1 00:00:15,875 --> 00:00:17,046 Good morning. 2 00:00:19,049 --> 00:00:22,639 How do we turn this off? Mother, you think you can come and help me turn it off? 3 00:00:23,603 --> 00:00:25,874 How do we turn this off? Can you help me with this? 4 00:00:25,875 --> 00:00:28,365 Oh, thank you, thank you so much. I didn't mean to snap. 5 00:00:28,367 --> 00:00:30,367 - uh, good morning. 6 00:00:30,434 --> 00:00:32,434 Many of you are halfway through 7 00:00:32,501 --> 00:00:34,201 Your first week here at greendale 8 00:00:34,267 --> 00:00:37,568 And as your dean, i thought i would 9 00:00:37,633 --> 00:00:41,101 Share a few thoughts of wisdom and inspiration. 10 00:00:41,167 --> 00:00:42,934 What is community college? 11 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:45,734 Well, you've heard all kinds of things. 12 00:00:45,800 --> 00:00:48,533 You've heard it's "loser college 13 00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:52,634 For remedial teens, 20-something dropouts, 14 00:00:52,650 --> 00:00:53,951 Middle-age divorcees, 15 00:00:56,318 --> 00:00:58,251 And old people keeping their minds active 16 00:00:58,318 --> 00:01:01,117 As they circle the drain of eternity." 17 00:01:01,184 --> 00:01:03,318 That's what you heard. 18 00:01:03,383 --> 00:01:06,151 However, i wish you luck! 19 00:01:10,117 --> 00:01:12,684 Okay, you know-- uh-oh. 20 00:01:12,750 --> 00:01:14,151 Okay, there's more to this speech. 21 00:01:14,218 --> 00:01:15,318 There's actually a middle card that is missing. 22 00:01:15,383 --> 00:01:17,383 Can we all look around our immediate areas, 23 00:01:17,450 --> 00:01:18,951 'cause i really wanted to-- 24 00:01:19,017 --> 00:01:19,818 - i'm only half-arabic, actually. 25 00:01:19,884 --> 00:01:21,484 My dad is palestinian. he's a u.s. citizen. 26 00:01:21,551 --> 00:01:23,050 He's not a threat to national security or anything. 27 00:01:23,117 --> 00:01:24,317 A lot of people want to know that after they meet him, 28 00:01:24,384 --> 00:01:25,451 Because he has an angry energy. 29 00:01:25,517 --> 00:01:26,517 But not, like, angry at america. 30 00:01:26,584 --> 00:01:27,884 Just angry at my mom for leaving him. 31 00:01:27,950 --> 00:01:29,184 Although she did leave because he was angry 32 00:01:29,250 --> 00:01:30,717 And he was angry because she's american. 33 00:01:30,784 --> 00:01:32,484 My name's abed, by the way. 34 00:01:32,551 --> 00:01:35,751 - abed, nice to know you and then meet you in that order. 35 00:01:35,818 --> 00:01:37,451 Now about that question that i had-- 36 00:01:37,517 --> 00:01:38,918 - oh, uh... 37 00:01:38,983 --> 00:01:40,651 5 after 11:00 when you asked. 38 00:01:40,717 --> 00:01:42,050 - abed? - yeah? 39 00:01:42,117 --> 00:01:44,350 - what's the deal with the hot girl from spanish class? 40 00:01:44,417 --> 00:01:46,184 I can't find a road in there. 41 00:01:46,250 --> 00:01:47,551 - well, i only talked to her once 42 00:01:47,617 --> 00:01:49,584 While she was borrowing a pencil, but... 43 00:01:49,651 --> 00:01:51,350 Her name is britta, she's 28, birthday in october, 44 00:01:51,417 --> 00:01:52,584 She has two older brothers and one of 'em 45 00:01:52,651 --> 00:01:53,684 Works with children who have a disorder 46 00:01:53,751 --> 00:01:54,851 I might want to look up. 47 00:01:54,918 --> 00:01:56,083 Oh, and she thinks she's gonna flunk 48 00:01:56,150 --> 00:01:57,350 Tomorrow's test, so she really needs to focus 49 00:01:57,417 --> 00:01:59,851 So she's sorry if that makes her seem cold. 50 00:01:59,918 --> 00:02:01,083 - holy crap. 51 00:02:01,150 --> 00:02:01,811 Abed... 52 00:02:02,318 --> 00:02:05,384 I see your value now. 53 00:02:06,951 --> 00:02:09,117 - that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. 54 00:02:11,956 --> 00:02:13,306 Absolutely not. 55 00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:18,029 If these guys knew you like I did they would have given you a small office. 56 00:02:18,184 --> 00:02:19,417 - jeff winger! 57 00:02:19,484 --> 00:02:21,284 Genius at law. 58 00:02:21,351 --> 00:02:24,884 - you got to stop saying that. - i will never do that. sit down 59 00:02:24,885 --> 00:02:27,485 I still cannot figure out how you gonna join 60 00:02:27,486 --> 00:02:29,536 September the 11th with my DUI, 61 00:02:29,537 --> 00:02:31,337 that alone, why that helped. 62 00:02:31,338 --> 00:02:33,638 Well, 2002 was a simple time. 63 00:02:33,625 --> 00:02:35,916 So what is my lawyer doing here? 64 00:02:36,445 --> 00:02:37,845 - i'm a student. 65 00:02:39,029 --> 00:02:41,730 - well, that cannot be an inspiring journey. 66 00:02:41,731 --> 00:02:43,703 - uh, i am in a bit of a jam. 67 00:02:43,704 --> 00:02:46,505 The state bar has suspended my license. 