- Oh, hey, Niles. - Hey, Roz.
Oh, God, do you realise how pathetic this is?
It's 9:30 on a Saturday night
and neither one of us are surprised to see the other one here alone.
Never seen this place looking so grim.
This is Mardi Gras compared to half an hour ago
when it was just me and an elderly gentleman
who cleaned his teeth with his coffee stirrer
and then put them back in his mouth.
- Let me get the waitress. - Oh, God, not her. I hate her.
She's in my spinning class at the gym. I've been killing myself
trying to take off these last five pregnancy pounds, and nothing.
Meanwhile, she's down at the snack bar stuffing her face
and waving to everybody, acting all friendly.
She's such a phoney.
- Hi, Roz. - Hey, Kit.
You were great in class tonight.
Are you kidding? I've been such an oinker lately.
- What can I get you? - Oh, a non-fat latte for me.
Coming right up.
See what I mean? She's such a fake.
I'm sorry, Roz, I'm afraid I'm not gonna be very good company tonight.
Well, whatever your problems are, you'll laugh at them
when you hear what I've been through.
I had a date tonight, but halfway down the driveway,
he called me on my car phone and cancelled.
So I was too humiliated to go back in the house and face the sitter.
So don't ask me why, I went to the zoo.
You wanna feel good about yourself?
Put on your best outfit and walk through the monkey house
on a Saturday night.
And be sure to stop by and see Remo the Baboon
who knows all kinds of ways to have fun without a date.
Feeling better about your problem?
Daphne and Donny got engaged yesterday.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, and lucky me, I had to sit there and watch, horrified.
Wasn't a thing I could do to stop it,
much like your monkey-house experience.
I am so sorry, Niles. You really did have a worse night than I did.
- Hey, Roz. - Wait, I'm gaining on you.
Isn't this a splendiferous surprise?
- So, Roz, Dr. Crane, is this a date? - No, no, no, just a chance meeting.
- Oh, great. - Sorry.
So, Roz, where is this person you told me you had a date with?
- That got cancelled. - Oh, "cancelled," you say.
And here you are showing up at my regular Saturday-night hangout.
Will the coincidences never stop?
Perhaps you'd care to join me for a late supper.
No, Noel. As I said earlier today, I am really not in the mood.
Playing hard to get, I see.
It's all part of the mating dance. Watch and learn.
- Morning. - Oh, Niles.
Armani at 8 in the morning on a Sunday?
Yes, yes, I'm having lunch with Maris.
With Maris?
Yeah, we scheduled this weeks ago. She still has some of my first editions.
I thought she'd be amenable to returning them
if I took her to her favourite bistro.
Well, then the worst you're out is a cup of clear broth.
No, no, this is lunch. She takes her large meal in the evening.
I'm sorry to barge in so early. I had to get out of the Montana.
The couple next door were just married.
They kept me up all week with their boisterous lovemaking.
Why is it that when you're by yourself,
there's nothing but couples in love rubbing it in your face?
- Good morning. - Oh, hi.
Are you gonna join us for breakfast?
- Well, actually... - Oh, come on, you've got to.
I brought some pastries.
I didn't even hear you two come in last night.
Yeah, well, we got in kind of late. We took a long walk after dinner.
Yeah, it was great.
The streets were deserted, it was all misty out.
It was like we were the only two people in town.
I wonder if Maris would rather have breakfast than lunch.
No, Niles, here, put that down.
Wait, now, Frasier, if Niles wants to leave...
Dad, there is no reason for Niles to feel awkward.
You're here, it's not like he's some third wheel.
Good morning.
Hey.
You boys remember Bonnie from McGinty's.
- Yes. - I was at the Super Bowl, remember?
- I brought the ham loaf. - Well, who could forget?
We talked about it long after.
It came up almost daily.
Aren't you sweet.
- I'm just gonna get some coffee. - Okay.
You could've told me you were having Faye over.
Well, I'm sorry, Dad, I didn't realise you were seeing Bonnie.
I see her from time to time.
- You got a problem with Bonnie? - Well, no.
If you're bringing it up, I have second thoughts about Faye.
I liked the other one you were seeing, Cassandra.
- She was a dish. - Look, I don't care.
I prefer Faye. I had to make a choice,
no matter how much fun it was dating two beautiful women.
This morning just gets better and better.
- Who wants coffee and pastry? - Oh, nothing for me, thanks.
