1 00:00:14,275 --> 00:00:15,446 Good morning. 2 00:00:17,449 --> 00:00:21,039 How do we turn this off? Mother, you think you can come and help me turn it off? 3 00:00:22,003 --> 00:00:24,274 How do we turn this off? Can you help me with this? 4 00:00:24,275 --> 00:00:26,765 Oh, thank you, thank you so much. I didn't mean to snap. 5 00:00:26,767 --> 00:00:28,767 - uh, good morning. 6 00:00:28,834 --> 00:00:30,834 Many of you are halfway through 7 00:00:30,901 --> 00:00:32,601 Your first week here at greendale 8 00:00:32,667 --> 00:00:35,968 And as your dean, i thought i would 9 00:00:36,033 --> 00:00:39,501 Share a few thoughts of wisdom and inspiration. 10 00:00:39,567 --> 00:00:41,334 What is community college? 11 00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:44,134 Well, you've heard all kinds of things. 12 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:46,933 You've heard it's "loser college 13 00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:51,034 For remedial teens, 20-something dropouts, 14 00:00:51,050 --> 00:00:52,351 Middle-age divorcees, 15 00:00:52,718 --> 00:00:54,651 And old people keeping their minds active 16 00:00:54,718 --> 00:00:57,517 As they circle the drain of eternity." 17 00:00:57,584 --> 00:00:59,718 That's what you heard. 18 00:00:59,783 --> 00:01:02,551 However, i wish you luck! 19 00:01:06,517 --> 00:01:09,084 Okay, you know-- uh-oh. 20 00:01:09,150 --> 00:01:10,551 Okay, there's more to this speech. 21 00:01:10,618 --> 00:01:11,718 There's actually a middle card that is missing. 22 00:01:11,783 --> 00:01:13,783 Can we all look around our immediate areas, 23 00:01:13,850 --> 00:01:15,351 'cause i really wanted to-- 24 00:01:15,417 --> 00:01:16,218 - i'm only half-arabic, actually. 25 00:01:16,284 --> 00:01:17,884 My dad is palestinian. he's a u.s. citizen. 26 00:01:17,951 --> 00:01:19,450 He's not a threat to national security or anything. 27 00:01:19,517 --> 00:01:20,717 A lot of people want to know that after they meet him, 28 00:01:20,784 --> 00:01:21,851 Because he has an angry energy. 29 00:01:21,917 --> 00:01:22,917 But not, like, angry at america. 30 00:01:22,984 --> 00:01:24,284 Just angry at my mom for leaving him. 31 00:01:24,350 --> 00:01:25,584 Although she did leave because he was angry 32 00:01:25,650 --> 00:01:27,117 And he was angry because she's american. 33 00:01:27,184 --> 00:01:28,884 My name's abed, by the way. 34 00:01:28,951 --> 00:01:32,151 - abed, nice to know you and then meet you in that order. 35 00:01:32,218 --> 00:01:33,851 Now about that question that i had-- 36 00:01:33,917 --> 00:01:35,318 - oh, uh... 37 00:01:35,383 --> 00:01:37,051 5 after 11:00 when you asked. 38 00:01:37,117 --> 00:01:38,450 - abed? - yeah? 39 00:01:38,517 --> 00:01:40,750 - what's the deal with the hot girl from spanish class? 40 00:01:40,817 --> 00:01:42,584 I can't find a road in there. 41 00:01:42,650 --> 00:01:43,951 - well, i only talked to her once 42 00:01:44,017 --> 00:01:45,984 While she was borrowing a pencil, but... 43 00:01:46,051 --> 00:01:47,750 Her name is britta, she's 28, birthday in october, 44 00:01:47,817 --> 00:01:48,984 She has two older brothers and one of 'em 45 00:01:49,051 --> 00:01:50,084 Works with children who have a disorder 46 00:01:50,151 --> 00:01:51,251 I might want to look up. 47 00:01:51,318 --> 00:01:52,483 Oh, and she thinks she's gonna flunk 48 00:01:52,550 --> 00:01:53,750 Tomorrow's test, so she really needs to focus 49 00:01:53,817 --> 00:01:56,251 So she's sorry if that makes her seem cold. 50 00:01:56,318 --> 00:01:57,483 - holy crap. 51 00:01:57,550 --> 00:01:58,211 Abed... 52 00:01:58,718 --> 00:02:01,784 I see your value now. 53 00:02:02,351 --> 00:02:04,517 - that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. 54 00:02:07,356 --> 00:02:08,706 Absolutely not. 55 00:02:10,035 --> 00:02:13,429 If these guys knew you like I did they would have given you a small office. 56 00:02:13,584 --> 00:02:14,817 - jeff winger! 57 00:02:14,884 --> 00:02:16,684 Genius at law. 58 00:02:16,751 --> 00:02:20,284 - you got to stop saying that. - i will never do that. sit down 59 00:02:20,285 --> 00:02:22,885 I still cannot figure out how you gonna join 60 00:02:22,886 --> 00:02:24,936 September the 11th with my DUI, 61 00:02:24,937 --> 00:02:26,737 that alone, why that helped. 62 00:02:26,738 --> 00:02:29,038 Well, 2002 was a simple time. 63 00:02:29,025 --> 00:02:31,316 So what is my lawyer doing here? 64 00:02:31,845 --> 00:02:33,245 - i'm a student. 65 00:02:33,729 --> 00:02:36,430 - well, that cannot be an inspiring journey. 66 00:02:36,431 --> 00:02:38,403 - uh, i am in a bit of a jam. 67 00:02:38,404 --> 00:02:41,205 The state bar has suspended my license. 68 00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:44,875 They found out my college degree Was less than legitimate. 