to come to Canada with me, and
Well, that's it, really
For somebody who doesn't say enough, you did rather well
- So? - That is a yes, by the way
Those whom God has joined together let no one put asunder
(ORGAN PLAYING MAJESTIC MUSIC)
ALL: Cheese!
- Oh, lovely lunch, Lionel Thank you - All part of the friendly service
- What was that main course called again? - Olivia de Havilland
- Olivia de Havilland? - What?
The main course was not called Olivia de Havilland
I know It was beef something
Why did you say Olivia de Havilland?
Because that was the name of the actress we were trying to remember at lunch
And it suddenly came to me
But I asked you what the main course was called
- Yeah, I was coming to that - Oh
What a relief
Yes Nothing like a sit-down after lunch
No, I meant a relief that you heard the question
I didn't think you'd heard the question
- Pardon? - Oh, please, don't start
I can't go through all that again
- Oh, I got some sausages - That's nice
You haven't looked at them yet
No, I said, "That's nice"
Oh
Lionel, I think you're getting a bit deaf
Pardon?
- Hello - ALISTAIR: Hi, Li
Sorry, I forgot my key
LIONEL: That's all right Hello, Alistair
Li, could we have a word?
Yes, if we must Come through
Is Mum in the kitchen?
Sit down, Alistair
(INAUDIBLE)
Thanks
Well, this word
Oh, right
First of all, Li,
I love you
I do wish you wouldn't say things like that
Okay, but it's said and it was meant
Is there something wrong with your mouth?
No Why?
Because when you talk,
your jaw keeps wobbling about and you're shouting as well
- Am I? - Mmm
Sorry
- Is that better? - Yes, that's fine
Mind you, we are sitting quite close together
As long as we don't sit unnaturally close, I don't mind
Okay Good
Right, here goes
Li, I am aware of a problem
You've noticed, then
No, I can't honestly say I have, because I haven't been around too much lately,
but Judy has and she tells me that Sandy has, too
I think we might be needing this
That was Alistair on the phone
He finally got around to telling Lionel and he's just stormed out of the pub
Oh
Oh, look, come on He's not violent, is he?
Not so far, no
Look, you two go
There's no point in three of us getting bashed up
No, we'll stay Have you never heard of girl power?
Yes, I've heard of it In our days it was called flirting
(DOOR SLAMMING)
He doesn't sound in a very flirty mood
Hello, Lionel
Do you know what that fool in the pub has just told me?
ALL: No
Oh, yes, you do You're all in on it, aren't you?
Well, let me tell you something I am not a boy
- Look, nobody said - May I finish?
Sorry
And because I am not a boy,
my knees crack if I stand up too quickly,
I've been known to doze off in front of the television
and, believe it or not, I admit to missing the odd word in a conversation
But I am not ready for an ear trumpet yet
- Have you finished? - For the moment, yes
Well, firstly, no one said anything about an ear trumpet
Secondly, you are not missing the odd word,
you are missing more and more words all the time
- Rubbish - No, Mum's right, Lionel
This morning when I asked you if Mum was in the kitchen,
you didn't even answer me
That's 'cause I didn't know
Well, what about when I came in last night?
I said, "I've been to a rugby match" And you said, "Yes, I did England won"
- Well, they did - Oh, really
Look, before we start "oh-really-ing", consider this
I think that all three of you have got unnaturally soft voices
- Oh, for God's sake! - Yes, you have
It's a wonder I hear anything at all with you whispering all the time
- Oh, really - You're doing it again
Well, really
All right, what about when you're here on your own, watching television?
You have the sound up full blast
That's the BBC's fault
The sound level's never the same for two programmes running
JEAN: Lionel, just stop making silly excuses and face up to facts
You're making it sound like an accusation We all care about you and we want to help
There's simply no point turning a blind eye to your hearing
Is that a mixed metaphor?
I know what it is You know and I know
Consider this Consider this
If I'm supposed to be getting deaf,
why are we having a conversation in which, despite your soft voices,
I have heard every word that you've said?
It could have something to do with the fact that not one of us
is more than four feet away from you
Exactly Judy, stand over there Sandy, stand over here
- Oh, really - Oh, don't you start
- Now, Judy, say something - What? Say what?
I don't know Just say anything
(WHISPERING INAUDIBLY)
- All right, I didn't hear it - Nor did I, actually
Something about this afternoon?
I just said, I think it might rain this afternoon
Yes, well, say it in a normal voice I didn't ask you to whisper
- I think it might rain this afternoon - No, you've already said that
- Well, then, we'll get Sandy to say something - Well, Sandy
Erm Why do rugby club dancers get boisterous?
Well?
Something about oysters?
Boisterous
- Well, she whispered as well - I did not
- I heard every word she said - Oysters
Oh, very well, then Now, you sit there
- (STUTTERING) Just sit down there - Yes, all right, all right
Now No, no glasses
Now, what card am I holding up?
Well, I don't know, it's facing you
Oh, sorry Right, go on, then
Er, the, er The eight of
Right This one
- Queen of hearts - Wrong, the king of hearts
- Ah, but she did get the right suit - Right
Which is clearer, the black or the red?
- Oh, this is absurd - Well, of course it's absurd
You don't test someone's hearing by whispering in the corners of the room
any more than you test someone's eyesight by waving playing cards about
Exactly, which is why although I didn't even volunteer for it,
I shall be keeping my appointment with the eye specialist in the morning
Now, come on, Lionel
See sense
I'm not having an ear trumpet
How did it go?
