1
00:00:02,702 --> 00:00:06,536
As you know, all faculty at Greendale
are required to give extra credit
2
00:00:06,740 --> 00:00:09,436
to students who organize
academically-related events
3
00:00:09,642 --> 00:00:14,341
during what would otherwise
be known as our "free time."
4
00:00:14,781 --> 00:00:16,578
No student in any department
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00:00:16,783 --> 00:00:20,082
has ever exercised
this option until now.
6
00:00:20,487 --> 00:00:21,476
[CHUCKLES]
7
00:00:23,089 --> 00:00:26,752
Tonight, in the library, I will be hosting
a Día de los Muertos party.
8
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:27,984
[WHISPERING]
Just relax, just relax.
9
00:00:28,194 --> 00:00:31,220
Día de los Muertos,
or Day of the Dead,
10
00:00:31,431 --> 00:00:33,899
is sometimes referred to
as Mexican Halloween.
11
00:00:34,100 --> 00:00:35,727
[IN NORMAL TONE] Which is
actually quite offensive
12
00:00:35,935 --> 00:00:39,462
to people familiar with Mexican
Halloween as a sexual position.
13
00:00:39,672 --> 00:00:42,004
At any rate, if you show up,
you get extra credit.
14
00:00:42,542 --> 00:00:44,942
Me, I don't even get paid.
15
00:00:45,145 --> 00:00:46,373
See you tonight.
16
00:00:46,579 --> 00:00:47,568
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
17
00:00:47,781 --> 00:00:49,749
[ALL SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
18
00:00:50,683 --> 00:00:51,877
Um, heh, heh.
19
00:00:52,285 --> 00:00:57,018
Most of you responded to my Evite,
but some of you remain evasive, so...
20
00:00:57,223 --> 00:00:59,589
Count me in.
This is my first college party.
21
00:00:59,793 --> 00:01:01,192
I got some tequila,
22
00:01:01,394 --> 00:01:04,420
and I just rented Van Wilder 2:
The Rise of Taj, and look.
23
00:01:04,631 --> 00:01:06,428
Shirley,
you took off your wedding ring.
24
00:01:06,633 --> 00:01:08,225
My husband's been gone
for six months.
25
00:01:08,435 --> 00:01:10,733
So I think it's time for me
to embrace being single.
26
00:01:10,937 --> 00:01:12,097
Message received.
27
00:01:12,806 --> 00:01:14,899
I'm still waiting to hear
from Jeff and Pierce.
28
00:01:15,108 --> 00:01:18,373
Oh, I thought I shot you a response
from this pocket phone here.
29
00:01:18,578 --> 00:01:19,840
Access e-mail.
30
00:01:20,046 --> 00:01:22,674
You're not going to Annie's party?
Oh, I have a conflict.
31
00:01:22,882 --> 00:01:24,816
It conflicts with
the enjoyment of my life.
32
00:01:25,018 --> 00:01:27,646
I cannot figure out the voice
command part of this thing.
33
00:01:27,854 --> 00:01:29,412
It's like I'm my mother.
34
00:01:29,622 --> 00:01:32,489
VOICE [ON PHONE]: Calling mother.
What?
35
00:01:32,892 --> 00:01:35,292
Speaking of enjoying life, I don't
wanna beat a dead horse here,
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00:01:35,495 --> 00:01:39,431
but are you sure you don't see anything
non-platonic ever crystallizing between us?
37
00:01:39,899 --> 00:01:40,991
I'm sure.
Okay, good.
38
00:01:41,201 --> 00:01:44,068
Because one of my professors is really hot.
And I wanted to give you first right of refusal.
39
00:01:44,270 --> 00:01:45,567
WOMAN [OVER SPEAKERPHONE]:
Hello? Pierce?
40
00:01:45,772 --> 00:01:47,399
Mom?
How's school going?
41
00:01:47,607 --> 00:01:49,336
Are you popular?
42
00:01:49,542 --> 00:01:51,703
I am headed through a tunnel
right now.
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00:01:51,911 --> 00:01:53,879
[STAMMERING]
44
00:01:54,514 --> 00:01:55,503
Wrong number.
45
00:01:55,715 --> 00:01:57,876
WOMAN: Has that boy Jeff
stopped teasing you?
46
00:01:58,084 --> 00:02:00,245
How's your Canadian girlfriend?
47
00:02:00,453 --> 00:02:02,114
[THUDDING]
48
00:02:02,322 --> 00:02:05,155
I saw your father's ghost again.
He's still angry.
49
00:02:05,358 --> 00:02:07,326
[THE 88'S "AT LEAST
IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]
50
00:02:32,385 --> 00:02:35,013
The Bernoulli Distribution
is the number of successes
51
00:02:35,221 --> 00:02:39,487
in a sequence of
independent yes-no experiments.
