1
00:00:16,249 --> 00:00:17,238
Good morning.
2
00:00:19,652 --> 00:00:22,621
How do we turn this off?
Can you help me turn this off?
3
00:00:22,822 --> 00:00:26,349
Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. How do we turn this off?
Can you help me with this?
4
00:00:26,559 --> 00:00:29,528
Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.
I didn't mean to snap.
5
00:00:29,729 --> 00:00:31,026
Good morning.
6
00:00:31,231 --> 00:00:34,723
Many of you are halfway through
your first week here at Greendale,
7
00:00:34,934 --> 00:00:36,799
and as your dean...
8
00:00:37,470 --> 00:00:42,134
I thought I would share a few
thoughts of wisdom and inspiration.
9
00:00:42,342 --> 00:00:46,676
What is community college?
Well, you've heard all kinds of things.
10
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:51,408
You've heard it's loser college
for remedial teens,
11
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20-something dropouts,
12
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middle-aged divorcees,
13
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and old people keeping
their minds active
14
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as they circle the drain of eternity.
15
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That's what you've heard.
16
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However, I wish you luck.
17
00:01:10,837 --> 00:01:12,464
Okay, you know... Uh-oh.
18
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Okay, there's more to this speech.
There's actually a middle card that is missing.
19
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Can we all look around our immediate areas?
Because I really wanted to...
20
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I'm only half Arabic, actually.
My dad is Palestinian.
21
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He's a U.S. citizen, he's not a threat
to national security or anything.
22
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Lot of people want to know after they
meet him because he has angry energy.
23
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Not like angry at America, just
angry at my mom for leaving.
24
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Although she did leave
because he was angry.
25
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And he was angry
because she's American.
26
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My name's Abed, by the way.
27
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Abed, nice to know you and
then meet you, in that order.
28
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Now about that question
that I had?
29
00:01:37,997 --> 00:01:40,761
Oh, uh...
Five after 11 when you asked.
30
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Abed.
Yeah.
31
00:01:42,402 --> 00:01:44,802
What's the deal with the hot
girl from Spanish class?
32
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I can't find a road in there.
33
00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:49,536
Well, I only talked to her once
while she was borrowing a pencil.
34
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Her name is Britta, she's
28, birthday in October.
35
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She has two older brothers.
One works with children
36
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who have a disorder
I might wanna look up.
37
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And she thinks she's gonna flunk tomorrow's test.
So she really needs to focus.
38
00:01:57,784 --> 00:02:00,252
And she's sorry if that
makes her seem cold.
39
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Holy crap.
40
00:02:01,754 --> 00:02:06,248
Abed, I see your value now.
41
00:02:07,827 --> 00:02:10,057
That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.
42
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Absolutely not.
43
00:02:15,101 --> 00:02:18,559
If these guys knew you like I did, they
would have given you a small office.
44
00:02:18,771 --> 00:02:21,934
Jeff Winger, genius at law.
45
00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:25,634
You gotta stop saying that.
I will never do that. Sit down.
46
00:02:25,845 --> 00:02:28,211
I still cannot figure out
how you got a jury to connect
47
00:02:28,414 --> 00:02:32,407
September the 11 th with my DUI,
let alone why that helped.
48
00:02:32,619 --> 00:02:34,553
Well, 2002 was a simpler time.
49
00:02:34,754 --> 00:02:38,588
So, what is my lawyer doing here?
I'm a student.
50
00:02:39,692 --> 00:02:41,717
Well, that cannot be
an inspiring journey.
51
00:02:41,928 --> 00:02:44,260
I am in a bit of a jam.
52
00:02:44,464 --> 00:02:47,160
The state bar has suspended
my license.
53
00:02:47,367 --> 00:02:51,167
They found out my college degree
was less than legitimate.
54
00:02:51,371 --> 00:02:52,998
I thought you had a bachelor's
from Columbia.
55
00:02:53,206 --> 00:02:55,606
Now I have to get one from America.
Oof.
56
00:02:55,808 --> 00:02:59,335
And it can't be an e-mail attachment.
Well, you've picked a fine school.
57
00:02:59,546 --> 00:03:04,313
Yes. And I'm hoping that our friendship
will yield certain advantages.
58
00:03:04,517 --> 00:03:06,075
You know, academic guidance.
Yes.
59
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Moral support.
60
00:03:07,487 --> 00:03:09,717
Every answer to every test
61
00:03:09,923 --> 00:03:12,517
for every one of the classes
that I'm taking.
62
00:03:12,725 --> 00:03:15,125
Here's my schedule.
Now, Jeff, just by asking that
63
00:03:15,328 --> 00:03:19,697
you have insulted the integrity
of this entire institution. Oi.
64
00:03:19,899 --> 00:03:22,800
Waster. Not a bathroom.
Not a bathroom.