Oh, how did it go for you?
Oh, fine, apart from paying his fee
You know, it's just a minor alteration to the prescription, that's all
Otherwise my eyesight's fine
Good So is my hearing
- Oh, you did go and have your ears tested - Yes
There was a small problem, but it's fixed
Oh, thank goodness
It's remarkable, isn't it?
You can't see it at all
- See what? - Well, your hearing aid
- I'm not wearing a hearing aid - Well, what was the small problem?
Wax
A build-up of wax in the ears, but I had it syringed Now everything's fine
- Did it hurt? - No
A bit like having a head full of water but, you know, it worked
- And that's all that matters - I was worried
Yes, I know I'm sorry I wasn't my usual grownup self about it
- Was there a lot of wax? - Yes, quite a lot
They gave it to me as a souvenir
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
Oh
And I got some more of those nice sausages as well
They're in here
You know, it still seems funny cooking for two
- You still miss the girls, don't you? - Sometimes
- Don't you? - No
- Lionel - Well, on balance, I mean
They're both very sweet but they do gum up the works from time to time
What do you mean "gum up the works"?
Well, take Casablanca.
The place?
- The film - Oh
- "We'll always have Paris" - Mmm
- You always cry when they sing the Marseillaise. - Of course
Well, the last time that was on television,
that was a time for us to be sitting together on the sofa
Me with my arm around you, passing the tissues
It didn't end like that, did it?
The three of you sniffling on the sofa, there wasn't even room for me
- You fell asleep anyway - That's irrelevant
The fact is, that should have been a time for me to be alone with my girl
- Girl? - Yes
Well, it's bound to be on television again
Well, if it is, I shan't be falling asleep
You were very sweet about the girls, you know
Very caring
A bit like walking through a minefield sometimes, though
I mean, two pretty, young girls
walking around the house with practically nothing on
- When? - No, they didn't actually do it
They could have done
That's what I meant about the minefield
You did walk in on Sandy once when she was in the bath
- That was the one mine I trod on - Yes, you should have seen your face
You should have seen yours after you'd had time to think about it
- You trying to get me drunk? - I haven't tried that since I was very young
Really? What happened?
I plied her with Babycham God, she could knock those back
And?
I tried to match her with my light ales and got legless myself
The young Mr Smooth
Now, what was this earlier about you being a fool?
- Well, I am - No, you're not
You're foolish sometimes, but never a fool
I know it's irrational, but I keep thinking what would have happened if I'd been in the bath?
- What would you have done? - Well, I'd have said hello
Then I'd have probably sat on the edge of the bath and had a chat
- Yes, exactly - Well, there's nothing wrong in that
No, I know But what if it had been years ago when I was young?
I'd have torn all my clothes off and jumped in with you
That's what I mean
Now, look, I did not consider doing that with Sandy
No, I know you didn't
Sometimes I think we need a translator
No, we don't need a translator It's just me
I suppose I'm jealous
- I thought we just agreed - Not of you, of Sandy
And Judy for that matter
(SIGHS)
I shan't say anything I'll just nod
No, but look at them
They're young and they're pretty and they're here as a constant reminder
And you're here
And you're only a man, after all
I'm not nodding at that
- And what do you mean "only a man"? - Well, don't tell me you never notice them
- Well, of course I notice them - Well, there you are, then
There I am where?
Well, chuck them both out, then
- What? - Well, I can't see any other solution
But we don't need a solution 'cause there isn't really a problem It's just me
Well, with the best will in the world, I can't honestly say that you're young and pretty
- No, I know that - But I think you're beautiful
- What? - I said you're beautiful
Have you had a few of those light ales before we started on the wine?
That's how I see you
You were beautiful when we met and you always will be
It's nothing to do with a few wrinkles and an extra pound or two
Or two?
It's what you are, it's
It's what you mean
I'm not putting this very well, am I?
Oh, it'll do very well, Lionel
It'll do very well
I think we'll leave the washing up
I was just going to suggest that myself
So, how often am I foolish?
- I thought you might like these - Oh, thank you
- Why? - To make notes
Oh
Jean is just about to get into bed
Yes, here she comes now
- I meant notes about the book - Yes, I rather thought you did
Well?
I'll draw you a picture of a rabbit instead
- You haven't even considered it, have you? - Yes, I have
I couldn't have done anything else with you going on about it all day
So consider the idea considered and rejected We are not a book
We're not even a paragraph We are just Mr and Mrs Hardcastle
Well, I still think it's been an interesting story
Of course it has But to us
Because we're the actualcombatants
- Combatants? - Participants
So let's just keep it to ourselves, shall we?
You know, meeting again after all those years,
we were very lucky, weren't we?
We got a second chance
Some people never get a first
I love you, Lionel
Just as well 'Cause I love you, too
If you repeat this, I shall say I was drunk
But I'm glad you're back in my life again
You are back in my life again, aren't you?
I seem to be, yes
Nice to have a friend
Yes
It's nice to have a friend
What are you doing?
- I'm giving you a friendly kiss - Oh
Oh, damn and blast
What now?
I need a pee
Oh
It's The Last Waltz.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
I don't suppose you have the strength to totter around, have you?
I thought you'd never ask
(HUMMING)
# You must remember this
#A kiss is still a kiss
#A sigh is just a sigh
# The fundamental things apply
#As time goes by
#And when two lovers woo
# They still say, "I love you"
# On that you can rely
# The world will always welcome lovers
#As time goes by #