1 00:00:00,567 --> 00:00:02,101 - good morning, greendale community college. 2 00:00:02,168 --> 00:00:04,034 This is your dean reminding you 3 00:00:04,101 --> 00:00:06,434 That among your school's prestigious alumni 4 00:00:06,500 --> 00:00:09,001 Is mr. luis guzman, celebrated actor 5 00:00:09,068 --> 00:00:11,267 And model puerto-rican american. 6 00:00:11,333 --> 00:00:15,233 This friday, we will be dedicating a statue of guzman 7 00:00:15,300 --> 00:00:17,300 And unveiling our brand-new school song. 8 00:00:17,367 --> 00:00:19,934 So boy, i don't know about you, 9 00:00:20,001 --> 00:00:22,867 But this sure feels like a real college to me. 10 00:00:22,934 --> 00:00:24,834 - greendale, greendale, 11 00:00:24,901 --> 00:00:26,267 Greendale! 12 00:00:26,333 --> 00:00:29,267 Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 13 00:00:29,333 --> 00:00:30,667 - ah! jeff, jeff. 14 00:00:30,734 --> 00:00:32,101 Good morning! 15 00:00:32,168 --> 00:00:35,134 How is student life, my dry-witted friend? 16 00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:36,567 - probably the same as teacher life, 17 00:00:36,634 --> 00:00:38,367 But less tragic, because i get to leave. 18 00:00:38,434 --> 00:00:40,001 - very dry. very witty. 19 00:00:40,068 --> 00:00:41,467 Not a great friend. 20 00:00:41,534 --> 00:00:43,767 Listen, i wanted to ask you about that young lady 21 00:00:43,834 --> 00:00:45,168 In your spanish class. 22 00:00:45,233 --> 00:00:47,400 You know, the blonde with the pouty, strident 23 00:00:47,467 --> 00:00:50,200 Cate blanchett sexuality and the ridiculous name? 24 00:00:50,267 --> 00:00:52,400 - britta? - that's it, that's it. 25 00:00:52,467 --> 00:00:55,233 Imagine living with that. can you imagine? 26 00:00:55,300 --> 00:00:56,767 Unbelievable. 27 00:00:56,834 --> 00:00:59,367 Anyway, are you two an item, and if so, 28 00:00:59,434 --> 00:01:01,867 Would that item be impervious to sabotage? 29 00:01:01,934 --> 00:01:04,801 - you know, you have the savoir faire of a hyena. 30 00:01:04,867 --> 00:01:06,233 How is it that you and james bond 31 00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:07,567 Come from the same island? 32 00:01:07,634 --> 00:01:09,034 - message received. 33 00:01:09,101 --> 00:01:11,134 I'll just wait for you to finish striking out first. 34 00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:12,367 - cheers. - m.a.s.h. 35 00:01:12,434 --> 00:01:13,300 - fawlty towers. game over. 36 00:01:13,367 --> 00:01:16,168 Have a nice day. 37 00:01:17,233 --> 00:01:18,333 - do you think luis guzman 38 00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:20,168 Will ever come to visit his statue? 39 00:01:20,233 --> 00:01:21,834 If so, i'd like to ask him about his movie choices, 40 00:01:21,901 --> 00:01:24,634 particularly carlito's way, the cowboy way, the hard way, 41 00:01:24,701 --> 00:01:26,134 and q&a. 42 00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:28,434 - yeah, luis guzman is on a private jet from hollywood, 43 00:01:28,500 --> 00:01:31,168 Because he can't wait to have that conversation with you. 44 00:01:31,233 --> 00:01:32,667 - really? how does he know about me? 45 00:01:32,734 --> 00:01:34,801 - because he called me on my cell phone. 46 00:01:34,867 --> 00:01:38,934 - why would a movie actor call you? 47 00:01:39,001 --> 00:01:41,567 - you don't know? - no. 48 00:01:41,634 --> 00:01:43,667 - [quietly] i'm president obama's nephew. 49 00:01:43,734 --> 00:01:45,001 - you never mentioned that. 50 00:01:45,068 --> 00:01:46,534 - i didn't know if i could trust you. 51 00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:48,434 But now it's time to tell you everything-- 52 00:01:48,500 --> 00:01:50,101 Starting with me inventing the ferrari. 53 00:01:50,168 --> 00:01:53,101 - so...i guess the cell phone number 54 00:01:53,168 --> 00:01:55,467 You put on the study group's contact sheet was fake, 55 00:01:55,534 --> 00:01:57,434 Which i just learned in the awkward conclusion 56 00:01:57,500 --> 00:02:00,434 Of a month-long text message affair with a dude from boulder. 57 00:02:00,500 --> 00:02:02,068 - sorry. - that's okay. 58 00:02:02,134 --> 00:02:03,600 Just give me your real number. 59 00:02:03,667 --> 00:02:05,734 I'll cleanse my palate while kevin rethinks his marriage. 60 00:02:05,801 --> 00:02:07,734 I'll give you my number if you promise not to use it 61 00:02:07,801 --> 00:02:09,567 In any other context than friendship. 62 00:02:09,634 --> 00:02:10,934 - uh...pass. 63 00:02:11,001 --> 00:02:13,767 - [bang] silencio, por favor. 