68 00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:50,175 They found out my college degree Was less than legitimate. 69 00:02:50,176 --> 00:02:52,093 - i thought you had a bachelor's from columbia. 70 00:02:52,094 --> 00:02:54,387 - now i have to get one from america. 71 00:02:54,388 --> 00:02:56,361 - and it can't be an email attachment. 72 00:02:56,362 --> 00:02:58,133 - well, you've picked a fine school. 73 00:02:58,134 --> 00:03:01,440 - yes, and i'm hoping that our friendship 74 00:03:01,566 --> 00:03:03,161 Will yield certain advantages. 75 00:03:03,162 --> 00:03:04,784 You know, academic guidance... - yes. 76 00:03:04,785 --> 00:03:06,172 - moral support, 77 00:03:06,173 --> 00:03:08,900 Every answer to every test 78 00:03:09,049 --> 00:03:10,978 For every one of the classes that i'm taking. 79 00:03:11,013 --> 00:03:13,543 Here's my schedule. - no. Now, jeff, just by asking that, 80 00:03:14,544 --> 00:03:18,301 You have insulted the integrity of this entire institution. 81 00:03:19,221 --> 00:03:20,938 Waster! not a bathroom! 82 00:03:20,939 --> 00:03:23,581 Not a bathroom. - okay. Duncan, you... 83 00:03:23,582 --> 00:03:27,027 did seem less into integrity The day that i convinced 84 00:03:27,028 --> 00:03:30,787 12 of yours peers that when you made that u-turn on the freeway 85 00:03:30,788 --> 00:03:33,645 And tried to order chalupas from the emergency call box, 86 00:03:33,646 --> 00:03:35,583 That your only real crime was loving america. 87 00:03:36,184 --> 00:03:38,954 Well, I do love America, I do love it, very much. 88 00:03:40,176 --> 00:03:42,282 I love chalupas. 89 00:03:42,477 --> 00:03:43,642 But... 90 00:03:43,816 --> 00:03:45,438 - i'll look into it. - thank you. 91 00:03:45,439 --> 00:03:47,687 Duncan, you are a good man. 92 00:03:48,086 --> 00:03:51,932 - jeff, are you familiar with the adage, "cheaters never prosper"? 93 00:03:51,933 --> 00:03:53,010 No... 94 00:03:53,011 --> 00:03:56,300 and if i wanted to learn something, I wouldn't have come to community college. 95 00:04:01,633 --> 00:04:04,125 Transcripted on Addic7ed by honeybunny and VeRdiKT www.addic7ed.com 98 00:04:33,647 --> 00:04:35,838 - whoa. I wouldn't dream of it. 99 00:04:35,839 --> 00:04:39,133 I just wanted to let you know about my spanish study group. 100 00:04:41,242 --> 00:04:45,210 the guy who's playing bejeweled on his iphone all class has a study group? 101 00:04:45,211 --> 00:04:46,719 Um, can i sign up twice? 102 00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:50,607 - i'm taking the class as an easy credit. I'm actually a spanish tutor. 103 00:04:50,608 --> 00:04:53,422 - Board certified. - can you say that in spanish now? 104 00:04:53,747 --> 00:04:58,231 - [speaking spanish] 105 00:05:00,507 --> 00:05:04,007 - i really need help with spanish. - yeah, i was willing to bet.. i'm jeff. 106 00:05:04,008 --> 00:05:05,008 Or "Jefe". 107 00:05:05,009 --> 00:05:05,875 Boss. 108 00:05:05,876 --> 00:05:08,856 - We meet at the library at 4:00. - yeah, britta. thanks. 109 00:05:11,099 --> 00:05:12,345 You gonna be there? 110 00:05:13,839 --> 00:05:15,089 Un po' di piu'. 111 00:05:15,242 --> 00:05:17,092 That means "See you there". 112 00:05:18,168 --> 00:05:20,942 Shouldn't be too hard to fake a study group, right? 113 00:05:21,509 --> 00:05:23,615 Oh, geez, I'm sorry... I... 114 00:05:23,808 --> 00:05:27,127 I was raised on TV and I was conditioned to believe that every... 115 00:05:27,128 --> 00:05:30,028 Black woman over 50 is a cosmic mentor.. 116 00:05:31,889 --> 00:05:35,318 Were you conditioned to pay for your damn taco, Sanfield? 117 00:05:35,319 --> 00:05:37,219 Yes, I'm so sorry. 118 00:05:37,478 --> 00:05:38,709 It's Seinfeld. 119 00:05:41,321 --> 00:05:43,792 Group Study Room 120 00:05:44,238 --> 00:05:45,484 Bienvenido. 121 00:05:45,946 --> 00:05:47,340 Bienvenuto! 122 00:05:47,572 --> 00:05:49,059 Hey, all right, come on in. 123 00:05:49,687 --> 00:05:51,927 - I got the whole table. Welcome. - Yeah. 124 00:05:51,928 --> 00:05:54,204 - We have the whole room. - Yeah, here's the, uh... 125 00:05:55,401 --> 00:05:57,611 contact sheet. Just put your stuff there. 126 00:05:58,780 --> 00:06:00,026 Man. 127 00:06:00,945 --> 00:06:02,808 Rest of the group is running late. 128 00:06:02,809 --> 00:06:04,588 But you and i can get acquainted. 129 00:06:04,589 --> 00:06:07,416 - you may have noticed this morning, Not so good at the small talk. 130 00:06:07,417 --> 00:06:09,123 - yeah, i like big talk. what's your deal? 131 00:06:09,124 --> 00:06:12,286 - that's not small talk? - what's your deal and is god dead? 132 00:06:12,811 --> 00:06:14,482 - all right, you want to know my deal? 133 00:06:14,483 --> 00:06:17,200 I dropped out of high-school because 134 00:06:17,235 --> 00:06:18,797 I thought for some reason it would impress Radiohead. 