The plumbing needed fixing.
There was money set aside in the budget to fix it,
but instead, I plowed that money into materials
for our upcoming musical project, West Side Story.
Due to start rehearsals today,
which incidentally, could be a game changer.
Could lead to wide-scale prison reform...
...thanks to one idea I had.
But I digress.
The plumbing broke. So far, so what?
So far, 300 women haven't showered,
cleaned their teeth or flushed the toilet for 48 hours.
The stench is unbelievable.
They can, however,
thumb through their personalized, hand-bound parchment songbook,
so every cloud...
This is what my detractors would call "a perfect storm."
I think your detractors would call this a public health emergency
due to gross mismanagement of prison funds, but...
- Yeah, well you say "potahto." - No one says "potahto."
Oh, my God, you can almost taste it.
Don't even... I know, this is so COVID-19.
Have you seen this lot?
Look, you wouldn't think we were just outside Billericay.
You had the mujahideen over there?
I mean, you don't want this footage getting out.
I don't know how any of them have got an appetite, anyway.
Because we don't all go home and eat posh gay food, that's why.
I'm not gay, boo. I'm just from Essex.
The porridge has been made with milk!
It's usually made with water, but it's been made with milk!
Jean's found the silver lining in the water shortage.
Mmm! Oh, that's delicious!
Mmm, if it didn't smell so much of shit in here,
this would be one of my top three brekkies.
That's a low bar.
Ah, this might be Tubby bye-byes for me.
Most def time for Tubby bye-byes.
- Delivery for Laura Willis. - Yeah.
500 bottles of hand sanitizer, 300 gallons of water,
and one portable toilet.
- Who's that for? - Me.
You've got your own toilet?
I am the governor of this prison, Dean.
- Can I use it? - No.
- But I'm your number two. - It's not for number twos.
- Why not? - Why would it be?
So, just to clarify, this toilet, not for number twos?
- I'm afraid not. - Got it.
Um, it's not... It's not that much, is it?
No, that's before VAT and delivery. It's that much.
Good.
Yikesaroo, chica.
But if you turn the electricity off in the prison one day a week,
- you may claw some of that back. - Mmm.
Just a thought.
She's probably considering that. Try not to breathe inside!
Fuck you very much!
♪ Ooh ♪
Three days in and nothing could've prepared me for this.
I don't like causing trouble.
Fat Pat is lovely and has made me feel very welcome,
but she's not adhering to the "no passing of solids in the basin" rule.
All right, Ange.
All right, Fat Pat.
Pass us the bog roll, Ange.
I've requested a cell move.
I've got a new business!
What's your new business?
Selling yo-yos.
How's business?
Up and down.
Very good. That's very good.
They all play this game called "I've Got a New Business."
- It goes like this: I say... - I've got a new business.
- Then you say... - What's your new business?
Then I say what my new business is.
I'm making plates for Greek weddings.
- Then you say, "How's business?" - "How's business?"
Then I tell you how my new business is going using a shit pun.
I'm smashing it.
Hey!
Pathetic.
I'm a baker!
Do you mean, "I've got a new business"?
Yes, that's what I mean, isn't it?
Put that one, too, over there.
Let's move that new inmate, Paula.
- Angela? - Angela, is it?
- Yes, let's move her to a new cell. - Is she not happy with the view?
No, Dean. She's not happy with the way the system has failed her.
She clearly doesn't belong here, nor does she have the tools to survive.
Plus, Fat Pat keeps shitting in the sink,
so I think we can cut the woman some slack.
This is not something I can say in here very often, but that woman is innocent.
- Who, me? - No, not you.
- I am though, miss. - No, you're not.
- Am though. - No, you're not.
- I'm innocent, miss. Am! - No, you're not.
- I'm innocent, miss.
You're never getting out.
♪ Ooh ♪
Ms. Cheryl Fergison,
esteemed soap star turned director for musicals in women's prisons,
is in the building!
I wasn't on the rota, but I swapped shifts so I could greet her.
She'll appreciate a friendly face.
This face.
Here she is, repeat EastEnder offender...
I thought that was a good one.
Oh, my God, I had prepared for it to smell in here,
but I didn't think it would be this bad. It's like an open sewer.
Apologies for that. The water is off, but I can't detect anything
other than the heady scent of Lady Trott's talent.
I'm regretting this already. Who's he?
I'm not here because I love prison theater.
I'm not here to help out or because I like Cheryl.
I'm here because I'm a gun for hire,
and this pays better than theater right now.
I'll get that!
- I'll get that. I'll get that. - Have you got anything in your pockets?
Oh, sorry. Yeah, my keys.
I got it! I got it!
See that? I got it.
What are you like, eh?
Walking straight through, bold as brass, no care for coin or keys.
- Who are you? - You!
I knew you'd be trouble.
I'm only joking.