64 00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:16,168 Star burns-- that means you. 65 00:02:16,233 --> 00:02:18,134 - my name's alex, dude. 66 00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:19,267 - well, maybe you should spend five hours 67 00:02:19,333 --> 00:02:21,667 Sculpting that in your face. 68 00:02:21,734 --> 00:02:23,567 All right, last night i graded your tests. 69 00:02:23,634 --> 00:02:24,967 I'm sure you wanna know how you did, right? 70 00:02:25,034 --> 00:02:27,168 - yes, i would. - well, i'm not gonna tell you. 71 00:02:27,233 --> 00:02:31,701 Until i find out who did...this! 72 00:02:31,767 --> 00:02:34,500 - what is that? 73 00:02:34,567 --> 00:02:36,701 - it's a tiny piece of paper, okay? 74 00:02:36,767 --> 00:02:38,901 That's all it is. tiny piece of paper. 75 00:02:38,967 --> 00:02:42,467 Containing all the information covered on the test. 76 00:02:42,534 --> 00:02:45,400 Otherwise known as a crib sheet. 77 00:02:45,467 --> 00:02:47,267 Who did it, huh? 78 00:02:47,333 --> 00:02:50,068 Marianne? 79 00:02:50,134 --> 00:02:52,034 [comical voice] grandpa? 80 00:02:52,101 --> 00:02:53,634 Jackee? 81 00:02:53,701 --> 00:02:55,134 Kumar? 82 00:02:55,233 --> 00:02:57,300 There's one asian stereotype that does apply to me. 83 00:02:57,367 --> 00:02:59,801 Whoever did this insulted my honor. 84 00:02:59,867 --> 00:03:02,934 And they've got 24 hours to come forward, 85 00:03:03,001 --> 00:03:06,333 Or mr. miyagi here will wax off everyone's score 86 00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:11,367 and the whole class gets a cero! 87 00:03:11,434 --> 00:03:14,834 'cept you, toby. 88 00:03:14,901 --> 00:03:17,934 [upbeat music] 89 00:03:21,001 --> 00:03:23,534 - the only difference between señor chang and stalin 90 00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:25,767 Is that i know who señor chang is. 91 00:03:25,834 --> 00:03:27,200 - did you hear him call me jackee 92 00:03:27,267 --> 00:03:28,500 Like i'm some black female caricature? 93 00:03:28,567 --> 00:03:30,168 If the good lord hadn't been watching, 94 00:03:30,233 --> 00:03:32,267 I'd have slapped him upside the head. 95 00:03:32,333 --> 00:03:34,667 - who do you guys think cheated? 96 00:03:34,734 --> 00:03:35,634 - flattering. 97 00:03:35,701 --> 00:03:37,233 But if i'm gonna cheat, 98 00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:38,834 I'm not gonna write information from a book 99 00:03:38,901 --> 00:03:40,267 Onto a piece of paper. 100 00:03:40,333 --> 00:03:41,634 That's practically learning, for god's sakes. 101 00:03:41,701 --> 00:03:43,567 Whoever made that crib sheet wasn't a real cheater. 102 00:03:43,634 --> 00:03:47,233 Just...insecure and naive. 103 00:03:47,300 --> 00:03:50,200 - i may be naive, but i'm not stupid. 104 00:03:50,267 --> 00:03:51,867 - well, i may be stupid, 105 00:03:51,934 --> 00:03:54,367 But i'm not trying to look like i'm not. 106 00:03:54,434 --> 00:03:57,200 - well, i may be a genius, but i'm not a lesbian. 107 00:03:57,267 --> 00:03:58,534 - [scoffs] 108 00:03:58,600 --> 00:03:59,734 Who cares who made the crib sheet? 109 00:03:59,801 --> 00:04:01,233 The only real cheater 110 00:04:01,300 --> 00:04:03,233 Is the guy who's threatening everyone with a zero. 111 00:04:03,300 --> 00:04:05,101 - you're right! it's so unfair. 112 00:04:05,168 --> 00:04:07,434 And i can't handle this kind of stress right now. 113 00:04:07,500 --> 00:04:09,168 I'm already overwhelmed by my duties 114 00:04:09,233 --> 00:04:10,701 On the school song committee. - are you a musician? 115 00:04:10,767 --> 00:04:13,068 - eew. no. i hired a local composer. 116 00:04:13,134 --> 00:04:14,834 But he's quite a handful. 117 00:04:14,901 --> 00:04:16,500 - well, i guess that's your fault, isn't it? 118 00:04:16,567 --> 00:04:18,667 - it is? - you've got an accomplished 119 00:04:18,734 --> 00:04:20,834 Pianist and songwriter sitting 3 feet away from you. 120 00:04:20,901 --> 00:04:22,134 I wrote the jingle 121 00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:24,168 For hawthorne wipe's moist towelettes. 122 00:04:24,233 --> 00:04:25,600 I would have done your song for free. 123 00:04:25,667 --> 00:04:28,300 Smooth move, metamucil. - troy could do the school song. 124 00:04:28,367 --> 00:04:29,901 Troy invited rap music, 125 00:04:29,967 --> 00:04:31,734 And he's related to danny glover and president obama. 126 00:04:31,801 --> 00:04:33,767 - abed, have you been racist this whole time 127 00:04:33,834 --> 00:04:35,233 While i'm telling everybody at church 128 00:04:35,300 --> 00:04:37,168 What a sweet little caramel angel you are? 129 00:04:37,233 --> 00:04:39,500 - hey, man, that stuff i said this morning wasn't true. 130 00:04:39,567 --> 00:04:41,567 I was just messin' with you. - you were lying? 131 00:04:41,634 --> 00:04:42,934 - yeah, as a joke. 132 00:04:43,001 --> 00:04:44,434 You've never had anybody mess with you before? 