1
00:00:02,068 --> 00:00:03,057
[###]
2
00:00:03,269 --> 00:00:05,965
A small, fading remnant of a star.
3
00:00:06,172 --> 00:00:08,140
A white dwarf.
That's right.
4
00:00:08,341 --> 00:00:09,740
I used a memory technique.
5
00:00:09,943 --> 00:00:12,969
Dwarves hate being called midgets,
and midgets are small.
6
00:00:13,313 --> 00:00:14,302
Good.
7
00:00:14,514 --> 00:00:17,813
And what does a star turn into
after it collapses?
8
00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:19,007
A movie of the week.
9
00:00:19,219 --> 00:00:20,584
A black hole.
Right.
10
00:00:20,787 --> 00:00:22,982
Troy, you could be an astronomer.
11
00:00:23,189 --> 00:00:27,057
As far as I'm concerned, there's only
one black hole worth studying.
12
00:00:28,995 --> 00:00:30,360
It's called Sagittarius A.
13
00:00:30,563 --> 00:00:35,523
It's located in the center of our galaxy
and it has the density of 40 suns.
14
00:00:36,770 --> 00:00:38,567
Just like my wiener.
TROY: Ha-ha.
15
00:00:38,772 --> 00:00:40,740
You said "wiener." That's funny.
16
00:00:40,940 --> 00:00:43,534
Pierce and Troy didn't get along at first but
now they're bonding through mutual adolescence.
17
00:00:43,743 --> 00:00:46,303
Shut up, fart head.
Will you shut up, poo-poo head?
18
00:00:46,846 --> 00:00:49,508
Hi, everybody. Ha-ha.
Well, look at this group.
19
00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:53,049
Having some kind of meeting and
being so diverse. There is just...
20
00:00:53,253 --> 00:00:56,552
Boy, there is just one
of every kind of you, isn't there?
21
00:00:56,756 --> 00:00:59,520
Well, we are missing a pipsqueak
but we don't want one, so beat it.
22
00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:01,250
Uh, Pierce, that's the dean.
23
00:01:02,162 --> 00:01:03,254
You kidding?
24
00:01:03,463 --> 00:01:05,294
Sorry. Just my luck.
25
00:01:05,498 --> 00:01:07,295
It's all right. Don't let me interrupt.
26
00:01:07,500 --> 00:01:10,333
Sometimes, I just roll around campus
like a little football.
27
00:01:10,537 --> 00:01:12,129
I can't believe this.
28
00:01:12,338 --> 00:01:15,535
Here I am in a random conversation
about football,
29
00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:20,179
and I'm talking to Troy Barnes, star
quarterback from Riverside High. Whoa. Heh.
30
00:01:20,380 --> 00:01:23,144
Troy, did you know Greendale
has a football team?
31
00:01:23,349 --> 00:01:25,078
Did you know they had a football?
32
00:01:25,285 --> 00:01:26,946
Ah. Heh. Good. That's very funny.
33
00:01:27,153 --> 00:01:30,919
Troy, I was so sorry to hear about your
injury, but now that you have recovered,
34
00:01:31,124 --> 00:01:33,786
we would love for you to play
for the Human Beings.
35
00:01:33,993 --> 00:01:35,654
The team's name is
the Human Beings?
36
00:01:35,862 --> 00:01:36,988
Yeah. My idea.
37
00:01:37,197 --> 00:01:40,064
It was the Greendale Grizzlies
but I thought that, um...
38
00:01:40,266 --> 00:01:43,793
[WHISPERING] Well, a lot of these students
have been called animals their whole lives.
39
00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:46,629
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Unfortunately, I don't
know what to do about the mascot.
40
00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:48,330
Oh. I could help with that,
Your Honor.
41
00:01:48,541 --> 00:01:50,839
I have a wealth of experience
in image management,
42
00:01:51,044 --> 00:01:53,808
icon development,
and Y2K preparedness.
43
00:01:54,013 --> 00:01:56,174
Ooh. Well, aren't you found money.
Heh-heh.
44
00:01:56,382 --> 00:02:00,045
Troy, all of your friends are lining up
to turn Greendale around.
45
00:02:00,253 --> 00:02:01,777
How about you?
ANNIE: Troy isn't interested
46
00:02:01,988 --> 00:02:03,888
in football anymore.
Getting injured in that keg stand
47
00:02:04,090 --> 00:02:05,523
was the best thing
that ever happened to him.
48
00:02:05,725 --> 00:02:07,693
Whoa. Yoko Ono much?
49
00:02:07,894 --> 00:02:11,193
Ha-ha-ha.
Bros before ho's, Troy.
50
00:02:11,397 --> 00:02:13,126
Heh. Listen, man, no offense,
51
00:02:13,333 --> 00:02:15,801
but I was the best
and I finished on top.
52
00:02:16,002 --> 00:02:17,697
I wouldn't play for this school
with a 10-foot pole.
53
00:02:17,904 --> 00:02:20,566
Dean, I'm sure Troy will sign up
for football,
54
00:02:20,773 --> 00:02:24,937
if and when some accident damages
the part of his brain that feels pride.
