[music]
[Brent] Hey, Karen.
Hey, didn't I fill you up yesterday?
Where'd you drive to, the moon?
- Tickie, tickie, tickie, tickie... - What's going on?
- Am I on 60 Minutes? - Every time I leave Corner Gas,
I get a rock stuck in my tire from your gravel,
and then all I hear when I drive is "tickie, tickie, tickie."
What do you want me to do about it?
Pave the parking lot.
Yeah, that's a reasonable $40,000 solution
to your tire going "tickie."
Well, you're a full-service gas station.
- Let's see some service. - All right, fine, I'll dig it out.
Ooh, Spider-Man underpants, huh?
I didn't know they made those for ages bald and up.
Age "bald-ING," thank you very much.
All done. That'll be five bucks.
You're charging me? But it's your rock!
- I'm just returning it. - It's not a pop can.
I'm a man of business, and I provided a service.
You can keep the rock.
I said you could keep the rock! She took my knife.
Maybe she already has a rock.
A $60 ticket? For what?
Possession of a folding blade. It's illegal in Dog River.
What?! I use a folding blade all the time!
For cutting strings or fending off coyotes.
You're kidding me, right?
Afraid not. You can look it up.
I will look it up.
Nice doing business with you. Ha!
You're not gonna pay that, are you?
I shouldn't. But I probably will.
- I'm worried about my police record. - Police record?
Mr. Superhero Underpants has a police record?
What did you do?
You can't just drop that and walk away!
You're a disgrace to your gonch!
♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪
♪ Look closer, baby you're so wrong ♪
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
[TV playing] You'll see, Meredith.
The day he wakes up from that coma,
he'll take my hand and tell me he loves me.
No, Lucinda! It's me he truly loves.
He only said those things to you
because he was possessed by your dead husband!
[muttering] Yeah, the husband you rat poisoned.
Oh, look, he's opening his eyes!
- [gasps in shock] - I'm heading out for a bit.
He's reaching out his hand...
- But for who? - ...but for who?
You want to know where I'm going?
- Raphael? - Or when I'm coming back?
I know when you're coming back.
Lunchtime. You never miss it.
I'm off to Corner Gas! Ha!
Now you know, whether you like it or not!
[laughing]
[front door opens and closes]
Do you hear me?
- [front door opens] Hey, Emma. - Oh, for Pete's sake.
You know Brent doesn't live here anymore, right?
Uh. I'm here because I got a new job.
- You didn't have an old job. - I am a money manager.
- That can't possibly be true. - My card.
This is a "buy ten subs, get one free" card.
Where do you think I got all the money for those subs?
My clients give me their loose change,
I swap it to local businesses for bills, and keep 10%.
Whatever.
Take any loose change you see lying around the house,
- and then get out of the house. - [chuckles] Thanks, Emma!
[television plays] I can't believe he admitted that!
Admitted what?
[music]
Where's the tickie tickie?
- I had Brent dig out the rock. - Aw, I liked it.
It was soothing,
and then it got exciting when you drove faster.
Brent was going to charge me for it,
so I wrote him up. Jerk move.
Yeah, that was a jerk move by you.
No, Brent was the jerk, so I gave him a ticket.
- "Possession of a folding blade." - You made up a law?
Sounds like you were both being jerks.
Jerk-on-jerk crime.
It's a legitimate law. Look it up.
Municipallaws.dogriver. sask.gov.org
The DRPD has all kinds of antiquated laws still on the books.
It's illegal to play poker on Sundays.
It's illegal to challenge someone to a duel.
"Children under the age of 12 cannot be sold to the circus."
That's when they're most flexible.
We have a bunch of old-timey police equipment
in storage, too. If you need a Mother's Day gift,
there's some nice muskets in there.
[music]
[gasps]
[cell phone rings]
- Hey, Emma. - Did you take Oscar's
collector quarter out of his display case?
The really old one with the slightly bent edge?
- You betcha. - Please tell me you still have it.
That's Oscar's prized possession,
- and it's worth a lot of money. - I still have it.
Oh, thank goodness. I need it back.
I don't have it.
Then why did you say you did?
Because you told me to say that, and you said please.
Where did you swap those coins?
[music]
Hey, Davis. Don't you think it's hypocritical
for you to be sitting next to a criminal?
I don't get it.
"A woman shall not wear pants in a public place."
