Dennis, have you seen my Louisville Slugger?
Don't you remember you were swinging it around in your office,
and it slipped out of your hands and out the window?
Doesn't ring a bell.
Oh, come on. It fell 23 stories,
went through the roof of a gypsy cab
and gave that German tourist a deep thigh bruise?
Oh, yeah.
Master race my ass. That guy was crying like a baby.
Hey! DENNIS: Hey!
Don't forget, softball practice this afternoon.
I didn't know we had a softball team.
Yeah, we have our annual game against Cosmo this Saturday.
I don't remember a game last year.
Well, it was cancelled because of a minor incident the year before.
Nina provided protein drinks,
and we wound up calling the game because we thought
the Earth was being attacked by giant hummingbirds.
(CHUCKLES)
What position do you play?
Catcher. I'm also the manager
because of the three P's.
Poise, patience
and p'sex appeal.
So, you in?
Think I'll pass.
Why?
Ah, competition brings out the worst in people.
Actually, bike shorts bring out the worst in people.
So, what are we talking about? Softball.
Oh, you know, I play first base.
You're kidding. You play?
Oh, she's a natural. She's tall,
she's flexible, and she has a knack for digging things out of the dirt.
That third husband, for example.
Was it so wrong to want to see him one last time?
Anyway, I have the scouting report for Cosmo.
Do tell.
The pitcher's going through a messy divorce.
First baseman's about to be downsized,
and the left fielder needs a pump to get an erection. Don't ask.
That's your scouting report?
It's called heckling material.
It's not about winning or losing.
It's about destroying the other guy's self-esteem.
It's fun.
See, that's what I'm talking about.
I don't like to play with people who are overly competitive.
Oh, yeah, I see what you mean.
She must really suck. Clearly.
Just stick with me, Maya. I know a thing or two about the game.
Oh, it wouldn't be a Blush game without Elliott anchoring the defense.
Way out in deep right field. Not too shabby, huh?
Right field?
He has no idea how horrible he is.
Hey, make sure I get the right game time this year.
Oh, yeah, right. Sorry. Sorry about that.
Okay, shall we get started?
I'd like to begin by saying,
"I guarantee a Blush softball victory this year."
Ah, Jack, you say that every year and every year we lose.
Last time we won. Remember? I hit that home run,
and then I saved the Earth from that giant hummingbird.
Anyway, this is our year.
Maya, you're playing, right?
I play right!
Dad, I don't really want to play.
I really don't want you to play either, but the rules state we need two women.
It's always been my rule.
Well, I'm not playing.
We'll see. Anyway,
I will, once again, be pitching.
Let's face it, we want to win.
Not that we have to win.
At Blush it's all about fair play and having fun.
Yeah. ALL: Yeah.
Okay, first order of business.
Please welcome our new Vice President of Fabulous Ideas, Steve Garvey.
Come on out, Steve. Please come. Please come. That's it.
Ten-time All-Star.
ELLIOTT: Springtime. Hope. Baseball.
Through all our turbulent times, it's the one thing you can always count on.
Baseball.
Hey, Clueless Joe, your cup goes in the front.
Sorry.
Nina, leave the new guy alone.
NINA: I'm designing new uniforms.
You've already measured his inseam, twice.
How dare you? I'm a professional and I...
I resent your implication.
Sorry.
No, this isn't working. You're going to have to take your pants off.
All right, everybody. Gather 'round.
Let's bring it in.
Now I know you all like to think of this as our team,
but remember, this is my team.
My team.
I don't ask that you love me,
but I do demand your respect.
Scratch that. I ask you to love me.
What's up? I'm Finch. The boss.
Okay, we need somebody to get in the outfield.
I'll do it. Anybody.
Over here. Anyone at all.
Hey, new guy, can you hit?
Well, I was the National League MVP.
Yeah, whatever. Okay, grab a bat.
Where's Jack?
All right, we need a pitcher.
Hey, kid, you want to pitch?
Don't call me "kid."
Fine. You want to pitch?
You know, I just feel that competition...
Oh, blah-biddy-blah. If you don't want to play, why are you here?
I always come to the park to read.
There's no book in team.
Oh, fine. I'll throw around your stupid ball until my father gets here.
All right, we got a pitcher.
Hey. Hey, you sure you don't want me to pitch?
Get back out there! All right.
All right, you need to stretch out a little bit? No, I'm fine.
Is that suede? That's pretty neat.
Stop touching me! Okay.
Okay. Let's play ball!
Hey, batter, batter. Swing!
Shut up! Okay.
Maya, just try to get it to the plate.
You could scoot up if you have to.
I don't want to pitch.
We want a pitcher, not a belly itcher!
ALL: We want a pitcher, not a belly itcher!
MAYA: I'm not a belly itcher!
Give me the ball!
I don't think you're the right... Give me the ball!
All right-y.
Ah! Oh, my God!
(WHINING) I think you broke my hand!
