1 00:00:01,967 --> 00:00:03,501 - good morning, greendale community college. 2 00:00:03,568 --> 00:00:05,434 This is your dean reminding you 3 00:00:05,501 --> 00:00:07,834 That among your school's prestigious alumni 4 00:00:07,900 --> 00:00:10,401 Is mr. luis guzman, celebrated actor 5 00:00:10,468 --> 00:00:12,667 And model puerto-rican american. 6 00:00:12,733 --> 00:00:16,633 This friday, we will be dedicating a statue of guzman 7 00:00:16,700 --> 00:00:18,700 And unveiling our brand-new school song. 8 00:00:18,767 --> 00:00:21,334 So boy, i don't know about you, 9 00:00:21,401 --> 00:00:24,267 But this sure feels like a real college to me. 10 00:00:24,334 --> 00:00:26,234 - greendale, greendale, 11 00:00:26,301 --> 00:00:27,667 Greendale! 12 00:00:27,733 --> 00:00:30,667 Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 13 00:00:30,733 --> 00:00:32,067 - ah! jeff, jeff. 14 00:00:32,134 --> 00:00:33,501 Good morning! 15 00:00:33,568 --> 00:00:36,534 How is student life, my dry-witted friend? 16 00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:37,967 - probably the same as teacher life, 17 00:00:38,034 --> 00:00:39,767 But less tragic, because i get to leave. 18 00:00:39,834 --> 00:00:41,401 - very dry. very witty. 19 00:00:41,468 --> 00:00:42,867 Not a great friend. 20 00:00:42,934 --> 00:00:45,167 Listen, i wanted to ask you about that young lady 21 00:00:45,234 --> 00:00:46,568 In your spanish class. 22 00:00:46,633 --> 00:00:48,800 You know, the blonde with the pouty, strident 23 00:00:48,867 --> 00:00:51,600 Cate blanchett sexuality and the ridiculous name? 24 00:00:51,667 --> 00:00:53,800 - britta? - that's it, that's it. 25 00:00:53,867 --> 00:00:56,633 Imagine living with that. can you imagine? 26 00:00:56,700 --> 00:00:58,167 Unbelievable. 27 00:00:58,234 --> 00:01:00,767 Anyway, are you two an item, and if so, 28 00:01:00,834 --> 00:01:03,267 Would that item be impervious to sabotage? 29 00:01:03,334 --> 00:01:06,201 - you know, you have the savoir faire of a hyena. 30 00:01:06,267 --> 00:01:07,633 How is it that you and james bond 31 00:01:07,700 --> 00:01:08,967 Come from the same island? 32 00:01:09,034 --> 00:01:10,434 - message received. 33 00:01:10,501 --> 00:01:12,534 I'll just wait for you to finish striking out first. 34 00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:13,767 - cheers. - m.a.s.h. 35 00:01:13,834 --> 00:01:14,700 - fawlty towers. game over. 36 00:01:14,767 --> 00:01:17,568 Have a nice day. 37 00:01:18,633 --> 00:01:19,733 - do you think luis guzman 38 00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:21,568 Will ever come to visit his statue? 39 00:01:21,633 --> 00:01:23,234 If so, i'd like to ask him about his movie choices, 40 00:01:23,301 --> 00:01:26,034 particularly carlito's way, the cowboy way, the hard way, 41 00:01:26,101 --> 00:01:27,534 and q&a. 42 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:29,834 - yeah, luis guzman is on a private jet from hollywood, 43 00:01:29,900 --> 00:01:32,568 Because he can't wait to have that conversation with you. 44 00:01:32,633 --> 00:01:34,067 - really? how does he know about me? 45 00:01:34,134 --> 00:01:36,201 - because he called me on my cell phone. 46 00:01:36,267 --> 00:01:40,334 - why would a movie actor call you? 47 00:01:40,401 --> 00:01:42,967 - you don't know? - no. 48 00:01:43,034 --> 00:01:45,067 - [quietly] i'm president obama's nephew. 49 00:01:45,134 --> 00:01:46,401 - you never mentioned that. 50 00:01:46,468 --> 00:01:47,934 - i didn't know if i could trust you. 51 00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:49,834 But now it's time to tell you everything-- 52 00:01:49,900 --> 00:01:51,501 Starting with me inventing the ferrari. 53 00:01:51,568 --> 00:01:54,501 - so...i guess the cell phone number 54 00:01:54,568 --> 00:01:56,867 You put on the study group's contact sheet was fake, 55 00:01:56,934 --> 00:01:58,834 Which i just learned in the awkward conclusion 56 00:01:58,900 --> 00:02:01,834 Of a month-long text message affair with a dude from boulder. 57 00:02:01,900 --> 00:02:03,468 - sorry. - that's okay. 58 00:02:03,534 --> 00:02:05,000 Just give me your real number. 59 00:02:05,067 --> 00:02:07,134 I'll cleanse my palate while kevin rethinks his marriage. 60 00:02:07,201 --> 00:02:09,134 I'll give you my number if you promise not to use it 61 00:02:09,201 --> 00:02:10,967 In any other context than friendship. 62 00:02:11,034 --> 00:02:12,334 - uh...pass. 63 00:02:12,401 --> 00:02:15,167 - [bang] silencio, por favor. 64 00:02:15,234 --> 00:02:17,568 Star burns-- that means you. 65 00:02:17,633 --> 00:02:19,534 - my name's alex, dude. 66 00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:20,667 - well, maybe you should spend five hours 67 00:02:20,733 --> 00:02:23,067 Sculpting that in your face. 68 00:02:23,134 --> 00:02:24,967 All right, last night i graded your tests. 