♪♪
Ah! A surprising love is about to bloom in your life.
This is so me and Ron.
- Who? - Ron!
I've been texting and occasionally sexting him forever.
Tonight, we're finally meeting face-to-face.
Ron is the first guy I've met
since Alex who seems like he could be something.
You'd be surprised how hard it is to find someone
when you're divorced and living with your ex.
- It's not. - Not surprising at all.
You might as well be wearing a red flag.
- So, as I was predicting... - Mmm! Look what Ron just sent.
Ooh, I'll sign for that. Business!
Since they're not paying attention, you want a reading?
Uh, no, thanks. I don't believe in that stuff.
You don't need to believe in psychics
to see that your marriage is like that salsa: not so spicy.
[Gasps]
♪♪
- How did you know that? - I say what I see...
in my mind!
[Cackling, thunder crashing]
Sorry! These new thunder pants are louder
than I thought they would be.
[Thunder crashing]
♪♪
Look at you!
- A hot date? - What?
No, I'm just going to... a funeral.
Eh, it's totally cool.
So you're not gonna lose your shit?
Oh, no. And ooh, hey,
if you need help getting laid at that funeral,
I'm a great wingman.
Like the theme song says...
♪ I'll be there for you ♪ [claps]
Yeah, that's not where the claps go.
Ooh, you're looking real fine with that staple gun.
I got to finish my costume before we go
to the pumpkin patch tonight.
Can't have Candice be a genie without a lamp.
Come on, Josh. I'm trying to spice up our love life.
What? Why? We're spicy.
Not like we used to be.
We used to have sex a lot, and you'd surprise me with stuff,
and I'd brag about it to my friends.
- Do you still feel that spark? - I mean, yes, no.
Uh, what's the right answer?
♪♪
Ugh, another sexy night
making all of Candice's lunches for the week.
This mayo is getting more action than I am.
[Buzzing] Open your closet for a surprise?
Ah! Oh, sorry.
I was trying to be sexy, but I have no game.
The surprise is, we're reliving our first date tonight!
[Gasps] Our first date, really?
And that's why I think Best Picture might go to
"Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium."
Rar! Ah! Mmm, mmm, mmm.
I know things have gotten a little stale lately, so let's
kick it old-school, back to when things were the spiciest.
I love this idea!
Hi, I'm meeting someone.
Reservation under Ron, maybe Ronald 'cause he's classy.
Yes, party of three. Right this way.
- Three? - Bridgette!
Ron... Oh, wait. What?
Hi, I'm Joy!
Is this... Is this a Halloween costume or...
I've heard so much about you,
but not because I've been eavesdropping.
That'd be creepy.
It's because we're sewn together.
No! I know.
We were young, dumb, and matching tattoos
weren't strong enough to express our love.
- But you're broken up? - Very.
We're actually getting unconjoined next month,
but I couldn't wait any longer to see you.
Look, I understand if you want to bail,
but after our very long conversations over text,
I don't know.
I feel connected to you.
Eh, and you did look past some of my baggage.
Come on. Give it a chance.
I'll put a tablecloth over her.
I'm just gonna run to the bathroom for a minute.
I'll be right back.
I'm a great wingman, wingman, wingman...
Five!
You're missing a great show.
He is busting out all the hits!
Did you really mean it when you said you'd be my wingman?
Uh, no doy.
I used to wing for Josh in high school.
I was amazing at it.
Funny story, actually...
[Laughs] Funny story. Okay.
I'm texting you the address.
It is a funny story, though.
Josh ends up turding in the pool.
And that's how I climbed Machu Picchu.
Wow. I can barely say Micha Picca.
Remember when we got to the top?
We 69ed so hard we passed out.
God, your laugh makes our knees weak.
- Get over here! - Bridgette?
What are you doing here? Oh, my gosh.
Ron, Joy, this is Alex, my ex.
- Hi, I'm Joy. - Alex!
- What am I looking at? - Oh, that?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No big deal, Alex.
They got conjoined when they were together,
- but now they are super apart. - No!
I mean, why are you hiding that beautiful hair
- under a tablecloth? - Oh, I like this one.
- May I? - Sure, as long as
you don't mind our connection over here.
Woman: And initial here.
And initial here acknowledging that you will shit your pants.