52
00:02:39,692 --> 00:02:44,026
Okay. For the quiz Monday
brush up on chapters three and four.
53
00:02:47,367 --> 00:02:48,800
JEFF:
Bernoulli's one of my favorites.
54
00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:51,402
Little known fact,
statistics were not his only love.
55
00:02:51,604 --> 00:02:54,334
He's famous for his French sauce
used on meat and poultry.
56
00:02:54,541 --> 00:02:55,508
That's béarnaise.
57
00:02:55,708 --> 00:02:57,403
We may need to settle this
at a restaurant.
58
00:02:57,610 --> 00:02:58,634
That's cute.
59
00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:03,214
A little aggressive. But as a busy, confident woman
of authority I'm attracted to men who take charge.
60
00:03:03,416 --> 00:03:05,077
You being sarcastic
or am I nailing it?
61
00:03:05,285 --> 00:03:07,378
You were nailing it
until you had to ask.
62
00:03:07,587 --> 00:03:09,020
Oh, damn it. Starting over.
63
00:03:09,222 --> 00:03:12,123
Hey, you in the skirt, date me.
I'd like to, Mr. Winger.
64
00:03:12,325 --> 00:03:13,485
You're tall, dress nice.
65
00:03:13,693 --> 00:03:16,253
I've graded enough of your tests to know
I'd never feel mentally inadequate.
66
00:03:16,462 --> 00:03:19,488
Thank you.
Only problem, I don't date students.
67
00:03:19,699 --> 00:03:21,667
[###]
68
00:03:22,702 --> 00:03:23,930
JEFF:
You know, if you agree to go...
69
00:03:24,137 --> 00:03:25,832
Oh. Hey. Awkward.
70
00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:27,370
How small is this campus?
71
00:03:27,574 --> 00:03:28,700
Bastard.
72
00:03:28,908 --> 00:03:30,068
It's fine, I don't care.
73
00:03:30,276 --> 00:03:31,743
It's disgusting
the way men behave.
74
00:03:31,945 --> 00:03:35,210
You ever see that Katherine Heigl movie poster,
where Gerard Butler had that heart over his wiener?
75
00:03:35,415 --> 00:03:36,439
That resonated with me.
76
00:03:36,649 --> 00:03:39,550
Okay, fine. But just to repeat,
I don't care what Jeff does.
77
00:03:39,752 --> 00:03:40,980
Bastard.
78
00:03:41,187 --> 00:03:43,951
I'm barely a student.
I'm older than you, I drive a Lexus.
79
00:03:44,157 --> 00:03:46,785
I saw Ghost Busters in the theater.
Look, my gums are receding.
80
00:03:46,993 --> 00:03:49,359
It's uncanny how many of
my buttons you're finding,
81
00:03:49,562 --> 00:03:51,587
but I have a personal rule
about this and I stick to it.
82
00:03:51,798 --> 00:03:53,925
Have a cup of coffee with me,
I can change your mind.
83
00:03:54,133 --> 00:03:56,761
I know you can. That's why
you're not getting the chance.
84
00:03:57,704 --> 00:04:00,366
Ooh-hoo, ooh-hoo.
85
00:04:01,341 --> 00:04:04,833
Are you coming to my party?
I'm definitely gonna try to swing by.
86
00:04:05,044 --> 00:04:06,909
Then I can mark you down
as definitely being there
87
00:04:07,113 --> 00:04:08,944
from 7:00 sharp
until question mark?
88
00:04:09,148 --> 00:04:11,013
Here's the thing...
No, here's the thing.
89
00:04:11,217 --> 00:04:13,242
I am putting my foot down,
do you understand?
90
00:04:13,453 --> 00:04:16,513
I am being assertive,
and I am making eye contact,
91
00:04:16,723 --> 00:04:20,056
and it is achieving results.
Trying to get formidable with me?
92
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:22,728
It worked on Pierce.
Infomercials work on Pierce.
93
00:04:23,162 --> 00:04:25,960
Jeff, you're the cool guy, okay?
94
00:04:26,165 --> 00:04:28,759
If you show up,
it will be the first party I host
95
00:04:28,968 --> 00:04:31,801
where everyone doesn't say they need
to get home in time for the news.
96
00:04:32,005 --> 00:04:33,267
[SOBBING]
97
00:04:33,473 --> 00:04:34,462
This won't work.
98
00:04:34,974 --> 00:04:37,101
The last time you did this,
I saved a vial of your tears.
99
00:04:37,310 --> 00:04:38,572
And I've been slowly
building up an immunity.
100
00:04:38,778 --> 00:04:40,473
I was so unpopular in high school,
101
00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:43,410
the crossing guard
used to lure me into traffic.
102
00:04:44,183 --> 00:04:46,276
This party is a second chance
103
00:04:46,486 --> 00:04:50,582
at being hip, cool,
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00:04:51,758 --> 00:04:53,350
laid-back.
105
00:04:54,761 --> 00:04:57,958
Look, I will come to your party.
Thank you.
106
00:04:58,164 --> 00:05:01,565
I'm putting you down for two bags
of ice and a sleeve of paper cups.
107
00:05:01,768 --> 00:05:03,895
[###]
108
00:05:16,382 --> 00:05:18,043
Taking a pill?
109
00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:21,810
Yes, I am.
"Xenolovaden."
110
00:05:22,021 --> 00:05:23,215
My grandpa took that
around your age.
111
00:05:23,423 --> 00:05:25,857
Fantastic.
Helped him with his going problem.
112
00:05:26,059 --> 00:05:28,721
By the time Grandpa got up in years, his
memory wasn't great. He'd mix the wrong pills.
113
00:05:28,928 --> 00:05:30,919
You know how old people are.
Heard stories about it.
114
00:05:31,130 --> 00:05:33,655
One time he started hallucinating and
ran down the street with no pants on,
115
00:05:33,866 --> 00:05:37,199
which in the Gaza Strip is considered a real
party foul so you should probably be careful.
116
00:05:37,403 --> 00:05:40,702
Look, I really don't need your advice,
and I'm not your pantsless grandpa.
117
00:05:40,907 --> 00:05:43,740
Heh. "Pantsless grandpa."
Heh, heh.
118
00:05:45,278 --> 00:05:47,246
[FOLK MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]
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ANNIE:
Scary.
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00:05:50,516 --> 00:05:52,507
You look great.
121
00:05:52,719 --> 00:05:54,118
ANNIE:
Hi.
122
00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:55,844
Britta,
123
00:05:56,055 --> 00:05:57,818
you look adorable.
Thank you.
124
00:05:58,024 --> 00:06:01,551
I hate when women use Halloween as an
excuse to dress up like sluts, you know?
125
00:06:01,761 --> 00:06:03,456
Yeah.
126
00:06:04,330 --> 00:06:06,525
Okay, everyone.
127
00:06:06,733 --> 00:06:07,927
I think we can begin.
128
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:12,737
I've got everyone's personalized
cookie tombstones, por tradición.
129
00:06:13,239 --> 00:06:16,675
And, in a few minutes we're going
to start the Dance of the Dead,
130
00:06:16,876 --> 00:06:18,605
La Danza de los Muertos.
131
00:06:18,811 --> 00:06:21,939
You don't have to keep doing that.
Party on.
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00:06:28,755 --> 00:06:31,781
Nice of you to be here, I'm sure you'd
rather be out with your hot professor.
133
00:06:31,991 --> 00:06:33,754
Well, it's funny.
I enrolled here as a selfish Ioner.
134
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:36,258
But you and the group have given
me a crash course in friendship.
135
00:06:36,462 --> 00:06:38,293
She blew you off, huh?
She's grading papers.
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00:06:38,498 --> 00:06:39,487
CHANG:
Professor Slater?
137
00:06:39,699 --> 00:06:42,759
She's not grading papers, she's at
the faculty party in the cafeteria.
138
00:06:42,969 --> 00:06:45,699
Oh, look. It's the
eavesdropping matador.
139
00:06:45,905 --> 00:06:47,805
Are you saying
my people are sneaky?
140
00:06:48,007 --> 00:06:49,235
What?
141
00:06:49,442 --> 00:06:51,376
[IN DEEP HUSKY VOICE] There is a
storm building on the horizon,
142
00:06:51,577 --> 00:06:53,135
but you and I
will save the night.
143
00:06:53,346 --> 00:06:55,871
Chex mix, pretzels,
baby carrots.
144
00:06:56,082 --> 00:06:58,243
Predictable but appetizing.
145
00:07:00,119 --> 00:07:01,108
TROY: Hey.
Hey.
146
00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:04,118
Can I ask you something that I
always wanted to ask real Batman?
147
00:07:05,391 --> 00:07:08,383
Am I good-looking?
You're a very attractive young man.
148
00:07:08,594 --> 00:07:10,152
I knew it.
149
00:07:13,332 --> 00:07:15,459
Let's get this party started.
150
00:07:15,668 --> 00:07:16,794
BRITTA:
Who are you?
151
00:07:17,003 --> 00:07:18,903
I am the Beastmaster.
152
00:07:20,373 --> 00:07:22,773
From the movie, Beastmaster.
153
00:07:23,676 --> 00:07:25,735
What rock
have you been living under?
154
00:07:25,945 --> 00:07:28,243
What are you going as?
A gay douche bag?
155
00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:29,779
Just kidding.
Nice one.
156
00:07:29,982 --> 00:07:31,074
I'm not much of a costume guy.
157
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:33,377
You're not much of
a liking-ladies guy either.
158
00:07:33,586 --> 00:07:35,520
Oh. Body blow.
159
00:07:35,721 --> 00:07:37,382
Is that liquor?
160
00:07:38,491 --> 00:07:40,015
[IN ENGLISH ACCENT] Hello.
Here's your drinks, mates.
161
00:07:40,226 --> 00:07:41,591
JEFF:
Oh. Thanks, Urkel.
162
00:07:41,794 --> 00:07:43,091
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I'm Harry Potter.
163
00:07:43,296 --> 00:07:45,992
Really?
What up, Urkel?
164
00:07:47,366 --> 00:07:49,334
[###]
165
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:56,741
Hey.
166
00:07:57,810 --> 00:08:00,643
All right. What are you taking?
167
00:08:00,847 --> 00:08:01,836
Huh? Oh.
168
00:08:02,048 --> 00:08:03,845
You know, the usual cool stuff.
169
00:08:04,050 --> 00:08:08,111
I've got ludes, dreamers,
Johnny Boys.
170
00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:09,310
Tell you what, I'll...
171
00:08:09,522 --> 00:08:12,719
I'll trade you one of mine
for two of yours.
172
00:08:13,659 --> 00:08:15,092
I don't know, Star-Burns, I'm...
173
00:08:15,294 --> 00:08:18,024
Oh, sorry. I thought I was
dealing with the Beastmaster.
174
00:08:18,231 --> 00:08:21,860
Hey. Who said you weren't?
Heh, heh, heh.
175
00:08:22,068 --> 00:08:24,127
Saddle up, fruit pie.
176
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:26,532
Don't mind if I do. May I?
177
00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:29,135
CHANG:
Here, take this.
178
00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:31,173
Give anyone that shows up
their stupid credit.
179
00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:33,479
You going to the faculty party?
Make me your plus one.
180
00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:37,581
Give it up, Winger.
Professor Slater doesn't date students.
181
00:08:37,783 --> 00:08:40,718
Or married Asians
who drive mopeds.
182
00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:42,683
I'll give you 20 bucks.
183
00:08:43,789 --> 00:08:45,654
I'll bring the hog around.
184
00:08:57,336 --> 00:09:00,533
Okay, it's time for
the Dance of the Dead.
185
00:09:00,740 --> 00:09:02,401
Everyone form a circle.
186
00:09:02,608 --> 00:09:05,042
Lights. Music.
187
00:09:05,244 --> 00:09:07,769
Is it under genre
or on a specific play list?
188
00:09:08,748 --> 00:09:11,683
Hey, man, what'd you slip me?
189
00:09:11,884 --> 00:09:14,318
I keep grinding my teeth
and I wanna kiss everybody.
190
00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:15,987
What did you slip me, man?
191
00:09:16,188 --> 00:09:19,055
My heart stopped racing
and I can't pee.
192
00:09:19,258 --> 00:09:21,089
Now, for the first dance,
193
00:09:21,294 --> 00:09:24,229
I would like to invite
a very special guest to the floor.
194
00:09:24,430 --> 00:09:25,863
Jeff Winger?
195
00:09:26,065 --> 00:09:27,692
[FOLK MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]
196
00:09:30,636 --> 00:09:31,933
Jeff?
197
00:09:32,138 --> 00:09:33,628
Where's Jeff?
198
00:09:33,839 --> 00:09:35,966
Please slow down.
199
00:09:36,175 --> 00:09:37,938
Please.
Stop crying, Winger.
200
00:09:38,144 --> 00:09:39,975
JEFF:
Watch it!
201
00:09:40,513 --> 00:09:42,242
Is Jeff gone?
202
00:09:43,449 --> 00:09:45,974
You know, I'm gonna go.
I don't wanna miss the news.
203
00:09:46,185 --> 00:09:47,277
News.
204
00:09:48,654 --> 00:09:51,282
He just stepped out.
He's gonna be right back.
205
00:09:53,926 --> 00:09:55,917
He's going to
the faculty party.
206
00:09:56,128 --> 00:09:58,426
To be with Professor Short Skirt?
We hate her.
207
00:09:58,631 --> 00:10:00,622
No, it's not about her,
Shirley.
208
00:10:00,833 --> 00:10:02,892
I can't believe that
Jeff would do this to Annie.
209
00:10:03,102 --> 00:10:05,229
Yes, absolutely, it's about Annie.
210
00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:08,703
We should go find that bitch's car
and snap off her antenna.
211
00:10:08,908 --> 00:10:09,897
[###]
212
00:10:10,109 --> 00:10:11,804
It's like high school all over again.
213
00:10:12,011 --> 00:10:14,070
Everyone's leaving.
214
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:15,941
Not me.
215
00:10:16,148 --> 00:10:18,673
I can do this all night.
216
00:10:19,418 --> 00:10:21,579
I love you.
217
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:27,593
[CHATTERING]
218
00:10:27,793 --> 00:10:29,488
[BIG-BAND MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]
219
00:10:31,063 --> 00:10:32,325
There you go, pretty lady.
220
00:10:32,531 --> 00:10:35,193
What are you doing here?
Showing you my non-student side.
221
00:10:35,401 --> 00:10:37,562
I have to admit, this
outfit is doing it for me.
222
00:10:37,770 --> 00:10:40,500
I may or may not have been deflowered
by a junior rodeo champion.
223
00:10:40,706 --> 00:10:42,264
You remind me
of my first time too.
224
00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:44,136
You lost your virginity
to Robin Hood?
225
00:10:44,343 --> 00:10:45,935
No, with an attractive woman
at a party.
226
00:10:46,145 --> 00:10:47,772
We seem destined to repeat history.
227
00:10:47,980 --> 00:10:51,882
I told you, no students. It's unseemly.
I go out with you, you tell your friends.
228
00:10:52,084 --> 00:10:55,679
What friends? I have no friends,
I hate everyone here but you.
229
00:10:55,888 --> 00:10:57,753
Hey.
What are you doing here?
230
00:10:57,957 --> 00:11:01,484
What are you doing here?
You should be over at the library with Annie.
231
00:11:01,694 --> 00:11:05,152
Whoa. Yippee ki-yay.
232
00:11:05,364 --> 00:11:07,992
Thought you weren't a costume guy.
Had to have one to get in, squirrel.
233
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:09,462
Oh. So where did you get it?
234
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:12,467
I wouldn't think any costume
stores would be open this late.
235
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:14,401
I don't know
what you're getting at.
236
00:11:14,607 --> 00:11:17,235
The words you're looking for are,
"I own a cowboy outfit."
237
00:11:17,443 --> 00:11:19,741
And it is tight too.
Did you buy it like that?
238
00:11:19,945 --> 00:11:21,845
Your toy gun to my head,
I'd say yes.
239
00:11:22,048 --> 00:11:23,845
Hi, Michelle Slater, PhD.
240
00:11:24,050 --> 00:11:26,746
Britta Perry, GED.
Oh, are you a classmate of Jeff's?
241
00:11:26,952 --> 00:11:30,080
When you say classmate, it sounds like
we take naps together and eat paste.
242
00:11:30,289 --> 00:11:32,018
What's great about
community college is
243
00:11:32,224 --> 00:11:35,193
is that a lot of the students
are as mature as the teachers.
244
00:11:35,394 --> 00:11:37,658
Jeff, you must return
to Annie's party.
245
00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:38,989
She's feeling unpopular.
246
00:11:39,198 --> 00:11:41,598
Jeff, Pierce took something
and he is tripping balls.
247
00:11:41,801 --> 00:11:43,996
He's touching people
and dancing weird.
248
00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:46,194
It's like Grumpy Old Men,
but not hilarious.
249
00:11:46,405 --> 00:11:50,501
Okay. Guys, I'm at a grown-up
Halloween party, all right?
250
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:51,904
You're all being unseemly.
251
00:11:52,111 --> 00:11:54,272
Oh, no.
How are we unseemly?
252
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:58,576
Why is Urkel ripping the antenna
off Professor Slater's car?
253
00:11:59,852 --> 00:12:01,683
That's right, Professor Slim Calves.
254
00:12:01,887 --> 00:12:04,913
This is what you get when
you steal Jeff from a good woman.
255
00:12:08,828 --> 00:12:10,318
No, Abed.
256
00:12:10,529 --> 00:12:12,190
[LAUGHING]
257
00:12:12,498 --> 00:12:14,261
[PIERCE MUMBLING
INDISTINCTLY]
258
00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:17,035
[MEOWING]
259
00:12:19,939 --> 00:12:22,464
Is he meowing?
Yeah.
260
00:12:22,675 --> 00:12:24,802
Enough.
I want you guys out of here.
261
00:12:25,010 --> 00:12:27,501
Britta, I don't care about
your high school soap opera.
262
00:12:27,713 --> 00:12:29,203
Abed, you're not Batman.
263
00:12:30,349 --> 00:12:32,442
Pierce, Pierce, Pierce.
264
00:12:32,651 --> 00:12:34,846
Stop grinding on
the Women's Studies department.