69 00:02:25,034 --> 00:02:26,367 I'm sure you wanna know how you did, right? 70 00:02:26,434 --> 00:02:28,568 - yes, i would. - well, i'm not gonna tell you. 71 00:02:28,633 --> 00:02:33,101 Until i find out who did...this! 72 00:02:33,167 --> 00:02:35,900 - what is that? 73 00:02:35,967 --> 00:02:38,101 - it's a tiny piece of paper, okay? 74 00:02:38,167 --> 00:02:40,301 That's all it is. tiny piece of paper. 75 00:02:40,367 --> 00:02:43,867 Containing all the information covered on the test. 76 00:02:43,934 --> 00:02:46,800 Otherwise known as a crib sheet. 77 00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:48,667 Who did it, huh? 78 00:02:48,733 --> 00:02:51,468 Marianne? 79 00:02:51,534 --> 00:02:53,434 [comical voice] grandpa? 80 00:02:53,501 --> 00:02:55,034 Jackee? 81 00:02:55,101 --> 00:02:56,534 Kumar? 82 00:02:56,633 --> 00:02:58,700 There's one asian stereotype that does apply to me. 83 00:02:58,767 --> 00:03:01,201 Whoever did this insulted my honor. 84 00:03:01,267 --> 00:03:04,334 And they've got 24 hours to come forward, 85 00:03:04,401 --> 00:03:07,733 Or mr. miyagi here will wax off everyone's score 86 00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:12,767 and the whole class gets a cero! 87 00:03:12,834 --> 00:03:16,234 'cept you, toby. 88 00:03:16,301 --> 00:03:19,334 [upbeat music] 89 00:03:22,401 --> 00:03:24,934 - the only difference between señor chang and stalin 90 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:27,167 Is that i know who señor chang is. 91 00:03:27,234 --> 00:03:28,600 - did you hear him call me jackee 92 00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:29,900 Like i'm some black female caricature? 93 00:03:29,967 --> 00:03:31,568 If the good lord hadn't been watching, 94 00:03:31,633 --> 00:03:33,667 I'd have slapped him upside the head. 95 00:03:33,733 --> 00:03:36,067 - who do you guys think cheated? 96 00:03:36,134 --> 00:03:37,034 - flattering. 97 00:03:37,101 --> 00:03:38,633 But if i'm gonna cheat, 98 00:03:38,700 --> 00:03:40,234 I'm not gonna write information from a book 99 00:03:40,301 --> 00:03:41,667 Onto a piece of paper. 100 00:03:41,733 --> 00:03:43,034 That's practically learning, for god's sakes. 101 00:03:43,101 --> 00:03:44,967 Whoever made that crib sheet wasn't a real cheater. 102 00:03:45,034 --> 00:03:48,633 Just...insecure and naive. 103 00:03:48,700 --> 00:03:51,600 - i may be naive, but i'm not stupid. 104 00:03:51,667 --> 00:03:53,267 - well, i may be stupid, 105 00:03:53,334 --> 00:03:55,767 But i'm not trying to look like i'm not. 106 00:03:55,834 --> 00:03:58,600 - well, i may be a genius, but i'm not a lesbian. 107 00:03:58,667 --> 00:03:59,934 - [scoffs] 108 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:01,134 Who cares who made the crib sheet? 109 00:04:01,201 --> 00:04:02,633 The only real cheater 110 00:04:02,700 --> 00:04:04,633 Is the guy who's threatening everyone with a zero. 111 00:04:04,700 --> 00:04:06,501 - you're right! it's so unfair. 112 00:04:06,568 --> 00:04:08,834 And i can't handle this kind of stress right now. 113 00:04:08,900 --> 00:04:10,568 I'm already overwhelmed by my duties 114 00:04:10,633 --> 00:04:12,101 On the school song committee. - are you a musician? 115 00:04:12,167 --> 00:04:14,468 - eew. no. i hired a local composer. 116 00:04:14,534 --> 00:04:16,234 But he's quite a handful. 117 00:04:16,301 --> 00:04:17,900 - well, i guess that's your fault, isn't it? 118 00:04:17,967 --> 00:04:20,067 - it is? - you've got an accomplished 119 00:04:20,134 --> 00:04:22,234 Pianist and songwriter sitting 3 feet away from you. 120 00:04:22,301 --> 00:04:23,534 I wrote the jingle 121 00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:25,568 For hawthorne wipe's moist towelettes. 122 00:04:25,633 --> 00:04:27,000 I would have done your song for free. 123 00:04:27,067 --> 00:04:29,700 Smooth move, metamucil. - troy could do the school song. 124 00:04:29,767 --> 00:04:31,301 Troy invited rap music, 125 00:04:31,367 --> 00:04:33,134 And he's related to danny glover and president obama. 126 00:04:33,201 --> 00:04:35,167 - abed, have you been racist this whole time 127 00:04:35,234 --> 00:04:36,633 While i'm telling everybody at church 128 00:04:36,700 --> 00:04:38,568 What a sweet little caramel angel you are? 129 00:04:38,633 --> 00:04:40,900 - hey, man, that stuff i said this morning wasn't true. 130 00:04:40,967 --> 00:04:42,967 I was just messin' with you. - you were lying? 131 00:04:43,034 --> 00:04:44,334 - yeah, as a joke. 132 00:04:44,401 --> 00:04:45,834 You've never had anybody mess with you before? 