1 00:00:01,914 --> 00:00:02,861 As you know, 2 00:00:02,986 --> 00:00:05,797 all faculty at Greendale are required to give extra credit 3 00:00:05,922 --> 00:00:08,833 to students who organize academically-related events 4 00:00:08,958 --> 00:00:12,716 during what would otherwise be known as our "free time". 5 00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:17,266 No student in any department has ever exercised this option. 6 00:00:18,295 --> 00:00:19,184 Until now. 7 00:00:22,373 --> 00:00:23,682 Tonight in the library, 8 00:00:23,807 --> 00:00:26,453 I will be hosting a día de los muertos party. 9 00:00:26,578 --> 00:00:28,819 - Relax. - Día de los muertos, 10 00:00:29,124 --> 00:00:30,655 or day of the dead, 11 00:00:30,780 --> 00:00:33,324 is sometimes referred to as Mexican Halloween. 12 00:00:33,449 --> 00:00:35,590 Which is quite offensive to people familiar 13 00:00:35,715 --> 00:00:37,870 with "Mexican Halloween" as a sexual position. 14 00:00:38,925 --> 00:00:41,699 At any rate, if you show up, you get extra credit. 15 00:00:41,824 --> 00:00:43,857 Me, I don't even get paid. 16 00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:45,740 See you tonight. 17 00:00:51,580 --> 00:00:55,570 Most of you responded to my e-vite, but some of you remain "e-vasive", 18 00:00:55,805 --> 00:00:57,382 - so... - Count me in. 19 00:00:57,507 --> 00:00:59,725 This is my first college party. I got some tequila, 20 00:01:00,009 --> 00:01:02,442 and I just rented Van Wilder 2: The Rise Of Taj, 21 00:01:02,567 --> 00:01:03,562 and look. 22 00:01:03,952 --> 00:01:07,467 - You took off your wedding ring. - My husband's been gone for 6 months, 23 00:01:07,592 --> 00:01:09,860 so I think it's time for me to embrace being single. 24 00:01:10,178 --> 00:01:11,236 Message received. 25 00:01:12,003 --> 00:01:14,031 Still waiting to hear from Jeff and Pierce. 26 00:01:14,258 --> 00:01:17,748 I thought I'd shout you a response from this pocket phone here. 27 00:01:17,873 --> 00:01:20,370 - Access email. - You're not going to Annie's party? 28 00:01:20,798 --> 00:01:23,956 I have a conflict. With the enjoyment of my life. 29 00:01:24,233 --> 00:01:26,377 I cannot figure out the voice command part 30 00:01:26,502 --> 00:01:28,846 of this thing. It's like I'm my mother. 31 00:01:28,971 --> 00:01:30,351 Calling mother. 32 00:01:31,464 --> 00:01:33,418 - What? - Speaking of enjoying life, 33 00:01:33,543 --> 00:01:35,196 I don't wannabe at a dead horse here, 34 00:01:35,321 --> 00:01:37,789 but are you sure you don't see anything non-platonic 35 00:01:37,914 --> 00:01:39,681 - ever crystallizing between us? - Yep. 36 00:01:40,079 --> 00:01:42,110 Good, cause one of my professors is really hot, 37 00:01:42,235 --> 00:01:44,686 - I wanted to give you right of refusal. - Hello, Pierce? 38 00:01:44,854 --> 00:01:47,968 - Mom? - How's school going? Are you popular? 39 00:01:48,786 --> 00:01:51,236 I'm headed through a tunnel right now. 40 00:01:53,898 --> 00:01:57,265 - Wrong number. - Has that Jeff stopped teasing you? 41 00:01:57,390 --> 00:01:59,442 How's your Canadian girlfriend? 42 00:02:01,413 --> 00:02:04,289 I saw your father's ghost again. He's still angry. 