Yes. It's... it's terrible. No excuse.
No. We didn't try to raise our kids like that.
Oh, I promise you, there will be hell to pay.
Thank you.
Any of you little shits want to guess who that was?
The cemetery?
Guess again.
President of Israel?
A wrong number?
Ow!
It was the mother of a nine-year-old
who wanted to know why I had a giant wing-wang projected on my face!
Oh man, I missed the one thing that might've cheered me up.
They were doing it in Dad's office.
A wing-wang.
That's enough of your shit!
- Sorry, Mama. - Okay.
The fuck was that?
Why are you frightened of her?
I'm the one that yells all the time about every little thing!
All three of you kids are heading down the wrong path,
but we are straightening you out today.
Maureen, you and your evil eye are coming with me.
Bill, your ass is mine.
Who's gonna straighten me out? The dog?
Yeah, you wish.
Get in my candy wagon. We're going to hell!
Dad, no, please. This guy scares me.
You don't think you scare me, you long-haired witchy motherfucker?
Get in!
You going to have to run like a hobo catching a train,
'cause my brakes are leaking worse than my dick.
Why'd you let me go to New Orleans, Frank Murphy?
♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
Hurry up! All my Kit Kats is melting into Shit Kats!
Let's go, Captain Skin Flick.
Where are we going?
I'm taking you to church.
Father Pat is going to talk with you about your dangerous obsession
with spookiness and the occult.
Asmodeus, prince of demons, save me from...
No more demons!
- Daddy's okay with this? - You better believe it.
But he says church is 58 minutes of BS and two minutes of shakedown.
That was before his daughter started running around graveyards
trying to raise the dead.
What you did was bad,
and Father Pat is gonna have a very serious talk with you.
♪ Hey! His name is Jesus ♪
♪ And when we sneezus ♪
♪ We say God bless you ♪
♪ So the devil won't get you ♪
Now, The Beatles said they were bigger than Jesus,
and so God punished them with Yoko Ono.
♪ Hey! This God Will drown you in the sea! ♪
Everybody!
Thanks for taking the time with Maureen.
There is nothing I love more
than talking about our Lord with young people.
That and fried calamari.
Oh, but only the rings. Not those wiggly parts.
I'll be out in the pews.
You, listen.
Now, Maureen.
I was very upset when your mom told me what you did at the cemetery last night.
Witchcraft is a sin, and witches are evil.
God tells us that
by putting warts on their noses and cursing them with the power of flight.
You understand?
I guess.
This is the Christmas season.
Your thoughts should be of the Baby Jesus,
who came to Earth to save us from sin by dying on the cross.
So, um, Christmas is about death?
No, that's Easter.
Actually, that's about torture and murder,
which is why we add the bunny and the chocolate eggs.
It takes the edge off.
And we remember Jesus's sacrifice on the cross
by consuming his body and blood in Holy Communion.
You drink blood?
Oh, that's just wine that we get at a discount.
It's not really blood.
Yes, it is!
Well, not really.
At every mass, you say it's the blood of Christ!
It's a metaphor, numbnuts!
Wine becomes the blood of Christ through transubstantiation!
That doesn't make sense.
It's not supposed to make sense. It's religion!
You have to trust what the priest says!
Like when Father Brown told me he was just adjusting my robes every Sunday.
Uh, Father Brown has been transferred to Albuquerque.
We felt, in a less populated state, it might help curb some of his cravings.
So, Maureen, let's get back to the miracle of Jesus' birth.
Are we just gonna blow past the fact that it's not really Christ's blood?
That's one of the foundations of our church!
Like how Jesus was born
by the Immaculate Conception of Mary Magdalene.
You mean just Mary.
That's what I said, Mary Magdalene.
No! Jesus's mom was Virgin Mary.
Mary Magdalene could get dicked down whenever she wanted. Right, Father?
Well, minus the salty language, yes.
But the Immaculate Conception is about Mary being born without sin,
not conceiving Jesus through the Holy Spirit
while remaining a virgin.
Well, where in the sam hill does it say that?
Oh, it's simple!
God is the father of us all.
