Thanks for doing this.
I know Saturday night is usually reserved for snuggle night.
Hey, you can enjoy a snuggle
when you're missing your darn phone, so we better find it.
I think I left it here when we were seeing
if we could catch the Jesus statue blinking.
- There it is. - Thank goodness.
Still got some snuggle left in you?
Uh-oh. We got an intruder.
Mary, walk close.
I ain't awkwardly walking around Heaven
without a date like some loser.
Sorry. It's just us.
The door was open. We didn't do anything bad.
My God! Sex and drugs.
Not to underplay it, but moral anarchy has consumed Fairview!
And of all nights, on snuggle night!
Our humble pious hamlet has been torn asunder
by the devil himself, who now tempts our brethren
with the unnatural sins of natural desire
and ingesting a plant.
Let's start small. Mandatory castration.
That's right. Throw everyone's genitals in a pile.
It will be a nice pile. It won't be sprawling.
Yeah, tight pile.
The same distance horizontally and vertically.
Wait, didn't your Internet history make
a Geek Squad guy's hair turn white?
Yeah, and weren't you the only
pastor to ever be a presenter at the porn awards?
Hey, we're all sinners. Look at you.
- You got ketchup on your sleeve. - Fairview is fine.
We have the normal amount of drug overdoses,
teen pregnancies, and people sitting at the bar
watching porn without headphones.
People are more open minded these days.
They don't flinch at a naked woman
in the crosswalk smearing pizza on herself.
Or when a supermarket circular shows full peen.
But now the deviance has reached our church.
It's the first impure thing that's ever happened there,
not counting the mayhem from the Geek Squad guy
having a psychotic break.
We need to do something to protect our kids.
Ashley's my little girl, and I don't want to get seasick
and barf all over the River Styx when I go to visit her.
I agree with Brother Todd. Our morals have gone to hell.
All people want to do now is watch "Euphoria",
listen to Little Nas X, attend Drag Queen Story Hour,
and a ton of other examples I've been thinking about nonstop.
We need a morality campaign in this town.
Preach good behavior.
No drugs unless they're for female mood swings.
No sex unless you need to apologize for belittling
your spouse's income in front of everyone at the barbecue.
Host wholesome events, a dance where any touching
is considered equivalent to anal sex.
As much as I'd love to go on a moral crusade,
I'm not getting between this town's weirdly strong
dominant arms and their pornography.
Some moral leader you are. Come on, Mary.
Let's go rip out the church pew where we found
that condom and throw it in a wood chipper.
Your teenage daughter acted out. It's not a big deal.
Besides, you two did way worse stuff.
Yeah, exactly. And look at how our lives turned out.
You are sitting on the couch that I was conceived on.
I'm chemically dependent on blue raspberry flavoring.
You're supposed to be the good one who goes to college,
makes a lot of money, and hires actors to play
your parents at the wedding because you're ashamed of us.
Marriage is an outdated institution
that lets men own women like cattle.
She's high right now! You're grounded for two weeks!
Oh, no. Grounded at home during an extremely deadly pandemic.
What will I ever do?
Todd, when my daddy saw me smoking drugs
and rolling in the hay with the guy who sold hay,
he stepped up, gave me direction.
Maybe it's time you did the same.
Pastor Marv is acting like Fairview is some den of sin,
but all the alleyway hand jobs I see are very cordial.
The man always takes off his hat.
We don't see anything because we don't know the password.
- What password? - The password to Fairview's
Satanic sex party circuit.
Every Saturday morning at sunrise,
I knock on doors dressed as a fully engorged devil
and say what I think the password is.
And so far, no one's let me inside.
But I know there's an ocean of filth flowing under this town.
You can hear the waves. Shhhhhh.
Ksssshhhhh.
- Caw! Caw! - You're making no sense.
Look, all I know is if you don't think there's some grade-A
freaky deaky stuff going on in Fairview, you're naive.
Hey, champ. What you reading?
Sexts. What do you want?
Well, you know how we haven't really talked
since that one time I drove you home from preschool?
I was thinking you could take a day off from school
and hang out with me at work.
The only thing better than sex and vaping
is shadowing Fairview's Public Works Director.
Thanks, but I'm not interested in watching you spend
your lunch hour reading the side of a mac and cheese box
in the break room of a municipal building.
For sure. If you change your mind,
you can usually find me in my bedroom, under my bed,
seeing if it's comfortable to sleep
pushing myself up into the mattress.
You hear that, church?
There's an ocean of filth flowing under this town.
Listen closely and you can hear it.
Kssshhh, ksshhh.
Ah! Ah! Ah!
I told you. You owe me five bucks.
- No, I don't. - Well, someone does.