133 00:04:45,900 --> 00:04:49,267 - yes. just kidding. no. like that? 134 00:04:50,767 --> 00:04:52,401 This isn't a table. 135 00:04:52,468 --> 00:04:54,501 Ha ha! that's funny. 136 00:04:54,568 --> 00:04:57,034 - remember when we used to study spanish? 137 00:05:00,767 --> 00:05:01,900 - pierce! - yo. 138 00:05:01,967 --> 00:05:03,334 - i talked to the dean, 139 00:05:03,401 --> 00:05:05,334 And he said you can write greendale's school song. 140 00:05:05,401 --> 00:05:06,733 - well, that's more like it. 141 00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:08,534 - you know the statue dedication is this friday. 142 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:10,067 So you have to have it done by then. 143 00:05:10,134 --> 00:05:11,834 - this friday? this friday? 144 00:05:11,900 --> 00:05:13,234 - if that's not enough time-- - no, no, no! 145 00:05:13,301 --> 00:05:15,301 You really don't know much about genius, do you? 146 00:05:15,367 --> 00:05:17,167 Yes, i can do it by friday. - great! 147 00:05:17,234 --> 00:05:18,867 There's a piano in the rehearsal space, 148 00:05:18,934 --> 00:05:20,834 And i'll help you out however i can. 149 00:05:20,900 --> 00:05:22,733 You're gonna do an awesome job! 150 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:23,867 - i know! 151 00:05:23,934 --> 00:05:27,401 - so...this is the last chance 152 00:05:27,468 --> 00:05:29,834 For the cheater to be an adult 153 00:05:29,900 --> 00:05:32,700 and face la musica... 154 00:05:32,767 --> 00:05:35,201 Or everyone fails. - no! 155 00:05:35,267 --> 00:05:37,434 - you got ten seconds... 156 00:05:37,501 --> 00:05:38,733 Starting now. 157 00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:41,800 [dramatic music] 158 00:05:46,667 --> 00:05:49,700 - [screaming] no! 159 00:05:49,767 --> 00:05:52,700 I've never... gotten a zero before. 160 00:05:52,767 --> 00:05:54,401 - i did it. - britta! 161 00:05:54,468 --> 00:05:58,134 - well, you really took your sweet time with that one, baby. 162 00:05:58,201 --> 00:06:00,700 - how dare you terrorize a class by threatening their grades. 163 00:06:00,767 --> 00:06:03,401 It's not that easy to get human beings to turn on each other. 164 00:06:03,468 --> 00:06:06,600 - turn on her! 165 00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:07,967 - ow! - [booing] 166 00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:10,267 [overlapping comments] real mature! 167 00:06:10,334 --> 00:06:13,301 - that's right. we are mature! 168 00:06:13,367 --> 00:06:16,167 Too mature to sit in a class 169 00:06:16,234 --> 00:06:20,101 With a cheating, lying poop-face! 170 00:06:20,167 --> 00:06:23,367 Okay. time to learn some formal greetings. 171 00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:32,568 - so... 172 00:06:32,633 --> 00:06:33,834 Wow. 173 00:06:33,900 --> 00:06:35,501 - yeah, i bet you're enjoying this. 174 00:06:35,568 --> 00:06:37,101 - yeah, well, when we first met, 175 00:06:37,167 --> 00:06:39,867 Like you were up here and i was here, and now... 176 00:06:39,934 --> 00:06:41,967 Oh, wait, i gave a quarter to a dirty bum today. 177 00:06:42,034 --> 00:06:43,800 - what do you think they're gonna do to me? 178 00:06:43,867 --> 00:06:45,667 - well, we're not gonna buy you an ice cream. 179 00:06:45,733 --> 00:06:47,134 Hi. dean pelton. [chuckles] 180 00:06:47,201 --> 00:06:48,633 What an entrance i got to make there. 181 00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:50,000 You would be britta perry. 182 00:06:50,067 --> 00:06:52,733 I just spoke with señor chang, 183 00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:54,834 And i'm afraid greendale takes this kinda thing 184 00:06:54,900 --> 00:06:56,101 Very seriously. 185 00:06:56,167 --> 00:06:57,334 [loudly] much like a university would! 186 00:07:00,134 --> 00:07:02,600 Your case will be reviewed 187 00:07:02,667 --> 00:07:04,201 By a disciplinary tribunal tomorrow 188 00:07:04,267 --> 00:07:05,434 In borchart hall. 189 00:07:05,501 --> 00:07:07,501 You could be facing expulsion. 190 00:07:07,568 --> 00:07:09,000 - isn't borchart hall the pool? 191 00:07:09,067 --> 00:07:11,334 - there is an olympic-sized pool there, yes, 192 00:07:11,401 --> 00:07:12,633 But we will be next to it, 193 00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:15,633 [loudly] using its $6,000 judge's table! 194 00:07:15,700 --> 00:07:17,367 - uh, is she allowed to have counsel? 195 00:07:17,434 --> 00:07:19,700 I mean, i may not be a practicing lawyer anymore, 196 00:07:19,767 --> 00:07:22,067 But relative to this place, i'm alan dershowitz. 