1
00:00:02,035 --> 00:00:07,371
So from now on, we'll refer to each
other by our Spanish nombres.
2
00:00:07,574 --> 00:00:10,475
There will be...
What's this?
3
00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:11,974
[CHANG GASPS]
4
00:00:12,612 --> 00:00:13,943
It's okay, it's okay.
Do it.
5
00:00:16,549 --> 00:00:17,811
[LAUGHS]
6
00:00:23,823 --> 00:00:26,690
Buenos dias, Winger.
7
00:00:26,893 --> 00:00:28,827
[CLASS LAUGHING]
8
00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:32,623
Ah. Class dismissed.
9
00:00:32,832 --> 00:00:34,800
[###]
10
00:00:37,270 --> 00:00:38,498
TROY:
Hey.
11
00:00:38,705 --> 00:00:40,536
Shirley, look.
12
00:00:40,740 --> 00:00:41,798
I'm Annie's backpack.
13
00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:44,875
Mmm.
Stop it, Troy.
14
00:00:47,180 --> 00:00:51,173
Annie, say there are two friends
and they're in the same class,
15
00:00:51,384 --> 00:00:54,148
and one of them wants to ask
the other one out on a date.
16
00:00:54,354 --> 00:00:59,348
Like a grownup date, but within biking
distance of his parents' house.
17
00:00:59,826 --> 00:01:01,726
Well, they could do
something on campus.
18
00:01:01,928 --> 00:01:05,523
Tomorrow, there's a picnic with
live music on the east lawn.
19
00:01:05,732 --> 00:01:08,701
They're calling it
A Night Under the Stars.
20
00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:11,894
Cool. I bet Randi would
love that type of thing.
21
00:01:12,105 --> 00:01:13,163
Randi?
22
00:01:13,373 --> 00:01:16,035
Oh, I thought...
Oh.
23
00:01:16,242 --> 00:01:17,402
You thought...
24
00:01:18,044 --> 00:01:20,444
I can't believe I misled you
like that.
25
00:01:20,647 --> 00:01:25,107
Listen, Randi can be the name
of a guy or a girl.
26
00:01:25,852 --> 00:01:28,412
And in this case,
it is definitely a girl.
27
00:01:30,156 --> 00:01:31,623
Thanks for your help.
28
00:01:32,525 --> 00:01:33,514
You're welcome.
29
00:01:33,726 --> 00:01:35,216
And I hate you.
30
00:01:35,428 --> 00:01:36,986
And I wanna have your children.
31
00:01:37,197 --> 00:01:39,631
Damn, I picked the wrong
couple to follow this morning.
32
00:01:39,833 --> 00:01:41,858
Jeff and Britta are dead air.
33
00:01:42,368 --> 00:01:45,735
Are you okay? It looks like you
have actual bed head this morning.
34
00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:48,134
In fashion, I'm what's
known as a tastemaker.
35
00:01:48,341 --> 00:01:50,866
And you missed an entire side
of your face shaving.
36
00:01:51,077 --> 00:01:53,204
And next month,
so will Gwen Stefani.
37
00:01:53,413 --> 00:01:55,074
Here comes Vaughn. Bye.
38
00:01:55,548 --> 00:01:57,243
Oh, crap.
39
00:01:57,450 --> 00:01:58,678
Vaughn? Vaughn.
40
00:01:58,885 --> 00:02:00,750
Oh, the guy with
tiny nipples you did it with.
41
00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:01,978
Oh, God. Hi, Vaughn.
42
00:02:02,188 --> 00:02:05,021
Can we talk sometime?
I'm sorry about how things ended.
43
00:02:05,225 --> 00:02:08,592
Well, I'm sorry I can't accept your
apology because you're toxic, Britta.
44
00:02:08,795 --> 00:02:12,629
You know what? You're like the
exact opposite of an antioxidant.
45
00:02:12,832 --> 00:02:15,596
Yeah. Pssh.
I got band practice. Lates.
46
00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:17,292
Can't we still be friends?
47
00:02:17,504 --> 00:02:20,871
Isn't the word "later"
already short enough?
48
00:02:21,074 --> 00:02:24,134
Let me talk to him for you.
It'll be better if it's man-to-man.
49
00:02:24,344 --> 00:02:27,472
We won't be thinking about our chubby thighs
or whether or not we can have babies.
50
00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:28,977
Don't talk to Vaughn.
51
00:02:29,182 --> 00:02:30,774
Your hormones
are clouding your...
52
00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:33,509
Don't talk to Vaughn.
53
00:02:36,756 --> 00:02:38,917
That is girl for "talk to Vaughn."
54
00:02:39,125 --> 00:02:41,093
[###]
55
00:03:02,649 --> 00:03:04,048
Ooh.
56
00:03:04,250 --> 00:03:07,185
Sure you don't want a piece of that?
Shirley.
57
00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:11,050
What is he doing?