135 00:06:18,798 --> 00:06:21,115 You'd be surprised what gets back to these guys. 136 00:06:21,274 --> 00:06:23,524 I joined the peace corp. 137 00:06:24,446 --> 00:06:25,995 I did a little foot modelling, 138 00:06:25,996 --> 00:06:28,169 I got tear gased in a World Trade Rally... 139 00:06:28,170 --> 00:06:29,389 Marry me. 140 00:06:29,390 --> 00:06:33,182 And I think, Jeff, my deal is above all else, honesty. 141 00:06:34,074 --> 00:06:35,579 - honesty? - yeah. 142 00:06:35,580 --> 00:06:37,352 You tell me the truth, i will like you. 143 00:06:37,353 --> 00:06:39,949 You lie to me, i will never talk to you again. That's my deal. 144 00:06:40,157 --> 00:06:42,259 - ah, that's a good deal. - So what's your deal? 145 00:06:43,107 --> 00:06:46,394 - uh, i would have to go-- I would have to say, 146 00:06:46,964 --> 00:06:48,120 um, honesty, 147 00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:49,431 Because... 148 00:06:49,588 --> 00:06:52,734 I would say anything to get what i want. 149 00:06:52,735 --> 00:06:54,714 And i want you to like me. So, uh.. 150 00:06:57,350 --> 00:06:59,550 - wow. that's a very honest answer. 151 00:07:00,014 --> 00:07:01,814 All right, now i like you fine. 152 00:07:01,898 --> 00:07:04,727 - really? Wow. you're easy. - hell yeah. 153 00:07:05,122 --> 00:07:07,364 Abed in the house! 154 00:07:10,218 --> 00:07:12,608 - why? - britta invited me. is that cool? 155 00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:15,605 - oh, i can't think of a single logical reason why not. 156 00:07:15,606 --> 00:07:17,642 - cool. - there you go. 157 00:07:17,677 --> 00:07:20,012 Oh, hey, here. Put your contact info down right there. 158 00:07:20,013 --> 00:07:22,480 That's right. - cool, cool, cool. 159 00:07:22,515 --> 00:07:24,017 Cool, cool, cool. 160 00:07:25,307 --> 00:07:27,037 hey, this is kind of like breakfast club, huh? 161 00:07:27,038 --> 00:07:28,668 - we are in a library. - yeah. 162 00:07:28,669 --> 00:07:31,618 i'm sure we've each got an issue balled up inside of us that would make us cry if we talked about it. 163 00:07:31,619 --> 00:07:34,193 - do you have something balled up inside of you? 164 00:07:34,562 --> 00:07:37,138 - well, i got a little doozy in the chamber if things get emotional. 165 00:07:39,882 --> 00:07:41,217 Oh. hey, text message. 166 00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:44,004 - Let's give this bad boy a read. - it's probably just for your eyes. 167 00:07:44,005 --> 00:07:46,763 - I've never got one of these - Well, it's jut.. You probably... 168 00:07:46,764 --> 00:07:49,753 - it's probably just for your eyes. - "say you have to pee. i need to talk to you." 169 00:07:51,175 --> 00:07:52,689 "say you have to pee." 170 00:07:52,690 --> 00:07:53,958 - that is weird. 171 00:07:53,959 --> 00:07:56,340 - "say you have to pee. I need to talk to you." - do you have to pee? 172 00:07:56,341 --> 00:07:58,947 - no. - hmm. 173 00:07:58,948 --> 00:08:00,851 - that's so weird. - well, i'm stumped. That's very creepy. 175 00:08:03,797 --> 00:08:05,566 - no, it's just someone 176 00:08:05,567 --> 00:08:08,006 With a misguided grasp of abbreviation. 177 00:08:08,184 --> 00:08:11,202 I just need five minutes, you guys, So go ahead and study 178 00:08:11,381 --> 00:08:13,145 all the verbs...in spanish. 179 00:08:13,784 --> 00:08:14,976 - Abed... - Yeah? 180 00:08:14,977 --> 00:08:16,337 What's your read on that guy? 181 00:08:19,025 --> 00:08:20,625 You look like Elisabeth Shue. 182 00:08:22,966 --> 00:08:26,642 Act natural, pretend you are watching the athletic proceedings. 183 00:08:26,643 --> 00:08:28,620 I couldn't stop watching them. 184 00:08:28,621 --> 00:08:32,613 There's a guy going for the track, that's older than the game of poker. 185 00:08:33,732 --> 00:08:35,232 He's kinda cracking. 186 00:08:35,716 --> 00:08:39,756 - suppose i was to say to you It was possible to get those test answers? 187 00:08:39,757 --> 00:08:42,597 - i would say, "go for that," And could have said so in a text. 188 00:08:42,598 --> 00:08:45,770 - i'm asking you if you know the difference Between right and wrong. 189 00:08:46,522 --> 00:08:49,385 - i discovered at a very early age That if i talk long enough, 190 00:08:49,386 --> 00:08:51,463 I could make anything right or wrong. 191 00:08:51,464 --> 00:08:54,341 So either i'm god or truth is relative. 192 00:08:54,376 --> 00:08:56,076 And in either case, booyah. 193 00:08:56,490 --> 00:08:59,494 - oh, interesting. It's just the average person has a much harder time saying, 194 00:08:59,495 --> 00:09:01,405 "booyah," to moral relativism. 195 00:09:01,406 --> 00:09:03,967 - duncan, you don't have to play shrink To protect your pride. 