69 00:02:44,876 --> 00:02:46,793 - i thought you had a bachelor's from columbia. 70 00:02:46,794 --> 00:02:49,087 - now i have to get one from america. 71 00:02:49,088 --> 00:02:51,061 - and it can't be an email attachment. 72 00:02:51,062 --> 00:02:52,833 - well, you've picked a fine school. 73 00:02:52,834 --> 00:02:56,140 - yes, and i'm hoping that our friendship 74 00:02:56,266 --> 00:02:57,861 Will yield certain advantages. 75 00:02:57,862 --> 00:02:59,484 You know, academic guidance... - yes. 76 00:02:59,485 --> 00:03:00,872 - moral support, 77 00:03:00,873 --> 00:03:03,600 Every answer to every test 78 00:03:03,749 --> 00:03:05,678 For every one of the classes that i'm taking. 79 00:03:05,713 --> 00:03:08,243 Here's my schedule. - no. Now, jeff, just by asking that, 80 00:03:08,244 --> 00:03:12,001 You have insulted the integrity of this entire institution. 81 00:03:12,921 --> 00:03:14,638 Waster! not a bathroom! 82 00:03:14,639 --> 00:03:17,281 Not a bathroom. - okay. Duncan, you... 83 00:03:17,282 --> 00:03:20,727 did seem less into integrity The day that i convinced 84 00:03:20,728 --> 00:03:24,487 12 of yours peers that when you made that u-turn on the freeway 85 00:03:24,488 --> 00:03:27,345 And tried to order chalupas from the emergency call box, 86 00:03:27,346 --> 00:03:29,283 That your only real crime was loving america. 87 00:03:29,284 --> 00:03:32,054 Well, I do love America, I do love it, very much. 88 00:03:33,276 --> 00:03:35,382 I love chalupas. 89 00:03:35,577 --> 00:03:36,742 But... 90 00:03:36,916 --> 00:03:38,538 - i'll look into it. - thank you. 91 00:03:38,539 --> 00:03:40,787 Duncan, you are a good man. 92 00:03:41,186 --> 00:03:45,032 - jeff, are you familiar with the adage, "cheaters never prosper"? 93 00:03:45,033 --> 00:03:46,110 No... 94 00:03:46,111 --> 00:03:49,400 and if i wanted to learn something, I wouldn't have come to community college. 95 00:03:54,733 --> 00:03:57,225 Transcripted on Addic7ed by honeybunny and VeRdiKT www.addic7ed.com 96 00:04:22,431 --> 00:04:25,531 - oh, hey! spanish. - uh, don't hit on me, okay? 97 00:04:25,747 --> 00:04:27,938 - whoa. I wouldn't dream of it. 98 00:04:27,939 --> 00:04:31,233 I just wanted to let you know about my spanish study group. 99 00:04:33,342 --> 00:04:37,310 the guy who's playing bejeweled on his iphone all class has a study group? 100 00:04:37,311 --> 00:04:38,819 Um, can i sign up twice? 101 00:04:38,820 --> 00:04:42,707 - i'm taking the class as an easy credit. I'm actually a spanish tutor. 102 00:04:42,708 --> 00:04:45,522 - Board certified. - can you say that in spanish now? 103 00:04:45,847 --> 00:04:50,331 - [speaking spanish] 104 00:04:52,607 --> 00:04:56,107 - i really need help with spanish. - yeah, i was willing to bet.. i'm jeff. 105 00:04:56,108 --> 00:04:57,108 Or "Jefe". 106 00:04:57,109 --> 00:04:57,975 Boss. 107 00:04:57,976 --> 00:05:00,956 - We meet at the library at 4:00. - yeah, britta. thanks. 108 00:05:03,199 --> 00:05:04,445 You gonna be there? 109 00:05:05,939 --> 00:05:07,189 Un po' di piu'. 110 00:05:07,342 --> 00:05:09,192 That means "See you there". 111 00:05:10,268 --> 00:05:13,042 Shouldn't be too hard to fake a study group, right? 112 00:05:13,609 --> 00:05:15,715 Oh, geez, I'm sorry... I... 113 00:05:15,908 --> 00:05:19,227 I was raised on TV and I was conditioned to believe that every... 114 00:05:19,228 --> 00:05:22,128 Black woman over 50 is a cosmic mentor.. 115 00:05:22,389 --> 00:05:25,818 Were you conditioned to pay for your damn taco, Sanfield? 116 00:05:25,819 --> 00:05:27,719 Yes, I'm so sorry. 117 00:05:27,978 --> 00:05:29,209 It's Seinfeld. 118 00:05:31,821 --> 00:05:34,292 Group Study Room 119 00:05:34,738 --> 00:05:35,984 Bienvenido. 120 00:05:36,446 --> 00:05:37,840 Bienvenuto! 121 00:05:38,072 --> 00:05:39,559 Hey, all right, come on in. 122 00:05:40,187 --> 00:05:42,427 - I got the whole table. Welcome. - Yeah. 123 00:05:42,428 --> 00:05:44,704 - We have the whole room. - Yeah, here's the, uh... 124 00:05:45,901 --> 00:05:48,111 contact sheet. Just put your stuff there. 125 00:05:49,280 --> 00:05:50,526 Man. 126 00:05:51,445 --> 00:05:53,308 Rest of the group is running late. 127 00:05:53,309 --> 00:05:55,088 But you and i can get acquainted. 128 00:05:55,089 --> 00:05:57,916 - you may have noticed this morning, Not so good at the small talk. 129 00:05:57,917 --> 00:05:59,623 - yeah, i like big talk. what's your deal? 130 00:05:59,624 --> 00:06:02,786 - that's not small talk? - what's your deal and is god dead? 131 00:06:03,311 --> 00:06:04,982 - all right, you want to know my deal? 132 00:06:04,983 --> 00:06:07,700 I dropped out of high-school because 133 00:06:07,735 --> 00:06:09,297 I thought for some reason it would impress Radiohead. 