58
00:03:11,257 --> 00:03:13,282
Oh, I know exactly
what he's doing.
59
00:03:13,493 --> 00:03:15,654
My ex-husband spent
four weeks doing that
60
00:03:15,862 --> 00:03:18,228
after his innocent mistake
of calling me Valerie.
61
00:03:18,598 --> 00:03:20,793
That boy is living in his car.
62
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:23,127
[GRUNTING]
63
00:03:23,336 --> 00:03:26,169
[THE 88'S "AT LEAST
IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]
64
00:03:26,406 --> 00:03:30,035
I lived in my car for a stretch
in the '70s.
65
00:03:30,243 --> 00:03:35,408
Nothing like bedding a woman
on the vinyl back seat of a Skylark.
66
00:03:35,615 --> 00:03:39,517
Of course, we didn't have the same
safety standards back then, so... Heh.
67
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:41,517
[WHISPERS] No condoms.
68
00:03:41,721 --> 00:03:44,383
I tell you, before AIDS,
sex was like shaking hands.
69
00:03:44,591 --> 00:03:46,650
Hence, AIDS.
Oh, Brittles, I forgot to tell you.
70
00:03:46,859 --> 00:03:48,486
I went and talked to Vaughn.
What?
71
00:03:48,695 --> 00:03:51,061
Bad news is I could not patch up
things between you.
72
00:03:51,264 --> 00:03:52,697
You really did a number on him.
73
00:03:52,899 --> 00:03:55,390
Good news is I'm the new
keyboardist in his band.
74
00:03:55,602 --> 00:03:58,366
I asked you not to talk to him
and you completely ignored me.
75
00:03:58,571 --> 00:04:01,768
Hey, Tiny, you're missing
the headline. I'm in a rock band.
76
00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:04,034
Oh, I'd like to be there
when the band finds out.
77
00:04:08,815 --> 00:04:12,080
Oh, hi, Jeff. We were just talking
about how in today's economy...
78
00:04:12,285 --> 00:04:15,516
Mm-mm! Living in your car. Living in your car.
You are living in your car.
79
00:04:16,289 --> 00:04:18,314
I'm sorry, I'm not good
at being coy. Ahem.
80
00:04:18,524 --> 00:04:20,048
Guys, I'm not living in my car.
81
00:04:20,627 --> 00:04:22,561
I'm just sleeping in it
for a couple of days
82
00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:24,923
while I work out some problems
with my condo.
83
00:04:25,131 --> 00:04:27,895
It's a very temporary issue.
Gotta pay some meaningless fees.
84
00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:30,763
They'll put my locks back
on the door and that'll be that.
85
00:04:30,970 --> 00:04:32,801
How are you gonna
get the money?
86
00:04:33,006 --> 00:04:34,769
Believe me, kitten,
Winger's got moves.
87
00:04:34,974 --> 00:04:37,306
Jeff, do you need
a place to stay?
88
00:04:37,510 --> 00:04:40,240
I'd offer,
but my dad's kind of racist.
89
00:04:40,446 --> 00:04:42,641
You could stay with me in the dorms.
My room has a bunk bed.
90
00:04:42,849 --> 00:04:44,111
A misnomer,
because it's the real deal.
91
00:04:44,317 --> 00:04:46,376
The next person that offers me
charity or pity
92
00:04:46,586 --> 00:04:49,282
will be mentioned by name
in my suicide note.
93
00:04:49,489 --> 00:04:50,751
Oh.
94
00:04:50,957 --> 00:04:53,391
[###]
95
00:04:53,593 --> 00:04:57,256
Annie, Annie, thanks for your advice
about A Night Under the Stars.
96
00:04:57,463 --> 00:04:59,658
Of course. Anytime, ever.
97
00:04:59,866 --> 00:05:02,300
Now I've just gotta figure out
what to bring to the picnic.
98
00:05:02,502 --> 00:05:05,403
This is my first college girl,
so I really wanna impress her.
99
00:05:05,605 --> 00:05:08,165
Would you mind helping me
shop for this stuff?
100
00:05:08,374 --> 00:05:09,773
I'd love to.
Really?
101
00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:11,307
Sure.
No.
102
00:05:11,511 --> 00:05:12,978
Thanks. Later.
103
00:05:13,413 --> 00:05:15,278
Bye.
104
00:05:16,683 --> 00:05:18,913
Hey.
Hey. Wanna see my place?
105
00:05:19,118 --> 00:05:21,484
I can see it from here.
Two girls are making out on the hood.
106
00:05:21,688 --> 00:05:23,713
No, my real place.
107
00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:25,821
Look at that.
108
00:05:26,025 --> 00:05:29,051
Condo board's trying to bluff me
by listing my place as available.
109
00:05:29,262 --> 00:05:30,524
But look at those faucets.
110
00:05:30,730 --> 00:05:32,061
Handcrafted in Italy.