Yeah, well, I pitched a little in college.
Seriously, I think I'm going to puke.
Rub?
(CAR HONKING)
Hey, Dennis, cue up my music!
Huh?
Well, how am I supposed to take the mound without hearing Bad to the Bone?
Ah, actually, Maya was just pitching.
Well, isn't that cute?
Thanks, kitten. I'd love you to pitch,
but I've got a big bet on the game and we really need to win this one.
Yeah. Yeah. Right. Fine.
All right. Give me the heat.
Dennis, when you get the ball, pick me up one of those Eskimo Pies.
Okay, chest.
I can wait all day.
(EXHALES)
Finch, what are you planning to do about the pitching situation?
Yeah, we're tired of losing.
I for one do not enjoy looking like a fool.
Um, you'll have to take that one up with God.
Our only hope of beating Cosmo is if Maya pitches. Now you're the manager.
Yeah. When there's dirty work to be done, I'm the manager.
But when I ask you to call me Skipper,
you play keep-away with my mitt.
Hey, how's the old throwing arm?
Terrific. It's like I didn't even pitch yesterday.
Yeah, it really is.
It's a shame you didn't see Maya on the mound. She's pretty good.
Oh, yeah. That's my girl.
In fact, really good. You taught her well.
Actually, I never taught her.
She used to play a lot of catch with Lucita, our Dominican nanny.
I tell you, those people are born to hit the cut-off man.
Hey, Jack, listen. I was thinking,
you know, I'd rather not play ball.
It's distracting me from my job.
What the hell are you talking about?
Oh, listen, I got some great ideas for this magazine.
No, you don't.
I do too.
Hey, listen. You just concentrate on hitting home runs.
You know what, I quit.
I can make more money autographing baseballs.
(LAUGHING) How? By forging "Reggie Jackson"?
This is great.
This is just perfect. Hey!
Is Pete Rose out of jail yet?
So we're agreed, Maya's going to pitch?
What's that? The team felt
we have a better chance of winning if Maya pitches.
I see.
But of course, you have final say.
Fine, I'm pitching.
But you're terrible.
If I'm so terrible, why does everyone call me "Mr. Strikeout"?
'Cause you can't hit either.
Oh, I didn't see that one coming.
Look, no one knows the pride of a champion more than I do.
But you have to know when to bow out gracefully. I did.
Oh, no. Not that cockamamie story about ice dancing again.
It's figure skating. Ice dancing's for pansies.
Hey, Elliott, let me ask you something.
You think Maya should pitch?
Oh, I don't know, Jack. I was way out in right field.
Go on, feel free. What do you think?
She seems to have a pretty good arm.
Well, then why don't you marry her?
Oh, speaking of marriage, I just heard that Cosmo's center fielder
enjoys wearing his wife's naughtiest...
Sorry, you were yelling at Elliott.
What's going on?
I understand you put on quite a show yesterday.
Whatever you heard was exaggerated.
I figured as much. They were actually insisting you're a better pitcher than me.
I knew it was absurd.
Yeah, I... Absurd?
Well, it's not absurd.
Okay, let's see what you can do.
Huh?
Let's see your stuff. Oh...
Wind took it.
Dad, I don't... I don't... I don't think this is such a good idea.
Why not? Because, uh, when I pitch, I become a little obsessed.
What does that mean, "obsessed"?
At one point, I was practicing 18 hours a day.
When?
At college, when I pitched for Stanford.
Oh, yeah, that's pretty impressive.
An all-girl team, I'm assuming?
Get over there.
(EXHALES)
Ready?
Oh, I think I can handle it.
Whoa!
Dennis, call Cosmo and double the bet.
(CHUCKLING)
All right, squad,
I just got off the phone with my contact at the National Weather Service.
You mean the recording?
Whatever. Look, the storm's not letting up,
so lunchtime practice is cancelled.
Hey, Maya, we're finding you a nickname.
I don't want a nickname. I want to start pitching.
How about "Swifty"? "Rocket"?
"Screamer"? Already taken.
I don't want a nickname.
Something with a little pizzazz.
How about the "Queen of Quick"?
"Senora Speedball."
Taken.
Shouldn't we be going to practice?
DENNIS: Not in this weather.
There's something about my shape and chemical composition
that makes me a human lightning rod.
It's only rain. You won't melt.
Oh, please. That's what they told my friend, Binnie.
You people make me sick! You deserve to lose every year!
What a nut job.
"Nut job"? That's good. Write that down.
What about you, Finch?
I need to pitch, and you're the best catcher I've ever seen.
Um, nice try, but there's no way I'm going out in that rain.
I'm wearing a white t-shirt.
Let's play some ball.
She just kept pitching
and pitching.
Lightning hit a tree 20 feet away, she didn't even flinch.
When I said I was tired,
she just stared at me with those dead eyes.
Her mother had those eyes.
Jack, Maya's obsessed.
She's out of control.
