Back in the '80s, nothing warmed your heart
on a cold day like winter sports.
And each snowy season,
my family would take to the slopes...
and by slopes, I mean our lumpy couch
where we'd watch 'em on TV.
Who was the first guy who thought bobsledding
was a good idea?
"Let's get in this tube
and fall down a mountain with three other dopes."
Tightly packed in a cocoon of my schmoos
huddled together for warmth.
Ooh, I call center bob!
I'm all about speed skating.
Actually, I do a little at home.
After Geoff waxes our floors,
I speed skate to the fridge in my socks.
Seeing my love barrel into our Frigidaire for some OJ
makes all that back-breaking waxing worth it.
Stay tuned for opening day
of the ice dancing competition.
Only on ABC!
I need to, uh, go do some laundry downstairs...
where I do laundry...
downstairs.
Okay, well, set it to the "nobody cares" cycle.
I too need to abruptly leave.
Just randomly going our separate ways.
A commonplace everyday exit
none of you should examine further.
None of them suspect a thing.
- I'm tingling in anticipation! - Positions!
Yep, they were obsessed with
British ice dancing superstars Torvill and Dean.
Such a harrowing and dangerous sport.
They're basically spinning around
with 10-inch butcher knives on their feet!
Barry, look at me.
You don't have to pretend the danger is why you love this.
Be open and free with Mama.
Dammit, you're right.
It's the grace, the elegance.
The way the light shines off their costumes
as they're spinning around like human disco balls.
I know.
I just don't think my friends or our family
would understand my appreciation for "the gorgeous game."
Oh, for sure.
And they'll forever judge you if they find out.
But don't worry.
Mama will take your secret to the grave,
in our double coffin, where our skeletons will hold hands.
No. Double coffin? What if we don't die together?
Oh, we will.
You know, I have always wished that you and I
could take to the ice together.
You know, the very first ever mother-son ice dancing duo.
Like Torvill and Dean?
But Goldberg and Goldberg!
I love that you feel comfortable telling me this,
but that will never, never, never, never, never, never...
Catch Mama in a classic Lutz!
No, not ready!
♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪
♪ But nonetheless, I feel the need to say ♪
Subs by kinglouisxx for www.addic7ed.com
♪ I don't know the future ♪
♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪
It was January 19th, 1980-something,
and I'd just gotten back from an epic college orientation.
There he is. How was the big weekend?
I loved every moment!
And I'm basically already an NYU legend.
That sounds way wrong, but spare no detail.
Let's just say I had quite a few tiny servings of Jell-o,
which at first I thought was the after-school treat
we all love, but guess what?
- There was alcohol in it? - So you're aware!
There I was mowing down all the yummiest flavors.
Grape, lime, wild cherry.
The whole time, I'm thinking I had a sweet tooth,
but turns out... I'm a wild man!
I sipped my aunt's Long Island iced tea once,
so... been there.
Best part was, it was packed with
so many bright-eyed incoming film students,
it was like a roomful of me's.
That doesn't sound exhausting.
They kept passing around my camera,
everyone filming with their own flair,
their own panache, their own joie de vivre.
What fun new words!
And not at all an obnoxious peek
at what freshman you will be like.
I've got the footage right here.
Let's see the Jell-o Fellow in action!
Ha! The Ed Grimley dance! Timely and timeless!
"I fart in your general direction!"
My "Holy Grail" material killed.
NYU, NYU, NYU...
And then we saw something that would alter
the course of my life as I knew it.
- Aah! - Oh, balls!
I don't remember this!
That's definitely you kissing a girl
that isn't your girlfriend.
That can't be right. Maybe it's for a scene?
That just happened! And it wasn't for a scene!
What am I gonna do?! This'll ruin everything!
It's clear what the right thing to do is.
- You have to tell Brea. - Nothing! You tell Brea nothing.
- Wait, what? - You said it yourself, Adam.
You don't even remember this.
I really don't.
If this tape didn't exist,
none of us would even know about this.
If it were the 1880s instead of the 1980s,
you'd just be back at the homestead clearing brush.
The tape does exist, and at no point in history
would Adam ever be clearing anything.
