The Jeff Dunham Show - Season 01 Episode 01 - "Pilot"
Greetings, infidels.
Please welcome Jeff Dunham!
Thank you so much. Thank you very much.
Yes, thank you very much.
And, unless I'm allucinating, welcome to the Jeff Dunham Show.
Now, a lot of folks have been wondering
what the show is gonna be.
Well, for those here who know what i do for a living,
you've seen me and the guys on TV,
you've seen us on the Comedy Central Specials,
maybe on the DVDs.
But you've only heard us talk about
what we do off the stage.
You've never really seen it,
So what we decided to do for a TV show
is we took the little guys out in the real world
real life, real situations, with real people,
and we saw what would happen.
And that's what you're gonna watch tonight.
So the first guy that's gonna help me this evening
is been a friend for many many years,
let's hope he's in a good mood tonight.
Please let me welcome my old friend Walter.
Oh, Lord.
Would you please shut the hell up?
- What's wrong with you? - Nothing.
Are you serious?
Will you have your own television show?
Yeah, you know why?
Yeah, youtube couldn't take it anymore.
That wasn't very nice.
Seriously, they'll give anyone a show, nowadays.
What makes you say that??
Read my lips:
"The Jeff Dunham Show".
Holy crap, what has happened to this world?
You're on TV, there's a black guy in the white house...
I QUIT.
C'mon, Walter...
I have lived too freakin' long now.
Do you always have to be so negative?
Yeah.
You know, i realised we're doing it again.
- What? - We're arguing.
- No, we're not. - Yeah.
- No. - Yeah...
- No. - Yes, we are.
- Whatever. - And remember where we learned not to do that?
At the therapist.
So, what brings you here today?
I'm here 'cause grampa touched my hoo hoo dilly.
Can we go now?
Walter and I never agree on anything,
and Comedy Central is afraid that it's affecting the show.
So they asked us to come see specifically you.
Walter, I'm gonna start with you
since you seem to be having a little more difficulty here.
Well, thank you.
What are two things you like about Jeff?
I got nothing.
Ok.
What are two things you dislike about Jeff?
Oh, he's a pussy.
Ok.
He's a pussy, and what else?
You said.. I can't believe
the therapist actually said pussy.
that's interesting because it sounded really awful when I said it,
I'm wondering if you're aware how kinda disruptive and disrespectful
it sounded when you said it.
Nah.
Walter, do you and your wife
talk a lot?
I never talk to my wife like this.
Are you nuts?
Maybe she doesn't share with you
- for the same reason Jeff here... - What about your wife??
You talk to her like that?
I share very personal things with my partner, yes.
Oh.. you mean "wife".
Are you trying to ask me if I'm married?
Yeah, I assumed you're married.
You're married, right?
- I am married - Oh good!
I'm married to a man.
What?
I'm married to a man.
You're.. married.. aw! ..to a man.
- Man - Man?
- Man! - Man.
- Did you know? - No.
No, we didn't know.
Are you a counselor to gay couples?
I do counsel gay couples.
Do.. you think that..
we're gay?
Well, Walter, if you were, i think you should be very proud that
you were able to get yourself
a younger handsome man.
Holy crap!
Walter, why did you just get up and leave?
I told you we shouldn't have come to Hollywood.
This is what they do here.
Everyone thinks we're gay.
No one thinks we're gay.
Then why did they send us to a gay therapist?
It was just a coincidence.
Besides, I would never wanna be gay with you.
Hey, you got that right.
I'd never wanna read the kamasutra while sitting on your lap.
- Right. - I'd never wanna
slowdance with you to Lionel Ritchie's "Hello".
And I would never wanna go to a place called "The Manhole" with you.
I'd never wanna taste you in the morning.
Walter, do you see what we're doing here?
What?
We're agreeing.
- We are? - Yeah.
We're ageeing that we'd never wanna be gay with each other.
Oh, my God, you're right!
UUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!
-toilet flush-
Doctor Young, you're a genius.
You used the fact that we didn't wanna be gay with each other
to bring us closer.
You're like a gay Yoda.
Ah, i've never heard it put that way, Walter, but thank you.
Thanks, doctor Young.
Do I look fat in this vest?
- D'you know what the saddest part about that was? - What?
We were trying to convince everyone we're not gay
though we're hanging out in a bathroom
with a whole camera crew of men.
- Well, Wal... - Don't touch me!
Ah...
We'll be right back.
Comin' up next, me, Achmed.
Holy crap, I look great in HD.
And Peanut tries to do it with a celebrity.
Plus, Bubba J gets surprised,
which, frankly, is not very difficult.
Don't change the channel or your remote will explode!!
Well, we're back, and I think you all know
Achmed, the dead terrorist.
So, Achmed, anything you wanna say to the crowd?
SILENCE!
Wait for it..
I KILL YOU!!
That is fantastic,
I feel like freaking Rod Stewart.
Let's do it altogheter.
One, two, three,
- I KILL YOU! - I KILL YOU!
They're talking to you.
So Achmed, how are you liking Los Angeles?
