Go team!
Yeah! I love March Madness!
I don't care that we're drinking beer made for cattle.
Or eating generic nachos for decorative use only.
Or eating cheese sold out of a nervous guy's trunk.
The important thing is we're healthy,
we're with friends, and that's more valuable than gold.
Your life is small, flaccid,
and girls make fun of it when you're not around,
but if you invest in cryptocurrency,
you'll have a big, rock hard,
thick life that women will flock to.
Cryptocurrency ... Be a Penis Man.
Our lives are worthless! I want to be a Penis Man!
Didn't you just say health and friends
- are more valuable than gold? - Stop talking!
Everyone give me your shoes and socks.
I'm selling them for crypto cash!
A lot of people would've let me make
a dumb, impulsive decision, but you guys really stepped up.
Now, if you let me go, I promise to do the right thing
and put my every last penny into crypto.
You just earned yourself
another 12 hours in the chair.
Let us know what you want for dinner.
- We can funnel it into your face. - Bulk deli meat!
Oh, no.
Did I forget to put money in the meter?
Connie, cut me some slack.
I was busy duct-taping a co-worker.
Sorry. If I hit my quota, Sheriff said I can
sit in his massage chair for five minutes.
That parking ticket is gonna be more than my salary today.
Maybe we should invest in crypto.
I'd love to be the first in my family to retire
with more than a wad of USB cables to my name.
Look, I get it. None of us have ever had real money.
And it'd be amazing to never worry about
paying parking tickets or resorting to a doctor
whose degree just says "Doctor School."
But there's no way to get rich fast without hard work
over decades before dying of a heart attack
- just before your first vacation. - But look at our lives now.
We're poor, we're taped to a chair
with the cheapest duct-tape in the store.
Don't we want to be restrained with the nice duct-tape?
Good morning, Mama and Papa.
Beef, it's 6:00 in the morning.
Last night, Mom found a red-hot bottle of Schnapps
behind the radiator and isn't feeling herself
- so come back in 12 hours. - My colleague, Mack, and I
wanted to thank you for your continued support
and guidance of our childhood endeavors.
Your commitment has been unparalleled in the field,
- which is why ... - We're not buying you
- "BioSlaughter Two" for PS5. - Fuck you! Why?
- Come on! Come on! Come on! - Just get an after school job,
and you can buy whatever ethnic-cleansing
- role-playing game you want. - Forget it!
I'll just put the Christmas money
Grammy gave me into crypto and buy it myself.
How do you know about crypto?
Hello, crypto's the new ultra secret,
constantly advertised way to make a bunch of money.
I'll tell what I told Glen ... crypto is a rip off,
and you should invest in something smart like buying
a Honda minivan you can paint to look like a Porsche.
Let's say I have a little money lying around
from allowing the entire neighborhood
to splice my cable for five bucks a month.
I shouldn't put that money into crypto, right?
You can actually do very well.
That's the Nachos Supreme Pile!
It's the most expensive thing on the menu.
Oh, is it? Ever since we made $800
on the crypto market, we don't really look at prices.
You, too? Isn't crypto mining bad for the environment
and the whole thing a symbol of Silicon Valley greed?
Yes, and we do hate it.
But then we stayed up all night thinking of a way
to rationalize it, and we figured it out.
Ready? Why should Wall Street have all the fun?
Yeah, why should Wall Street have all the fun?
Think about it. "Why should Wall Street have all the fun?"
Absolutely. End of the day,
why should Wall Street have all the fun?
I'll also have the Nachos Supreme Pile.
Whoa!
Yep, I'm not just killing innocent civilians
carrying a toothbrush I mistook for a rocket launcher.
I'm also killing it in the crypto markets.
Oh, golly gee, digital currency is an amazing world
where your every dream comes true!
As we all know, there is no school next week...
due to Spring Break.
I'll be driving down to Kitty Hawk Beach,
unscroll the ol' kite, and hope conversations start up like wildfire.
What are y'all doing?
My family is staying at the Hilton in Puerto Vallarta.
It's a luxury resort in Mexico.
Ooh.
Have fun. Little tip from a veteran ...
the cab ride from the airport shouldn't cost $1,000.