55
00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:27,170
Until then, would you excuse us?
All right.
56
00:02:27,380 --> 00:02:30,508
Well, uh, if you change your mind,
the field is always open.
57
00:02:30,717 --> 00:02:33,083
Oh, figuratively speaking. You know.
Wednesdays and Sundays
58
00:02:33,286 --> 00:02:37,120
it's used as parking overflow
for the megachurch. Okay. Heh.
59
00:02:37,891 --> 00:02:40,985
Now let's meet the minimum requirements
for a language credit, shall we?
60
00:02:41,194 --> 00:02:43,992
Yes, but I need to go
to the bathroom first. Uh, Britta?
61
00:02:44,197 --> 00:02:45,721
Oh, no, I don't have to go.
62
00:02:47,033 --> 00:02:48,694
I'll go with you.
63
00:02:53,139 --> 00:02:54,299
What? She's offended?
64
00:02:54,908 --> 00:02:56,000
Girls go in groups.
65
00:02:56,209 --> 00:02:58,700
Did you learn nothing
from standup comedy in the '90s?
66
00:02:58,912 --> 00:03:00,709
I'm familiar with the concept,
I just... Uh...
67
00:03:00,914 --> 00:03:03,405
Fine. If it's important to Shirley,
I'll go next time.
68
00:03:03,616 --> 00:03:06,710
I'm willing to try some more
mainstream feminine stuff.
69
00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:09,252
Then you should know nothing says,
"I'm a woman"
70
00:03:09,455 --> 00:03:11,150
like doing it with me.
71
00:03:11,357 --> 00:03:15,020
Nothing says, "I'm a pig," like you.
72
00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:17,261
Will they or won't they?
Sexual tension.
73
00:03:17,463 --> 00:03:19,693
Abed. It makes the group
uncomfortable when you talk
74
00:03:19,899 --> 00:03:21,833
like we're characters in a show
you're watching.
75
00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:23,195
Well, that's sort of my gimmick.
76
00:03:23,403 --> 00:03:25,928
But we did lean on that pretty hard
last week.
77
00:03:26,139 --> 00:03:27,731
I can lay low for an episode.
78
00:03:27,941 --> 00:03:29,909
[THE 88'S
"AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYS]
79
00:03:36,983 --> 00:03:39,884
JEFF: Are you sure you made the right
call on the football team, Troy?
80
00:03:40,086 --> 00:03:42,418
It looks like
they won something once.
81
00:03:42,622 --> 00:03:45,557
"Most Valued Customer,
Henderson Trophy Cases."
82
00:03:46,993 --> 00:03:49,655
We should still study
a little more astronomy later, right?
83
00:03:49,862 --> 00:03:52,831
Maybe over some Milky Ways
or some Mars bars.
84
00:03:53,032 --> 00:03:55,193
Or pancakes.
85
00:03:56,035 --> 00:03:59,129
JEFF: "I'm Jeff and I'm a
student at Greendale"?
86
00:03:59,539 --> 00:04:01,473
Well, that's not good.
87
00:04:01,674 --> 00:04:04,165
Wood undergoes rapid oxidation
88
00:04:04,377 --> 00:04:06,937
because it reacts
spontaneously to...
89
00:04:07,146 --> 00:04:08,613
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
90
00:04:09,115 --> 00:04:10,707
Okay, guys. Seriously.
We've talked about this.
91
00:04:10,917 --> 00:04:14,546
Okay, you have got to turn off
your cell ph...
92
00:04:15,121 --> 00:04:16,486
That's mine. My bad.
93
00:04:16,689 --> 00:04:20,056
[WHISPERING] I'm going to the bathroom.
Would you like to come with me?
94
00:04:20,493 --> 00:04:22,484
Well, yes. Yes, I would.
95
00:04:22,695 --> 00:04:23,821
That's nice.
96
00:04:24,030 --> 00:04:27,591
Okay, what's it called?
Antoni...? Hold on.
97
00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:29,893
Does anybody have a pen? A pen?
98
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:31,263
No one has a pen.
99
00:04:31,471 --> 00:04:33,371
Why would you not bring a pen
to class?
100
00:04:33,573 --> 00:04:36,064
Idiot. No, you're not an idiot.
Ha-ha-ha.
101
00:04:36,376 --> 00:04:39,004
I had my blinker on about five
minutes and this no-good,
102
00:04:39,212 --> 00:04:42,181
"clearly bald but trying to hide it
with a bandana" loser swooped right in.
103
00:04:42,382 --> 00:04:44,145
I couldn't believe it.
BRITTA: Maybe he didn't see you.
104
00:04:44,350 --> 00:04:47,285
He saw me.
Maybe he had his blinker on too.
105
00:04:47,487 --> 00:04:48,681
Maybe.
106
00:04:48,888 --> 00:04:52,688
So you got any family, Britta?
Yeah. Whatever.
107
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:56,456
My mom might visit this weekend.
She and I are gonna get makeovers at that spa...
