1
00:00:03,236 --> 00:00:04,794
Good afternoon,
Greendale Community College.
2
00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:09,271
I am your dean with a few corrections
to the fall class catalogue.
3
00:00:09,476 --> 00:00:12,411
Cosmology should be
Cosmetology.
4
00:00:12,612 --> 00:00:14,341
Astrology should be Astronomy.
5
00:00:14,547 --> 00:00:16,640
The students on the cover
should be smiling,
6
00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:18,818
but I suppose
that's a matter of opinion.
7
00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:22,887
Whoever is growing a small patch
of cannabis behind the gymnasium,
8
00:00:23,089 --> 00:00:25,421
congratulations,
you have won a cruise.
9
00:00:25,625 --> 00:00:28,526
Report to security
to claim your tickets.
10
00:00:28,728 --> 00:00:30,958
In order to increase awareness
of homelessness,
11
00:00:31,164 --> 00:00:33,257
security has been given
binoculars.
12
00:00:33,466 --> 00:00:37,732
In campus news, the debate over
our library's PA system continues,
13
00:00:37,937 --> 00:00:40,929
with some students suggesting
its volume be lowered
14
00:00:41,141 --> 00:00:43,234
while others question
its very purpose.
15
00:00:43,443 --> 00:00:45,968
More on that story as it unfolds.
16
00:00:46,179 --> 00:00:47,908
That dude makes
a lot of announcements.
17
00:00:48,114 --> 00:00:51,606
I like it. It makes every 10 minutes
feel like a new scene of a TV show.
18
00:00:51,818 --> 00:00:54,878
The illusion lasts until someone says
something they never say on TV,
19
00:00:55,088 --> 00:00:57,386
like how much life is like TV.
There, it's gone.
20
00:00:57,590 --> 00:01:00,218
I guess Jeff's running late again.
Oh. What a shame.
21
00:01:00,427 --> 00:01:02,361
Maybe we should get started...
No, no, no.
22
00:01:02,562 --> 00:01:05,156
I think we should wait for
Jeff before we start studying.
23
00:01:06,633 --> 00:01:10,262
But when Jeff gets here, we could talk
to him, as a group, about his tardiness.
24
00:01:10,470 --> 00:01:13,064
Oh, come on now.
Don't use that word around Abed.
25
00:01:13,273 --> 00:01:15,673
If you want me to have
a chat with Jeff, I'd do it.
26
00:01:15,875 --> 00:01:18,673
We've got a bond going, kind of,
sort of like brothers.
27
00:01:18,878 --> 00:01:20,505
Hope your mom didn't make
you take baths together.
28
00:01:20,713 --> 00:01:22,271
Because one of you
would have been like 30.
29
00:01:22,482 --> 00:01:23,676
Ha, ha, ha.
That's funny.
30
00:01:23,883 --> 00:01:27,319
Jeff probably comes late so he doesn't
have to sit through your tardiness.
31
00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:29,351
Sorry, Abed.
32
00:01:29,789 --> 00:01:31,916
Hey, will you guys have
some self-respect?
33
00:01:32,125 --> 00:01:35,094
You are obsessing over someone who
does not give you a second thought.
34
00:01:35,295 --> 00:01:38,628
Meanwhile, in Guatemala, journalists are
being killed by their own government.
35
00:01:38,832 --> 00:01:41,460
You jumped a column there.
What's happening in Guatemala?
36
00:01:41,668 --> 00:01:44,432
Nothing.
Journalists are being murdered?
37
00:01:45,071 --> 00:01:48,472
Believe me, every day in that country,
people are killed for speaking out.
38
00:01:48,675 --> 00:01:50,734
The worst part of it is,
when it's all over,
39
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:53,208
Spoilers.
It's as if it never happened.
40
00:01:53,413 --> 00:01:58,282
Hey, Abed, real stories,
they don't have spoilers.