Are you sure? I make a mean nut cake.
No, that's all right, I'm meeting one for lunch.
So, Bonnie, I see you've met Cassandra.
- Who? - Oh, Lord, I'm sorry.
- Faye. - Who's Cassandra?
My Aunt Cassandra, yes, that must be the connection.
So you remind me a bit of her.
And, God, she was an angel, wasn't she, Dad?
Oh, Cassandra? Great gal. I wish she was around.
Eddie, good morning. I bet you can't wait to meet Lady.
Yeah, we're getting Eddie together with Bonnie's poodle.
We figure if we hit it off, maybe something will happen for them.
Even dogs deserve happiness.
Okay, well, I'll be off.
Oh, hold on, you've got a loose button right there.
- No, no, it's all right. No, no, please... - No, it's about to come off. See?
Here, I'll sew it back on for you.
I've got needle and thread.
- You don't wanna lose it, do you? - I'm trying not to.
- Frasier, I have to get out of here. - Niles, Niles, listen, just relax.
There's no cause for an anxiety attack. Come on.
- Good morning. - Good morning.
Breathe into this.
I didn't know you were here last night. Why doesn't someone say something?
We planned on going to my place,
but we ended up at a little piano bar just around the corner from here.
It was such a charming spot, so intimate.
And to top it off, the piano player knew all my favourite songs.
"Yesterday," "As Long as He Needs Me,"
"Climb Ev'ry Mountain."
Wow, you threw him some real curves there.
Hi. I'm Donny Douglas, and I'm in love.
Listen to him. He embarrasses me like that at least ten times a day.
And I just can't get enough of it.
- How are we coming on the button? - I almost got the needle threaded.
You know, if anybody's hungry,
we've got plenty of goodies here from Le Cigare Volant.
- Cassandra's the pastry chef there. - She is? I thought I was.
I'm so sorry. God, I did it again.
I guess I must have her name on my mind.
Well, that's okay, just try to remember mine.
- Faye. - Yeah, Faye, of course.
Oh, Faye.
I'm kind of glad this worked out.
Neither Daphne nor I has any family here in Seattle.
What I'd like to do is I'd like to make this
our engagement breakfast...
...surrounded by friends who treat us like family.
And I'd like to dedicate it
to the woman who's filled my life with a joy I never thought I'd find.
- Hear, hear. - Hear, hear.
Oh, Marty, I'm gonna cry.
- Oh, jeez. - Oh, my God, look at that ring.
That's it for today. This is Dr. Frasier Crane
saying goodbye and good mental health.
Nice job there, Roz.
Could you try to find callers that have real psychological problems?
Your dad's on line two.
I meant during the show, thanks.
Yeah, Dad, hi.
What? Again? Well, that's the third time he's cancelled this week.
You know, if he's been so Ionely,
you'd think he'd be glad for my company. Well...
Well, all right, no matter. I guess I'll see you at home in a while.
Well, I don't know, later.
I don't know, maybe an hour, two hours, I don't know.
Oh, for God's sake.
Look, just hang a tie on the door if you're so worried about it.
Is everything okay, Frasier?
Oh, yeah, yeah, Roz. I was just thinking about something.
You know, it's funny how Ioneliness
can make people behave in strange ways.
What do you mean?
Well, you know, do things that are sort of rash, you know,
act out of character.
I knew someone would find out about it.
Who told you? Did he tell you?
- I'll kill him. - Roz.
Please, Frasier, don't tell anybody else. Oh, I beg you.
It was one night. One Ionely, stupid night.
What are you talking about?
- You don't know? - No. What happened?
- Nothing. I'll see you tomorrow. - No, Roz, Roz, Roz. Stay right here.
Now, you listen to me, I am your friend, you know that.
I would never judge you.
Now, just how stupid and Ionely were you?
It's the last person I ever would have dreamed of.
I just guess I haven't been...
I haven't been dating much lately, and I've just been so Ionely.
Oh, my God, you slept with Noel.
No! Oh, how could you even think such a thing?
All right, now, listen, listen, just tell me. Now, who was it?
Nobody. It doesn't matter. It was a mistake. It's over.
I just wanna forget it ever happened.
No, Roz, Roz, listen, you know, we've all been there.
Come on, you were just looking for a little comfort.
It's all right. No reason to beat yourself up about it.
Hey, baby, I'm sorry I had to skip out before breakfast.
