- Mom! - NAZ: I'm here.
Where's my little Persian princess?
Oh, shit. She's washing my shorts.
I have a very important parental task for you.
Mom, I need you to sign my permission slip
for the sophomore trip to Vancouver.
- What's this? - Vancouver is a wonderful city.
You would not believe the rain.
Everything is so wet.
- I love it. - Have you been there?
I have not, but I have walked its streets many times
on Google Earth.
Chad must go to Vancouver.
- Mm, mm. - You heard it here first.
Must go to Vancouver!
God damn it, he has my back.
- I love that man. - NAZ: I'll get to it later.
I'm getting an Oreo stain out of your cargo shorts.
Mom, it's very urgent, okay?
I need your signature on all the lines that say "signature,"
and I need my passports to bring to school on Friday
- for a spot check. - A passport?
You need it for international travel.
- Pfft. - Okay.
Um... Chad, you know how me and your dad
were going back and forth between Iran and the U.S.
- until you were 2? - Yeah.
Dad's like me... He's a mover and a shaker.
Uh-huh. Well, we don't have American passports.
Damn, okay. Reckless.
Well, should we head down to the passport store,
or is this more of a Costco trip?
It takes some time. I'm... I'm working on it, but it's...
a little bit complicated.
How is it complicated, Mom?
I'm an American citizen,
and I'm asking you to give me my American passport.
Chad, sweetie, that's what I'm trying to explain to you.
You're not an American citizen.
Yet.
♪
- Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.addic7ed.com -
Great season, everyone.
I'll see you all next year.
♪
Dude! What are you doing?!
BOY: Oh, my God.
Ferydoon eats his hot dog like a corn on the cob!
[LAUGHTER]
What's corn on the cob?
[LAUGHTER]
♪
Should we address the fact that your eyes
are a completely different color?
Not unless you have a problem with how American I look.
I know how lukewarm you are on America.
That's not true.
And what does any of that have to do
with changing your eye color?
'Cause I felt like it.
You're always going on about "my body, my choice."
Well, guess what... It's my body, and it is my choice.
Oh, my God. You're so whitewashed.
Aww. Thank you, Niki.
That was unexpected, ya little cutie.
Let me guess... You have a problem
with my American flag hoodie, as well.
I actually don't.
I think it's loud and exciting
and a little bit like, "What is going on, though?"
Niki, you should know our mom has been hiding
a deep, dark secret from us.
We are not U.S. citizens.
She's so pissed at you.
Chad, I was born 15 minutes down the street.
So, I actually am a U.S. citizen.
Oh, crap, oh, crap, oh, crap.
Niki?
The second one that came out of you
has a U.S. passport and I don't?
Yes.
Okay.
Chad...
Chad, no!
Well, we have to get a guy to fix the other one anyway!
♪
Is there anything you wanna say to me right now?
Nope.
Thank you, Peter. You're a good kid.
Good morning, everyone.
All right, let's open up to chapter four of our textbooks.
Do you mind if we actually go a few chapters
further back than that?
To when we used to say the Pledge of Allegiance
in this class every single day?
What happened to that chapter?
What's going on, Chad?
Just a little question off the dome.
Not trying to be a dick, but flag's right there,
naked as hell, waiting for us to worship her.
Actually, we haven't done that in years.
I believe it was a school-board decision.
Okay. Well, the school board can kiss my little American ass.
Chad, we're not doing this right now.
Call me crazy, but I love this country.
And I'm pretty damn proud to be a citizen inside of it.
Chad, please.
Does anyone have a problem with me
saying the Pledge of Allegiance?
Hmm.
You hear that?
It's the deafening silence of support.
Does this need to happen right now?
It absolutely does.
Does anybody wanna join me, please?
Peter?
Um...
okay.
Thank you, Peter.
I pledge... What are you... Why are you kneeling?
I don't support police brutality.
Okay. Well, I don't support that, either.
