Emily, we have to get the girls together again.
I loved our 90-minute conversation
on homework technique and containers.
Can't wait!
- Kill me now. - Uh-oh. Trouble in mom-i-dise?
Whenever Candice plays with a kid,
I gotta hang out with their lame ass mom.
Oh, my God! Okay. You gotta find a new crew.
You've got your L.L. Bean moms... snoozefest.
The single moms.
Should someone help that woman?
No one can help her.
And over there we have...
The cool moms.
The coolest moms around.
And their kids are top of the class.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
I give them "A" s so they'll like me.
I'm so stupid, whatever!
You know what? We're all adults.
I'm just gonna walk up to them and say something cool
like, "Hey."
So that's how I gave Michael Douglas throat cancer.
Jojo, you're the best.
Heeeeeey.
I'm so sorry, she's a rescue.
That's the thirstiest "Hey" I've ever heard.
Why is she... Oh, my God.
Okay, she's coming, she's coming... how do I look?
Is the bun fun? Hey.
Hey, 'sup?
Our kids are really getting along.
Play date. 4:00.
- Your house. - Yes.
- I'll bring a great bottle of Shiraz, cool? - Heh, no plus ones.
No, I'm cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
My iCal is totally full, love you guys!
Ew. Josh, you know I'm trying to get the house
cleaned up for the play date.
Sorry, Em. Mess is part of my process,
duh-doy!
Alex, what are you doing?
I'm beautiful minding, duh-doy.
Son of bitch!
Let me borrow your car.
- Hi, Randy. - Josh, let me borrow your car.
Emily is being impossible. What?
We just heard you crash yours into that tree.
The tree is not the issue!
My mom just snuck off to Palm Springs with some rando!
Hah, good for her!
Emily, I swear to God!
Why don't you do Randy a solid and just drive him yourself?
- To the desert? - Sure! Take Alex with you.
It'll be a fun road trip!
- Road trip! - Mix CDs!
Dried meats!
Stopping at a scary truck stop late at night!
Talking about our feelings!
What is happening?
And the best part is, you'll get out of the house...
I mean, you'll save Pearle and get out of the house.
Hmm.
Aahh!
What up? Let me see those hands up in the air!
Ah! That should be enough.
She's so cool.
Hey, Mom, you should wear this hat I made you at school!
Okay.
Jojo, Mia!
Hi!
I mean... 'sup?
Oh, you keep all those things.
I just take a picture and throw it away.
She doesn't know the difference.
Oh, yeah!
I was just about to do that.
Couldn't set up the camera in time.
Well, come in.
I was thinking we can all play Butterfly Barn.
I want to be the butter pig.
Not happening.
Hey, why don't you two go off and make your own choices...
good or bad.
We're going to down a batch of my latest.
Homemade beer?
Is this really happening?
Do I really have to be alone with her?
She made Mr. Campbell give himself a time out.
You are not gonna cry, Timothy Brice Campbell.
Not for her!
It's not my fault I found his terrible improve troupe
on YouTube. Go!
It will be great.
Dude, what's your problem?
You two are my problem!
You don't know what it's like to be the kid of a cop,
worried your mom's not coming home at the end of a shift.
Dang, man, I'm sorry.
I just need to make sure she's okay!
You know, it's natural to want to protect your mother
with everything that she did for you.
- Ahhhhhh! - Sweet Pattie La-Belle!
You're alive?!
Should it be so surprising to see a miracle
in the holiest of places?
I bet you could get us to the resort faster
than this junk chunk.
Oh, good.
It'll give us time to go over the word of the lord.
And that's why adultery is my favorite reason
for stoning women.
- Dude. - Come on!
Wow. So you don't give Mia any boundaries at all?
It's like this sour beer.
I mean, you can't just sit there
and watch the hops 24/7.
You got to give it space.
That's why it tastes so good.
Wow. That... That's so true.
Also, I let Mia drink beer.
It's like what they say in Europe...
no rules, just right.
Isn't that the slogan for Outback Steakhouse?
Yeah! But we went to the one in Europe, so...
Mom! Mia broke my piggy bank!
Oh, I'm sure it was an accident.
Mia, we're in someone else's home.
Was that piggy bank stifling your voice?
Yes, Jojo!
Capitalism is the great oppressor!
Ooh, respect.
Ugh, you're just gonna let her do that, Mom?
Well, you can't let things stifle your voice.
And you know what, don't call me Mom, call me Emily.
Aggression is natural. You just got to get it out.
That's why I take Mia to this wrestling class.
Wrestling? You should come!
Everybody's gonna be there.
Ehh?
We're here!
"Mother's End... Home Of The Secret Nudist Temple
Where Sound Doesn't Exist?"
Sounds like the perfect place to kill someone.
Flawless Caruso, bro.
Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh-shh.
Dude?!
We go where the road takes us, come on!
Emily, meet the crew.
This is Billie. 'Sup?
Billie gave Usher herpes.
Zola, the best SoulCycle instructor on the East Side. Yo.
Saffron, she's a staff writer for Goop Kids.
And Trish. Hi, nice to meet you, Emily.
Trish is so norm-core, it's sad.
Just like your apartment.
What?!
Jojo, how's Mia taking to her new diet?
Amazing. I'm only feeding her superfoods.
That's why she's crushing bitches!
Let's get Candice out there, see what she's got.
Ugh, I don't want to.
You can do it, don't be scared.
Mom! Mom?
Who are you talking to? I'm Emily.
Ugh!
Look, I'll try to take out as many people as possible,
but I can't kill everyone by myself.
You're each responsible for a body.
What the hell is that noise?!
Ahh!
We'll naked wrestle these guys!
Randy, go save your mom!
No one touches my ma!
What the?! Randy?
I'm here to save you!
You must be Randy!
Randy, why are you here?!
I told you I could take care of myself.
I thought he was murdering you!
Ha, if by murdering, you mean kill off
your mother's aching muscles with soothing sound waves.
I find that hard to believe!
We met when I was undercover with Big Donnie's crew.
He took 13 bullets for me in a shootout.
It was nothing.
I'm impressed with your detective work,
but I'm not going anywhere.
I'm sorry, Ma.
It's just... every night growing up,
I'd lie in bed until I heard the click of the door opening.
Because that's when I knew you were safe.
And even though you're retired,
I guess I still need to hear that click.
Oh, baby, if the streets of LA
couldn't take me out, nothing can.
I'm un-murderable.
She has very strong legs.
You're right, Dad.
Road trip! Road trip!
I'm gonna break you the way I broke that piggy bank!
She's gonna go easy on her, right?
No mercy, Mia!
You know how we do!
You're doing the right thing.
I let Mia beat my kid's ass,
and now we vacation with them in Cabo.
Stop! Candice!
I should have never set up this play date.
You don't ever have to try to do anything to be cool.
You're the coolest person I know.
Can we go home and play?
You bet.
Yeah, go on home to your board games.
You want to know why they're called that?
Because they're boring.
I knew you couldn't be a cool mom.
Maybe not, but I could beat a cool mom's ass!
It's on!
Ready?
Go!
Yeah get her! You can do it.
Come on! Slam it down, bitch!
You can do it, Mom!
Have fun with the loser moms.
Agh!
Ahh! Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!
Is there a doctor here?
I deserve this for being such a dick.
Ow! Ah!
Peace out! Mia, you're driving!
That was really brave of you to stand up to Jojo.
She terrifies me.
Oh, thanks.
Maybe we could all get together some time?
As long as we get to play Butterfly Barn!
Oh, my gosh! I love Butterfly Barn!
I'll bring the homemade beer.
Just kidding,
I'm not a douche-bag.