133 00:04:44,500 --> 00:04:47,867 - yes. just kidding. no. like that? 134 00:04:49,367 --> 00:04:51,001 This isn't a table. 135 00:04:51,068 --> 00:04:53,101 Ha ha! that's funny. 136 00:04:53,168 --> 00:04:55,634 - remember when we used to study spanish? 137 00:04:59,367 --> 00:05:00,500 - pierce! - yo. 138 00:05:00,567 --> 00:05:01,934 - i talked to the dean, 139 00:05:02,001 --> 00:05:03,934 And he said you can write greendale's school song. 140 00:05:04,001 --> 00:05:05,333 - well, that's more like it. 141 00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:07,134 - you know the statue dedication is this friday. 142 00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:08,667 So you have to have it done by then. 143 00:05:08,734 --> 00:05:10,434 - this friday? this friday? 144 00:05:10,500 --> 00:05:11,834 - if that's not enough time-- - no, no, no! 145 00:05:11,901 --> 00:05:13,901 You really don't know much about genius, do you? 146 00:05:13,967 --> 00:05:15,767 Yes, i can do it by friday. - great! 147 00:05:15,834 --> 00:05:17,467 There's a piano in the rehearsal space, 148 00:05:17,534 --> 00:05:19,434 And i'll help you out however i can. 149 00:05:19,500 --> 00:05:21,333 You're gonna do an awesome job! 150 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:22,467 - i know! 151 00:05:22,534 --> 00:05:26,001 - so...this is the last chance 152 00:05:26,068 --> 00:05:28,434 For the cheater to be an adult 153 00:05:28,500 --> 00:05:31,300 and face la musica... 154 00:05:31,367 --> 00:05:33,801 Or everyone fails. - no! 155 00:05:33,867 --> 00:05:36,034 - you got ten seconds... 156 00:05:36,101 --> 00:05:37,333 Starting now. 157 00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:40,400 [dramatic music] 158 00:05:45,267 --> 00:05:48,300 - [screaming] no! 159 00:05:48,367 --> 00:05:51,300 I've never... gotten a zero before. 160 00:05:51,367 --> 00:05:53,001 - i did it. - britta! 161 00:05:53,068 --> 00:05:56,734 - well, you really took your sweet time with that one, baby. 162 00:05:56,801 --> 00:05:59,300 - how dare you terrorize a class by threatening their grades. 163 00:05:59,367 --> 00:06:02,001 It's not that easy to get human beings to turn on each other. 164 00:06:02,068 --> 00:06:05,200 - turn on her! 165 00:06:05,267 --> 00:06:06,567 - ow! - [booing] 166 00:06:06,634 --> 00:06:08,867 [overlapping comments] real mature! 167 00:06:08,934 --> 00:06:11,901 - that's right. we are mature! 168 00:06:11,967 --> 00:06:14,767 Too mature to sit in a class 169 00:06:14,834 --> 00:06:18,701 With a cheating, lying poop-face! 170 00:06:18,767 --> 00:06:21,967 Okay. time to learn some formal greetings. 171 00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:31,168 - so... 172 00:06:31,233 --> 00:06:32,434 Wow. 173 00:06:32,500 --> 00:06:34,101 - yeah, i bet you're enjoying this. 174 00:06:34,168 --> 00:06:35,701 - yeah, well, when we first met, 175 00:06:35,767 --> 00:06:38,467 Like you were up here and i was here, and now... 176 00:06:38,534 --> 00:06:40,567 Oh, wait, i gave a quarter to a dirty bum today. 177 00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:42,400 - what do you think they're gonna do to me? 178 00:06:42,467 --> 00:06:44,267 - well, we're not gonna buy you an ice cream. 179 00:06:44,333 --> 00:06:45,734 Hi. dean pelton. [chuckles] 180 00:06:45,801 --> 00:06:47,233 What an entrance i got to make there. 181 00:06:47,300 --> 00:06:48,600 You would be britta perry. 182 00:06:48,667 --> 00:06:51,333 I just spoke with señor chang, 183 00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:53,434 And i'm afraid greendale takes this kinda thing 184 00:06:53,500 --> 00:06:54,701 Very seriously. 185 00:06:54,767 --> 00:06:55,934 [loudly] much like a university would! 186 00:06:58,734 --> 00:07:01,200 Your case will be reviewed 187 00:07:01,267 --> 00:07:02,801 By a disciplinary tribunal tomorrow 188 00:07:02,867 --> 00:07:04,034 In borchart hall. 189 00:07:04,101 --> 00:07:06,101 You could be facing expulsion. 190 00:07:06,168 --> 00:07:07,600 - isn't borchart hall the pool? 191 00:07:07,667 --> 00:07:09,934 - there is an olympic-sized pool there, yes, 192 00:07:10,001 --> 00:07:11,233 But we will be next to it, 193 00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:14,233 [loudly] using its $6,000 judge's table! 194 00:07:14,300 --> 00:07:15,967 - uh, is she allowed to have counsel? 195 00:07:16,034 --> 00:07:18,300 I mean, i may not be a practicing lawyer anymore, 196 00:07:18,367 --> 00:07:20,667 But relative to this place, i'm alan dershowitz. 197 00:07:20,734 --> 00:07:22,801 - oh, okay, ouch, and yes. 198 00:07:22,867 --> 00:07:24,534 If you'd like, you may represent her. 199 00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:25,967 Dean you later. 