41
00:01:58,485 --> 00:02:01,477
You understand that TV and
life are different, right?
42
00:02:01,688 --> 00:02:02,780
Hey.
43
00:02:05,925 --> 00:02:08,416
My lady.
My lord.
44
00:02:08,628 --> 00:02:09,993
Hey, baby.
Hi, sweetie.
45
00:02:10,196 --> 00:02:11,788
You smell nice. Vitamin P.
46
00:02:11,998 --> 00:02:14,728
Morning, Jeffrey.
People were jazzed to see me too.
47
00:02:14,934 --> 00:02:16,629
Word them up.
Word them everywhere.
48
00:02:16,836 --> 00:02:19,236
Good entrance. Thank you.
It was for you.
49
00:02:23,610 --> 00:02:24,599
Britta.
50
00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:25,903
Hey, Jeff.
51
00:02:26,112 --> 00:02:29,445
I think there's something that the
group would like to talk to you about.
52
00:02:29,649 --> 00:02:32,117
Actually, there's nothing more to say.
Nice jacket.
53
00:02:32,318 --> 00:02:33,945
If you're gonna study
with people,
54
00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:36,213
it would be cool of you
to show up on time.
55
00:02:36,422 --> 00:02:38,014
Oh. Were you waiting?
No.
56
00:02:38,224 --> 00:02:39,248
I just got here.
No.
57
00:02:39,459 --> 00:02:43,225
You guys spend the first 20 minutes
talking about your interesting lives
58
00:02:43,429 --> 00:02:45,829
and your cool emotional problems.
59
00:02:46,032 --> 00:02:47,966
I feel like
I never have anything to offer.
60
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:49,157
Ohh.
61
00:02:49,369 --> 00:02:53,635
No, no. Truth is, my life is emptier
than this three-ring binder.
62
00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:57,037
Annie, do you have any Spanish
notes that might fit in there?
63
00:02:57,443 --> 00:02:59,035
Wow. Double-spaced.
Thank you.
64
00:02:59,612 --> 00:03:01,477
So what's a guy gotta do
to get a C around here?
65
00:03:03,683 --> 00:03:05,651
That's the one.
66
00:03:34,581 --> 00:03:35,513
Good study.
67
00:03:35,715 --> 00:03:37,876
Thanks for good study.
See you later.
68
00:03:38,084 --> 00:03:40,712
Hey, you know what today is?
69
00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:43,514
The two-week anniversary
of my horrible first impression.
70
00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:45,588
There's a card for that?
Well, not specifically.
71
00:03:45,792 --> 00:03:47,987
But if you think of grandsons
as metaphors for friendship,
72
00:03:48,194 --> 00:03:50,287
you'll agree with
this Transformer here
73
00:03:50,496 --> 00:03:53,659
that it's time for ours to become
a man by reading from the Torah.
74
00:03:53,866 --> 00:03:55,697
Look, Jeff,
you're harmless enough to me.
75
00:03:55,902 --> 00:03:58,632
A life full of ups and downs
has given me douche-ray vision.
76
00:03:58,838 --> 00:04:01,932
But those are good people in there,
and they trust and respect you,
77
00:04:02,141 --> 00:04:04,234
and watching you exploit them
bums me out.
78
00:04:04,444 --> 00:04:07,436
Exploit them? They're my friends.
Can I bring your car around?
79
00:04:07,647 --> 00:04:11,310
No, Abed, I don't want you
bring my car around.
80
00:04:11,517 --> 00:04:14,884
I'll bring yours around, good guy.
You get going, all right?
81
00:04:15,555 --> 00:04:17,113
You're cute but selfish,
82
00:04:17,323 --> 00:04:19,917
and narcissistic to the point
of near-delusion.
83
00:04:22,528 --> 00:04:24,894
She said I was cute.
Tell you what. You take her.
84
00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:26,087
I have less to prove.