Sweet angel of deceit!
Now Brea doesn't get hurt, you don't hurt. No hurt.
- So much hurt! - You've convinced me.
What other choice do I have?
A very obvious other choice!
And so, I followed my wise older sister's advice
and acted like nothing had happened,
which was harder than I thought.
Today we will be discussing
"The Tell-Tale Heart,"
the story of a man whose guilt over a lie
leads to his insanity.
- Ah, no. - You okay?
Yeah, what are you, some kind of liar
who keeps hearing a beating heart?
What? No!
Just some "Tell-Tale Heart" humor.
I thought you read the story, or were you lying?
Bum-bum, bum-bum, bum-bum.
FYI... I've had three heart attacks,
so if you see me clutch my chest again, you call a nurse.
Even at home, my deception haunted me.
Hoo-hoo! Even with a wonky eye,
Columbo can spot a liar a mile away.
Maybe the murderer is lying to protect someone's feelings.
I was talking to the TV. Please don't interrupt us.
Hey! Off to my weekend at Brown. I'm gonna miss you.
Please have so much fun
that you don't even think about me.
Wow. That's surprisingly mature of you.
Yep, I'm super mature. I'm basically an old man.
I'm George Burns over here.
"Oh, God!", "Oh, God! Book II," "Oh, God! You Devil."
All the vaguely comedic greats.
Odd tangent, but honestly,
I'm too excited about my trip to question it.
Funny you should mention honesty because I'm a big fan.
Okay. See ya Monday.
I know you did it.
I did! I'm guilty!
I'm so, so guilty!
You kicked the plug out of the wall, you moron.
Oh. That?
Yes. I'm sorry you had to stand.
Do better.
While I lived in fear that my lie would get out,
Joanne was about to discover that Barry
had a secret of his own.
Hey, babe, can you grab me a...
Another Hostess Pudding Pie?
I know what my guy likes.
- But maybe she didn't. - Hmm.
'Cause in that moment, something caught Joanne's eye.
Intriguing.
Something scandalous.
That's curious.
Something so shameful that if uncovered,
it would ruin him.
Barry, are you super into those British
ice dancing sensations, Torvill and Dean?
Of course not. I only like manly things.
"T & D" is for trucks and dogs.
Testosterone and donuts.
Tom and Doug. You know, boys' names.
So she tried a different tactic.
Phew, well, that's a relief,
because Torvill and Dean are overrated garbage.
You shut your gorgeous, filthy mouth.
They're ice dancing gods.
I knew it. You love them!
Dammit! It's true.
And I understand that you have to pack up and leave me.
I will forever miss your face, hair, and bottom.
You think I would break up with you over this?
But it's the opposite of the me that
you and the world have fallen in love with.
You should be proud of all sides of your hot, bonkers self.
- Really? - Really.
Okay then.
- I love ice dancing. - You don't need to mumble it.
Say it loud, say it proud.
I love ice dancing.
More. Make it uncomfortable.
- I love ice dancing! - There you go!
Oh, my God.
- Yeah. - That feels so good!
- Joanne. - Hmm?
You lifted a great weight from my super-jacked shoulders.
I love ice dancing!
While Joanne helped Barry live his truth,
I was still living with the weight of my own lie.
Until this.
- I kissed someone at Brown! - Oh, my God!
We were doing karaoke, and... and I got caught up
in the moment and...
and the song ended, and he kissed me.
Sweet! I did the exact same thing last week at NYU.
- Wait, what? - This is perfect.
I did some smooching, you did some smooching.
We're even-stevens.
- You're happy about this? - Totally!
Now we can both wipe our dubious slates clean.
Ooh, boy, what a relief.
Hold on. You kissed someone over a week ago
and you were never gonna tell me?
I just did.
Only because I told you I kissed someone.
Exactly. We're both awful, baby.
Forgive. Forget. Even-stevens.
I felt horrible, and I told you immediately.
And you were just gonna keep this from me forever?
Not forever. Just TBD.
I have to think about this.
What's to think about?! Even-stevens.
As I got iced out by Brea,
the Winter Games were in full swing at home.
Aw, come on, USA!