- Oh, Bulldog. - Bulldog?
- Bulldog. - Bulldog!
Oh, Frasier, swear you won't tell anybody else.
So you told the doc, huh? Guess you just had to brag, huh?
Hey, hey, I don't blame you. I told a few guys myself.
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
- Gee, where have I heard that before? - I'll just leave you two alone.
- I'm right behind you. - Gee, where have I heard that before?
Stop that.
Look, Bulldog, last night was a mistake.
I will regret it for the rest of my life.
And if you ever bring it up again, I promise you, you will regret it.
Hey.
- Your place tonight. - Ten o'clock. Use the service elevator.
- How's the speech coming along? - Oh, it's almost finished.
So though you are graduating today, your learning is just begun.
There's something in the cushions back here.
- What, you found something? - Yeah, it's...
Oh, it's a cell phone. Is this Frasier's?
No, he had his when he left for work this morning.
Must be his brother's. I'll tell him the next time he's over.
I'm gonna finish tidying up the kitchen.
Hello.
- Hey, Fras. - Hello, Donny.
Hope I didn't come home at an inconvenient moment.
No, your timing's perfect, actually. One egg roll left.
- Nice hands. - Yes, they were.
- Here's your drink. - Oh, thanks. Isn't she great?
She takes me on a three-mile run and then feeds me diet soda.
I thought I'd hate healthy living, but, you know, it ain't so bad.
Daphne, why are you wearing that rubber glove?
What, this? I was doing the dishes.
- With just one? - It's the English way.
You wash with the left, dry with the right.
Started during the war, I think, when rubber was rationed.
Oh, yes.
- Can I see you in the kitchen? - Yes, of course.
Let me just call Niles first. He cancelled on me again today.
I'll just be a second here. I just gotta check up on a case I'm finishing.
Poor bastard, I'm really taking him to the cleaners.
Well, perhaps you'd be so kind as to bring the couch along.
Yes, Daphne?
I'm afraid a terrible thing has happened.
- I've lost my engagement ring. - Where was the last place you saw it?
Well, that's just it, I've searched everywhere.
I'm terrified Donny will find out.
You can't go around hiding your hand forever.
You're gonna have to tell him. He's a reasonable man, he'll understand.
I suppose you're right.
No, you're negligent, pal. You're criminally irresponsible.
You were careless and you're gonna pay for it. Yeah.
- Here you go, boss. - Thank you.
- Hey, Daph? - Yes, love?
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm just stuffing the bird for Dr. Crane's dinner.
Listen, unfortunately, I'm gonna have to work late.
I'm gonna just pop in the shower and leave.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, that's okay. Absence just makes the heart grow fonder.
You know, Daphne, if that ring never turns up,
that chicken works too. Just see how it catches the light.
Oh, stop it. I'm just gonna have another look in the bedroom.
All right.
Yeah, hello?
Niles, it's Frasier.
Yes, listen, I've tried you at your office, I've tried you at home,
now I'm calling your cell phone.
If I don't reach you now, I'm actually going to get very worried about you.
Hello?
Yes, hello. Is Niles Crane there, please?
I don't know, I just got here. Let me go check.
Frasier, have you seen Niles?
- I'm just trying to reach him, Dad. - Oh, okay.
No, I'm sorry, he's not here,
but I'll write your name down and give it to him.
Wait a minute, I gotta find a pen.
- Fras, have you seen...? - Dad, please, I'm on the phone.
Well, I'm sorry, I was just looking for a pen. Forget it.
Hello? Listen, could you maybe call back in an hour?
- Dad. - Would you mind, please?
I'm on the phone.
Dad, it's me.
Frasier, what are you doing? Why'd you call from the kitchen?
- You could have just walked in here. - Just hang up the phone.
For God's sake, it must be Niles' cell phone...
Gee, that's strange. You know, he's never without that phone.
And what's more, he's been avoiding me for the last three days.
Oh, cut him a little slack.
Seeing the six of us the other morning couldn't have done much for his mood.
He's probably just gone off somewhere to be by himself.
I just hope he hasn't done something foolish.
Remember, he was having brunch with Maris on Sunday.
Oh, that was just business.
Yeah. Well, you know, Dad, he is broken-hearted.
People in his condition have a tendency to run back to their exes.
A Ionely man clinging to an available warm body.
Well, of course, in Maris' case, that's just an expression.
