[organ music playing]
[whispers] Okay, little one,
if you can get through the day without making me puke,
I promise Mommy will get as sick as you like on the honeymoon.
There's my angel.
Is something wrong?
Oh. Oh, no, Daddy. I'm just so...
[retches]...happy.
Susan, sweetheart,
do you have cold feet?
There's no shame if you do.
No. No, I don't.
You're sure you don't?
I'm sure.
Okay, but it'd be really fine if you did.
What? What are you saying?
I'll give you a thousand dollars to walk away right now.
- Daddy! - Three thousand.
A trip to Europe.
Remember that pony you wanted when you were six?
He's yours!
Just come to your senses and call this whole thing off.
I'm marrying Frank today!
You know I have issues with that boy,
and here you are, just throwing your life away
in a rush to marry him.
Who plans a wedding in a week?
I just love him. That's all!
- Well, I hate him! - Well, I'm marrying him!
And if you can't accept that, then I don't want to talk to you anymore!
More! More!
- More! More! More! - [bed creaking]
Oh, Sue, you're on fire! Old Franky boy's still got it!
Shut up, Dad!
["Come and Get Your Love" by Redbone playing]
♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
- [grunts, screaming] - ♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love now ♪
♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love now ♪
[boom]
[Durkin] All right, this one'll separate the doctors from the ditchdiggers.
How many quarts of sawdust can I add to two gallons of chili
before it stops being food
and becomes particleboard?
Kevin Murphy, star pupil.
- Uh... - [students mockingly] Uh, uh, uh...
Well, this "new you" didn't last long.
You back on the wacky weed?
[students laugh]
[girl] Oh, stupid!
[boy] What a douche.
I'm sorry, Mr. Durkin, but my grandfather just died,
and it's really messing up my family.
My mom's super tense all the time.
I heard my dad crying in the bathroom last night,
and when I asked him if he was okay, he told me to go fuck myself.
I know I'm only 15, but I feel like if something doesn't change,
I'm gonna wake up one day and be 40
with a shit job and a rock-god kid who hates me.
And the answer is two quarts of sawdust
or 1.8927 liters of chili.
[students whispering somberly]
Kids, I want to tell you how much I hate your generation.
I don't like your clothes, your haircuts, or your funky music.
Kevin, I've hated you the most.
But if sitting through 27 years of my own shattered dream
to make a difference is what it took to get to this moment,
goddamn it, it was all worth it.
Everyone turn your desk around. Now.
Don't look at me.
[sobs]
[boy chuckles] Durkin's crying again.
[Durkin] I hope you all overdose!
Okay, kids, soon we'll be at Fort Rustland,
the birthplace of our fair city,
scene of the historic...
Look, a junkie!
[kids clamoring]
That bum is washing his ass in the fire hydrant!
[kids clamoring]
Keep it down, ya little shits,
or I'll turn this bus around and drive it right into an oil tanker!
[kids gasp]
Thank you, Mr. Fitzy.
I said shut the fuck up!
Hey, Maureen. I heard your grandpa died.
Yeah, so? [grunts]
That's from your grandpa from beyond the grave!
- That's really fucked up! - That's the point.
[grunts] Oh my God, you popped my eye out!
Oh no, I'm sorry!
You're going to jail!
They're gonna give you the dry end of a mop!
No, please! Don't send me to jail!
Glass eye! Fooled you!
[both laugh]
- Stupid bitch! - Oh, I'll get you.
And then your real eye is gonna pop out!
[scoffs] The only thing that's gonna pop around here is your cherry, future slut.
[lounge music playing]
Sue, you're the best little sister a guy could ever want.
Frank, you better take good care of her...
[chuckles]
...or I'll give you the business!
[all chuckle]
Welcome to the family, Son.
- [all] Aw. - [scattered applause]
If you ever make my little girl cry,
I will tear your tongue out by the root!
You already said that at the altar, Stan.
[grumbling]
Jesus, Bob, he fucking hates me.
Of course he does. You knocked up his little girl.
Uh... He doesn't know that yet.
Ooh, then I have to rewrite my toast.
I rented a Baby Huey costume and everything.
I wanted to tell him, but Sue's terrified of the bastard. Uh, she's a wreck.
[grunting]
Stress-eating. So sad.
I only do it for the nourishment. [grunts]
I love eating at weddings.
When everyone hits the dance floor, so much food is left behind.
I think in my past life I may have been a seagull.
[grunts]
Oh God, that's good skin.