Perfect. Have fun... [with evil voice] in Hell!
[Cackling]
- Josh. - Emily.
- Josh! - I'm right here, okay?
Don't be scared. See? We're okay.
No phones allowed!
- Ah! - Not sexy, not sexy!
[Creaking] [Both screaming]
Ah!
Okay. I'm done.
No spark is worth this.
I guess I can get a refund on that sex pillow.
What the hell?
Emily! Emily!
- Mmm, your hands are so soft. - Thank you!
Almost as soft as the llama I met hiking Machu Picchu.
[Chuckles] Again, I'm not so into hiking.
I feel like it's just hard walking.
Okay. Your favorite Viking erotica?
Both: "The Glistening Scabbard."
- Yes! - Yes!
You know what? Dinner's on me.
Emily!
- Huh? - Josh?
Anybody?
[Snarling]
[Bones cracking]
[Roaring]
Ah!
[Josh and Emily screaming]
[Creature roaring]
Is that its neck or its butthole?
It's both!
♪♪
[Echoing] Josh?
[Racing footsteps]
[Echoing] You'll never find the right me.
- Never! Never! - Ah!
Woo!
Ooh, yeah. Woo!
- Woo! - You never took me dancing.
I guess I just needed a little Joy
in my life to unlock the real me.
Ooh, yeah! Woo!
I'm so sorry.
Nature calls, and I'm not talking about Machu Picchu.
[Laughs] That'd be a first.
Don't go anywhere, my little birdie.
Feed me from your mouth to my mouth.
Chirp-a, chirp-a, chirp!
Okay. Your wingman job is done.
- We can go. - What? Why?
Because my date is sewn to his ex
and won't stop bragging about Macho Pecho.
Well, it sounds like he and Joy had a transformative experience.
If you like Joy so much,
- why don't you just conjoin with her? - Yes, why don't I?
[Soft music playing]
Aw, this one looks nice.
Oh, this one will really show we're in love.
[Both laugh]
I can't believe you're letting him conjoin with you guys.
He barely knows the "Friends" theme song.
If she wants to sit middle seat in this flight called life,
then so be it.
Ooh, somebody is full.
Kiss me!
Mmm, more tongue, yeah.
Mmm, just look at this tum-tum.
Now, let's do other sex stuff.
When Joy and I used to have sex, we'd call it the panini press,
but we'd have to be conjoined to do that.
That's it! We're conjoining too!
- What's that now? - I'm sorry?
Josh!
Emily!
Give up now. It was better in the past anyway.
I'm not giving up!
And now Candice will be an orphan,
all because you lost your spark.
- An orphan, what? - Don't you get it?
You died in the haunted house.
- We're... - ...dead?
We can't be dead. No way!
It's true.
Remember that tree in the graveyard?
[Zipping]
No! It's not true!
- Emily! - Josh!
Don't move. I'll be right there.
Josh!
Ah!
Gah!
Unh!
Yah!
[Glass breaking]
When that demon was chasing me,
all I could think about was that I'd never see you again.
I thought I'd never see you again either.
I'm sorry we're dead.
I just wanted to reconnect with you.
Me too.
I may be physically dead, but you know what's not dead?
Oh, I know.
♪♪
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
[Lights clunking on]
You can stop making out now.
You're not really dead, and we've got to bring
in another couple to psychologically torture.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Hello? Please!
Ugh.
Oh, my-God-isn't-real, you're jealous.
Wha...? What, of who?
Oh, you can't stand to see me finally over you.
Just say it. Never!
Come on, Ron. We're getting sewn together.
Not if we do it first!
[Groaning, grunting]
Stop!
Bridgette, I can't attach myself to someone
who's clearly not detached from their ex.
I'm not detached?
You're literally sewn to your ex.
But we can cut ourselves apart.
You can't cut apart feelings.
Oh, great, now you say something interesting.
Alex, what we have is nice, but...
No, no, no, no, no, no. Come on. Come on. What?
It's not like I've already written a part of my memoir
where I described her teeth or anything.
You know what my teeth look like?
Of course I do.
They're all the pieces that make up your smile.
Mmm, aww.
- Oh, I want that. - Yeah...
And I want to masturbate alone.
[Both grunting]