43 00:02:31,681 --> 00:02:34,345 The Bernoulli distribution is the number of successes 44 00:02:34,470 --> 00:02:38,433 in a sequence of independent yes-no experiments. 45 00:02:39,889 --> 00:02:43,161 For the quiz Monday, brush up on chapters three and four. 46 00:02:46,816 --> 00:02:48,299 Bernoulli's one of my favorites. 47 00:02:48,424 --> 00:02:50,858 Little-known fact, statistics were not his only love. 48 00:02:50,983 --> 00:02:53,463 He's also famous for his French sauce used on meat and poultry. 49 00:02:53,867 --> 00:02:56,550 - That's bearnaise. - Need to settle this at a restaurant. 50 00:02:57,380 --> 00:02:59,066 It's cute. A little aggressive, 51 00:02:59,191 --> 00:03:02,347 but as a confident woman of authority, I'm attracted to men who take charge. 52 00:03:02,649 --> 00:03:06,518 - You sarcastic, or am I nailing it? - You were nailing it, until you asked. 53 00:03:07,379 --> 00:03:10,206 Damn it. Starting over. You in the skirt, date me. 54 00:03:10,331 --> 00:03:12,882 I'd like to, Mr. Winger. You're tall, you dress nice, 55 00:03:13,007 --> 00:03:15,402 and I've graded you enough To know I'd never feel inadequate. 56 00:03:15,791 --> 00:03:18,612 - Thank you. - Only problem, I don't date students. 57 00:03:22,004 --> 00:03:24,154 If you agree to go out with me... 58 00:03:24,504 --> 00:03:26,496 Awkward. How small is this campus? 59 00:03:26,816 --> 00:03:27,816 Bastard. 60 00:03:28,217 --> 00:03:31,065 - It's fine. I don't care. - It's disgusting the way men behave. 61 00:03:31,190 --> 00:03:34,433 You ever see that Heigl poster where Butler had heart over his weiner? 62 00:03:34,558 --> 00:03:36,425 - That resonated with me. - Fine. 63 00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:38,880 But just to repeat, I don't care what Jeff does. 64 00:03:39,005 --> 00:03:40,005 Bastard. 65 00:03:40,503 --> 00:03:42,440 I'm barely a student. I'm older than you. 66 00:03:42,565 --> 00:03:44,628 I drive a Lexus. Saw Ghost Busters in the theater. 67 00:03:44,753 --> 00:03:45,931 My gums are receding. 68 00:03:46,334 --> 00:03:48,719 It's uncanny how many of my buttons you're finding, 69 00:03:48,844 --> 00:03:50,729 but I have a rule about this, I stick to it. 70 00:03:51,013 --> 00:03:53,063 Have a cup of coffee with me. I can change your mind. 71 00:03:53,234 --> 00:03:55,901 I know you can. That's why you ain't getting the chance. 72 00:04:00,802 --> 00:04:04,315 - Are you coming to my party? - I'm definitely gonna try to swing by. 73 00:04:04,440 --> 00:04:06,310 I can mark you down as definitely being there 74 00:04:06,435 --> 00:04:08,252 from 7:00 sharp till Spanish question mark? 75 00:04:08,377 --> 00:04:10,338 - Here's the... - No, here's the thing. 76 00:04:10,463 --> 00:04:12,486 I am putting my foot down. You understand? 77 00:04:12,611 --> 00:04:15,847 I am being assertive, and I am making eye contact, 78 00:04:15,972 --> 00:04:17,671 and it is achieving results. 79 00:04:17,878 --> 00:04:20,258 - Trying to get formidable with me? - It worked on Pierce. 80 00:04:20,500 --> 00:04:21,843 Infomercials work on him. 81 00:04:23,504 --> 00:04:25,304 You're the cool guy, okay? 82 00:04:25,441 --> 00:04:27,576 If you show up, it'll be the first party I host 83 00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:31,351 where everyone doesn't say they need to get home for the news. 84 00:04:32,942 --> 00:04:35,148 This won't work. The last time you did this, 85 00:04:35,316 --> 00:04:37,691 I saved a vial of your tears and have built up an immunity. 