200 00:07:26,034 --> 00:07:28,233 - i'm not gonna sit while some hokey tribunal 201 00:07:28,300 --> 00:07:30,434 Gets its jollies judging me. 202 00:07:30,500 --> 00:07:32,233 - hey, if you show up with me, follow my lead, 203 00:07:32,300 --> 00:07:34,367 And deny everything, you'll walk. 204 00:07:34,434 --> 00:07:35,600 That's the winger guarantee. 205 00:07:35,667 --> 00:07:36,834 - i get it. 206 00:07:36,901 --> 00:07:38,233 You think you're gonna save my bacon 207 00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:39,534 Using your lawyer powers 208 00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:41,734 And send me into fits of grateful arousal. 209 00:07:41,801 --> 00:07:44,068 - i can neither confirm nor deny that. 210 00:07:44,134 --> 00:07:46,200 See how good i am? 211 00:07:48,300 --> 00:07:49,834 - hey, troy. did you hear? 212 00:07:49,901 --> 00:07:52,701 All dogs are blue now. 213 00:07:52,767 --> 00:07:54,867 Every single dog in the world is blue. 214 00:07:56,534 --> 00:07:58,134 [laughs] 215 00:07:58,200 --> 00:07:59,367 I'm just messing with you. 216 00:07:59,434 --> 00:08:01,034 - yeah, i know, but let me explain to you 217 00:08:01,101 --> 00:08:03,068 A few things about how this works. 218 00:08:03,134 --> 00:08:05,400 Uh, first of all, i cannot be got, 219 00:08:05,467 --> 00:08:07,434 Because i am not gullible like you. 220 00:08:07,500 --> 00:08:09,867 Secondly, you are not good at this, 221 00:08:09,934 --> 00:08:12,934 Because you are not believable in your face, okay? 222 00:08:13,001 --> 00:08:15,400 Your face? it's bad. - okay. 223 00:08:15,467 --> 00:08:16,967 - um, also... - [high-pitched warble] 224 00:08:17,034 --> 00:08:18,867 You gotta ride the line between believable and-- 225 00:08:18,934 --> 00:08:20,634 - [high-pitched warble, humming] 226 00:08:20,701 --> 00:08:22,300 - what are you writing in? 227 00:08:22,367 --> 00:08:23,534 - it's a notepad. 228 00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:24,967 - yeah, but what are-- what language? 229 00:08:25,034 --> 00:08:26,567 - it's probably arabic. 230 00:08:26,634 --> 00:08:29,168 [humming a tune] 231 00:08:29,267 --> 00:08:32,001 [warbling] 232 00:08:35,801 --> 00:08:38,834 - all right, i am convening this disciplinary tribunal 233 00:08:38,901 --> 00:08:41,400 At our state-of-the-art judge's table, 234 00:08:41,467 --> 00:08:43,934 Which has its own built-in sound system, 235 00:08:44,001 --> 00:08:45,500 So take that yale. [chuckles] 236 00:08:45,567 --> 00:08:48,767 Our judges include myself, uh, dean craig pelton. 237 00:08:48,834 --> 00:08:50,467 - professor ian duncan. 238 00:08:50,534 --> 00:08:52,600 - professor ben chang. 239 00:08:52,667 --> 00:08:54,834 - uh, no, you're a teacher. you're not a professor. 240 00:08:54,901 --> 00:08:57,200 - maybe because i don't look like ron weasley. 241 00:08:57,267 --> 00:08:58,200 - that's the difference. 242 00:08:58,267 --> 00:08:59,834 That's the qualifying factor. 243 00:08:59,901 --> 00:09:01,134 - gentlemen, point of order. 244 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,367 How can señor chang be one of the judges? 245 00:09:03,434 --> 00:09:04,901 He's the one accusing my client. 246 00:09:04,967 --> 00:09:06,767 - yeah, well, you got prince charles over here, 247 00:09:06,834 --> 00:09:08,101 Who's your drinking buddy. 248 00:09:08,168 --> 00:09:09,801 - oh, got me. 249 00:09:09,867 --> 00:09:11,634 - well, it sounds like there are two biases, 250 00:09:11,701 --> 00:09:13,400 One on each side, and i go both ways. 251 00:09:13,467 --> 00:09:14,801 Oh, let's strike that. 252 00:09:14,867 --> 00:09:17,300 Lashonda, can we please strike that? 253 00:09:17,367 --> 00:09:20,667 I am impartial, so it should all work out. 254 00:09:20,734 --> 00:09:22,367 Okay. let's begin. 255 00:09:22,434 --> 00:09:26,233 - fine. the tribunal calls teacher chang. 256 00:09:26,300 --> 00:09:27,934 - okay, just keep it up frost/nixon. 257 00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:29,367 - i was planning on doing that. 258 00:09:29,434 --> 00:09:30,801 Cleared my whole day. 259 00:09:30,867 --> 00:09:34,001 Uh, mr. chang, could you remind us 260 00:09:34,068 --> 00:09:35,567 Of the events of yesterday? 