1
00:00:00,534 --> 00:00:01,634
So then the guy says
to the housekeeper,

2
00:00:01,701 --> 00:00:03,400
"Make sure she's dead."

3
00:00:03,467 --> 00:00:04,901
Stop me if you heard this one before.

4
00:00:04,968 --> 00:00:07,267
Would have been nice to have
that option 27 minutes ago.

5
00:00:07,334 --> 00:00:09,067
The housekeeper says to the guy,

6
00:00:09,133 --> 00:00:11,200
"We don't have a pool."

7
00:00:13,067 --> 00:00:14,334
And the guy says...

8
00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:15,467
Good morning, Greendale!

9
00:00:15,534 --> 00:00:16,567
Just a reminder,

10
00:00:16,634 --> 00:00:17,668
our debate team will bring home

11
00:00:17,733 --> 00:00:19,134
the championship tomorrow
versus "City College".

12
00:00:19,201 --> 00:00:21,067
Go, "Human Beings"!

13
00:00:21,134 --> 00:00:24,334
Great. Now I got to start
the whole joke over again.

14
00:00:24,401 --> 00:00:26,067
- Okay, so this guy...
- No!

15
00:00:26,134 --> 00:00:27,499
I've got one for you.

16
00:00:27,500 --> 00:00:29,592
A doddering old fool

17
00:00:29,734 --> 00:00:31,734
walks into a bar, tells a stupid joke,

18
00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:35,001
and I crush his windpipe
with my three-ring binder.

19
00:00:35,067 --> 00:00:37,267
I don't get it.

20
00:00:37,334 --> 00:00:38,267
Britta's trying to give up cigarettes.

21
00:00:38,334 --> 00:00:39,500
Don't tell them my business.

22
00:00:39,567 --> 00:00:41,867
I will slap that smug look

23
00:00:41,934 --> 00:00:43,533
right off your pointy face.

24
00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:45,567
Britta, I'm saying this

25
00:00:45,633 --> 00:00:47,067
because I care about you

26
00:00:47,134 --> 00:00:48,767
and you're my friend.

27
00:00:48,834 --> 00:00:50,234
You need to start smoking again.

28
00:00:50,301 --> 00:00:51,834
- I really think you should.
- Absolutely.

29
00:00:51,900 --> 00:00:52,934
They say it makes you lose weight,
and your skin looks

30
00:00:53,001 --> 00:00:54,368
really great when you do smoke.

31
00:00:54,434 --> 00:00:56,267
Guys, I really appreciate your support,

32
00:00:56,334 --> 00:00:57,734
but I've got to quit this time.

33
00:00:57,800 --> 00:00:59,633
Have you thought about hypnotherapy?

34
00:00:59,700 --> 00:01:01,167
I know a dynamite hypnotherapist.

35
00:01:01,234 --> 00:01:02,234
Ten-to-one says it's him.

36
00:01:02,301 --> 00:01:03,700
His name is Pierce Hawthorne.

37
00:01:03,767 --> 00:01:05,767
And I'm very effective.

38
00:01:05,834 --> 00:01:07,533
Can you help me block out
people's voices

39
00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:08,667
I find extremely annoying?

40
00:01:09,734 --> 00:01:11,468
Jeff, she's right there.

41
00:01:11,533 --> 00:01:15,301
Pierce, I would be
grateful for your help.

42
00:01:09,734 --> 00:01:11,468
Jeff, she's right there.

43
00:01:11,533 --> 00:01:15,301
- pierce, i would be grateful
for your help.

44
00:01:19,900 --> 00:01:21,401
Plus, I just yelled at him.

45
00:01:21,468 --> 00:01:22,667
You yelled at me too.

46
00:01:22,734 --> 00:01:24,834
Oh, did I hurt your feelings,
pointy face?

47
00:01:24,900 --> 00:01:26,767
Wow. Wow.

48
00:01:26,834 --> 00:01:29,767
Have you seen the film
"Department's web site"?

49
00:01:29,834 --> 00:01:32,234
What do you think?

50
00:01:32,301 --> 00:01:34,468
All of Abed's films are about us.

51
00:01:34,533 --> 00:01:36,301
- What?
- Check it out.

52
00:01:38,034 --> 00:01:39,201
What else is new?

53
00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:41,500
- Jeff.
- Hola.

