Wha...
Oowie.
Jackpot!
Professor, a little help!
Uh, yeah, just hang on. I gotta take this call.
What?!
Should have stayed dead, moldy bitch!
Professor!
I'm sorry. Can you say that one more time?
Thanks a lot, Mom. You set off all the booby traps.
Yes, Mr. Salt, I'll e-mail the project managers right now.
Time for bed!
My mom won't play board games with me, either.
Mom!
We never finished Grave Rollers from last night.
You know I love Grave Rollers, but I have to go to work.
Ugh! You're missing a lot of stuff 'cause of work.
Candice is right.
You have kind of been being a doormat for Mr. Salt.
Maybe I do say yes a lot, but I can't lose my job.
It gets us important stuff, like health insurance.
My job gets us important stuff, too.
More like 20% off Ethernet cables that no one uses.
Ah.
Look, I know I've been super busy with work lately,
so I came up with a plan.
You know how Food Corps has a P.R. nightmare
every couple weeks?
"Condom Found in Woman's Can"?
What, are we supposed to inspect every can now?
Okay, we need a crazy publicity stunt to distract everyone.
Go! We could sponsor a garden at my daughter's school.
Wait, wait. I have an idea.
What if we sponsor a garden at my assistant's kid's school?
So you're coming to my school today to garden with us?
- Yep! - Yay!
I could come help with the garden, too.
No, no, I don't want to interrupt your day.
You're on call, and that's important.
Ready for a day of skipping rocks, bro?
Welcome, everyone.
Our little garden is turning into
a big Food Corps community garden project,
all thanks to Candice's mom.
Jerry Plembladd, L.A. Weekly.
Is this community event
merely an attempt to divert attention away
from the used condom that was found...
Okay, it was not used. It's not just the garden.
We're gonna have a fancy celebration dinner,
and you're all invited.
And it's all gonna happen tonight, right, Emily?
Yes, Mr. Salt.
You won't find any condoms here.
Okay, class. Line up for Yoga Snack Time.
Wait, I thought the children would help me garden.
And the whole point was to spend more time with Can... them.
Oh, honey, the school doesn't have the legal team for that.
Instead, we nurture their inner emotional garden.
Okay, Mommy's going to work on the garden for your class,
but later, it's just you, me, and Grave Rollers!
Hmm. I'm not holding my breath, which is really fun to do.
Huh! Waahh!
Your rock-throwing seems off today.
You okay, bro?
Do you think I'm useless, Randy?
Emily's job gets us health insurance and stuff,
and mine doesn't get us anything.
You gotta think of yourself like a rock.
You spend most of your life not doing much.
But when you do...
...it's beautiful.
Oh, man!
Why did I fill this with assorted nuts?
Don't stop now. You were doing such a good job.
Huh?
Aah! Creepy giant snail!
Sorry. Didn't mean to startle you.
I just make that noise sometimes when I'm hungry.
Yeah, well, don't get your hopes up.
There's no way I can finish this garden.
Perhaps I can be of service.
You need more time, and I've got a magic hat.
What is that, an expression?
No, no, I've literally got a magic hat
that can slow down time.
What if I made you a deal?
I'll let you use the hat to work the garden,
and in return, you give me a free pass to...
nibble on the vegetation.
Okay.
Go ahead, try using it on the garden.
Wow! What a time saver!
Hello, Mr. Salt.
Emily, I need you
to pick up the mini tuxes from the rental place
and have them on my desk ASAP. Mini tuxes?
Mr. Salt, the dinner's in an hour.
I know. That's why when you're done with that,
you can stop by Javier's Dance Studio
to learn the choreography to teach the children.
Ooh, the press is gonna eat this up.
Okay. I'll handle it.
Knock, knock!
On my way home, I passed the Domingo's truck,
and I brought you some carnitas tacos.
Oh, the aroma alone conveys the sensation
of slithering down the streets of Cuernavaca,
and I've not even been there.
So, anyway, some work stuff came up,
and I was wondering if I could borrow that hat again?
Unfortunately, the hat's only for the garden.
Come on. No!
It's not my fault you put too many ingredients
in your parenting paella.
What's that supposed to mean?!
It means you're a shit parent.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
it's time for a little post-taco siesta.
Don't tell me how to be a working mom.
♪ I've got too much ♪
♪ Time on my hands ♪
♪ It's hard to believe such a calamity ♪
♪ I've got too much ♪
♪ Time on my hands ♪
♪ And it's ticking away ♪
♪ Ticking away from me ♪
Wow. I gotta hand it to you, Ramirez.
You really took care of everything.
Thanks, Mr. Salt.
It was nothing.
Oh, don't be modest.
I can tell that it was really stressful,
judging by those massive crow's feet.
Crow's feet? I didn't have these this morning.
Don't be embarrassed. Let them ca-caw loud and proud!
Uh...
Aah!
Huh?
Candice! Are you okay?
He scared me.
Well, well, well.
Looks like someone couldn't get enough of the hat.
And look at you, aging rapidly with every disgusting tip of it.
I warned you of the consequences,
and yet you still chose to break our deal.
Consequences? You didn't say anything about that.
Perhaps I was talking too fast for you.
I'll let you use the hat to work the garden,
and in return, you give me a free pass to...
nibble on the vegetation.
Any use of the hat outside the garden
will result in rapid aging,
acquisition of child, and may cause anal leakage.
I, myself, can vouch for that.
I would have never agreed to that.
- But you already did! - Aah!
Mommy!
What's happening?!
Mommy's too busy to care now.
But we're going to have some fun together.
Maybe go see a movie, maybe play some board games,
or use these chubby little legs of yours to run to Chinatown
so I can finally savor some pork dumplings!
Run for me, my tiny beauty!
- Run! - No!
I can't feel my body!
I got you.
A call.
Josh, I know this sounds crazy,
but I used a magic hat way too many times,
and I'm in way over my head at the dinner,
and I need your help.
I'll be right there!
Now be the rock, Josh!
Be the rock that your family can depend on!
Let's see how you fight when you're an insecure teenager!
Aah! My T-zone!
Ooh!
Huh?
Oh! Candice!
Mommy!
Get this asshole!
Oh. They grow up so fast, don't they?
No!
It's too late for you! Bah!
Never!
Oh.
Emily! What the hell?!
Josh, help!
Uh, uh...
Be the rock-ock-ock.
Sorry, I'm not great at echoes.
Hyah!
Don't you see?
You need me to keep all this going.
Oh, yeah?
Escargot to hell.
Yah!
Aah!
Are you okay?
No.
Mediocre table service, giant snail fight,
and a wormhole to another dimension?!
Now that is how you distract everyone
from a condom in a can of lima beans.
Great work, Emily.
And, by the way, I'm gonna need you to come in
at 6:00 tomorrow, Emily.
The children's tuxedos won't return themselves.
Yes, Mr. Salt.
Actually, no. I can't be in that early.
I'm gonna play Grave Rollers with my child.
Oh. Okay.
Just come in at 6:45.
Nice!