85
00:04:26,299 --> 00:04:29,097
You know, Jeff, you can't
pursue people so desperately.
86
00:04:29,302 --> 00:04:31,395
It starts to creep them out.
87
00:04:31,604 --> 00:04:33,765
Why don't we get a beer?
I'll give you advice,
88
00:04:33,973 --> 00:04:36,703
and we can have what the kids
are calling a sausage fest.
89
00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:40,371
I'm not much of a sausage guy,
Pierce. Maybe next time.
90
00:04:41,547 --> 00:04:43,412
Next time then.
91
00:04:43,616 --> 00:04:44,605
Hey.
92
00:04:47,186 --> 00:04:48,881
Will you tell us more
about Guatemala?
93
00:04:49,088 --> 00:04:50,521
I wanna be political.
94
00:04:50,723 --> 00:04:53,248
That's good. You should discover
that stuff on your own.
95
00:04:53,459 --> 00:04:54,551
We need your help.
96
00:04:54,761 --> 00:04:57,025
We've been living on the wrong
side of the looking glass.
97
00:04:57,230 --> 00:04:59,630
You're like Jodie Foster
or Susan Sarandon.
98
00:04:59,832 --> 00:05:01,299
You'd rather keep it real
than be likeable.
99
00:05:01,501 --> 00:05:03,401
Can you at least tell us
what to Google?
100
00:05:03,603 --> 00:05:05,730
You could start with the
journalist Chacata-Panecos.
101
00:05:05,938 --> 00:05:08,498
He wrote an article critical of the
government and they killed him.
102
00:05:08,708 --> 00:05:10,175
Oh.
That's horrible.
103
00:05:10,376 --> 00:05:11,365
Can we have a protest?
104
00:05:11,577 --> 00:05:12,874
I wanna protest the hell
out of something.
105
00:05:13,079 --> 00:05:15,172
A candlelight vigil, like
lesbians on the news.
106
00:05:15,381 --> 00:05:17,144
I could make brownies.
107
00:05:18,918 --> 00:05:20,681
Brownies?
108
00:05:20,887 --> 00:05:23,253
Every once in a while,
a student will ask:
109
00:05:23,456 --> 00:05:26,118
"Señor Chang,
why do you teach Spanish?"
110
00:05:29,629 --> 00:05:31,290
They say it just like that.
111
00:05:31,497 --> 00:05:34,694
"Why do you teach Spanish?"
112
00:05:35,902 --> 00:05:38,234
Why you.
113
00:05:39,505 --> 00:05:41,132
Why not math?
114
00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:46,141
Why not photography?
115
00:05:47,980 --> 00:05:50,380
Why not martial arts?
116
00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:54,183
I mean, surely it must be
in my nature to instruct you
117
00:05:54,387 --> 00:05:57,049
in something that's ancient
and secret
118
00:05:57,256 --> 00:06:00,350
like, oh, building a wall that
you can see from outer space.
119
00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:05,597
Well, I'll tell you why I teach Spanish.
It is none of your business, okay?
120
00:06:05,798 --> 00:06:09,234
Now, I don't wanna have
any conversations about what
121
00:06:09,435 --> 00:06:12,268
a mysterious, inscrutable man I am.
122
00:06:17,710 --> 00:06:20,076
I am a Spanish genius.
123
00:06:21,414 --> 00:06:25,510
In español my nickname is
El Tigre Chino.
124
00:06:29,088 --> 00:06:32,489
Because my knowledge
will bite her face off.
125
00:06:34,761 --> 00:06:38,788
So don't question Señor Chang
or you'll get bit.
126
00:06:39,365 --> 00:06:42,493
Yeah, bit. Yeah, bit.
127
00:06:46,606 --> 00:06:49,074
Okay, Friday mañana,
we'll be having conversations
128
00:06:49,275 --> 00:06:52,836
with the rest of the class, using
some phrases we learned in unit one.
