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00:00:02,068 --> 00:00:03,968
Good morning,
Greendale Community College.
2
00:00:04,170 --> 00:00:05,535
This is your dean
3
00:00:05,739 --> 00:00:09,038
reminding you that among
your school's prestigious alumni
4
00:00:09,242 --> 00:00:10,937
is Mr. Luis Guzmán.
5
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Celebrated actor
and model Puerto Rican-American.
6
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This Friday, we will be dedicating
a statue of Guzmán,
7
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and unveiling
our brand-new school song.
8
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So, boy, I don't know about you,
9
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but this sure feels like
a real college to me.
10
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Greendale, Greendale, Greendale.
11
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Ah. Jeff, Jeff, good morning.
12
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How is student life,
my dry-witted friend?
13
00:00:37,804 --> 00:00:40,637
Probably the same as teacher life, but
less tragic because I get to leave.
14
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Very dry, very witty,
not a great friend.
15
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Listen, I wanted to ask you about that
young lady in your Spanish class.
16
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You know, the blond with the pouty,
strident Cate Blanchett sexuality
17
00:00:51,418 --> 00:00:52,680
and the ridiculous name.
18
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Britta.
That's it. That's it.
19
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Imagine living with that.
Can you imagine? Unbelievable.
20
00:00:59,292 --> 00:01:01,055
Anyway, um,
are you two an item?
21
00:01:01,261 --> 00:01:04,355
And if so, would that item
be impervious to sabotage?
22
00:01:04,564 --> 00:01:07,158
You know, you have the
savoir-faire of a hyena.
23
00:01:07,367 --> 00:01:10,131
How is it that you and James Bond
come from the same island?
24
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Message received. I'll just wait for
you to finish striking out first.
25
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Cheers.
M* A*S*H.
26
00:01:14,974 --> 00:01:17,033
Fawlty Towers, game over.
Have a nice day.
27
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You think Luis Guzmán
will come to visit his statue?
28
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If so, I'd like to ask him about
his movie choices.
29
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Particularly Carlito's Way,
The Cowboy Way,
30
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The Hard Way and Q&A.
31
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Yeah. Luis Guzmán
is on a private jet from Hollywood
32
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because he can't wait to have
that conversation with you.
33
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Really?
How does he know about me?
34
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Because he called me
on my cell phone.
35
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Why would a movie actor call you?
36
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You don't know?
No.
37
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I'm President Obama's nephew.
You never mentioned that.
38
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I didn't know if I could trust you, but
now it's time to tell you everything.
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00:01:49,742 --> 00:01:51,573
Starting with me inventing
the Ferrari.
40
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So I guess the cell phone number
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00:01:54,681 --> 00:01:56,911
you put on the group's
contact sheet was fake.
42
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Which I just learned in the conclusion
of a month-long text-message affair
43
00:02:00,854 --> 00:02:02,754
with a dude from Boulder.
Sorry.
44
00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:04,821
That's okay.
Just give me your real number.
45
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I'll cleanse my palate
while Kevin rethinks his marriage.
46
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I'll give you my number if you promise not to
use it in any other context than friendship.
47
00:02:11,631 --> 00:02:12,859
Uh... Pass.
48
00:02:15,902 --> 00:02:18,928
Star-Burns, that means you.
My name's Alex, dude.
49
00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:22,506
Maybe you should spend five hours
sculpting that in your face.
50
00:02:22,709 --> 00:02:25,041
All right,
last night I graded your tests.
51
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I'm sure you wanna know
how you did, right?
52
00:02:26,679 --> 00:02:28,772
Yes.
Well, I'm not gonna tell you
53
00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:32,349
until I find out who did this:
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00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:35,181
What is that?
55
00:02:36,789 --> 00:02:39,087
It's a tiny piece of paper, okay?
That's all it is.
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00:02:39,292 --> 00:02:44,229
A tiny piece of paper containing all
the information covered on the test.
57
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Otherwise known as a crib sheet.
58
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Who did it, huh? Mary Ann?
59
00:02:51,771 --> 00:02:53,636
Grandpa?
60
00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,240
Jackée? Kumar?