197 00:07:22,134 --> 00:07:24,201 - oh, okay, ouch, and yes. 198 00:07:24,267 --> 00:07:25,934 If you'd like, you may represent her. 199 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:27,367 Dean you later. 200 00:07:27,434 --> 00:07:29,633 - i'm not gonna sit while some hokey tribunal 201 00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:31,834 Gets its jollies judging me. 202 00:07:31,900 --> 00:07:33,633 - hey, if you show up with me, follow my lead, 203 00:07:33,700 --> 00:07:35,767 And deny everything, you'll walk. 204 00:07:35,834 --> 00:07:37,000 That's the winger guarantee. 205 00:07:37,067 --> 00:07:38,234 - i get it. 206 00:07:38,301 --> 00:07:39,633 You think you're gonna save my bacon 207 00:07:39,700 --> 00:07:40,934 Using your lawyer powers 208 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:43,134 And send me into fits of grateful arousal. 209 00:07:43,201 --> 00:07:45,468 - i can neither confirm nor deny that. 210 00:07:45,534 --> 00:07:47,600 See how good i am? 211 00:07:49,700 --> 00:07:51,234 - hey, troy. did you hear? 212 00:07:51,301 --> 00:07:54,101 All dogs are blue now. 213 00:07:54,167 --> 00:07:56,267 Every single dog in the world is blue. 214 00:07:57,934 --> 00:07:59,534 [laughs] 215 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:00,767 I'm just messing with you. 216 00:08:00,834 --> 00:08:02,434 - yeah, i know, but let me explain to you 217 00:08:02,501 --> 00:08:04,468 A few things about how this works. 218 00:08:04,534 --> 00:08:06,800 Uh, first of all, i cannot be got, 219 00:08:06,867 --> 00:08:08,834 Because i am not gullible like you. 220 00:08:08,900 --> 00:08:11,267 Secondly, you are not good at this, 221 00:08:11,334 --> 00:08:14,334 Because you are not believable in your face, okay? 222 00:08:14,401 --> 00:08:16,800 Your face? it's bad. - okay. 223 00:08:16,867 --> 00:08:18,367 - um, also... - [high-pitched warble] 224 00:08:18,434 --> 00:08:20,267 You gotta ride the line between believable and-- 225 00:08:20,334 --> 00:08:22,034 - [high-pitched warble, humming] 226 00:08:22,101 --> 00:08:23,700 - what are you writing in? 227 00:08:23,767 --> 00:08:24,934 - it's a notepad. 228 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:26,367 - yeah, but what are-- what language? 229 00:08:26,434 --> 00:08:27,967 - it's probably arabic. 230 00:08:28,034 --> 00:08:30,568 [humming a tune] 231 00:08:30,667 --> 00:08:33,401 [warbling] 232 00:08:37,201 --> 00:08:40,234 - all right, i am convening this disciplinary tribunal 233 00:08:40,301 --> 00:08:42,800 At our state-of-the-art judge's table, 234 00:08:42,867 --> 00:08:45,334 Which has its own built-in sound system, 235 00:08:45,401 --> 00:08:46,900 So take that yale. [chuckles] 236 00:08:46,967 --> 00:08:50,167 Our judges include myself, uh, dean craig pelton. 237 00:08:50,234 --> 00:08:51,867 - professor ian duncan. 238 00:08:51,934 --> 00:08:54,000 - professor ben chang. 239 00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:56,234 - uh, no, you're a teacher. you're not a professor. 240 00:08:56,301 --> 00:08:58,600 - maybe because i don't look like ron weasley. 241 00:08:58,667 --> 00:08:59,600 - that's the difference. 242 00:08:59,667 --> 00:09:01,234 That's the qualifying factor. 243 00:09:01,301 --> 00:09:02,534 - gentlemen, point of order. 244 00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:04,767 How can señor chang be one of the judges? 245 00:09:04,834 --> 00:09:06,301 He's the one accusing my client. 246 00:09:06,367 --> 00:09:08,167 - yeah, well, you got prince charles over here, 247 00:09:08,234 --> 00:09:09,501 Who's your drinking buddy. 248 00:09:09,568 --> 00:09:11,201 - oh, got me. 249 00:09:11,267 --> 00:09:13,034 - well, it sounds like there are two biases, 250 00:09:13,101 --> 00:09:14,800 One on each side, and i go both ways. 251 00:09:14,867 --> 00:09:16,201 Oh, let's strike that. 252 00:09:16,267 --> 00:09:18,700 Lashonda, can we please strike that? 253 00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:22,067 I am impartial, so it should all work out. 254 00:09:22,134 --> 00:09:23,767 Okay. let's begin. 255 00:09:23,834 --> 00:09:27,633 - fine. the tribunal calls teacher chang. 256 00:09:27,700 --> 00:09:29,334 - okay, just keep it up frost/nixon. 257 00:09:29,401 --> 00:09:30,767 - i was planning on doing that. 258 00:09:30,834 --> 00:09:32,201 Cleared my whole day. 259 00:09:32,267 --> 00:09:35,401 Uh, mr. chang, could you remind us 260 00:09:35,468 --> 00:09:36,967 Of the events of yesterday? 