65
00:03:23,002 --> 00:03:26,904
Okay. Duncan, you did seem
less into integrity
66
00:03:27,106 --> 00:03:29,233
the day that I convinced
12 of your peers
67
00:03:29,442 --> 00:03:31,672
that when you made that U-turn
on the freeway
68
00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:34,642
and tried to order chalupas
from the emergency call box
69
00:03:34,847 --> 00:03:37,145
that your only real crime
was loving America.
70
00:03:37,350 --> 00:03:39,818
Well, I do love America.
I love it very much.
71
00:03:40,019 --> 00:03:41,077
Mm?
72
00:03:41,287 --> 00:03:44,814
L... I love chalupas.
But...
73
00:03:45,024 --> 00:03:46,457
I'll look into it.
Thank you.
74
00:03:46,659 --> 00:03:49,184
Duncan, you are a good man.
75
00:03:49,395 --> 00:03:52,728
Jeff, are you familiar with the
adage "Cheaters never prosper"?
76
00:03:53,333 --> 00:03:55,767
No. And if I wanted to
learn something,
77
00:03:55,969 --> 00:03:57,766
I wouldn't have come
to community college.
78
00:04:30,837 --> 00:04:33,704
Oh, hey, Spanish.
Yeah, don't hit on me, okay?
79
00:04:33,906 --> 00:04:36,101
Uh, I wouldn't dream of it.
80
00:04:36,309 --> 00:04:40,211
I just wanted to let you know
about my Spanish study group.
81
00:04:40,713 --> 00:04:41,702
Oh, whoa, whoa.
82
00:04:41,914 --> 00:04:45,782
The guy who's playing "Bejeweled" on his
iPhone all class has a study group?
83
00:04:45,985 --> 00:04:48,920
Can I sign up twice?
I'm taking the class as an easy credit.
84
00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:52,114
I'm actually a Spanish tutor.
Board certified.
85
00:04:52,325 --> 00:04:54,589
Can you say that in Spanish now?
86
00:05:01,868 --> 00:05:03,233
I really need help with Spanish.
87
00:05:03,436 --> 00:05:04,960
Yeah, I was willing to bet.
I'm Jeff.
88
00:05:05,171 --> 00:05:07,605
Or jefe.
89
00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:10,966
The group meets at the library at 4.
Britta. Thanks.
90
00:05:12,679 --> 00:05:14,237
You're gonna be there?
91
00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:18,845
That means,
"See you there."
92
00:05:19,852 --> 00:05:21,581
Shouldn't be too hard to fake
a study group, right?
93
00:05:21,788 --> 00:05:22,812
Huh?
94
00:05:23,022 --> 00:05:25,422
Oh, jeez, I'm sorry.
95
00:05:25,625 --> 00:05:28,059
I was raised on TV,
and I was conditioned to believe
96
00:05:28,261 --> 00:05:31,753
that every black woman over 50
is a cosmic mentor.
97
00:05:32,365 --> 00:05:35,334
Were you conditioned to pay
for your damn tacos, Seinfield?
98
00:05:35,802 --> 00:05:37,793
Yes. I'm so sorry.
99
00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:39,266
It's "Seinfeld."
100
00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:50,046
Hey, all right, come on in.
101
00:05:50,249 --> 00:05:53,343
I've got the whole table. Welcome.
Yeah, the whole room.
102
00:05:53,553 --> 00:05:56,545
Here's the contact sheet.
103
00:05:56,756 --> 00:05:58,747
Just put your stuff there.
That's...
104
00:05:59,425 --> 00:06:03,293
Man, the rest of the group
is running late.
105
00:06:03,496 --> 00:06:05,259
But you and I can get acquainted.
106
00:06:05,465 --> 00:06:08,229
You may have noticed this morning,
not so good at the small talk.
107
00:06:08,434 --> 00:06:09,423
Yeah, I like big talk.
108
00:06:09,635 --> 00:06:11,034
What's your deal?
That's not small talk?
109
00:06:11,237 --> 00:06:12,727
What's your deal and is God dead?
110
00:06:13,973 --> 00:06:15,531
All right, you wanna know my deal?
Mm.
111
00:06:15,742 --> 00:06:20,042
I dropped out of high school because I thought
for some reason it would impress Radiohead.
112
00:06:20,246 --> 00:06:23,147
You'd be surprised
what gets back to those guys.
113
00:06:23,349 --> 00:06:26,375
I joined the Peace Corps.
I did a little foot modeling.
114
00:06:26,586 --> 00:06:28,918
I got tear gassed
at a world trade rally...
115
00:06:29,122 --> 00:06:31,420
Marry me.
Ha. And I guess, Jeff,
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00:06:31,624 --> 00:06:34,092
my deal is, above all else,
honesty.
117
00:06:34,961 --> 00:06:36,121
Honesty.
Yeah.
118
00:06:36,329 --> 00:06:38,058
You tell me the truth,
I will like you.
119
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You lie to me, I will never talk to you again.
That's my deal.
120
00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:44,063
That's a good deal.