54
00:01:41,567 --> 00:01:44,600
Jeff, stop being so relaxed.
We need to talk to you about...

55
00:01:44,667 --> 00:01:46,134
We know you're living out of your car.

56
00:01:46,201 --> 00:01:47,267
Why, on Lord's good Earth,

57
00:01:47,334 --> 00:01:48,600
are you living out of your car, boy?

58
00:01:48,667 --> 00:01:50,034
Those people look just like us.

59
00:01:50,101 --> 00:01:51,700
- That's eerie.
- Fine, it's true.

60
00:01:51,767 --> 00:01:53,867
I'm living out of my car.

61
00:01:53,934 --> 00:01:56,934
And I don't want anyone's help.

62
00:01:57,001 --> 00:01:59,067
We had almost that exact
conversation last week.

63
00:01:59,134 --> 00:02:02,734
Yeah, but Abed posted
this video two weeks ago.

64
00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:07,368
That boy's a soothsayer.

65
00:02:07,434 --> 00:02:08,800
This is wrinkling my brain.

66
00:02:08,867 --> 00:02:10,533
This is wrinkling my brain.

67
00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:12,301
That's wrinkling my brain.

68
00:02:12,368 --> 00:02:14,101
Get a load of these wrinkles.

69
00:02:14,167 --> 00:02:15,401
Who's that old guy?

70
00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:17,334
Hi, I'm Pierce Hawthorne.

71
00:02:17,401 --> 00:02:18,700
Oh, come on!

72
00:02:18,767 --> 00:02:24,734
Sync by honeybunny - Corrected by 4be1
www.addic7ed.com

73
00:02:24,767 --> 00:02:26,134
There he is.

74
00:02:26,201 --> 00:02:28,034
Oh, Mr. Winger...

75
00:02:28,101 --> 00:02:29,468
Mr. Winger, did you happen to hear

76
00:02:29,533 --> 00:02:30,700
- my announcement this morning?
- I hang on every word.

77
00:02:30,767 --> 00:02:32,001
I'm gonna assume that's sarcasm.

78
00:02:32,067 --> 00:02:33,201
Correct.

79
00:02:33,267 --> 00:02:34,368
So you didn't hear my announcement?

80
00:02:34,434 --> 00:02:35,234
- I'm barely listening now.
- Oh.

81
00:02:35,301 --> 00:02:37,368
My debate partner dropped out,

82
00:02:37,434 --> 00:02:39,201
and we need you to fill in for him
at the championship tonight.

83
00:02:39,267 --> 00:02:40,500
Jeffrey, as debate coach,

84
00:02:40,567 --> 00:02:42,600
I am offering you an opportunity

85
00:02:42,667 --> 00:02:45,167
to spend the night drinking
from the cup of life

86
00:02:45,234 --> 00:02:46,500
rather than romancing
your nether regions

87
00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:47,500
in front of the E! channel.

88
00:02:47,567 --> 00:02:48,900
Come on, Jeff.

89
00:02:48,967 --> 00:02:50,834
I mean, who better than a former lawyer

90
00:02:50,900 --> 00:02:53,067
to really stick it to
those "City College" snobs

91
00:02:53,134 --> 00:02:55,533
and their star debater Simmons?

92
00:02:55,600 --> 00:02:57,134
Mm, pass.

93
00:02:57,201 --> 00:02:59,101
Okay. No, no.

94
00:02:59,167 --> 00:03:01,334
Okay, wait. Wait. Okay, no, no. Look.

95
00:03:01,401 --> 00:03:03,001
Listen, jerkwad... I'm sorry.

96
00:03:03,067 --> 00:03:04,600
That got heated.

97
00:03:04,667 --> 00:03:06,500
Greendale needs a win.

98
00:03:06,567 --> 00:03:09,533
The best compliment
our sports program gets

99
00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:11,334
is that our basketball
team is really gay,

100
00:03:11,401 --> 00:03:13,500
so what's it gonna take?

101
00:03:13,567 --> 00:03:14,867
You know, a plum parking space,

102
00:03:14,934 --> 00:03:16,834
free meals,

103
00:03:16,900 --> 00:03:21,834
a night of companionship
if you know what I mean.

104
00:03:21,900 --> 00:03:24,633
I'll do it for the parking space.