129
00:06:53,045 --> 00:06:56,674
You'll be partnering up
in pairs of dos.
130
00:06:56,883 --> 00:06:58,180
Heh.
131
00:06:58,551 --> 00:07:00,075
So if you look under your desk,
132
00:07:00,286 --> 00:07:04,188
you will find a card with either
a picture or a word on it, okay?
133
00:07:04,390 --> 00:07:06,290
Por ejemplo, Blondie, aqui,
134
00:07:06,492 --> 00:07:09,188
has a card with a picture
of a house on it.
135
00:07:09,395 --> 00:07:11,226
So that means the person
with the card
136
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:13,695
with the word "casa" on it
is her partner.
137
00:07:13,900 --> 00:07:17,734
Comprende, Star-Burns?
138
00:07:18,671 --> 00:07:22,539
Okay, see you Friday, find your
partners, have a great day.
139
00:07:22,742 --> 00:07:24,972
And what do we say
at the end of every class?
140
00:07:27,814 --> 00:07:29,975
Come on, hands.
Ninety percent of Spanish.
141
00:07:34,854 --> 00:07:38,483
Good.
Abed, do you want to trade cards?
142
00:07:38,691 --> 00:07:40,556
No.
I'll give you 20 bucks.
143
00:07:42,261 --> 00:07:43,455
No.
144
00:07:43,663 --> 00:07:44,789
Fifty bucks.
No.
145
00:07:44,997 --> 00:07:47,465
I don't want money. I want your shirt.
What?
146
00:07:47,667 --> 00:07:49,726
I've had my eye on it
since registration day.
147
00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:51,792
Fine. Give me your card.
148
00:07:52,004 --> 00:07:54,700
I don't think you understand.
I wanna wear it out of here.
149
00:07:56,008 --> 00:07:56,997
Thanks.
150
00:07:58,411 --> 00:07:59,776
What are the odds?
151
00:07:59,979 --> 00:08:01,879
Are you sure you didn't
adjust the odds?
152
00:08:02,081 --> 00:08:04,709
I know Abed's been eyeing
that shirt for three weeks.
153
00:08:04,917 --> 00:08:07,852
It's almost like you gave it to him
so he would switch cards.
154
00:08:08,054 --> 00:08:10,852
I gave Abed my shirt
because I'm not selfish.
155
00:08:11,057 --> 00:08:15,153
Which is something I guess you'll
finally discover while we work on this.
156
00:08:15,361 --> 00:08:17,124
Tomorrow night?
Dinner, drinks?
157
00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:20,424
I think that's something that we
should discuss with our partners.
158
00:08:20,633 --> 00:08:23,158
Oh, see, I did switch cards.
159
00:08:26,672 --> 00:08:29,664
Can you believe this?
What are the odds? Heh, heh.
160
00:08:29,876 --> 00:08:32,674
That's a nice shirt. Wanna sell it?
Yes.
161
00:08:36,282 --> 00:08:38,546
What's the moist towelette
industry like? Oh.
162
00:08:38,751 --> 00:08:40,616
Believe me,
it's nothing like the product.
163
00:08:40,820 --> 00:08:44,017
No, it's a hard,
dry, large business.
164
00:08:44,223 --> 00:08:45,781
Destroyed all my marriages.
165
00:08:45,992 --> 00:08:48,222
It didn't help any
that I can't have children.
166
00:08:48,427 --> 00:08:52,955
I'm not sterile. In fact it's a rare
condition called hyper-virility.
167
00:08:53,165 --> 00:08:56,601
Apparently my sperm shoot through
the egg like bullets. Heh.
168
00:08:56,802 --> 00:09:00,465
Can you believe that?
I can't. But you can, so that's fine.
169
00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:04,571
So the assignment is to write
a Spanish conversation
170
00:09:04,777 --> 00:09:07,507
using those five phrases that...
Ooh.
171
00:09:07,713 --> 00:09:09,305
Hemingway's lemonade.