So, what's your deal?
121
00:06:44,270 --> 00:06:45,567
Uh... I would have to go...
122
00:06:45,772 --> 00:06:48,900
I would have to say, um, honesty.
123
00:06:49,575 --> 00:06:52,806
Because I would say anything
to get what I want,
124
00:06:53,012 --> 00:06:56,413
and I want you to like me. So...
125
00:06:57,350 --> 00:07:01,343
Well, that's a very honest answer.
All right, for now, I like you fine.
126
00:07:02,155 --> 00:07:04,885
Really? Wow. You're easy.
Hell, yeah.
127
00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:07,252
Abed. In the house.
128
00:07:07,727 --> 00:07:09,752
Whoo! Whoo!
Whoo! Whoo!
129
00:07:09,962 --> 00:07:12,430
Whoo. Why?
Britta invited me. Is that cool?
130
00:07:12,632 --> 00:07:15,863
Oh, I can't think of a single
logical reason why not.
131
00:07:16,068 --> 00:07:17,467
Cool.
There you go.
132
00:07:17,670 --> 00:07:20,161
Oh, hey, here.
Put your contact info down right there.
133
00:07:20,373 --> 00:07:23,240
That's right.
Cool, cool, cool.
134
00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:25,138
Cool, cool, cool.
135
00:07:25,344 --> 00:07:27,471
Hey, this is kind of like
Breakfast Club, huh?
136
00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:28,874
We are in a library.
137
00:07:29,081 --> 00:07:32,414
Yeah. I'm sure we've each got an issue balled up
inside that would make us cry if we talked about it.
138
00:07:32,618 --> 00:07:35,451
Do you have something
balled up inside you?
139
00:07:35,655 --> 00:07:38,647
Oh, I got a little doozy in the
chamber if things get emotional.
140
00:07:41,060 --> 00:07:42,493
Hey, text message.
141
00:07:42,695 --> 00:07:45,095
Let's give this bad boy a read.
It's probably just for you.
142
00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:48,028
I've never gotten one of these.
Uh, it's probably... You just...
143
00:07:48,234 --> 00:07:49,223
It's just for your eyes.
144
00:07:49,435 --> 00:07:51,596
"Say you have to pee.
I need to talk to you."
145
00:07:52,738 --> 00:07:55,138
"Say you have to pee."
That is weird.
146
00:07:55,441 --> 00:07:57,671
"Say you have to pee."
Yeah. Do you have to pee?
147
00:07:57,877 --> 00:07:59,538
No. That's so weird.
148
00:07:59,745 --> 00:08:00,734
Well, I'm stumped.
That's very creepy.
149
00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:03,137
That makes two of us.
150
00:08:03,349 --> 00:08:05,408
What's that?
Does it say you have to pee?
151
00:08:05,618 --> 00:08:09,816
No, it's just someone with a
misguided grasp of abbreviation.
152
00:08:10,022 --> 00:08:11,148
I just need five minutes,
you guys.
153
00:08:11,357 --> 00:08:15,760
So go ahead and study
all the verbs in Spanish.
154
00:08:15,962 --> 00:08:17,953
Abed, what's your read on that guy?
Yeah.
155
00:08:19,532 --> 00:08:21,693
You look like Elizabeth Shue.
156
00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:26,995
Just act natural, pretend you're
watching the athletic proceedings.
157
00:08:27,206 --> 00:08:29,140
You couldn't stop
me from watching them.
158
00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:31,867
There's a guy trying out for track
that is older than the game of poker.
159
00:08:34,313 --> 00:08:36,008
He's kind of trucking.
160
00:08:36,215 --> 00:08:40,151
Suppose I was to say to you it was
possible to get those test answers.
161
00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:42,981
I would say go for that.
And could have said so in a text.
162
00:08:43,189 --> 00:08:46,989
I'm asking if you know the
difference between right and wrong.
163
00:08:47,193 --> 00:08:49,923
I discovered at a very early age
that if I talked long enough,
164
00:08:50,129 --> 00:08:52,154
I could make anything
right or wrong.
165
00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:56,665
So either I'm God or truth is
relative, and in either case, booyah.
166
00:08:56,869 --> 00:08:57,961
Oh. Interesting.
167
00:08:58,170 --> 00:09:00,638
It's just, the average person has
a much harder time saying booyah
168
00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:02,171
to moral relativism.
169
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:04,809
Duncan, you don't have to play
shrink to protect your pride.
170
00:09:05,011 --> 00:09:06,478
I accept you're chicken.
171
00:09:06,679 --> 00:09:09,170
You trying to use reverse
psychology on a psychologist?
172
00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:12,510
No, I'm just using regular psychology
on a spineless British twit.
173
00:09:12,718 --> 00:09:14,709
I'm a professor.
You can't talk to me that way.
174
00:09:14,921 --> 00:09:16,218
A 6-year-old girl could.
175
00:09:16,422 --> 00:09:18,151
Yes, because
that would be adorable.