134 00:06:09,298 --> 00:06:11,615 You'd be surprised what gets back to these guys. 135 00:06:11,774 --> 00:06:14,024 I joined the peace corp. 136 00:06:14,146 --> 00:06:15,695 I did a little foot modelling, 137 00:06:15,696 --> 00:06:17,869 I got tear gased in a World Trade Rally... 138 00:06:17,870 --> 00:06:19,089 Marry me. 139 00:06:19,090 --> 00:06:22,882 And I think, Jeff, my deal is above all else, honesty. 140 00:06:23,774 --> 00:06:25,279 - honesty? - yeah. 141 00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:27,052 You tell me the truth, i will like you. 142 00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:29,649 You lie to me, i will never talk to you again. That's my deal. 143 00:06:29,857 --> 00:06:31,959 - ah, that's a good deal. - So what's your deal? 144 00:06:32,807 --> 00:06:36,094 - uh, i would have to go-- I would have to say, 145 00:06:36,664 --> 00:06:37,820 um, honesty, 146 00:06:38,008 --> 00:06:39,131 Because... 147 00:06:39,288 --> 00:06:42,434 I would say anything to get what i want. 148 00:06:42,435 --> 00:06:44,414 And i want you to like me. So, uh.. 149 00:06:45,550 --> 00:06:47,750 - wow. that's a very honest answer. 150 00:06:48,214 --> 00:06:50,014 All right, now i like you fine. 151 00:06:50,098 --> 00:06:52,927 - really? Wow. you're easy. - hell yeah. 152 00:06:53,322 --> 00:06:55,564 Abed in the house! 153 00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:00,808 - why? - britta invited me. is that cool? 154 00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:03,805 - oh, i can't think of a single logical reason why not. 155 00:07:03,806 --> 00:07:05,842 - cool. - there you go. 156 00:07:05,877 --> 00:07:08,212 Oh, hey, here. Put your contact info down right there. 157 00:07:08,213 --> 00:07:10,680 That's right. - cool, cool, cool. 158 00:07:10,715 --> 00:07:12,217 Cool, cool, cool. 159 00:07:13,507 --> 00:07:15,237 hey, this is kind of like breakfast club, huh? 160 00:07:15,238 --> 00:07:16,868 - we are in a library. - yeah. 161 00:07:16,869 --> 00:07:19,818 i'm sure we've each got an issue balled up inside of us that would make us cry if we talked about it. 162 00:07:19,819 --> 00:07:22,393 - do you have something balled up inside of you? 163 00:07:22,762 --> 00:07:25,338 - well, i got a little doozy in the chamber if things get emotional. 164 00:07:28,082 --> 00:07:29,417 Oh. hey, text message. 165 00:07:29,786 --> 00:07:32,204 - Let's give this bad boy a read. - it's probably just for your eyes. 166 00:07:32,205 --> 00:07:34,963 - I've never got one of these - Well, it's jut.. You probably... 167 00:07:34,964 --> 00:07:37,953 - it's probably just for your eyes. - "say you have to pee. i need to talk to you." 168 00:07:39,375 --> 00:07:40,889 "say you have to pee." 169 00:07:40,890 --> 00:07:42,158 - that is weird. 170 00:07:42,159 --> 00:07:44,540 - "say you have to pee. I need to talk to you." - do you have to pee? 171 00:07:44,541 --> 00:07:47,147 - no. - hmm. 172 00:07:47,148 --> 00:07:49,051 - that's so weird. - well, i'm stumped. That's very creepy. 173 00:07:50,017 --> 00:07:51,996 That's very creepy. - does it say you have to pee? 174 00:07:51,997 --> 00:07:53,766 - no, it's just someone 175 00:07:53,767 --> 00:07:56,206 With a misguided grasp of abbreviation. 176 00:07:56,384 --> 00:07:59,402 I just need five minutes, you guys, So go ahead and study 177 00:07:59,581 --> 00:08:01,345 all the verbs...in spanish. 178 00:08:01,984 --> 00:08:03,176 - Abed... - Yeah? 179 00:08:03,177 --> 00:08:04,537 What's your read on that guy? 180 00:08:05,725 --> 00:08:07,325 You look like Elisabeth Shue. 181 00:08:09,666 --> 00:08:13,342 Act natural, pretend you are watching the athletic proceedings. 182 00:08:13,343 --> 00:08:15,320 You couldn't stop me from watching them. 183 00:08:15,321 --> 00:08:19,313 There's a guy trying out for the track, that's older than the game of poker. 184 00:08:20,432 --> 00:08:21,932 He's kinda trucking. 185 00:08:22,416 --> 00:08:26,456 - suppose i was to say to you It was possible to get those test answers? 186 00:08:26,457 --> 00:08:29,297 - i would say, "go for that," And could have said so in a text. 187 00:08:29,298 --> 00:08:32,470 - i'm asking you if you know the difference Between right and wrong. 188 00:08:33,222 --> 00:08:36,085 - i discovered at a very early age That if i talk long enough, 189 00:08:36,086 --> 00:08:38,163 I could make anything right or wrong. 190 00:08:38,164 --> 00:08:41,041 So either i'm god or truth is relative. 191 00:08:41,076 --> 00:08:42,776 And in either case, booyah. 192 00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:46,194 - oh, interesting. It's just the average person has a much harder time saying, 193 00:08:46,195 --> 00:08:48,105 "booyah," to moral relativism. 