61
00:02:56,442 --> 00:02:58,740
There's one Asian stereotype
that does apply to me.
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Whoever did this insulted my honor.
63
00:03:01,447 --> 00:03:04,382
And they've got 24 hours
to come forward
64
00:03:04,584 --> 00:03:08,145
or Mr. Miyagi here
will wax off everyone's score
65
00:03:08,388 --> 00:03:11,880
and the whole class gets a zero.
66
00:03:13,826 --> 00:03:15,726
Except you, Toby.
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00:03:22,669 --> 00:03:25,035
The only difference
between Señor Chang and Stalin
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00:03:25,238 --> 00:03:27,263
is that I know who Señor Chang is.
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00:03:27,473 --> 00:03:30,135
You hear him call me Jackée like
I'm some black female caricature?
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00:03:30,343 --> 00:03:32,834
If the good Lord hadn't been watching,
I'd have slapped him upside the head.
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00:03:33,246 --> 00:03:35,077
Who do you guys think cheated?
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00:03:37,016 --> 00:03:40,213
Flattering, but if I'm gonna cheat,
I'm not gonna write information
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from a book onto paper.
That's practically learning, for God's sake.
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00:03:43,323 --> 00:03:46,258
Whoever made that crib sheet
wasn't a real cheater,
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just insecure and naive.
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00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:50,886
I may be naive, but I'm not stupid.
77
00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:54,934
Well, I may be stupid,
but I'm not trying to look like I'm not.
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00:03:56,436 --> 00:03:58,768
Well, I may be a genius,
but I'm not a lesbian.
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00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:01,298
Who cares who
made the crib sheet?
80
00:04:01,507 --> 00:04:04,738
The only real cheater is the guy who's
threatening everyone with a zero.
81
00:04:04,944 --> 00:04:08,175
You're right. It's so unfair.
I can't handle this kind of stress right now.
82
00:04:08,381 --> 00:04:11,145
I'm already overwhelmed by my
duties on the school song committee.
83
00:04:11,351 --> 00:04:13,478
Are you a musician?
Ew. No.
84
00:04:13,686 --> 00:04:16,314
I hired a local composer,
but he's quite a handful.
85
00:04:16,522 --> 00:04:17,955
Well, I guess that's your fault,
isn't it?
86
00:04:18,858 --> 00:04:20,883
It is?
You got an accomplished pianist
87
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:23,028
and songwriter sitting
three feet away from you.
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00:04:23,229 --> 00:04:25,629
I wrote the jingle
for Hawthorne Wipes towelettes.
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00:04:25,832 --> 00:04:28,494
I would've done your song for free.
Smooth move, Metamucil.
90
00:04:28,701 --> 00:04:30,965
Troy could do the school song.
Troy invented rap music.
91
00:04:31,170 --> 00:04:33,229
And he's related to Danny Glover
and President Obama.
92
00:04:33,439 --> 00:04:35,202
Abed, have you been racist
this whole time
93
00:04:35,408 --> 00:04:38,673
while I'm telling everybody at church what
a sweet little caramel angel you are?
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00:04:38,878 --> 00:04:40,072
Hey man,
that stuff I said this morning
95
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:41,941
wasn't true.
I was just messing with you.
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00:04:42,148 --> 00:04:43,740
You were lying?
Yeah, as a joke.
97
00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:45,918
You... You never had somebody
mess with you before?
98
00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:48,246
Yes, just kidding. No, like that?
99
00:04:51,057 --> 00:04:54,584
This isn't a table. Ha-ha-ha.
That's funny.
100
00:04:55,561 --> 00:04:57,290
Remember when we used
to study Spanish?
101
00:05:00,967 --> 00:05:01,956
Pierce.
Yo.
102
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I talked to the dean and he said you
can write Greendale's school song.
103
00:05:05,605 --> 00:05:06,799
Well, that's more like it.
104
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You know, the statue dedication is
this Friday, so have it done by then.
105
00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:12,540
This Friday? This Friday?
If that's not enough time...
106
00:05:12,745 --> 00:05:15,475
No, no, no. You really don't know
much about genius, do you?
107
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Yes, I can do it by Friday.
Great.