I pledge of allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America.
And to the Republicans for which I stan,
one God, totally invisible,
with liberty and Christianity for all.
Amen.
That was pretty much it, right?
I think so. I don't remember it.
[LAUGHTER ON TV]
I've got a surprise for you.
Awesome. What is it?
I got all the documents sorted
for your Vancouver field trip.
You got my passport?
No, not exactly.
But something just as good.
What the hell is this?
That's everything you need to show your teacher on Friday.
It's your resident alien paperwork.
Resident alien paperwork?
Are you kidding me?
So I-I'm not a U.S. citizen?
I'm a goddamn UFO from the planet Iran?
Yeah, I always thought that was a poor word choice.
Mom, I have spent my entire life grinding
to not be the foreign kid,
and you want me to waltz in there with a beefy-ass novel
like I'm some kind of deranged paralegal?
Honey, it's everything you need to go across the border.
It's not about the border! It's not about the trip!
It's about the moment in class
where everyone's gonna show their shiny American passports,
and I'm friggin' showing up
with a filing cabinet of documentation!
I mean, half of these pages are in Farsi!
I might as well ride in on a magic carpet!
[REMOTE CLICKS]
I'm just trying to be a goddamn American boy,
and you want me to be freakin' Aladdin from "Agargrabah."
I'm sorry, Chad.
I'm not Aladdin, Hamid.
I know.
You're not Aladdin.
♪
[THUD]
♪
Where am I?
Take this hot chocolate.
You're inside a moving car.
No, I-I know that, Hamid, but why?
It's pitch black on a school night.
You're such a gentle sleeper,
I didn't have the heart to wake you.
You looked like a human kitten.
Where are we going?
Bah bah!
Salam Farhad joon.
Perfect timing!
I was about to have dinner. Come on.
Dinner? It's 1:00 in the morning.
♪
[SPEAKING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE]
Hey, do you remember Mohsen?
Oh, I've spent more time with Mohsen
than members of my immediate family, Farhad.
And are you guys roommates?
Is this, like, a Bert and Ernie situation or what?
No, Mohsen's just chilling.
I have something for you.
Chad, you probably just think of Farhad
as a man who gossips heavily and loves to clap.
I didn't know either of those things.
Come here.
Hamid, I would love to know what's going on.
What you don't know about Farhad is,
he's a badass and a revolutionary.
Whoa.
Dang, Farhad's got, like, 13 different families.
Well, in a way.
He risked his life forging green cards
to help these people escape during the revolution.
If it weren't for Farhad, most of them
would be imprisoned, or even worse, killed.
Whoa.
He really did that?
Just out of the goodness of his heart?
My gosh.
Wait. Hamid, is that you?
Look at you. You were yoked.
I was one of the people he saved.
- You were? - Yes.
And he's coming out of retirement just for you.
Hey!
Check out this bad boy.
What is it?
He made me a passport?! You made me a passport?!
Boy, Farhad, another masterpiece.
You haven't lost your touch at all.
Oh, my gosh, thank you so much.
I mean, talk about saving lives!
Hey. Before I give it to you,
I need you to look in my eye
and promise me this is just to show your class, huh?
- Yeah, I promise. - He's serious, Chaddy.
This is just to show your class
so you don't look like a child loser.
Yeah, I swear. I'll only use it to fit in.
Yes, it's just for fitting in.
Fitting in! Fitting in.
- Fitting in! - Don't do that.
- ♪ La, la-la-la, la ♪ - You guys...
BOTH: ♪ Fitting in ♪
♪ La, la-la-la la ♪
- What? - ♪ Fitting in ♪
♪ La, la-la-la, la, fitting in ♪
You guys, this has just got so Persian so fast.
Alexa, play Googoosh!
ALEXA: Here's some music by Googoosh on Amazon Music.
Wait. What are you do...
Why are you getting Alexa involved?
[MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]
- Eh! - What?
There's just a lady here now with a to-go plate?
She's Mohsen's girlfriend, and she's a wonderful dancer!
Alexa, volume 10!
- H... Volume 10... - Okay.
How many people live in this home?!
♪
Time to flash this puppy for the field trip.
I almost forgot mine.
Oh, crap, Ethan. Oh, my God.
Yours is all banged up and... holy shit...
chock-full of stamps.
Can I have my passport back, please?
So many stamps.
If everyone can pull out their passports
and pass them up to the front of the class...
Wait. What?
W-Why are we passing them up?
I thought you were just gonna look at them.
Remember?
You guys, are we just gonna hand over our passports
to Mr. Henderson?
Yeah, Chad. He's our teacher.
This is complete identity fraud waiting to happen, you guys.
Chad, no one wants to steal your identity. You're a child.
Then what the hell are you gonna do with these?
It's a photocopy. It's not a big deal.
- It's for the consulate. - Chad, is everything okay?
- [SIGHS] - No, I can't...
I... Wait, hold on. I...
Really quick! I just can't.
Quick for what? Chad, let go.
Chad, I need your passport! Do you want to go?
Do you want to go on the trip or not?
I d-o-o-o.
Thank you.
[SIGHS]
I'm going to the bathroom!
♪
Chad, what's going on?
It's not safe in here.
We got to go in a stall.
Please tell me...
Is this about your baby-blue contacts?
They don't look good on you at all.
You look like a purebred husky.
Fine. I'll take the stupid contacts out.
- Thank you. - Ugh! God damn it!
I have Hot Cheeto dust on my fingers, and it burns!
[GRUNTS]
I'm only doing one!
Oh, God, that's so much worse.
I have some pretty hard-core news to share with you, Peter.
I'm not a citizen of the United States.
Well, that makes sense.
You were born in Tehran, and obtaining citizenship
does take a decent amount of time.
Well, I'm glad to see you're taking this so well.
I've been absolutely devastated for the last two days.
- Mm. - Okay.
So, the point is, Hamid and Farhad
just completely made me a fake passport,
and I accidentally just turned it in.
So tell me... How serious is that, legally speaking?
Oh, my God. I think that might actually be a felony.
Okay. But it's not like felonies are sometimes...
Like, yeah, sometimes they're bad,
but sometimes they're not bad.
Chad, you gotta get that passport back!
Stop yelling at me!
You're right. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
♪
- [DOOR SLAMS] - Shit!
♪
Peter.
♪
[SIGHS]
Oh, god damn it, Peter!
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
- [GASPS] - [DOOR OPENS]
♪
- [BABAK CHIRPS] - Yes, it is time.
Time for your bath.
Hamid, I did something really bad,
and I need to tell you right now.
Chaddy, it's Babak's bath time. What's wrong?
Please put that goddamn Q-Tip down.
I tried to use the passport for fitting in, like you said,
and then Mr. Henderson took it, and I tried to get it back,
and then I panicked, and then, look...
I ended up stealing everyone's passports!
[GASPS] Oh, God,
that's so many more passports
than I pictured when you said it just now.
I don't know what to do!
- I will turn myself in. - No!
This was my idea, and, therefore, it is my fault.
First, I will finish Babak's Q-Tip sponge bath.
Then I will wait till your mother gets home.
Then I will cook dinner for everyone, obviously.
Make sure everyone eats some fesenjoon,
maybe a little sabzi polo.
Then I will drive myself right down
to the police station.
Hamid, you can't! I won't let you do that!
Your words will not stop me.
I have to do what is right.
And who knows?
Maybe a mine like me will thrive in the American prison system.
I love a community.
Oh, God.
♪
[CASH REGISTER DINGS]
[CELL DOOR SLAMS]
♪
Oh, my God.
♪
I know we barely ever talk, Misha,
but you're the goddamn light of my life,
and don't you forget it!