Canada's flag is a leaf!
That's the weakest living thing on the planet.
Sure, I pressed a few into my memory journal
last autumn after a lovely drive up to Vermont,
but we should be raking these guys up.
Do better, America!
Technically, Canada is America.
The best part of America.
Hoo, go, Canucks!
Since when are you from Canada?
Since the first moment I met you,
and subsequently the millions of times I've reminded you.
Doesn't ring a bell,
but someone's a little proud for nothing.
We are literally beating your team.
Well, my bladder has won out over my laziness.
I'm gonna go undo what the iced tea did to me.
You're early.
Well, I guess you're here to watch hockey
with the fellas, huh?
Meet me downstairs in an hour,
and we'll have some ice dance snuggles.
No need to whisper, Mother.
I come bearing Pizza Hut pizza as a side dish
to an equally tasty and satisfying announcement.
Hot damn! You know how to enter a room, son.
I'll take two slices, please,
plus whatever nonsense this is gonna be.
As you indulge, know that I, Barry Goldberg,
the epitome of all that is manly,
love the graceful sport of ice dance.
So we get a pepperoni pie
just for you to say the thing you like?
When Dolores' cousin made "an announcement,"
there was confusion and tears, and then a happy acceptance
where we all moved him up to Greenwich Village.
He now works at a bar called Fellas.
Great cocktails, fun clientele.
You're not enraged at my betrayal of all that is macho?
Why would you ever keep
your love for ice dancing a secret?
In fact, many moons ago, I was a competitive ice dancer.
More secrets revealed.
I've talked about this many times.
You're a friend of a friend.
How much am I really expected to invest?
I was one-half of the Torvill and Dean of Canada.
Tremblay and Brown.
Now... rest in peace, Tremblay.
You skate with the angels now.
While I've enjoyed keeping our secret,
it'll be nice not to have to watch
from the shadows anymore.
And I owe it all to Joanne.
She is the wind beneath my ice dancing wings.
Moving past that controversial comment,
no, we're gonna watch up here tonight instead of
in the basement hot tub, where we pretend
we're just "having a normal mother-son soak."
Correction... Joanne will share in our passion
from here on out.
I can't wait to tell her.
Bye!
What the [bleep] just happened?
After coming clean about his love of ice dancing,
my brother was free to enjoy his favorite sport
with his favorite girl... and our mom.
Hot stuff coming through, and also cocoa.
See, I'm playful and not at all super miffed and confused.
Yep, someone had gotten between their secret
mother-son winter sport!
All right!
Ooh! Thanks for the hot chocolate, Mrs. G.
My pleasure, and don't feel bad that you showed up
empty-handed like a rude, intrusive guest
who doesn't know her place.
Shh. They're taking the ice.
Wait, is the guy Torvill or the lady Torvill?
Um, hellooo, Torvill is the blonde fox
in the glittering skirt.
And Dean is the blonde stud in the sequined tuxedo.
I'm so embarrassed for you.
You're just learning.
Ooh, I love how their outfits sparkle when they twirl.
I think you mean "twizzle."
Did you hear that, Barry?
She said "twirl" when she meant "twizzle."
Is that not what it is?
Oh, Joanne, you quirky rube who knows nothing
and makes this experience so much worse.
It's fine. I didn't learn the terms the first time either.
So is figure skating always duos?
Is there ever something crazy like a trio?
It is always two.
Three is garbage
in almost every situation in life, Joanne.
I'm remembering I have a lot of homework.
Aw, no, no, come on,
we haven't even gotten to the judges' results yet.
Seems like maybe it should just be between the two of you.
Her words, not mine. But also my words.
Mom!
What's wrong with you?
What's wrong with your girlfriend who doesn't know
a leap from a Lutz?
That's what this is? You're jealous of Joanne?
I thought ice dancing was our thing.
But I guess you don't see it that way.
Fine. Go.
But just like when Dean frosted his hair right before
Innsbruck in '84, you surprised me tonight, Mom.
While Barry and my mom had it out, I was desperate
to find a way to get back in with my girlfriend.
Thank you for coming here to brainstorm
how to undo the damage I've done with Brea.
So far, my only idea is "build a time machine."
I once built a soapbox car for a derby.
But my dad did most of the work.
We came in eleventh.
Great, Geoff, quick question... if you were me,
how would you sum up that nonsense for the chalkboard?
Sorry, but this never would have happened
if you would have just listened to my advice
and come clean right away.
Please, none of this would have happened if you'd stuck
with my advice and never said anything.
- That's insane! - Is it?
He could have kept his secret forever
and then had power over Brea because of her indiscretion.
- Are you the devil? - That was one Halloween, and PS, buddy,
you liked that costume a lot.
I'm sorry, can I just ask,
do you go around hiding smooches from me?
Of course not.
'Cause it feels like maybe I'm engaged
to Morganna the Kissing Bandit.
Morganna the Kissing Bandit?
She's this delightful, top-heavy woman who goes around
from ballpark to ballpark stealing kisses
from unsuspecting Major League ballplayers.
Funny that Morganna was so top of mind for you.
I know that you're hot for Morganna, Geoff,
and it really hurts me.
I'm so sorry. She means nothing to me,
and oh, my God, are you manipulating me to get the upper hand?
You see what I did there, Adam?
These are the kinds of tools that you need
to keep in your relationship toolbelt.
Please don't listen to my wayward fiancée.
What you need to do is throw yourself at Brea's feet
and tell her the kiss meant nothing.
I would love that, but I kinda have a credibility issue.
She won't believe anything I say.
But there might be someone she would believe.
Do you think he's going to track down Morganna?
- Would you like him to? - No!
Yes! Maybe!
Her proportions are ridiculous,
but I'm intrigued by her eager spirit.
As I was determined to repair my wrong,
Barry wasn't feeling quite right.
- Is everything okay? - That's what I'm wondering.
Have Torvill and Dean lost their magic?
The hairs on my arms are laying flat.
I meant with you.
You have that look on your face like when
they get your order wrong at Burger Chef.
What's so hard about light lettuce, twelve pickles,
three onion slices, double cheese,
two top buns and ketchup-mustard at a one to seven ratio?
You like what you like.
- And I'm not liking this. - Hmm.
Are their costumes less shimmery than normal?
I'm no psychologist, but I think you miss
watching ice dancing with your mom.
Gross. No.
And I'm furious at her for the way she treated you
- the other night. - It's okay.
She clearly was missing her special time with you,
and honestly, I kinda get it.
- You do? - Yeah.
You two have been sharing this one thing together
every four years ever since you were just a jacked little boy.
I guess watching Torvill and Dean
is the only thing my mom and I do just the two of us.
Oh, I messed this up.
So go make things right.
I know exactly what to do.
- Just go watch with her? - Not enough.
My plan has to be beautiful and intricate,
like a Torvill and Dean twizzle.
I am the clay, you are the sculptor.
Mold me with your gentle giant sculptor hands.
It would be an honor.
To be clear, you are asking me to teach you to ice dance?
- Yes. - Let's not waste another minute.
But there's no ice. And where are my skates?
You have to earn your skates.
A five, six, seven, eight.
And so, Vic taught my brother how to dance on the ice.
Yes, Barry.
In the headboard and nightstand section of a furniture store.
They cha-cha-ed...
they spun...
they even did whatever this is.
Barry, you are ready.
While Vic was teaching Barry all of his tricks,
I was desperately hoping to skate by with Brea.
I'm not ready to see you yet.
I get it. I seem like a scoundrel and a liar,
and as much as I want to convince you that I didn't
even know the kiss happened... which I didn't...
I can't expect you to take my word for it.
Brea, meet Allison Horowitz, the girl I kissed at NYU.
Oh! You brought the girl you kissed to my house?
- Sup? - Allison is here to
explain how meaningless the kiss was.
Allison, you have the floor.
Yeah, it felt like nothing.
Thank you, Allison.
Like, either he wasn't into it,
or he's just a really bad kisser.
- Wasn't into it. - Just lifeless and sloppy.
Okay, we get the gist.
And don't worry, I have no feelings for him.
I barely even remembered the kiss, and as soon as I did,
I called my boyfriend and told him the whole thing.
So you told your boyfriend right away?
Of course. I'm not psycho.
I thought I vetted you in the car!
Adam waited a week to tell me, and only because of
something he kept calling "even-stevens."
It's a common expression.
You waited a week? That's not cool.
- I know, right? - Like, why would you wait?
Did the kiss mean more to you than it did to me?
- Oh, oh! - I thought the same thing.
No!
And you're kind of losing the thread, Allison.
Well, this has been fun.
Maybe next time you can bring that weird
Princess Leia doll you keep by your bedside.
She's boxed for posterity. There's nothing going on there.
Ooh!
My jacket is caught in the door.
Bye.
Barry had learned a few tricks from an old pro
and was ready to give our mom the gift of a lifetime.
This isn't "Disney on Ice."
It's not.
And maybe an abandoned parking lot
should have clued you in a little earlier.
Joanne, now is not the time
for a poorly planned kidnapping attempt
because you're jealous of my eternal youth.
The blonde is in the building!
Barry, what's this?
Your favorite child performing on frozen water
- for your delight. - If I'm dreaming, don't wake me.
I didn't know why I was here, but now I'm very invested.
And now the student becomes the slightly better student.
With that, Barry took to the ice.
And despite his best efforts...
Charley horse! Charley horse!
...he still sucked.
I can't help but think I'm partially to blame for
filling a young man's head with encouragement.
Barry, are you okay?
No! I'm an idiot.
This was supposed to be my big apology
for not appreciating our time together.
I'm the one who should apologize.
I wasn't very nice to Joanne the other night.
You must think I'm crazy.
Hey, we're all a little crazy when it comes to loving Barry.
So much for your gift of my twirling body.
I think I know what the problem is.
You didn't have the right partner.
Wait. Why are you wearing that?
I've been wearing it since the opening ceremonies.
Is this the world debut of Goldberg and Goldberg?
You better believe it.
Let me just put on my skates.
- So you're dating that man? - He's my one and only.
And there he goes, intertwined with his mom.
They really were.
That day, my mom and Barry became one.
Somehow they moved with grace and elegance.
They also threw this move in.
Yep, it was a mother-son miracle on ice.
So beautiful.
Are you seeing this, Tremblay?
Are you seeing this?
As my mom and Barry united
to become the first ever family ice dancing duo,
I was making one last attempt
to keep Brea and me from falling apart.
You really don't quit, do you?
Not when it comes to you.
Please just hear me out.
No tricks this time, just the truth.
Adam, there's nothing to say.
There is.
Brea, I swear on my life, I didn't even know
I kissed that girl until I saw it on video.
It meant nothing, and I should have told you
as soon as I found out.
The fact that I didn't is one of the great regrets of my life.
I get it. We both made mistakes.
You weren't wrong about that.
It's just...
The thing is I don't know...
I don't know if I want to keep doing this.
Doing what?
This thing where I'm nervous all the time about
what next year's gonna be like.
I'm sure it's gonna be hard at times,
but we'll make it work.
Really?
I mean, we couldn't even survive two weekends away.
What... What's a full year gonna be like?
What's four years gonna be like?
Okay.
I'll be the one to say it.
Whatever it is, please don't.
We need to break up.
I just said not to say it.
Just don't make this any harder than it already is, okay?
Goodbye, Adam.
That's the thing about growing up.
You make a lot of mistakes.
Sometimes the lessons you learn
lead to something unexpected and joyous.
Other times,
they just hurt a lot.
Well, I guess you were right.
He should have followed your advice.
Maybe.
But I gotta ask.
There aren't actually any, you know,
secrets you've been keeping from me, are there?
Geoff, never.
I just love my little brother.
He's a great kid who had too much Jell-o.
I just couldn't stand the thought of him
getting hurt because of a dumb mistake.
Because you want him to have what we have someday?
More than anything.
But in the end...
...even life's harshest lessons
are made a little easier when you're surrounded...
by the people you love.
Babe, can you grab me...
A mini box of golden raisins?
I know what my guy likes.
Or do I?
Something you want to tell me?
I like what I like, okay?
You or me?