196 00:09:03,968 --> 00:09:05,723 I accept. you're chicken. 197 00:09:05,724 --> 00:09:08,207 Are you trying to use reverse psychology on a psychologist? 198 00:09:08,208 --> 00:09:11,487 No, I'm just using regular psychology on a spineless, British twit. 199 00:09:11,488 --> 00:09:13,415 - i'm a professor. you can't talk to me that way. 200 00:09:14,016 --> 00:09:17,317 - a six-year-old girl could talk to you that way. - yes, because that would be adorable! 201 00:09:17,352 --> 00:09:20,740 - No, because you're a five-year-old girl And there's a pecking order. 202 00:09:20,741 --> 00:09:22,657 - fine! i'll do it! - thank you. 203 00:09:22,658 --> 00:09:24,358 - yeah, pleasure. 204 00:09:24,486 --> 00:09:25,486 Bye! 205 00:09:25,634 --> 00:09:27,008 Yes! good! 206 00:09:27,336 --> 00:09:29,237 Why am i still shouting? 207 00:09:29,238 --> 00:09:30,810 I'm drawing attention to myself. 208 00:09:30,990 --> 00:09:34,095 - you guys aren't gonna believe this, But the rest of the group... 209 00:09:35,311 --> 00:09:36,456 Is here. 210 00:09:36,628 --> 00:09:39,058 - are you the board-certified tutor? 211 00:09:39,059 --> 00:09:40,853 - that means you do my homework, right, Seacrest? 212 00:09:40,854 --> 00:09:42,920 - i need to call my babysitter If we're gon' be later than 10:00. 213 00:09:42,921 --> 00:09:44,699 - what board certifies a tutor? 214 00:09:44,700 --> 00:09:45,917 - where's britta? - not sure. 215 00:09:45,918 --> 00:09:48,430 But i invited more people from spanish class. Is that cool? 216 00:09:48,431 --> 00:09:50,128 - it's the coolest. 217 00:09:50,870 --> 00:09:53,688 I'm gonna go to the bathroom 218 00:09:53,723 --> 00:09:56,190 And bring my jacket, 219 00:09:56,225 --> 00:09:58,633 wallet, and keys with me 220 00:09:59,956 --> 00:10:01,406 In case there's a fire. 221 00:10:02,234 --> 00:10:03,371 - should we go with him? 222 00:10:03,372 --> 00:10:05,323 - i'm leaving my homework with slumdog millionaire over here. 223 00:10:05,324 --> 00:10:07,274 - that's borderline racist, i think. 224 00:10:11,251 --> 00:10:12,929 - and busted. 225 00:10:13,646 --> 00:10:16,325 - uh, listen. - now you know. I'm a smoker. 226 00:10:17,511 --> 00:10:19,999 - yeah, but they're filtered, so that makes them safe. 227 00:10:20,419 --> 00:10:23,124 - you ready to get started? Looks like the rest of your group showed up. 228 00:10:23,125 --> 00:10:26,453 - yeah, not mine, actually. I think abed took out a page on craigslist. 229 00:10:26,454 --> 00:10:28,331 And i was trained never to say this, 230 00:10:28,332 --> 00:10:30,975 But i think that group may be untutorable. 231 00:10:31,010 --> 00:10:32,110 - oh, really? 232 00:10:32,224 --> 00:10:34,619 - so why don't you and i go study over-- 233 00:10:34,620 --> 00:10:36,323 - dinner? - or drinks. 234 00:10:36,324 --> 00:10:38,859 - i think, actually, we should prioritize here 235 00:10:38,860 --> 00:10:41,279 And study first and then go to dinner. 236 00:10:42,922 --> 00:10:46,739 And if they really prove to be untutorable, we'll slip out early. 237 00:10:48,845 --> 00:10:49,995 - oh...they will be... 238 00:10:50,543 --> 00:10:51,693 untutorable. 239 00:10:59,989 --> 00:11:02,067 - all right. 240 00:11:02,342 --> 00:11:03,863 Look at this crew. 241 00:11:03,898 --> 00:11:06,615 All ready to study all night. 242 00:11:06,650 --> 00:11:07,942 - well, i can stay at least till 10:00. 243 00:11:07,943 --> 00:11:10,418 - but who studies with strangers, right? 244 00:11:10,696 --> 00:11:11,946 My name is jeff. 245 00:11:12,195 --> 00:11:13,435 - jeff, it's a pleasure. 246 00:11:13,565 --> 00:11:15,400 My name is pierce hawthorne and, yes, 247 00:11:15,401 --> 00:11:18,847 That is hawthorne as in hawthorne wipes, The award-winning moist towellete. 248 00:11:19,126 --> 00:11:20,199 - i was just going to ask. 249 00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:22,782 - i'm also a toast master, so perhaps I should do the introductions. 250 00:11:22,783 --> 00:11:24,414 - definitely! - all right, you already know brittles. 251 00:11:24,415 --> 00:11:26,719 - britta. - abed. Abed the arab. 252 00:11:26,754 --> 00:11:28,067 Is that inappropriate? - sure. 253 00:11:28,068 --> 00:11:30,181 - roy. roy the wonder boy. - "Troy". 254 00:11:30,216 --> 00:11:32,257 - little princess elizabeth. - "Annie". 255 00:11:32,527 --> 00:11:35,603 - and finally, this beautiful creature is named shirley. 256 00:11:36,296 --> 00:11:37,512 - is that even close? 257 00:11:39,210 --> 00:11:41,558 - i'd like to know why i had to find out About this group on accident? 258 00:11:41,559 --> 00:11:43,943 - - this is getting way more like breakfast club now. - there's breakfast? 