261 00:09:37,034 --> 00:09:39,234 - with great pleasure. it was a tuesday, 262 00:09:39,301 --> 00:09:41,834 Uh, crack of dawn, 5:58 a.m. 263 00:09:41,900 --> 00:09:44,267 I got up, i took my morning deuce, 264 00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:45,667 I made a breakfast consisting of.. 265 00:09:47,901 --> 00:09:48,801 - * green-dale * 266 00:09:48,868 --> 00:09:49,868 ♪ green-dale ♪ 267 00:09:49,934 --> 00:09:51,367 ♪ slop ♪ ♪ 268 00:09:51,434 --> 00:09:52,667 Mm, nah. 269 00:09:52,734 --> 00:09:53,767 ♪ green ♪ 270 00:09:53,834 --> 00:09:55,167 [varying pitch] * gree--green * 271 00:09:55,234 --> 00:09:58,734 ♪ greendale isn't a slop pail ♪ ♪ 272 00:10:01,801 --> 00:10:03,534 [sighs] hi, almost done. 273 00:10:03,601 --> 00:10:05,200 - oh, good. 274 00:10:05,267 --> 00:10:06,567 - you can tell the dean i'll have a song 275 00:10:06,634 --> 00:10:08,334 That'll make the devil poop god's pants. 276 00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:11,033 - that's exciting. 277 00:10:11,100 --> 00:10:12,601 Mind if i hear what you got so far? 278 00:10:12,667 --> 00:10:14,534 - well, uh, yeah, sure. 279 00:10:14,601 --> 00:10:18,167 I, uh--i'll probably open with something like this. uh... 280 00:10:18,234 --> 00:10:19,267 [plays note] 281 00:10:19,334 --> 00:10:20,801 You know, a note like that. 282 00:10:20,868 --> 00:10:24,234 And end with a note like that. 283 00:10:24,300 --> 00:10:25,868 Uh, the words, i can't tell you. 284 00:10:25,934 --> 00:10:28,968 You know, the rest is really a surprise. 285 00:10:29,033 --> 00:10:30,734 - i'm just a little worried. 286 00:10:30,801 --> 00:10:32,133 I keep hearing the same two notes, 287 00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:34,400 And your sheet music 288 00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:35,868 Looks like a chinese takeout menu. 289 00:10:35,934 --> 00:10:38,934 - a musician sees music in everything, annie. 290 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:41,334 I mean, it could be... 291 00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:44,033 ♪ moo shoo pork ♪ 292 00:10:44,100 --> 00:10:46,334 ♪ squab with lettuce ♪ ♪ 293 00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:48,367 You see? i mean, it just comes out. 294 00:10:48,434 --> 00:10:49,801 You know what? you really shouldn't be here right now. 295 00:10:49,868 --> 00:10:51,067 - what? 296 00:10:51,133 --> 00:10:53,834 - you are inside a throbbing, cosmic womb 297 00:10:53,901 --> 00:10:55,400 Of creativity, 298 00:10:55,467 --> 00:10:57,567 And when this baby starts kicking, 299 00:10:57,634 --> 00:10:59,968 I cannot be responsible for your sanity. 300 00:11:00,033 --> 00:11:02,000 [laughs] i know it sounds funny, 301 00:11:02,067 --> 00:11:03,567 But let me play you out, okay? 302 00:11:03,634 --> 00:11:06,801 [cheery music] 303 00:11:06,868 --> 00:11:08,167 Playing you out now, this song. 304 00:11:08,234 --> 00:11:10,400 You know, like on stage? playing you out, okay? 305 00:11:10,467 --> 00:11:12,234 Thanks for coming. bye-bye. 306 00:11:12,300 --> 00:11:14,234 [cheery music] 307 00:11:17,534 --> 00:11:19,734 [playing faster] 308 00:11:23,067 --> 00:11:24,267 [sighs] 309 00:11:23,334 --> 00:11:25,100 - and then she yelled, "screw you," 310 00:11:25,167 --> 00:11:27,167 Or, "screw education," or something like that, 311 00:11:27,234 --> 00:11:28,601 And then she stormed out of the room 312 00:11:28,667 --> 00:11:30,734 In her high-heel boots like it was tampon time... 313 00:11:30,801 --> 00:11:32,334 If you know what i mean. 314 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:34,067 - objection. i don't know what he means. 315 00:11:34,133 --> 00:11:35,801 - please don't encourage him, winger. 316 00:11:35,868 --> 00:11:37,667 Do you have any more questions? 317 00:11:37,734 --> 00:11:39,200 - the defense calls britta perry. 318 00:11:39,267 --> 00:11:41,734 - now, are those the high-heel boots 319 00:11:41,801 --> 00:11:43,200 He was talking about? - yes. 320 00:11:43,267 --> 00:11:44,434 - are they comfortable? - yeah. 321 00:11:44,501 --> 00:11:45,767 - i'm just curious. they're cute. 322 00:11:45,834 --> 00:11:47,234 - thank you. - miss perry... 323 00:11:47,300 --> 00:11:48,934 Did you make that crib sheet? 324 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:50,601 - no. 325 00:11:50,667 --> 00:11:52,133 - she confessed! 326 00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:54,100 - she confessed to protect her classmates, 327 00:11:54,167 --> 00:11:57,534 Because you were threatening to flunk everyone! 328 00:11:57,601 --> 00:11:58,968 - you did what? 329 00:11:59,033 --> 00:12:02,167 - oh, shut your pompous vortex of overlapping fangs! 330 00:12:02,234 --> 00:12:04,133 - hey, british dentistry is not on trial. 