86 00:04:38,057 --> 00:04:39,884 I was so unpopular in high school, 87 00:04:40,009 --> 00:04:42,531 the crossing guard used to lure me into traffic. 88 00:04:43,478 --> 00:04:46,317 This party is a second chance to be... 89 00:04:46,939 --> 00:04:47,911 Hip. 90 00:04:48,472 --> 00:04:49,472 Cool! 91 00:04:51,002 --> 00:04:52,133 Laidback! 92 00:04:54,091 --> 00:04:55,293 I will come. 93 00:04:55,687 --> 00:04:56,687 Thank you. 94 00:04:57,471 --> 00:05:01,371 I'm putting you down for two bags of ice and a sleeve of paper cups. 95 00:05:15,628 --> 00:05:16,828 Taking a pill? 96 00:05:19,044 --> 00:05:20,944 - Yes, I am. - Xenolovaden. 97 00:05:21,252 --> 00:05:22,562 My grandpa took that too. 98 00:05:22,687 --> 00:05:24,948 - Fantastic. - Helping him with his going problem. 99 00:05:25,116 --> 00:05:27,259 By the time he got up in years, his memory wasn't great. 100 00:05:27,384 --> 00:05:28,952 He'd mix pills. Know how olds are? 101 00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:30,395 Heard stories about it. 102 00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:32,630 One time he ran down the street with no pants on. 103 00:05:32,755 --> 00:05:35,013 Which in the Gaza strip is considered a real party foul, 104 00:05:35,138 --> 00:05:38,279 - so you should probably be careful... - I really don't need your advice, 105 00:05:38,404 --> 00:05:39,838 I'm not your pantsless grandpa. 106 00:05:40,939 --> 00:05:42,339 Pantsless grandpa. 107 00:05:55,501 --> 00:05:57,064 - You look adorable. - Thank you. 108 00:05:57,189 --> 00:06:00,692 I hate when women use Halloween as an excuse to dress up like sluts. 109 00:06:03,691 --> 00:06:04,941 Okay, everyone. 110 00:06:06,127 --> 00:06:07,501 I think we can begin. 111 00:06:07,626 --> 00:06:10,665 I've got everyone's personalized cookie tombstones, 112 00:06:10,790 --> 00:06:11,870 por tradición, 113 00:06:12,522 --> 00:06:16,122 and in a few minutes, we gonna start the dance of the dead... 114 00:06:17,919 --> 00:06:19,377 Don't have to keep doing that! 115 00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:20,546 Party on. 116 00:06:27,846 --> 00:06:30,931 It's nice of you to be here. You'd rather be with your hot professor. 117 00:06:31,100 --> 00:06:33,153 Well, it's funny, I enrolled here as selfish loner, 118 00:06:33,278 --> 00:06:35,393 but the group has given me a course in friendship. 119 00:06:35,642 --> 00:06:37,752 - She blew you off, huh? - She's grading papers. 120 00:06:37,877 --> 00:06:40,126 Professor Slater? She's not grading papers. 121 00:06:40,251 --> 00:06:43,902 - She's at the party in the cafeteria. - It's the eavesdropping matador. 122 00:06:45,189 --> 00:06:47,781 - Are you saying my people are sneaky? - What? 123 00:06:48,704 --> 00:06:52,285 There's a storm building on the horizon, but you and I will save the night. 124 00:06:52,501 --> 00:06:54,767 Chex mix, pretzels, baby carrots, 125 00:06:55,343 --> 00:06:57,243 prredictable but appetizing. 126 00:07:00,521 --> 00:07:03,421 Can I ask you something I wanted to ask Batman? 127 00:07:04,585 --> 00:07:05,673 Am I good looking? 