259 00:11:43,944 --> 00:11:45,371 - okay, um, maybe we should get started-- 260 00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:47,940 - you know, i've been a part of a lot of study groups that fell apart 261 00:11:47,941 --> 00:11:49,941 because of unresolved tension. 262 00:11:50,109 --> 00:11:52,861 Shouldn't we address Annie's concern? Did we not invite her? 263 00:11:52,862 --> 00:11:54,632 - well, annie, sweetie, it's not behind your back. 264 00:11:54,633 --> 00:11:57,684 - We just didn't think about... - can we stop with the "pumpkins" and the "sweeties"? 265 00:11:57,937 --> 00:11:59,873 Being younger does not make me inferior. 266 00:11:59,874 --> 00:12:03,421 If anything, your age indicates That you've made bad life decisions. 267 00:12:03,594 --> 00:12:05,582 - shirley has a response to that. - no, no, no. i don't. 268 00:12:05,583 --> 00:12:08,389 - you should. it looks like you do. - please, shirley. 269 00:12:08,390 --> 00:12:10,046 - okay, okay. 270 00:12:10,187 --> 00:12:13,272 I'm sure i've made some bad life decisions 271 00:12:13,428 --> 00:12:16,099 And maybe annie's decisions will be better. 272 00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:19,670 But i think she needs to decide Whether she wants to be considered a child 273 00:12:19,750 --> 00:12:22,071 Or an adult, because children get pity 274 00:12:22,072 --> 00:12:24,798 But not respect. And adults, they get respect, 275 00:12:24,799 --> 00:12:27,436 But they also get the back of they head grabbed And their face pushed through jukeboxes. 276 00:12:27,437 --> 00:12:28,541 - okay. 277 00:12:29,576 --> 00:12:32,880 Why don't we try learning "jukebox" in spanish? 278 00:12:32,881 --> 00:12:34,881 - what are you doing? - pierce! 279 00:12:34,882 --> 00:12:36,961 - Let's discuss this creepiness. - pardon you? 280 00:12:36,962 --> 00:12:38,889 - what are you doing? - i'm certified. 281 00:12:39,061 --> 00:12:42,814 Are you unaware that shirley Finds your advances inappropriate? 282 00:12:44,068 --> 00:12:45,156 what advances? 283 00:12:45,157 --> 00:12:48,465 - you have been sexually harassing me Since the very first day of class. 284 00:12:48,466 --> 00:12:50,116 - sexually harassing? 285 00:12:50,781 --> 00:12:52,760 what? That makes no sense to me. 286 00:12:52,795 --> 00:12:55,914 Why would i harass somebody who turns me on? 287 00:12:55,915 --> 00:12:58,815 - saying she turns you on is the harassment, dude. 288 00:12:59,502 --> 00:13:00,659 - hey. 289 00:13:03,092 --> 00:13:06,090 I am a prominent business leader And a highly sought after dinner guest 290 00:13:06,091 --> 00:13:10,075 And i will not take courting advice From some teenage boy. 291 00:13:10,076 --> 00:13:13,496 well, this teenage boy is a quarterback and a prom king. 292 00:13:13,497 --> 00:13:16,873 - you're not prom king anymore, troy. This isn't riverside high. 293 00:13:16,874 --> 00:13:18,499 - how'd you know i went there? 294 00:13:18,500 --> 00:13:22,869 - because you're still wearing your stupid letter jacket. 295 00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:25,589 And more importantly, I sat behind you in Algebra. 296 00:13:26,318 --> 00:13:29,121 Wait, you're that girl that got hooked on pills and then dropped out. 297 00:13:29,122 --> 00:13:30,911 You're little Annie "Adderall". 298 00:13:30,912 --> 00:13:34,249 Yes, and you are a stupid jock who lost his scholarship 299 00:13:34,250 --> 00:13:36,400 by dislocating both shoulders in a keg stand. 300 00:13:36,401 --> 00:13:38,528 Keg flip. They're very hard to pull off. 301 00:13:38,529 --> 00:13:41,725 You don't know-- I'm a legend. 302 00:13:46,897 --> 00:13:48,901 You know what I got for Christmas? 303 00:13:49,984 --> 00:13:52,791 It was a banner year at the Bender family. 304 00:13:52,792 --> 00:13:55,132 I got a carton of cigarettes. 305 00:13:55,133 --> 00:13:58,883 The old man grabbed me, he said, "Hey, smoke up, Johnny!" 306 00:14:00,133 --> 00:14:02,347 "No, dad! What about you?" 307 00:14:05,980 --> 00:14:07,123 Well, uh... that-- 308 00:14:07,362 --> 00:14:10,270 That actually was from The Breakfast Club. 309 00:14:11,368 --> 00:14:13,340 Nobody puts baby in the corner. 310 00:14:16,897 --> 00:14:18,462 Dirty Dancing. 311 00:14:18,463 --> 00:14:20,180 Hello. It's Professor Duncan. 312 00:14:20,181 --> 00:14:22,276 Come to the parking lot now. 313 00:14:22,403 --> 00:14:23,990 What's wrong with your voice? 314 00:14:23,991 --> 00:14:25,484 I'm disguising it. 315 00:14:27,396 --> 00:14:28,396 Uh, I'll be right back. 316 00:14:28,397 --> 00:14:31,967 But while I'm gone, you guys need to hash this stuff out. 317 00:14:31,968 --> 00:14:33,968 No stone unturned. 318 00:14:34,133 --> 00:14:35,817 - Go! - What does that... 319 00:14:35,818 --> 00:14:39,105 - I can't feel my... 320 00:14:44,051 --> 00:14:45,490 Get in the car! 321 00:14:48,532 --> 00:14:52,166 Act as if either you have just finished or yet to begin driving. 