176
00:09:18,357 --> 00:09:21,485
No, because you're a 5-year-old
girl, and there's a pecking order.
177
00:09:21,694 --> 00:09:23,389
Fine, I'll do it.
Thank you.
178
00:09:23,596 --> 00:09:26,360
Yeah, with pleasure. Bye.
179
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:28,193
Yes, good.
180
00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:31,700
Why am I still shouting?
I'm drawing attention to myself.
181
00:09:31,904 --> 00:09:35,237
You guys aren't going to believe this
but the rest of the group...
182
00:09:36,442 --> 00:09:37,704
is here.
183
00:09:37,910 --> 00:09:39,969
Are you
the board-certified tutor?
184
00:09:40,179 --> 00:09:41,840
That means you do my
homework, right, Seacrest?
185
00:09:42,048 --> 00:09:44,016
I need to call my babysitter
if we gonna be late.
186
00:09:44,216 --> 00:09:46,411
What board certifies a tutor?
Where's Britta?
187
00:09:46,619 --> 00:09:49,247
Not sure. I invited people from
Spanish class. Is that cool?
188
00:09:49,455 --> 00:09:51,252
It's the coolest.
189
00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:54,988
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
190
00:09:55,194 --> 00:10:00,359
And bring my jacket,
wallet and keys with me
191
00:10:00,566 --> 00:10:02,227
in case there's a fire.
192
00:10:02,935 --> 00:10:03,924
Should we go with him?
193
00:10:04,136 --> 00:10:06,036
Gonna leave my homework
with Slumdog Millionaire.
194
00:10:06,238 --> 00:10:07,398
That's borderline racist.
195
00:10:11,811 --> 00:10:13,574
And busted.
196
00:10:13,946 --> 00:10:14,935
Listen...
197
00:10:15,147 --> 00:10:16,774
Now you know. I'm a smoker.
198
00:10:18,150 --> 00:10:20,618
Yeah, but they're filtered,
so that makes them safe.
199
00:10:20,820 --> 00:10:23,789
You ready to get started?
Looks like your group showed up.
200
00:10:23,990 --> 00:10:26,720
Not mine. I think Abed took out
a page on Craigslist.
201
00:10:26,926 --> 00:10:28,791
And I was trained
never to say this,
202
00:10:28,995 --> 00:10:31,463
but I think that group
may be untutorable.
203
00:10:31,664 --> 00:10:34,963
Oh, really?
Why don't you and I go study over...
204
00:10:35,167 --> 00:10:36,794
Dinner?
Or drinks.
205
00:10:37,003 --> 00:10:39,233
I think, actually,
we should prioritize here
206
00:10:39,438 --> 00:10:42,100
and study first
and then go to dinner.
207
00:10:43,542 --> 00:10:47,444
And if they really prove to be
untutorable, we'll slip out early.
208
00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:53,279
Oh, they will be untutorable.
209
00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:04,753
All right. Look at this crew.
210
00:11:04,964 --> 00:11:07,489
All ready to study all night.
211
00:11:07,700 --> 00:11:08,792
I can stay at least till 10.
212
00:11:09,001 --> 00:11:11,162
But who studies
with strangers, right?
213
00:11:11,370 --> 00:11:12,428
My name is Jeff.
214
00:11:13,005 --> 00:11:15,337
Jeff, it's a pleasure.
My name is Pierce Hawthorne.
215
00:11:15,541 --> 00:11:17,941
And, yes, that is Hawthorne
as in Hawthorne Wipes
216
00:11:18,144 --> 00:11:20,942
the award-winning moist towelette.
I was just gonna ask.
217
00:11:21,147 --> 00:11:23,547
I'm a Toastmaster.
I should do the introductions.
218
00:11:23,749 --> 00:11:25,307
Definitely.
You know Brittles.
219
00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:27,952
Britta.
Abed. Abed the Arab.
220
00:11:28,154 --> 00:11:29,678
Is that inappropriate?
Sure.
221
00:11:29,889 --> 00:11:31,516
Roy, Roy, the wonder boy...
Troy.
222
00:11:31,724 --> 00:11:33,624
Little princess Elizabeth...
Annie.
223
00:11:33,826 --> 00:11:37,125
And, finally, this beautiful
creature is named Shirley.
224
00:11:37,630 --> 00:11:38,619
Is that even close?
225
00:11:39,832 --> 00:11:42,198
I'd like to know why I had to find
out about this group on accident.
226
00:11:42,401 --> 00:11:43,868
Way more like Breakfast Club now.
227
00:11:44,070 --> 00:11:46,038
There's breakfast?
We should get started...
228
00:11:46,238 --> 00:11:48,832
I've been a part of
study groups that fell apart
229
00:11:49,041 --> 00:11:51,032
because of unresolved tension.
230
00:11:51,243 --> 00:11:53,871
Shouldn't we address Annie's concern?
Did we not invite her?