331 00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:05,801 - dean pelton, i move this case 332 00:12:05,868 --> 00:12:07,300 Be thrown out of... 333 00:12:07,367 --> 00:12:08,400 The pool area! 334 00:12:08,467 --> 00:12:09,434 - well, it certainly-- 335 00:12:09,501 --> 00:12:10,767 [sloshing] 336 00:12:14,100 --> 00:12:15,567 Well, it certainly sounds to me 337 00:12:15,634 --> 00:12:17,601 That this young lady's only crime 338 00:12:17,667 --> 00:12:19,934 Is being a hero and wanting to be taller. 339 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:21,167 This tribunal is adjourned. 340 00:12:21,234 --> 00:12:22,701 - wait! i cheated! - and we're back. 341 00:12:22,767 --> 00:12:25,300 - objection. my client did not cheat. 342 00:12:25,367 --> 00:12:26,467 - yes, i did. 343 00:12:26,534 --> 00:12:29,300 - yes, she did... 344 00:12:29,367 --> 00:12:31,067 But why? 345 00:12:31,133 --> 00:12:33,501 That's the real question, isn't it? 346 00:12:37,901 --> 00:12:39,801 The world wasn't the only thing that changed 347 00:12:39,868 --> 00:12:40,868 On september 11th. 348 00:12:40,934 --> 00:12:42,067 - oh, come on. 349 00:12:42,133 --> 00:12:43,167 - five-minute recess? 350 00:12:43,234 --> 00:12:44,767 - no, no. there's nothing 351 00:12:44,834 --> 00:12:46,434 In the bylaws about recesses, all right? 352 00:12:46,501 --> 00:12:48,434 The wheels of justice here don't stop 353 00:12:48,501 --> 00:12:50,067 Just because you--aah! 354 00:12:50,133 --> 00:12:51,634 Time out! time out! 355 00:12:51,701 --> 00:12:53,434 Save the table! save the table! 356 00:12:53,501 --> 00:12:56,234 - [high-pitched warble] 357 00:12:56,300 --> 00:12:57,601 Beginning transmission. 358 00:12:57,667 --> 00:12:59,434 The primary purpose seems to be male bonding, 359 00:12:59,501 --> 00:13:00,901 And the attitude during conveyance 360 00:13:00,968 --> 00:13:03,334 Of the random deceit is apparently of great importance. 361 00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:05,801 The humanoid is approximately 5'10" in height. 362 00:13:05,868 --> 00:13:07,267 - what are you doing? 363 00:13:07,334 --> 00:13:09,100 - oh, hey. troy. 364 00:13:09,167 --> 00:13:10,434 I didn't see you. 365 00:13:10,501 --> 00:13:12,234 Um, how long were you standing there? 366 00:13:12,300 --> 00:13:14,834 - you trying to mess with me? 367 00:13:14,901 --> 00:13:15,801 - yes, that's what i was doing. 368 00:13:15,868 --> 00:13:17,334 You got me. 369 00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:19,734 I was just messing with you, but i guess i blew it again. 370 00:13:19,801 --> 00:13:21,601 - yeah. 371 00:13:21,667 --> 00:13:23,167 You did. 372 00:13:26,901 --> 00:13:28,701 - [warbling] 373 00:13:32,334 --> 00:13:34,167 - man, don't turn your back on me. 374 00:13:34,234 --> 00:13:35,501 - it is on like donkey kong! 375 00:13:35,567 --> 00:13:37,901 Have you got a problem with me? 376 00:13:37,968 --> 00:13:39,667 - i don't like the fact that you're walking around here 377 00:13:39,734 --> 00:13:42,033 Like you're better than me in front of my students. 378 00:13:42,100 --> 00:13:43,701 - i'm sorry. do you mind if we have this conversation 379 00:13:43,767 --> 00:13:45,634 In a room with less balls? 380 00:13:48,734 --> 00:13:52,300 You're very confident, i'll say that. 381 00:13:52,367 --> 00:13:54,167 - but you shouldn't be. 382 00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:55,567 - what are you doing out there? 383 00:13:55,634 --> 00:13:57,667 - you know i have a problem with dishonesty. 384 00:13:57,734 --> 00:14:00,200 - you're on trial for cheating! 385 00:14:00,267 --> 00:14:02,234 Fa--look, we'll be fine. 386 00:14:02,300 --> 00:14:03,934 I just have to go back out there 387 00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:05,834 And make the case that you're a good person-- 388 00:14:05,901 --> 00:14:07,267 - you don't know that. 389 00:14:07,334 --> 00:14:08,501 You're just doing all of this 390 00:14:08,567 --> 00:14:09,534 'cause you want to sleep with me 391 00:14:09,601 --> 00:14:10,701 I mean, you said it yourself. 392 00:14:10,767 --> 00:14:12,200 You don't even want to be my friend. 393 00:14:12,267 --> 00:14:13,634 - wait a minute. 394 00:14:13,701 --> 00:14:15,701 Wait, is that what you thought i meant? 395 00:14:15,767 --> 00:14:17,267 Britta, look at me. 396 00:14:17,334 --> 00:14:18,400 Look at me! - i am. 397 00:14:18,467 --> 00:14:20,501 - no, look how handsome my face is. 398 00:14:20,567 --> 00:14:22,400 If all i wanted was sex, 399 00:14:22,467 --> 00:14:23,701 I could get it from plenty of women 400 00:14:23,767 --> 00:14:25,667 Without having to go through all this crap. 401 00:14:25,734 --> 00:14:27,534 I'm here because i like you, 402 00:14:27,601 --> 00:14:30,601 And i--i'd be psyched to be your friend. 403 00:14:30,667 --> 00:14:32,234 I just didn't want to take sex off the table 404 00:14:32,300 --> 00:14:34,367 Without doing my due diligence. 