- How 'bout you, Beef? - Oh, uh,
Mack and I will probably just hang around,
see how long crayfish can live in Listerine.
Of course you will. Because you're poor.
Cindy, just because your family is comfortable
doesn't give you the right to put down the less fortunate.
They know how their lives are gonna turn out,
and that's punishment enough.
The world of crypto and NFTs is truly magical.
And you're about to see just how magical it is.
Why are you waving your credit card?
That's how the Luck Dragon knows to come visit!
Luck Dragon?
- Hello, there. - Whoa.
- Holy crap! - Whoa.
I see there are some adventurous spirits
who want to learn about our fantastical world.
Luck Dragon, these are my friends.
Tell them what you told me.
You have been exclusively invited
to the world of crypto and NFTs,
an extraordinary place that makes dreams come true
and showers riches upon the pure of heart.
- Sick. - Wow!
- Oh, my God. - Hold on, I've been scammed before,
sometimes by an over-promising Luck Dragon.
What's the catch?
Yes, wise Todd, there is more to this story.
Our world is constantly under the threat of destruction
from the evil Dreaded Logic.
It inflicts all those unfortunate souls
who think about crypto and NFTs for two seconds.
That's why you must invest with a clear, youthful,
and empty mind.
Didn't answer my question, but okay.
I just don't understand how a made-up currency
and digital photos of nonsense have any value.
The forces of the Dreaded Logic have already inflicted you.
If you decide to break free of the shackles of cynicism
and go on this adventure,
just wave those credit cards in the air, and I shall appear.
So long, my friends!
And remember, the FBI is just jealou-u-u-s!
So you now have Bitcoin in a digital wallet?
Exactly. I put the five bucks Grammy gave me
and the five bucks you got
from selling your dad's heart medicine
into the Bitcoin ATM, and it transferred it in here.
Which currency should we invest in?
The key is to find something worthless
then hope that a celebrity on ketamine
accidentally tweets it out and you become rich.
Let's see our options ... Radioactive Starship Coin,
Robo-Foopa,
Hot Dogzzzzzzzzzzzz with 12 Z's,
Hot Dogzzzzzzzzzzzzz with thirteen Z's.
What about this one ... FlarpCoin?
Sounds completely arbitrary and perfect to me.
And... buy.
Cindy, you've winced at me for eating a bag of brown sugar
for lunch for the last time.
Come on, Kelly!
Untape me so we can summon the Luck Dragon!
Plus, you taped a mosquito inside me, and it's insatiable!
I say we do it.
I don't want to be some kind of dinosaur
who generates value through actual labor.
I'll admit, I was suspicious, but,
unlike the other Luck Dragons, that one didn't have
airline tickets to Brazil sticking out of his pocket.
And why should Wall Street have all the fun?
Yeah, why should Wall Street have all the fun?
Why should Wall Street have all the fun?
Let's do it. Let's apply childlike wonder
- to managing our life savings! - Yeah!
A heads up ... every orifice and pore
has been sealed shut for a few days,
so when you untape me, you might want to stand back.
- Here, Luck Dragon! - Here, Luck Dragon!
- We're ready, Luck Dragon! - We're ready, Luck Dragon!
I thought I might hear from you.
We want to invest in crypto, NFTs,
anything that will make us money
without having to work or think about it.
Unfortunately, I have bad news. The Dreaded Logic
has grown stronger and now threatens the Princess.
There's a princess?!
I'm sure I mentioned it, but, yes.
And if we don't act soon, the Dreaded Logic
will most certainly consume her,
destroying the land of crypto forever,
and preventing you from ever making that sweet cash.
We have to save the Princess.
What do we have to do to save her?
It's the most difficult quest of all.
You must gather all your friends, united in purpose,
to fork over your credit card numbers to buy this NFT.
Is that a...?
It's a hamster spread eagle on a pool table.
Isn't that cool as shit?
The guy who made it is, like, this French dude.
He's like dating a Hadid or something.
- Wow! - How much is it?
- $10,000. - Ewww.
That's a lot of money, Luck Dragon.
You're right. Well, I'll go pick up the Princess
to go coffin shopping. Farewell!
Wait! We can do it.
Sure, we'll have to ask everyone in Fairview
to dip into their life savings, but just imagine the rewards.
- Fuck, yeah. - What'd you say?
I meant, you are a brave and noble warrior.
Now, make haste, for the Dreaded Logic
grows stronger by the moment and so on.
Who's the hamster playing pool against?
That's not important.
The important thing is that, in a week,
this will be worth millions.
You're kidding! Well, I have always wanted
to ride donkeys in Patagonia.
I just need to grab my checkbook.
- Nice! - Score!
Denise, I'm home. I don't see a cheese plate.
- I assume you're dead. - Guess what, Lonny.
I'm buying an NFT! We're going to ride donkeys!
God damn it, Denise! These people are swindling you.
Listen here, you jackals.
This is the dumbest woman on the planet.
- Don't say that about your wife. - We're trying to save a princess.
Ah, save it for the next sucker.
We didn't even get a chance to show him the hamster.
Holy shit.
Friggin' Elon Musk tweeted about FlarpCoin,
and we're now worth a trillion dollars.
Every time I refresh it, it goes up!
- This is nuts! - Mack, look at me.
We're crypto trillionaires. But I've seen this story before,
and we can't let it get to our heads.
Screw you, Cindy! We don't care if it's gotten to our heads!
That's where it's supposed to go!
Hoo-whee! Cindy, they got you good.
Nice job, Beef and Mack.
And I'm not saying this because you're now the richest people
I've ever met, but can we give them an applause?
By the way, this town could really use a go-kart track, huh?
Just need somebody to run it
who's responsible and good with kids.
I bet they'd take that job for maybe 175 grand a year.
Pretty good deal. I bet he'd let the owners
use the karts whenever they want. 10:00 P.M., it don't matter.
He'll throw on his coat, and flip on the lights for 'em.
They could use the soda machine whenever they want.
He won't say anything. He'll just give 'em a little wink
and go back to reading his Grisham.
- No. - Money changed you two dickwads
for the worse, you know that?
We tried to recruit some people to our whole NFT adventure
and they asked a lot of reasonable questions
like, "What is this?"
And, "Isn't this the definition of a Ponzi scheme?"
"Is there a bomb strapped to your neck or something?"
We just don't think we have the salesmanship
and unbroken, fully dilated eye contact to deliver on this.
Hello? Yes, your majesty.
It's the Princess.
Oh, no. The Dreaded Logic is filling
your humble bedchamber with a choking miasma?!
I wish I could help,
but, unfortunately, Kelly, Chelsea, Todd,
and Glen here bailed 'cause they're not pure of heart.
- Don't say our names! - Sorry, I already said them.
She said she wrote them down.
Can she throw away whatever she wrote them on?
Uh, she wrote them on her birth certificate
so she can't throw that out.
- Crap. - Crap. Hey, we're ...
we're actually not bailing, Princess.
We just need some help on how to communicate
how magical an opportunity this is.
I can rent you a Lambo for a couple days,
and, when people see that thing,
the blood is going to go rushing to their balls, you know?
I'll tell the Dark Logic to cool its heels.
- I thought it was the Dreaded Logic. - What are you, a stenographer?
Ooh, one of them spinny bars.
Someone tripped me.
Hey, Chris, these four got me, cool?
Alright, thank you, Chris.
Well, mission accomplished.
Let's just cash out, make some smart investments,
and try to live off this trillion dollars.
- Mack. - What?
You'd have to be an idiot to cash out now.
FlarpCoin is still going up.
Do you really want to pull out and miss out
on another trillion dollars?
Beef... you're exactly right! We gotta let it ride.
We'll be kicking ourselves if we only walk away
with a measly 47 FlarpCoins worth a trillion.
Holy crap, where'd you get that sweet whip?
Digital currency. Invest while you can.
That's the thing that made those two kids rich!
Wait for us! Our legs can't move as fast as wheels.
NFTs! Don't miss out!
I have a guy on the table cut open like a lobster, but okay!
Denise, they have a Lambo.
Why didn't you make that investment?
I tried, but you stopped me.
This isn't hard ... follow my word like it came
from Jesus Christ's lips unless I'm wrong!