♪
_
♪
No. No!
[SIGHS]
Shit! Shit! Shit!
♪
[SIRENS WAILING]
♪
Chad? What's going on? Why did you want me to come here?
I wanted to say goodbye to you, Peter.
In the most American place I could think of.
You didn't return the passports?
I couldn't.
Hamid was gonna turn himself in, so I stole the passports,
and now I have to run away forever.
Probably gonna live off the land somewhere.
I hope hunting isn't hard.
That's surprisingly selfless of you.
Hey, if they ever make a biopic about my tragic life,
will you please make sure someone really cool
like Dave Franco plays me?
I would actually love for it to be him specifically.
I don't know if I'll be totally involved in the production,
but I'll try.
Thanks.
I guess this is goodbye.
Where are you gonna go?
I don't know.
I'll just wander off.
Maybe even start my own little country.
Call it Chad.
There's already a country called Chad, so...
[LAUGHS] Can you imagine?
That'd be hilarious.
Chad, it's not too late to fix this.
I'll help you turn them in.
Yes, yes.
It'll be that simple, okay?
Not simple.
Chad...
What does it matter, anyway?
No matter how hard I try, I'm...
always gonna be seen as Ferydoon from Iran.
I don't fit in anywhere.
I-I'm too Persian to be American,
and I'm too American to be Persian.
I...
I'm lost!
That's not true.
You're the most American boy I know.
You're just saying that 'cause you adore me.
It doesn't matter what it says on your passport.
You're American.
You love hot dogs, you love watching reality TV,
you have this incredible drive
to be famous for whatever reason...
I'm just tryna get that blue checkmark by my name.
You think you're always right even when there's
overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
You wear flip-flops on planes...
Oh, and you don't trust any salads that aren't iceberg.
My God, Peter, when you put it like that,
I am the most American boy, huh?
Peter...
Mm?
I think I know what I need to do.
♪
- MR. HENDERSON: And that's why imperialism... - I'd like permission to speak, please.
Um... Mr. Henderson.
Chad, we're in the middle of a lesson.
Well, that's perfect,
'cause I have my own little lesson for all of you.
Take a seat. [SIGHS]
Sure.
I, Chad Amani,
am not a U.S. citizen.
Go ahead. Make your little insults,
sneer your little sneers.
I bet some of you think it's disgusting
I'm from a different country.
Uh, Kendall was born in England.
Cry me a river. That's one of the white ones.
I was born in Guadalajara.
Can everyone stop talking while I'm talking... Theo?
Please.
Mm-hmm.
The point is, it actually makes me pretty damn American
to not be from America.
Yeah, I bet you don't even know this,
but some of your grandparents
are even from different kinds of places.
How's that for a mind freak?
Everybody knows that, bro.
The interruptions have got to stop, Theo!
We... We cannot just be the two brown kids going at each other.
I simply won't do it.
It's not just boring-ass regulars like your grandparents,
but famous people, too.
Ryan Reynolds... not American.
Seth Rogen... not American.
The Hemsworthseses... not American.
The point is, I stole all of your passports.
What?
Chad, why would you do that?!
That's illegal!
I don't know.
But I'm an American boy, and I'm gonna keep on shinin'!
[CHANTING] U.S.A.!
U.S.A.! Come on, everybody!
[CHANTING] U.S.A.! U.S.A. Thanks, Peter!
- TOGETHER: U.S.A.! - No, no, no, no.
Come on! U.S.A.! No.
U.S.A.! Oh, my God.
U.S.A.! U.S...
♪ Boys, all you boys ♪
♪ Think you're so American ♪
♪ Girls, all you girls ♪
♪ Yeah, you're so American ♪
♪ There's two eyes for every one of us ♪
♪ But somebody got there first and took them all ♪
♪ There's two eyes for every one of us ♪
♪ But somebody got there first and took them all ♪
♪
- Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.addic7ed.com -