♪ I'm only joking ♪
- No, I will not be in your musical. - I am not going to last long in here.
It's really worthwhile, Martin.
I've done this before and I can tell you, it feels good.
These women get no excitement. That's why we're here.
♪ It's me again Yes, how did you guess? ♪
♪ 'Cause last time You were really impressed ♪
♪ And I'm bolder C-C-Cold, getting colder ♪
♪ And at the very same time I heat up at a party ♪
♪ And sold her but not with solar power ♪
♪ For far too long Made mistakes and allowed ♪
♪ Top of the rank like Pearl and Dean And if you can't, now I'm suitable... ♪
That was amazing!
That was just like being a kid again.
We used to do so much fun stuff when I was little.
I mean, loads of it.
Like... Like jumping off things,
and throwing things
and stealing things.
That was the most fun part.
And that's the thing that made my mammy the most proud.
- I love you, Mammy! - The guards are coming!
- Whoa. - Oh, for goodness' sake, Doug, every time!
Be careful what you're doing there.
That is human waste you have nearly slopped all over me.
And thank you for being so near to it.
What is this all about?
I don't know. Could it be the ice cream van?
Don't be ridiculous. It usually signals some sort of emergency.
But in case you're right, I'll have raspberry ripple, one scoop.
Two scoops!
I'm sure it's nothing, folks,
but we are going to a holding area for safety.
For safety?
It's fine, it's fine, but this inmate needs to be somewhere secure.
- What inmate? - This inmate.
That's Cheryl. We've met. Not an inmate.
Sorry, Cheryl. The alarm's going off, so I couldn't see you properly.
Pop yourself in there. I don't think this is going to take very long.
Has someone been shivved?
Eight shows a week in the West End,
but all you've got to watch out for is the price of the Häagen-Dazs.
Whereas here, not only am I being slowly poisoned by the smell of caca,
at any given moment, I could be jumped by Myra Hindley singing Bernstein.
You're not in any danger.
That's easy for you to say, Cheryl. Look at you.
They're not going to mess with you. Whereas me, I'm low-hanging fruit.
Why don't you get your keyboard out? It might distract you.
Do I look like someone who could be easily distracted?
♪ There's no beginning ♪
♪ There'll be no end ♪
♪ 'Cause on my love you can depend ♪
Classic tune!
Written by The Troggs in 1967, I do believe.
I don't know and I don't care.
This is the 1994 Wet Wet Wet version, and I should know. I was there.
♪ It's written in the wind ♪
♪ It's everywhere I go ♪
♪ Love me, love me, love me... ♪
Code Blue, Gal. Code Blue.
That's the all-clear, folks.
- What a shame, eh? - Yeah, gutted.
I thought it was really good.
Do you know what this is?
Another Health and Safety violation? The theft of government property?
- The misuse of communal supplies? - Shall I tell you?
- Sure. - Progress.
- Is it? - 100%.
How so?
This was no passive act. Think what it required.
Imagination, planning, commitment, execution,
the building blocks of rehabilitation.
I feel a TED talk coming.
This was an invaluable experience and my gift to them.
- Fat Pat broke her arm. - It will heal.
These women are taking back their narrative.
Willis! You ginger twat.
- Do you know what that is? - Hurtful?
- The sound of freedom. - My mistake.
- It's a great day, Dean. - You gaping old arsehole!
- What was that one? - More progress.
Come on. Single file, boos.
Yeah, this is what happens when you do an impromptu slip-and-slide.
All the Pats, you know who you are. They've all got nicknames.
It started out 'cause there was a load of Pats.
So you've got Fat Pat, Black Pat, White Pat, Pat Pat. She's the OG.
Then it spiraled from there, didn't it?
I mean, I don't know, what do they call you, Hair Net?
Here we go, Jill the Canary.
No Nugget Sue.
It's all happening, innit?
- Thick As Shit Jean. - Night.
All right, love.
Who we got here? Oh, yes, Step Ladder Lynne.
- No, it's Long Mary. - Oh, my mistake, boo.
Yeah, I mean, I don't know how they get away with it, really.
But it's say what you see in here.
Mad Barnett, Ginger Ale, Moo Moo, I don't know.
Lone Ranger. There you go. Look, Angry Spice.
Oh, yeah, have a look at this one. Gormless Madge.
We had that. Oh, here we go. Chinese Su, without the E.
Cathy With The Hat. No Hat Cathy.
I mean, two and a half years, she answered to Wallop Tits,
then she got all hashtag MeToo.
Oh, and coming up the rear,
- Blind Sally. - I'm not blind.
No, well, you're going the wrong way, boo.
I mean, you can't make that up, can you? You all right, love?
That's it. Good girl.
There we go. Yeah. Mind the microphone.
By law, inmates with disabilities are not required to disclose their conditions.
And Sally decided that was the way forward.