He just spent two years divorcing her, he's not gonna go back to her.
Yeah, I hope you're right.
Say, didn't you have plans today with Bonnie?
No, it was cut short.
- We had an incident. - What happened?
Well, we took the dogs to this park near Bonnie's,
and I knew there'd be a little sizing each other up and everything,
but this poodle of hers, Lady, which she ain't,
walks up to Eddie, knocks him over,
and then sits her big French butt right on his head.
- You're kidding. - No.
And the worst thing was he just laid there whimpering and took it.
And Bonnie, she thought it was really cute.
I mean, what kind of a person likes to see a dog humiliated?
Dad, may I remind you that not a holiday goes by
that you don't dress that dog up in some sort of ridiculous hat?
There's nothing wrong with those hats. He looks good in hats.
He's got a hat face.
Well, he was probably just intimidated being in Lady's park, you know?
Wait till he gets over to this side of town.
He owns that park. Even the big dogs are scared of him.
That's because they've seen him in his hats, they think he's crazy.
It's Niles' cell phone.
Hello? Niles Crane's phone.
Yes, it's his brother. I'll be glad to tell him. Thank you.
Well, that was St. Pierre Jewelers.
The diamond earrings Niles ordered are ready.
Diamond earrings?
From Maris' favourite jeweller. You know what?
He's too ashamed to tell us that he's run back to her.
Oh, now, stop that, you're scaring me. He doesn't have to be with Maris.
Maybe he's hurt. Maybe he's in a hospital or something.
We've got to track him down and talk some sense into him.
We'll head over to the Montana. If he's not there, we'll go to Maris'.
Well, I don't wanna go to Niles' and I sure don't wanna go to Maris'.
This is not about what you or I want, this is about what Niles needs.
The man is devastated, he's vulnerable.
We need to rally around him, show him our support.
- Why didn't we do this on Sunday? - We had our girlfriends over.
Dad, what are you doing back there? What are you so worried about?
What do you think? Running into Maris.
You know how angry she gets.
I just wish we had a sharp stick or a heavy net or something.
- Niles. - Yes?
Where have you been? You haven't even answered any of my calls.
Frasier, I am so sorry. I'll call you tomorrow.
No, no, no. I wanna talk to you right now.
Well, I can't, I'm entertaining, so off you go.
We're not leaving without you. Put on your shower shoes and a coat.
- Let's get out of here. - What is wrong with you?
I know how difficult the last three weeks have been for you,
but I am sorry, you are making a big mistake.
This is not the way to handle it.
- So you know what's going on? - Yes, Niles.
How did this whole thing even get started?
Well, we had an impromptu coffee at the Café Nervosa,
and that led to a movie, and that led to dinner,
and then ever since then, we've been practically inseparable.
And to tell you the truth, we're kind of happy about it.
How do you even know about this?
Your jeweller called. Your diamond earrings are ready.
Oh, well, thank you for the message. Now, go away.
No, Niles, no. I'm sorry, we're not going anywhere.
You may consider this a full-blown intervention.
We're not leaving until you have got some self-respect back.
Niles, you know what we should do tonight? Oh, hi.
Build a fire and make Smores.
Might also wanna get some graham crackers.
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know we had company.
- No, no, that's okay, Kit. This is... - Wait, I know you from the café.
Cappuccino, light foam. And you too, coffee black, nothing fancy.
Isn't that good?
Kit, this is my father, Martin, and my brother, Frasier.
- Yes, how do you do? - Really? I see it. Cool.
You know, this is sort of a surprise.
I guess I didn't expect to see the two of you together.
Oh, I had my eye on him from the minute I saw him.
He's always so neat and put together. I just wanted to mess him up.
And mission accomplished.
So, Niles, you haven't seen Maris then since Sunday?
Is that who you thought I was here with?
That's funny. No wonder you were upset.
- Who's Maris? - That's my ex-wife.
Oh, well, if you wanna see her too, that's cool.
I told you, no strings, just fun.
You always want your kids to have more than you had.
Niles, pick up, will you? It's Frasier.
All right, fine. Call me later.
I don't even know why I bother anymore.
He doesn't pick up phones these days, just waitresses.
Give him a break, he's just having fun.
That's what I'd expect to hear
from someone willing to spend the night as Bulldog's squeak toy.
That is not funny. It was one night,
and I would appreciate it if you would just let it drop.
You're right, I'm sorry, that was tactless of me.