128 00:07:06,272 --> 00:07:09,322 - You're a very attractive young man. - I knew it. 129 00:07:12,583 --> 00:07:14,599 Let's get this party started! 130 00:07:14,970 --> 00:07:16,070 Who are you? 131 00:07:16,273 --> 00:07:17,823 I am the beastmaster. 132 00:07:19,623 --> 00:07:20,688 From Beastmaster. 133 00:07:22,775 --> 00:07:25,083 What rock have you been living under? 134 00:07:25,208 --> 00:07:27,596 What are you going as? A gay douchebag? 135 00:07:27,721 --> 00:07:29,146 - Just kidding. - Nice one. 136 00:07:29,271 --> 00:07:30,698 I'm not much of a costume guy. 137 00:07:30,868 --> 00:07:33,304 You're not much of a liking the ladies guy either, huh? 138 00:07:33,429 --> 00:07:35,537 Body blow. Is that liquor? 139 00:07:38,362 --> 00:07:40,896 - Here's your drinks, mates. - Thanks, Urkel. 140 00:07:41,021 --> 00:07:42,919 - I'm Harry Potter. - Really? 141 00:07:43,397 --> 00:07:44,647 What up, Urkel? 142 00:07:57,235 --> 00:07:58,586 All right. 143 00:07:59,008 --> 00:08:00,508 What are you taking? 144 00:08:01,271 --> 00:08:03,321 You know, the usual cool stuff. 145 00:08:03,446 --> 00:08:04,953 I've got 'ludes, 146 00:08:05,546 --> 00:08:07,235 dreamers... Johnny boys. 147 00:08:07,403 --> 00:08:08,398 Tell you what. 148 00:08:08,523 --> 00:08:11,556 I'll trade you one of mine for two of yours. 149 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,233 - I don't know, Star-Burns. - I'm... sorry. 150 00:08:15,358 --> 00:08:17,162 Thought I was dealing with the beastmaster. 151 00:08:17,661 --> 00:08:19,211 Who said you weren't? 152 00:08:21,427 --> 00:08:23,196 Saddle up, fruit pie. 153 00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:25,510 I don't mind if I do. May I? 154 00:08:26,719 --> 00:08:28,070 Here. Take this. 155 00:08:28,647 --> 00:08:30,300 Give anyone that shows up their credit. 156 00:08:30,897 --> 00:08:32,969 You going to the faculty party? Make me your plus one. 157 00:08:33,138 --> 00:08:36,238 Give it up. Professor Slater doesn't date students. 158 00:08:37,042 --> 00:08:39,397 Or married asians who drive mopeds. 159 00:08:40,019 --> 00:08:41,419 Give you 20 bucks. 160 00:08:42,958 --> 00:08:44,758 I'll bring the hog around. 161 00:08:57,563 --> 00:08:59,834 It's time for the dance of the dead. 162 00:08:59,959 --> 00:09:01,539 Everyone form a circle. 163 00:09:01,806 --> 00:09:02,806 Lights. 164 00:09:03,523 --> 00:09:04,391 Music. 165 00:09:04,516 --> 00:09:06,920 Is it under genre or on a specific playlist? 166 00:09:08,441 --> 00:09:09,891 What'd you slip me? 167 00:09:11,118 --> 00:09:13,646 I keep grinding my teeth, and I want to kiss everybody. 168 00:09:13,771 --> 00:09:15,332 What'd you slip me, man? 169 00:09:15,457 --> 00:09:18,057 My heart stopped racing, and I can't pee. 170 00:09:18,434 --> 00:09:20,347 Now for the first dance, 171 00:09:20,521 --> 00:09:23,583 I'd like to invite a very special guest to the floor. 172 00:09:23,708 --> 00:09:24,808 Jeff Winger? 173 00:09:31,395 --> 00:09:32,545 Where's Jeff? 174 00:09:39,647 --> 00:09:40,536 Jeff gone? 175 00:09:42,708 --> 00:09:45,124 You know, I'm gonna go. I don't want to miss the news. 176 00:09:45,413 --> 00:09:46,417 News! 177 00:09:47,959 --> 00:09:50,421 He just stepped out. He's gonna be right back. 178 00:09:53,252 --> 00:09:55,270 He's going to the faculty party. 