She's partially sighted in one or both eyes.
- Part blind. - Oh!
- Semi-blind. - Whoa!
- Blind-ish. - Whoa!
When she arrived, I explained there was a lot I could do
to adapt her environment, to make her time in here easier.
For example, ramps,
handrails,
those little rubber things that go round sharp edges, like you do for toddlers.
A guide dog.
You're not getting me a guide dog. Then they'll all know.
They call you Blind Sally, so I do think that horse has bolted.
Where? I'm scared of horses.
It's all right. It's gone now. Just... Just... Just help me to help you.
I know how it works in here. I can't let these women know my weakness.
That you're scared of horses?
I appreciate the offer,
but the best thing you can do to make my time in here easier
is treat me like everyone else and don't draw attention to anything I do.
- Got it? - Understood.
- Would you like... - No!
That's the stationery cupboard.
Ow! Fuck!
Dear God.
Can we go outside? Can't breathe in here.
You should have thought of that before you slid down the hallway on your belly, boo.
I still haven't had a go.
Mmm, hashtag life goals.
♪ Ooh ♪
Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, I've got a new business!
- What's your new business? - I'm governor of this prison.
How's business?
I'm up to my neck in shit!
Okay, thank you.
Let's settle down. Settle down.
Thank you. This is where we find ourselves.
It is an unpleasant and unfortunate situation.
There is no two ways about that.
My God, the smell has really centralized in here, hasn't it?
- Let us out then! - Not possible just yet.
As you know, it is standard protocol when an alarm goes off.
Plus, we need to make safe the corridor.
Come on!
I didn't have a go yet.
And as much as I like to make your time in here enjoyable,
it is not a theme park.
If it was, it'd be Shit Mountain.
Yes, and a quick update about that.
Because most of the water that arrived this morning is now depleted...
...you will have to carry on using wet wipes for personal hygiene.
What? No!
But there are also emergency bottles of hand sanitizer,
- so the situation... - Shit-uation.
Very good... is under control.
- Workmen are on site. - Yes, come on!
Oh! Yes!
So we are headed in the right direction.
Look, we are all in this together.
And we will get through it a lot quicker if we work together as a team.
Can we use your portable toilet then, miss?
No. We're not insured.
Thank you, ladies.
We're right behind you, Laura.
It's like you said, we'll get through it together.
I'm coming.
I get it.
I can't smell anything.
It smells quite nice today.
Impossipuzzles. They're our thing.
Mission Impossipuzzle? Not for us.
We first bonded over a 10,000-piecer.
We both went for the last piece at the same time.
Our eyes locked, and that was that.
Imagine our surprise.
We started with a four-foot picture of a windmill.
Look at us now,
diving into baked beans without so much as batting an eyelid.
- I've got a corner. - Oh, well done.
I thought it was the top of the bean, but it's the bottom.
I'm such a noodle, aren't I?
I think it's going to be a long day.
Let's play "Guess the Kardashians"!
Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?
"I'm excited." You.
Kourtney.
- Kourtney? - Mmm.
I didn't say, "I'm excited." I said, "I'm excited."
Oh, yeah.
I'll start again.
"I'm excited."
- Are you going to move, or what? - Sorry?
- I need to go past. - Just go round her.
I want to go this way. This is my preferred route.
"I'm excited!"
Why have you got to be such a bitch all the time?
Move your fucking legs out of my way.
Stand up for yourself.
- "I'm excited." - What the fuck is wrong with you?
- It's got nothing to do with you. - "I was married to Kanye West."
Haven't you got a council flat to apply for?
- No, no, no. - It's all right. I'm up now.
- "I'm excited." - Get the fuck back down, Ange.
It was Kendall pretending to be Kim.
You're ruining my fucking concentration over here!
- Are you going to be with us all day? - I can certainly arrange it.
- Result! - We're all gonna die!
Oh, for goodness' sake, Doug! Every time!
- Is that the same bucket? - It is not.
Okay, can we do something about these alarms?
Because that is grating, isn't it?
Very unfriendly. Surely we can change it.
Seventy percent of all prisons are on budget and have running water.
This prison is grossly over budget and has no running water.
And Laura wants to change the alarm...
because it hurts her ears.
What does Kanye ever get?
Shut the fucking door!
She shouldn't really be here, Vivian.
I mean, I've got people in here for tax evasion,
and they're sharing a facility with someone who, well,
it would be wrong to discuss an individual case, but...
Let's just say someone was disemboweled
by someone.
Is the second someone Viv?
Who could ever say?
It's Viv.
I mean, Christmas '86,
that's your EastEnders golden era right there.
No offense, Cheryl.
Are you still in touch with Minty?
Fuck off!
All right, loves. It's over. It's over.
Get back in your cells! It's over.
Was that my fault? Did I cause this?
Things can kick off at any moment in here, Angela.