111
00:05:32,265 --> 00:05:34,290
One hundred percent expensive.
112
00:05:34,500 --> 00:05:35,762
Those faucets are beautiful.
113
00:05:35,968 --> 00:05:38,266
You know what they would
go great with? A home.
114
00:05:38,471 --> 00:05:41,269
Which you no longer have.
You need to move on with your life.
115
00:05:41,474 --> 00:05:44,705
Move on with my life?
Shmove shmon shmith shmy shfime.
116
00:05:44,911 --> 00:05:47,175
This condo is all
that's left of me.
117
00:05:47,380 --> 00:05:49,371
Every part of it
is a part of who I am.
118
00:05:49,582 --> 00:05:50,606
Is that a bidet?
119
00:05:50,817 --> 00:05:52,307
That part's for resale value.
120
00:05:52,518 --> 00:05:54,452
And Saturday afternoons.
121
00:05:56,055 --> 00:05:59,855
You know, downgrading your lifestyle
is your chance to grow as a person.
122
00:06:00,059 --> 00:06:01,526
Maybe even become one.
123
00:06:01,728 --> 00:06:03,958
You know, the less you have,
the more you can be.
124
00:06:04,163 --> 00:06:05,289
You know what I'm saying?
125
00:06:05,498 --> 00:06:08,058
There's a silver lining here,
isn't there?
126
00:06:08,668 --> 00:06:10,465
You're attracted to bums.
Good night.
127
00:06:10,670 --> 00:06:12,797
Come on. Why don't you
have dinner at my place?
128
00:06:13,005 --> 00:06:14,996
I got a hotplate that plugs
into a cigarette lighter.
129
00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:17,301
Yeah, but your kitchen's
being towed.
130
00:06:17,510 --> 00:06:19,034
[###]
131
00:06:19,245 --> 00:06:21,372
Stop! That's my house!
132
00:06:25,885 --> 00:06:28,285
Can I live with you?
Yeah, cool.
133
00:06:28,488 --> 00:06:30,183
Do you want top bunk
or bottom bunk?
134
00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:33,450
Top.
Me too. Race you for it.
135
00:06:35,094 --> 00:06:36,254
I win.
136
00:06:36,462 --> 00:06:37,929
[###]
137
00:06:43,669 --> 00:06:46,229
Look, I really need to
liquidate some assets.
138
00:06:46,439 --> 00:06:49,033
It's an emergency situation.
139
00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:50,470
What kind of offer is that?
140
00:06:50,676 --> 00:06:52,871
These are mint-condition issues.
141
00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:54,512
I mean, the premise
alone is priceless.
142
00:06:54,714 --> 00:06:57,376
The guy has the powers
and strength of a spider.
143
00:06:57,583 --> 00:06:59,210
MAN [OVER PHONE]:
Your incredulity perplexes me.
144
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:02,855
No, your incredulity
perplexes me, nerd.
145
00:07:04,991 --> 00:07:07,983
Did I say anything in my sleep about
farm animals or Brian Williams?
146
00:07:08,194 --> 00:07:09,286
I don't think so.
Cool.
147
00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:11,755
Cool, cool, cool.
148
00:07:13,132 --> 00:07:16,932
Lucky Charms?
How are you so satisfied all the time?
149
00:07:17,136 --> 00:07:20,230
I mean, don't you ever want anything
more out of life than cereal?
150
00:07:21,174 --> 00:07:23,335
Sometimes I pour
hot cocoa mix into cold milk
151
00:07:23,543 --> 00:07:26,569
and drink it like a cold hot chocolate.
I call it special drink.
152
00:07:26,779 --> 00:07:29,304
Someday you will know it by
its true name, diabetes.
153
00:07:32,652 --> 00:07:34,347
You're Goldie Hawn, Jeff.
154
00:07:34,554 --> 00:07:36,579
I'm sorry?
You're Goldie Hawn.
155
00:07:36,789 --> 00:07:38,222
Is it the lips?
No.
156
00:07:38,424 --> 00:07:40,415
In Overboard,
she was just like you.
157
00:07:40,626 --> 00:07:43,424
Wealthy, assertive, arrogant,
got manicures all the time.
158
00:07:43,629 --> 00:07:45,722
She fell off her boat
and it was good for her.
159
00:07:45,932 --> 00:07:49,265
She realized she was happier poor,
raising unruly boys with Kurt Russell.
160
00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:51,733
Can I not be Kurt Russell?
Do whatever you want.
161
00:07:51,938 --> 00:07:53,701
You just have to know
what that is.
162
00:07:54,507 --> 00:07:58,603
For me, it's Lucky Charms
and TV.
163
00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:03,475
I could use a break.
164
00:08:05,218 --> 00:08:08,187
A picnic blanket. Genius.
165
00:08:08,387 --> 00:08:09,979
I was gonna lay down newspaper.