179 00:09:55,395 --> 00:09:57,771 To be with professor short skirt? We hate her. 180 00:09:57,896 --> 00:09:59,974 No, it's not about her. 181 00:10:00,099 --> 00:10:02,016 Can't believe he'd do this to Annie. 182 00:10:02,185 --> 00:10:04,135 Absolutely. It's about Annie. 183 00:10:04,644 --> 00:10:06,938 We should go find that bitch's car and snap off her antenna. 184 00:10:09,191 --> 00:10:11,088 It's like high school all over again. 185 00:10:11,213 --> 00:10:12,663 Everyone's leaving. 186 00:10:13,523 --> 00:10:14,523 Not me. 187 00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:17,200 I could do this all night. 188 00:10:30,102 --> 00:10:32,290 - There you go, pretty lady. - What are you doing here? 189 00:10:32,415 --> 00:10:34,227 Showing you my non-student side. 190 00:10:34,352 --> 00:10:36,478 I have to admit, this outfit's doing it for me. 191 00:10:36,603 --> 00:10:39,469 I may or may not have been deflowered by a junior rodeo champion. 192 00:10:39,637 --> 00:10:43,097 - Reminding me of my first time too. - Lost your virginity to Robin Hood? 193 00:10:43,265 --> 00:10:46,726 With an attractive woman at a party. We seem destined to repeat history. 194 00:10:46,895 --> 00:10:48,745 I told you no students. It's unseemly. 195 00:10:48,870 --> 00:10:50,855 I go out with you, you tell your friends... 196 00:10:51,025 --> 00:10:52,729 What friends? I have no friends. 197 00:10:52,854 --> 00:10:54,651 I hate everyone here but you. 198 00:10:56,307 --> 00:10:57,737 - What you doing here? - You? 199 00:10:57,915 --> 00:11:00,765 You should be over at the library with Annie... 200 00:11:04,287 --> 00:11:06,954 - Thought you weren't a costume guy. - You had to have one here, Squirrel. 201 00:11:07,184 --> 00:11:08,414 So where did you get it? 202 00:11:08,582 --> 00:11:11,417 I wouldn't think any costume stores would be open this late. 203 00:11:11,586 --> 00:11:14,614 - I dunno what you're getting at. - The words that you're looking for are 204 00:11:14,739 --> 00:11:16,046 "I own a cowboy outfit". 205 00:11:16,171 --> 00:11:18,716 And it is tight too. Did you buy it like that? 206 00:11:18,885 --> 00:11:20,802 Your toy gun to my head, I'd say yes. 207 00:11:21,476 --> 00:11:24,138 - Michelle Slater, Ph.D. - Britta Perry, GED. 208 00:11:24,387 --> 00:11:25,723 A classmate of Jeff's? 209 00:11:26,030 --> 00:11:29,060 When you say "classmate", sounds like we take naps together, 210 00:11:29,229 --> 00:11:30,978 but what's great about community colleges 211 00:11:31,282 --> 00:11:34,148 is that a lot of the students are just as mature as the teachers. 212 00:11:35,406 --> 00:11:37,944 You must return to Annie's party. She's feeling unpopular. 213 00:11:38,225 --> 00:11:40,664 Jeff, Pierce took something, and he is tripping balls. 214 00:11:40,789 --> 00:11:42,949 He is touching people and dancing weird. 215 00:11:43,118 --> 00:11:45,159 It's like Grumpy Old Men but not hilarious. 216 00:11:46,875 --> 00:11:49,455 I'm at a grownup Halloween party, all right? 217 00:11:49,664 --> 00:11:51,464 You're all being unseemly. 218 00:11:51,837 --> 00:11:53,251 How are we unseemly? 