Mary and I tried to warn Mayor Kelly,
but she just kicked us out in the street.
Probably because she was
in a hurry to change into her orgy outfit.
- What? - Orgy outfit?
Yeah, the outfit you wear to an orgy.
Pastor Marv, didn't I once catch you buying meth
in exchange for a cheese plate stolen from backstage
- at the porn awards? - Now, we could let this ocean of filth
seep up and flood our basements, and since most of our houses
are built on pet cemeteries, spend the weekends
bagging up kitty skulls.
- Uh-huh. - Yeah.
Or we could reconnect with our morality,
our decency, and get this town on a righteous path
that avoids the part of the forest where people hump trees.
Aaah! What the hell are you two doing in my bed?
You're getting tweed all over my sheets.
We were teachings safe sex to 6 year olds outside church
and overheard the pastor pushing for a morality campaign.
As Fairview's leading scholars on ancient erotica
porking studies, we warn you that if you repress
Fairview's carnal desires, they will explode.
And...
- Pop goes the weasel. - ...pop goes the weasel.
What's the weasel in this metaphor?
Not sure, but it's going to be gross.
And it's going to lead to a very frank
conversation with the dry cleaner.
Are you two nude from the waist down?
- We run hot. - We do.
- We have medically chunky blood. - In Spain, no one wears bottoms.
- Dad? - Well, it's official.
It's not as comfortable to sleep up into the mattress.
Drake and I just did what we did because we were bored.
So maybe I could go to work with you and get some direction.
Oh, that's so wonderful to hear.
Let's go look up free computer games in case
we get my work done in 45 minutes
but still need to look busy.
I suppose it would be nice to live in a town
where you can sit on a park
bench without having to burn that pair of pants.
Or parents don't need to scream their families orders over 10 guys
at the bar watching porn on their phones at max volume.
Or Ashley isn't one faulty condom away from apologizing
to her gym teacher for her fussy newborn.
I wonder if we can revive the rigid moral self-loathing
- of the past. - Of course you can.
Fairview can be a wondrous place
with a facade of such innocence and inoffensive beauty
that no one will even bother to ask why their shoes
keep sticking to the floors. Follow me!
What a glorious day in the virtuous town of Fairview.
- Hello there, Lonny. - Ah, it's my lovely Denise.
We've been faithful to each other for over 50 years
thanks to our "swamps after dark don't count" rule.
Aw.
Looky here. It's Principal Dunlap.
Everything's going well at the school, I presume.
The students are an industrious bunch already absorbing
their nation's sexual and racial hierarchies.
- Wow! - Go, Red Hawks.
How is everything at the hospital. Dr. Thomas?
Fantastic.
All the newborns have both mothers and fathers
who are mean drunks.
Oh, and here comes Pastor Marv and Mary from the church.
- How goes it? - Oh, it's a beautiful sight.
A hundred parishioners, each one stranger than the last.
I heard two men in the bathroom.
Now, now, Mary, if we don't talk about it,
it's not happening.
- Would you like a lemonade? - What are you, 14?
- Why aren't you married yet? - Sorry.
Don't say sorry. Find a G.I. on shore leave
and trap him into proposing.
Oh, what a wonderful world Fairview was.
- And could be again. - That's the sex negative spirit.
Do you think you'll catch a bouquet standing here?
It's vital that Fairview's moral fiber
doesn't look gross under a black light.
So we thought instead of gym class, let's invite
Fairview's moral leader to talk to students.
Pastor Marv, the floor is yours.
Today, you're going to learn that you need to be strong
because just about everything is a slippery slope to evil.
Someone say the first thing that pops up into their head.
- Rock. - Rock. You find a rock in the woods.
Toss it around in your hand.
Suddenly you think, "I know where this should go.
In a goose's colon."
- Whoa. - Hey, that's how easy it is
to go from innocent to evil. Someone throw something else out.
- Uh, colon. - Colon, hm.
Find the colon in the woods. Toss it around in your hand.
Suddenly you think, "I know where this should go.
In a goose's colon."
Why are you still surprised? Don't you get it?
Every single thing on earth could lead to deviance.
So who here is ready to walk the righteous path
of chaining themselves to a radiator
while pouring ice cubes down their underpants?
Wow. You all are lost. Mary, get the thing.
- What's the thing? - Oh, you'll see.
If you're allergic to pork guts,
wear a shower cap over your whole head.
I can't believe I've been your daughter my entire life
and you've never dragged me to work with you.
So what do you do all day?
Well, when you're public works director,
every day is different.
Yesterday, I played computer pinball for 10 straight hours
and went to the restroom 36 times.
Cool way to spend your life.
Today, I'm doing my part to make Fairview more virtuous
by sealing off its seedy underbelly.
For example, that alleyway right there.
