First semester's coming to an end,
and your boy is already makin' a name for himself.
Junior! My man.
Yo.
And it's been pretty eventful.
I got snatched up by a secret society,
I had a run-in with the cops,
and I got caught with my ass out...
... for the second time
by my sister.
I also got close with Annika.
Junior, of course I like you.
I knew it.
Well, close enough to get friend-zoned.
But I'm seeing someone.
You are?
Which I'm cool with.
You know, Superman and Wonder Woman, they're friends.
Look at all the good they do.
- 'Sup, Junior. - 'Sup.
Come through.
Bet.
Looking good, Junior.
Thanks...
Girl I Don't Know.
Anyway, all I gotta do is get through my finals,
and Andre Johnson Jr. has officially survived
his first semester of college unscathed.
Please don't let this be
another weird frat thing.
What the hell?
Yo.
Wow.
I would've thought making the D List would come
with a crown or a championship belt.
I'm sorry. The D List?
What are you talking about?
- You don't know? - No.
Junior, your junk is the talk of the school.
Oh, God.
Between you and me,
you should be really pumped that these aren't shrimp.
Mm, not bad.
A little acidic for my taste, but I've endured worse.
What is it, Guatemalan roast?
Uh, closing shift's pot thrown in the microwave,
but I'm happy it's working for you.
- Mm. - Yo.
Do you guys know if the kitchen here
will take unsolicited eggplants?
I don't want these to go to waste,
and I already got rejected from our local food banks.
Dude, are you okay?
No, no, I am not okay.
I'm on the "Cal U D List."
I almost made it through the first semester,
but now I'm gonna have to transfer to a state school
that they advertise on "Blue Bloods" episodes.
Do you think they let Black people into Arizona now,
- or is that a myth? - Whoa, man, easy, alright?
Yeah, I mean, I gotta give it to you.
I didn't really take you for a F buddy.
More of a cuddle buddy... buddy.
Yeah, I don't think you understand what this means.
Okay? When it comes to the List...
The List has been objectifying Cal U men
since before we even got here.
Grading us, evaluating us,
and treating us like hunks of meat.
Now, your chances of hooking up with co-eds after that?
Nearly impossible.
- And for some, could be even worse. - Mm-hmm.
Take Chad Filipan. No stars.
Just a two-word review
that he'll never be able to live down.
"Spoon Dong."
Poor little Chad.
- It hurts. - It does.
Anyways, what'd they give you?
Three stars? Three and a half?
Five stars.
Wait, wait, wait.
The highest we've ever heard was four and three-quarters,
and that kid was the heir to the Bisquick empire.
I remember that kid.
It's not fair.
God's not supposed to give with both hands.
But, yo, not that we're comparing or anything,
but back in my day, four stars meant something.
Yeah. It's like different eras of the NBA.
Sure, guys today, they're a little more athletic,
but the older generation had the fundamentals,
so you can't really compare, you know?
Anyway, it's not about me, it's about you,
and it's about your anatomy.
And no one's calling it a piece of flatware,
so just chill, man.
Go out there, enjoy your reputation.
Wait, wait, wait.
Who'd you even hook up with to get on the list?
Great question.
Yeah, I don't kiss and tell.
Hmm.
I don't kiss and tell.
Never have.
I never told anyone about Katie Hansen.
Or Keisha Emerson.
Or Michelle Lewis,
who used way too much tongue, by the way.
But of course my only sneaky link puts me on blast.
Yo, Kiela.
Uh, first off, you look very nice today.
Classy, but not trying too hard. You're really pulling it off.
Second, why did you put my name on that list?
Okay. Can you just relax and enjoy the ride?
No. No, I cannot relax, because I'm being objectified.
People are talking about my TT.
I did not ask for any of this.
Sorry, but, um, women didn't ask to be objectified
through all of human history, either.
You know, when the list first started,
it was a flyer posted around campus
where men would rate women on their performance?
"Jennifer Huff... Worth every penny
she'll have you spend on her."
"Dominique Nelson... a great time!"
"Carol Munson... two paper bags needed."
But one day, a group of women remixed the list
and turned the objectification spotlight on men.
"Ron Maddox... ride of your life,
but don't ask for full sentences."
"M Young... if looks could kill, he'd be dead."
"Austen Boyd-Stevens... rich boys can't buy size."
To me, this list is about taking back power,
and I'm proud to carry on the tradition.
Women walk through this campus
expecting to take part in the college hookup culture
but are being judged when they do.
Now men know just, like, a little bit of what that's like.
So, um, welcome to your ho phase, Junior,
should you choose to accept it.
So, what was your TA saying?
Okay. My TA basically told me...
Breaking news!
Our boy Junior just made the top of the D List.
- Oh, I'm well aware. - What?
He's spiraling as we speak.
What's the D List?
Is that what we're calling the Dean's List now?
Because I have a 4.0.
Oh, oh, oh, shield your ears, pretty girl,
'cause, um, this conversation is for adults only.