265
00:12:35,054 --> 00:12:36,453
You are too old to be tripping.
266
00:12:37,523 --> 00:12:38,751
I'm old?
267
00:12:39,959 --> 00:12:41,017
What do you mean old?
268
00:12:41,227 --> 00:12:42,524
[CHUCKLES]
269
00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:46,523
Who's hands are these?
270
00:12:47,099 --> 00:12:49,067
[GROANING]
271
00:12:49,502 --> 00:12:50,491
Stop me.
272
00:12:50,936 --> 00:12:52,335
Way to go.
273
00:12:52,538 --> 00:12:55,530
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I know I'm not Batman.
You could try not being a jerk.
274
00:12:56,075 --> 00:12:57,975
She's pretty hot.
275
00:13:00,479 --> 00:13:02,947
Well, where were we,
little doggie?
276
00:13:03,149 --> 00:13:05,344
Unseemly.
Yeah, crap.
277
00:13:05,551 --> 00:13:07,519
[THUDDING
AND GLASS BREAKING]
278
00:13:10,923 --> 00:13:12,481
BRITTA:
Shirley?
279
00:13:13,325 --> 00:13:15,293
[GRUNTING]
280
00:13:17,196 --> 00:13:18,663
Shirley?
281
00:13:18,864 --> 00:13:20,525
This is
Professor Robin Hood's office.
282
00:13:20,733 --> 00:13:21,927
What are you doing?
283
00:13:22,134 --> 00:13:24,034
Putting this hose in her desk.
You turn the water on.
284
00:13:24,236 --> 00:13:25,260
Why?
285
00:13:25,471 --> 00:13:27,837
To teach that long neck,
weave-having bank teller
286
00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:30,668
she can't steal another
woman's man, that's why.
287
00:13:31,277 --> 00:13:32,574
Uh...
288
00:13:35,414 --> 00:13:36,779
I have a confession to make.
289
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:41,150
I think some of what I just said may
have more to do with my situation.
290
00:13:41,353 --> 00:13:45,050
Yeah, the long neck, weave-having
bank teller didn't feel universal.
291
00:13:45,257 --> 00:13:50,695
My ex-husband came by this morning,
and he asked for his ring back.
292
00:13:51,230 --> 00:13:52,219
It was his mother's,
293
00:13:52,431 --> 00:13:53,989
and he wants to give it
to his new girlfriend.
294
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:55,292
[###]
295
00:13:55,501 --> 00:13:57,230
Shirley, that sucks.
296
00:13:57,436 --> 00:14:00,166
The best thing that ever
happened to me was him leaving.
297
00:14:00,372 --> 00:14:02,306
I just always thought
he'd come crawling back,
298
00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:04,703
and I'd get to tell him to go to hell.
299
00:14:05,344 --> 00:14:06,777
[CRYING]
300
00:14:06,979 --> 00:14:09,038
He couldn't even give me that.
301
00:14:10,082 --> 00:14:11,674
You know what the crazy thing is?
302
00:14:12,284 --> 00:14:13,808
Everything you've done tonight?
303
00:14:14,653 --> 00:14:15,950
[CHUCKLES]
304
00:14:17,022 --> 00:14:19,183
It's like I was too proud
to admit I was hurt,
305
00:14:19,391 --> 00:14:21,689
so I had to pretend that you were.
306
00:14:21,894 --> 00:14:23,919
I totally get that.
307
00:14:24,129 --> 00:14:26,063
I feel better now.
308
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,493
Let's go check on Annie.
309
00:14:33,038 --> 00:14:35,563
Can you believe
I targeted this poor lady?
310
00:14:35,774 --> 00:14:38,675
Look at all these awards,
I bet she's nice.
311
00:14:39,144 --> 00:14:40,543
BRITTA:
Yeah.
312
00:14:41,313 --> 00:14:43,747
Nice and pretentious.
313
00:14:46,085 --> 00:14:48,451
[DISTORTED FOLK MUSIC
PLAYING]
314
00:14:53,592 --> 00:14:54,718
Pierce, are you okay?
315
00:14:54,927 --> 00:14:56,258
[LAUGHING
IN DISTORTED VOICE]
316
00:14:56,462 --> 00:14:58,430
Hey, man, what's going on?
317
00:14:58,631 --> 00:15:00,963
You have a full-on erection.
318
00:15:01,166 --> 00:15:02,690
Just relax. Relax, man.
319
00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:05,370
Just relax. Just relax, okay?
320
00:15:08,407 --> 00:15:10,102
JEFF:
You are too old to be tripping.
321
00:15:11,710 --> 00:15:12,699
[SCREAMS]
322
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:14,379
SKULL [IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]:
You're going to die.