105
00:03:24,700 --> 00:03:26,767
And if you promise not
to tell me what you mean.

106
00:03:26,834 --> 00:03:29,134
Okay.

107
00:03:29,201 --> 00:03:31,201
Pierce, thank you.

108
00:03:31,267 --> 00:03:32,567
I really appreciate you helping me out.

109
00:03:32,633 --> 00:03:34,401
And I appreciate the opportunity.

110
00:03:34,468 --> 00:03:36,001
You know, sometimes, I think

111
00:03:36,067 --> 00:03:37,034
people don't take me seriously.

112
00:03:37,101 --> 00:03:38,500
So what are you gonna do?

113
00:03:38,567 --> 00:03:40,800
Wave a pocket watch in front of my face

114
00:03:40,867 --> 00:03:42,934
and tell me I'm getting very sleepy?

115
00:03:44,468 --> 00:03:45,600
Just checking the time.

116
00:03:46,700 --> 00:03:48,267
Now close your eyes.

117
00:03:48,334 --> 00:03:50,633
Keep them closed at all times.

118
00:03:50,700 --> 00:03:54,967
And listen to the
soothing sound of my voice.

119
00:03:55,034 --> 00:03:57,468
The only word that will bring you out

120
00:03:57,533 --> 00:03:59,533
is "gorilla".

121
00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:02,267
Okay, now focus on the rhythm

122
00:04:02,334 --> 00:04:06,134
of your own breathing.

123
00:04:06,201 --> 00:04:07,533
And when you feel the desire

124
00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:08,633
to light up a cigarette,

125
00:04:08,700 --> 00:04:10,667
you will associate these urges

126
00:04:10,734 --> 00:04:12,067
with things in your
life that disgust you.

127
00:04:12,134 --> 00:04:13,800
Bad-tasting food.

128
00:04:13,867 --> 00:04:15,167
Sex with men.

129
00:04:15,234 --> 00:04:17,034
Wearing attractive clothing.

130
00:04:17,101 --> 00:04:19,867
And soon...

131
00:04:19,934 --> 00:04:22,700
Oh, God, I think I really hurt myself!

132
00:04:22,767 --> 00:04:24,368
Somebody help me.

133
00:04:24,434 --> 00:04:26,401
Oh, Britta, wake up!

134
00:04:26,468 --> 00:04:28,134
Why'd I put you under so well?

135
00:04:28,201 --> 00:04:31,533
Damn my talent.

136
00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:35,101
Topic for debate is "are
people inherently good or evil?"

137
00:04:35,167 --> 00:04:37,368
So when do you want to
get together to strategize?

138
00:04:37,434 --> 00:04:38,934
Annie, I was a lawyer.

139
00:04:39,001 --> 00:04:40,667
I was a debater for money.

140
00:04:40,734 --> 00:04:43,834
I think I can handle this.

141
00:04:43,900 --> 00:04:45,900
How was hypnotherapy?

142
00:04:45,967 --> 00:04:47,967
He fell down and screamed in pain

143
00:04:48,034 --> 00:04:49,401
while I laid there with my eyes closed

144
00:04:49,468 --> 00:04:51,067
to make him feel like
a good hypnotherapist.

145
00:04:51,134 --> 00:04:51,967
You realize this will never end.

146
00:04:52,034 --> 00:04:53,667
It's already done.

147
00:04:53,734 --> 00:04:55,500
He just wants one more session.

148
00:04:55,567 --> 00:04:58,167
- Wa-wa.
- Where's Abed?

149
00:04:58,234 --> 00:04:59,101
I need to talk to him about his films.

150
00:04:59,167 --> 00:05:00,700
That boy's flat out prescient.

151
00:05:00,767 --> 00:05:03,334
He can read our minds.

152
00:05:05,834 --> 00:05:06,934
I know what you're gonna say.

153
00:05:07,001 --> 00:05:07,900
You watched my movies on the website.

154
00:05:07,967 --> 00:05:08,700
- He's a witch!
- Get him!

155
00:05:08,767 --> 00:05:10,201
No, I'm not a witch.

156
00:05:10,267 --> 00:05:11,301
I'm a student of human character.

157
00:05:11,368 --> 00:05:12,600
I know you guys all so well

158
00:05:12,667 --> 00:05:15,301
I can predict your behavior.
Like Shirley.