405 00:14:34,434 --> 00:14:35,834 - i actually believe you. 406 00:14:35,901 --> 00:14:37,834 - well, why wouldn't you? - i don't know. 407 00:14:37,901 --> 00:14:40,200 I guess...same reason that i cheated. 408 00:14:40,267 --> 00:14:44,000 I...just have more experience being worthless. 409 00:14:44,067 --> 00:14:45,901 I think i left that crib sheet on the floor 410 00:14:45,968 --> 00:14:47,334 Because i wanted to get caught. 411 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,000 I'm so used to screwing everything up 412 00:14:49,067 --> 00:14:50,767 I just wanted to get it over with. 413 00:14:50,834 --> 00:14:54,434 - wait. i think we have our defense. 414 00:14:54,501 --> 00:14:56,267 Gentlemen... 415 00:14:56,334 --> 00:14:57,701 My client is insane. 416 00:14:57,767 --> 00:14:59,667 - what? [judges muttering] 417 00:15:07,384 --> 00:15:08,717 - gentlemen, i'm sure you suspected... 418 00:15:08,783 --> 00:15:11,518 That ms. perry was pretty odd before the recess. 419 00:15:11,584 --> 00:15:13,750 But if you could've heard all the stuff 420 00:15:13,817 --> 00:15:15,284 She just told me in the shower, 421 00:15:15,351 --> 00:15:17,783 You would realize she is all the way out 422 00:15:17,850 --> 00:15:19,917 Of her entire damn mind. 423 00:15:19,984 --> 00:15:21,783 She doesn't want to succeed 424 00:15:21,850 --> 00:15:23,817 Because she doesn't think she can. 425 00:15:23,884 --> 00:15:27,317 So she goes out of her way to fail. 426 00:15:27,384 --> 00:15:28,683 That's crazy! 427 00:15:28,750 --> 00:15:30,683 But... 428 00:15:30,750 --> 00:15:32,417 Do we really want to make it a crime 429 00:15:32,484 --> 00:15:34,317 To be crazy at greendale? 430 00:15:34,384 --> 00:15:35,817 I mean, look at us. 431 00:15:35,884 --> 00:15:38,950 I mean, you two are arguing about status at a college 432 00:15:39,017 --> 00:15:40,850 That correspondence schools make fun of. 433 00:15:40,917 --> 00:15:44,618 Dean, you want so bad for this place to be ivy league 434 00:15:44,683 --> 00:15:47,884 That you are putting us at risk of electrocution. 435 00:15:47,950 --> 00:15:50,850 Everyone on this campus is nuts. 436 00:15:50,917 --> 00:15:53,317 - not me! - oh, come on, leonard. 437 00:15:53,384 --> 00:15:55,551 If you're gonna argue with me, put on a bathing suit. 438 00:15:55,618 --> 00:15:57,950 - busted. [chuckles] 439 00:15:58,017 --> 00:16:01,518 - if you want to rehabilitate your fellow inmate, 440 00:16:01,584 --> 00:16:04,551 you need to sentence her to staying here with us. 441 00:16:04,618 --> 00:16:07,484 Because if crazy people can't be at greendale, 442 00:16:07,551 --> 00:16:09,717 Where are we supposed to go? 443 00:16:09,783 --> 00:16:15,117 [chang sniffles] 444 00:16:15,184 --> 00:16:16,683 I'll recommend that the accused 445 00:16:16,750 --> 00:16:18,650 Be fully exonerated. 446 00:16:18,717 --> 00:16:20,217 On the condition that she receives 447 00:16:20,284 --> 00:16:21,850 Psychological counseling on a weekly basis 448 00:16:21,917 --> 00:16:23,850 From a trained mental health professional. 449 00:16:23,917 --> 00:16:26,084 Thinking maybe fridays, nine-ish, something like that. 450 00:16:26,151 --> 00:16:27,650 All in favor say "aye." both: aye. 451 00:16:27,717 --> 00:16:29,284 - yes! - wait, what? 452 00:16:29,351 --> 00:16:31,750 [duncan bangs gavel] - that just happened. 453 00:16:35,584 --> 00:16:38,451 [electronic whirring] 454 00:16:41,683 --> 00:16:45,151 [abed ululating] 455 00:16:47,817 --> 00:16:49,050 - greetings, abed. 456 00:16:49,117 --> 00:16:50,518 - greetings, commander. 457 00:16:50,584 --> 00:16:53,618 - t-t-tell me about the one they call troy. 458 00:16:53,683 --> 00:16:55,317 - well, he is rather arrogant 459 00:16:55,384 --> 00:16:57,117 And has no mercy for weaker beings. 460 00:16:57,184 --> 00:16:59,084 - stop. stop doing this right now. 461 00:16:59,151 --> 00:17:00,384 - whoa, whoa, whoa. 462 00:17:00,451 --> 00:17:02,184 I'm not an alien. [laughs] 463 00:17:02,251 --> 00:17:03,917 - i never thought you were. 464 00:17:03,984 --> 00:17:05,850 But this is insane, okay? 465 00:17:05,917 --> 00:17:08,484 Those are credible alien hand movements. 466 00:17:08,551 --> 00:17:09,783 You invented a whole language. 467 00:17:09,850 --> 00:17:11,384 I'm pretty sure you rented a green screen. 468 00:17:11,451 --> 00:17:12,783 - yeah. 469 00:17:12,850 --> 00:17:13,984 - it would be less creepy 470 00:17:14,050 --> 00:17:15,451 If you were actually an alien. 471 00:17:15,518 --> 00:17:16,650 - this is what friends do. 472 00:17:16,717 --> 00:17:20,017 - no. 473 00:17:20,084 --> 00:17:22,484 From now on, abed, 474 00:17:22,551 --> 00:17:24,384 friends don't mess with each other. 