323
00:15:15,514 --> 00:15:16,947
JEFF:
You are too old to be tripping.
324
00:15:17,683 --> 00:15:19,708
Tell me about The Beatles, Pierce.
325
00:15:20,119 --> 00:15:23,987
Tell me about Woodstock
and sputnik, Pierce.
326
00:15:24,423 --> 00:15:25,651
[YELLS]
327
00:15:25,858 --> 00:15:27,826
[LAUGHING]
328
00:15:29,161 --> 00:15:31,129
[CRYING]
329
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:35,901
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]
330
00:15:37,970 --> 00:15:39,369
CHANG:
Do I feel a breeze here?
331
00:15:39,571 --> 00:15:41,505
Because someone
just struck out.
332
00:15:41,707 --> 00:15:42,833
She blew you off too, Chang.
333
00:15:43,042 --> 00:15:45,806
Heh, heh, heh.
Is that what you have to fall back on?
334
00:15:46,011 --> 00:15:47,569
Look at me, bro. Look at me.
335
00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:50,044
I've got the body of
a fifth grader, okay?
336
00:15:50,249 --> 00:15:51,841
If I was working
with what you've got,
337
00:15:52,051 --> 00:15:55,282
she'd be at the Comfort Inn right
now giving me a Mexican Halloween.
338
00:15:55,487 --> 00:15:57,580
It's this campus.
It feeds on my coolness.
339
00:15:57,790 --> 00:15:59,087
I got no moves anymore.
340
00:15:59,291 --> 00:16:02,954
Moves? Everything's
a game to guys like you.
341
00:16:03,162 --> 00:16:06,620
I know one move I bet you've
never tried in your life.
342
00:16:06,832 --> 00:16:08,390
What is it?
343
00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:19,701
Please sleep with me. Please.
344
00:16:19,912 --> 00:16:22,039
Pretty please. I'm so lonely.
345
00:16:22,247 --> 00:16:25,705
I haven't slept with anyone in a very
long time, and you're so good-looking.
346
00:16:25,918 --> 00:16:28,614
Please do me the favor
of having sex with me.
347
00:16:33,726 --> 00:16:36,490
Okay. Stay three steps behind
and promise you won't tell anybody.
348
00:16:36,695 --> 00:16:39,664
I promise. I promise.
349
00:16:52,211 --> 00:16:54,736
PIERCE:
Everybody stay out of the library.
350
00:16:54,947 --> 00:16:57,575
Pierce, it's okay.
Come out of there.
351
00:16:57,783 --> 00:16:59,341
PIERCE:
No, I'm not ready to die.
352
00:16:59,551 --> 00:17:01,041
BRITTA:
You're not gonna die. Look at me.
353
00:17:01,253 --> 00:17:03,517
Just keep walking.
Don't make eye contact.
354
00:17:03,722 --> 00:17:06,054
Jeff, Jeff, Jeff.
355
00:17:06,258 --> 00:17:08,249
Pierce is freaking out.
You're the only one that can help.
356
00:17:08,761 --> 00:17:09,921
What makes you think that?
357
00:17:10,129 --> 00:17:12,222
PIERCE: Is Jeff there?
He's the only one who can help.
358
00:17:12,431 --> 00:17:15,594
He says he's gonna kill himself
but he doesn't want us to call 911
359
00:17:15,801 --> 00:17:19,168
because he doesn't wanna
get in trouble for taking drugs.
360
00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:24,100
I can't believe I'm doing this.
361
00:17:25,811 --> 00:17:27,540
I, uh...
362
00:17:28,781 --> 00:17:31,944
I think I have to say good night.
363
00:17:32,151 --> 00:17:35,279
Are you, like, a court appointed
guardian for these people?
364
00:17:35,487 --> 00:17:37,921
No. Heh. Um...
365
00:17:38,123 --> 00:17:39,522
They're my classmates.
366
00:17:40,025 --> 00:17:41,890
Good night, Jeff.
367
00:17:42,995 --> 00:17:44,792
[###]
368
00:17:47,366 --> 00:17:49,698
CHANG:
Loser.
369
00:17:52,337 --> 00:17:54,305
[###]
370
00:17:57,810 --> 00:18:00,404
What in the Pink Floyd?
371
00:18:00,612 --> 00:18:04,241
PIERCE: I'm gonna crush myself to
death with desks and tables, Jeff.
372
00:18:04,450 --> 00:18:06,509
Is that a death
befitting a beastmaster?
373
00:18:06,718 --> 00:18:10,154
PIERCE: I never saw Beastmaster
, I just wanted to be cool.
374
00:18:10,823 --> 00:18:12,984
I'm coming in there, Pierce.