108
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There's a piano
in the rehearsal space
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and I'll help you out
however I can.
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You're gonna do an awesome job.
I know!
111
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So this is the last chance
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for the cheater to be an adult
and face la música
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00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:35,358
or everyone fails.
No.
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You've got 10 seconds, starting now.
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No!
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I've never gotten a zero before.
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I did it.
Britta?
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Wow. You really took your
sweet time with that one.
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How dare you terrorize a class
by threatening their grades?
120
00:06:00,693 --> 00:06:03,457
It's not that easy to get human beings
to turn on each other.
121
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Turn on her.
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00:06:08,501 --> 00:06:10,401
Real mature.
God, Britta.
123
00:06:10,603 --> 00:06:13,436
That's right, we are mature.
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Too mature to sit in a class
with a cheating, lying, poop face.
125
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Okay, time to learn
some formal greetings.
126
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So, wow.
Yeah, I bet you're enjoying this.
127
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Yeah, well, when we first met, like,
you were up here and I was here.
128
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And now...
129
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Oh, wait, I gave a quarter
to a dirty bum today.
130
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What do you think
they're gonna do to me?
131
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Well, we're not gonna buy you
an ice cream.
132
00:06:45,705 --> 00:06:47,172
Hi, Dean Pelton. Heh.
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Quite an entrance
I got to make there.
134
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You would be Britta Perry?
I just spoke with Señor Chang.
135
00:06:53,012 --> 00:06:56,140
And I'm afraid Greendale takes
this kind of thing very seriously.
136
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Much like a university would.
137
00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:04,280
Your case will be reviewed
by disciplinary tribunal tomorrow
138
00:07:04,490 --> 00:07:05,479
in Borchart Hall.
139
00:07:05,691 --> 00:07:07,556
You could be facing expulsion.
140
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:09,057
Isn't Borchart Hall the pool?
141
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:11,253
There is an Olympic-sized
pool there, yes.
142
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But we will be next to it,
using its $6000 judge's table.
143
00:07:15,802 --> 00:07:17,497
Uh, is she allowed
to have counsel?
144
00:07:17,703 --> 00:07:19,500
I mean, I may not be
a practicing lawyer anymore,
145
00:07:19,705 --> 00:07:22,173
but relative to this place,
I'm Alan Dershowitz.
146
00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:25,037
Oh. Okay, ouch.
And, yes, if you'd like,
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00:07:25,244 --> 00:07:27,109
you may represent her.
Dean you later.
148
00:07:27,313 --> 00:07:31,409
I'm not gonna sit while some hokey
tribunal gets its jollies judging me.
149
00:07:31,617 --> 00:07:35,951
Hey, if you show up with me, follow my
lead, and deny everything, you'll walk.
150
00:07:36,155 --> 00:07:38,316
That's the Winger guarantee.
I get it.
151
00:07:38,524 --> 00:07:40,958
You think you're gonna save my
bacon using your lawyer powers
152
00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:43,287
and send me into fits
of grateful arousal.
153
00:07:43,496 --> 00:07:46,226
I can neither confirm nor deny that.
154
00:07:46,432 --> 00:07:47,922
See how good I am?
155
00:07:49,936 --> 00:07:51,460
Hey, Troy, did you hear?
156
00:07:52,738 --> 00:07:56,606
All dogs are blue now.
Every single dog in the world is blue.
157
00:07:59,912 --> 00:08:01,277
I'm just messing with you.
Yeah. I know.
158
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:03,949
But let me explain to you
a few things about how this works.
159
00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:06,846
Okay.
First of all, I cannot be got.
160
00:08:07,053 --> 00:08:08,918
Mm-hm.
Because I am not gullible like you.
161
00:08:09,121 --> 00:08:11,351
Secondly,
you are not good at this,
162
00:08:11,557 --> 00:08:14,424
because you are not believable
in your face, okay?
163
00:08:14,627 --> 00:08:15,616
Your face?
Yeah?
164
00:08:15,828 --> 00:08:16,886
It's bad. Um...
Okay.
165
00:08:17,096 --> 00:08:20,998
Also, you gotta ride the line
between believable and...
166
00:08:22,368 --> 00:08:25,064
What are you writing in?