Oh, I do not like living in this city.
- Why? - There are no morals in this city.
- Really? - The only virgins left here
are the Jonas Brothers.
So that makes Los Angeles the perfect place
for me to launch my latest project.
He's one of the most feared people on the planet.
One of the FBI's most wanted terrorists.
And now is coming to kill you...
Hellooooooo!
..with comedy!
The economy is so bad, I had to sell my goat.
Now, if I want sex, I have to do it with my wife!
That's right!
Achmed, the dead terrorist is blowing up the comedy world
with his new stand-up DVD:
"I kill you? I kill me!"
Seventy-two virgins?
Frankly I'll be happier with two vietnamese chicks
who know their way around the cock.
If you like your jobs delivered by a dead guy with a turbant
this DVD's for you!
So, any jews here tonight?
Oh, really?
Ok, skip that bit.
He does relationship humour!
My wife complained I left the toilet seat up,
so I sold her.
He does topical!
I mean, is it really an instant message?
He does impressions!
I am not a muslim..
Dog!
He works the crowd!
Sir! What do you do?
I'm an accountant.
You know you've got a bad job
when a dead terrorist is like
"Thank god I'm not you!"
And who can forget his famous routine:
"You might be a terrorist if.."?
If you like living in a cave..
you might be a terrorist.
If you sometimes go "hlalalalala"
- You might be a terrorist!
Act now and get tons
of great bonus material,
including Achmed's infamous *** incident.
Hey, terrorist, you suck!
Are you fucking kidding me?
Hey, motherfucker, I kill people for a living!
You still suck!
I KILL YOU!
Oh, shit!
-screaming-
That's Achmed stand-up DVD
plus the bonus material,
all for one low low price of 9.95.
Shipping the infidel country's extra.
Good night Cleveland!
Dammit.
Thank you!
Thank you so much!
So, Achmed, how's your stand-up career going?
Oh, pretty good.
I've been performing at the Kabul Chuckle Dungeon.
The "Kabul Chuckle Dungeon"?
Yes, every thursday is ladies night.
Really?
You gotta trade in a lady for a drink.
Walter calls it "Whores for Heinekens".
No?
"Hooters for shooters"?
"Virgins for vodka"?
"Skanks for Screwdrivers"
Achmed..
Ihih, thank you, I'll be here all week.
I wonder if Dunham is gonna go nuts like Chapelle.
I heard Africa is nice this time of year.
Coming up next, me, Peanut,
surfing the skanky waters of the L.A. dating scene.
Plus the genius lures a guy into bed.
Well, truckbed..
It's complicated.
How you doing, Peanut?
I'm doing pretty good, how 'bout you?
- I'm fine - That's good that's good that's gooood!
Peanut, it's great to have you in my TV show.
"Your" TV show?
Excuse me, this is "my" TV show.
- No. - Yeah.
- No. - YEAH.
- No. - YEEEEEEEEEES.
What is that big sign right there?
A title?
Did you see the parking place with my name on it?
- Oh yeah. - Right?
Handicapped.
That's not funny.
Then why are they laughing?
So Peanut, are you enjoying Southern California?
Oh, dude, I gotta tell you that
California girls can not get enough of
the lavender lover!
I tell you what,
I got the Hollywood hotties melting at the thought
of going out with me.
That's not the way I remember it.
- Peanut? - What?
You remember my public assist, Elaine?
Yeah.
And, look, if you wanna meet celebrities,
she's THE ONE to talk to.
Hi, it's a pleasure to see you.
Oh, same. And now look, Elaine,
I want to have a celebrity girlfriend now.
I wanna meet one now!
So, who are you looking for?
Someone that's hot and freakin' famous!
Ok, so hot and freaking famous.
Hooot.
Well, who were you thinking at?
The Olsen twins!
Uh?
They're my size.
They're little.
They're little, they kinda look like me too, look!
You'd make a good trio.
Tri..? Awesome!
But no..
What about Brooke Hogan?
Brooke Hogan? The one whose
CD we've been listening to in the car?
"The Redemption".
Available now, in stores everywhere.
That woman sings like an angel,
and she's stacked like two golden towers of flapjacks.
Give it a shot, Elaine.
I can't believe I'm about to
meet Brooke Hogan!
I'm so excited, Jeff.
Just don't be nervous.
How can I not be nervous??
She's so hot and, you know, she's got that big..
personality. And she's so, so exciting!
So exciting!
You just need to calm down and be yourself.
Ok, fine fine fine fine fine, be myself.
D'you have any advice for me?
- Well, tell her a joke. - Oh! A joke!
Ok, good! Ok.
- Two gay guys walk in a bar.. - No.
- Black guys? - No.
- Chinese? - No.
- Jews? - No!
- What?? - Don't do ethnic stuff.
Ok. Ok, ok, ok.
What if I accidentally look at her boobs?
Just.. don't!
No, ok, good.
- That's her car. - Oh, you think so?
Well, good luck buddy.
Hi, Peanut.
Hi Brooke, good to see you.
Good to see you too.