322 00:14:53,737 --> 00:14:57,349 Every answer to every test in your curriculum this semester. 323 00:14:57,350 --> 00:14:59,427 I knew you could do it, buddy. Thank you. 324 00:14:59,428 --> 00:15:01,273 Whoa there, grabby-grabby. 325 00:15:01,852 --> 00:15:05,132 - What do I get? - The satisfaction of being even. 326 00:15:05,133 --> 00:15:08,049 Even, fairness, right, wrong. There is no God. 327 00:15:08,050 --> 00:15:10,350 - Booyah, booyah. - What do you want from me? 328 00:15:10,660 --> 00:15:13,760 - Your Lexus. - My car for a semester's worth of answers? 329 00:15:13,761 --> 00:15:16,143 Will it be just a semester though, Jeff? 330 00:15:16,144 --> 00:15:19,426 Won't you be taking the easy way out for the next four years? 331 00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:21,349 I want payment in advance. 332 00:15:21,350 --> 00:15:23,950 I want leather seats with built-in ball warmers. 333 00:15:23,951 --> 00:15:27,890 You know, bluffs this weak are how your people lost the colonies. 334 00:15:27,891 --> 00:15:30,175 Have a nice disbarment hearing. 335 00:15:31,308 --> 00:15:34,173 - What am I supposed to drive? - Why don't you take this car? It's good for the earth. 336 00:15:34,174 --> 00:15:37,490 Yeah, so is wiping your butt with a leaf, but it's not how a man gets around! 337 00:15:43,804 --> 00:15:45,106 A golf kart! 338 00:15:50,997 --> 00:15:54,312 - It is a disaster in there. - Yeah, untutorable. 339 00:15:54,716 --> 00:15:57,318 - You like Thai food? I love Thai food. - Wait... 340 00:15:57,319 --> 00:15:58,874 so... this is a game to you? 341 00:15:58,875 --> 00:16:01,979 You put human beings into a state of emotional shambles 342 00:16:01,980 --> 00:16:03,592 for a shot at getting in my pants? 343 00:16:03,593 --> 00:16:06,287 Why can't you see that for the compliment that it is? 344 00:16:07,008 --> 00:16:09,824 Ok, ok. I'm sorry. It was an accident. 345 00:16:10,218 --> 00:16:12,775 I did a little bit of lying to get close to you. 346 00:16:12,925 --> 00:16:15,833 But how was I suppose to know that you were smart and cool... 347 00:16:15,834 --> 00:16:17,643 I mean, you look like Elisabeth Shue. 348 00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:19,281 - You're unbelievable. - What do you want me to do? 349 00:16:19,282 --> 00:16:23,342 Oh, maybe one decent thing could be to go in there and clean up your mess. 350 00:16:23,343 --> 00:16:26,459 Okay, I am the Barack Obama of this room. 351 00:16:26,755 --> 00:16:29,655 Okay, if i do that, then dinner, right? 352 00:16:32,199 --> 00:16:33,723 Yeah, fine, whatever. 353 00:16:33,724 --> 00:16:38,227 As if there's a dinner on Earth that could make me forget you are a shallow douchebag. 354 00:16:38,228 --> 00:16:41,326 Oh, you're gonna eat those words when you see my new car. 355 00:16:49,941 --> 00:16:51,844 All right, everybody! 356 00:16:52,297 --> 00:16:54,397 I want to say something. Everybody, sit down. 357 00:16:55,008 --> 00:16:57,634 You don't have to yell. 358 00:17:00,029 --> 00:17:02,193 You know what makes humans different from other animals? 359 00:17:02,194 --> 00:17:03,365 Feet. 360 00:17:03,611 --> 00:17:05,666 No, no, no, come on. Bears have feet. 361 00:17:05,667 --> 00:17:09,495 We're the only species on Earth that observes Shark Week. 362 00:17:10,104 --> 00:17:13,018 Sharks don't even observe Shark Week, but we do. 363 00:17:13,249 --> 00:17:16,778 For the same reason I can pick up this pencil, tell you it's name is Steve, 364 00:17:16,779 --> 00:17:18,330 and go like this. 365 00:17:19,623 --> 00:17:23,073 And part of you dies just a little bit on the inside, 366 00:17:23,239 --> 00:17:26,147 because people can connect with anything. 367 00:17:26,379 --> 00:17:27,970 We can sympathize with a pencil. 368 00:17:27,971 --> 00:17:32,062 We can forgive a shark. And we can give Ben Affleck an Academy Award for Screenwriting. 369 00:17:32,063 --> 00:17:33,166 - Big mistake. - He's got a point. 370 00:17:33,167 --> 00:17:37,765 People can find the good in just about anything but themselves. 371 00:17:38,013 --> 00:17:41,128 Look at me. It's clear to all of you that I am awesome, 372 00:17:41,414 --> 00:17:44,148 but I can never admit that, because that would make me an ass. 373 00:17:44,149 --> 00:17:47,106 But what I can do is see what makes Annie awesome. 374 00:17:47,107 --> 00:17:48,207 She's driven. 375 00:17:49,239 --> 00:17:52,607 We need driven people or the lights go out and the ice cream melts. 376 00:17:52,608 --> 00:17:55,143 And Pierce. We need guys like Pierce. 377 00:17:55,144 --> 00:17:57,404 This guy has wisdom to offer. 