My dad beat me. This guy's gonna kill me. The fucking Koreans were nicer.
Don't forget, even if your real family goes tits up,
you'll always have me and your Mohican family.
[wood shatters]
This is my second funeral this week.
I just got shit-canned, Irv. You gotta get me a new gig.
They need any more sad Indians to cry about litter?
I... I can pretend to give a fuck.
Uh, this place won't be the same
without Rosie talking about how much he hates this place.
- [sign clattering] - Good for him, he took the buyout.
Now he can follow his heart and be a full-time alderman.
Not our totem poles! I talk to them when I'm high as balls!
Jesus, Red, calm down. We're gonna be okay.
- [groans] - We still have jobs.
We're working for a solid company, our checks won't bounce,
and we're done with that nine-chinned, hot-dog-eating fuck Pogo.
That's true. I feel better already.
Goodbye, old friend.
I'll never forget the wonderful times I spent dropping acid with you.
We never did acid. That was speed. You got any more of those fuckers?
This is a private conversation!
Thanks to Mayor Tangenti's record of corruption and neglect,
the Twelfth Ward Rec Center was just a place to score drugs.
But now, it's a place to score baskets!
And drugs.
But that's not till after the sun goes down.
[all cheering]
I'm so proud of you, Chauncey!
I'm not crying. It's just my organs shutting down.
Today, backboards.
Tomorrow, hot water above 198th Street!
[all cheering]
If it's hot water you want, it's hot water you're gonna get.
- I'm sorry, were you talking to me? - Shut up, Gary!
[lively banjo music playing]
Happy Rustland Heritage Day,
and welcome to the 18th century!
What is that strange yellow buckboard you rode up in?
It's a bus, dipshit.
On this day in November 1761,
the colonists of Fort Rustland were tucking into their midday meal
of salted mutton, salt crackers, and salt,
when they were set upon by hostile Indians.
Sioux? Sioux Indians?
The Shawnees! They launched a sneak attack!
Oh, look! Maureen and Bridget have yellow diarrhea!
- [all laugh] - [Amy] Need a diaper?
I'm gonna kick you in the box so hard that you'll never have a baby.
The bloodthirsty savages viciously stole several ears of corn
the whites had promised them.
Let's beat it. This shit is boring.
Yeah. The French and Indian War had a much lower casualty count
than later conflicts.
[grunts] Huh, well, if it isn't the Rustvale Rat.
Oh, you.
Look, it's that mouth-breathing pussy from Stoughton.
I didn't recognize you without my stick hanging out of your ass.
Oh, tough talk for a kid that's about to eat a mouthful of mitten!
- [grunts] - Ow.
- You fucker! - Bitch kick! [grunts]
- [groans] - No fighting.
I'll summon the constable.
It's 1974, idiot. They're called "pigs" now.
- [groans] - [Jimmy] Get him!
[boys panting]
Oh, fuck.
- Run! - [boy] Get 'em!
Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man.
What a day to break in new penny loafers!
[jazz music playing]
That was a lovely ceremony.
And your brother Louis is a looker.
Hmm. He's not your type.
Somebody has to be!
Yesterday I thought a man was giving me the eye,
but he just wanted to tell me I had lettuce stuck in my teeth.
My dad has been awful today.
He called Frank a shifty, potato-eating mick.
Well, he's not wrong.
Do you think maybe he knows about, you know, "the boom in your womb"?
If he did, I'd be a widow by now.
I'll tell my folks after we get back from the honeymoon.
Tell us what?
[ominous music playing]
There's my grandbaby!
I bought Megan happy paper from the pop-pop tree!
Aw, it's so good to see you.
- Thanks for coming. - Of course.
What's wrong? You made it seem so urgent on the phone.
Well, this is hard for me to say.
Um...
- Frank... - You're finally getting a divorce!
I knew it!
- Didn't I? - Yes, you did.
On the drive down, he pulled over to stop at a wishing well.
I'm not getting a divorce!
When Frank's dad died, they left so many things unsaid.
I just don't want that to happen to us.
Oh, Susan, aren't you darling?
[chuckles] We have no issues between us.
Daddy hates Frank!
You always have.
Not always.
Just since the first moment I laid eyes on the worthless bastard.
[kissing sounds]
I'm glad you're over your funk and feeling better.
Yeah, you like it when I'm not crying, don't ya?
[man] Alice? Alice, are you in there?
Oh no, it's my dad!
What's he doing home in the middle of the day?
Does he have cancer or something?