Let me make it up to you. I've got an extra theatre ticket tonight.
Faye's busy. Why don't you join me?
- No, thanks. - No, please, Roz.
Look, it's a delightful little show, and I'll even throw in dinner.
- Busy. - Really? A date?
I have plans. Plans. What are you, a cop?
I got to account for every waking minute?
- My private life is my own business. - Bulldog.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm weak, I can't stop myself.
- Yes, you can. - Okay, I don't wanna stop myself.
He's good, he's really good. I mean, I'm better, but he's trainable.
Roz, it's Bulldog. Doesn't that bother you?
You'd think.
- Hey, doc. - Bulldog.
Oh, Roz, you still gonna help me write those promos for my show tonight?
- Around 10:00? - It's okay, Bulldog, he knows.
Yes, but high marks on that cryptic cover story.
Well, I gotta make a call.
Station manager's been calling me all day.
I made us a reservation.
Thought maybe we could get a little dinner first.
You mean eat together?
Yeah. I'll be right back.
That's beautiful, Roz.
- Oh, God, this ruins everything. - What?
Well, didn't you hear what he said? He wants to buy me dinner.
Do you realise what this means?
They finally opened that new Hooters out by the airport?
No, he's crossed the line. He actually thinks we're dating.
Roz, didn't your mother warn you that sex could lead to things like dating?
Look, that is it. I'm gonna put an end to this before it goes too far.
Can't believe it.
They just fired me.
What?
Yeah, said my ratings were low, show's losing its edge, I'm getting soft.
- My last day's Friday. - Oh, Bulldog, I'm so sorry.
- Are you all right? - No, I'm not.
This stinks. This is total B.S. You don't think I'm getting soft, do you?
No, no, not at all. Here.
I just thank God I got a girlfriend like you, Roz.
I don't think I could face this alone.
There, there.
Daphne.
- Morning, Dad. - Hi.
Yes?
Daphne, please, Donny's not here.
Will you just take your hand out of the bag?
I was just undressing to take my bath,
and I sat on the edge of the tub and landed on this.
Oh, my God, you found my ring.
I'd given up. I thought it was some place I'd never find it.
It very nearly was.
- Come on, let me have it. - No, rinse off this doodle dust first.
- Oh, right, of course. - All right, yeah.
Well, you sure saved Daphne there.
Yes, I also did myself a little favour as well.
Can you imagine what conclusions Faye might have jumped to
had she found this engagement ring in my room?
- Frasier, for me? I had no idea. - Well, actually...
It's beautiful. It's so beautiful. Yes, Frasier, I do, I do.
Oh, calm down, you big dope. I know it's Daphne's ring.
And I can't tell you how flattered I am
by those beads of sweat on your forehead.
No, they're love beads, honey. Oh, God. Will you take this thing?
Well, I don't want it. What if Bonnie sees me with it?
Sees you with what?
Daphne, will you come in here and take this damn ring, please?
- Coming. - Sit down, have a little coffee.
Good morning, everybody.
- Hi. - Another full house, I see.
Yes, and that robe is available for purchase in the gift shop.
- Hi. - Good morning.
- Oh, you found your ring. - What? You knew it was gone?
Well, Daphne, when your fiancée gives you a hug with a chicken on her hand,
then bells go off.
- I'm sorry. - Oh, it's okay, honey.
I didn't wanna say anything.
I knew it'd turn up sooner or later, I didn't wanna make you feel worse.
As long as we're tying up loose ends, I was just wondering,
what was your ring doing on the edge of my Jacuzzi tub
right next to my favourite scented candle
which was burned down to the wick?
I'm gonna let my attorney handle this one.
I'm sorry, Fras. You know, I guess after a little champagne,
we got into the mood and into the nude and into the tub.
So... And, you know, don't worry, we'll replace the candle.
If only you could replace the image.
Next time, if you don't mind,
would you just turn down the temperature a little?
Actually, we tried, but the knob was stuck.
Yeah, it does that. You gotta jiggle it a little.
Don't worry, it's not what you think. We use it to give Eddie a bath.
- Hey, guys, how are you doing? - Hi, Dad.
- Morning. - Nice to see you.
- Well, you're up early. - You mean still up.
- We never went to bed. - We'll get there.
- What'd you do all night? - Oh, well, what didn't we do?
We started off at a concert,
a wonderful group called Uncle Dirt Nap.