378 00:17:57,405 --> 00:18:00,091 - The Dalai Lama and I-- - We should listen to him sometime. 379 00:18:00,092 --> 00:18:01,240 We wouldn't regret it. 380 00:18:01,241 --> 00:18:02,333 And Shirley. 381 00:18:02,578 --> 00:18:04,543 Shirley has earned our respect, 382 00:18:04,544 --> 00:18:07,666 Not as a wife, not as a mother, but as a woman. 383 00:18:07,891 --> 00:18:10,370 And don't test her on that, because that thing about the jukebox 384 00:18:10,371 --> 00:18:12,415 was way too specific to be improvised. 385 00:18:12,416 --> 00:18:13,491 And Troy. 386 00:18:13,649 --> 00:18:16,244 Who cares if Troy thinks he's all that? 387 00:18:16,245 --> 00:18:17,495 Maybe he is. 388 00:18:17,530 --> 00:18:20,517 You think astronauts go to the moon because they hate oxygen? No! 389 00:18:20,518 --> 00:18:23,551 They're trying to impress their high-school prom king. 390 00:18:23,552 --> 00:18:24,727 And Abed. 391 00:18:25,018 --> 00:18:26,638 Abed's a shaman. 392 00:18:26,639 --> 00:18:30,185 You ask him to pass the salt, he gives you a bowl of soup, 393 00:18:31,193 --> 00:18:33,788 because you know what? Soup is better. 394 00:18:33,789 --> 00:18:35,139 Abed is better. 395 00:18:35,145 --> 00:18:37,629 You are all better than you think you are. 396 00:18:37,805 --> 00:18:40,714 You are just designed not to believe it when you hear it from yourself. 397 00:18:40,856 --> 00:18:41,925 Soup? 398 00:18:42,180 --> 00:18:44,524 I want you to look to the person to your left. 399 00:18:45,672 --> 00:18:48,282 Sorry. Look at the person sitting next to you. 400 00:18:48,283 --> 00:18:49,587 Look at her? Okay. 401 00:18:49,588 --> 00:18:50,945 - This? - Yeah. 402 00:18:50,946 --> 00:18:53,728 I want you to extend to that person 403 00:18:54,055 --> 00:18:57,905 the same compassion that you extend to sharks, pencils, and Ben Affleck. 404 00:18:57,998 --> 00:18:59,895 I want you to say to that person, 405 00:18:59,896 --> 00:19:01,046 "I forgive you." 406 00:19:02,181 --> 00:19:03,984 - I forgive you. - I forgive you. 407 00:19:04,214 --> 00:19:06,138 - I forgive you. - You little twerp. 408 00:19:06,370 --> 00:19:08,372 Pierce, I'd like you to say, "I forgive you." 409 00:19:08,645 --> 00:19:09,895 He didn't say it? 410 00:19:10,356 --> 00:19:11,459 I forgive you. 411 00:19:11,649 --> 00:19:13,749 You've just stopped being a study group. 412 00:19:14,076 --> 00:19:15,625 You have become something... 413 00:19:15,686 --> 00:19:17,036 unstoppable. 414 00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:21,673 I hereby pronounce you... 415 00:19:21,941 --> 00:19:23,234 a community. 416 00:19:23,721 --> 00:19:24,921 Oh, that's nice. 417 00:19:25,303 --> 00:19:26,403 I like that. 418 00:19:29,603 --> 00:19:31,357 This isn't like Breakfast Club anymore. 419 00:19:31,358 --> 00:19:33,659 Now it's like Stripes or Meatballs. Anything with Bill Murray, really. 420 00:19:33,660 --> 00:19:36,660 I agree with Abed that tonight has been very special. 421 00:19:37,356 --> 00:19:38,822 And now, if you'll excuse me, 422 00:19:38,823 --> 00:19:40,875 I have a dinner engagement with Britta. 423 00:19:41,445 --> 00:19:42,510 Britta? 424 00:19:42,738 --> 00:19:43,979 I lied. 425 00:19:44,747 --> 00:19:46,544 Thanks for calming everyone down. 426 00:19:46,545 --> 00:19:49,322 but since you're not a Spanish tutor, just a lying creep 427 00:19:49,323 --> 00:19:52,564 who purposely upset everyone in an attempt to get with me, 428 00:19:52,565 --> 00:19:56,269 I'd appreciate it if you left and stopped wasting all of our time. 429 00:19:56,270 --> 00:19:57,664 Everybody ready? 430 00:19:59,082 --> 00:20:00,209 Fine. 431 00:20:01,393 --> 00:20:03,243 And I'm happy to report 432 00:20:03,383 --> 00:20:06,257 that one of the benefits of being a lying creep 433 00:20:06,426 --> 00:20:09,351 is having all the answers to tomorrow's test. 434 00:20:09,559 --> 00:20:12,645 And I'm happy to share them with anyone whose time I've wasted more 435 00:20:12,646 --> 00:20:14,501 than they've wasted mine. 436 00:20:15,502 --> 00:20:19,782 Uh, Jeff, if you have all the answers, why the hell did you start this study group? 437 00:20:19,783 --> 00:20:21,735 I don't have a study group, Pierce. I made it up. 438 00:20:21,736 --> 00:20:24,355 - What about the "Look Left" speech? - Made it up. That's what I do. 439 00:20:24,356 --> 00:20:28,039 I make things up, and I got paid a lot of money 440 00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:30,255 to do it before I came to this school-shaped toilet. 441 00:20:30,256 --> 00:20:31,694 I was a lawyer. 442 00:20:31,991 --> 00:20:33,758 - Oh, God. - That explains everything. 443 00:20:34,698 --> 00:20:38,660 You know, I thought you were like Bill Murray in any of his films, but you're more like Michael Douglas in any of his films. 