Peanut, listen, I... I'm so sorry to bother you,
but my pen ran out of ink.
Well, who do we have here?
- I wasn't doing anything! - Ah, you must be Kevin!
[chuckles] Dr. Erwin Goldman.
Alice says wonderful things about you.
- Dad, stop. - I... I still wasn't doing anything.
There's no need for pretense.
I was young once, back when the Dead Sea was just sick. [chuckles]
[chuckles nervously]
[Dr. Goldman] You both have healthy teenage urges,
but I think you're still a little young to be fully exploring your sexuality.
Perhaps we could go back to my office and have a group encounter about...
Oh, you're so embarrassing!
You left me in the middle of our session, Dr. G!
I was gonna make a breakthrough, but you blew it!
Anything I do from here on out is on you.
- Oh, who's this fucking dink? - Eat me.
Maybe I will.
Uh, wait in my office, Jeffrey. I'll be with you shortly.
Mmm.
Kevin, would you care to stay for dinner? I'm making coq au vin.
- Sure, I'm really good at eating dinner. - Splendid.
Now keep this door open, you two. [chuckles]
Oh my God, I'm gonna run away!
Fellas, my name is Ed.
I don't like to use the word "boss," so call me your new "friend in charge."
I know we were rivals in the past,
but if we all work together, Ala-Hican can be Ala-we-can.
Have an Ala-happy day.
See? Things are gonna be great. Ed's a marshmallow sandwich.
You don't want to know what that is on a porn set.
My name is Burke, and I am your boss.
And the first guy who wants to know whether Burke is my first or last name
can meet me in the parking lot.
You're not working for Mohican anymore.
This is a real airline.
That means you learn this,
front to back and back to front!
That ain't how I read, and that ain't how I wipe.
All right, calm down! He's a dick, but he's no Pogo.
Sorry. Go ahead, Burke.
You don't get to call me that.
You will refer to me as "president of ground operations."
Or POGO!
Oh, this guy can suck all the dicks!
Guys! Guys, come on!
All right, give me a sec, I'll... I'll bring them back.
[sighs] POGO.
Fuck this place.
Oh, man, that made me feel good.
And angry! And sleepy. And paranoid!
Guys, you can't just walk out in the middle of a...
What the fuck is this place?
We can't work with these assholes.
Look at these fucking rules!
Shirts must be tucked in? Smile at customers?
What's next? We can't fart in a jar and put it on a plane to Honolulu?
- How long has this place been here? - We're gonna take the buyout.
Then we'll become full-time pornographers in the city of dreams,
Chatsworth, California.
Come on. You can't quit. We've been through a lot together.
We have a history.
Fuck history.
Hey, that's our next porno.
Tits-topher Columbutt and Napoleon Legs-apart
tag-team Mary, Queen of Cocks!
It's educational, and you can empty your balls to it.
Guys, no, you can't leave!
Frank, calm down.
I'm glad you want to us to stay,
but we weren't super dedicated to our jobs.
Matter of fact, without the union, we'd probably be in jail.
[sighs]
I've had a rough few days. Look, give me a chance to talk to Ed.
He's a pushover. I'll make everything okay.
All right, but if it don't work out, come with us to Chatsworth.
You could make a killing as a stunt ass!
- Dad, I want you and Frank to make up. - Ha.
And I want you to do it at our house on Thanksgiving.
I'd rather kiss Tojo on Pearl Harbor Day.
Dad, this has to stop.
There's so much ill will between you and Frank, and I'm stuck in the middle.
I just can't understand what would make you attracted to someone
with that level of anger.
But fine.
If it'll make you happy, we'll come to Thanksgiving.
- I can be reasonable. - Great.
- And I want to invite Louis. - Never in a million lifetimes!
He's gay, but he's your only son.
- You two used to be so close. - [imitates buzzer]
- Dad, you were inseparable. - [imitates buzzer]
Oh, Stan, not the buzzer thing.
Remember how you'd do the Charlie Chaplin walk together?
[imitates buzzer]
Louis is your flesh and blood.
You banished him from our family, and you've got to fix this.
Me? This is on you.
It is not!
Sweetie, I talk to Louis every few years.
He definitely blames you.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!
After the Indians' cowardly sneak attack,
the white settlers planned a brave sneak attack in return.
Over here, I smell them!
The redheaded kid has shit-breath.
They're all redheads.
That's fucking weird, man.
They want to kill us.
Guys, it's time to use the bully's secret weapon,
being a pussy.
We just got to find a grown-up to hide behind.