194 00:08:48,106 --> 00:08:50,667 - duncan, you don't have to play shrink To protect your pride. 195 00:08:50,668 --> 00:08:52,423 I accept. you're chicken. 196 00:08:52,424 --> 00:08:54,907 Are you trying to use reverse psychology on a psychologist? 197 00:08:54,908 --> 00:08:58,187 No, I'm just using regular psychology on a spineless, British twit. 198 00:08:58,188 --> 00:09:00,115 - i'm a professor. you can't talk to me that way. 199 00:09:00,116 --> 00:09:03,417 - a six-year-old girl could talk to you that way. - yes, because that would be adorable! 200 00:09:03,452 --> 00:09:06,840 - No, because you're a five-year-old girl And there's a pecking order. 201 00:09:06,841 --> 00:09:08,757 - fine! i'll do it! - thank you. 202 00:09:08,758 --> 00:09:10,458 - yeah, pleasure. 203 00:09:10,586 --> 00:09:11,586 Bye! 204 00:09:11,734 --> 00:09:13,108 Yes! good! 205 00:09:13,436 --> 00:09:15,337 Why am i still shouting? 206 00:09:15,338 --> 00:09:16,910 I'm drawing attention to myself. 207 00:09:17,090 --> 00:09:20,195 - you guys aren't gonna believe this, But the rest of the group... 208 00:09:21,411 --> 00:09:22,556 Is here. 209 00:09:22,728 --> 00:09:25,158 - are you the board-certified tutor? 210 00:09:25,159 --> 00:09:26,953 - that means you do my homework, right, Seacrest? 211 00:09:26,954 --> 00:09:29,020 - i need to call my babysitter If we're gon' be later than 10:00. 212 00:09:29,021 --> 00:09:30,799 - what board certifies a tutor? 213 00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:32,017 - where's britta? - not sure. 214 00:09:32,018 --> 00:09:34,530 But i invited more people from spanish class. Is that cool? 215 00:09:34,531 --> 00:09:36,228 - it's the coolest. 216 00:09:36,970 --> 00:09:39,788 I'm gonna go to the bathroom 217 00:09:39,823 --> 00:09:42,290 And bring my jacket, 218 00:09:42,325 --> 00:09:44,733 wallet, and keys with me 219 00:09:45,056 --> 00:09:46,506 In case there's a fire. 220 00:09:47,334 --> 00:09:48,471 - should we go with him? 221 00:09:48,472 --> 00:09:50,423 - i'm leaving my homework with slumdog millionaire over here. 222 00:09:50,424 --> 00:09:52,374 - that's borderline racist, i think. 223 00:09:56,351 --> 00:09:58,029 - and busted. 224 00:09:58,746 --> 00:10:01,425 - uh, listen. - now you know. I'm a smoker. 225 00:10:02,611 --> 00:10:05,099 - yeah, but they're filtered, so that makes them safe. 226 00:10:05,519 --> 00:10:08,224 - you ready to get started? Looks like the rest of your group showed up. 227 00:10:08,225 --> 00:10:11,553 - yeah, not mine, actually. I think abed took out a page on craigslist. 228 00:10:11,554 --> 00:10:13,431 And i was trained never to say this, 229 00:10:13,432 --> 00:10:16,075 But i think that group may be untutorable. 230 00:10:16,110 --> 00:10:17,210 - oh, really? 231 00:10:17,324 --> 00:10:19,719 - so why don't you and i go study over-- 232 00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:21,423 - dinner? - or drinks. 233 00:10:21,424 --> 00:10:23,959 - i think, actually, we should prioritize here 234 00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:26,379 And study first and then go to dinner. 235 00:10:28,022 --> 00:10:31,839 And if they really prove to be untutorable, we'll slip out early. 236 00:10:33,945 --> 00:10:35,095 - oh...they will be... 237 00:10:35,643 --> 00:10:36,793 untutorable. 238 00:10:43,189 --> 00:10:45,267 - all right. 239 00:10:45,542 --> 00:10:47,063 Look at this crew. 240 00:10:47,098 --> 00:10:49,815 All ready to study all night. 241 00:10:49,850 --> 00:10:51,142 - well, i can stay at least till 10:00. 242 00:10:51,143 --> 00:10:53,618 - but who studies with strangers, right? 243 00:10:53,896 --> 00:10:55,146 My name is jeff. 244 00:10:55,395 --> 00:10:56,635 - jeff, it's a pleasure. 245 00:10:56,765 --> 00:10:58,600 My name is pierce hawthorne and, yes, 246 00:10:58,601 --> 00:11:02,047 That is hawthorne as in hawthorne wipes, The award-winning moist towellete. 247 00:11:02,326 --> 00:11:03,399 - i was just going to ask. 248 00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:05,982 - i'm also a toast master, so perhaps I should do the introductions. 249 00:11:05,983 --> 00:11:07,614 - definitely! - all right, you already know brittles. 250 00:11:07,615 --> 00:11:09,919 - britta. - abed. Abed the arab. 251 00:11:09,954 --> 00:11:11,267 Is that inappropriate? - sure. 252 00:11:11,268 --> 00:11:13,381 - roy. roy the wonder boy. - "Troy". 253 00:11:13,416 --> 00:11:15,457 - little princess elizabeth. - "Annie". 254 00:11:15,727 --> 00:11:18,803 - and finally, this beautiful creature is named shirley. 255 00:11:19,496 --> 00:11:20,712 - is that even close? 256 00:11:21,410 --> 00:11:23,758 - i'd like to know why i had to find out About this group on accident? 