166
00:08:10,189 --> 00:08:12,680
It's the blanket my grandmother
used to court my grandfather.
167
00:08:12,892 --> 00:08:14,792
Yeah? That's pretty hot.
168
00:08:16,095 --> 00:08:17,756
Thanks.
Oh...
169
00:08:20,032 --> 00:08:22,626
Tell that boy how you feel.
170
00:08:22,835 --> 00:08:24,166
It's scary.
171
00:08:24,370 --> 00:08:26,930
If he's not interested,
I could lose the friendship too.
172
00:08:27,139 --> 00:08:30,472
You could. Love is a gamble always,
but waiting won't change the dice.
173
00:08:30,676 --> 00:08:32,644
You either roll them
or you lose your turn.
174
00:08:32,845 --> 00:08:34,904
I'm going to roll them.
I am.
175
00:08:35,114 --> 00:08:37,275
I just... I need
a few more shakes.
176
00:08:37,483 --> 00:08:40,384
Mm. Shake them
in your mind, okay?
177
00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:43,079
If you'll excuse me,
Pierce's band is playing.
178
00:08:43,289 --> 00:08:44,984
And I wanna record
the train wreck.
179
00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:47,921
Kind of hoping for
a Michael Richards situation.
180
00:08:48,995 --> 00:08:50,519
VAUGHN:
This is for you.
181
00:08:52,098 --> 00:08:54,931
Oh, they're pretty good.
182
00:08:55,134 --> 00:08:57,159
This isn't weird for you?
No.
183
00:08:57,370 --> 00:09:00,533
Just wanna show Vaughn some support
to help smooth things over.
184
00:09:00,740 --> 00:09:05,541
[SINGING] ♪ Saying goodbye to Britta
Was the hardest thing to do ♪
185
00:09:05,745 --> 00:09:08,475
♪ But when someone's a bitch
And a liar ♪
186
00:09:08,681 --> 00:09:11,673
♪ There ain't nothing left to woo ♪
187
00:09:12,285 --> 00:09:13,877
♪ I'm getting rid of Britta ♪
188
00:09:14,086 --> 00:09:15,075
What am I doing?
189
00:09:15,288 --> 00:09:17,984
♪ I'm getting rid of the B ♪
♪ She's a no-good B ♪
190
00:09:18,190 --> 00:09:20,658
VAUGHN:
♪ I'm getting rid of Britta ♪
191
00:09:20,860 --> 00:09:22,452
♪ I'm getting rid of the B ♪
192
00:09:22,662 --> 00:09:24,186
♪ She's a GDB ♪♪
193
00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:25,591
VAUGHN:
Take it, Pierce.
194
00:09:25,798 --> 00:09:28,494
Same as a 45-year-old,
except he doesn't get as tired.
195
00:09:28,701 --> 00:09:31,067
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING ON TV]
196
00:09:31,904 --> 00:09:33,565
We can pick them from
the cream...
197
00:09:33,773 --> 00:09:35,400
Great to have somebody
to watch stuff with.
198
00:09:35,608 --> 00:09:38,771
My dad never wanted to watch
anything, so I was raised by TV.
199
00:09:38,978 --> 00:09:40,673
TV's the best dad there is.
200
00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:42,370
TV never came home drunk.
201
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:44,516
TV never forgot me at the zoo.
202
00:09:44,717 --> 00:09:46,947
TV never abused
and insulted me.
203
00:09:47,153 --> 00:09:49,178
Unless you count
Cop Rock.
204
00:09:49,622 --> 00:09:52,716
Cop Rock. That sounds cool.
Doesn't it?
205
00:09:53,159 --> 00:09:54,217
Hey.
206
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:56,653
Wow.
207
00:09:56,862 --> 00:10:00,161
You guys are really
dorming it up in here, huh?
208
00:10:00,366 --> 00:10:02,834
Yeah. In the last two days,
I've spent a quarter.
209
00:10:03,035 --> 00:10:04,263
We're having the time
of our lives.
210
00:10:04,470 --> 00:10:07,735
See? Who needs
platinum faucets?
211
00:10:07,940 --> 00:10:09,703
Do you guys even have
faucets in here?
212
00:10:09,909 --> 00:10:12,207
There's a communal bathroom
down the hallway.
213
00:10:12,411 --> 00:10:15,471
It actually helped me come
to terms with losing my condo.
214
00:10:15,681 --> 00:10:19,583
You don't sit on a toilet like that until
you've left the material world behind.
215
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:22,011
BOTH: Pavel!
Hey, bros.
216
00:10:22,221 --> 00:10:24,086
This is Pavel. He lives next door.
He's from Poland.
217
00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:25,621
[SPEAKS IN POLISH]
218
00:10:25,825 --> 00:10:26,814
Britta?
219
00:10:27,026 --> 00:10:29,756
[SINGING] ♪ I'm getting rid of
Britta Getting rid of the B ♪♪
220
00:10:30,162 --> 00:10:33,063
Excuse me. I have a future
murder victim to visit.