What about that sad lady with the man's haircut?
Oh, what cologne are you wearing?
I made in my pants.
Oh, you wanna make in my pants?
No, thank you, Cap'n. [retches]
Oh, I almost had him.
I'd rather get my ass kicked.
Why'd you have to spear that kid in the gooch?
I didn't know he'd hold a grudge!
[Western movie music playing]
- Shit! We can't get to Amy. - Yes, we can.
I saw this super funny movie with my dad for my birthday last year.
It was about this badass red-haired girl with special powers.
Oh, yeah. Pippi Longstocking.
No, The Exorcist.
[groans]
We can consign Amy to hell with your evil eye.
[eerie music playing]
[folk music playing on tape]
Ed, you got a minute?
For you, Frank, I have two. I was just listening to Harmo-Nation.
You mean those creepy weirdos who played the Super Bowl Halftime Show?
I was a Harmo for ten years.
Oh, they're great.
Dead-eyed kids marching with banjos.
I mean... [laughing nervously]...that's good stuff.
Do you mind if I eat while we talk?
[slurping]
All right, listen, Ed. Your guy's coming down too hard on my crew.
You know, we had our own way of doing stuff that worked good for us,
and we... we want to keep doing things the Mohican way.
You understand.
No, I don't.
Okay, well, if.. if I say it slower?
We had our way...
Frank, the "Mohican way" is why we own you now.
Look at this place.
Your time clock doesn't have a minute hand and still thinks it's 1961.
We're efficient.
You were inefficient
to the tune of two million dollars in lost luggage make-goods last year.
Now, now, now, in our defense, half of that was Lassie.
And we didn't lose her. She just froze.
So, no, Frank. You fellas have to do what we say.
And I'll need you to come in for extra unpaid training this weekend.
Ah, my stars, a carrot's just a piece of candy grown by Mother Earth herself.
Ed, you can't treat us like this. Okay? We're half of this company.
Carl and Red are ready to bolt, and I will walk out that door with them.
Pardon my combative language, Frank, but do you really mean that?
Oh, I am as serious as crotch-rot in July. This is no bluff.
I want the same buyout Rosie got, one week for every year.
And I have been here for 20 years.
That's right, you were... the first time.
What?
You were fired last Christmas, and then you got rehired in April.
So, you've only really been here for six-and-a-half months.
Here's your buyout. Do you have change for a 50?
Oh my God.
Robert, you are now the proprietor of one failed family pizza parlor
slash robot-bear titty establishment.
Good to have you on my side this time
instead of threatening to bury a piece of me
under every stadium in America.
Ah, yes, that was a good threat.
This is the beginning of a profitable friendship.
It'll be 200 a month for rent and 800 a month for protection.
Oh, glorious day!
I'm the happiest boy in the world!
[moaning]
[upbeat music playing]
[slurping]
[Western movie music playing]
[inhales sharply] I got her fucking spit.
Now we can begin the haunting.
[eerie music playing]
[Bridget and Maureen] Evil meets evil. Drag Amy down south.
Make that bum take a shit in her mouth.
[Phillip gasps] They have bricks.
How ever shall we get to the safe haven of our bus?
Is this how scared you felt around me? [gasps]
That is so cool.
Guys, look at this.
[tour guide] They were outnumbered and faced impossible odds,
but the heroic white pioneers
used nothing but their wits... and guns to conquer the malnourished savages.
I just got an idea.
- [grunts] - Ah.
- Ow, fuck, my breastbone! - Run!
Whoa!
[panting]
[boy] You're dead!
Oh, shit! Open the door!
- Don't go to the angels, Papa! Let us in! - [snoring]
- [Bill] Open up! - [Jimmy] Open the door!
- [Phillip screams] - Ah! No, Father Brown!
Ah!
[all grunting]
Hey! Hey, cut it out!
Somebody shoot the bus!
- [donkey brays] - [both] Evil meets evil!
Ah! [grunts]
- Ugh. - Holy shit!
The evil eye worked!
Eh, can't breathe.
Somebody phone an ambulance!
Oh, now you know what it's called!
What the hell is going on here?
He threw a plaque at us!
- He started it! - That's enough!
Okay, what are your names?
Bill Murphy.
Jimmy Fitzsimmons. [grunts]
Don't you lie to me, boy!
But that's my name! It's Jimmy Fitzsimmons! [grunts]
I said don't lie!
[Phillip] Ah!
Die, die, die!