Right there on municipallaws .dogriver.sask.gov.org
I still can't believe that domain was available.
Well, this is just silly.
I don't make the rules. I just use them for spite.
Guess you better write her up.
You're not really going to do that.
Oh, I didn't realize cops had immunity in this town.
I've got to be fair, Karen.
[scoffs] Unbelievable. I will get you back, Leroy.
Police threat! Witnesses!
Oh, knock it off.
- Brent, you're being petty and childish. - Yeah!
And, Karen, you of all people should know
that no one is above the law.
You're telling me you wouldn't complain
if you got a ticket for wearing pants?
I'm saying I have the utmost respect for the law.
It should be taken seriously. Right, Davis?
But some of these laws are seriously stupid.
I can't believe you think I'm being petty and childish.
Now if you'll excuse me...
...I'm gonna randomly brandish this giant machete,
which isn't illegal, because it's not a folding blade.
[slicing] Whoa! Watch what you're doing!
Relax, I'm just making a point.
[music]
Brent almost killed me.
Attempted murder? His police record...
Has he killed before? Or failed at killing before?
Ketchup next to instant oatmeal?
What idiot organized these shelves?
Yeah, you should really teach me a lesson
and go shop somewhere else.
[telephone rings]
- Corner Gas. What? - Is Oscar still there?
Hmm, let's see if anyone is driving me crazy
with his incessant rambling. Oh, there he is.
I don't have time to explain,
but I need you to keep him occupied.
Here? With me?
- Voluntarily? - I'll make it worth your while.
What's your while worth?
Tell you what, I'll keep him here, but afterward,
you tell me everything you know
- about Brent's police record. - You got a deal.
Where are the Tums?
Let me guess, beside the antifreeze.
You know, Oscar,
if you just tell me how to rearrange the shelves,
I'll probably forget, but if you show me, quietly,
without saying anything, it might sink in.
[music]
Karen, can you pass the mustard?
Kinda tough to spread mustard with this,
but nothing illegal about it.
Oh, honestly. A sword now?
You don't think that's a little outrageous?
What's outrageous is you having a fish 'n' chips special
- on a Wednesday. - What's wrong with that?
"Fish shall only be served at a public eatery on Fridays."
That's a religious thing, not a law.
Actually, he's right. It's on here.
A-ha!
I guess Miss Goody-two-shoes is getting a ticket.
Oh, I'm not giving Lacey a ticket.
No, Karen, I respect the law
and insist on taking my punishment.
- Give me the ticket. - No, I'm not giving you a ticket
because that's not the penalty.
- It's jail time. - Jail time? That's crazy.
But you did say, in a righteous and preachy fashion,
you had the utmost respect for the law.
I guess if Brent and I have to pay the consequences, so do you.
It's your first menu violation, so I won't cuff you.
Lacey! Did you bring muffins?
Nope, she was caught serving fish on a Wednesday,
which, according to the law book, requires jail time.
- This is getting way out of hand. - But it is the law,
and I'm prepared to face the consequences.
Lately it feels like the law is laughing in our face.
I need some fresh air. Unless that's illegal.
[grumbles]
How long will I be behind bars?
I've got some chili simmering.
Oh, well, we have to wait for a judge
to come from the city,
and their schedules are often pretty packed.
Ah, let me check.
- Eight days?! - [gasps] I'm stuck here for eight days?
Oh, no... [chuckles] Sorry, seven.
You want your coins back?
[chuckles] I knew you wouldn't make it in finance.
We just need to see the quarters.
I already gave out a bunch of change today, but sure.
Damn. No dice.
No special quarter either.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got work to do in the back.
I guess we keep searching.
[whispers] Hey, Hank. Charity coin box.
- Sorry, I'm tapped out. - People put their change in there.
And I said I don't have... Oh...
- I'm not seeing it. - I guess we're off to the bar.
[gasps] My word. Stealing from charity to buy booze.
I expect this from Emma, but not from my money manager!
[music]
Oh, sorry. I'll pick that up.
Who cares? I've lost all faith in the law.
So... I don't have to pick that up?
Do whatever you want.
Whatever I want? Hmm...
- Meh. - [chuckles] This is incredible!
Hey, everybody, it's the Purge!
[Wanda] Tums beside newspapers?
Yeah! The news today?
It's enough to turn anyone's stomach.
- I've learned so much. - Darn right you have.