Fairview, thank you for taking up this courageous journey.
To begin, clear your minds of all dark, critical thoughts,
and wave your credit cards in the air.
- Oh. - Ooh!
- Wow! - Amazing!
Hello there, Fairview!
Before we proceed, I should warn you that,
if you take up this fight,
you might have to hang out with Brad Pitt at Lake Como.
Yeah!
Okay, let's see those credit cards!
Great. Got it.
Ooh, magic is happening. So fantastical.
Princess is gonna love this. Hold still.
You are so brave, so pure of heart.
How about this weather, huh? Pretty nice stretch.
I like when its a little humid.
- Yeah. Really nice. - For sure, for sure, for sure.
Bup, bup, buh.
Congratulations, Fairview, you are the proud owners
of a hamster spread eagle on a pool table,
- and have saved the Queen! - I thought it was a princess.
This isn't a conversation, okay?
Now, rejoice, for the wealth of nations now rests
with the citizens of Fairview!
Yay!
I taught you the history of the world,
and you can't teach me how to buy crypto?
Seems a little selfish. I might give you a bad grade.
Uh, we actually don't really need school anymore.
Yeah, we're just here
so we don't lose touch with normies like Cindy.
There goes your invite when I strike it rich,
buy some True Religion jeans,
and slap down fat stacks for a big-ass fishing boat.
- Uh, Beef? - Quiet.
I wanna see if Myers will sell me his gall bladder.
You might want to look at this.
So Luck Dragon, how's our NFT doing?
Can we start laying into sales clerks
who underestimate our buying power?
Uh, y-yeah,
yeah, you might want to hold off a beat, actually.
Because it's going up and we shouldn't get out
before it's reached the top?
Because some federal reserve jerkoff
mentioned regulating crypto, the whole system cratered,
and your NFT is now worth one millionth of a penny.
What are you gonna do, huh?
- What?! - What?!
Hey, don't be weird about this.
You knew there'd be risk of financial ruin.
Plus, you saved the Princess.
- Fuck the Princess! - That's like all of our savings.
And by the way, obviously, there is no princess.
Wow! Yeah, they're not convinced you exist.
Hey, your phone is locked, and you're just holding it to your ear.
- Todd's the worst one. - Don't tell her that.
Look, this is when you double down, actually, okay?
Buy the dip. Let's see them credit cards!
- Get him! - Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit
shit, shit, shit, shit.
Yo, you guys are jerks!
Money-obsessed, if you ask me!
- FlarpCoin's gone to zero? - Crap!
We should've gotten out when we could.
We could've spent the rest of our lives
rubbing peoples' faces in our shit.
- Everything alright? - Yeah, yeah, everything's great.
Yeah, uh, yeah, everything's great.
Are you sure you weren't
looking up how FlarpCoin is now worthless?
What? No.
That's just completely natural,
global GDP-sized market fluctuations.
If anything, this is good.
It's a chance to buy more FlarpCoin.
Then buy some.
We're ruined!
Can you float us a loan?
A trillion dollars would get us back on our feet.
Pathetic.
We could've had free sodas for life. Soda-a-a-a!
So, are you gonna talk to me?
- I don't talk to scammers. - I didn't know it was a scam.
I just wanted to eat food bought before its expiration date
and drink beer meant for human consumption, like everyone else.
But you didn't have to take down your friends
with you, including me.
- You know what? I'm out of here. - You're not wearing clothes.
Because I can't afford any no more.
Now I gotta sprint everywhere
so no one catches a glimpse of my dong.
- You can borrow some sweats. - Can't talk! It'll just slow me down!
Why can't I have wheels?!
Can you blame us for wanting to be rich?
We need money to play video games with our friends.
Myers treated us like kings when he thought we had money.
Then we look at our feeds,
and it's all just kids showing off their cool stuff.
It's a deep societal rot, and there's only one way to fix it ...
by telling off the person who represents all of it ...
- Cindy. - Great idea.
Who needs money when you can make a rich kid feel bad? Let's go!
Pastor Marv, you okay?
I heard you screaming at a 4-year-old
- for looking at you funny. - We lost a lot of money on that NFT.