Trust me, I know the signs.
Dennis, let's not get so dramatic.
It's just a softball game.
The most important softball game ever played.
I want to win, Maya wants to pitch.
End of story.
Well, then you can count me out. I won't do that to Maya.
Fine. So I guess you won't be needing
this.
(CHUCKLING) Damn you, Jack Gallo! Give me that.
(OBSESSED LAUGHING)
(SHRILL VOICE) Skipper!
Good afternoon, viewers, and what a beautiful day to play baseball.
Looks like we're just about ready to start the game.
Blush versus Cosmo. The Battle of Titans.
You got to love it. Although, side note,
in a world envisioned by sci-fi master Gene Roddenberry,
there would be no competition. Food for thought.
ELLIOTT: Okay, Elliott, this is it. Time to shine.
Some of these guys look pretty green.
It's your job to show them how it's done. They look up to you.
NINA: Heads up!
Hey, Nina, I need to loosen up. Throw me a ground ball.
Oh! Okay, now throw me an ice pack.
On the mound for Blush is Maya Gallo. Or as I like to call her, "The Flash."
Taken!
All right, first batter. Look alive.
Wait, Elliott's on his back in right field.
I don't think it really makes a difference.
Yoo-hoo, batter. How's the rehab going?
Third time's the charm.
(SNORTING) Okay, everybody, here we go.
Nice. Nice. Very nice. Real nice.
Okay, now me.
Nina!
GLENN: Through six innings, Maya Gallo has been perfect.
Come on. Why don't you all take a seat? I can strike this joker out.
GLENN: She makes it hard to root for her, doesn't she?
Look, I want to win as much as anyone, but you don't have to humiliate them.
Sorry. It won't happen again.
Let's go. MAYA: All right.
Let's play ball!
ALL: (WHOOPING) Go Maya!
Come on, Dad, bases loaded! Get closer to the plate.
Closer!
That a-way! Hustle to first!
ELLIOTT: Jack, are you all right?
MAYA: One run! That's all I need!
NINA: Jack, Jack, can you hear me?
You are all my bitches!
(GRUNTING) Take her out.
Hey, good news. Your dad's vision's clearing up.
I told you never to talk to me between innings.
Maya, listen to me. I'm pulling you out of the game.
(SCOFFING) Yeah, you and how many Green Berets?
It's over. You're out of control.
How would you know?
Albany, New York.
Regional Figure Skating Championships.
I just had the skate of my life.
Oh.
(LAUGHING) Thanks.
DENNIS: Double toe loop, triple axel, triple Lutz.
I was expecting the first perfect scores of my life
when my world caved in.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
ANNOUNCER: 6.0.
6.0.
5.7.
6.0.
5.7?
Five freakin' seven?
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING) What happened?
Give me back my youth. Give me my childhood!
(CRYING MANIACALLY)
You bastard! What happened?
And I never laced up again.
But I only have one more inning and then I swear, I'll never do it again.
We both know it doesn't work that way.
Finch, I'm this close to a perfect game.
It's all I've ever wanted my whole life.
What would you give to have another chance at a perfect score?
(SIGHS)
Hit Me With Your Best Shot.
No, that was the song I skated to that night.
But go get them. Thanks!
Let's do it.
GLENN: Well, this is it, folks. Blush is up 1-0,
and Maya Gallo is one batter away from a perfect game.
Cosmo's last chance is... Hang on.
Don't put the kids to bed yet! Pinch hitting is none other than Steve Garvey.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
They got a ringer!
No, no, no. They hired me. They like my article ideas.
Like what?
Supermodels reminisce about their most powerful orgasm.
Damn! That's fabulous!
Hey, we could win this game. Just pitch around him.
No, Dad, I'm pitching a perfect game.
Maya, be realistic. He's a ten-time All-Star.
Hi. Hi. What are we talking about?
Get back out there.
Right.
Don't worry. I'll take care of this.
Yoo-hoo, Garvey!
How does it feel to have retired right before baseball salaries sky-rocketed?
Hey, Nina, how did it feel not being asked to your senior prom?
(CRYING) Who says I even wanted to go?
Look, it's getting dark. Three pitches. That's all I need.
Come on!
All right. Let's get this pretty boy out and go home.
Okay.
GLENN: Garvey up.
You could cut the tension with the shards of a shattered coffee mug
my Nana gave to me.
The wind-up, and the pitch.
And he hits a pop fly to right field. This should just be the game, folks.
I got it! I got it!
Come on, catch it.
(GRUNTING) Catch it!
Wait a minute. I really got it.
Oh, my God. I think he's got it.
GLENN: He missed it! He missed it! There goes the perfect game!
Oh my!
(YELLING)
Okay, nobody tell her about the bowling team.
* Life keeps bringing me back to you
* Keeps bringing me home
* It don't matter what I wanna do
* 'Cause it's got a mind of its own
* Life keeps bringing me back to you *