- Now I'm going home for lunch. - No, no!
You've got to stay. Uh, I need your help.
[whispers] Helen's here, and she's a chronic shoplifter.
We need to bust her.
- We? - I'd be too obvious.
So you need to follow her around
- with this video camera. - Video camera?
- Looks like a flashlight. - No. It's a very high-tech spy cam.
- The kind James Bond uses. - Which James Bond?
- I don't know, Roger Moore? - Oh, the cheeky one.
[giggles] I like him.
[music]
The quarters could be anywhere by now.
I know Lanny got some from me earlier to play pinball.
Pling! Whirr...
Ding-ding, flippy-flippy.
Have you ever even played pinball?
You do your job, I'll do mine.
Have you broken into the money box yet?
No. It's really tough.
Oh, look! I won!
- Wee-oo, wee-oo! - Hey, Emma, I don't mean to interrupt
your fake pinball playing, but do you guys want the keys
so you can unlock the money box?
That'd be great, thanks.
- You see it? - Nope. I'm getting thirsty.
How much is a beer?
.75, 1.00, 1.50...
You know that's pinball money, not your money,
"Mr. Money Manager."
I guess I have to tell Oscar the truth.
Get me a drink too.
[music]
Hey, Davis!
I just thought I'd jaywalk over here
to see if it was okay that I jaywalked over here.
[splat]
You don't mind if I leave my gum there, do you?
Why would I care?
I mean, it's super gross and un-hygenic, but whatever.
- Davis. - Mavis.
Whoa!
Anarchy!
- Heavens! - That's enough!
I don't care what anyone does
as long as it doesn't endanger others!
Are you all right?
Oh, I may need mouth-to-mouth. [sighs]
[music]
For the love of God, just steal something already.
What are you talking about?
Wanda said you were a shoplifter.
Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho, I didn't say "shoplifter."
I said she was a sock-sniffer.
[huffs in indignation]
Way to go. You blew your cover.
You didn't say "sock-sniffer," and I've got the video to prove it.
That's it, I'm going home.
- No, no, you can't! - Why not?
There's something fishy going on here.
You're right. The truth is...
- there's a surprise party for you. - Why? It's not my birthday.
- That's part of the surprise! - Oh. Yeah, I guess.
Well, I don't want to ruin the surprise.
You hide in the surprise closet
until I say the secret phrase...
"This Day Can't End Soon Enough."
Uh, wait... Why am I the one hiding?
It's not my party. [thud]
[music blasting]
Bu, you've got to turn that down!
Word on the street is there's no law.
Ravi said that, and then threw a candy wrapper at me.
That's not exactly the case. I have a couple of laws.
One, you can't endanger someone,
- and two, you can't annoy me. - Oh, really?
But that's allowed?
- [humming] - Oh, come on, Zeke!
Hold on, I'm almost done.
- [sighs] - You're done now.
Tap it and wrap it. I'm taking you in.
Congratulations on making me care about the law again.
I'm not sitting here for seven days.
I know my rights. How about my phone call?
You wanna call Josh and tell him to stir the chili?
As a matter of fact, I'm gonna phone my lawyer.
No, no. Um... we don't need lawyers.
Besides, bad news, our phone is broken.
[dialing]
Good news, I have my own.
Dammit. I should've patted her down.
[music]
[Oscar] How long do I have to hide in here?
I'm bored, and hungry!
Balloons? I can't eat these!
Blow them up.
Why do I have to blow up balloons?
It's your party. You don't want balloons?
No, I want them!
[inflating]
The best part of blowing them up in the dark
is that you won't know what colour they are.
That's part of the surprise!
[deflating rapidly]
You'll never guess what happened!
It's one of two things.
Either way, keep the door closed.
[music]
Hey, why'd you call me down here?
I think we went too far.
[sobbing]
I just can't believe
how quickly my world's been turned upside down!
My reputation is ruined, and I talked to my lawyer
about what it'll cost to expunge my record,
and I can't afford it!
I'm gonna have to sell The Ruby to pay my legal fees!
What? No, no, no.
No tears, no crying.
- Please, it was all a joke. - A joke?
Well, that's a pretty mean joke.
You're right, it's just...
You were so holier-than-thou about the law.
- I thought this would be funny. - Well, it wasn't funny.
I bet you feel like a real jerkwad.
I'm unfamiliar with that particular...