172
00:09:10,182 --> 00:09:11,581
We don't need to make this
a long evening.
173
00:09:11,784 --> 00:09:13,513
What am I,
a piece of garbage to you?
174
00:09:14,186 --> 00:09:16,484
What? No.
175
00:09:18,958 --> 00:09:23,019
Got you. Hey, come on, let's
have one drink before we work.
176
00:09:26,699 --> 00:09:28,690
Mm, mm, mm.
177
00:09:30,436 --> 00:09:31,926
To the empowerage of words.
178
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:35,374
To the irony of that sentence.
179
00:09:36,909 --> 00:09:37,933
So, what's up with you?
180
00:09:38,144 --> 00:09:40,806
It seems like you got a burr
up your ass or something.
181
00:09:42,148 --> 00:09:45,584
Well, I guess that it's, uh...
I think it's Britta.
182
00:09:45,785 --> 00:09:47,980
Forget Britta. All you have to
know about her is her name.
183
00:09:48,187 --> 00:09:51,418
What is she, a water filter?
I mean, heh, heh, she's ugly.
184
00:09:51,958 --> 00:09:53,323
Okay.
185
00:09:54,660 --> 00:09:56,525
Why don't we start
with me saying, donde...
186
00:09:56,729 --> 00:09:59,095
What the hell are you doing?
Our assignment.
187
00:09:59,298 --> 00:10:00,765
Oh, no, no, no.
188
00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:04,061
This is the first time people are gonna
see Winger and Hawthorne together.
189
00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:06,295
We're gonna show them
we're to be reckoned with.
190
00:10:06,505 --> 00:10:09,030
Come on,
let's brainstorm some story ideas.
191
00:10:11,577 --> 00:10:15,274
Better yet, before we do that,
let's ask ourselves...
192
00:10:16,849 --> 00:10:20,148
what is a story?
Oh, my God in heaven.
193
00:10:22,054 --> 00:10:25,581
Guatemala, we hate
194
00:10:25,791 --> 00:10:28,385
Guatemala, we hate
195
00:10:28,594 --> 00:10:32,257
If you like that brownie, you're gonna hate
what's going on in Guatemala. Google it.
196
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:33,659
Oh, hey, hey.
Hi.
197
00:10:33,866 --> 00:10:35,128
Raise the truth.
198
00:10:35,334 --> 00:10:38,064
Okay, once it gets dark,
I hand out the candles,
199
00:10:38,270 --> 00:10:40,636
and we do what's called
a speechless protest.
200
00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:43,365
We put tape over our mouths
and gather hand in hand
201
00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:45,441
in a sea of outraged silence.
202
00:10:51,417 --> 00:10:53,942
Star-Burns, no, no.
203
00:10:54,687 --> 00:10:57,087
What's gotten into you?
This is not how you do this.
204
00:10:57,289 --> 00:10:59,621
It's not how you do it.
We're doing everything.
205
00:10:59,825 --> 00:11:02,191
But this is tacky and lame.
206
00:11:03,029 --> 00:11:05,725
I didn't mean that.
I didn't mean that. I'm sorry.
207
00:11:05,931 --> 00:11:09,992
What I meant to say was that this
cause is really personal to me.
208
00:11:10,202 --> 00:11:14,036
Are you saying that
we're not allowed to protest?
209
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:16,970
Britta, you sound like Guatemala.
210
00:11:17,176 --> 00:11:19,337
Somebody has a case of
"use fringe politics
211
00:11:19,545 --> 00:11:22,514
to make themselves feel special
but doesn't ever do anything."
212
00:11:22,715 --> 00:11:25,513
Itis.
No, I do things. I...
213
00:11:25,718 --> 00:11:27,310
I went to...
214
00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:31,679
I don't do anything.
215
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:34,550
What can I do?
216
00:11:36,495 --> 00:11:38,326
You can hang the
Chacata-Panecos piñata.