Yeah. I'll probably throw a gate on there.
Not sure what size. You coming?
To watch you measure bricks?
I thought you were trying to drive me away from drugs.
Come on, it'll be fun.
Sometimes I measure in millimeters and pretend I'm in France.
Oh, this is a level of sadness I am not going to miss.
Everyone looks really nervous.
I just want to say that what's
behind this curtain is no big deal.
It's just the eternal fate that awaits the sinners.
It's not real. Just the little Hollywood magic.
But it will be real if you don't stay righteous
by spending an hour before bedtime screaming
at your genitals that they're bad.
Now, which one of you kids is ready to give up sin
and just say no to nymphomania?
Me! Me! Me!
Don't forget, the church is sponsoring a nice,
wholesome dance right here tomorrow night.
And we want everyone in Fairview to attend
and prove you don't have to enjoy yourself to have fun.
♪ Repress them feelings, got to stuff 'em in the trash ♪
♪ Fill it with every godforsaken thought you've ever had ♪
♪ Stuff it till the atoms split, don't worry about the bag ♪
♪ Stuff them dirty feelings in the trash ♪
♪ The human mind is gross as hell ♪
♪ Filled with deviant unspeakable sin ♪
♪ Stop worrying about that glowing trash bag ♪
♪ Our minds are not a deep, black, dirty hole ♪
♪ Filled with boobies, doobies and jizz ♪
Yeah! Everybody!
♪ Repress them feelings, gotta stuff them in the trash ♪
So how are you going to affix a gate to brick?
I'll install anchor bolts here and here.
I just need to pick up a hammer drill
with a masonry bit from the hardware store.
Make sure those bolts are all weather metal
- so the moisture doesn't rust them. - Oh, for sure.
And nice and galvanized so they can hold the heavy gate.
And it's got to be flush at the bottom and sides
for a nice, secure foot.
Whoa. You're really getting the hang of this.
I've never felt more certain
that I really am your biological father.
Life can be so chaotic. Sometimes it's nice
just to do something simple a chimpanzee could do.
Any chance you'd want to go to that church dance?
Maybe we can, I don't know, trade catty gossip about
the craftsmanship of the gym.
I can't hear the ocean of filth anymore.
All I hear is parents and children
from all over Fairview casting off their sinful God given urges
and having nice, clean, fun.
Can I get an amen?
Amen.
Rest up, Mary, 'cause I'm going to give you
a full blown snuggle-gasm tonight.
What the fuck did you just say?
I'd say those lights up there are about 40 watts.
And what's that? A 15-inch disco ball?
Oh, for sure, and it's motor
looks like it's going at about 1 RPM.
Oh, for sure.
Hey, Dad, is it cool if I go dance with Drake?
Ashley, I trust you, so have at it.
And if you get a better read
on the disco ball motor RPMs, let me know.
Oh, for sure.
Yeah, you know, the gym was built in 1982,
and because of the moisture over time,
the wood boards expanded and created some tension
and inevitable cracks.
I'd recommend that solid reno job.
Get some nice 3-inch planks in here, sand them down.
Leave room for that seasonal expansion,
especially with the weather the way it's been.
You know, as far as varnish goes...
Babe, I'm always down for varnish talk, like...
But do you really like this stuff, or are you just
- repressing the real you? - This is the real me.
Want to go fool around and talk about wattage?
Whoo-whee! I'd say this night is
a confirmed victory over sin!
Gonna be some wholesome, missionary style
procreation tonight.
I'm so sorry to do this, but I lost my phone again.
Oh, golly. Here we go again.
Let me just flip on the lights here.
Wait! We've been repressing natural
urges in Fairview for days.
- People can't stay repressed forever. - Of course they can!
And I'm sure they're repressing those urges right now.
Not on snuggle-gasm night! Nooo!
Ashley, I'm very proud of you
for not partaking in that debauchery.
On a more exciting note, did you get a better read
on that disco ball motor?
Nope. I was too busy feeling lame.
Apparently teenagers aren't super
into discussing the best brand of band saw.
It's DeWalt, and if Drake doesn't know that,
he's not worth it.
So I was thinking, maybe after school tomorrow,
you and I could go crazy and head to the hardware store
to pick up that hammer drill and masonry bit.
Dad, I don't want to do that.
I want to hang with Drake and my friends and not make decisions
that have to take a load bearing wall into account.
I thought we had a great time today making small talk
with the glum widower who runs the saw at the lumber yard.
And you got some much needed direction out of it.
Yeah, your direction, but maybe that's not what I want.
Sounds like that fourth stair
- could use replacing. - Oh, for sure!
The other night, the church hosted a gyration free disco,
and had I not turned on the lights,
this whole town would still be there,
engaging in blasphemous gratification
beneath the cover of darkness.