475 00:17:24,451 --> 00:17:25,750 [abed laughing on video] 476 00:17:25,817 --> 00:17:27,151 - okay? - cool. 477 00:17:27,217 --> 00:17:28,317 - cool? - cool. bam bam! 478 00:17:28,384 --> 00:17:30,683 - [ululating] 479 00:17:30,750 --> 00:17:32,117 - garrett, it's over. he knows. 480 00:17:32,184 --> 00:17:33,417 - we will stick things in his butt. 481 00:17:33,484 --> 00:17:34,850 - [ululating softly] 482 00:17:34,917 --> 00:17:36,451 - you're getting a little sloppy. 483 00:17:36,518 --> 00:17:37,850 - we went over-budget. - mm. 484 00:17:41,717 --> 00:17:43,050 - [snorts] 485 00:17:48,050 --> 00:17:51,151 I've got it. 486 00:17:51,217 --> 00:17:52,618 [playing twinkle twinkle little star melody] 487 00:17:52,683 --> 00:17:57,518 ♪ greendale, greendale little star-- ♪ 488 00:17:57,584 --> 00:17:58,917 Oh! 489 00:17:58,984 --> 00:18:01,551 [sobbing] 490 00:18:09,151 --> 00:18:10,584 I'm a fraud, annie. 491 00:18:10,650 --> 00:18:14,184 I'm no more of a songwriter than you or billy joel. 492 00:18:14,251 --> 00:18:16,551 - but what about the hawthorne wipes jingle? 493 00:18:16,618 --> 00:18:19,084 - oh, yeah, yeah, sure, the haw-- 494 00:18:19,151 --> 00:18:20,850 You want to hear it? here. 495 00:18:20,917 --> 00:18:22,518 [playing she'll be coming around the mountain melody] 496 00:18:22,584 --> 00:18:24,184 ♪ you'll be wiping off that ketchup ♪ 497 00:18:24,251 --> 00:18:26,184 ♪ with our wipes, hawthorne wipes! ♪ 498 00:18:26,251 --> 00:18:28,317 ♪ you'll be wiping off that mustard ♪ 499 00:18:28,384 --> 00:18:30,650 ♪ with our wipes at the picnic! ♪ 500 00:18:30,717 --> 00:18:32,817 - that's she'll be coming around the mountain. 501 00:18:32,884 --> 00:18:34,884 - i know! i steal everything. 502 00:18:34,950 --> 00:18:36,984 You backed the wrong horse. i got nothing. 503 00:18:37,050 --> 00:18:40,151 - pierce, you're musical. you're creative. 504 00:18:40,217 --> 00:18:42,251 You can do this. i believe in you. 505 00:18:42,317 --> 00:18:43,884 - well, you shouldn't. i quit. 506 00:18:43,950 --> 00:18:46,783 - you listen up, pierce! 507 00:18:46,850 --> 00:18:48,117 I'm gonna tell you what my mother told me 508 00:18:48,184 --> 00:18:50,451 When i wanted to quit cheerleading. 509 00:18:50,518 --> 00:18:53,284 You're not very pretty, you have no boobs, 510 00:18:53,351 --> 00:18:55,217 And you can't do a basket toss to save your life, 511 00:18:55,284 --> 00:18:57,417 But you made a commitment. 512 00:18:57,484 --> 00:18:59,284 So pick up your pompoms, pierce, 513 00:18:59,351 --> 00:19:01,950 Stuff your bra, and get ready for the team bus 514 00:19:02,017 --> 00:19:05,017 To forget you at a taco bell, because life is tough. 515 00:19:05,084 --> 00:19:06,551 But we soldier on, 516 00:19:06,618 --> 00:19:09,284 And that's just the way it goes. 517 00:19:11,917 --> 00:19:14,750 - gonna play myself out. 518 00:19:17,317 --> 00:19:19,251 - the way it goes. 519 00:19:19,317 --> 00:19:21,284 That's it. 520 00:19:21,351 --> 00:19:25,551 One, two, luis guzman! oh! 521 00:19:25,618 --> 00:19:28,117 [applause] oh, oh! 522 00:19:28,184 --> 00:19:30,117 You know, greendale may never be... 523 00:19:30,184 --> 00:19:31,618 - just don't talk to me for a while. 524 00:19:31,683 --> 00:19:33,384 - no problem. just glad you're here. 525 00:19:33,451 --> 00:19:36,251 - i'd like to introduce our student, pierce hawthorne, 526 00:19:36,317 --> 00:19:39,584 Who's written greendale its own school song. 527 00:19:39,650 --> 00:19:41,451 Pierce, okay. 528 00:19:41,518 --> 00:19:43,417 - thank you, dean, thank you. 529 00:19:43,484 --> 00:19:44,618 This song goes out to annie. 530 00:19:44,683 --> 00:19:46,317 - oh. 531 00:19:46,384 --> 00:19:48,284 - for believing in me. 532 00:19:48,351 --> 00:19:52,384 [pierce playing the way it is melody] 533 00:19:52,451 --> 00:19:54,750 ♪ standing in the bookstore line ♪ 534 00:19:54,817 --> 00:19:57,717 ♪ waiting for the bell to chime ♪ 535 00:19:57,783 --> 00:20:01,850 ♪ so you can go to class ♪ 536 00:20:01,917 --> 00:20:03,850 ♪ dancing in your underwear ♪ 537 00:20:03,917 --> 00:20:05,618 ♪ taking air conditioner repair ♪ 538 00:20:05,683 --> 00:20:07,050 - is this bruce hornsby? - yep. 539 00:20:07,117 --> 00:20:08,317 - does he know he stole it? 540 00:20:08,384 --> 00:20:09,817 - i don't think so. let him enjoy it. 541 00:20:09,884 --> 00:20:11,417 - can we get sued? - not sure. 542 00:20:13,317 --> 00:20:15,217 - * greendale's the way it goes * 543 00:20:15,284 --> 00:20:16,950 - yeah, they got us. 544 00:20:17,017 --> 00:20:22,284 - * some things are still the same * 545 00:20:22,351 --> 00:20:25,451 ♪ slop pails and pantyhose ♪ 546 00:20:25,518 --> 00:20:29,618 ♪ oh, annie believes in me ♪ 547 00:20:32,551 --> 00:20:38,184 ync by honeybunny Resync by Pippo Inzaghi