261 00:09:35,634 --> 00:09:37,834 - with great pleasure. it was a tuesday, 262 00:09:37,901 --> 00:09:40,434 Uh, crack of dawn, 5:58 a.m. 263 00:09:40,500 --> 00:09:42,867 I got up, i took my morning deuce, 264 00:09:42,934 --> 00:09:44,267 I made a breakfast consisting of.. 265 00:09:47,101 --> 00:09:48,001 - * green-dale * 266 00:09:48,068 --> 00:09:49,068 ♪ green-dale ♪ 267 00:09:49,134 --> 00:09:50,567 ♪ slop ♪ ♪ 268 00:09:50,634 --> 00:09:51,867 Mm, nah. 269 00:09:51,934 --> 00:09:52,967 ♪ green ♪ 270 00:09:53,034 --> 00:09:54,367 [varying pitch] * gree--green * 271 00:09:54,434 --> 00:09:57,934 ♪ greendale isn't a slop pail ♪ ♪ 272 00:10:01,001 --> 00:10:02,734 [sighs] hi, almost done. 273 00:10:02,801 --> 00:10:04,400 - oh, good. 274 00:10:04,467 --> 00:10:05,767 - you can tell the dean i'll have a song 275 00:10:05,834 --> 00:10:07,534 That'll make the devil poop god's pants. 276 00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:10,233 - that's exciting. 277 00:10:10,300 --> 00:10:11,801 Mind if i hear what you got so far? 278 00:10:11,867 --> 00:10:13,734 - well, uh, yeah, sure. 279 00:10:13,801 --> 00:10:17,367 I, uh--i'll probably open with something like this. uh... 280 00:10:17,434 --> 00:10:18,467 [plays note] 281 00:10:18,534 --> 00:10:20,001 You know, a note like that. 282 00:10:20,068 --> 00:10:23,434 And end with a note like that. 283 00:10:23,500 --> 00:10:25,068 Uh, the words, i can't tell you. 284 00:10:25,134 --> 00:10:28,168 You know, the rest is really a surprise. 285 00:10:28,233 --> 00:10:29,934 - i'm just a little worried. 286 00:10:30,001 --> 00:10:31,333 I keep hearing the same two notes, 287 00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:33,600 And your sheet music 288 00:10:33,667 --> 00:10:35,068 Looks like a chinese takeout menu. 289 00:10:35,134 --> 00:10:38,134 - a musician sees music in everything, annie. 290 00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:40,534 I mean, it could be... 291 00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:43,233 ♪ moo shoo pork ♪ 292 00:10:43,300 --> 00:10:45,534 ♪ squab with lettuce ♪ ♪ 293 00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:47,567 You see? i mean, it just comes out. 294 00:10:47,634 --> 00:10:49,001 You know what? you really shouldn't be here right now. 295 00:10:49,068 --> 00:10:50,267 - what? 296 00:10:50,333 --> 00:10:53,034 - you are inside a throbbing, cosmic womb 297 00:10:53,101 --> 00:10:54,600 Of creativity, 298 00:10:54,667 --> 00:10:56,767 And when this baby starts kicking, 299 00:10:56,834 --> 00:10:59,168 I cannot be responsible for your sanity. 300 00:10:59,233 --> 00:11:01,200 [laughs] i know it sounds funny, 301 00:11:01,267 --> 00:11:02,767 But let me play you out, okay? 302 00:11:02,834 --> 00:11:06,001 [cheery music] 303 00:11:06,068 --> 00:11:07,367 Playing you out now, this song. 304 00:11:07,434 --> 00:11:09,600 You know, like on stage? playing you out, okay? 305 00:11:09,667 --> 00:11:11,434 Thanks for coming. bye-bye. 306 00:11:11,500 --> 00:11:13,434 [cheery music] 307 00:11:16,734 --> 00:11:18,934 [playing faster] 308 00:11:22,267 --> 00:11:23,467 [sighs] 309 00:11:22,534 --> 00:11:24,300 - and then she yelled, "screw you," 310 00:11:24,367 --> 00:11:26,367 Or, "screw education," or something like that, 311 00:11:26,434 --> 00:11:27,801 And then she stormed out of the room 312 00:11:27,867 --> 00:11:29,934 In her high-heel boots like it was tampon time... 313 00:11:30,001 --> 00:11:31,534 If you know what i mean. 314 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:33,267 - objection. i don't know what he means. 315 00:11:33,333 --> 00:11:35,001 - please don't encourage him, winger. 316 00:11:35,068 --> 00:11:36,867 Do you have any more questions? 317 00:11:36,934 --> 00:11:38,400 - the defense calls britta perry. 318 00:11:38,467 --> 00:11:40,934 - now, are those the high-heel boots 319 00:11:41,001 --> 00:11:42,400 He was talking about? - yes. 320 00:11:42,467 --> 00:11:43,634 - are they comfortable? - yeah. 321 00:11:43,701 --> 00:11:44,967 - i'm just curious. they're cute. 322 00:11:45,034 --> 00:11:46,434 - thank you. - miss perry... 323 00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:48,134 Did you make that crib sheet? 324 00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:49,801 - no. 325 00:11:49,867 --> 00:11:51,333 - she confessed! 326 00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:53,300 - she confessed to protect her classmates, 327 00:11:53,367 --> 00:11:56,734 Because you were threatening to flunk everyone! 328 00:11:56,801 --> 00:11:58,168 - you did what? 329 00:11:58,233 --> 00:12:01,367 - oh, shut your pompous vortex of overlapping fangs! 330 00:12:01,434 --> 00:12:03,333 - hey, british dentistry is not on trial. 331 00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:05,001 - dean pelton, i move this case 332 00:12:05,068 --> 00:12:06,500 Be thrown out of... 333 00:12:06,567 --> 00:12:07,600 The pool area! 334 00:12:07,667 --> 00:12:08,634 - well, it certainly-- 335 00:12:08,701 --> 00:12:09,967 [sloshing] 336 00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:14,767 Well, it certainly sounds to me 337 00:12:14,834 --> 00:12:16,801 That this young lady's only crime 338 00:12:16,867 --> 00:12:19,134 Is being a hero and wanting to be taller. 