221
00:10:33,899 --> 00:10:35,093
Cool.
Cool.
222
00:10:35,301 --> 00:10:36,359
Cool, cool, cool.
Sorry?
223
00:10:36,569 --> 00:10:37,558
[SPEAKS IN POLISH]
224
00:10:37,770 --> 00:10:39,738
[BAND PLAYING]
225
00:10:51,150 --> 00:10:53,175
Guys, what the hell?
"Getting Rid of Britta"?
226
00:10:53,386 --> 00:10:55,479
That song was
disrespectful to me
227
00:10:55,688 --> 00:10:57,747
and to the definition
of rhyme scheme.
228
00:10:57,957 --> 00:11:01,586
Wow. If you don't like my song, you
don't have to listen, all right?
229
00:11:01,794 --> 00:11:04,126
I'm an artist
and I write what I feel.
230
00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:05,854
And I feel that you suck.
231
00:11:06,065 --> 00:11:08,192
PIERCE:
Oh, oh. All right, hold on, Vaughn.
232
00:11:08,401 --> 00:11:10,562
Can I have a word with you?
233
00:11:14,740 --> 00:11:17,368
Could you come here,
please, for a second?
234
00:11:20,146 --> 00:11:21,443
What did you just say to her?
235
00:11:21,647 --> 00:11:24,309
Listen, I know Britta's your friend,
but my song is more important.
236
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:26,610
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
237
00:11:26,819 --> 00:11:27,808
Your song?
238
00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:30,488
We wrote it together.
Are you trying to Garfunkel me?
239
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:32,419
Maybe, assuming
to Garfunkel someone
240
00:11:32,625 --> 00:11:35,719
is to put up with them even
though they're a fat, lazy cat
241
00:11:35,928 --> 00:11:38,226
who hogs the spotlight
and eats all the lasagna.
242
00:11:38,431 --> 00:11:42,299
I get it. You're jealous of me.
What? Why?
243
00:11:42,501 --> 00:11:44,867
Maybe because when
I put on these skinny jeans
244
00:11:45,071 --> 00:11:47,005
my ass looks
like a baby pumpkin.
245
00:11:47,206 --> 00:11:50,039
Or maybe because I'm not
a small-nippled credit-hogging jag
246
00:11:50,242 --> 00:11:52,142
who only knows
three power chords.
247
00:11:52,344 --> 00:11:54,073
My band, my song.
248
00:11:56,382 --> 00:11:58,350
You want that, huh, Pierce?
How do you like that?
249
00:11:59,685 --> 00:12:00,879
Aah!
250
00:12:01,787 --> 00:12:03,152
You get on that horse.
251
00:12:03,355 --> 00:12:05,255
VAUGHN:
Lates!
252
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:11,052
Pierce, did you just defend
my honor?
253
00:12:11,297 --> 00:12:12,628
Huh?
254
00:12:13,766 --> 00:12:15,859
Oh, yeah. Totally.
255
00:12:16,068 --> 00:12:20,232
You'll light the candles
and you'll take a bite
256
00:12:20,439 --> 00:12:22,930
and she'll take a bite
and you'll laugh.
257
00:12:23,142 --> 00:12:24,632
[LAUGHS]
258
00:12:24,844 --> 00:12:26,812
And you'll offer her
your letter jacket
259
00:12:27,012 --> 00:12:30,470
after you notice this funny way
she shakes when she gets cold.
260
00:12:30,683 --> 00:12:34,619
And she'll feel like
the luckiest girl in the world.
261
00:12:34,820 --> 00:12:36,287
Right.
262
00:12:36,489 --> 00:12:37,979
[###]
263
00:12:38,190 --> 00:12:41,751
I couldn't have done this without
your help. You're really nice.
264
00:12:41,961 --> 00:12:43,826
We should've hung out more
in high school.
265
00:12:44,697 --> 00:12:47,131
Remember when you pretended
to be my backpack?
266
00:12:47,333 --> 00:12:50,530
Oh. Yeah, yeah.
267
00:12:50,736 --> 00:12:52,101
I'm funny.
268
00:12:54,306 --> 00:12:56,171
All right. Ah.
269
00:12:56,375 --> 00:12:58,070
I gotta go get ready.
270
00:12:58,277 --> 00:13:00,871
Troy, wait. I have to tell you.
271
00:13:06,285 --> 00:13:08,549
My appendix is bursting.
What?
272
00:13:08,754 --> 00:13:10,722
Yeah. Yeah.
273
00:13:10,923 --> 00:13:12,754
My appendix is bursting.
274
00:13:13,159 --> 00:13:14,319
[SCREAMS]
275
00:13:14,527 --> 00:13:16,085
Oh. Oh, no.
276
00:13:16,295 --> 00:13:19,389
Okay, two young students.