[grunts]
♪ Hot cross buns Hot cross buns ♪
I wanted to tell you, Daddy, but I was too afraid of what you'd do.
You were right.
I'll kill that dirty-fingernailed Romeo who assaulted my baby!
He didn't assault me, and I am not a baby!
I'm 21. I can drink and vote,
and now that I'm married, I can apply for a credit card.
It better have a high limit, because you'll never get another penny out of me!
[sobbing] No, Daddy, please!
Hey, Sis, it's time to cut the cake and... Is everything all right?
Your sister rushed into this marriage because she's going to have a baby.
Oh, Sue, no. It can't be.
Oh, it be!
That grease monkey sullied her.
And in a Ford no less!
You're no longer a part of this family!
Daddy, how could you say that?
You lied to me!
I can't imagine a bigger disappointment in my life.
Oh, yeah? Well, Louis is a fruitcake!
Uh...
You're a what cake?
[Sue] I will never forgive myself for what I did to Louis that night.
And I know he hates me because of it.
But you have been just as terrible to him.
How can that be?
Your father hasn't spoken to Louis in seven years.
Daddy, he's your son! Have a heart!
Why? So he can break it again?
If you can't accept him, then I don't want you in my life.
- Fine with me! - Stanley Burl Chilson!
You've already lost a son.
You want to go for a daughter now?
For Pete's sake, not you too.
Darling, I always take your side,
but I don't want to spend my golden years with just you,
reliving the time you got a hole in one at Baltusrol.
It was a miracle!
They comped my appetizers!
I just want my family back together.
Now, that's not fair.
You know I can't stand to see you cry, which is maybe why you're doing it now.
[sobbing] It's not why I'm doing it now!
Okay. Okay, angel.
Please stop crying.
We'll come to Thanksgiving.
Thank you.
And I'll be cordial with my so-called son.
But I get to tell that hole in one story, and you better not roll your eyes!
[praying in Hebrew]
[the Goldmans] ♪ Amen ♪
Hail Satan.
Kevin, we like to start our dinners off
by sharing an amusing anecdote about our day. I'll start.
[chuckles] I was with a patient earlier.
Sort of an odd-shaped man, looks a bit like a giant thumb.
He compulsively defecates in the woods,
and it all traces back
to a horrible incident in his childhood when...
- [doorbell chimes] - Ooh.
I'm afraid that means I have a patient waiting. Emergency session.
But I'll be back in 48 minutes for our Monday night hootenanny.
- I love singing! - Dad!
Your mother informed me you had an incident today.
Why don't you tell me what happened?
My brain went to the Red Place.
Rustland City Mayor Anthony Tangenti announced a change in plans
for the new elevated tollway between Whitesboro and Pinkton Heights
late this afternoon.
Mommy did good today, sweetie.
She didn't smoke.
And our family is gonna be in great shape soon.
[police siren blares]
[groans]
Fuck.
The Joseph Valachi Tollway was slated to go through Little Ireland,
but we found that running it through the Twelfth Ward
was only gonna displace a few, uh,
undesirables.
The way these people live, bulldozing their house is a step up.
- Fuck that fucking motherfucker. - [Georgia] What was that, baby?
I said, "Fuck that fucking motherfucker!"
[Georgia] Just making sure you're all right.
♪ Woke up this morning feeling fine ♪
♪ There's something special on my mind ♪
- [no sound from Frank] - [both] ♪ Last night I met a new girl ♪
♪ In the neighborhood ♪
[Kevin] ♪ Oh yeah ♪
[both] ♪ Something tells me I'm into something good ♪
[Dr. Goldman] ♪ Something tells me I'm into something good ♪
[both] ♪ Something tells me I'm into something good ♪
- ♪ Something good ♪ - ♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Oh yeah, something ♪
♪ Something tells me I'm into something good ♪
- ♪ Oh yeah ♪ - [Dr. Goldman] ♪ Oh yeah ♪
♪ Something tells me I'm into something good ♪
[Kevin] Guitar solo!
[bluesy guitar solo playing]
[Dr. Goldman] You're quite the picker, Kevin.
[Kevin] Oh, you're not too bad yourself.
[Dr. Goldman] You know, I once sat in with one of the Kingston Trio.
- I think it was the main one too. - [Kevin] Whoa! Seriously?
I don't know who that is, but that is cool.
- [Dr. Goldman] Alice, join us. - [Alice] Oh, you're so embarrassing.
- [whirring] - [gunshot]
[Ginny] Sioux? Sioux Indians?