159
00:05:15,368 --> 00:05:18,834
I know you're a sweet,
Christian, generous person.

160
00:05:18,900 --> 00:05:21,800
- Oh, that's nice.
- Oh, that's nice.

161
00:05:21,867 --> 00:05:23,567
I also know you have
thinly veiled rage issues.

162
00:05:23,633 --> 00:05:25,334
- Careful, boy.
- Oh.

163
00:05:25,401 --> 00:05:26,434
Here. Check this out.

164
00:05:26,533 --> 00:05:29,667
- May I?
- Yeah.

165
00:05:29,734 --> 00:05:30,967
Jeff's character acts

166
00:05:31,034 --> 00:05:32,301
like nothing around here affects him.

167
00:05:32,368 --> 00:05:33,500
But things bother him
more than he lets on.

168
00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:35,368
Hey, I'm top of the class.

169
00:05:35,434 --> 00:05:37,533
Gah!

170
00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:39,867
He's also very vain.

171
00:05:39,934 --> 00:05:41,867
Ridiculous.

172
00:05:41,934 --> 00:05:44,368
Oh.

173
00:05:44,434 --> 00:05:46,167
Why am I crying?

174
00:05:46,234 --> 00:05:48,934
What, I accidentally listen to
"Come sail away" by Styx again?

175
00:05:49,001 --> 00:05:49,900
You don't have to worry, Troy.

176
00:05:49,967 --> 00:05:50,900
It's just a movie.

177
00:05:50,967 --> 00:05:52,533
I can't predict the future.

178
00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:55,934
My leg. I hurt my leg. Aah!

179
00:05:56,001 --> 00:05:59,267
What up, happy people?

180
00:05:59,334 --> 00:06:01,500
You tell me my future
right now, you evil wizard!

181
00:06:01,567 --> 00:06:02,867
By the way, Jeff,
I think your shirt's trying

182
00:06:02,934 --> 00:06:04,600
to get out of your pants.

183
00:06:06,401 --> 00:06:10,900
As "Golding's Lord of the Flies"
demonstrates, man,

184
00:06:10,967 --> 00:06:12,500
when left to his own devices,

185
00:06:12,567 --> 00:06:18,533
will descend into chaos and evil.

186
00:06:22,267 --> 00:06:23,267
Whoo!

187
00:06:24,533 --> 00:06:27,334
And now, from "City College",

188
00:06:27,401 --> 00:06:28,867
Jeremy Simmons.

189
00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:45,001
There were 23,000...

190
00:06:45,067 --> 00:06:48,633
kidney donations in America last year.

191
00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:49,934
Man is good.

192
00:06:50,001 --> 00:06:52,633
The average life expectancy

193
00:06:52,700 --> 00:06:56,334
for a man in a community

194
00:06:56,401 --> 00:07:00,401
is 23 years longer than a man alone.

195
00:07:00,468 --> 00:07:01,934
Man is good.

196
00:07:02,001 --> 00:07:04,900
And just ten minutes ago,

197
00:07:04,967 --> 00:07:08,267
a bald, bespectacled man held the door

198
00:07:08,334 --> 00:07:10,600
for a man in a wheelchair.

199
00:07:10,667 --> 00:07:12,134
- Oh.
- Man is good.

200
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:14,867
Oh.

201
00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:16,401
I hate this guy.

202
00:07:16,468 --> 00:07:18,500
By the end of this debate,

203
00:07:18,567 --> 00:07:21,468
I will prove with facts

204
00:07:21,533 --> 00:07:26,834
and data that man is inherently good.

205
00:07:29,468 --> 00:07:32,301
Old trick for achieving
the proper competitive mindset,

206
00:07:32,368 --> 00:07:35,834
I always envision my
opponent having aggressive sex

207
00:07:35,900 --> 00:07:36,867
with my mother.

208
00:07:45,967 --> 00:07:48,067
This feels so formal.

209
00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:51,267
Let's just talk.

210
00:07:51,334 --> 00:07:52,401
People are evil.

211
00:07:52,468 --> 00:07:54,134
They can't help it.

212
00:07:54,201 --> 00:07:55,800
I didn't catch your name.

213
00:07:55,867 --> 00:07:58,401
It's Jean.