108
00:04:56,663 --> 00:04:59,962
Makeovers. They sure have us
programmed right.
109
00:05:00,166 --> 00:05:05,194
[IN ROBOT VOICE] I am a female pleasure unit.
I require a new coat of paint.
110
00:05:05,405 --> 00:05:06,463
Just something
I thought might be fun.
111
00:05:06,673 --> 00:05:08,368
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Here's
something I think might be fun.
112
00:05:08,574 --> 00:05:12,408
Let's find out the number of makeup
companies that are owned by women.
113
00:05:12,612 --> 00:05:14,580
I'll save you the trouble. It's zero.
114
00:05:14,781 --> 00:05:17,409
Of course, you're saying,
"Britta, aren't you a hypocrite?
115
00:05:17,617 --> 00:05:21,075
You're plastered with glitter and goo
from head to toe like the rest of us."
116
00:05:21,287 --> 00:05:23,847
Well, I also pay income tax
and pull over for cops.
117
00:05:24,057 --> 00:05:25,888
But that doesn't mean I support
a country that oppresses citizens,
118
00:05:26,092 --> 00:05:27,081
[HAND DRYER WHIRRING]
119
00:05:27,293 --> 00:05:28,487
restricts voting rights...
120
00:05:28,961 --> 00:05:31,657
Thanks for offering to help design
the new mascot.
121
00:05:31,864 --> 00:05:34,458
I, uh, have been a little stumped.
Heh. That's no problem.
122
00:05:34,667 --> 00:05:37,761
By the way, I took the liberty of
thumbnailing a Human Being prototype,
123
00:05:37,970 --> 00:05:42,373
uh, which I modeled
after Da Vinci's Vitruvian Man.
124
00:05:42,575 --> 00:05:45,544
Oh. You're offering it but...
The penis is a little small, I think.
125
00:05:45,745 --> 00:05:48,305
Oh, okay. It looks a lot like you.
Okay.
126
00:05:48,514 --> 00:05:49,879
Um, here's the thing.
127
00:05:50,083 --> 00:05:52,483
If we are the Human Beings,
you know,
128
00:05:52,685 --> 00:05:54,983
and we have a mascot
that's just a white guy,
129
00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:57,156
what message are we sending?
130
00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:59,985
Our symbol needs to reflect
the diversity of our school
131
00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:02,889
and our species.
So, black?
132
00:06:03,096 --> 00:06:05,826
No, because we're not the
Greendale Blacks, Mr. Hawthorne,
133
00:06:06,032 --> 00:06:08,125
or the Greendale Asians,
or any other creed.
134
00:06:08,334 --> 00:06:10,529
We are
the Greendale Human Beings.
135
00:06:10,737 --> 00:06:11,704
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
136
00:06:11,904 --> 00:06:14,031
Yeah.
Sorry to disturb you guys.
137
00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:18,374
Who are clearly looking at a clearly naked
drawing of Pierce doing jumping jacks.
138
00:06:18,578 --> 00:06:20,808
Dean, a quick download, please?
Uh... Absolutely.
139
00:06:21,013 --> 00:06:24,005
Excuse me.
Okay. Fill me in later.
140
00:06:24,417 --> 00:06:25,941
[SIGHS]
141
00:06:27,253 --> 00:06:28,481
Whoa-oh.
142
00:06:28,688 --> 00:06:30,553
Ah. Good, a pencil.
143
00:06:31,124 --> 00:06:33,092
First of all, I'm flattered.
144
00:06:33,292 --> 00:06:35,453
Oh, well,
you're a very photogenic man.
145
00:06:35,661 --> 00:06:37,959
Is that real bed head, or do you
put something in there? Can I?
146
00:06:38,164 --> 00:06:39,927
Oh. It's crispy.
I was thinking about
147
00:06:40,133 --> 00:06:42,033
the four disembodied heads
and I thought,
148
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:43,725
Where's the heart?
Where's the soul?
149
00:06:43,936 --> 00:06:45,995
Where's the different poster design?
150
00:06:46,205 --> 00:06:48,264
You know I did think those
were less than personable.
151
00:06:48,474 --> 00:06:51,272
Which is why
I went with the full bodies
152
00:06:51,477 --> 00:06:54,742
in these mailers we have going out.
Ta-ta-ta.
153
00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:57,512
Mailers?
I didn't give permission for this.
154
00:06:57,717 --> 00:07:00,083
Jeffrey, did you not read
the release agreement
155
00:07:00,286 --> 00:07:03,255
on the back of your registration form?
Heh-heh-heh.
156
00:07:03,456 --> 00:07:06,619
I'm starting to see why someone
used to be a lawyer. Ha-ha-ha.
157
00:07:06,826 --> 00:07:09,727
Look, if someone from the outside
were to find...
158
00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:12,363
Okay, if someone from the outside
were to find out
159
00:07:12,565 --> 00:07:14,294
that I am a student
at a community college,
160
00:07:14,500 --> 00:07:17,731
that could have a negative impact
on my future career.
161
00:07:18,237 --> 00:07:19,795
Oh.
162
00:07:20,006 --> 00:07:22,634
Goodness.
Look what we have stumbled onto.
163
00:07:22,842 --> 00:07:25,072
An opportunity to help
each other out.
164
00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:27,712
I suppose I wouldn't need
this promotional campaign
165
00:07:27,914 --> 00:07:31,611
if I could announce to the press that
Troy Barnes is playing football here.
166
00:07:32,685 --> 00:07:35,017
I think he's been pretty clear
about declining that offer.
167
00:07:35,221 --> 00:07:36,950
I think if you said jump,
he'd say, "How high?"
168
00:07:37,156 --> 00:07:39,283
If you said stop,
he'd say "Hammer time."
169
00:07:39,492 --> 00:07:40,823
You starting to get what I mean?
Hmm?
170
00:07:41,027 --> 00:07:42,324
No, I need another example.
171
00:07:43,429 --> 00:07:45,420
You know, I didn't realize before,
172
00:07:45,631 --> 00:07:49,328
but we should send those out
to local businesses.
173
00:07:50,036 --> 00:07:56,168
Law firms, lawyer companies,
174
00:07:56,509 --> 00:08:00,673
legal gatherings.
175
00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:02,677
You trying to blackmail me?
I think so.
176
00:08:02,882 --> 00:08:08,013
Gentlemen, I present to you
the Greendale Human Being.
177
00:08:08,254 --> 00:08:09,778
That's a falcon with a gun.
178
00:08:11,724 --> 00:08:13,351
Now it's a falcon with an erection.
179
00:08:16,162 --> 00:08:18,255
[###]
180
00:08:18,464 --> 00:08:20,295
Oh, hi, Abed.
181
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:24,596
Hmm.
Bye. He's just laying low.
182
00:08:24,804 --> 00:08:26,635
Oh, are you going to the bathroom?
Uh... Yes.
183
00:08:26,839 --> 00:08:30,275
I'll go with you.
You know what? I'm good.
184
00:08:32,612 --> 00:08:35,137
She probably just, you know,
had to go number two.
185
00:08:37,783 --> 00:08:40,650
Okay, what's the closest planet
to Earth?
186
00:08:40,853 --> 00:08:43,583
Planet Hollywood?
Ha-ha-ha.
187
00:08:43,789 --> 00:08:47,384
That's not the right answer but
it shows how fun astronomy can be.
188
00:08:47,593 --> 00:08:49,493
Hey, Troy,
can I talk to you for a sec?
189
00:08:49,695 --> 00:08:51,526
We're studying, so Troy's busy.
190
00:08:51,731 --> 00:08:53,790
Well, the galaxy's
not going anywhere.
191
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:55,024
I'll bring him back.
192
00:08:57,003 --> 00:08:58,698
JEFF: You ever miss being
a quarterback, Troy?
193
00:08:58,905 --> 00:09:00,964
I miss being the best
at something.
194
00:09:01,173 --> 00:09:03,232
I miss having a coach.
195
00:09:03,709 --> 00:09:06,075
I miss knowing what to think.
196
00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:08,975
You still know what to think, Troy.
Oh, good.
197
00:09:09,181 --> 00:09:11,240
For instance, after the dean
talked to you about football,
198
00:09:11,450 --> 00:09:13,008
you and I were thinking
the same thing.
199
00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:14,413
That dude looks like Moby.
200
00:09:14,620 --> 00:09:17,282
We were thinking, what if
Troy did play for Greendale?
201
00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:20,152
You'd be surprised at how many of
your favorite football players
202
00:09:20,359 --> 00:09:22,350
got started at community college.
203
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:24,029
Really? Name one.
204
00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:26,596
Who's your favorite player?
Me. Whoa.
205
00:09:27,133 --> 00:09:31,331
Maybe you and I should go check out
the Greendale Thunderdome.
206
00:09:31,537 --> 00:09:33,801
[IMITATES CROWD CHEERING]
207
00:09:34,974 --> 00:09:36,703
[GRUNTING]
208
00:09:37,610 --> 00:09:41,011
The dome arrives later.
It comes with thunder.
209
00:09:41,213 --> 00:09:43,306
Let me tell you
a little secret about me, Troy.
210
00:09:43,683 --> 00:09:45,310
Every day, on my way to school,
211
00:09:45,518 --> 00:09:48,009
I drive through downtown,
past the courthouse,
212
00:09:48,220 --> 00:09:50,814
just to get a glimpse of the world
that I once ruled.
213
00:09:51,023 --> 00:09:53,548
And I just wanna jump out of my car,
run up the steps,
214
00:09:53,759 --> 00:09:56,227
and exploit the legal system
for profit.
215
00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:59,523
But I can't.
I'm locked out of my old kingdom.
216
00:09:59,732 --> 00:10:02,098
You're not.
You see what I'm saying?
217
00:10:02,768 --> 00:10:06,101
You're saying I could be a lawyer.
I'm saying you're a football player.
218
00:10:06,305 --> 00:10:08,000
It's in your blood.
That's racist.
219
00:10:08,207 --> 00:10:09,606
Your soul.