Then we danced the night away at every club in the U District
before finding ourselves at an after-party
at Kit's friend, Massimo's place. He's a squatter.
Anyway, I wanted to give Kit the keys to my building,
and I have a spare set here, so I thought we'd pop by.
- Well, then let me get them for you. - Thanks.
I can offer you a pastry courtesy of Le Cigare Volant.
No, thanks. You know, those things are loaded with bleached flour.
That stuff's poison.
Niles, give me your cell phone. I'll call the travel agent.
- Oh, you going on a trip? - Yeah.
He's taking me to France for the weekend, Euro Disney.
Massimo said we just had to go. Apparently it is so lame it's cool.
Well, I should get going.
- Places to go, people to poison. - I should get going too.
I'll pick up Lady and meet you and Eddie at the park at 10:30?
- Better make it 11. - Okay, I'll see you then.
- Bye. Oh, bye, Bonnie. - Bye, Frasier.
- Frasier, isn't she great? - Oh, yes.
She's so free, so spontaneous. She has breathed new life into me.
You may have to return the favour.
- Am I detecting disapproval? - No, no, Niles, not at all. I'm just...
Well, all right. Don't you think you two are going just a bit quickly?
For the past year, you've told me I had to get over Daphne,
find someone else. Now I do, and all you can do is find fault?
Man, you are such a buzzkill.
Will you stop talking like that? I'm just a little concerned, Niles.
You met this girl last week and she's spent every night with you.
You're giving her the keys to your apartment.
I think you're just jealous.
- Jealous? - Yes.
Here I have attracted this untamed free spirit.
You're saddled with an uptight pastry chef
whose name you can't remember.
Her name is Faye.
And I am not jealous, I'm just a little worried about you.
- I'm afraid you might get hurt. - Oh, here we go.
Whatever would I do without my wise older brother
to tell me what to do?
Frankly, you couldn't be acting more like a child.
You think I don't know the reason you came here?
It wasn't to get your keys, it was to show off Lolita's kid sister out there.
The two of you have absolutely nothing in common.
- Well, we're all set for Euro Disney. - Oh, great. You ready to go home?
- Oh, sure. Bye, Frasier. - Bye.
Oh, I'm so excited for this trip.
I'm gonna spend all my time in Fantasyland.
Oh, Niles, I'm sorry, I take it back. You do have something in common.
Isn't that a darling sight?
Time was, when a waitress said, "Can I warm that up for you,"
she was talking about your coffee.
How was your date with Bulldog last night?
Hideous.
He took me to a nice restaurant, he bought me flowers,
and then we went back to his place and cuddled.
All I could think of the whole time was, "How do I dump this loser?"
Oh, Roz.
He's meeting me here for coffee, and I'm ending this thing once and for all.
Yeah, well, good luck getting a cup of coffee.
You know, it's the funniest thing, he really does look happy, doesn't he?
- Yeah, so just leave it alone. - Oh, maybe you're right.
Do you realise that this is the first time in recent history
that all three Crane men have been in happy relationships?
Maybe I should be celebrating that fact rather than being such a buzzkill.
- What does that mean? - Oh, Roz, plug in.
Hi, honey, it's Frasier.
Listen, I just read a marvellous review of this charming boîte out in Fremont,
and I thought to myself, "That is a place that Cassandra would just love."
- So... - Frasier.
- Not now, Roz, please... - You just called her Cassandra.
Oh, dear God, I'm...
My producer, Roz, informs me that I just called you Cassandra.
I'm sorry, I don't know why I keep doing this.
I know that you're Faye. Fabulous Faye. Forever Faye.
Call me, Faye.
It is one syllable. What the hell is wrong with me?
Well, I'm glad to see that you think it's funny.
No, I don't, I'm just...
I'm having a flashback to my summer of Ted, Todd and Tad.
- Hey, sports fans. - Bulldog, hi. You know what?
You may have my seat. I'm gonna sit over there.
All right.
Hey, gorgeous.
You and I need to talk about what's been going on between us.
- I know. - We're in public.
Look, look, I wanna tell you what's going on in here, okay?
- Bulldog, I don't wanna know... - No, Roz, I gotta be honest with you.
This past week has been amazing.
But I met a total babe at Unemployment this morning
and we're going to Hawaii this afternoon.
- What? - I know, I know.
Getting dumped, ouch, it hurts like hell.
No, no, I don't believe this. I came here to dump you.
Hey, whatever you gotta say to get through this, it's okay with me.
No, no, no, I know, I know. I didn't mean to make you fall in love with me.
- I didn't, you repulse me. - Hey, love hurts, Roz.
And I'm not talking about the time we fell off the kitchen table.
Aloha, old friend.
Bulldog, you cuddle lousy and I'm glad you got fired.
- Well, timing is everything. - Back off, buzzkill.
- Hey, Fras. - Oh, hey, Dad.
Black coffee to go, please.
- You okay? - I just broke it off with Bonnie.
Oh, gee, I'm so sorry. What happened?
Lady humped Eddie.
- Excuse me? - You heard me. It was humiliating.
Yeah, but Eddie's a boy dog and Lady is, well, a lady.
Yes, well, that would be the humiliating part, now, wouldn't it?
Right in his own park in front of all these other dogs.
Yeah, Bonnie got a big kick out of it too.
- Sorry. - And I told her off, and that was it.
Sorry, Dad.
- It's not funny. - I know, I know, I know.
Was he wearing a hat?
No, no, Dad, Dad, please, come back, come on.
- Hi, Martin. - Hey, Faye.
- Hi, honey. - Hi.
I was near the station, so I thought I'd just see if you were around.
Well, great. Oh, Roz, you remember Faye.
Hi, Faye.
You were going to say Cassandra, weren't you?
- Why would you think such a thing? - Well, I just checked my messages.
I'm so sorry. I don't know why it keeps happening.
You just have this remarkable resemblance...
I know, I know, your aunt.
- I'll be right back. - I have got to stop saying "Cassandra."
- Frasier. - Cassandra.
- Hi, Roz. - Hi, Cassandra.
- So how have you been? - Great.
I've been wanting to talk to you for a while.
We've been sort of avoiding each other at work, and it just all seems so silly.
I mean, I really don't have any hard feelings
about the way things ended between us.
Oh, well, that's wonderful. You know, neither do I.
You dumped me.
You're not allowed to have hard feelings.
Anyway, my life is great.
- I'm back together with Sloane. - Oh, well...
You and I should have coffee some time.
That would be nice, yes.
I'm glad we're putting all this awkwardness behind us.
Me too.
- Frasier. - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Hello. - Hello.
- Well... - Whoa, I gotta get back to work.
You going back to the station?
- Yes. - Good, I'll walk with you.
Oh, my gosh, look at the time. We better hurry.
- Bye, Frasier. Bye-bye, Faye. - Bye-bye, love you.
Yes, you do.
- Who was that? - You know Roz.
- No, no, no, the other one. - Oh, she's the promotions director.
- Yeah, well, she's gorgeous. - Oh, you think so?
- I never really looked. - Well, don't start looking now.
If I'm gonna stay, I should feed the metre.
Lucky metre.
- Hey, there, Frasier. - Oh, Niles, hi.
Listen, Niles, I want to apologise for getting upset this morning.
I've been giving it some thought.
I think maybe Kit is just what the doctor ordered.
Is she ever.
And no strings, just fun, right?
- That's what she said. - Exactly.
- So you really like her? - Yes, I do.
- And you're not just saying that? - Absolutely not.
You want her?
- Excuse me? - Frasier, she's killing me.
I'm just not cut out for this lifestyle.
Between seeing myself in a mirror at the club
dancing my modified Charleston
and catching my reflection in a store window this morning
as I Rollerbladed past in spandex...
...I feel like I'm being stalked by some pathetic, middle-aged ghoul.
I just... Obviously, I've gotta break it off with her.
Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry, Niles. You gonna tell her now?
No, no, no, I'll arrange to meet her after work.
Tell you the truth, I think she's losing interest herself.
I couldn't help notice a little eye-rolling today
when my skate wheel got stuck in a storm grate.
And thanks for not saying "I told you so."
Hey, Kit, there's something I wanted to talk to you about later.
Just talk to me now. You know you can tell me anything.
Well, yeah, I'd rather do it after your shift.
You have such a serious face.
What, are we breaking up or something?
Well...
Oh, my God. You just dumped me
right here where I work, in front of everyone I wait on?
- Okay, we'll go outside. It's... - Why? Give me an answer!
- Kit, Kit, calm down. It's all right. - What, you're tired of me?
- Is that what it is? - No, no.
- You've had enough of me? - No, no, no.