219 00:11:53,616 --> 00:11:57,547 Why is Urkel ripping the antenna off professor Slater's car? 220 00:11:58,878 --> 00:12:00,629 That's right, professor slim calves. 221 00:12:00,754 --> 00:12:04,254 This is what you get when you steal Jeff from a good woman! 222 00:12:18,928 --> 00:12:20,319 Is he meowing? 223 00:12:21,615 --> 00:12:23,951 Enough. I want you guys out of here. 224 00:12:24,076 --> 00:12:26,117 I don't care about your high school soap opera. 225 00:12:26,538 --> 00:12:28,161 Abed, you're not Batman. 226 00:12:31,582 --> 00:12:33,921 Stop grinding on the women's studies department. 227 00:12:34,046 --> 00:12:36,096 You are too old to be tripping. 228 00:12:36,467 --> 00:12:37,295 I'm old? 229 00:12:38,882 --> 00:12:40,432 What do you mean old? 230 00:12:43,474 --> 00:12:45,074 Whose hands are these? 231 00:12:48,544 --> 00:12:49,474 Help me! 232 00:12:50,038 --> 00:12:51,038 Way to go. 233 00:12:51,542 --> 00:12:54,792 I know I'm not Batman. You could try not being a jerk. 234 00:12:55,178 --> 00:12:56,528 She's pretty hot. 235 00:13:00,348 --> 00:13:02,662 - Where were we, little doggie? - Unseemly. 236 00:13:02,787 --> 00:13:04,287 Crap. 237 00:13:17,939 --> 00:13:19,504 This is professor Robin Hood's. 238 00:13:19,827 --> 00:13:21,857 - What you doing? - Putting this hose in her desk, 239 00:13:21,982 --> 00:13:23,912 - and you going to turn the water on. - Why? 240 00:13:24,037 --> 00:13:25,474 To teach that long-neck 241 00:13:25,599 --> 00:13:28,012 weave-having bank teller she can't steal another woman's man! 242 00:13:28,182 --> 00:13:29,230 That's why. 243 00:13:34,411 --> 00:13:35,728 I have a confession to make. 244 00:13:36,845 --> 00:13:40,107 I think some of what I just said may have more to do with my situation. 245 00:13:40,276 --> 00:13:43,926 The long-neck, weave-having bank teller didn't feel universal. 246 00:13:44,197 --> 00:13:46,739 My ex-husband came by this morning, 247 00:13:47,367 --> 00:13:49,033 and he asked for his ring back. 248 00:13:50,037 --> 00:13:53,737 It was his mother's, he wants to give it to his new girlfriend. 249 00:13:54,474 --> 00:13:55,974 Shirley, that sucks. 250 00:13:56,404 --> 00:13:59,162 Best thing ever happened to me was him leaving. 251 00:13:59,287 --> 00:14:01,861 I always thought he'd come crawling back, 252 00:14:01,986 --> 00:14:03,673 and I'd get to tell him, "go to hell". 253 00:14:05,908 --> 00:14:07,908 He couldn't even give me that. 254 00:14:09,218 --> 00:14:12,765 - You know what the crazy thing is? - Everything you've done tonight? 255 00:14:15,904 --> 00:14:17,853 It's like I was too proud to admit I was hurt, 256 00:14:17,978 --> 00:14:19,564 so I had to pretend that you were. 257 00:14:20,914 --> 00:14:22,364 I totally get that. 258 00:14:23,130 --> 00:14:24,530 I feel better now. 259 00:14:25,938 --> 00:14:27,446 Let's go check on Annie. 260 00:14:32,114 --> 00:14:34,681 Can you believe I targeted this poor lady? 261 00:14:34,806 --> 00:14:37,456 Look at all these awards. I bet she's nice. 262 00:14:40,537 --> 00:14:42,087 Nice and pretentious. 263 00:14:52,574 --> 00:14:53,681 Pierce, are you okay? 264 00:14:56,509 --> 00:14:57,809 What's going on? 265 00:14:57,934 --> 00:14:59,834 You have a full-on erection. 266 00:15:00,307 --> 00:15:01,647 Just relax. 267 00:15:02,481 --> 00:15:03,831 Just relax, okay? 268 00:15:07,443 --> 00:15:09,071 You are too old to be tripping! 269 00:15:14,453 --> 00:15:15,912 You are too old to be tripping. 270 00:15:16,671 --> 00:15:18,664 Tell me about the Beatles, Pierce. 271 00:15:19,214 --> 00:15:21,781 Tell me about Woodstock and Sputnik. 272 00:15:37,027 --> 00:15:38,727 Do I feel a breeze here? 273 00:15:38,958 --> 00:15:42,137 - Because someone just struck out. - She blew you off too, Chang. 274 00:15:43,277 --> 00:15:45,321 Is that what you had to fall back on? 275 00:15:45,446 --> 00:15:47,064 Look at me, bro. Look at me. 276 00:15:47,189 --> 00:15:49,542 I've got the body of a fifth grader, okay? 277 00:15:49,667 --> 00:15:51,365 If I was working with what you've got, 278 00:15:51,490 --> 00:15:54,566 she'd be at the comfort inn right now giving me a Mexican Halloween. 279 00:15:54,734 --> 00:15:57,121 It's this campus. It feeds on my coolness. 280 00:15:57,246 --> 00:15:59,631 - I got no moves anymore. - Moves? 281 00:15:59,756 --> 00:16:02,382 Everything's a game to guys like you. 282 00:16:02,507 --> 00:16:05,757 I know one move I bet you've never tried in your life. 283 00:16:06,222 --> 00:16:07,272 What is it? 284 00:16:17,009 --> 00:16:19,070 Please sleep with me. Please. 285 00:16:19,195 --> 00:16:21,343 Pretty please. I'm so lonely. 286 00:16:21,569 --> 00:16:25,013 I haven't slept in a very long time, and you are so good looking. 287 00:16:25,193 --> 00:16:27,891 Please do me the favor of having sex with me. 288 00:16:33,228 --> 00:16:35,774 Stay three steps behind and promise you won't tell anybody. 289 00:16:36,001 --> 00:16:37,001 I promise. 290 00:16:37,882 --> 00:16:38,882 I promise. 291 00:16:51,601 --> 00:16:53,958 Everybody, stay out of the library. 292 00:16:54,211 --> 00:16:55,611 Pierce, it's okay. 293 00:16:55,736 --> 00:16:57,009 Come out of there. 294 00:16:57,134 --> 00:17:00,631 - No, I'm not ready to die! - You're not gonna die! 295 00:17:00,756 --> 00:17:02,801 Just keep walking. Don't make eye contact. 296 00:17:05,514 --> 00:17:07,556 He's freaking out. You're the only one who can help. 297 00:17:08,068 --> 00:17:10,193 - What makes you think that? - Is Jeff out there? 298 00:17:10,318 --> 00:17:13,078 - He's the only one who can help. - He says he's gonna kill himself, 299 00:17:13,203 --> 00:17:14,813 but he doesn't want us to call 911, 300 00:17:14,938 --> 00:17:18,338 cause he doesn't want to get in trouble for taking drugs. 301 00:17:21,586 --> 00:17:23,405 I can't believe I'm doing this. 302 00:17:28,088 --> 00:17:29,088 I think 303 00:17:30,277 --> 00:17:31,507 I have to say goodnight. 304 00:17:31,632 --> 00:17:33,957 Are you a court-appointed guardian for these people? 305 00:17:37,514 --> 00:17:38,795 They're my classmates. 306 00:17:39,395 --> 00:17:40,695 Goodnight, Jeff. 307 00:17:46,682 --> 00:17:48,048 Loser! 308 00:17:57,295 --> 00:17:59,140 What in the Pink Floyd? 309 00:17:59,860 --> 00:18:01,518 I'm gonna crush myself to death 310 00:18:01,643 --> 00:18:03,755 with desks and tables, Jeff! 311 00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:05,899 Is that a death befitting a beastmaster? 312 00:18:06,024 --> 00:18:09,409 I never saw Beastmaster. I just wanted to be cool. 313 00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:11,700 I'm coming in there. 