339 00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:20,367 This tribunal is adjourned. 340 00:12:20,434 --> 00:12:21,901 - wait! i cheated! - and we're back. 341 00:12:21,967 --> 00:12:24,500 - objection. my client did not cheat. 342 00:12:24,567 --> 00:12:25,667 - yes, i did. 343 00:12:25,734 --> 00:12:28,500 - yes, she did... 344 00:12:28,567 --> 00:12:30,267 But why? 345 00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:32,701 That's the real question, isn't it? 346 00:12:37,101 --> 00:12:39,001 The world wasn't the only thing that changed 347 00:12:39,068 --> 00:12:40,068 On september 11th. 348 00:12:40,134 --> 00:12:41,267 - oh, come on. 349 00:12:41,333 --> 00:12:42,367 - five-minute recess? 350 00:12:42,434 --> 00:12:43,967 - no, no. there's nothing 351 00:12:44,034 --> 00:12:45,634 In the bylaws about recesses, all right? 352 00:12:45,701 --> 00:12:47,634 The wheels of justice here don't stop 353 00:12:47,701 --> 00:12:49,267 Just because you--aah! 354 00:12:49,333 --> 00:12:50,834 Time out! time out! 355 00:12:50,901 --> 00:12:52,634 Save the table! save the table! 356 00:12:52,701 --> 00:12:55,434 - [high-pitched warble] 357 00:12:55,500 --> 00:12:56,801 Beginning transmission. 358 00:12:56,867 --> 00:12:58,634 The primary purpose seems to be male bonding, 359 00:12:58,701 --> 00:13:00,101 And the attitude during conveyance 360 00:13:00,168 --> 00:13:02,534 Of the random deceit is apparently of great importance. 361 00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:05,001 The humanoid is approximately 5'10" in height. 362 00:13:05,068 --> 00:13:06,467 - what are you doing? 363 00:13:06,534 --> 00:13:08,300 - oh, hey. troy. 364 00:13:08,367 --> 00:13:09,634 I didn't see you. 365 00:13:09,701 --> 00:13:11,434 Um, how long were you standing there? 366 00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:14,034 - you trying to mess with me? 367 00:13:14,101 --> 00:13:15,001 - yes, that's what i was doing. 368 00:13:15,068 --> 00:13:16,534 You got me. 369 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:18,934 I was just messing with you, but i guess i blew it again. 370 00:13:19,001 --> 00:13:20,801 - yeah. 371 00:13:20,867 --> 00:13:22,367 You did. 372 00:13:26,101 --> 00:13:27,901 - [warbling] 373 00:13:31,534 --> 00:13:33,367 - man, don't turn your back on me. 374 00:13:33,434 --> 00:13:34,701 - it is on like donkey kong! 375 00:13:34,767 --> 00:13:37,101 Have you got a problem with me? 376 00:13:37,168 --> 00:13:38,867 - i don't like the fact that you're walking around here 377 00:13:38,934 --> 00:13:41,233 Like you're better than me in front of my students. 378 00:13:41,300 --> 00:13:42,901 - i'm sorry. do you mind if we have this conversation 379 00:13:42,967 --> 00:13:44,834 In a room with less balls? 380 00:13:47,934 --> 00:13:51,500 You're very confident, i'll say that. 381 00:13:51,567 --> 00:13:53,367 - but you shouldn't be. 382 00:13:53,434 --> 00:13:54,767 - what are you doing out there? 383 00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,867 - you know i have a problem with dishonesty. 384 00:13:56,934 --> 00:13:59,400 - you're on trial for cheating! 385 00:13:59,467 --> 00:14:01,434 Fa--look, we'll be fine. 386 00:14:01,500 --> 00:14:03,134 I just have to go back out there 387 00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:05,034 And make the case that you're a good person-- 388 00:14:05,101 --> 00:14:06,467 - you don't know that. 389 00:14:06,534 --> 00:14:07,701 You're just doing all of this 390 00:14:07,767 --> 00:14:08,734 'cause you want to sleep with me 391 00:14:08,801 --> 00:14:09,901 I mean, you said it yourself. 392 00:14:09,967 --> 00:14:11,400 You don't even want to be my friend. 393 00:14:11,467 --> 00:14:12,834 - wait a minute. 394 00:14:12,901 --> 00:14:14,901 Wait, is that what you thought i meant? 395 00:14:14,967 --> 00:14:16,467 Britta, look at me. 396 00:14:16,534 --> 00:14:17,600 Look at me! - i am. 397 00:14:17,667 --> 00:14:19,701 - no, look how handsome my face is. 398 00:14:19,767 --> 00:14:21,600 If all i wanted was sex, 399 00:14:21,667 --> 00:14:22,901 I could get it from plenty of women 400 00:14:22,967 --> 00:14:24,867 Without having to go through all this crap. 401 00:14:24,934 --> 00:14:26,734 I'm here because i like you, 402 00:14:26,801 --> 00:14:29,801 And i--i'd be psyched to be your friend. 403 00:14:29,867 --> 00:14:31,434 I just didn't want to take sex off the table 404 00:14:31,500 --> 00:14:33,567 Without doing my due diligence. 