217
00:11:39,065 --> 00:11:41,192
You guys realize
he was beaten to death, right?
218
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:44,631
That's where we got the idea from.
Poignant.
219
00:11:45,171 --> 00:11:46,399
All right.
220
00:11:49,942 --> 00:11:53,241
Okay, tell me what I've got so far.
What we have so far?
221
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:56,313
Well, we have something
incredibly long
222
00:11:56,515 --> 00:11:58,881
and very confusing,
and a little homophobic.
223
00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:02,218
And really, really,
specifically, surprisingly
224
00:12:02,421 --> 00:12:04,651
and gratuitously critical
of Israel.
225
00:12:04,857 --> 00:12:07,052
It's called "Two Conquistadors.
" Should be dos.
226
00:12:07,259 --> 00:12:09,853
I mean, it is Spanish class.
Oh, which reminds me.
227
00:12:10,062 --> 00:12:11,996
The only thing not included
in this epic
228
00:12:12,198 --> 00:12:15,690
are the five phrases required
to get me a passing grade.
229
00:12:17,236 --> 00:12:18,897
You're right. Needs more work.
230
00:12:19,105 --> 00:12:21,335
What are you guys doing?
I have no idea.
231
00:12:21,540 --> 00:12:23,701
We're headed to the demonstration.
Hippies?
232
00:12:23,909 --> 00:12:26,878
Some cause Britta's into.
It's a silent protest, lots of candles.
233
00:12:27,079 --> 00:12:29,445
Gets the ladies in the mood for social
change, if you know what I mean.
234
00:12:29,648 --> 00:12:31,172
Good chance to put
some miles on this shirt.
235
00:12:31,383 --> 00:12:34,614
You realize these conversations
are due in the morning, don't you?
236
00:12:34,820 --> 00:12:37,254
Oh, yeah. Right.
237
00:12:39,058 --> 00:12:40,923
What do you wanna do?
238
00:12:49,969 --> 00:12:55,635
Tsk. Hacks. Okay, what do we do
about the ending of act two?
239
00:12:55,841 --> 00:12:58,935
I'll tell you what we're going to do.
We are gonna take this
240
00:12:59,145 --> 00:13:01,773
and we're gonna put it
in a museum for crazy people.
241
00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:06,043
And then we're going to take this
and memorize five phrases from it
242
00:13:06,252 --> 00:13:09,278
tomorrow morning before class.
Good night.
243
00:13:09,488 --> 00:13:12,321
Wait a minute. You're bailing
on our first sausage fest?
244
00:13:12,525 --> 00:13:15,858
This is your definition of friendship?
No, this is my definition
245
00:13:16,061 --> 00:13:17,858
of you trying way too hard
246
00:13:18,063 --> 00:13:20,691
and me finding it harder
and harder to stay polite.
247
00:13:20,900 --> 00:13:23,801
This was a fine enough way to
spend an evening devoid of hope,
248
00:13:24,003 --> 00:13:26,631
but the woman I kind of like
is out in the moonlight
249
00:13:26,839 --> 00:13:28,602
caring about something stupid.
250
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:33,302
And this is my chance to show her that I
care enough to act like I care about it too.
251
00:13:33,512 --> 00:13:34,809
That's all you had to say, Jeff.
252
00:13:35,014 --> 00:13:36,003
That was it? Oh.
253
00:13:36,215 --> 00:13:38,809
That would have been great
if I had done that two hours ago.
254
00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:24,421
Nice sign.
Thanks.
255
00:14:24,630 --> 00:14:26,928
I like what you've done
with the place.
256
00:14:28,334 --> 00:14:32,395
I think was a little too harsh on you.
I'm not perfect.
257
00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:35,165
I am. I'd be happy
to show you the ropes.
258
00:14:35,574 --> 00:14:36,973
Awesome.