But, um, yeah, five stars.
I didn't think he had it in him. Hey!
You guys, this reminds me,
I've been meaning to talk to you about something.
So, I think Junior might be right.
Maybe... Maybe we are more than friends.
Wow, what a crazy coincidence, despite any recent news.
Serendipitous.
No, guys, come on.
I've been thinking about this for a while now.
Look, we're always talking about how we want stand-up,
- chivalrous men... - This "Bridgerton" bitch...
See, this is why I don't get sprung.
Wow.
That was really good.
Oh, yeah, I don't do that. It's, uh, not for me.
Do you, um, have class soon, or... ?
Um... oh!
Oh, my Go... I'm so sorry.
It's cool, it's cool.
She was just, uh, about to leave.
Okay.
I have not regained control of my legs yet.
- Nice. - Nice.
- Junior... out. - Yeah.
It messes with your neurons.
I'm not sprung.
But, I mean, he did give up The Crest for me, guys.
Mm-hmm.
Um, yeah, and you dying to give it up for him.
I'm not dying to give up anything.
I'm just thinking about things.
Can't a girl think about things?
Damn.
You guys...
That girl is dizzy for the D.
Ha ha!
Oh!
D List!
Oh.
Mm.
I gotta say, it's kinda hard to try and study economic theory
when everyone in your class
is looking at you like a piece of meat.
Any questions so far?
_
Maybe this ain't so bad.
_
So, guys... Guys, guys, I need everyone's attention.
Uh, something weird is going on.
Do you remember back in 2014 when Tesla first came out
and everybody was going crazy to get on the waiting lists?
And if you did have a Tesla, you were super cool
because it had the falcon-wing doors,
it could drive itself, you could play "Tetris" in traffic...
Junior, land the plane.
- Yes, yes, yes. Land the plane. - Okay. Thank you.
So, the point is... Excuse me...
I think I'm a 2014 Tesla.
Putting me on this D List, it got me all this attention.
Sexually.
Which is crazy, because normally,
I'm a reliable family wagon with third-row seating
and a great J.D. Power safety rating.
God, even I would sleep with him to get him to shut up.
Yeah, uh, that D List definitely put a scarlet letter on you.
- Yeah. - That "A" is for ass.
- Mm-hmm. - You know?
Yeah. I... I guess I've just...
I've never been objectified in this way before.
And I don't know if I totally hate it.
Does that make me a bad person?
I mean, I try not to judge anyone, but, yes.
- What? - 100%.
Look, there is nothing wrong
with catching a bunch of yams from random girls on campus.
I just don't think anything can compare to a loving relationship
with someone who really knows you.
Like a friend who you really enjoy spending time with
that might not be in this room.
Don't listen to 7th Heaven.
One person's objectification
is another person's sexual liberation.
Look at Megan Fox, Cardi B, City Girls, Lil Nas X.
Yeah, but is that really what you want?
Look, bro, don't worry about any of that.
Your junk is made of 2018 Bitcoins right now,
and it's time to cash out.
Hmm.
Retain my dignity or have my own personal Freaknik.
You know what?
The next set of yams that comes on this device,
Junior's having Thanksgiving dinner.
Ooh! There it is.
_
Ooh. Okay.
- Mm-hmm. - Eat up, Junior.
You better finish your plate.
I've got a problem.
I think I might be sprung.
You? With Yazmine?
- No. - Yes.
You just started hooking up.
How do you know?
Yazmine, Yazmine, Yazmine, Yazmine, Yazmine, Yazmine.
Aah!
Everything okay?
Do you serve alcohol?
Yeah. That sounds extremely sprung.
Shit. I can't be sprung.
I have two finals next week that are literally
gonna make or break my GPA, and I cannot concentrate.
If it's any comfort,
you're not the only one battling sprung fever.
Et tu, bitch?
Anything you need drilled, ma'am?
I'm sorry, what?
I said get out of the way!
I almost fell down the sewer.
There is something wrong with us.
- Yeah. - Okay, maybe we can be each other's support systems.
- Mm-hmm. - Next time you feel weakness,
you reach out to me to keep you strong.
Right. And instead of obsessing over them, we support each other.
No more texting them.
No more stalking them on socials,
no more thinking about them, and definitely no more lingering
- in their intoxicating huckleberry scent. - Right.
Stay with me.
See? I feel better already.
- Yes. Okay. - Yeah.
Since I have you, um,
I'm wondering if you could delete some pics for me.
I'm just... I'm not strong enough.
Give it.
Okay.
Don't judge, just delete.
It's amazing what some twinkle lights,
a couple of fuzzy pillows from Zaara's side of the room,
and a spritz of Drake's cologne in the air
can do to turn a dorm into the ultimate love nest.
Wow.
Cristy, um, come in.
Uh, so, I do have some playlists.
I've got some smooth jazz, classic R&B.