277
00:13:19,598 --> 00:13:21,498
I think I've been
to this dance before.
278
00:13:21,700 --> 00:13:23,565
You guys are
sexual partners, right?
279
00:13:23,769 --> 00:13:24,758
[LAUGHS]
280
00:13:24,970 --> 00:13:26,164
Us? No.
281
00:13:26,372 --> 00:13:29,170
No, he's my very good friend,
and I have appendicitis.
282
00:13:29,375 --> 00:13:30,672
Oh.
283
00:13:33,445 --> 00:13:35,413
Thanks for bringing me here.
284
00:13:35,614 --> 00:13:37,639
Guess I ruined your date, huh?
NURSE: Okay.
285
00:13:38,117 --> 00:13:40,381
Doesn't seem to be
anything wrong with you.
286
00:13:40,586 --> 00:13:42,850
Cool. I'll see you.
287
00:13:43,856 --> 00:13:44,845
[SCREAMS]
288
00:13:45,057 --> 00:13:46,922
God. Where does it hurt?
289
00:13:47,126 --> 00:13:48,286
Everywhere.
290
00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:51,486
We have to quarantine you.
We gotta get you to a safe distance.
291
00:13:51,697 --> 00:13:53,096
My date's on the east lawn.
292
00:13:53,299 --> 00:13:54,664
East lawn, perfect.
Great.
293
00:13:54,867 --> 00:13:56,801
Wait, wait. This is a date?
294
00:13:57,002 --> 00:13:58,128
Yeah, you need these.
295
00:13:58,337 --> 00:14:01,500
Nice. I'll be thinking of you.
296
00:14:01,707 --> 00:14:03,038
Okay, I need to go.
297
00:14:03,242 --> 00:14:04,231
No, we...
298
00:14:04,443 --> 00:14:06,775
We have to observe you
overnight. It's policy.
299
00:14:06,979 --> 00:14:08,947
We don't want another
Vanessa Parsons on our hands.
300
00:14:09,148 --> 00:14:12,447
She was the Typhoid Mary
of herpes.
301
00:14:13,786 --> 00:14:17,483
I'm kind of the Hawkeye
around here, so it's kind of a...
302
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,055
Are you seeing anybody?
303
00:14:21,026 --> 00:14:23,017
[###]
304
00:14:23,229 --> 00:14:25,026
You guys weren't
in Spanish class.
305
00:14:25,231 --> 00:14:26,459
Knight Rider marathon.
306
00:14:26,665 --> 00:14:29,566
The shadowy flight into the world
of a man who does not exist.
307
00:14:31,804 --> 00:14:34,671
[MUMBLING]
308
00:14:35,241 --> 00:14:36,401
Britta, may I have a word?
309
00:14:41,013 --> 00:14:42,344
Has this always been here?
310
00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:43,981
You need to take Jeff back.
311
00:14:44,183 --> 00:14:46,583
Mmm. Never had him,
don't want him, especially now.
312
00:14:46,785 --> 00:14:49,515
He's got a real Phil Spector
vibe going.
313
00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:50,814
ABED:
He's like E.T.
314
00:14:51,023 --> 00:14:52,957
He crashed in my place
and we're friends now,
315
00:14:53,158 --> 00:14:55,023
which is great for me,
but bad for him.
316
00:14:55,227 --> 00:14:58,162
He needs to get back.
What am I supposed to do?
317
00:14:58,797 --> 00:15:01,095
Use your lady parts.
Abed.
318
00:15:01,300 --> 00:15:04,235
Don't be naive. The charge between
you two is keeping him going.
319
00:15:04,436 --> 00:15:07,894
Tell him you'll make love to him if he takes
a shower and finds a nice place to live.
320
00:15:08,107 --> 00:15:10,575
I'm heading back.
Pavel's making bobka.
321
00:15:11,644 --> 00:15:12,633
Do it, Britta. Seduce him.
322
00:15:12,845 --> 00:15:16,406
Draw the tapeworm of Jeff's old self out
with the milk that is your sexuality.
323
00:15:16,615 --> 00:15:17,980
No.
324
00:15:18,484 --> 00:15:19,542
Then say goodbye to E.T.
325
00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:21,447
[###]
326
00:15:22,621 --> 00:15:24,953
Abed, it's open.
327
00:15:29,194 --> 00:15:32,288
LOUISE JEFFERSON [ON TV]:
And your wife is married to an idiot.
328
00:15:33,032 --> 00:15:34,294
What's wrong now, woman?
329
00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:35,489
LOUISE:
You.
330
00:15:35,701 --> 00:15:37,965
You can't see further than them...
331
00:15:38,170 --> 00:15:39,159
[TURNS TV OFF]
332
00:15:39,371 --> 00:15:41,737
What are you doing?
That was The Jeffersons, honky.
333
00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:45,308
I was wrong, okay?
Material possessions are important.