It's a notepad.
167
00:08:25,271 --> 00:08:28,138
Yeah, but what... What language?
It's probably Arabic.
168
00:08:37,383 --> 00:08:40,147
All right, uh, I am convening
this disciplinary tribunal
169
00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:42,878
at our state-of-the-art judge's table.
170
00:08:43,089 --> 00:08:44,920
Which has it's own built-in
sound system.
171
00:08:45,124 --> 00:08:46,989
So take that, Yale. Heh-heh.
172
00:08:47,193 --> 00:08:50,356
Our judges include, uh, myself,
uh, Dean Craig Pelton.
173
00:08:50,563 --> 00:08:52,053
Professor lan Duncan.
174
00:08:52,265 --> 00:08:54,096
Professor Ben Chang.
175
00:08:54,300 --> 00:08:56,359
Uh, no, you're a teacher,
you're not a professor.
176
00:08:56,569 --> 00:08:58,764
Well, maybe because
I don't look like Ron Weasley.
177
00:08:58,971 --> 00:09:01,405
That's the difference,
that's the qualifying factor.
178
00:09:01,607 --> 00:09:02,699
Gentlemen, point of order.
179
00:09:02,909 --> 00:09:04,740
How can Señor Chang
be one of the judges?
180
00:09:04,944 --> 00:09:06,411
He's the one accusing my client.
181
00:09:06,612 --> 00:09:09,376
You got Prince Charles over here
as your drinking buddy.
182
00:09:09,582 --> 00:09:11,243
Oh, got me.
183
00:09:11,450 --> 00:09:13,884
Well, it sounds like there are
two biases, one on each side.
184
00:09:14,086 --> 00:09:16,281
And I go both ways.
Oh, let's strike that.
185
00:09:16,489 --> 00:09:18,787
LaShonda,
can we please strike that?
186
00:09:19,592 --> 00:09:23,858
I am impartial, so it should all work out.
Okay, let's begin.
187
00:09:24,063 --> 00:09:27,191
Fine. Uh, the tribunal calls
teacher Chang.
188
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,425
Okay, just keep it up, FrostlNixon.
189
00:09:29,635 --> 00:09:31,933
I was planning on doing that.
Cleared my whole day.
190
00:09:32,138 --> 00:09:36,802
Uh, Mr. Chang, could you remind us
of the events of yesterday?
191
00:09:37,009 --> 00:09:41,878
Oh, with great pleasure.
It was a Tuesday, uh, crack of dawn, 5:58 a.m.
192
00:09:42,081 --> 00:09:44,015
I got up, I took my morning deuce.
193
00:09:44,216 --> 00:09:45,683
I made a breakfast consisting of...
194
00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:51,746
♪ Greendale, Greendale ♪
195
00:09:51,958 --> 00:09:53,926
♪ Slop pail... ♪
196
00:09:54,126 --> 00:09:56,959
Oh, man. Green, green, green.
197
00:09:57,163 --> 00:10:00,963
♪ Greendale isn't a slop pail ♪♪
198
00:10:02,902 --> 00:10:05,393
Hi. I'm almost done.
Oh, good.
199
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:07,163
You can tell the dean
you will have a song
200
00:10:07,373 --> 00:10:08,601
that'll make the devil
poop God's pants.
201
00:10:09,108 --> 00:10:12,908
That's exciting.
Mind if I hear what you got so far?
202
00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,277
Well, yeah, sure, I, uh...
203
00:10:15,481 --> 00:10:18,507
I'll probably open
with something like this. Uh...
204
00:10:20,386 --> 00:10:24,288
You know, a note like that.
And end with a note like that.
205
00:10:24,490 --> 00:10:29,393
The words, I can't tell you.
You know, the rest is really a surprise.
206
00:10:29,595 --> 00:10:32,428
I'm just a little worried.
I keep hearing the same two notes.
207
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:36,124
And your sheet music looks like
a Chinese takeout menu.
208
00:10:36,335 --> 00:10:39,463
A musician sees music
in everything, Annie.
209
00:10:39,672 --> 00:10:41,162
I mean, it could be...
210
00:10:41,907 --> 00:10:44,000
♪ Moo shu pork ♪
211
00:10:44,210 --> 00:10:46,303
♪ Squab with lettuce ♪♪
212
00:10:46,512 --> 00:10:48,207
You see?
I mean, it just comes out.
213
00:10:48,414 --> 00:10:50,143
You really shouldn't be here
right now.
214
00:10:50,349 --> 00:10:52,283
What?
You are inside a throbbing,
215
00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:55,477
cosmic womb of creativity.
216
00:10:55,688 --> 00:10:57,553
And when this baby starts kicking,
217
00:10:57,757 --> 00:11:00,920
I cannot be responsible
for your sanity. Ha.
218
00:11:01,127 --> 00:11:03,960
I know it sounds funny,
but let me play you out, okay?
219
00:11:07,233 --> 00:11:10,430
Playing you out now, this song.
You know, like on stage? Playing you out, okay?
220
00:11:10,636 --> 00:11:12,536
Thanks for coming. Bye-bye.
221
00:11:24,717 --> 00:11:26,048
Then she yelled, "Screw you."
222
00:11:26,252 --> 00:11:28,186
Or, "Screw education."
Or something like that.
223
00:11:28,387 --> 00:11:32,050
Then she stormed out of the room in her
high-heel boots like it was tampon time.
224
00:11:32,258 --> 00:11:33,316
If you know what I mean.
225
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:35,357
Objection.
I don't know what he means.
226
00:11:35,561 --> 00:11:36,789
Please don't encourage him.
227
00:11:36,996 --> 00:11:40,432
Do you have any more questions?
The defense calls Britta Perry.
228
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:43,999
Now are those the high-heel boots
he was talking about?
229
00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:45,192
Yes.
Are they comfortable?
230
00:11:45,404 --> 00:11:47,133
Yeah.
I'm just curious. They're cute.
231
00:11:47,339 --> 00:11:50,240
Miss Perry,
did you make that crib sheet?
232
00:11:51,110 --> 00:11:52,668
No.
She confessed.
233
00:11:52,878 --> 00:11:55,073
She confessed
to protect her classmates
234
00:11:55,281 --> 00:11:58,876
because you were threatening
to flunk everyone.
235
00:11:59,085 --> 00:12:01,849
You did what?
Oh. Shut your pompous vortex
236
00:12:02,054 --> 00:12:03,385
of overlapping fangs.
237
00:12:03,589 --> 00:12:05,386
Hey, British dentistry is not on trial.
238
00:12:05,591 --> 00:12:09,755
Dean Pelton, I move this case
be thrown out of the pool area.
239
00:12:09,962 --> 00:12:11,554
Well, it certainly...
240
00:12:15,334 --> 00:12:18,428
Well, it certainly sounds to me
that this young lady's only crime
241
00:12:18,637 --> 00:12:20,867
is being a hero
and wanting to be taller.
242
00:12:21,073 --> 00:12:23,234
This tribunal is adjourned.
Wait, I cheated.
243
00:12:23,442 --> 00:12:24,966
And we're back.
Objection.
244
00:12:25,177 --> 00:12:27,771
My client did not cheat.
Yes, I did.
245
00:12:28,681 --> 00:12:30,615
Yes, she did.
246
00:12:30,816 --> 00:12:32,283
But why?
247
00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:34,953
That's the real question, isn't it?
248
00:12:39,024 --> 00:12:42,221
The world wasn't the only thing
that changed on September 11 th.
249
00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:44,487
Oh, Jeff, come on.
Five minute recess?
250
00:12:44,697 --> 00:12:47,598
No, no. There's nothing in the bylaws
about recesses, all right?
251
00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:51,065
The wheels of justice here
don't stop just because... Oh!
252
00:12:51,270 --> 00:12:54,762
I know, everyone, time out, time out.
Save the table, save the table.
253
00:12:57,543 --> 00:12:58,567
Beginning transmission.
254
00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:00,803
The primary purpose seems to be
male bonding.
255
00:13:01,013 --> 00:13:02,742
And the attitude during conveyance
of the random deceit
256
00:13:02,948 --> 00:13:04,381
is apparently of
great importance.
257
00:13:04,583 --> 00:13:06,983
The humanoid is approximately
5'10" in height...
258
00:13:07,186 --> 00:13:08,585
What are you doing?
259
00:13:09,188 --> 00:13:11,656
Oh, hey, Troy. I didn't see you.
260
00:13:11,857 --> 00:13:13,449
Uh... How long were you
standing there?
261
00:13:15,528 --> 00:13:16,586
You trying to mess with me?
Yes.
262
00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:18,127
That's what I was doing.
You got me.
263
00:13:18,330 --> 00:13:20,924
I was just messing with you, but I
guess I blew it again. Heh-heh.
264
00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:24,591
Yeah, you did.
265
00:13:33,712 --> 00:13:36,875
Don't turn your back on me,
thinking you're all hoity-toity.
266
00:13:37,082 --> 00:13:39,812
Have you got a problem with me?
I don't like the fact
267
00:13:40,019 --> 00:13:43,113
that you're walking around here, like you're
better than me, in front of my students.
268
00:13:43,322 --> 00:13:47,486
I'm sorry, do you mind if we have this
conversation in a room with less balls?
269
00:13:50,095 --> 00:13:53,496
You... You're very confident,
I'll say that.
270
00:13:53,933 --> 00:13:55,366
But you shouldn't be.
271
00:13:55,568 --> 00:13:56,796
What are you doing out there?
272
00:13:57,002 --> 00:13:58,367
You know I have a problem
with dishonesty.
273
00:13:58,571 --> 00:14:00,163
You're on trial for cheating.
274
00:14:01,707 --> 00:14:03,265
Fine. Look, we'll be fine.
275
00:14:03,475 --> 00:14:06,842
I just have go back out there and make
the case that you're a good person.
276
00:14:07,046 --> 00:14:08,035
You don't know that.
277
00:14:08,247 --> 00:14:10,681
You're just doing all this
because you wanna sleep with me.
278
00:14:10,883 --> 00:14:13,477
I mean you said it yourself, you
don't even wanna be my friend.
279
00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:16,621
Wait a minute, wait. Is that...
Is that what you thought I meant?
280
00:14:16,822 --> 00:14:18,517
Britta, look at me. Look at me.
281
00:14:18,724 --> 00:14:21,818
I am.
No, look how handsome my face is.
282
00:14:22,428 --> 00:14:26,728
If all I wanted was sex, I could get it from plenty
of women without having to go through all this crap.
283
00:14:26,932 --> 00:14:28,490
I'm here because I like you.
284
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:31,727
And I'd... I'd be psyched
to be your friend.
285
00:14:31,937 --> 00:14:35,771
I just didn't wanna take sex off the
table without doing my due diligence.
286
00:14:35,975 --> 00:14:37,909
I actually believe you.
Well, why wouldn't you?
287
00:14:38,110 --> 00:14:41,136
I don't know.
I guess the same reason that I cheated.
288
00:14:41,347 --> 00:14:45,078
I just have more experience
being worthless.
289
00:14:45,284 --> 00:14:48,981
I think I left that crib sheet on the floor
because I wanted to get caught at it.
290
00:14:49,188 --> 00:14:51,816
I'm so used to screwing everything up,
I just wanted to get it over with.
291
00:14:52,024 --> 00:14:54,288
Wait. I think we have our defense.
292
00:14:55,961 --> 00:14:58,953
Gentlemen, my client is insane.
293
00:14:59,164 --> 00:15:00,426
What?
294
00:15:07,006 --> 00:15:08,906
Gentlemen,
I'm sure you suspected
295
00:15:09,108 --> 00:15:11,770
that Miss Perry
was pretty odd before the recess.
296
00:15:11,977 --> 00:15:15,504
But if you could've heard all the stuff
she just told me in the shower,
297
00:15:15,714 --> 00:15:20,276
you would realize she is all the way
out of her entire damn mind.
298
00:15:20,486 --> 00:15:24,081
She doesn't want to succeed
because she doesn't think she can.
299
00:15:24,290 --> 00:15:27,817
So she goes out of her way to fail.
300
00:15:28,027 --> 00:15:29,085
That's crazy.