I gave you everything, and you used me.
- No, no, no, honey... - Sex, sex, sex!
The way you come to bed every night wanting it, begging for it!
- I never had to beg. - I'm just a whore to you, aren't I?
No, don't say that.
Yes, I am. Your whore, your whore from the café!
It was really more of a compatibility thing.
I'm recently divorced and I've been under a lot of strain.
Niles, no.
- It's been painful for everyone. - They're strangers. It's all right.
Let's just pick this up, shall we?
Here, you take that, I'll get this.
- What happened? - I'm not really sure, actually.
- Just give me a minute, will you? - Excuse me, is Frasier still here?
- I had something I needed to ask him. - Oh, yeah, he's over there.
I didn't get a chance to meet you before.
- I'm Faye. - Oh, how do you do? I'm...
No!
Well, you know, this is a charming little place.
I live around the corner, I've never been in before.
What'll it be?
Martini, straight up, two olives, henceforth known as the usual.
- Hey. - Niles.
I called Daphne. She said you'd be here.
- Oh, yeah. - It's a cosy room.
Guess it'll have to do, because the old whoremonger
won't be going back to Nervosa any time soon.
Yeah, I'm pretty much exiled from Le Cigare Volant
with Faye working there.
- Well, I plan to get stinking tonight. - Thank you.
May I see your wine list?
Hey, guys.
- Dad. - Dad. What are you doing here?
Oh, saw Niles' car out front, so I thought I'd stop in for a drink.
I can't go to McGinty's anymore with Bonnie there.
And Eddie's taking a break from the park.
Well, come join us here on Elba.
- What can I get you? - Jameson's on the rocks.
And I'll try the white.
Well, here we are again, losers in love.
Yeah. You know, I don't know what's wrong with me.
I seem incapable of maintaining a relationship.
I date a nice girl like Faye, things seem to be working out.
I seem to find a way to blow it.
Seems to be the pattern of my life.
Well, except with Lilith. She was just nuts.
Well, at least you take your time. I don't date, I leap, headfirst.
Thank you.
More often than not, I get my heart broken.
By Maris.
By Daphne, even if she didn't know it.
At least Kit only broke my box spring.
All I can conclude is that I must have some deeper issues with women
that manifest themselves in my behaviour.
- The trick is to pinpoint them. - Well, you know what I'm thinking?
I'm thinking of taking some time off and going into deep analysis.
That's not a bad idea, Niles.
You know, Steven Bachman is at the absolute pinnacle
of psychodynamic research. Perhaps we should see him.
If we went in together, we could get a rate.
- Shouldn't take more than a year. - That's optimistic.
Jeez, how do you guys get up in the morning?
You wanna go into deep analysis? Listen to me, I'm your father,
there's nothing wrong with either one of you.
You dump a woman, but can't get her off your mind,
so you get dumped by the other one.
And you should've stayed with the first one anyway, she was hotter.
And you, you're just learning how to date.
It would've been nice if it happened 25 years ago,
but you play the cards you're dealt.
Me, I like Bonnie,
Bonnie's dog humps Eddie, I don't like Bonnie anymore.
Doesn't mean I have issues with women, it's just life.
You know, good stuff happens and bad stuff happens, that's all.
You just gotta look on the bright side. It's like that old song:
You gotta accentuate the positive
Maybe Dad's right. We do tend to overanalyse things.
- Hey, I got an idea. - What?
Let's go over here. Let's do a little singing.
- Dad, no. - No, come on.
Hey, buddy, can you play "Accentuate the Positive"?
Oh, no, I'm just noodling around. The real pianist doesn't come till 9.
Oh, well... Well, you can fake it, can't you?
Well, no, not really. I actually only know three songs.
"America the Beautiful," "Happy Birthday," and "Goldfinger."
- That's all right, buddy. - No, no, no, come on, guys.
We were gonna sing a happy song, let's sing a happy song, come on.
Play "Goldfinger."
- We don't know the words to that. - No.
You knew it when you were kids. It'll cheer you up. Come on.
- Hit it. - All right.
Goldfinger.
Goldfinger
He's the man, the man with the Midas touch.
He's the man The man with the Midas touch
A spider's touch.
A spider's touch
Such a cold finger.
- Dad, this is ridiculous. - Come on, sing it.
Such a cold finger
Beckons you to enter his web of sin
That's it.
But don't go in