You've been waiting long?
Oh, well, just my entire life.
Eheh, yeah..
Here you go, folks.
Oh, guacamole!
Well, tastes delicious and
feels great smeared all over your body.
Did I said it out loud?
- Yeah, you did. - I'm sorry.
- Well, that's good.
Funny!
Is it good?
So, tell me about your..
That feels weird..
Ok, there's not..
There's not nuts in.. in guacamole? Nah!
I'm fine.
So, your C..
There's definitely nuts in..!
I don't think there's nuts in guacamole.
So tell me about Miami..
-choking-
I love your shoes..
-choking continues-
Oh, God, that is so gross..!
I gotta be honest, Peanut,
I don't think this is gonna work out.
I didn't finish to tell you my joke - cough
There're two black guys..
- Oh, God. ..walking in a mexican..
Greetings!
I'm Achmed.
I understand you're a
virgin..
Nuts?
Peanut, I'm gonna say that didn't go well.
Well, would have if
Achmed hadn't tried to freakin' kill me!
- I got invect though. - What'd you do?
I gave his arm to your chihuahua.
We'll be right back.
And now, "Achmed, the dead terrorist, shares classified information".
You didn't heard from me,
but Owen totally likes you.
This has been "Achmed, the dead terrorist, shares classified information".
So, how're you doing tonight, Bubba J?
I'm hammered!
Bubba J, remember the rule I made
about drinking before a show?
Was it: "Be sure to
drink a buttload before every show"?
Why would I make a rule like that?
'Cause it's the best rule ever!
Let's show everyone what you did yesterday.
When was yesterday?
So, the guys and I have been in Los Angeles for a little while, now
and I just started to get the feeling that
Bubba J was getting kinda homesick.
Yeah. Pretty sad.
So I thought I bring him somewhere
that I knew would make him happy.
A beer barn?
No, look.
Guuuuuuuuuns!
Alright, Bubba J, here's
all the guns that we have to choose from.
God, tell you what, Nolan?
You got some good stuff here. I recognize some
of these from home.
- You do? - Oh, absolutely.
The one up there? I tell you what, that's what we call
"The Squirrel Kill 2000".
- Really? - Yeah.
- What's that? - "Lo Squarciavite".
And what about that one?
Oh, that's called "The Circumciser".
Let's go shoot some guns, Nolan!
Hold on, before you shoot
you have to take a gun-safety course.
Gun-safety course?
Alright, Bubba J, the first rule is
to always keep the gun pointed in a safe direction.
Don't point it at anybody that you like?
No.
Don't point it at anyone at all.
Unless you're gonna kill'em.
You're not gonna kill anybody, today.
This one is a 44 Magnum.
This has a hammer spur
so you can cock it, and shoot it.
- You said "cock". - Or..
You can just pull the trigger without cocking the hammer back.
You said "cock" again.
Ok. So..
You're not such a humour kinda guy. "Cock" is fun.
We're focusing on safety
So, aiming guns at people,
saying the word "cock", things like that..
We're just gonna focus on words like "safety".
Don't aim your cock.
Ok. So let's go.
Are you practicing to get drugs?
My worst nightmare.
A chick with a gun.
Happy Hannukkah, motherf..
I gotta tell you,
I love
your gun.
- Oh, thanks, I love it too. - So, Joe,
what do you do when you ain't shooting guns?
I'm a retired music teacher.
You're a retarded music teacher?
Pardon?
What'd you do before you were a music teacher?
I was an interrogator in Vietnam.
Woah, Vietnam?
- That's right. - Did you make it back?
So, what other hobbies do you have, Joe?
I sing in a choir.
- That's cool. - Yeah.
Two years ago we sang in Carnegie Hall.
I did a show in Carnagie Hall.
Excuse us,
we're talking here.
Ok.
You know, Joe, there's something else I love,
and that's the beer.
Well, Bubba J, I love beer too.
You do?
Guns and beer.
Beer and guns.
You know, Joe, if you didn't have the dong
I'd marry you.
So, Bubba J, you and Joe became great friends.
Yeah, we sure did.
Are you planning to get together again soon?
No, it's over.
What happened?
I saw Joe shooting with another man.
So?
I don't wanna be with a tramp.
Well, Bubba J, our show's almost over.
You're gonna join us next week?
- Where? - On my show.
You have the show?
Congratulations!
Thanks for joining us.
And thanks to Brooke Hogan.
- We'll see you all next week. - Good night!
Next thursday at 9:
How many sexual partners have you had last year?
Counting my wife? That'd be none.
Walter's routine checkup reveals a terrible secret.
- AAAAAAAAAW! - What the hell are you doing here?!
That is Brazilian wax?
The Jeff Dunham Show.
All new next thursday at 9 on Comedy Central.
What do you know about the internet, Walt?
It's a fed.
Jeff Dunham's world goes wild on the web.
Go to comedycentral.com to become one of Jeff's characters.
Get your own Achmed mask and check out all the backstage drama.
Seriously, how gay are you?
Go to comedycentral.com now!