257 00:11:23,759 --> 00:11:26,143 - - this is getting way more like breakfast club now. - there's breakfast? 258 00:11:26,144 --> 00:11:27,571 - okay, um, maybe we should get started-- 259 00:11:27,572 --> 00:11:30,140 - you know, i've been a part of a lot of study groups that fell apart 260 00:11:30,141 --> 00:11:32,141 because of unresolved tension. 261 00:11:32,309 --> 00:11:35,061 Shouldn't we address Annie's concern? Did we not invite her? 262 00:11:35,062 --> 00:11:36,832 - well, annie, sweetie, it's not behind your back. 263 00:11:36,833 --> 00:11:39,884 - We just didn't think about... - can we stop with the "pumpkins" and the "sweeties"? 264 00:11:40,137 --> 00:11:42,073 Being younger does not make me inferior. 265 00:11:42,074 --> 00:11:45,621 If anything, your age indicates That you've made bad life decisions. 266 00:11:45,794 --> 00:11:47,782 - shirley has a response to that. - no, no, no. i don't. 267 00:11:47,783 --> 00:11:50,589 - you should. it looks like you do. - please, shirley. 268 00:11:50,590 --> 00:11:52,246 - okay, okay. 269 00:11:52,387 --> 00:11:55,472 I'm sure i've made some bad life decisions 270 00:11:55,628 --> 00:11:58,299 And maybe annie's decisions will be better. 271 00:11:58,300 --> 00:12:01,870 But i think she needs to decide Whether she wants to be considered a child 272 00:12:01,950 --> 00:12:04,271 Or an adult, because children get pity 273 00:12:04,272 --> 00:12:06,998 But not respect. And adults, they get respect, 274 00:12:06,999 --> 00:12:09,636 But they also get the back of they head grabbed And their face pushed through jukeboxes. 275 00:12:09,637 --> 00:12:10,741 - okay. 276 00:12:10,776 --> 00:12:14,080 Why don't we try learning "jukebox" in spanish? 277 00:12:14,081 --> 00:12:16,081 - what are you doing? - pierce! 278 00:12:16,082 --> 00:12:18,161 - Let's discuss this creepiness. - pardon you? 279 00:12:18,162 --> 00:12:20,089 - what are you doing? - i'm certified. 280 00:12:20,261 --> 00:12:24,014 Are you unaware that shirley Finds your advances inappropriate? 281 00:12:25,268 --> 00:12:26,356 what advances? 282 00:12:26,357 --> 00:12:29,665 - you have been sexually harassing me Since the very first day of class. 283 00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:31,316 - sexually harassing? 284 00:12:31,981 --> 00:12:33,960 what? That makes no sense to me. 285 00:12:33,995 --> 00:12:37,114 Why would i harass somebody who turns me on? 286 00:12:37,115 --> 00:12:40,015 - saying she turns you on is the harassment, dude. 287 00:12:40,702 --> 00:12:41,859 - hey. 288 00:12:42,792 --> 00:12:45,790 I am a prominent business leader And a highly sought after dinner guest 289 00:12:45,791 --> 00:12:49,775 And i will not take courting advice From some teenage boy. 290 00:12:49,776 --> 00:12:53,196 well, this teenage boy is a quarterback and a prom king. 291 00:12:53,197 --> 00:12:56,573 - you're not prom king anymore, troy. This isn't riverside high. 292 00:12:56,574 --> 00:12:58,199 - how'd you know i went there? 293 00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:02,569 - because you're still wearing your stupid letter jacket. 294 00:13:02,570 --> 00:13:05,289 And more importantly, I sat behind you in Algebra. 295 00:13:06,018 --> 00:13:08,821 Wait, you're that girl that got hooked on pills and then dropped out. 296 00:13:08,822 --> 00:13:10,611 You're little Annie "Adderall". 297 00:13:10,612 --> 00:13:13,949 Yes, and you are a stupid jock who lost his scholarship 298 00:13:13,950 --> 00:13:16,100 by dislocating both shoulders in a keg stand. 299 00:13:16,101 --> 00:13:18,228 Keg flip. They're very hard to pull off. 300 00:13:18,229 --> 00:13:21,425 You don't know-- I'm a legend. 301 00:13:26,597 --> 00:13:28,601 You know what I got for Christmas? 302 00:13:29,684 --> 00:13:32,491 It was a banner year at the Bender family. 303 00:13:32,492 --> 00:13:34,832 I got a carton of cigarettes. 304 00:13:34,833 --> 00:13:38,583 The old man grabbed me, he said, "Hey, smoke up, Johnny!" 305 00:13:39,833 --> 00:13:42,047 "No, dad! What about you?" 306 00:13:45,680 --> 00:13:46,823 Well, uh... that-- 307 00:13:47,062 --> 00:13:49,970 That actually was from The Breakfast Club. 308 00:13:51,068 --> 00:13:53,040 Nobody puts baby in the corner. 309 00:13:53,897 --> 00:13:55,462 Dirty Dancing. 310 00:13:55,463 --> 00:13:57,180 Hello. It's Professor Duncan. 311 00:13:57,181 --> 00:13:59,276 Come to the parking lot now. 312 00:13:59,403 --> 00:14:00,990 What's wrong with your voice? 313 00:14:00,991 --> 00:14:02,484 I'm disguising it. 314 00:14:04,396 --> 00:14:05,396 Uh, I'll be right back. 315 00:14:05,397 --> 00:14:08,967 But while I'm gone, you guys need to hash this stuff out. 316 00:14:08,968 --> 00:14:10,968 No stone unturned. 