405 00:14:33,634 --> 00:14:35,034 - i actually believe you. 406 00:14:35,101 --> 00:14:37,034 - well, why wouldn't you? - i don't know. 407 00:14:37,101 --> 00:14:39,400 I guess...same reason that i cheated. 408 00:14:39,467 --> 00:14:43,200 I...just have more experience being worthless. 409 00:14:43,267 --> 00:14:45,101 I think i left that crib sheet on the floor 410 00:14:45,168 --> 00:14:46,534 Because i wanted to get caught. 411 00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:48,200 I'm so used to screwing everything up 412 00:14:48,267 --> 00:14:49,967 I just wanted to get it over with. 413 00:14:50,034 --> 00:14:53,634 - wait. i think we have our defense. 414 00:14:53,701 --> 00:14:55,467 Gentlemen... 415 00:14:55,534 --> 00:14:56,901 My client is insane. 416 00:14:56,967 --> 00:14:58,867 - what? [judges muttering] 417 00:15:03,184 --> 00:15:04,517 - gentlemen, i'm sure you suspected... 418 00:15:04,583 --> 00:15:07,318 That ms. perry was pretty odd before the recess. 419 00:15:07,384 --> 00:15:09,550 But if you could've heard all the stuff 420 00:15:09,617 --> 00:15:11,084 She just told me in the shower, 421 00:15:11,151 --> 00:15:13,583 You would realize she is all the way out 422 00:15:13,650 --> 00:15:15,717 Of her entire damn mind. 423 00:15:15,784 --> 00:15:17,583 She doesn't want to succeed 424 00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:19,617 Because she doesn't think she can. 425 00:15:19,684 --> 00:15:23,117 So she goes out of her way to fail. 426 00:15:23,184 --> 00:15:24,483 That's crazy! 427 00:15:24,550 --> 00:15:26,483 But... 428 00:15:26,550 --> 00:15:28,217 Do we really want to make it a crime 429 00:15:28,284 --> 00:15:30,117 To be crazy at greendale? 430 00:15:30,184 --> 00:15:31,617 I mean, look at us. 431 00:15:31,684 --> 00:15:34,750 I mean, you two are arguing about status at a college 432 00:15:34,817 --> 00:15:36,650 That correspondence schools make fun of. 433 00:15:36,717 --> 00:15:40,418 Dean, you want so bad for this place to be ivy league 434 00:15:40,483 --> 00:15:43,684 That you are putting us at risk of electrocution. 435 00:15:43,750 --> 00:15:46,650 Everyone on this campus is nuts. 436 00:15:46,717 --> 00:15:49,117 - not me! - oh, come on, leonard. 437 00:15:49,184 --> 00:15:51,351 If you're gonna argue with me, put on a bathing suit. 438 00:15:51,418 --> 00:15:53,750 - busted. [chuckles] 439 00:15:53,817 --> 00:15:57,318 - if you want to rehabilitate your fellow inmate, 440 00:15:57,384 --> 00:16:00,351 you need to sentence her to staying here with us. 441 00:16:00,418 --> 00:16:03,284 Because if crazy people can't be at greendale, 442 00:16:03,351 --> 00:16:05,517 Where are we supposed to go? 443 00:16:05,583 --> 00:16:10,917 [chang sniffles] 444 00:16:10,984 --> 00:16:12,483 I'll recommend that the accused 445 00:16:12,550 --> 00:16:14,450 Be fully exonerated. 446 00:16:14,517 --> 00:16:16,017 On the condition that she receives 447 00:16:16,084 --> 00:16:17,650 Psychological counseling on a weekly basis 448 00:16:17,717 --> 00:16:19,650 From a trained mental health professional. 449 00:16:19,717 --> 00:16:21,884 Thinking maybe fridays, nine-ish, something like that. 450 00:16:21,951 --> 00:16:23,450 All in favor say "aye." both: aye. 451 00:16:23,517 --> 00:16:25,084 - yes! - wait, what? 452 00:16:25,151 --> 00:16:27,550 [duncan bangs gavel] - that just happened. 453 00:16:31,384 --> 00:16:34,251 [electronic whirring] 454 00:16:37,483 --> 00:16:40,951 [abed ululating] 455 00:16:43,617 --> 00:16:44,850 - greetings, abed. 456 00:16:44,917 --> 00:16:46,318 - greetings, commander. 457 00:16:46,384 --> 00:16:49,418 - t-t-tell me about the one they call troy. 458 00:16:49,483 --> 00:16:51,117 - well, he is rather arrogant 459 00:16:51,184 --> 00:16:52,917 And has no mercy for weaker beings. 460 00:16:52,984 --> 00:16:54,884 - stop. stop doing this right now. 461 00:16:54,951 --> 00:16:56,184 - whoa, whoa, whoa. 462 00:16:56,251 --> 00:16:57,984 I'm not an alien. [laughs] 463 00:16:58,051 --> 00:16:59,717 - i never thought you were. 464 00:16:59,784 --> 00:17:01,650 But this is insane, okay? 465 00:17:01,717 --> 00:17:04,284 Those are credible alien hand movements. 466 00:17:04,351 --> 00:17:05,583 You invented a whole language. 467 00:17:05,650 --> 00:17:07,184 I'm pretty sure you rented a green screen. 468 00:17:07,251 --> 00:17:08,583 - yeah. 469 00:17:08,650 --> 00:17:09,784 - it would be less creepy 470 00:17:09,850 --> 00:17:11,251 If you were actually an alien. 471 00:17:11,318 --> 00:17:12,450 - this is what friends do. 472 00:17:12,517 --> 00:17:15,817 - no. 473 00:17:15,884 --> 00:17:18,284 From now on, abed, 474 00:17:18,351 --> 00:17:20,184 friends don't mess with each other. 