231
00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:55,707
Sweetie, it's not
behind your back...
232
00:11:55,915 --> 00:11:58,349
Can we stop with the "pumpkins"
and the "sweeties"?
233
00:11:58,918 --> 00:12:00,749
Being younger does not
make me inferior.
234
00:12:00,953 --> 00:12:04,821
If anything, your age indicates that
you've made bad life decisions.
235
00:12:05,024 --> 00:12:06,992
Shirley has a response to that.
No, no, no. I don't.
236
00:12:07,193 --> 00:12:09,388
It looks like you do.
Shirley, go ahead.
237
00:12:09,595 --> 00:12:11,460
Okay, okay.
238
00:12:11,664 --> 00:12:14,861
I'm sure I've made
some bad life decisions.
239
00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:17,865
And maybe Annie's
decisions will be better.
240
00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:21,870
I think she needs to decide whether she
wants to be considered a child or an adult,
241
00:12:22,074 --> 00:12:24,508
because children get pity,
but not respect,
242
00:12:24,710 --> 00:12:26,541
and adults, they get respect.
243
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:29,579
They also get their head grabbed
and pushed through jukeboxes.
244
00:12:29,782 --> 00:12:34,082
Okay. Why don't we try learning
"jukebox" in Spanish?
245
00:12:34,286 --> 00:12:35,685
What are you doing?
Pierce.
246
00:12:35,888 --> 00:12:38,254
Let's discuss this creepiness.
Pardon you?
247
00:12:38,457 --> 00:12:40,186
What are you doing?
I'm certified.
248
00:12:40,392 --> 00:12:44,192
Are you unaware that Shirley finds
your advances inappropriate?
249
00:12:45,531 --> 00:12:46,555
What advances?
250
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:49,599
You have been sexually harassing me
since the very first day of class.
251
00:12:49,802 --> 00:12:52,168
Sexually harassing?
252
00:12:52,371 --> 00:12:54,236
What...?
That makes no sense to me.
253
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:57,204
Why would I harass somebody
who turns me on?
254
00:12:57,409 --> 00:13:00,105
Saying she turns you on
is the harassment, dude.
255
00:13:01,347 --> 00:13:02,814
Hey.
256
00:13:03,482 --> 00:13:06,781
I am a prominent business leader and
a highly sought-after dinner guest.
257
00:13:06,986 --> 00:13:10,285
And I will not take courting advice
from some teenage boy.
258
00:13:10,489 --> 00:13:13,925
Well, this teenage boy is a
quarterback and a prom king.
259
00:13:14,126 --> 00:13:17,254
You're not prom king anymore, Troy.
This isn't Riverside High.
260
00:13:17,463 --> 00:13:19,090
How'd you know I went there?
261
00:13:19,298 --> 00:13:22,699
Because you're still wearing
your stupid letter jacket,
262
00:13:22,902 --> 00:13:26,429
and, more importantly,
I sat behind you in Algebra.
263
00:13:27,173 --> 00:13:29,733
Were you that girl got hooked
on pills and dropped out?
264
00:13:30,209 --> 00:13:31,506
You're little Annie Adderall.
265
00:13:31,710 --> 00:13:34,076
And you're a stupid jock
266
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:37,443
who lost scholarship by dislocating
both shoulders in a keg stand.
267
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:40,380
Keg flip. They're very hard to pull off.
Don't talk to me.
268
00:13:40,586 --> 00:13:42,315
You don't know... I'm a legend.
269
00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:50,692
You know what I got for Christmas?
270
00:13:51,564 --> 00:13:54,192
It was a banner year
at the Bender family.
271
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,595
I got a carton of cigarettes.
272
00:13:56,802 --> 00:13:59,794
The old man grabbed me.
He said, "Hey, smoke up, Johnny."
273
00:14:02,007 --> 00:14:04,635
No, Dad, what about you?
274
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:11,806
Well, that actually was from
The Breakfast Club.
275
00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:14,376
Nobody puts Baby in the corner.
276
00:14:16,355 --> 00:14:17,879
Dirty Dancing. Hello?
277
00:14:18,090 --> 00:14:19,455
It's Professor Duncan.
278
00:14:19,658 --> 00:14:21,717
Come to the parking lot now.
279
00:14:21,927 --> 00:14:24,418
What's wrong with your voice?
I'm disguising it.
280
00:14:27,132 --> 00:14:31,296
I'll be right back. But while I'm gone,
you guys need to hash this stuff out.
281
00:14:31,503 --> 00:14:35,132
No stone unturned. Go.
282
00:14:43,949 --> 00:14:45,177
Get in the car.
283
00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:52,585
Act as if we've either just finished
or are yet to begin driving.
284
00:14:53,659 --> 00:14:57,095
Every answer to every test in
your curriculum this semester.
285
00:14:57,296 --> 00:14:59,321
I knew you could do it, buddy.
Thank you.