317 00:14:11,133 --> 00:14:12,817 - Go! - What does that... 318 00:14:12,818 --> 00:14:16,105 - I can't feel my... 319 00:14:21,051 --> 00:14:22,490 Get in the car! 320 00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:29,166 Act as if either you have just finished or yet to begin driving. 321 00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:34,349 Every answer to every test in your curriculum this semester. 322 00:14:34,350 --> 00:14:36,427 I knew you could do it, buddy. Thank you. 323 00:14:36,428 --> 00:14:38,273 Whoa there, grabby-grabby. 324 00:14:38,852 --> 00:14:42,132 - What do I get? - The satisfaction of being even. 325 00:14:42,133 --> 00:14:45,049 Even, fairness, right, wrong. There is no God. 326 00:14:45,050 --> 00:14:47,350 - Booyah, booyah. - What do you want from me? 327 00:14:47,660 --> 00:14:50,760 - Your Lexus. - My car for a semester's worth of answers? 328 00:14:50,761 --> 00:14:53,143 Will it be just a semester though, Jeff? 329 00:14:53,144 --> 00:14:56,426 Won't you be taking the easy way out for the next four years? 330 00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:58,349 I want payment in advance. 331 00:14:58,350 --> 00:15:00,950 I want leather seats with built-in ball warmers. 332 00:15:00,951 --> 00:15:04,890 You know, bluffs this weak are how your people lost the colonies. 333 00:15:04,891 --> 00:15:07,175 Have a nice disbarment hearing. 334 00:15:08,308 --> 00:15:11,173 - What am I supposed to drive? - Why don't you take this car? It's good for the earth. 335 00:15:11,174 --> 00:15:14,490 Yeah, so is wiping your butt with a leaf, but it's not how a man gets around! 336 00:15:20,804 --> 00:15:22,106 A golf kart! 337 00:15:27,997 --> 00:15:31,312 - It is a disaster in there. - Yeah, untutorable. 338 00:15:31,716 --> 00:15:34,318 - You like Thai food? I love Thai food. - Wait... 339 00:15:34,319 --> 00:15:35,874 so... this is a game to you? 340 00:15:35,875 --> 00:15:38,979 You put human beings into a state of emotional shambles 341 00:15:38,980 --> 00:15:40,592 for a shot at getting in my pants? 342 00:15:40,593 --> 00:15:43,287 Why can't you see that for the compliment that it is? 343 00:15:44,008 --> 00:15:46,824 Ok, ok. I'm sorry. It was an accident. 344 00:15:47,218 --> 00:15:49,775 I did a little bit of lying to get close to you. 345 00:15:49,925 --> 00:15:52,833 But how was I suppose to know that you were smart and cool... 346 00:15:52,834 --> 00:15:54,643 I mean, you look like Elisabeth Shue. 347 00:15:54,644 --> 00:15:56,281 - You're unbelievable. - What do you want me to do? 348 00:15:56,282 --> 00:16:00,342 Oh, maybe one decent thing could be to go in there and clean up your mess. 349 00:16:00,343 --> 00:16:03,459 Okay, I am the Barack Obama of this room. 350 00:16:03,755 --> 00:16:06,655 Okay, if i do that, then dinner, right? 351 00:16:09,199 --> 00:16:10,723 Yeah, fine, whatever. 352 00:16:10,724 --> 00:16:15,227 As if there's a dinner on Earth that could make me forget you are a shallow douchebag. 353 00:16:15,228 --> 00:16:18,326 Oh, you're gonna eat those words when you see my new car. 354 00:16:24,441 --> 00:16:26,344 All right, everybody! 355 00:16:26,797 --> 00:16:28,897 I want to say something. Everybody, sit down. 356 00:16:29,508 --> 00:16:32,134 You don't have to yell. 357 00:16:34,529 --> 00:16:36,693 You know what makes humans different from other animals? 358 00:16:36,694 --> 00:16:37,865 Feet. 359 00:16:38,111 --> 00:16:40,166 No, no, no, come on. Bears have feet. 360 00:16:40,167 --> 00:16:43,995 We're the only species on Earth that observes Shark Week. 361 00:16:44,604 --> 00:16:47,518 Sharks don't even observe Shark Week, but we do. 362 00:16:47,749 --> 00:16:51,278 For the same reason I can pick up this pencil, tell you it's name is Steve, 363 00:16:51,279 --> 00:16:52,830 and go like this. 364 00:16:53,123 --> 00:16:56,573 And part of you dies just a little bit on the inside, 365 00:16:56,739 --> 00:16:59,647 because people can connect with anything. 366 00:16:59,879 --> 00:17:01,470 We can sympathize with a pencil. 367 00:17:01,471 --> 00:17:05,562 We can forgive a shark. And we can give Ben Affleck an Academy Award for Screenwriting. 368 00:17:05,563 --> 00:17:06,666 - Big mistake. - He's got a point. 369 00:17:06,667 --> 00:17:11,265 People can find the good in just about anything but themselves. 370 00:17:11,513 --> 00:17:14,628 Look at me. It's clear to all of you that I am awesome, 371 00:17:14,914 --> 00:17:17,648 but I can never admit that, because that would make me an ass. 372 00:17:17,649 --> 00:17:20,606 But what I can do is see what makes Annie awesome. 373 00:17:20,607 --> 00:17:21,707 She's driven. 374 00:17:21,739 --> 00:17:25,107 We need driven people or the lights go out and the ice cream melts. 375 00:17:25,108 --> 00:17:27,643 And Pierce. We need guys like Pierce. 