259
00:14:37,543 --> 00:14:40,512
Look at awesome Jeffrey Winger.
260
00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:43,045
Too awesome for old Pierce
261
00:14:43,249 --> 00:14:47,379
with your hip shirts
and your gelled hair
262
00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:51,755
and your cool tape
over your mouth.
263
00:14:52,291 --> 00:14:54,384
Why is everybody wearing
tape over their mouth?
264
00:14:54,827 --> 00:14:56,089
It's a protest, Pierce.
265
00:14:56,295 --> 00:14:57,592
Oh, good.
266
00:14:57,796 --> 00:15:01,163
Because I know what I'd like to protest.
How much you hurt me.
267
00:15:01,367 --> 00:15:04,928
Conflicts like these will ultimately
bring us together as an unlikely family.
268
00:15:05,137 --> 00:15:06,468
You have horrible breath
right now.
269
00:15:06,672 --> 00:15:08,833
First, you constantly blow me off,
270
00:15:09,041 --> 00:15:10,838
then you want me to do
your homework.
271
00:15:11,043 --> 00:15:14,376
Then you tell me I'm trying too hard
to be your friend so you have to go.
272
00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:17,413
You had to come out here
to pretend to care
273
00:15:17,616 --> 00:15:20,414
about the stupid stuff
she cares about.
274
00:15:20,619 --> 00:15:23,520
His words, not mine.
He is paraphrasing.
275
00:15:24,089 --> 00:15:26,557
I got an idea.
Why don't you go get a cup of coffee
276
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:29,626
and hold some waitress hostage
with a monologue about sperm.
277
00:15:29,828 --> 00:15:32,456
I'll show you some sperm,
buddy.
278
00:15:32,665 --> 00:15:34,724
Is this your idea?
What the hell?
279
00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:35,992
Fire.
280
00:15:36,201 --> 00:15:38,396
No, I'm not ready to die.
281
00:15:40,606 --> 00:15:41,937
Oh. Oh. He's...
282
00:15:43,342 --> 00:15:44,673
He's jumped in the fountain.
283
00:15:44,877 --> 00:15:47,402
He's fine.
Please call 911.
284
00:15:52,618 --> 00:15:54,950
Have you seen it?
We did it, girl. Page three.
285
00:15:55,154 --> 00:15:57,315
It's about Pierce,
but listen to that paragraph.
286
00:15:57,523 --> 00:16:00,788
"The incident occurred during a protest
regarding events in Guatemala."
287
00:16:00,993 --> 00:16:02,688
Awareness.
This isn't the school paper.
288
00:16:02,895 --> 00:16:05,227
This is a real damn newspaper.
There's a Marmaduke in here.
289
00:16:05,431 --> 00:16:07,262
It's more than I ever accomplished.
290
00:16:07,466 --> 00:16:09,297
You know about
ethnic cleansing in Burma?
291
00:16:09,501 --> 00:16:10,900
We need to bust out
that brownie mix.
292
00:16:16,275 --> 00:16:18,300
Morning.
Morning.
293
00:16:19,378 --> 00:16:20,743
Oh, no, I get it.
294
00:16:20,946 --> 00:16:23,506
Garfield's wishing me a happy Arbor
Day, and you'd like a fresh start.
295
00:16:23,716 --> 00:16:25,809
Nice try.
It's actually Secretaries Day.
296
00:16:26,018 --> 00:16:27,883
It says that I'm sorry
about crashing your protest
297
00:16:28,087 --> 00:16:30,112
with that drunken,
self-immolating baby boomer.
298
00:16:30,322 --> 00:16:32,756
We don't blame you.
Pierce has been on my watch list.
299
00:16:32,958 --> 00:16:35,483
That dude is crazy.
He told me girls have two pee holes.
300
00:16:35,694 --> 00:16:37,821
I sang Christmas carols
at a nursing home once.
301
00:16:38,030 --> 00:16:41,056
I've seen the face of dementia,
and last night, I saw it again.