375
00:18:13,192 --> 00:18:15,160
[###]
376
00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:18,897
[DESKS & CHAIRS CREAKING]
377
00:18:20,632 --> 00:18:24,227
Those floating Mexican skeletons were right.
My life is over.
378
00:18:24,436 --> 00:18:28,896
Well, when we go to floating
skeletons with our problems,
379
00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:32,441
we get what we pay for,
don't we?
380
00:18:34,046 --> 00:18:35,172
I'm old, Jeff.
381
00:18:36,048 --> 00:18:38,744
Pierce, I don't know how
you spent the first 60 years,
382
00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:40,748
but I know
in the last two months,
383
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:43,183
you've probably doubled
the national average
384
00:18:43,388 --> 00:18:45,754
for amount of life lived
per lifetime.
385
00:18:47,226 --> 00:18:50,354
Well, I do have
a young African American friend.
386
00:18:50,562 --> 00:18:54,396
Yeah, and more importantly,
you're dressed like a gladiator
387
00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:57,125
in a desk fort
that you built during a bad trip.
388
00:18:57,536 --> 00:19:00,869
If life is just a series of
ridiculous attempts to be alive,
389
00:19:02,107 --> 00:19:04,439
you're a hero to everything
that's ever lived.
390
00:19:05,677 --> 00:19:08,009
Yeah?
Yeah.
391
00:19:08,213 --> 00:19:09,976
Yeah.
392
00:19:13,485 --> 00:19:14,782
[ALL GASP]
393
00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:16,921
[###]
394
00:19:29,735 --> 00:19:30,793
Batman?
395
00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:31,992
[IN DEEP HUSKY VOICE] Yeah.
396
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:35,470
Are you staying for the party?
397
00:19:35,941 --> 00:19:39,502
If I stay there can be no party.
398
00:19:41,813 --> 00:19:45,374
I must be out there in the night,
staying vigilant.
399
00:19:46,151 --> 00:19:50,520
Wherever a party needs
to be saved, I'm there.
400
00:19:50,956 --> 00:19:54,357
Wherever there are masks,
wherever there's tomfoolery and joy,
401
00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:56,255
I'm there.
402
00:19:58,730 --> 00:19:59,788
But sometimes I'm not
403
00:19:59,998 --> 00:20:03,331
because I'm out in the night,
staying vigilant, watching.
404
00:20:03,535 --> 00:20:08,598
Lurking, running, jumping,
hurdling, sleeping.
405
00:20:08,807 --> 00:20:09,967
No, I can't sleep.
406
00:20:10,175 --> 00:20:12,075
You sleep. I'm awake.
407
00:20:12,277 --> 00:20:14,745
I don't sleep, I don't blink.
408
00:20:15,113 --> 00:20:16,910
Am I a bird? No.
409
00:20:17,115 --> 00:20:18,810
I'm a bat.
410
00:20:19,651 --> 00:20:21,619
I am Batman.
411
00:20:21,820 --> 00:20:22,946
Or am I?
412
00:20:24,556 --> 00:20:26,649
Yes, I am Batman.
413
00:20:28,927 --> 00:20:30,417
Happy Halloween.
414
00:20:33,665 --> 00:20:34,723
[IN NASAL VOICE] I'm Batman.
415
00:20:34,933 --> 00:20:35,865
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
You sound like Cookie Monster.
416
00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:37,057
[IN DEEP HUSKY VOICE]
I'm Batman.
417
00:20:37,269 --> 00:20:38,463
[IN DEEP HUSKY VOICE]
That's Batman.
418
00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:41,096
Candy corn
looks like tiny traffic cones.
419
00:20:41,306 --> 00:20:42,739
Yeah, it sure does.
420
00:20:42,941 --> 00:20:44,533
At, like, a candy traffic school.
421
00:20:45,677 --> 00:20:48,942
Like a little gingerbread man
at the wheel, and he's drunk.
422
00:20:49,147 --> 00:20:50,614
Look out.
We driving.
423
00:20:50,816 --> 00:20:53,046
Yeah, but you keep wanting
to eat yourself.
424
00:20:53,285 --> 00:20:54,274
All day.
425
00:20:54,486 --> 00:20:55,885
That's one of my biggest fears.
426
00:20:56,088 --> 00:20:58,784
What is?
If I ever, like, woke up as a doughnut.
427
00:20:58,991 --> 00:21:01,221
You would eat yourself.
I wouldn't even question it.
428
00:21:01,426 --> 00:21:03,257
Mm. That would be tasty.
429
00:21:03,462 --> 00:21:06,590
It's cool to know other people
think about this stuff too.
430
00:21:07,032 --> 00:21:08,226
Yeah.
431
00:21:08,867 --> 00:21:09,856
Yeah.