376 00:17:27,644 --> 00:17:29,904 This guy has wisdom to offer. 377 00:17:29,905 --> 00:17:32,591 - The Dalai Lama and I-- - We should listen to him sometime. 378 00:17:32,592 --> 00:17:33,740 We wouldn't regret it. 379 00:17:33,741 --> 00:17:34,833 And Shirley. 380 00:17:35,078 --> 00:17:37,043 Shirley has earned our respect, 381 00:17:37,044 --> 00:17:40,166 Not as a wife, not as a mother, but as a woman. 382 00:17:40,391 --> 00:17:42,870 And don't test her on that, because that thing about the jukebox 383 00:17:42,871 --> 00:17:44,915 was way too specific to be improvised. 384 00:17:44,916 --> 00:17:45,991 And Troy. 385 00:17:46,149 --> 00:17:48,744 Who cares if Troy thinks he's all that? 386 00:17:48,745 --> 00:17:49,995 Maybe he is. 387 00:17:50,030 --> 00:17:53,017 You think astronauts go to the moon because they hate oxygen? No! 388 00:17:53,018 --> 00:17:56,051 They're trying to impress their high-school prom king. 389 00:17:56,052 --> 00:17:57,227 And Abed. 390 00:17:57,518 --> 00:17:59,138 Abed's a shaman. 391 00:17:59,139 --> 00:18:02,685 You ask him to pass the salt, he gives you a bowl of soup, 392 00:18:02,693 --> 00:18:05,288 because you know what? Soup is better. 393 00:18:05,289 --> 00:18:06,639 Abed is better. 394 00:18:06,645 --> 00:18:09,129 You are all better than you think you are. 395 00:18:09,305 --> 00:18:12,214 You are just designed not to believe it when you hear it from yourself. 396 00:18:12,356 --> 00:18:13,425 Soup? 397 00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:16,024 I want you to look to the person to your left. 398 00:18:17,172 --> 00:18:19,782 Sorry. Look at the person sitting next to you. 399 00:18:19,783 --> 00:18:21,087 Look at her? Okay. 400 00:18:21,088 --> 00:18:22,445 - This? - Yeah. 401 00:18:22,446 --> 00:18:25,228 I want you to extend to that person 402 00:18:25,555 --> 00:18:29,405 the same compassion that you extend to sharks, pencils, and Ben Affleck. 403 00:18:29,498 --> 00:18:31,395 I want you to say to that person, 404 00:18:31,396 --> 00:18:32,546 "I forgive you." 405 00:18:33,681 --> 00:18:35,484 - I forgive you. - I forgive you. 406 00:18:35,714 --> 00:18:37,638 - I forgive you. - You little twerp. 407 00:18:37,870 --> 00:18:39,872 Pierce, I'd like you to say, "I forgive you." 408 00:18:40,145 --> 00:18:41,395 He didn't say it? 409 00:18:41,856 --> 00:18:42,959 I forgive you. 410 00:18:43,149 --> 00:18:45,249 You've just stopped being a study group. 411 00:18:45,576 --> 00:18:47,125 You have become something... 412 00:18:47,186 --> 00:18:48,536 unstoppable. 413 00:18:49,260 --> 00:18:50,973 I hereby pronounce you... 414 00:18:51,241 --> 00:18:52,534 a community. 415 00:18:53,021 --> 00:18:54,221 Oh, that's nice. 416 00:18:54,603 --> 00:18:55,703 I like that. 417 00:18:58,903 --> 00:19:00,657 This isn't like Breakfast Club anymore. 418 00:19:00,658 --> 00:19:02,959 Now it's like Stripes or Meatballs. Anything with Bill Murray, really. 419 00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:05,960 I agree with Abed that tonight has been very special. 420 00:19:06,656 --> 00:19:08,122 And now, if you'll excuse me, 421 00:19:08,123 --> 00:19:10,175 I have a dinner engagement with Britta. 422 00:19:10,745 --> 00:19:11,810 Britta? 423 00:19:12,038 --> 00:19:13,279 I lied. 424 00:19:14,047 --> 00:19:15,844 Thanks for calming everyone down. 425 00:19:15,845 --> 00:19:18,622 but since you're not a Spanish tutor, just a lying creep 426 00:19:18,623 --> 00:19:21,864 who purposely upset everyone in an attempt to get with me, 427 00:19:21,865 --> 00:19:25,569 I'd appreciate it if you left and stopped wasting all of our time. 428 00:19:25,570 --> 00:19:26,964 Everybody ready? 429 00:19:28,382 --> 00:19:29,509 Fine. 430 00:19:30,693 --> 00:19:32,543 And I'm happy to report 431 00:19:32,683 --> 00:19:35,557 that one of the benefits of being a lying creep 432 00:19:35,726 --> 00:19:38,651 is having all the answers to tomorrow's test. 433 00:19:38,859 --> 00:19:41,945 And I'm happy to share them with anyone whose time I've wasted more 434 00:19:41,946 --> 00:19:43,801 than they've wasted mine. 435 00:19:43,802 --> 00:19:48,082 Uh, Jeff, if you have all the answers, why the hell did you start this study group? 436 00:19:48,083 --> 00:19:50,035 I don't have a study group, Pierce. I made it up. 437 00:19:50,036 --> 00:19:52,655 - What about the "Look Left" speech? - Made it up. That's what I do. 438 00:19:52,656 --> 00:19:56,339 I make things up, and I got paid a lot of money 439 00:19:56,340 --> 00:19:58,555 to do it before I came to this school-shaped toilet. 440 00:19:58,556 --> 00:19:59,994 I was a lawyer. 441 00:20:00,291 --> 00:20:02,058 - Oh, God. - That explains everything. 442 00:20:02,998 --> 00:20:06,960 You know, I thought you were like Bill Murray in any of his films, but you're more like Michael Douglas in any of his films. 