301
00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:34,529
But do we really wanna make it
a crime to be crazy at Greendale?
302
00:15:34,733 --> 00:15:35,722
I mean, look at us.
303
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:38,233
I mean, you two are arguing
about status
304
00:15:38,437 --> 00:15:41,133
at a college that
correspondence schools make fun of.
305
00:15:41,340 --> 00:15:44,776
Dean, you want so bad
for this place to be Ivy League
306
00:15:44,977 --> 00:15:47,639
that you are putting us at risk
of electrocution.
307
00:15:47,846 --> 00:15:50,713
Because everyone on this campus
is nuts.
308
00:15:50,916 --> 00:15:53,646
Not me.
Oh, come on, Leonard.
309
00:15:53,852 --> 00:15:55,820
If you're gonna argue with me,
put on a bathing suit.
310
00:15:56,021 --> 00:15:57,886
Busted. Ha-ha-ha.
311
00:15:59,058 --> 00:16:01,458
If you wanna rehabilitate
your fellow inmate,
312
00:16:01,660 --> 00:16:04,857
you need to sentence her
to staying here with us.
313
00:16:05,064 --> 00:16:07,828
Because if crazy people
can't be at Greendale,
314
00:16:08,033 --> 00:16:10,024
where are we supposed to go?
315
00:16:12,771 --> 00:16:15,239
Wow. Well,
under the circumstances,
316
00:16:15,441 --> 00:16:17,966
I recommend that the accused
be fully exonerated.
317
00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:21,272
On the condition that she
receives psychological counseling
318
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:23,710
on a weekly basis from a trained
mental health professional.
319
00:16:23,916 --> 00:16:26,441
I'm thinking maybe Fridays,
9-ish, something like that.
320
00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:28,017
All in favor say "aye."
Aye.
321
00:16:28,220 --> 00:16:29,619
Yes.
Wait. What?
322
00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:31,289
That just happened.
323
00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:45,129
Greetings, Abed.
324
00:16:48,374 --> 00:16:50,842
Greetings, Abed.
Greetings, commander.
325
00:16:51,043 --> 00:16:53,978
Tell me about
the one they call Troy.
326
00:16:54,179 --> 00:16:57,478
Well, he is rather arrogant
and has no mercy for weaker beings.
327
00:16:57,683 --> 00:16:59,514
Stop. Stop doing this right now.
328
00:16:59,718 --> 00:17:02,516
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm not an alien. Ha-ha.
329
00:17:02,721 --> 00:17:05,849
I never thought you were.
But this is insane, okay?
330
00:17:06,058 --> 00:17:08,458
Those are credible
alien hand movements.
331
00:17:08,660 --> 00:17:10,150
You invented a whole language.
332
00:17:10,362 --> 00:17:11,829
I'm pretty sure
you rented a green screen.
333
00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:13,896
Yeah.
It would be less creepy
334
00:17:14,099 --> 00:17:15,862
if you were actually an alien.
335
00:17:16,068 --> 00:17:19,333
But this is what friends do.
No. It...
336
00:17:20,406 --> 00:17:24,775
From now on, Abed,
friends don't mess with each other.
337
00:17:26,011 --> 00:17:28,206
Okay, cool?
Cool, cool. Bang-bang.
338
00:17:31,216 --> 00:17:33,081
Garrett, it's over. He knows.
339
00:17:35,854 --> 00:17:38,414
You're getting a little sloppy.
We went over budget.
340
00:17:48,767 --> 00:17:50,394
I've got it.
341
00:17:52,571 --> 00:17:57,372
♪ Greendale, Greendale, little star ♪
342
00:17:57,576 --> 00:17:58,804
Oh.
343
00:18:00,012 --> 00:18:02,105
I can't...
344
00:18:04,616 --> 00:18:06,049
Reject.
345
00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:10,949
I'm a fraud, Annie.
346
00:18:11,156 --> 00:18:14,489
I'm no more of a songwriter
than you or Billy Joel.
347
00:18:15,060 --> 00:18:16,925
But what about
the Hawthorne Wipes jingle?
348
00:18:17,129 --> 00:18:19,097
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Sure, the whole thing.