That's racist.
220
00:10:09,809 --> 00:10:10,901
Your eyes?
That's gay?
221
00:10:11,110 --> 00:10:12,475
That's homophobic.
That's black.
222
00:10:12,678 --> 00:10:14,236
That's racist.
Damn.
223
00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:16,472
When you played, you were a god.
224
00:10:16,682 --> 00:10:18,445
Now you're not playing
and you're not.
225
00:10:18,651 --> 00:10:21,245
I'd tell you to do the math,
but math isn't important.
226
00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:22,978
The only thing
that's important is this.
227
00:10:23,189 --> 00:10:25,657
Yeah, but Annie said...
Annie said that Benjamin Button
228
00:10:25,858 --> 00:10:29,157
was compelling. Look, she's a smart
girl but sometimes she's just wrong.
229
00:10:29,362 --> 00:10:31,125
Eighty-five, go long.
230
00:10:31,330 --> 00:10:32,729
It's like a drug, isn't it?
231
00:10:32,932 --> 00:10:35,526
Feel it, Troy. Throw it.
232
00:10:36,402 --> 00:10:39,701
The scoreboard lights up.
There will be a scoreboard there.
233
00:10:39,905 --> 00:10:42,203
It's complete. Nice catch.
234
00:10:42,408 --> 00:10:45,741
The girls, the glory,
the scouts, the career.
235
00:10:45,945 --> 00:10:48,243
It starts when you join this team.
236
00:10:48,447 --> 00:10:50,039
Is that linebacker
a pregnant woman?
237
00:10:50,249 --> 00:10:51,682
Look, you can meet them later,
238
00:10:51,884 --> 00:10:54,512
but this decision has to be yours,
T-Bone.
239
00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:57,154
And this decision has to be yes.
240
00:10:57,356 --> 00:10:59,153
How did you know my nickname
was T-Bone?
241
00:10:59,358 --> 00:11:02,486
Because you're a football player
and your name begins with T.
242
00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:08,198
Your name begins with T.
243
00:11:09,001 --> 00:11:10,059
[###]
244
00:11:12,905 --> 00:11:14,395
Britta?
245
00:11:15,041 --> 00:11:16,531
Oh, are you finished?
246
00:11:16,742 --> 00:11:20,143
I mean, I have to go, but apparently,
I failed yesterday's tryouts
247
00:11:20,346 --> 00:11:22,314
for the position
of bathroom companion.
248
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:24,380
Oh, Britta, I wasn't trying
to hurt your feelings.
249
00:11:24,583 --> 00:11:26,813
Heh. You didn't hurt
my feelings, Shirley.
250
00:11:27,019 --> 00:11:28,919
I don't need to go to the bathroom
with other people.
251
00:11:29,121 --> 00:11:31,180
I was just trying to throw you a bone
because I like you.
252
00:11:31,390 --> 00:11:33,858
Oh. You can keep that bone.
253
00:11:34,060 --> 00:11:37,154
Listening to a story about a stranger pissing
me off and taking the stranger's side?
254
00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:38,921
And then you can't talk
about your own business
255
00:11:39,131 --> 00:11:40,530
but you insinuate
my mama's a robot
256
00:11:40,733 --> 00:11:43,861
because she and I want makeovers.
That is the ladies room, Britta.
257
00:11:44,070 --> 00:11:47,699
A place where ladies go to share,
listen, support each other,
258
00:11:47,907 --> 00:11:50,000
and discretely eliminate waste.
259
00:11:50,209 --> 00:11:53,201
And I like you too.
I even like that you're a little hard,
260
00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:56,481
but if you can't learn
to be soft in there,
261
00:11:56,682 --> 00:11:58,707
you need to pee alone.
262
00:12:00,386 --> 00:12:02,115
[VOICE BREAKING]
I've peed alone my whole life.
263
00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:06,688
Women have always hated me.
264
00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:08,519
I don't even know how it started.
265
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:11,060
Maybe it was when I got boobs
before everybody...
266
00:12:11,263 --> 00:12:12,924
Shhh.
267
00:12:13,799 --> 00:12:15,494
Not out here.
268
00:12:16,335 --> 00:12:17,996
In there.
269
00:12:18,637 --> 00:12:21,162
Whoo! Ha-ha.
Troy, Troy, the wonder boy.
270
00:12:21,373 --> 00:12:24,001
You dropped your books,
Poindexter. Heh-heh-heh.
271
00:12:24,210 --> 00:12:27,668
Troy, I've been waiting for an hour.
It's all right. I'm worth it.
272
00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:29,507
♪ Hip hop, body don't stop ♪
273
00:12:29,715 --> 00:12:31,580
♪ Riverside got the broom
Don't need a mop ♪
274
00:12:31,784 --> 00:12:33,809
♪ Put your team in a box
Put a ribbon on top ♪
275
00:12:34,019 --> 00:12:36,112
♪ We're not John Kerry
Because we don't flip flop ♪♪
276
00:12:36,322 --> 00:12:39,291
Troy, why are you doing our politically
conservative high school's
277
00:12:39,492 --> 00:12:41,426
shamefully outdated fight rap?
278
00:12:41,627 --> 00:12:43,151
Have you been playing football?
279
00:12:43,362 --> 00:12:45,956
Threw the skin around
a couple of times. I still got it.
280
00:12:46,165 --> 00:12:48,725
Uhn, uhn, uhn. Doosh! Uhn.
281
00:12:48,934 --> 00:12:51,459
But you knew
we had an Astronomy test tomorrow.
282
00:12:51,670 --> 00:12:54,264
Class blows. What I need to know
about the universe
283
00:12:54,473 --> 00:12:56,839
is that I'm at the center of it.
284
00:12:57,042 --> 00:12:59,101
♪ Oh Bing, bong, sing along ♪
285
00:12:59,311 --> 00:13:01,108
♪ Your team's Al Gore
Your views are wrong ♪♪
286
00:13:01,313 --> 00:13:02,507
Troy, stop.
287
00:13:04,049 --> 00:13:05,983
Don't become this person again.
288
00:13:06,185 --> 00:13:07,243
This isn't the real you.
289
00:13:07,453 --> 00:13:10,422
This is the arrogant jock
that totally ignored the only people
290
00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:12,784
that truly liked him
for non-superficial reasons
291
00:13:12,992 --> 00:13:16,291
but weren't allowed to say anything
because their parents are bigots.
292
00:13:16,762 --> 00:13:20,027
Huh?
Football is bad for you, Troy.
293
00:13:22,501 --> 00:13:23,866
Jeff said you'd say that.
294
00:13:24,069 --> 00:13:26,594
Jeff... What now?
295
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:28,967
Troy. Troy, Troy, Troy.
296
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:30,802
That's my name.
297
00:13:31,010 --> 00:13:35,037
I think if we add in a little bit of
Phylicia Rashad, we'll be in better shape.
298
00:13:35,247 --> 00:13:38,148
Yeah, you're right.
That beige is a little light.
299
00:13:38,350 --> 00:13:40,818
Um... Wow.
300
00:13:41,053 --> 00:13:42,145
Yeah, yeah.
301
00:13:42,354 --> 00:13:44,652
We are developing
the perfect mascot.
302
00:13:44,857 --> 00:13:48,122
No stereotypical identifiers
from any race or gender.
303
00:13:48,327 --> 00:13:51,626
You see, Jeff, this is a chart of the
features we're staying away from.
304
00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:55,858
Pan-Asian eye folds, uh,
Irish chins, women's breasts.
305
00:13:56,068 --> 00:13:59,333
Is that Seal?
Oh, that is our human color wheel.
306
00:13:59,538 --> 00:14:02,336
It goes from Seal to Seal's teeth.
What do you think?
307
00:14:02,541 --> 00:14:05,977
I think not being racist
is the new racism.
308
00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:08,646
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What happened to the prototype?
309
00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:10,645
Ooh. I left the nose in the kiln.
PELTON: Oh.
310
00:14:12,451 --> 00:14:15,682
So Troy is gonna play football.
Yes.
311
00:14:15,888 --> 00:14:17,856
Which means
I'll be getting rid of these.
312
00:14:18,057 --> 00:14:20,548
No, uh, I won't mail these out
but they are staying with me
313
00:14:20,759 --> 00:14:23,023
until the press announces
that Troy is a part of the team.
314
00:14:23,229 --> 00:14:26,892
And I want him at that pep rally tonight.
Reporters are gonna be there.
315
00:14:27,299 --> 00:14:29,529
We're gonna unveil
the new mascot
316
00:14:29,735 --> 00:14:32,260
and things are finally
going to start turning around.
317
00:14:32,471 --> 00:14:35,872
Oh, and my ex-therapist
is gonna think twice
318
00:14:36,075 --> 00:14:38,100
before he makes fun of my job!
319
00:14:38,477 --> 00:14:40,570
Here it is. Still hot.
Ooh. Ow.
320
00:14:40,779 --> 00:14:43,077
Oh, Dean, I'm gonna get some
more coffee. You want anything?
321
00:14:43,282 --> 00:14:46,217
Yeah, uh, a Desmond Tutu with just enough
cream to make it a Lou Diamond Phillips.
322
00:14:46,418 --> 00:14:48,249
La Bamba. Got it.
323
00:14:48,454 --> 00:14:50,183
[###]
324
00:14:54,660 --> 00:14:56,252
ANNIE:
Aha!
325
00:14:57,263 --> 00:14:58,321
I've been following you.
326
00:14:58,530 --> 00:15:00,498
How much did the dean pay you
to make Troy play football?
327
00:15:00,699 --> 00:15:03,190
I'm not having a conversation with
someone who emerges from a bush.
328
00:15:03,402 --> 00:15:04,426
Because I'm right?
No.
329
00:15:04,637 --> 00:15:07,504
Because I'm not in a commercial
for breakfast cereal.
330
00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:10,237
Look, the dean has pictures of me,
okay?
331
00:15:10,876 --> 00:15:12,241
Horrible pictures of me.