214
00:07:58,468 --> 00:07:59,800
Take Jean here.

215
00:07:59,867 --> 00:08:01,667
She spent a lot of time this morning

216
00:08:01,734 --> 00:08:04,700
making herself look so lovely.

217
00:08:04,767 --> 00:08:06,067
Tell me, Jean.

218
00:08:06,134 --> 00:08:07,234
How many people bothered to tell you

219
00:08:07,301 --> 00:08:08,368
how great you look today?

220
00:08:08,434 --> 00:08:09,468
None.

221
00:08:09,533 --> 00:08:11,267
Man is evil.

222
00:08:11,334 --> 00:08:13,034
But you just said how great I looked.

223
00:08:13,101 --> 00:08:16,267
For my own selfish purposes.

224
00:08:16,334 --> 00:08:18,500
The fact is, as hot as you look,

225
00:08:18,567 --> 00:08:21,533
and it is quite hot,

226
00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:23,934
I wouldn't have said anything.

227
00:08:24,001 --> 00:08:26,134
When I talk about people being evil,

228
00:08:26,201 --> 00:08:28,767
I could cite quotes
or dig up statistics,

229
00:08:28,834 --> 00:08:30,434
but those are just words and numbers.

230
00:08:30,500 --> 00:08:34,834
I think we could have a little more fun

231
00:08:34,900 --> 00:08:38,633
if I express myself in song.

232
00:08:38,700 --> 00:08:41,900
♪ Evil woman ♪

233
00:08:41,967 --> 00:08:42,900
♪ Ba na na na na ♪

234
00:08:42,967 --> 00:08:45,034
♪ Evil woman ♪

235
00:08:47,834 --> 00:08:49,468
That's my time, everybody.

236
00:08:49,533 --> 00:08:50,800
Thank you very much.

237
00:08:50,867 --> 00:08:53,734
Yeah!

238
00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:56,767
At the end of round one,

239
00:08:56,834 --> 00:09:01,067
City College: 50,

240
00:09:01,134 --> 00:09:03,934
Greendale: 8.

241
00:09:11,167 --> 00:09:13,800
- I only got 8?
- She got 8. You got 0.

242
00:09:13,867 --> 00:09:16,101
It's a debate. Not "American Idol".

243
00:09:19,167 --> 00:09:21,334
Nice work, LA Law.

244
00:09:21,401 --> 00:09:23,934
All sizzle, no steak.

245
00:09:24,001 --> 00:09:25,500
I don't care, dude.

246
00:09:25,567 --> 00:09:27,368
I'm doing this for a parking space.

247
00:09:27,434 --> 00:09:28,600
Let's go, boys. Come on, let's go.

248
00:09:28,667 --> 00:09:29,767
I want to see some hustlers out here.

249
00:09:29,834 --> 00:09:31,067
Let's go.

250
00:09:31,134 --> 00:09:34,001
By Zeus, what sort
of jackassery is this?

251
00:09:34,067 --> 00:09:35,967
We're in the middle of
a championship debate.

252
00:09:36,034 --> 00:09:37,500
We reserved the gym

253
00:09:37,567 --> 00:09:39,067
for practice.

254
00:09:39,134 --> 00:09:40,767
Uh, yep. They reserved it.

255
00:09:40,834 --> 00:09:43,134
Okay, they've got us by the short ones.

256
00:09:43,201 --> 00:09:45,734
The debate is suspended until tomorrow.

257
00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:48,700
Hopefully, by then,
we can get our act together.

258
00:09:50,368 --> 00:09:52,867
Oh, great try, Bruce! Great try.

259
00:09:54,501 --> 00:09:55,334
Jeff, wait, when are we getting together

260
00:09:55,401 --> 00:09:56,834
to prepare for tomorrow?

261
00:09:56,900 --> 00:09:58,067
Never, because it's stupid,
and I don't care.

262
00:09:58,134 --> 00:10:01,434
Bite me.

263
00:10:02,201 --> 00:10:03,633
Maybe Simmons is right.

264
00:10:03,700 --> 00:10:05,934
You really are all sizzle and no steak.

265
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:07,800
You probably couldn't
beat him if you tried.

266
00:10:07,867 --> 00:10:09,134
What do you mean I can't beat him?