334
00:15:45,511 --> 00:15:49,038
How much happier were the Jeffersons
than that family on Good Times?
335
00:15:49,248 --> 00:15:52,274
Yeah, but they had good times.
Do good times really matter?
336
00:15:52,484 --> 00:15:54,816
What about good cars,
good lobster?
337
00:15:55,020 --> 00:15:59,013
What about that sport where
the British people ride the horses
338
00:15:59,224 --> 00:16:00,657
with the really long hammers?
339
00:16:00,859 --> 00:16:02,622
Jeez, you are way out
of your element here.
340
00:16:02,828 --> 00:16:05,763
Yes, and I do not believe
a single word I am saying for me.
341
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:06,954
But for you?
342
00:16:07,166 --> 00:16:10,329
Maybe you're one of those rare people
with nothing underneath the surface.
343
00:16:10,536 --> 00:16:14,302
Maybe if you put stain remover
on a turd, you don't get a diamond.
344
00:16:14,506 --> 00:16:17,566
You just get a turd
with less direction in life.
345
00:16:17,776 --> 00:16:19,903
Thanks, coach.
Can you turn the TV back on?
346
00:16:21,113 --> 00:16:22,307
[GROANS]
347
00:16:26,452 --> 00:16:29,910
Faucets.
Italian faucets. Handcrafted.
348
00:16:30,122 --> 00:16:31,384
These look like...
349
00:16:31,590 --> 00:16:32,955
Wait.
350
00:16:33,459 --> 00:16:37,828
I made this notch to indicate
optimal cleansing temperature
351
00:16:38,030 --> 00:16:40,590
for combination skin.
352
00:16:40,799 --> 00:16:41,788
These were mine?
353
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:44,367
For a fancy condo,
you've got awful security.
354
00:16:44,570 --> 00:16:46,970
Install those in a new apartment
so that every day,
355
00:16:47,172 --> 00:16:49,265
when you spend
too much time on your hair,
356
00:16:49,475 --> 00:16:50,908
you can look down and think:
357
00:16:51,110 --> 00:16:54,637
"I was a huge phony before.
I can do it again."
358
00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:56,439
Yeah.
359
00:16:58,684 --> 00:17:01,710
You're into me.
I beg your unbelievable pardon?
360
00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:05,822
Look at all this work you're doing
just to have me around again.
361
00:17:06,658 --> 00:17:09,491
You were more attracted to me
than you were willing to admit.
362
00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:12,323
I was doing this all for Abed.
You are the worst.
363
00:17:13,065 --> 00:17:15,329
Yeah, clearly.
364
00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:17,502
[###]
365
00:17:20,706 --> 00:17:22,333
Sorry.
MAN: Greendale, thank you for...
366
00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:23,565
[CLEARS THROAT]
367
00:17:23,776 --> 00:17:27,542
I want you to know I haven't changed
my mind about the band. I'm out.
368
00:17:27,746 --> 00:17:29,577
MAN: We wanna recognize
a couple of sponsors.
369
00:17:29,782 --> 00:17:31,340
First off is Anderson Septic.
370
00:17:31,550 --> 00:17:34,383
Also, do me a favor,
will you? Lay off Britta.
371
00:17:34,586 --> 00:17:37,077
I mean, she may walk
like she just got off a horse,
372
00:17:37,289 --> 00:17:41,953
but underneath all that clown
makeup, she's a good kid.
373
00:17:42,161 --> 00:17:44,959
Mm-hm. No worries, man.
374
00:17:45,631 --> 00:17:47,622
I've moved on.
375
00:17:47,933 --> 00:17:50,527
Lates.
Lates, okay.
376
00:17:50,736 --> 00:17:51,896
Snakes. What...?
377
00:17:52,104 --> 00:17:53,571
Greendale!
378
00:17:53,772 --> 00:17:55,740
[CROWD CHEERING]
379
00:17:55,941 --> 00:17:57,875
[BAND PLAYING]
380
00:18:00,946 --> 00:18:04,882
[SINGING] ♪ Pierce, I don't
need you In my band ♪
381
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:08,611
♪ I don't need your heart
Or your hand ♪
382
00:18:08,821 --> 00:18:11,654
♪ I am my own person ♪
383
00:18:11,857 --> 00:18:13,381
♪ And, Pierce, you're a B ♪
384
00:18:14,026 --> 00:18:15,721
Yeah, you heard me say it.
385
00:18:16,361 --> 00:18:19,353
♪ Pierce, you're a B ♪
386
00:18:22,568 --> 00:18:23,557
ANNIE:
No!
387
00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:29,400
Before you two proceed,
I have one thing to say.
388
00:18:33,245 --> 00:18:35,543
Did you say it already?
389
00:18:36,081 --> 00:18:37,446
I want my nana's blanket back.
390
00:18:39,318 --> 00:18:40,478
Do you guys mind?
391
00:18:40,986 --> 00:18:42,510
Could you scoot over?