332
00:15:13,045 --> 00:15:14,410
Attending his school.
333
00:15:14,813 --> 00:15:18,340
And for that, you've convinced Troy to flush
his life down football's toilet again?
334
00:15:18,550 --> 00:15:20,984
Britta's right. You are the most
selfish person alive.
335
00:15:21,186 --> 00:15:24,781
And all that is gonna end right now.
I'm telling him what kind of friend you really are.
336
00:15:24,990 --> 00:15:28,187
Maybe you should tell him
you're hopelessly in love with him.
337
00:15:28,861 --> 00:15:30,590
High school must have been tough,
huh?
338
00:15:30,796 --> 00:15:32,787
Waiting for a superstar
to notice you.
339
00:15:32,998 --> 00:15:37,731
But here, here, he's all alone
and he needs so much help.
340
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:41,304
Did you enroll in all his classes or were
you worried that might freak him out?
341
00:15:41,507 --> 00:15:43,941
The important thing is
that you are there for him.
342
00:15:44,143 --> 00:15:47,078
The important thing is that you
are the only one there for him.
343
00:15:47,279 --> 00:15:49,144
And you don't really care
what he wants,
344
00:15:49,348 --> 00:15:51,942
just as long as you don't have
to share him with the world.
345
00:15:52,151 --> 00:15:55,712
Because, really,
you are just as selfish as I am.
346
00:15:55,921 --> 00:15:58,116
You're just not as good at it yet.
347
00:15:59,525 --> 00:16:01,083
You're right.
348
00:16:01,460 --> 00:16:03,587
I could never be as good as you.
349
00:16:03,796 --> 00:16:05,457
Probably because I actually care.
350
00:16:06,231 --> 00:16:07,858
Profound
but technically meaningless.
351
00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:09,430
[###]
352
00:16:09,635 --> 00:16:12,763
And don't bother trying that thing
women do where they walk away
353
00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:16,339
and make the guy feel like crap,
because it won't happen.
354
00:16:17,009 --> 00:16:18,636
Yeah.
355
00:16:20,779 --> 00:16:22,303
Damn it.
356
00:16:25,284 --> 00:16:28,253
[VOICE BREAKING] Shirley, will you
please come to the bathroom with me?
357
00:16:36,295 --> 00:16:39,059
Where's Shirley?
Shirley's not coming.
358
00:16:39,398 --> 00:16:43,835
But, uh, I'm here to listen, girl.
359
00:16:45,871 --> 00:16:48,772
Why do we inflict so much pain
on ourselves for men?
360
00:16:48,974 --> 00:16:50,373
I don't
361
00:16:50,576 --> 00:16:52,703
know, sweetie.
362
00:16:52,911 --> 00:16:58,213
Maybe it's because
men make the world go around?
363
00:16:58,751 --> 00:17:00,514
Kleenex?
364
00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:02,644
[SNIFFLES THEN SOBS]
365
00:17:04,556 --> 00:17:08,322
I've been infatuated with Troy.
366
00:17:09,261 --> 00:17:10,592
Now he's joining football.
367
00:17:11,063 --> 00:17:16,433
Now he'll have his pick of the litter
and I'll never get to be with him.
368
00:17:16,635 --> 00:17:18,762
Oh, Annie, screw him.
369
00:17:18,971 --> 00:17:21,667
There are guys out there
that would kill to be with you.
370
00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:24,741
If Troy isn't one of them,
that's him failing your standards.
371
00:17:24,943 --> 00:17:26,069
You got that?
372
00:17:27,846 --> 00:17:30,610
You're right. I can't control him.
373
00:17:31,283 --> 00:17:35,947
And if I truly cared about him,
I wouldn't want to.
374
00:17:37,423 --> 00:17:40,688
Thanks for talking to me, Britta.
It really helped.
375
00:17:41,093 --> 00:17:43,220
Seriously?
Yes.
376
00:17:43,429 --> 00:17:45,226
Who's my girl?
377
00:17:45,431 --> 00:17:47,626
[ALL LAUGH]
378
00:17:47,833 --> 00:17:50,495
Excuse me.
I did it. I did it.
379
00:17:50,702 --> 00:17:52,431
Yes, you did.
380
00:17:52,638 --> 00:17:54,606
[###]
381
00:17:55,140 --> 00:17:57,472
[CHANTING IN DISTANCE]
382
00:17:57,676 --> 00:18:01,043
PLAYERS [CHANTING]: Human Beings,
Human Beings, Human Beings.
383
00:18:01,447 --> 00:18:03,312
Human Beings, Human Beings.
384
00:18:03,515 --> 00:18:05,107
Troy. Troy.
385
00:18:06,685 --> 00:18:08,448
Don't go in there, man.
What?
386
00:18:08,654 --> 00:18:11,418
You got the most you were ever going
to get out of football in high school.
387
00:18:11,623 --> 00:18:13,591
A life of disillusionment
and depression
388
00:18:13,792 --> 00:18:15,623
begins on the other side
of that door.
389
00:18:15,828 --> 00:18:18,922
Hey, man, is this your first pep rally
or something?