443 00:20:06,961 --> 00:20:08,026 - Yeah? - Yeah. 444 00:20:08,027 --> 00:20:09,440 Well, you have Asperger's. 445 00:20:10,950 --> 00:20:12,100 What did he say? 446 00:20:13,187 --> 00:20:14,187 "Ass-burger". 447 00:20:14,188 --> 00:20:16,383 - It's a serious disorder. - It really is. 448 00:20:16,384 --> 00:20:18,752 If it's so serious, why don't they call it meningitis? 449 00:20:21,170 --> 00:20:23,194 - "Ass-burger". - Burger for your ass. 450 00:20:37,111 --> 00:20:38,612 ♪ ♪ 451 00:20:46,287 --> 00:20:49,467 Jeffrey, before you say anything, you may want to think about the gift you've been given. 452 00:20:49,468 --> 00:20:52,282 - An excuse to punch a hippy? - No. No, not that. 453 00:20:52,283 --> 00:20:55,120 An important lesson, my friend. You see, 454 00:20:55,474 --> 00:20:59,613 the tools you acquired to survive out there will not help you here at Greendale. 455 00:20:59,614 --> 00:21:03,248 What you have, my friend, is a second chance at an honest life. 456 00:21:03,249 --> 00:21:06,040 Why are people trying to teach me things 457 00:21:06,074 --> 00:21:09,027 At a school that has an express tuition aisle? 458 00:21:09,324 --> 00:21:12,552 - Give me the keys. - No, I have to keep your car for-- 459 00:21:12,553 --> 00:21:14,304 Don't hit me. Please, don't hit me. 460 00:21:14,464 --> 00:21:15,902 Jeffrey, Jeffrey! 461 00:21:16,259 --> 00:21:17,709 Are we cool? 462 00:21:18,168 --> 00:21:19,358 Are we cool? 463 00:21:21,203 --> 00:21:22,360 We're cool. 464 00:21:24,352 --> 00:21:25,902 I like you, Jeffrey. 465 00:21:27,893 --> 00:21:30,393 You remind me of myself at your age. 466 00:21:31,391 --> 00:21:32,541 I deserve that. 467 00:21:33,010 --> 00:21:34,227 You know, 468 00:21:34,860 --> 00:21:36,265 I've been divorced 469 00:21:36,836 --> 00:21:38,012 seven times. 470 00:21:39,454 --> 00:21:41,441 Sometimes, I think I'm doing something wrong. 471 00:21:47,311 --> 00:21:49,311 You keep getting married. 472 00:21:50,076 --> 00:21:51,844 I never looked at it that way. 473 00:21:55,142 --> 00:21:57,158 Shouldn't you guys be studying? 474 00:21:57,159 --> 00:21:59,874 Yeah, things got kind of boring after you left. 475 00:22:00,004 --> 00:22:01,517 Let me ask you something. 476 00:22:01,872 --> 00:22:04,888 People becloud me for wearing this jacket ever since I got here, but 477 00:22:05,377 --> 00:22:07,091 If I take it off to make them happy, 478 00:22:07,220 --> 00:22:09,170 That just makes me weak, right? 479 00:22:09,326 --> 00:22:10,455 Listen, 480 00:22:10,611 --> 00:22:11,954 it doesn't matter. 481 00:22:11,955 --> 00:22:14,959 You lose the jacket to please them, you keep it to piss them off, 482 00:22:15,330 --> 00:22:16,480 Either way 483 00:22:16,481 --> 00:22:17,781 It's for them. 484 00:22:18,157 --> 00:22:19,610 That's what's weak.. 485 00:22:20,455 --> 00:22:21,631 Wow. 486 00:22:22,995 --> 00:22:24,778 You just wrinkled my brain, man. 487 00:22:24,779 --> 00:22:26,724 - He's good, isn't he? - He's really good. 488 00:22:26,725 --> 00:22:30,208 Shouldn't you be rolling around on a bed covered in test answers? 489 00:22:33,664 --> 00:22:35,328 I don't have any of the answers. 490 00:22:36,057 --> 00:22:37,866 I'm gonna-- I'm gonna flunk the test. 491 00:22:37,867 --> 00:22:40,424 You just, like, study for, like, an hour. It's not that hard. 492 00:22:40,648 --> 00:22:42,678 You seem pretty smart. You got a sports coat. 493 00:22:42,679 --> 00:22:43,829 I am me... 494 00:22:44,102 --> 00:22:45,620 Well, the funny thing about being smart 495 00:22:45,621 --> 00:22:48,571 is that you can get through most of life without ever having to do any work. 496 00:22:48,910 --> 00:22:50,079 So, uh... 497 00:22:50,887 --> 00:22:52,868 I'm not really sure how to do that. 498 00:23:05,543 --> 00:23:06,601 What's going on? 499 00:23:06,602 --> 00:23:08,286 Can you guys hear me? Am I deaf? 500 00:23:08,287 --> 00:23:10,529 - Can you hear me talking right now? - Yes. 501 00:23:10,530 --> 00:23:11,730 That's good. 502 00:23:13,905 --> 00:23:14,905 You know what? 503 00:23:14,906 --> 00:23:18,266 Jeff, actually, we didn't get that far without you, so 504 00:23:18,267 --> 00:23:20,471 if you want to come back upstairs-- 505 00:23:23,500 --> 00:23:24,672 Really? 506 00:23:25,056 --> 00:23:27,301 Well, it is your study group, so. 507 00:23:27,391 --> 00:23:28,691 Come on, let's study. 508 00:23:28,782 --> 00:23:29,932 Sounds good. 509 00:23:30,145 --> 00:23:31,445 No pressure. 510 00:23:41,452 --> 00:23:44,439 I'm sorry I called you Michael Douglas and I see your value now. 511 00:23:46,599 --> 00:23:49,899 Well, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. 512 00:24:02,009 --> 00:24:07,869 Transcripted on Addic7ed by honeybunny & VeRdiKT www.addic7ed.com