392
00:18:42,721 --> 00:18:44,416
It's an heirloom. I want it.
393
00:18:47,192 --> 00:18:48,819
Thank you.
394
00:18:49,027 --> 00:18:50,085
Have a nice date.
395
00:18:53,532 --> 00:18:54,999
I don't care what you think.
396
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:56,792
For me, that was huge.
397
00:18:57,002 --> 00:19:00,165
I know, sweetie.
Let's go find you some pants.
398
00:19:00,372 --> 00:19:03,102
Okay?
Yeah, cool, thanks.
399
00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:04,935
[RAPPING] ♪ This a song
for Pierce Him so old ♪
400
00:19:05,344 --> 00:19:07,141
♪ His body made
Of wrinkles and folds ♪
401
00:19:07,346 --> 00:19:09,280
♪ Stupid and ugly
He smells like a fart ♪
402
00:19:09,481 --> 00:19:11,506
♪ Poo-poo in his pants
And poo-poo in my heart ♪♪
403
00:19:13,118 --> 00:19:15,643
Hey, look what the cat dragged
out and licked clean.
404
00:19:16,088 --> 00:19:17,521
I saw how much you missed me,
405
00:19:17,723 --> 00:19:20,283
and smelled what happens
to Pavel on cabbage night,
406
00:19:20,492 --> 00:19:23,518
and realized the world
was better off with me in it.
407
00:19:25,664 --> 00:19:27,256
Thanks.
408
00:19:27,599 --> 00:19:30,295
For caring.
409
00:19:31,470 --> 00:19:32,869
Hey.
410
00:19:33,872 --> 00:19:35,430
You looked like you moved out.
411
00:19:35,641 --> 00:19:39,077
I checked into a motel
and I'm looking for apartments.
412
00:19:40,779 --> 00:19:42,872
You would've been fine
with me staying forever?
413
00:19:43,081 --> 00:19:44,139
Yup.
414
00:19:44,616 --> 00:19:47,016
You're pretty cool, Abed.
You're a huge nerd.
415
00:19:47,219 --> 00:19:48,880
Thanks.
416
00:19:50,589 --> 00:19:54,821
ALL [SINGING]: ♪ Pierce, Pierce,
Pierce Pierce, you're a B ♪
417
00:19:56,662 --> 00:19:58,061
I'm Pierce.
418
00:19:58,263 --> 00:19:59,753
Yeah, song's about me.
419
00:19:59,965 --> 00:20:03,833
♪ Pierce, Pierce, Pierce
Pierce, you're a B ♪
420
00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:05,628
WOMAN: Yeah!
MAN 1: Yeah!
421
00:20:05,837 --> 00:20:07,031
VAUGHN:
Come on, sing it for me.
422
00:20:07,239 --> 00:20:10,037
ALL:
♪ Pierce, Pierce, Pierce ♪
423
00:20:10,242 --> 00:20:12,904
♪ Pierce, you're a B ♪
424
00:20:14,112 --> 00:20:15,477
MAN 2:
Yeah, he is.
425
00:20:15,681 --> 00:20:18,411
♪ Pierce, Pierce, Pierce ♪
426
00:20:18,617 --> 00:20:21,552
♪ Pierce, you're a B ♪♪
427
00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:24,147
VAUGHN:
Ow!
428
00:20:24,356 --> 00:20:25,448
[CROWD CHEERING]
429
00:20:25,657 --> 00:20:29,821
We are Some Worries!
Good night, Greendale!
430
00:20:31,730 --> 00:20:33,664
[RAPPING] ♪ East side, west
side North side, south ♪
431
00:20:33,865 --> 00:20:36,561
♪ Vaughn's breath is so bad
His butt's mad at his mouth ♪
432
00:20:36,768 --> 00:20:38,929
♪ This rap is by Pierce
Vaughn is dumb ♪
433
00:20:39,137 --> 00:20:41,867
♪ He wears diapers to bed
And sucks his mother's thumb ♪
434
00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:44,235
♪ And when he wakes up stupid
Wishing he was me ♪
435
00:20:44,443 --> 00:20:47,378
♪ He has a big poop breakfast
With a glass of pee ♪
436
00:20:47,579 --> 00:20:49,945
♪ Then he goes to school
Where he's stupid again ♪
437
00:20:50,148 --> 00:20:52,412
♪ And everybody hates him
Even all his friends ♪
438
00:20:52,618 --> 00:20:54,950
♪ When you come after Pierce
Then the battle is on ♪
439
00:20:55,153 --> 00:20:58,816
♪ So this rap goes out
To stupid Vaughn ♪♪
440
00:20:59,658 --> 00:21:02,218
Uh-huh. Well played, Pierce.
441
00:21:02,427 --> 00:21:04,224
This isn't over.
442
00:21:05,764 --> 00:21:07,925
[HIP-HOP BEAT
PLAYING OVER KE YBOARD]