286
00:14:59,531 --> 00:15:01,761
Whoa, there, grabby grabby.
287
00:15:01,967 --> 00:15:05,061
What do I get?
The satisfaction of being even.
288
00:15:05,271 --> 00:15:08,001
Even, fairness, right, wrong.
There is no God.
289
00:15:08,207 --> 00:15:09,834
Booyah, booyah.
What do you want from me?
290
00:15:10,609 --> 00:15:11,598
Your Lexus.
291
00:15:11,810 --> 00:15:14,074
My car for a semester's worth
of answers?
292
00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:16,248
Will it be just a semester,
though, Jeff?
293
00:15:16,448 --> 00:15:19,713
Won't you be taking the easy way
out for the next four years?
294
00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:21,614
I want payment in advance.
295
00:15:21,820 --> 00:15:24,380
I want leather seats
with built-in ball warmers.
296
00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:28,048
You know, bluffs this weak are how
your people lost the colonies.
297
00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:30,228
Have a nice disbarment hearing.
298
00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:34,794
What am I supposed to drive?
Take this car. It's good for the earth.
299
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:38,731
So is wiping your butt with a leaf
but it's not how a man gets around.
300
00:15:44,677 --> 00:15:46,406
Golf cart.
301
00:15:51,917 --> 00:15:53,714
It is a disaster in there.
302
00:15:53,919 --> 00:15:57,320
Yeah. Untutorable. Do you like Thai food?
I love Thai food.
303
00:15:57,523 --> 00:15:59,821
Wait. So this is a game to you?
304
00:16:00,025 --> 00:16:02,585
You put human beings into
a state of emotional shambles
305
00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:04,490
for a shot at getting in my pants?
306
00:16:04,697 --> 00:16:07,257
Why can't you see that
for the compliment that it is?
307
00:16:08,233 --> 00:16:11,430
Okay, okay, okay. I'm sorry.
It was an accident.
308
00:16:11,637 --> 00:16:14,071
I did a little bit of lying
to get close to you.
309
00:16:14,273 --> 00:16:17,003
But how was I supposed to know
that you were smart and cool.
310
00:16:17,209 --> 00:16:18,676
You look like Elizabeth Shue.
311
00:16:18,877 --> 00:16:20,674
You're unbelievable.
What do you want me to do?
312
00:16:20,879 --> 00:16:25,077
Maybe one decent thing could be to
go in there and clean up your mess.
313
00:16:27,953 --> 00:16:31,354
Okay, if I do that,
then dinner, right?
314
00:16:33,726 --> 00:16:36,251
Yeah, fine, whatever.
As if there's a dinner on earth
315
00:16:36,462 --> 00:16:39,329
that could make me forget
you are a shallow douche bag.
316
00:16:39,531 --> 00:16:43,126
Oh, you're gonna eat those words
when you see my new car.
317
00:16:50,509 --> 00:16:52,704
All right, everybody.
318
00:16:52,911 --> 00:16:54,879
I wanna say something. Sit down.
319
00:16:55,681 --> 00:16:58,878
Well, you don't have to yell.
I don't appreciate your tone.
320
00:17:00,686 --> 00:17:02,847
What makes humans different
from other animals?
321
00:17:03,055 --> 00:17:04,317
Feet.
322
00:17:04,523 --> 00:17:06,388
No, no. Come on,
bears have feet.
323
00:17:06,592 --> 00:17:10,551
We're the only species on earth
that observes "Shark Week."
324
00:17:11,363 --> 00:17:14,389
Sharks don't even observe
"Shark Week," but we do.
325
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:18,127
For the same reason I can pick up this
pencil, tell you it's name is Steve
326
00:17:18,337 --> 00:17:19,827
and go like this.
Oh.
327
00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:23,805
And part of you dies
just a little bit on the inside.
328
00:17:24,009 --> 00:17:26,978
Because people can connect
with anything.
329
00:17:27,179 --> 00:17:29,670
We can sympathize with a pencil,
we can forgive a shark,
330
00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:32,908
and we can give Ben Affleck an
Academy Award for screenwriting.
331
00:17:33,118 --> 00:17:34,244
Big mistake.
332
00:17:34,453 --> 00:17:39,015
People can find the good in just
about anything but themselves.
333
00:17:39,224 --> 00:17:42,352
Look at me. It's clear to all
of you that I am awesome.
334
00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:45,189
But I could never admit that.
That would make me an ass.
335
00:17:45,397 --> 00:17:49,197
But what I can do is see what makes
Annie awesome. She's driven.
336
00:17:49,668 --> 00:17:52,865
We need driven people or the lights
go out and the ice cream melts.
337
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:55,438
And Pierce,
we need guys like Pierce.
338
00:17:55,641 --> 00:17:58,872
This guy has wisdom to offer.
The Dalai Lama and l...
339
00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:01,774
We should listen to him some time.
We wouldn't regret it.
340
00:18:01,980 --> 00:18:05,211
And Shirley,
Shirley has earned our respect.