I've even got some industrial stuff
that sounds like a metronome, if that's...
You can play whatever you like, as long as you're ready
to give me the "Five Star" experience...
Daddy.
Uh, Daddy?
Yeah, uh, you can call me Junior.
Shh! Be quiet, "Five Star."
Less talking. Let's get these pants off.
Uh...
Wow. So, this is the "object" part of objectification.
_
- Who are you texting? - I'm fine!
- Sorry, sorry. - My bad.
I just have a lot on my mind lately.
Um, is your conquest still in the bathroom or are we alone?
Her name is Cristy, and she left.
Very satisfied, I might add.
Ew.
Thanks, but...
I don't know if I am.
There's just a lot to think about.
I thought I was cool with the idea of meaningless sex,
and I thought, as a progressive male,
I understood the nature of objectification.
But then she started calling me "Five Star," and...
I don't know. It just felt kind of weird.
Okay, look.
Are these women consenting adults?
- Of course. - Then go with it.
College is about getting out of your comfort zone.
Take a chance and try something new.
Yeah.
Maybe I'll give it a shot.
But what about Yazmine?
I... I haven't seen her around here lately.
Who?
Oh, you know, the girl I've walked in on you with multiple times.
And I can't prove it,
but I'm pretty sure you guys did it in my bed.
It smells like huckleberry over here.
So what? I like huckleberry.
It's a good scent.
I'm just saying, I know you're not a relationship person,
but maybe you can try something new, too.
Maybe. I need some advice on this.
I'm texting my sponsor.
Okay. Good talk.
Ugh.
_
Texting your friend about how horny you both are
isn't as helpful as you'd think.
Is this about Junior?
Do you want to talk about it?
Please, let us talk about it!
What is there to even talk about?
The fact that Junior got five stars.
No.
That's the last thing on my mind.
But what if I am only clocking him because he's on that list?
No. Come on.
You already thought he was boyfriend material.
Yeah.
So why are you even here?
You should be over at his dorm peeling that eggplant or...
you know, sautéing it or something.
I don't know.
I'm not with the eggplant.
Or just talk to him about how you feel.
Clothed.
You both make good points.
But I've just taken a CBD gummy,
so I'm gonna let my brain think what it thinks and sleep on it.
I think "it" is that dingaling.
But sweet dreams, honey.
Look, maybe I was overthinking everything.
But that is my nature.
I tend to overthink.
Still, I have one more thing to figure out.
Am I just a dildo?
Yeah, no, we don't need to have this conversation right now.
Kiela, you putting me on this list
has made me question who I am.
I am not just a one-night-stand kinda guy.
I grew up in a house of independent women
who taught me to respect their struggle.
I even lived with a woman for a year,
and we shared utility bills together...
Junior, what are you talking about?
Okay. I just need to honestly know.
Why'd you give me five stars?
What?
I mean, you could've given me three, four.
You could've savaged me like that Spoon Dong guy.
Um, why did I give you five stars?
I... I guess I gave it to you
because it was genuinely amazing?
It was?
Yeah. Yeah, I know, it's weird, you know?
Even though it was just a hookup,
I felt like we were both, you know, connected during it.
Like we were both there... together.
Yeah, we did make direct eye contact.
Junior, you're not a dildo,
because you care about other people.
But you also care about what they think way too much.
No, but, uh, do you really think that?
Ugh. Get out.
So...
You're into eye contact.
Oh, yeah. It is super sexy.
- Is it? - Mm-hmm, it is.
You bet it is.
Eyes are the nipples of the face.
I took that too far, didn't I?
Yeah, just a little.
But it's okay 'cause you're cute.
Thanks for the benefit, friend.
Kinda surprised you called so soon.
Mm. What can I say?
You just happened to cross my mind.
I thought intimate wasn't your vibe.
Maybe you're my vibe.
You know, when you're young, it's easy to feel like
you have no control over how people see you.
But college can be an opportunity to reinvent yourself.
So maybe I'll try something a little different.
Yo, Cristy.
What's up, Five Star?
You know what's up.
This is the official start of my ho phase.
Um, so I was thinking, you, me, later.
- I'm down. - Okay.
- Thank you. - This is my song.
- It's hard. - Yeah.
Here you go.
- Thank you, man. - Thank you.
Hey, big cheers to my brother in the eyes.
Wait. I think I know you.
Oh, dude, I've been getting that a lot.
You see, Cal U's been putting my picture all up over campus.
Urinals, bus ads... it's annoying.
No, I don't think that's it.
But I think we were there at the same time.
Do you remember me?
Chad. This is my microbrewery.
- Chad. - Chad.
Chad.
This is my microbrewery.
Do you remember me?
Take Chad Filipan. No stars.
No stars.
He'll never be able to live down...
No stars.
- Spoon Dong. - Spoon Dong.
Oh, shoot.
- I ordered sausages. - Yes.
So, you guys still keep up with the old gang or...
Spoon Dong.
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -