Thanks, Logan.
Helen!
Nice v-neck "Cardi", Gwen.
- It's my roommate's. - Keep it.
Save me a sample of that pluot, Steve,
or I'll have to wring your neck.
That's my loaf.
An 85 rating?
I don't drink anything less than a 93.
How could you not have
a more expensive bottle of organic wine for me?
Special occasion, Margo?
Or just a little something to keep in your purse?
No, we're celebrating.
Kent came through again.
He generated parks funding for the college
by reclassifying the weeds in the courtyard
as "green space."
What? But that was Gerald's idea.
Oh, I don't think so.
The chancellor specifically thanked Kent for it.
Gerald, you should be getting credit for your ideas,
and we should be celebrating
with a ridiculously overpriced bottle of organic wine.
The chancellor needs to know how important you are here.
I'm sure he does. Kent says he tweets
the chancellor about me constantly.
Uh, Gerald, I'm on my way to la bouche for lunch.
Got any plans? Oh, well, thank you, Kent, but Helen and I--
Cancel it. I need you to write up an idea
for me to present to the chancellor.
Make it super boffo. Chop-chop.
Yes, yes.
Now we'll both be happier if you pretend you didn't hear that.
Give it up, goode.
This chamois will make that bike shine as bright
as the rhinestones on Waylon Jennings' coffin.
Ray, I could never justify using tanned animal hide
in order to clean my bicycle.
My goodness.
Dad, I thought maybe, just maybe,
I could play off these sav big! Jeans you bought me
as a kind of hip, retro-folkie thing.
I couldn't.
Yeah, kids can be cruel,
especially when it comes to butt-ugly clothes like that.
I like these. Velcro fly rocks.
I saw this really hot pair of El Prado jeans
at urban taboo, and--
Now, now, Bliss, there's no need to splurge on pricey pants.
Those sav big! Jeans are just as good.
Their seams are hot glued for extra strength.
When I was your age, all I wanted was
a pair of purple and yellow high-top Dr. J's.
My parents would only buy me shoes from the dime store.
Dime store shoes? So I got a job.
A job? Of course! I can make my own money.
I don't know.
A job? It seems so conservative.
Finally, I'll buy real jeans
and real detergent to wash them in.
When I'm hungover, I just ramble.
Put on a pot of our strongest black tea, Helen.
Kent needs his ideas a.s.a.p.
It's going to be an all-nighter.
Gerald, what would you say if I told you
that you could give your ideas straight to the chancellor?
That-- that's an interesting idea, Helen.
Let's run that by Kent. Not anymore. Forget that. As a matter of fact,
I already called the chancellor's assistant,
said I was Kent's secretary,
had her access the chancellor's desk calendar,
create an opening and set up our dinner.
Now we can topple the existing power structure
and catapult you all the way to the top!
Your satisfied expression is all the thanks I need.
Captioned by closed captioning services, inc.
The Goode family
You went over Kent's head
and planned this covert dinner with the chancellor?
You know how I feel about covert things.
Gerald, it's done.
And don't worry. Kent's not going to find out.
Once we have this dinner,
you'll finally get credit for your brilliance.
Don't you see? You win, the chancellor wins,
and most importantly, the college wins.
Well, that is a lot of winning.
Come look at this One Earth web site.
Here are the 34 things you need
to throw an impressive dinner party.
Ugh. Can't we just write down those steps
and buy everything at Sav Big!?
I'm a loyal One Earth customer. I signed the loyalty oath.
Mr. Heelo, sir?
Do you happen to have any job openings... Sir?
We're always looking to expand our one earth family,
and since our policy doesn't allow me
to ask any "discriminatory" questions, you're hired.
Here's your vest.
You can expect great pay, free lunch,
discounts to other stores,
concert tickets before they go on sale--
I got to see Maroon 5, and I met 4 of them backstage. Whoa.
Whoa, indeed. I just need your driver's license
so we can start filling out the paperwork.
Oh. Well, I don't have one yet.
I'm still 15.
You have to be 16 to work here. The law's the law.
Yeah, you can't be 15.
Too bad we weren't born on the same day,
or you'd be 16 already.
You're 16? You're hired.
First order of business-- Hit the break room,
get on the game station and make yourself an icon.
But he likes his jeans.
After you get the votives, go to the magazine rack
and grab anything with these words on the cover--
"biodynamic," "tipping point," "ecuador."
Your grown-up dinner sounds so exciting.
I've never been invited to one before.
And even though i'm not invited to this one,
i'm honored just to be a part of it.
Helen!
The "One Earth guide to entertaining"?
You're entertaining?
How courageous.
Who could you be entertaing?
Nobody.
Um, this book is a gift... For Penny.
Whoa! I'm gotta get it wrapped.
I'd better help her.
Sometimes she gets tape in her hair.
Ooh, wheatgrass samples.
Just the boost I need.
It doesn't matter that you're 15.
Here at the youth action team, we empower you to work for yourself.
Think you can handle that? Yes, sir. I don't know what you do or what you want me to do,
but I'm ready for the challenge.
Now you have to make them believe
that if they don't buy these chocolate turtles,
you're gonna get on drugs and/or join a gang.
How much can I make?
That depends on you. You can make up to 100k a year
and work as little as an hour a day.
Now the key is to make the customer just worried enough
that you may come back and rob them if they don't buy,
but not worried enough to actually call the police.
I suggest wearing a do-rag.
That's the last time I listen
to a guy who says, "follow me to my warehouse full of candy."
I'm hosting a very important dinner, Shelly.
Are bamboo serving spoons still in?
Mm, no. It turns out bamboo uses a lot of water.
Try these salad tongs.
They're made from recycled awareness bracelets.
That'll be $83.52.
Excuse me, ma'am,
I need you to step oline and come with me. What? Why?
No more talking, ma'am.
Is this a jail? Let's focus here, ma'am.
Why did you shoplift this cup of wheatgrass juice?
What? Oh, gosh. I thought that was a sample.
We have footage.
Um, okay. I mean, I admit that-- watch the monitor.
Here's your premeditation,
here's your crime, and here's your lack of remorse.
Yes, I know I drank the wheatgrass. Look into my lens, please.
Ubuntu, please come to the backroom. Ubuntu.
Why are you calling my son? And why is my picture
on that wall with all those other...
Mug shots? Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the premises.
But I have a dinner to put on.
How long do I have to leave for? Forever. You're banned from one earth.
What?
Ubuntu, I'm gonna need you
to escort said perpetrator out the door.
Forever?
Bye, mom.
I know I'm guilty of degrading the planet
and depleting its resources by being alive,
but I am not a thief.
Boo-hoo. You got kicked out of a store.
I got kicked out of our house when you were 12.
Didn't see you crying then.
Okay, the only work I'm allowed to do is farmwork,
i'll be picking cumbers in the hot, searing sun. Hydrate.
Okay, wear some sunscreen.
Helen, we'll all miss One Earth, but I need you to focus
on the dinner with the chancellor.
But I can't without One Earth.
Yes, you can. Look at this as a fantastic opportunity
to take advantage of sav big's! low, low prices.
And their products are just as good.
No sav big!. One earth is a lifestyle,
and I'll just go to carbondale to experience it.
It's over, Helen.
I'm so glad there are laws to protect me
from having a job with air-conditioning.
We got a mumbler?
No.
Are those sav big! Jeans?
I need to speak to your CEO.
What? Yes, I have been recently banned.
So, Ubuntu, what happened at One Earth today?
The usual stuff - new apples from Austria,
a spanish guitarist came and played.
What were the soups? Tell me about the soups, Ubuntu.
Uh, I've told you too much already.
There you are, Helen.
I see no prep or pre-prep
for this dinner party you connived us into.
Enough is enough. Now you know what we have to do
and where we have to do it.
You're gonna love sav big!'s produce section.
Everything's half the price, twice the size
and just as good.
Yeah, yeah. Everything's "just as good."
Let's get this over with.
Ah, volume.
Okay, I'll snag us a card.
Now, Helen, we're here to shop for the dinner.
Next trip, you can take advantage
of the haircuts and eye exams.
"Just as good"?
That's their house brand?
And it's really called "just as good"?
Uh-huh. Hey, look, they have a big board, too.
Maybe they have some fun ideas for entertaining.
Yo! Would you like to buy candy
to help keep kids like me off drugs?
Got any mike and ikes?
No. Have fun in rehab.
Why can't I get a decent job until I'm 16?
How is it protecting me to hustle candy,
breath pesticides, not get bathroom breaks?
I just want a decent pair of jeans.
You know, when I was just a little older than you,
there was one thing I wanted
more than anything in this world - to go to Vietnam.
As, like, a tourist?
No, to fight. But I was only 17,
so I told them I was 18.
Six weeks later,
I was in country with my very own machine gun.
You mean, you lied? And you can, too.
These bags aren't ringing up.
Those are my reusable shopping bags.
For conservation.
Oh, and don't forget your sav big! Membership card.
You're one of us now.
Come on, helen. The dinner is tomorrow.
We need to steep the legumes.
I want my couch back.
Nothing on TV seems funny from this angle.
Why is mom in a fetal position?
Well, your mom has not been herself since the banning.
We just need to snap her out of her funk.
Pop up like toast, Helen. Come on. You can't just give up.
I don't know how to throw an underhanded business dinner,
but you do.
Mom looks broken. She is, Ubuntu.
I can try to braid her hair.
No. There's only one way to fix your mother.
I'm getting her back into One Earth.
Didn't think a guy in shorts could look so determined.
$13.95 for peanut, but...
All right. Stay focused, Gerald.
Mr. Heelo, my wife was unfairly banned
from the entire One Earth chain, and you need to let her back in.
Sorry. She's in the system.
Nothing I can do once they're in the system.
Uh, not to gender-type, but you know how women can be,
and my wife, behind my back, invited my boss' boss over
for a schmoozy business dinner.
And you'll like this part--
She's convinced that she can't do it without One Earth.
You know how it is. So she lies to you and steals from me?
She does not sound like an ideal customer.
Ha! Huh! Ha! Hee! Kent...
Gah! You won't believe what Gerald Goode did.
He invited the chancellor over to his house for dinner!
What? Goode went over my head? It was Helen's sneaky plan
so Gerald could get credit for his own ideas.
It shouldn't be about the credit.
I've told him that 100 times. Don't worry.
Helen's been banned from One Earth.
At least her dinner will be a sheer disaster. No! I can't have that.
The chancellor could end up firing him.
Then I'll lose all my good ideas!
Well, maybe you could come up with your own ideas.
Oh, god. We have to save this dinner.
Would anybody like to sign a petion to boycott One Earth?
Helen's never gettin' off that couch.
Oh, hello, Margo, Kent. We're...
Why'd you go over my head?
Gerald, if you'd just asked me,
I would have agreed to share credit for your ideas.
Really? Wow. I'm so sorry.
We're past this, boys.
Right now, everyone here has to do whatever it takes
to get Helen back into One Earth. I got it!
Free Helen Goode!
That was the last of my one Earth ylang-ylang soap.
Ubuntu can bring home another one.
No. This is who we are now.
I'm so sorry.
I did everything I could to get you back in there.
It's not your fault. I have to learn to let go.
Where's that barrel of tissues we bought?
I wish I could help mom.
Ubuntu, I never wanted it to come to this.
We've always tried to teach you core ethical values
and that the ends never justify the means.
I know that. Good. As long as you understand that,
turn around, go to work and do whatever is necessary
to get your mother back into One Earth.
Mom, ban over.
Over?
Worked at all the biggies - Riverlake mall,
Parkside Promenade, Hoover galleria.
Now I'm looking for a midsize mall.
I feel that's where my strengths are.
Wow! You're hired.
Go grab anything you like off the rack.
Our inventory tracking system is very sloppy.
Ma'am, I'm gonna need you to enjoy shopping at One Earth.
Helen! We missed you. Here's your latte.
Thanks, Gwen.
Helen, saved you a tangelo.
Free sample.
No, thank you.
Well, we may never be able to afford to eat again,
but at least we'll have one heck of a meal to remember.
I can dazzle the chancellor with food,
but you need to get out there and dazzle him with your ideas.
So, chancellor Harrison, I was thinking
that we can offer a degree program
in converting vehicles to natural gas.
I- I was thinking other thoughts, too.
What?
Uh, what Kent's trying to say about our idea...
Our idea!
Is that this program would allow us
to get our maintenance vehicles upgraded for free.
I missed my one earth Helen.
Sav big! Helen slept a lot.
Is this your first grown-up dinner, too?
Helen!
Thanks for dinner last night.
Oh. A word to the wise -
salt is better dashed, not poured.
Didn't seem to slow you down. I`m surprised you can hear any conversations over your slurping.
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