- You need to be a bit more savvy. - What does that mean?
You stick out like a sore thumb.
They can smell your weakness a mile off. It's making you a target.
But I don't know how else to be.
I did tell you that wouldn't take long, didn't I?
Hello. Why is this inmate here?
Ah. Cheryl. It's Cheryl. I thought you were a different one.
Anyway, sorry for the delay. We had a few inmate-control issues.
All sorted now. And more good news.
We've got a couple of industrial fans up and running,
which are dispersing the worst of the smell.
So, I think we can crack on with rehearsals now,
which will make a nice diversion for everyone.
You'll be lucky. I'm going home, dear.
- Who's this fella? - This is Martin. He's my musical director.
Oh, amazing. Welcome, Martin.
I know it's been a difficult day,
but this is a wonderful thing you're doing.
This project will make a huge difference to these women,
and I just want to thank you in advance for giving your time and talent
in such a generous and selfless way.
Society is all the better for people like you.
I found that very moving, actually.
Right then. Once more unto the breach.
Thanks, everyone, for showing an interest.
First of all, let's see what everyone can do.
No pressure. Just have fun and show us your best party trick.
I'll go first.
All right. Bit silly, I know. But who's up next?
- I'll go, Heather. - Oh, Christ.
Yay!
That ended lovely.
Thank you. Thank you.
I mean, no, that doesn't... Just... There. Wait a minute.
Hello, my name is Suds.
I work in the laundry.
That's why they call me Suds.
I look forward to being in your show.
♪ I'm thinking 'bout where I found my love On the banks of the Tallahatchie ♪
♪ When I heard that song and I came along And you called my name ♪
♪ Well, it's been a long time come And the memories gone... ♪
Thought I had one, but I haven't.
♪ And the river knows That the love that I found ♪
♪ On the banks of the Tallahatchie ♪
♪ The love that I found On the banks of the Tallahatchie ♪
Yay!
Whoa!
Nice balloon!
Well, it sounds like you've all been having a lot of fun in here.
First prize goes to whoever it was doing those screechy animal impressions.
I could hear those all the way down to the end of the corridor.
That was Jill the Canary singing "Mull of Kintyre."
Beautiful.
Anyway, thank you all for your cooperation today.
Now, it's not on the timetable,
but I think it's only fair, before dinner is served,
you all run out into the yard
and grab yourselves a lungful or two of fresh air.
Before you go though, please remember, hygiene, hygiene, hygiene.
Hello, hello, hello.
I wasn't actually saying "hi" to you, Jean, but hello.
And also, please don't forget,
grab a bottle of hand sanitizer as you leave.
♪ Jubilation bells Ringing from the depths ♪
♪ Your heart and soul Leave you hot and cold ♪
♪ Jubilation bells From open fields to prison cells ♪
♪ Screaming out for joy Dreamed you find your boys ♪
- What's it smell like in here, Gal? - It stinks like shit.
It always makes him laugh.
I mean, we're all round, gagging around the place.
- He's giggling. He thinks it's funny. - It stinks like shit.
It does. It stinks like shit. And it's hot.
It's 'cause he's not allowed to say that usually.
Well, I don't swear that much.
Only when he's on the telly.
There's only one word for it.
Shit.
The air is thick with
- shite. - Shit.
- He's at it again. Anything'll get him. - I just...
Look at these women. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- Depends what you're thinking. - Just how much potential they have.
Oh. No. No.
- They look happy, though. - Yeah.
And that's a start.
Whoo!
Is that...
Oh, God.
- You know that hand sanitizer? - Yes, they've drank it.
Lucky he wears cheap clothes.
Crisis over. Pipes fixed. Water's back on.
We live to fight another day.
I mean, how does she get away with it?
It was just a great day today. It was just a great day.
Packed with craic today, it was.
If you've got any photos of today, I put them up on here, on my wall of fame.
Do you see it? All the memories.
All the memories that my mammy gave me.
She's not been able to visit me. Not much. Not since I've been here, anyway.
And that'll break her heart because I know she hates to disappoint me.
She's coming soon 'cause she can't wait to come and see me in West Side Story.
I'm gonna make her really proud.
That's the camper van of me and my mammy's dreams.
That's not the man of my dreams, but he's the one buying me the camper van,
and I'm going camping with me mammy in it.
Do you see that? That bus ticket? You know what that's from?
My mammy came to pick me up from school that day, and I kept it.
One adult for my mammy and one single for the child.
Two, please. Two tickets. That's what they did.
Saw this. I don't know who that is.
I don't know who that was.
But my mammy's coming soon!
♪ Dressed in robes of white ♪
♪ But these aren't wedding bells ♪
♪ That strike the hour of our love ♪
♪ So dance, dance for the master ♪
♪ 'Cause it's not peace we've found ♪
♪ Just one knife dropping from above ♪