So he's Mary's father, and he's also the father of Jesus.
And Jesus is part of the Holy Trinity,
which means that he's God and God's son!
So Jesus had sex with himself?
Nobody fornicated with anybody!
God impregnated Mary, spiritually, and he's also her father.
And her son, Jesus, is also her father and his own father.
That sounds like the plot of Chinatown.
It is not Chinatown. It is beautiful!
Pull your dress down!
The important thing is, however it happened,
Jesus was born our savior on Christmas Day.
I read that he was actually born in April.
- You shut your mouth! - He was not!
Devil child!
I didn't even want to come here!
My mom made me!
And I just thought, if I could talk to my grandpa's ghost,
my daddy would be happy, and I wouldn't have to be co-princess anymore.
I don't want to be Marty Allen!
There, there. Neither does Marty Allen.
Oh, sweetheart.
Father Pat, what happened in here?
Oh, I'll tell you what happened.
The Catholic Church, as always,
is being raked over the coals for hypocrisy.
And yet, no one questions the moon landing
'cause it was Jack's dream and it was Camelot.
And meanwhile, that weak-backed bastard
was banging every whore he could find in the fucking pool,
and nobody questions that!
Oh, who gives a shit?
I'm going for a walk.
I feel better, Mommy. Can we go home now?
I don't think we can stay here.
Hurry up!
No more demons!
Let's go, Captain Skin Flick.
It was an accident. I didn't know it was a dirty movie.
Well, how long did that guy have to have sex with that hole in the wall
before you figured it out?
Oh, I'm gonna give those cop friends of yours a piece of my mind
for making you a delinquent.
You were their responsibility, and they failed.
When a man has a job to do, he does it, or he's not a man.
What the fuck are these?
My papers. I have to deliver them. That's my job.
Shit!
Extra, extra, read all about it!
"Family Man Who Never Gets a Break's Unlucky Streak Continues"!
♪ Don't make me angry! ♪
♪ You won't like me when I'm angry! ♪
♪ Don't make me angry! ♪
♪ You won't like me when I'm angry! ♪
♪ Buzz off! ♪
Dad, I will pay you money not to embarrass me in front of the cops.
Ha! Money from what? The job I just did for you?
You did it all wrong! You missed like 20 houses on my route!
Oh, too bad they're not gonna get to read "Marmaduke" today?
I'll catch them up to speed.
He jumps in the bathtub and makes a big mess!
I'll tell you right now, he'd be the first fucking dog I'd put down
if I ran the cartoon pound!
Him and that smart-ass Snoopy.
Thinking he's better than me because he made it as a pilot!
You can't fly a doghouse, you fucking idiot!
All right, let's go in.
Are you the two mental midgets who corrupted my kid?
We all know about the dirty movie. Your wife won't shut up about it.
Ah, Christ. She's not my wife.
Frank, I'm so glad I have you here for backup.
Phillip, cover your ears.
My son saw awful things! Things that only Anthony talks about!
Eat that nasty pussy!
We said we wouldn't say that anymore, honeybunch.
- Sister want a big dick! - Have a jawbreaker!
Okay, I think we settled this. Thanks for coming in, and Merry Christmas.
Oh, we have settled nothing!
I left my son in your care, and you gave him a dirty movie.
Phillip got the movie. I got a pimp hat.
I don't care what you... Pimp hat?
- With a bullet hole. - Whatever!
The bottom line is you failed these boys. What are you gonna do about it?
Well, I... I am doing something about it.
I'm... I'm yelling at you 'cause... 'cause you didn't do your job.
Your job was to make sure your kid turned out right and followed the law.
Clearly, you failed at that,
or he wouldn't have got arrested and been sent to us.
You're his father. Act like it for Chrissake.
You are done with those cops. You are never going back there.
Okay.
- So, can we go home now? - That's what we're doing.
Then why did we just drive past our street again?
Well, none of this would've happened
if you were watching the kids and not hanging out at Vic's.
What is it about being in this house that makes you want to leave so much?
- Because I'll tell you, Sue... - ...it's a mystery to me!
You're the one who disappeared so you could drive around town
trying to find where some stupid key fits.
It's not stupid.
It's an inanimate object, and it happens to mean a lot to me.
And for your own edification, I didn't find where it goes.
- I'm done with that. - Good.
First thing tomorrow, I'm taking Bill back down to the station
to give those cops a piece of my mind.
And then I think it's high time you gave Bill the sex talk.
Uh, well, I don't know if that's necessary.
Frank! That movie he saw tonight could scar him for life.
He needs to know that is not what sex is really about.
Does he?
I don't know why you're making such a big deal about it.
Just tell him what you told Kevin.
Yeah, uh, the words I said...
You never told Kevin about the birds and the bees?
I was too busy putting a roof over his head, Susan!
Ah, Christ. I don't know what to say.
It can't be that hard. How did your father tell you?
Women are the devil, don't ever touch yourself,
and now quit bugging me and hand me that fucking monkey wrench
before I hit you with it.
That's healthy.
This is your responsibility. You're his father.
- And I'm a damn good father! - So don't let him down.
- Dad, are you having a heart attack? - I wish.
Christ. Here we go.
Ah.
So...
Uh...
There's something I wanted to talk to you about, Bill.
William.
Remember a few years back
when you asked me what those dogs were doing,
and I said one was giving the other a piggyback ride?
No.
Okay, uh, how about when we went downtown
and you saw those two hippies "wrestling" in the park?
What are you talking about?
Okay, look.
When people grow up...
...their... their... their body wants to do some things.
Like... like the way it wants to eat.
You know, and there's nothing wrong with being hungry.
It's completely natural for your body to tell you it wants to eat.
And as you get older,
you know, you're going to want to eat a lot and at different times.
You know, uh, in the shower,
when you wake up sleeping on your stomach,
when you see a billboard for suntan lotion.
- Uh, I'm not hungry. - The hunger's just a metaphor!
- A metaphor for what? - I don't know anymore!
Look, just give me a minute, will you?
The vagina is, uh... is... No. Uh...
Uh, uh, a woman's tulip is... is... is...
Don't worry if you can't find it. No guy's ever found it.
Christ, it's... it's buried in there.
Do you get it?
A guy thing in a girl place at the same time.
And eventually, you see... you see that little opening on the straw?
Ah, Christ, just... just take your dick out and figure it out!
Dad, it's okay. You don't have to do this.
Yes, I do. I'm your father and...
No, really. I know this is making you nervous.
You don't have to tell me all this stuff. I already know it.
No, you don't.
That movie is not what real people do. Real people do what this straw and lid do.
- No, I know that. - How do you know?
I just know, okay?
I've seen people doing it. Up close.
- The hell are you talking about? - Nothing!
Nah, don't "nothing" me! Come on, out with it!
- Ah, just forget about it! - Tell me!
That night last year when I puked all over the table?
I puked because I was hiding under the bed when you and Mom were...
No!
Oh, Jesus Christ! No!
I don't care what you do for the rest of your life
as long as you never speak a word of this to your mother.
Okay? That woman's already half dead from you kids.
And this... this would put her in the ground, you hear me?
Okay.
Can I still be a cop?
Only if you promise to arrest me and put me on death row.
Hurry up! All my Kit Kats is melting into Shit Kats.
Smokey, remember I met you in September when...
You will call me Black God.
Yes, Black God.
And I shall call you Larry.
So, where's Nuber?
Oh, you mean Larry?
Yeah, he decided to leave old Smokey and go back to school
where they filling his head with all that book knowledge.
Libraries are for washing your socks in the sink!
So what's this I hear about you spending all your time
crying over some mediocre white woman?
Her name's Alice, and...
Shut the fuck up! That was rhetorical, motherfucker!
You Murphys always coming to me with your bullshit problem.
"My daddy died and left me a mystery key."
"Some girl dumped my ass."
"Amy got the lead role in the school play."
You don't know jack shit about real problems!
As of this morning, I got $14 to my name, in change.
Got a cricket living in my ear, and I'm about to lose my foot.
Not 'cause of diabetes. 'Cause of gambling.