- A big, mean, jackass jerkwad! - Okay, yes.
- Yes what? - I'm a big, mean, jackass jerkwad!
All right, then. I'll be on my way.
I hope you'll take some time
to think about what you've done.
Wow, she's good.
She had us both fooled with those crocodile tears.
Yes. Both of us.
- I was not in on that at all. - Everyone in the cell.
What did they all do?
Littering, spitting, jaywalking, speeding,
disturbing the peace, and public urination.
None of this requires jail time. At most, it's a citation.
Oh, yeah. Well, they can wait in jail
until I finish writing the tickets. [clank]
- Can I use the bathroom? - You just went!
[music]
What happened to Oscar?
- He's in the surprise closet. - The what?
I Can't Wait For This Day To End!
Tell me about it.
- Surprise! [balloons bounce] - [laughs] Is this for my birthday?
That's awesome!
It's a bit early, but, uh, what's four months?
No, jackass, it's for me.
Now, I'm starving. Where's my cake?
Here's the wackiest surprise of all...
- There's no cake! - No cake?
- Not all surprises are good surprises.
Speaking of not-good surprises,
I have something to tell you, Oscar.
I don't want to hear anything until I eat something!
Wait a minute, this looks like my quarter.
It's got the same bent edge. 1962.
This is my quarter! How did it get here?!
I can explain.
- Let me guess, it's Hank's fault. - No. What happened was...
Okay, yes, it's Hank's fault.
Well, first time for everything.
It must have gone into circulation and ended up here.
What's so special about it, anyway?
I mean, does it have magical powers?
[chuckles wryly]
[seriously] Does it have magical powers?
All quarters from before 1965 have real silver in them.
This rascal is worth almost three dollars!
Three dollars?!
We went through all this for three stinkin' dollars?!
Almost three stinking dollars.
In another ten years, it might be worth almost five!
I'll give you almost six right now
if you never mention this stupid coin again.
Sold! Now I'm getting back in the closet
to wait for the rest of my party to show up.
[giggling]
[balloons bounce, door closes]
I'm closing up here. Want to go for a drink?
[music]
Great chili, Lacey.
Hmm, silent treatment, huh?
Well, I guess it's better than a lecture about...
You got some nerve, buddy! A jail prank?
A lot could've gone wrong with that.
I could've been shivved by another prisoner!
This chili could've been burned.
There ought to be a law against what you did.
Actually, there is.
Come on, you guys are setting me up.
"A man of business shall not mislead a maiden."
You're a man of business.
You made that very clear this morning.
And you just had to be a maiden. So, what...
this law doesn't require jail time, I hope?
I told you the DRPD still has a ton of old equipment in storage.
Don't worry, Brent. You only have to be here for 24 hours.
Wow, I really got off scot free in all of this.
[starting engine]
[rock ticking in tire]
- Dammit! Rock tire! - All right...
Tickie, tickie, tickie, tickie, tickie, tickie...
This seems harsh, but entertaining.
Is this because of his police record?
- You promised to tell me. - I promised to tell you
everything I know about it, which is nothing.
Brent... since when do you have a police record?
Since I started collecting vinyl.
Their "Ghost in the Machine" album is a classic.
I lent it to Karen and Davis
and was worried I wouldn't get it back
- if I didn't pay the ticket. - So your police record
- is just a record by The Police? - Yeah. Not sure where I lost you.
You deserve this fate.
This punishment is bad enough,
but it's extra cruel to eat that right in front of me.
- Can I have a bite? - Nah, I'm not legally allowed
to share food with a prisoner while they're in a stockade.
People in stockades get food thrown at them all the time.
Thank you. Mm...
[music]
[groaning]
I could do without being in a stockade ever again.
- Those old laws are so ridiculous. - I wonder if today's laws
will look stupid to people in the future.
- [chuckling] - What's so funny?
I'm reading a comic from the 21st century.
They had a bunch of weird old laws back then.
Did you know it used to be illegal to kill people?
- It used to be illegal to do this? - Yeah.
Because in the old days, you couldn't do this.
[groaning]
- Did you disintegrate me again? - No.
[music]
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ The same things you don't know ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ I just... don't know ♪
♪ Ooh... ♪
♪ It's a great big place ♪
♪ Ooh... ♪
♪ Full of nothin' but space ♪
♪ Ooh... ♪
♪ And it's my happy place ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~