390
00:18:19,131 --> 00:18:22,999
You told me football was the most
important thing in the world.
391
00:18:23,202 --> 00:18:25,329
Well, buckle up, Troy
I was exaggerating.
392
00:18:25,537 --> 00:18:26,629
It's kind of my gimmick.
393
00:18:27,206 --> 00:18:29,071
Let me tell you something.
No, let me tell you something.
394
00:18:29,274 --> 00:18:31,572
You know that keg flip
that cost me my scholarship?
395
00:18:31,777 --> 00:18:33,039
Yeah.
396
00:18:33,412 --> 00:18:35,744
I hurt myself on purpose.
What?
397
00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:39,213
There was a scout coming
to the final game at Riverside
398
00:18:39,418 --> 00:18:42,319
and I couldn't take the pressure.
So I took the easy way out.
399
00:18:43,622 --> 00:18:45,112
When you showed me that field,
400
00:18:45,324 --> 00:18:46,814
I saw there was nothing
to worry about here.
401
00:18:47,025 --> 00:18:48,617
I could just play football
for the fun of it.
402
00:18:48,827 --> 00:18:50,260
I mean,
have you seen these guys?
403
00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:53,659
There is nowhere to go but up.
Dude, we have feelings.
404
00:18:54,399 --> 00:18:57,391
I don't know about you,
but I know I ended up here
405
00:18:57,603 --> 00:19:00,231
because things
weren't that great out there.
406
00:19:01,306 --> 00:19:03,604
You should try accepting
where you're at, man.
407
00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:06,471
Take a pottery class or something.
408
00:19:07,346 --> 00:19:12,511
♪ Greendale, we're number one
Nancy Pelosi is no fun ♪♪
409
00:19:12,718 --> 00:19:14,583
[ANNOUNCER SPEAKS
INDISTINCTLY ON MIC]
410
00:19:16,688 --> 00:19:17,780
Hey.
411
00:19:18,690 --> 00:19:19,782
Hey.
412
00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:24,091
I've decided to support Troy.
413
00:19:24,296 --> 00:19:27,231
They deploy things in football.
I went for rhyme over clarity.
414
00:19:27,432 --> 00:19:30,560
Look, I'm, uh...
I'm really sorry about before.
415
00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:33,267
I just think we were both wrong.
Really?
416
00:19:33,472 --> 00:19:36,532
Because I'm an 18-year-old girl
and you made me cry in public.
417
00:19:36,875 --> 00:19:39,002
Hmm. Okay, maybe I was
a little more wrong.
418
00:19:39,211 --> 00:19:43,011
I should grow up
and make peace with being here.
419
00:19:43,215 --> 00:19:46,707
I mean, it's not like Greendale
is gonna kill me or anything.
420
00:19:47,052 --> 00:19:48,519
Holy crap.
Oh!
421
00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:52,087
Sorry. Hey, say hello
to our ethnically neutral mascot,
422
00:19:52,291 --> 00:19:54,759
the Greendale Human Being.
423
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:56,860
The costume makes it difficult
for him to see.
424
00:19:57,062 --> 00:19:58,427
[MASCOT GRUNTING]
425
00:19:58,630 --> 00:20:01,064
He can't move his mouth either.
But take it from me,
426
00:20:01,266 --> 00:20:03,291
that's human for "hello."
427
00:20:03,502 --> 00:20:06,494
Let's get you into the pep rally.
Great idea. Let's do it.
428
00:20:08,407 --> 00:20:10,204
We've solved racism. What's next?
429
00:20:10,409 --> 00:20:12,969
PELTON: Let's do something for
little people. Or albinos.
430
00:20:13,178 --> 00:20:14,475
PIERCE:
How about little albinos?
431
00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:18,776
Well, this has the potential to be
a uniquely Greendale experience.
432
00:20:18,984 --> 00:20:20,508
My lady?
433
00:20:21,453 --> 00:20:22,943
My lord.
434
00:20:23,155 --> 00:20:25,123
[###]
435
00:20:37,903 --> 00:20:39,564
ABED:
Attention, students, this is Abed.
436
00:20:39,771 --> 00:20:40,760
TROY:
And the disco spider.
437
00:20:40,973 --> 00:20:42,338
ABED: Here at Greendale.
TROY: Greendale.
438
00:20:42,541 --> 00:20:43,769
BOTH [IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]:
Say what?
439
00:20:43,976 --> 00:20:46,274
A few quick announcements.
Announcement number one.
440
00:20:46,478 --> 00:20:48,810
All announcements will be cool,
starting right now.
441
00:20:49,014 --> 00:20:52,677
Announcement number two,
butt soup.
442
00:20:52,884 --> 00:20:54,146
Announcement number three,
443
00:20:54,353 --> 00:20:57,322
I am not Hadji from Jonny Quest,
Jeff Winger.
444
00:20:57,522 --> 00:20:59,786
On security news, you guys gotta
start locking the dean's door
445
00:20:59,992 --> 00:21:02,790
so guys like us don't get in.
MAN: Hey.