Joke's on them though. It's been dead for years,
'cause of diabetes.
So don't talk to me about your fucking problems! That clear?
Yes, Black God.
You got too much time on your hands to be thinking about all your shit.
That ends today.
Now, over the next nine hours and one unpaid pee stop,
I will break you.
When you're loading 10,000 stale gumballs,
you won't have time to be thinking about no girl!
I don't know. She was the most perfect girl ever.
She made me feel happy. She liked my vest.
She inspired my greatest music ever.
I wrote a song about it.
♪ Alice, there's a thousand reasons why ♪
♪ I'll never get over you ♪
♪ One, hair ♪
♪ Two, face ♪
♪ Three, boobies ♪
♪ Four, nipples ♪
How'd it go?
Don't ask. You?
Same.
♪ Five hundred and fourteen Your elbow-pits ♪
♪ Five hundred and fifteen... ♪
Kevin, I'm so sorry!
This world ain't nothing but pain!
No one should have to suffer this life!
And here I am making more babies!
I'm a monster!
He's a good listener.
Jesus Christ, who knew being there for your kids could be so exhausting?
I don't know what to do, Frank. I... What are you doing?
- Nothing. Just, uh, the bed. - What about it?
It's... saggy. Maybe we should stuff some luggage under here.
Barbed wire, a bear trap. Something to take up all the space.
- Are you okay? - No, I'm not.
Fucking kids are doing me in.
- Frank, they're becoming people. - Yeah, and I don't like it.
- So, what do we do now? - We could both start drinking more.
Seriously, Frank. I am at my wit's end. What do we do?
I don't know.
Christ, we've given them to the church, the police, a screaming Black guy.
I mean, we've done everything we could.
We could do something... nice?
- They'll think they got away with it. - Frank. They did.
Aw, shit.
Fucking bowling.
Not bad.
Okay, let's see how everyone did.
Sue, you got a 142.
Dad, a solid 228. Thank you very much.
Bill, 60. Maureen, 61.
Kevin,
zero.
Hey, you tied with Grandpa Bill, and he's dead.
I've seen blind people with no arms do better.
Yeah, well, they're not emotionally suffering like I am!
- Ooh! - Oh, Alice!
- Kevin doesn't have a girlfriend! - Please touch my wing-wang.
Shut up!
Okay, okay, leave Kevin alone, you two. He's in pain, all right?
And you're his fucking family, so act like it!
All right, time for a new game! Lead us off, Maureen!
Can I go play in the game room instead?
Me too? They have that cool new video game.
Fine. Here.
Glad I shelled out a buck-fifty renting you shoes to wear in the arcade.
I'll go with them to make sure they don't break any more laws.
All right!
- Thanks for sticking up for me back there. - I'm your father.
Yeah, well, thanks. Do I still have to bowl?
Yep. Now let's see if we can beat your high score of zero.
Uh, you need to take the condoms out of the machine?
Uh, yeah, might be something wrong with them, for some reason.
Hey! You buy any of them rubbers in there?
Give them back! You don't want them!
- Do I hear a cricket? - That's all I hear!
- Does that count for anything? - You just lost me a hundred bucks!
Sorry, buddy! First-time bowler, long-time idiot.
Won't happen again.
Pfft, thanks a lot.
I just saved your life.
You need a heavier ball. Hang on.
Use this one. Bet it's got a strike in it.
This ball, it actually came from, uh...
Yeah, that rack. There's a shitload of them.
Hey, I got one! I got the little one in the corner! The pinky pin!
Yeah, you did! Way to go, buddy.
Knocking just one over is probably harder than knocking them all over, right, Dad?
Well, sure.
- What is the point of this game? - You make dots.
- It's amazing! - Shh! I'm trying to concentrate!
I got a free dot!
Whoa, she's making so many dots!
The future is a fucking miracle, I tell you.
My kid's going to eat that up.
I guess it's pretty good when you get them all down.
Yeah. Who says you're not good at math?
- What? - Nothing. Nothing.
Listen, uh... So, how you doing? How's Kevin?
Dad. Every time we try to have a talk like this,
we just end up getting in a fight.