349
00:18:19,298 --> 00:18:20,697
You wanna hear it? Here.
350
00:18:22,301 --> 00:18:25,236
♪ You'll be wiping off that ketchup
With our wipes ♪
351
00:18:25,437 --> 00:18:26,426
♪ Hawthorne Wipes ♪
352
00:18:26,638 --> 00:18:29,266
♪ You'll be wiping off that mustard
With our wipes ♪
353
00:18:29,475 --> 00:18:30,908
♪ At the picnic ♪♪
354
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:32,737
That's "She'll be Comin'
Around the Mountain."
355
00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:36,142
I know. I steal everything.
You backed the wrong horse.
356
00:18:36,348 --> 00:18:39,374
I got nothing.
Pierce, you're musical.
357
00:18:39,585 --> 00:18:42,645
You're creative, you can do this.
I believe in you.
358
00:18:42,855 --> 00:18:44,846
Well, you shouldn't. I quit.
359
00:18:45,057 --> 00:18:46,786
You listen up, Pierce.
360
00:18:46,992 --> 00:18:50,792
I'm gonna tell you what my mother told
me when I wanted to quit cheerleading.
361
00:18:50,996 --> 00:18:53,226
"You're not very pretty,
you have no boobs,
362
00:18:53,432 --> 00:18:57,698
and you can't do a basket toss to save
your life, but you made a commitment."
363
00:18:57,903 --> 00:18:59,666
So pick up your pom-poms, Pierce.
364
00:18:59,872 --> 00:19:03,069
Stuff your bra, and get ready for the
team bus to forget you at a Taco Bell
365
00:19:03,275 --> 00:19:05,140
because life is tough.
366
00:19:05,344 --> 00:19:09,838
But we soldier on,
and that's just the way it goes.
367
00:19:12,784 --> 00:19:14,752
I'm gonna play myself out.
368
00:19:17,656 --> 00:19:19,419
"The way it goes."
369
00:19:19,625 --> 00:19:21,183
That's it.
370
00:19:21,927 --> 00:19:25,886
One, two, Luis Guzmán. Oh!
371
00:19:26,098 --> 00:19:28,430
Oh. Oh.
All right, Luis.
372
00:19:28,634 --> 00:19:30,192
You know, Greendale
may never be Harvard...
373
00:19:30,402 --> 00:19:33,462
Don't talk to me for a while.
No problem. Just glad you're here.
374
00:19:33,672 --> 00:19:36,573
With that, I'd like to introduce
our student, Pierce Hawthorne,
375
00:19:36,775 --> 00:19:39,938
who's written Greendale
its own school song. Heh.
376
00:19:40,145 --> 00:19:43,342
Pierce, okay.
Thank you, dean, thank you.
377
00:19:43,549 --> 00:19:46,484
This song goes out to Annie
378
00:19:46,952 --> 00:19:48,579
for believing in me.
379
00:19:52,658 --> 00:19:57,755
♪ Standing in the bookstore line
Waiting for the bell to chime ♪
380
00:19:57,963 --> 00:19:59,931
♪ So you can go to class ♪
381
00:20:02,401 --> 00:20:05,928
♪ Dancing in your underwear
Taking air conditioner repair ♪
382
00:20:06,138 --> 00:20:07,264
Is this Bruce Hornsby's?
Yup.
383
00:20:07,472 --> 00:20:09,872
Does he know he stole it?
I don't think so. Let him enjoy it.
384
00:20:10,075 --> 00:20:12,441
Could we get sued?
Not sure.
385
00:20:13,412 --> 00:20:15,607
♪ Greendale's the way it goes ♪
386
00:20:15,814 --> 00:20:17,247
Yeah, they got us.
387
00:20:17,749 --> 00:20:21,810
♪ Some things are still the same ♪
388
00:20:22,387 --> 00:20:25,288
♪ Slop pails and pantyhose ♪
389
00:20:25,490 --> 00:20:30,757
♪ Oh, Annie believes in me ♪♪
390
00:21:00,659 --> 00:21:02,126
How many?
Thirty-six. You win.
391
00:21:02,327 --> 00:21:03,453
Best of three?
Yeah.
392
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:09,224
Aaah...