475 00:17:20,251 --> 00:17:21,550 [abed laughing on video] 476 00:17:21,617 --> 00:17:22,951 - okay? - cool. 477 00:17:23,017 --> 00:17:24,117 - cool? - cool. bam bam! 478 00:17:24,184 --> 00:17:26,483 - [ululating] 479 00:17:26,550 --> 00:17:27,917 - garrett, it's over. he knows. 480 00:17:27,984 --> 00:17:29,217 - we will stick things in his butt. 481 00:17:29,284 --> 00:17:30,650 - [ululating softly] 482 00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:32,251 - you're getting a little sloppy. 483 00:17:32,318 --> 00:17:33,650 - we went over-budget. - mm. 484 00:17:37,517 --> 00:17:38,850 - [snorts] 485 00:17:43,850 --> 00:17:46,951 I've got it. 486 00:17:47,017 --> 00:17:48,418 [playing twinkle twinkle little star melody] 487 00:17:48,483 --> 00:17:53,318 ♪ greendale, greendale little star-- ♪ 488 00:17:53,384 --> 00:17:54,717 Oh! 489 00:17:54,784 --> 00:17:57,351 [sobbing] 490 00:18:04,951 --> 00:18:06,384 I'm a fraud, annie. 491 00:18:06,450 --> 00:18:09,984 I'm no more of a songwriter than you or billy joel. 492 00:18:10,051 --> 00:18:12,351 - but what about the hawthorne wipes jingle? 493 00:18:12,418 --> 00:18:14,884 - oh, yeah, yeah, sure, the haw-- 494 00:18:14,951 --> 00:18:16,650 You want to hear it? here. 495 00:18:16,717 --> 00:18:18,318 [playing she'll be coming around the mountain melody] 496 00:18:18,384 --> 00:18:19,984 ♪ you'll be wiping off that ketchup ♪ 497 00:18:20,051 --> 00:18:21,984 ♪ with our wipes, hawthorne wipes! ♪ 498 00:18:22,051 --> 00:18:24,117 ♪ you'll be wiping off that mustard ♪ 499 00:18:24,184 --> 00:18:26,450 ♪ with our wipes at the picnic! ♪ 500 00:18:26,517 --> 00:18:28,617 - that's she'll be coming around the mountain. 501 00:18:28,684 --> 00:18:30,684 - i know! i steal everything. 502 00:18:30,750 --> 00:18:32,784 You backed the wrong horse. i got nothing. 503 00:18:32,850 --> 00:18:35,951 - pierce, you're musical. you're creative. 504 00:18:36,017 --> 00:18:38,051 You can do this. i believe in you. 505 00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:39,684 - well, you shouldn't. i quit. 506 00:18:39,750 --> 00:18:42,583 - you listen up, pierce! 507 00:18:42,650 --> 00:18:43,917 I'm gonna tell you what my mother told me 508 00:18:43,984 --> 00:18:46,251 When i wanted to quit cheerleading. 509 00:18:46,318 --> 00:18:49,084 You're not very pretty, you have no boobs, 510 00:18:49,151 --> 00:18:51,017 And you can't do a basket toss to save your life, 511 00:18:51,084 --> 00:18:53,217 But you made a commitment. 512 00:18:53,284 --> 00:18:55,084 So pick up your pompoms, pierce, 513 00:18:55,151 --> 00:18:57,750 Stuff your bra, and get ready for the team bus 514 00:18:57,817 --> 00:19:00,817 To forget you at a taco bell, because life is tough. 515 00:19:00,884 --> 00:19:02,351 But we soldier on, 516 00:19:02,418 --> 00:19:05,084 And that's just the way it goes. 517 00:19:07,717 --> 00:19:10,550 - gonna play myself out. 518 00:19:13,117 --> 00:19:15,051 - the way it goes. 519 00:19:15,117 --> 00:19:17,084 That's it. 520 00:19:17,151 --> 00:19:21,351 One, two, luis guzman! oh! 521 00:19:21,418 --> 00:19:23,917 [applause] oh, oh! 522 00:19:23,984 --> 00:19:25,917 You know, greendale may never be... 523 00:19:25,984 --> 00:19:27,418 - just don't talk to me for a while. 524 00:19:27,483 --> 00:19:29,184 - no problem. just glad you're here. 525 00:19:29,251 --> 00:19:32,051 - i'd like to introduce our student, pierce hawthorne, 526 00:19:32,117 --> 00:19:35,384 Who's written greendale its own school song. 527 00:19:35,450 --> 00:19:37,251 Pierce, okay. 528 00:19:37,318 --> 00:19:39,217 - thank you, dean, thank you. 529 00:19:39,284 --> 00:19:40,418 This song goes out to annie. 530 00:19:40,483 --> 00:19:42,117 - oh. 531 00:19:42,184 --> 00:19:44,084 - for believing in me. 532 00:19:44,151 --> 00:19:48,184 [pierce playing the way it is melody] 533 00:19:48,251 --> 00:19:50,550 ♪ standing in the bookstore line ♪ 534 00:19:50,617 --> 00:19:53,517 ♪ waiting for the bell to chime ♪ 535 00:19:53,583 --> 00:19:57,650 ♪ so you can go to class ♪ 536 00:19:57,717 --> 00:19:59,650 ♪ dancing in your underwear ♪ 537 00:19:59,717 --> 00:20:01,418 ♪ taking air conditioner repair ♪ 538 00:20:01,483 --> 00:20:02,850 - is this bruce hornsby? - yep. 539 00:20:02,917 --> 00:20:04,117 - does he know he stole it? 540 00:20:04,184 --> 00:20:05,617 - i don't think so. let him enjoy it. 541 00:20:05,684 --> 00:20:07,217 - can we get sued? - not sure. 542 00:20:09,117 --> 00:20:11,017 - * greendale's the way it goes * 543 00:20:11,084 --> 00:20:12,750 - yeah, they got us. 544 00:20:12,817 --> 00:20:18,084 - * some things are still the same * 545 00:20:18,151 --> 00:20:21,251 ♪ slop pails and pantyhose ♪ 546 00:20:21,318 --> 00:20:25,418 ♪ oh, annie believes in me ♪ 547 00:20:28,351 --> 00:20:33,984 Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com