I know we do. But that's just because we're so similar.
I know, it sucks!
Look, I turned out screwed up because my dad screwed me up,
but I don't want you to be screwed up.
Wow. You never said anything like that before.
I know. When you're a dad, you don't want to admit that you're human.
I mean...
I mean, I know you kids see me as some sort of superman.
- Villain. - What?
Nothing.
I don't want us to be the way I was with my dad
and then let years go by before it's too late to make it better.
So, that's why I want to check in with you every once in a while.
I know you're pretty torn up about Alice.
Eh, only when I think about her.
And, well, any other time really.
It's not gonna be easy getting over her.
No, I... I... I see that.
And I'm sorry I didn't understand that at first.
I guess I just thought it was puppy love.
Dad, what me and Alice had was grown-dog love!
I know. I know.
I... I mean, we were doing stuff that would make a puppy explode.
I got it. I got it.
Kevin, this may surprise you,
but you're not the first person in the world to feel this way.
When I was your age, I was so in love with this beautiful blond.
Even though I was so crazy about her, she dumped me.
Mom dumped you?
Nah, I'm not talking about Mom. This was Phyllis Hibberman.
Ew, you had a girlfriend before Mom?
Uh-huh.
- Was she cute? - Oh, she was gorgeous.
All-hands-on-deck.
Hoo-hoo. Ah-oo-gah.
Well, not as gorgeous as your mom. But yeah.
Anyway, after she broke up with me, boy, I was a wreck.
I thought I was gonna die without her.
I tried everything to get her back, but she started dating Jack Draski.
And they got married and moved to Rhode Island.
But, after a while, I got over it.
And then I met your mom. Take that, Phyllis.
And you and Mom have been together ever since, huh?
Nah, we were on and off for a while.
Had a real big fight back in '58.
It's about me applying to flight school before she was finished with college.
Broke up for a bit.
But we took our time to cool off.
And then we got back together, and it was better than before
because we knew we were meant for each other.
Then what happened?
Well, you happened.
And the rest, as they say, is history.
So I should stop chasing Alice around and play it cool,
and if we're meant to be, it'll be.
Yeah. And if you're not, you won't, and you'll be okay.
So try not to worry.
And don't tell your mom about Phyllis Hibberman. She's her cousin.
I could've been a stereo salesman, living in Miami,
uh, shirt unbuttoned to my navel, drinking mojitos,
banging Cuban refugees every night.
But no. I had to make my mom happy and be a man of God.
Oh, hi, Maureen.
Hi, Father Pat. Are priests allowed to drink?
It's the only thing we're allowed to do.
You gotta have faith that things are gonna be okay, right?
I mean, you have to.
You're right. I do.
- Do you still have your faith? - No.
Aw.
But you're a nice man, and I don't want you to be sad.
- There's people who need you. - Like Cuban women in Miami?
Sure.
Amen.
Can I get a whiskey double, please? One ice cube.
Keep your fingers out of the glass this time?
I got you!
Your taillight's broken, dirtbag!
Look at those kids of ours. They're okay.
Yeah. They're not screwups. They just screwed up.
All they needed was a little family time.
Yeah. For all that parenting we did today,
who knew the answer would be in a bowling alley?
Since it was my idea, I did.
Speaking of family time, I think I want to invite my mom and sister for Christmas.
Wow, you really are drunk.
I know.
I know. They're the worst!
And I want to invite Louis!
Yeah, yeah! Let's pile it on!
- But not your fucking father. - I'm drunk, not concussed.
Oh, it'll be fun, as long as we keep that eggnog flowing.
Speaking of flowing...
♪ Time to pee for me Ol' Frankie, he's got to pee ♪
Ah, shit.
What are you doing, Frankie boy?
No. Walk away.
Okay, last one, I promise.
But there's no way it'll fit.
Ah, shit.
Goddamn it. There's nothing in there, Frank.
It's just gonna be empty, you fucking loser.
Oh my God.
Holy shit, there's so much here!
I found you, you son of a bitch.
Daddy, I got high score! Come see!
Don't bother me, honey. Daddy's having family time.