302
00:16:41,266 --> 00:16:45,032
You know what he did
that's really crazy?
303
00:16:45,237 --> 00:16:48,638
He offered me a 100 dollars
to switch cards with him
304
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:51,139
just so he could be partners
with Jeff.
305
00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:55,670
I think he thought getting closer to Jeff
would bring him respect in the group.
306
00:16:55,881 --> 00:16:58,941
I think he spent his whole life
looking out for himself,
307
00:16:59,151 --> 00:17:03,485
and he would trade it all
for a shot at some kind of family.
308
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,018
Hola, class.
309
00:17:12,431 --> 00:17:13,489
All right, time
for our presentations.
310
00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:16,133
First up was supposed
to be Jeff and Pierce,
311
00:17:16,335 --> 00:17:18,303
but Pierce explained
the situation to me.
312
00:17:18,504 --> 00:17:20,472
There was a falling out,
things were said,
313
00:17:20,672 --> 00:17:22,867
people were betrayed.
314
00:17:23,075 --> 00:17:24,064
Wow.
315
00:17:24,276 --> 00:17:26,335
Jeff, having
heard Pierce's side of the story,
316
00:17:26,912 --> 00:17:29,107
the thing to do
would be to give you a C
317
00:17:29,314 --> 00:17:31,282
and let Pierce do
his presentation alone.
318
00:17:31,483 --> 00:17:33,007
If that sounds fair to you.
319
00:17:38,624 --> 00:17:41,218
That doesn't sound fair
to me at all.
320
00:17:41,427 --> 00:17:43,588
I understand if you don't
wanna be my friend.
321
00:17:43,796 --> 00:17:47,823
But this thing that we've created,
it is bigger than the both of us,
322
00:17:48,033 --> 00:17:51,491
and it deserves to be done right.
323
00:17:53,472 --> 00:17:55,133
All right.
324
00:17:57,009 --> 00:17:59,307
Okay, um, guys, why are
there costumes involved?
325
00:17:59,511 --> 00:18:01,843
These are short conversations.
They're not supposed to take...
326
00:18:02,047 --> 00:18:03,412
Your breath away?
327
00:18:04,783 --> 00:18:05,875
Well, tough.
328
00:18:06,819 --> 00:18:07,945
You ready, amigo?
329
00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:33,698
F, F-minus.
330
00:19:34,506 --> 00:19:35,996
What?
331
00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:38,374
Did you say S?
332
00:19:42,681 --> 00:19:44,012
So...
333
00:19:44,983 --> 00:19:47,383
that was one of the worst
things I have ever seen.
334
00:19:47,586 --> 00:19:51,022
Which I guess makes being a part
of it a pretty selfless act.
335
00:19:51,223 --> 00:19:52,884
So I'm impressed.
336
00:19:53,091 --> 00:19:56,026
How do you know I didn't do it
just to get another shot at you?
337
00:19:56,228 --> 00:19:59,095
A smart guy like you would know
that no woman in that class
338
00:19:59,298 --> 00:20:02,859
will be able to look at you as a
sexually viable candidate ever again.
339
00:20:05,237 --> 00:20:08,331
No, I know. I thought of that.
340
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:10,633
She looked back.
341
00:20:13,645 --> 00:20:15,670
You did an all right job up there,
my friend.
342
00:20:15,881 --> 00:20:16,973
Thanks, Pierce.
343
00:20:17,182 --> 00:20:18,171
A couple of notes.
344
00:20:18,383 --> 00:20:20,851
You got this thing you do with your
face when you're trying to be funny
345
00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:24,545
. that forces people to think
about how cool you think you are.
346
00:21:04,796 --> 00:21:06,229
Yeah, boy, boy.
347
00:21:06,431 --> 00:21:07,693
Yeah.
What.
348
00:21:07,899 --> 00:21:10,697
It's 2009.
Word.