The Pastor thinks God is punishing him for the time
he begged a methhead to beat his beanbag with a 5-iron.
Pastor, God isn't punishing you.
It was just us getting caught up in trying
to have a better life and pulling you into it.
You didn't pull me in. I pulled myself.
I saw the promise of financial salvation
in a hamster's ass cheeks, and I ran toward it
not realizing the obvious ...
The Devil was testing me, and, boy, did I fail.
Now, where's my Bible? I gotta look up how many scorpions
I gotta shove down my pants for God to call it even.
Pastor Marv is right. This was the work of the Devil,
and we should get our money back from him.
You can't find the Luck Dragon.
He's taken our money off to some fantastical land,
and there's nothing we can do to get it back.
Unless we take a page from his book and lure him back here.
Then we can do something real,
none of this fantasy crap, to get our money back.
Cindy's not at home, not at the park.
- Where the hell is she? - There she is!
Hey, Cindy, we got something to say.
Yeah! You want to know what we think of you?
Sure. And feel free to really go for it.
It's gonna be awhile before someone picks me up.
Your chauffeur get a flat or something?
No. My parents have big jobs with long hours
so I have to stay a few hours everyday after school
- until they pick me up. - Oh.
My dad's home at, like, 4:00 P.M. everyday.
Sometimes mine never leaves the house whatsoever.
At least you get to go on cool vacations.
Mm, I'd rather have a functional relationship
with them built on daily interactions rather than
artificial intimacy that uses lavish settings as a buffer.
What were you gonna say to me before I started my sob story?
- Um... - You can eat our asses!
We're actually gonna skip it.
H-Hey, what are you doing later?
Hello! Luck Dragon! Where are you?!
- I want to buy the dip! - No.
You're setting me up for something bad.
What?! You're crazy.
I lost my Key West vacation money and got a thirsting
for straight-up average-looking grammies.
I don't know if I can trust you.
Come on, man! Break free of the shackles of cynicism
and go on this adventure with me!
Alright. Sorry.
It's just, some D-bags take it super personally
when you wipe out their life savings in seconds.
Anyway, there's this NFT of a hummingbird
blowing itself and...
Shit's about to get real for that Luck Dragon.
Okay, let me just grab this and ...
aah! Holy shit! Holy shit!
Aah, my fucking legs.
That's what you get for messing with Fairview!
Quick! Grab his phone. Now see if he's got a wallet.
- Hell yeah. - What the hell, man?!
The Princess is gonna hear about this.
There's no princess.
This is just some fantasy, get-rich-quick Ponzi scheme.
That said, I could see a really big market
for an NFT of a Luck Dragon's compound fracture.
- You people are monsters! - You're the monster.
Also, you owe a Lamborghini dealer a lot of money
because none of us have car insurance.
Yeah!
How the hell did you get the money
to buy "BioSlaughter Two"?
Come on, Mom, relax. Cindy bought it for us
with the credit card she took from her mom's purse.
That's cool as hell.
Cindy, you're taking me to that store in the plaza
with all the hair clips.
- Let's go. - Gimme a sec.
I'm hanging out with my friends.
- Cindy. Car. Now. - No one's following you, Mom.
I should probably get going anyway.
Thanks for keeping me company.
- I'll see you in class tomorrow. - Hey, uh, can you, like,
not make fun of us for being poor anymore?
Only if you don't make fun of me for having absentee parents.
Sure. And come over anytime.
Come on, Cindy. Girls trip ... let's go.
Fine. Just drop me at my house after.
I'll drop you off wherever you want.
We're best friends. I love you.
You're my baby girl.
Whoo!
- Go team! - Yeah!
Much easier to enjoy the game knowing we paid
everyone back with compound fracture NFT earnings.
I've said it before ... we have great lives here.
No one gives me a hard time
that I only brush my teeth every other day.
Let's make an agreement to never fall for something
that promises riches to the most vulnerable people in society
in exchange for their hard-earned dollars.
Deal.
Sign up for the Sports Bet Money Cha-Ching app right now,
and you'll feel like every free throw
is a blast of heroin right into your brain stem.
Screw our lives! I need that app!
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