341
00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:08,545
Not as a wife, not as a mother,
but as a woman.
342
00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:11,279
Don't test her on that, because
that thing about the jukebox
343
00:18:11,490 --> 00:18:13,185
was too specific
to be improvised.
344
00:18:13,392 --> 00:18:17,123
And Troy. Who cares if
Troy thinks he's all that?
345
00:18:17,496 --> 00:18:21,125
Maybe he is. You think astronauts go
to the moon because they hate oxygen?
346
00:18:21,333 --> 00:18:24,700
No, they're trying to impress
their high school's prom king.
347
00:18:24,903 --> 00:18:27,963
And Abed. Abed's a shaman.
348
00:18:28,173 --> 00:18:31,609
You ask him to pass the salt,
he gives you a bowl of soup.
349
00:18:31,810 --> 00:18:33,971
Because you know what,
soup is better.
350
00:18:34,179 --> 00:18:35,578
Abed is better.
351
00:18:35,781 --> 00:18:38,477
You are all better
than you think you are.
352
00:18:38,684 --> 00:18:41,585
You are designed not to believe it
when you hear it from yourself.
353
00:18:41,787 --> 00:18:42,981
Soup?
354
00:18:43,188 --> 00:18:45,588
I want you to look to the person
to your left.
355
00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:49,223
Sorry. Look at the person
sitting next to you.
356
00:18:49,428 --> 00:18:50,793
Look at her. Okay.
357
00:18:50,996 --> 00:18:51,985
This...?
Yeah.
358
00:18:52,197 --> 00:18:55,098
I want you to extend
to that person
359
00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:59,259
the same compassion you extend
to sharks, pencils and Ben Affleck.
360
00:18:59,471 --> 00:19:02,998
I want you to say to that person,
"I forgive you."
361
00:19:03,775 --> 00:19:04,764
I forgive you.
362
00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:06,808
I forgive you.
I forgive you.
363
00:19:07,012 --> 00:19:08,001
You little twerp.
364
00:19:08,213 --> 00:19:10,340
Pierce, I'd like you
to say, "I forgive you."
365
00:19:10,549 --> 00:19:13,074
He didn't say it?
I forgive you.
366
00:19:13,619 --> 00:19:15,917
You've just stopped being
a study group.
367
00:19:16,121 --> 00:19:19,716
You have become something
unstoppable.
368
00:19:19,925 --> 00:19:23,190
I hereby pronounce you
a community.
369
00:19:23,862 --> 00:19:26,126
Oh, that's nice.
I like that.
370
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:31,602
This isn't like
Breakfast Club anymore.
371
00:19:31,803 --> 00:19:33,794
It's Stripes or Meatballs.
Anything with Bill Murray.
372
00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:36,474
I agree with Abed that
tonight has been very special.
373
00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:41,973
And now, if you'll excuse me, I have
a dinner engagement with Britta.
374
00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:44,149
Britta?
I lied.
375
00:19:45,651 --> 00:19:47,141
Thanks for calming everyone down.
376
00:19:47,352 --> 00:19:50,014
But since you're not a Spanish tutor,
just a lying creep
377
00:19:50,222 --> 00:19:53,487
who purposely upset everyone
in an attempt to get with me.
378
00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:57,093
I'd appreciate it if you left
and stopped wasting all of our time.
379
00:19:57,296 --> 00:19:58,627
Everybody ready?
380
00:20:00,365 --> 00:20:01,696
Fine.
381
00:20:02,701 --> 00:20:04,532
And I'm happy to report
382
00:20:04,736 --> 00:20:07,671
that one of the benefits of being
a lying creep
383
00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:10,501
is having all the answers
to tomorrow's test.
384
00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:14,042
And I'm happy to share them
with anyone whose time I wasted
385
00:20:14,246 --> 00:20:15,645
more than they wasted mine.
386
00:20:15,847 --> 00:20:20,181
Jeff, if you have all the answers,
why the hell did you start this group?
387
00:20:20,385 --> 00:20:22,216
I don't have a study group.
I made it up.
388
00:20:22,421 --> 00:20:25,185
What about the speech?
Made it up. That's what I do.
389
00:20:25,390 --> 00:20:28,723
I make things up.
And I got paid a lot of money to do it.
390
00:20:28,927 --> 00:20:32,260
Before I came to this school-shaped
toilet, I was a lawyer.
391
00:20:32,664 --> 00:20:35,462
Oh, man, this ruins everything.
392
00:20:35,667 --> 00:20:37,567
I thought you were like
Bill Murray in his films.
393
00:20:37,769 --> 00:20:39,600
But you're more like
Michael Douglas in his films.
394
00:20:39,805 --> 00:20:42,365
Yeah?
Well, you have Asperger's.
395
00:20:44,042 --> 00:20:45,031
What does that mean?
396
00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:47,269
Ha, ha. Ass burger.