444 00:20:38,661 --> 00:20:39,726 - Yeah? - Yeah. 445 00:20:39,727 --> 00:20:41,140 Well, you have Asperger's. 446 00:20:42,650 --> 00:20:43,800 What did he say? 447 00:20:44,887 --> 00:20:45,887 "Ass-burger". 448 00:20:45,888 --> 00:20:48,083 - It's a serious disorder. - It really is. 449 00:20:48,084 --> 00:20:50,452 If it's so serious, why don't they call it meningitis? 450 00:20:52,870 --> 00:20:54,894 - "Ass-burger". - Burger for your ass. 451 00:21:08,811 --> 00:21:10,312 ♪ ♪ 452 00:21:19,187 --> 00:21:22,367 Jeffrey, before you say anything, you may want to think about the gift you've been given. 453 00:21:22,368 --> 00:21:25,182 - An excuse to punch a hippy? - No. No, not that. 454 00:21:25,183 --> 00:21:28,020 An important lesson, my friend. You see, 455 00:21:28,374 --> 00:21:32,513 the tools you acquired to survive out there will not help you here at Greendale. 456 00:21:32,514 --> 00:21:36,148 What you have, my friend, is a second chance at an honest life. 457 00:21:36,149 --> 00:21:38,940 Why are people trying to teach me things 458 00:21:38,974 --> 00:21:41,927 At a school that has an express tuition aisle? 459 00:21:42,224 --> 00:21:45,452 - Give me the keys. - No, I have to keep your car for-- 460 00:21:45,453 --> 00:21:47,204 Don't hit me. Please, don't hit me. 461 00:21:47,364 --> 00:21:48,802 Jeffrey, Jeffrey! 462 00:21:49,159 --> 00:21:50,609 Are we cool? 463 00:21:51,068 --> 00:21:52,258 Are we cool? 464 00:21:54,103 --> 00:21:55,260 We're cool. 465 00:21:57,252 --> 00:21:58,802 I like you, Jeffrey. 466 00:22:00,793 --> 00:22:03,293 You remind me of myself at your age. 467 00:22:04,291 --> 00:22:05,441 I deserve that. 468 00:22:05,910 --> 00:22:07,127 You know, 469 00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:09,165 I've been divorced 470 00:22:09,736 --> 00:22:10,912 seven times. 471 00:22:12,354 --> 00:22:14,341 Sometimes, I think I'm doing something wrong. 472 00:22:20,211 --> 00:22:22,211 You keep getting married. 473 00:22:22,976 --> 00:22:24,744 I never looked at it that way. 474 00:22:28,042 --> 00:22:30,058 Shouldn't you guys be studying? 475 00:22:30,059 --> 00:22:32,774 Yeah, things got kind of boring after you left. 476 00:22:32,904 --> 00:22:34,417 Let me ask you something. 477 00:22:35,772 --> 00:22:38,788 People becloud me for wearing this jacket ever since I got here, but 478 00:22:39,277 --> 00:22:40,991 If I take it off to make them happy, 479 00:22:41,120 --> 00:22:43,070 That just makes me weak, right? 480 00:22:43,226 --> 00:22:44,355 Listen, 481 00:22:44,511 --> 00:22:45,854 it doesn't matter. 482 00:22:45,855 --> 00:22:48,859 You lose the jacket to please them, you keep it to piss them off, 483 00:22:49,230 --> 00:22:50,380 Either way 484 00:22:50,381 --> 00:22:51,681 It's for them. 485 00:22:52,057 --> 00:22:53,510 That's what's weak.. 486 00:22:54,355 --> 00:22:55,531 Wow. 487 00:22:56,895 --> 00:22:58,678 You just wrinkled my brain, man. 488 00:22:58,679 --> 00:23:00,624 - He's good, isn't he? - He's really good. 489 00:23:00,625 --> 00:23:04,108 Shouldn't you be rolling around on a bed covered in test answers? 490 00:23:07,564 --> 00:23:09,228 I don't have any of the answers. 491 00:23:09,957 --> 00:23:11,766 I'm gonna-- I'm gonna flunk the test. 492 00:23:11,767 --> 00:23:14,324 You just, like, study for, like, an hour. It's not that hard. 493 00:23:14,548 --> 00:23:16,578 You seem pretty smart. You got a sports coat. 494 00:23:16,579 --> 00:23:17,729 I am me... 495 00:23:18,002 --> 00:23:19,520 Well, the funny thing about being smart 496 00:23:19,521 --> 00:23:22,471 is that you can get through most of life without ever having to do any work. 497 00:23:22,810 --> 00:23:23,979 So, uh... 498 00:23:24,787 --> 00:23:26,768 I'm not really sure how to do that. 500 00:23:41,502 --> 00:23:43,186 Can you guys hear me? Am I deaf? 501 00:23:43,187 --> 00:23:45,429 - Can you hear me talking right now? - Yes. 502 00:23:45,430 --> 00:23:46,630 That's good. 503 00:23:48,805 --> 00:23:49,805 You know what? 504 00:23:49,806 --> 00:23:53,166 Jeff, actually, we didn't get that far without you, so 505 00:23:53,167 --> 00:23:55,371 if you want to come back upstairs-- 506 00:23:58,400 --> 00:23:59,572 Really? 507 00:23:59,956 --> 00:24:02,201 Well, it is your study group, so. 508 00:24:02,291 --> 00:24:03,591 Come on, let's study. 509 00:24:03,682 --> 00:24:04,832 Sounds good. 510 00:24:05,045 --> 00:24:06,345 No pressure. 511 00:24:16,352 --> 00:24:19,339 I'm sorry I called you Michael Douglas and I see your value now. 512 00:24:21,499 --> 00:24:24,799 Well, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. 513 00:24:36,909 --> 00:24:42,769 Transcripted on Addic7ed by honeybunny & VeRdiKT Resync by Pippo Inzaghi