314 00:18:19,987 --> 00:18:22,567 Those floating Mexican skeletons were right. 315 00:18:22,692 --> 00:18:23,992 My life is over. 316 00:18:24,691 --> 00:18:28,642 When we go to floating skeletons with our problems, 317 00:18:29,341 --> 00:18:31,491 we get what we pay for, don't we? 318 00:18:33,425 --> 00:18:34,476 I'm old, Jeff. 319 00:18:36,227 --> 00:18:38,021 I dunno how you spent the first 60 years, 320 00:18:38,237 --> 00:18:40,184 but I know in the last two months, 321 00:18:40,309 --> 00:18:42,919 you've probably doubled the national average 322 00:18:43,044 --> 00:18:45,028 for amount of life lived per lifetime. 323 00:18:46,603 --> 00:18:49,658 Well, I do have a young, African-American friend. 324 00:18:50,925 --> 00:18:52,473 And, more importantly, 325 00:18:52,598 --> 00:18:56,415 you dressed like a gladiator in a fort that you built during a bad trip. 326 00:18:56,871 --> 00:19:00,168 If life is just a series of ridiculous attempts to be alive, 327 00:19:01,455 --> 00:19:03,713 you're a hero to everything that's ever lived. 328 00:19:29,129 --> 00:19:30,129 Batman? 329 00:19:32,597 --> 00:19:34,597 Are you staying for the party? 330 00:19:35,291 --> 00:19:36,291 If I stay, 331 00:19:37,308 --> 00:19:38,790 there can be no party. 332 00:19:41,206 --> 00:19:44,306 I must be out there in the night, staying vigilant. 333 00:19:45,566 --> 00:19:47,816 Wherever a party needs to be saved, 334 00:19:48,159 --> 00:19:49,159 I'm there. 335 00:19:50,316 --> 00:19:53,773 Wherever there are masks, Wherever there's tomfoolery and joy, 336 00:19:53,898 --> 00:19:54,898 I'm there. 337 00:19:58,100 --> 00:20:00,107 But sometimes I'm not, cause I'm out in the night, 338 00:20:00,232 --> 00:20:02,082 staying vigilant, watching, 339 00:20:02,856 --> 00:20:05,928 lurking, running, jumping, hurtling, 340 00:20:06,529 --> 00:20:07,579 sleeping... 341 00:20:08,191 --> 00:20:09,946 No, I can't sleep. You sleep. 342 00:20:10,442 --> 00:20:11,442 I'm awake. 343 00:20:11,628 --> 00:20:13,628 I don't sleep. I don't blink. 344 00:20:14,504 --> 00:20:15,604 Am I a bird? 345 00:20:16,566 --> 00:20:17,566 I'm a bat. 346 00:20:18,941 --> 00:20:19,957 I am Batman. 347 00:20:21,264 --> 00:20:22,250 Or am I? 348 00:20:23,942 --> 00:20:25,292 Yes, I am Batman. 349 00:20:28,264 --> 00:20:29,564 Happy Halloween. 350 00:20:33,779 --> 00:20:35,924 - I'm Batman. - You sound like Cookie Monster. 351 00:20:36,093 --> 00:20:38,157 - I'm Batman. - That's Batman. 352 00:20:39,049 --> 00:20:40,976 Candy corn looks like tiny traffic cones. 353 00:20:41,218 --> 00:20:44,360 - Yeah, it sure does. - At, like, a candy traffic school. 354 00:20:45,571 --> 00:20:48,781 A little gingerbread man at the wheel, and he's drunk. 355 00:20:48,950 --> 00:20:50,485 Look out. You'd be driving, 356 00:20:50,782 --> 00:20:52,868 But you keep wanting to eat yourself. 357 00:20:53,296 --> 00:20:55,704 - All day. - That's one of my biggest fears. 358 00:20:55,904 --> 00:20:58,660 - What is? - If I ever woke up as a donut. 359 00:20:58,828 --> 00:21:01,043 - You would eat yourself? - I wouldn't even question it. 360 00:21:01,346 --> 00:21:02,646 That'd be tasty. 361 00:21:03,404 --> 00:21:06,423 It's cool to know other people think about this stuff too.