397
00:20:47,479 --> 00:20:49,504
It's a serious disorder.
It really is.
398
00:20:49,715 --> 00:20:51,910
If it's so serious, why don't
they call it meningitis?
399
00:20:52,117 --> 00:20:54,312
Heh, heh. Yeah.
Heh, heh.
400
00:20:54,519 --> 00:20:56,510
Ass burger.
Burger for your ass.
401
00:21:19,378 --> 00:21:22,711
Jeffrey, before you say anything, you might
want to think about the gift you've been given.
402
00:21:22,914 --> 00:21:25,747
An excuse to punch a hippy?
No. No, not that.
403
00:21:25,951 --> 00:21:27,475
An important lesson, my friend.
404
00:21:27,686 --> 00:21:30,917
You see, the tools you acquired
to survive out there
405
00:21:31,123 --> 00:21:32,920
will not help you here
at Greendale.
406
00:21:33,125 --> 00:21:36,356
What you have, my friend,
is a second chance at an honest life.
407
00:21:36,561 --> 00:21:39,257
Why are people trying
to teach me things
408
00:21:39,464 --> 00:21:43,560
at a school that has an express tuition aisle?
Give me my keys.
409
00:21:43,769 --> 00:21:45,896
No, I have to keep your car
for the lesson.
410
00:21:46,104 --> 00:21:47,731
Don't hit me.
Please don't hit me.
411
00:21:47,939 --> 00:21:49,270
Jeffrey? Jeffrey?
412
00:21:49,775 --> 00:21:53,370
Are we cool? Are we cool?
413
00:21:54,513 --> 00:21:55,502
We cool.
414
00:21:57,783 --> 00:21:59,978
I like you, Jeffrey.
415
00:22:01,553 --> 00:22:03,578
You remind me of myself
at your age.
416
00:22:05,090 --> 00:22:06,853
I deserve that.
417
00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:11,529
You know I've been divorced
seven times?
418
00:22:13,265 --> 00:22:15,790
Sometimes I think
I'm doing something wrong.
419
00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:23,374
You keep getting married.
420
00:22:24,076 --> 00:22:25,543
I never looked at it that way.
421
00:22:29,348 --> 00:22:31,179
Shouldn't you guys be studying?
422
00:22:31,383 --> 00:22:34,045
Yeah, things got kind of
boring after you left.
423
00:22:34,319 --> 00:22:35,809
Let me ask you something.
424
00:22:36,021 --> 00:22:39,149
People have been clowning me
about this jacket since I got here.
425
00:22:39,825 --> 00:22:43,226
But, if I take it off to make them
happy, that just makes me weak, right?
426
00:22:43,428 --> 00:22:46,329
Listen, it doesn't matter.
427
00:22:46,531 --> 00:22:49,830
You lose the jacket to please them,
you keep it to piss them off.
428
00:22:50,035 --> 00:22:54,165
Either way, it's for them.
That's what's weak.
429
00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:57,265
Whoa.
430
00:22:58,043 --> 00:22:59,567
You just wrinkled my brain,
man.
431
00:22:59,778 --> 00:23:01,609
He's good, isn't he?
He's real good.
432
00:23:01,813 --> 00:23:04,907
Shouldn't you be rolling around
on a bed covered in test answers?
433
00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:12,856
I don't have any of the answers.
I'm gonna flunk the test.
434
00:23:13,058 --> 00:23:15,652
If you just, like, study for
an hour, it's not that hard.
435
00:23:15,861 --> 00:23:17,886
You seem pretty smart.
You got a sports coat.
436
00:23:18,096 --> 00:23:20,724
Well, the funny thing
about being smart
437
00:23:20,932 --> 00:23:23,992
is you can get through most of life
without having to do work.
438
00:23:24,469 --> 00:23:28,371
So I'm not really sure
how to do that.
439
00:23:33,979 --> 00:23:35,606
Please? So sad?
440
00:23:37,115 --> 00:23:38,343
He makes me wanna...
441
00:23:41,186 --> 00:23:43,848
What's going on?
Can you guys hear me? Am I deaf?
442
00:23:44,055 --> 00:23:45,852
Can you hear me talking right now?
Yes.
443
00:23:46,057 --> 00:23:47,718
That's good.
444
00:23:49,561 --> 00:23:53,019
You know what, Jeff, actually,
we didn't get that far without you.
445
00:23:53,231 --> 00:23:56,564
So if you wanna come
back upstairs...
446
00:23:59,171 --> 00:24:00,433
Really?
447
00:24:00,639 --> 00:24:02,732
Well, it is your study group, so...
448
00:24:02,941 --> 00:24:04,909
Come on, let's study.
Sounds good.
449
00:24:05,110 --> 00:24:07,010
Come on.
Pressure.
450
00:24:16,955 --> 00:24:20,288
I'm sorry I called you Michael Douglas.
And I see your value now.
451
00:24:22,394 --> 00:24:25,886
That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.