Translation... God is dead.
Cover your heads because the bowels of his corpse
could go loose at any minute
and rain his excrement all over mankind.
Marv, are you sure God's dead?
He did help me find my phone.
Seeing Connie snort blow out of transient's
belly button was all the proof I needed.
Right now, there is no moral difference
between helping an old lady cross the street
and helping her shove a rocket in goose's colon.
I'd say there's a little difference.
I'm certain the goose would agree.
Anyway, everyone wave goodbye to the church.
Go ahead, wave away. Give it the finger if you want.
Because I'm burning this mother down tonight.
Sermon's over. Everyone go home.
What has gotten into you?
I think I'm making more sense than I ever have.
Then the snuggle tunnel is closed indefinitely.
Hey, Beef, how big you think that TV is?
I'd say about 46 inches.
Why are you making conversation with me? Am I dying?
I'm just trying to connect with my child.
Do you think the TV is an LED or an OLED?
I don't know what the hell you're up to, Dad,
but you better knock it off, or I'm telling mom.
So it's a crime for me to ask my son
if he thinks the resolution is 1080p?
Mom! Dad's trying to bond with me!
Todd, knock it off! You know Beef's a lost cause!
Bond with Ashley like we talked about!
I tried, but I guess spackling cracks in the plaster of
the senior rec center just isn't cool enough for our little girl.
Ah, I can't murder chicken mercenaries
trying to liberate a CIA black site when you're crying!
I really thought Fairview could become a town
where the motels charge by the hour
instead of by the headboard slams against the drywall.
We'll never be as wholesome as the past.
The past wasn't that wholesome.
Fairview may have had a clean facade,
but it covered an asbestos layer of depravity.
Follow me.
Welcome to the so-called virtuous town of Fairview.
- Hello, there, Lonny. - Greetings.
He used to decide my medications with a doctor
without my knowledge or consent.
Someone finally saw me squirting mustard on a hot dog sized
benzos pill and called authorities.
Ew!
And looky here, it's Principal Dunlap.
Everything as messed up as ever at the school?
We just let go of a teacher on the suspicion
that he was unmarried.
- Yikes! - And how are the horrors
at the hospital, Dr. Thomas?
Our abortion counselor is actually just a gun toting
- nun running for Congress. - Oh!
Don't listen to Lonny. The past was way more deviant.
If you think "Euphoria" is a symbol of moral degradation,
wait till you hear about America dropping nukes
- on two civilian cities. - Yikes!
We need this town to know that Fairview's morality,
if anything, is healthier than it's ever been.
Help! Pastor Marv is about to burn down the church!
Do it! Do it! Do it!
People of Fairview, I've seen you for who you really are,
which is why I will burn down this church and replace it with
an off track betting pub with a salad bar
featuring every flavor of edible underwear.
And now for the traditional church burn down countdown.
One, two, three...
- Wait! - You're too late, Mayor Kelly.
Unless you want to be first in line
for lime flavored crotchless boxers,
in which case, you're way too early.
Moral anarchy has not come to Fairview.
It's always been here. We just hid it really well before.
And now we're more comfortable talking about it than ever.
And doesn't it bring us closer to know that we all have
the same gross ideas gyrating around in our heads?
Kelly is right. The past was pretty messed up.
If anything, we should be applauding those kids
for practicing safe sex and not being responsible
for any nuclear holocausts.
Oh, God, everyone, please stop looking at me.
So, what do you say, Pastor Marv?
Has your faith been restored in Fairview?
I guess the more open the depravity,
the better I can see it and the harsher I can judge it.
I love being judgey! Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum!
You don't have to worry about me catching anyone
engaging in a deviant attack in church anymore.
I've taken away Mary's phone.
If you want to get ahold of her, I don't know what to tell you.
And I'm proud to say that we have finished
the lengthy, grueling process of peeling the condoms
off the basketball court in the high school gym.
And next year, we will not turn on the lights.
Hooray!
Sorry about trying to change you into something you weren't.
I'm sorry for being so hard on you.
I know you were doing your best to clear
the shockingly low bar we set for fatherhood.
Oh, for sure.
So if you're not going to be like your dad,
- then who are you going to be? - I'm not sure yet.
Maybe I'm just finding myself
and part of that is testing the limits of what feels good,
what feels right, and what will definitely give me a UTI.
I know I'm just your lame old dad,
but if you have any questions, feel free to ask.
And though I might not know the answer,
the glum lumber yard widower surely will.
Got the hammer drill with the masonry bit. You coming?
To watch you measure bricks, maybe for old times sake.
So is that masonry bit a quarter inch?
- Oh, for sure. - Oh, for sure.
Good day.
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