267
00:10:09,201 --> 00:10:10,534
You and I are gonna study harder

268
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:11,867
than we've ever studied before

269
00:10:11,934 --> 00:10:13,367
and beat "City College" tomorrow.

270
00:10:13,434 --> 00:10:16,301
- Really?
- No, who am I, "iCarly"?

271
00:10:16,367 --> 00:10:17,967
Abed is right.

272
00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:20,167
You act like things
don't bother you, but they do.

273
00:10:20,234 --> 00:10:22,568
Look, six months ago, I was a lawyer.

274
00:10:22,633 --> 00:10:24,034
I wore suits.

275
00:10:24,101 --> 00:10:26,800
I used to say stuff like,
"objection" and "sidebar".

276
00:10:26,867 --> 00:10:29,134
Now I'm losing a
community college debate

277
00:10:29,201 --> 00:10:31,134
to Jeremy "soul patch" Simmons.

278
00:10:31,201 --> 00:10:33,967
Hey, Winger.

279
00:10:34,034 --> 00:10:35,600
You like to sing?

280
00:10:35,667 --> 00:10:38,234
I like to sing too.

281
00:10:38,301 --> 00:10:40,134
♪ Zero for Winger ♪

282
00:10:40,201 --> 00:10:41,800
♪ Ba na na na na na ♪

283
00:10:41,867 --> 00:10:43,134
Kick that.

284
00:10:43,201 --> 00:10:45,700
♪ Was a big shot lawyer ♪

285
00:10:45,767 --> 00:10:47,468
♪ Ba na na na na na na ♪

286
00:10:47,534 --> 00:10:53,334
♪ Now he's a loooooser ♪

287
00:10:53,401 --> 00:10:54,501
Lay off, Simmons.

288
00:10:54,568 --> 00:10:55,401
Jeff didn't understand the rules.

289
00:10:55,468 --> 00:10:58,034
Yeah?

290
00:10:58,101 --> 00:11:00,700
What's your excuse, "eight points"?

291
00:11:00,767 --> 00:11:01,767
Dude, leave her out of this.

292
00:11:01,834 --> 00:11:04,934
♪ Little Annie Adderall ♪

293
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:07,934
♪ Was an outcast in high school ♪

294
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,301
That's it. Dude, we are gonna debate

295
00:11:10,367 --> 00:11:12,367
the living crap out of you.

296
00:11:12,434 --> 00:11:15,334
We've got some preparing to do.

297
00:11:15,401 --> 00:11:17,167
I liked you better
when you were smoking.

298
00:11:17,234 --> 00:11:19,700
- I'm so sorry.
- No, you're right.

299
00:11:19,767 --> 00:11:21,267
My feet are long and stupid.

300
00:11:21,334 --> 00:11:23,201
You can't unring that bell.

301
00:11:23,267 --> 00:11:26,167
Oh, no.

302
00:11:26,234 --> 00:11:28,101
That's my newspaper.

303
00:11:28,167 --> 00:11:29,468
What do you need a paper for?

304
00:11:29,534 --> 00:11:30,967
You knew what was
gonna happen yesterday,

305
00:11:31,034 --> 00:11:32,301
you middle-eastern magic eight ball.

306
00:11:32,367 --> 00:11:33,700
Pierce hurt his leg,

307
00:11:33,767 --> 00:11:35,468
Britta made Troy cry.

308
00:11:35,534 --> 00:11:36,800
What's my destiny?

309
00:11:36,867 --> 00:11:37,733
Am I gonna die in a car?

310
00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:39,101
Is it gonna happen soon?

311
00:11:39,167 --> 00:11:40,134
Shirley, I have no psychic abilities.

312
00:11:40,201 --> 00:11:41,633
I'm just an entertainer.

313
00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:43,900
But if it'll make you feel any better,

314
00:11:43,967 --> 00:11:46,867
here, let me show you
what I'm working on.

315
00:11:52,167 --> 00:11:54,767
I'm sorry. Is that me being
chased down by a werewolf?

316
00:11:54,834 --> 00:11:57,301
Yeah. And that's how you'd
behave in that situation, no?

317
00:11:57,367 --> 00:11:59,867
The situation being me being
chased down by a werewolf.

318
00:11:59,934 --> 00:12:03,434
Mm-hmm.

319
00:12:05,700 --> 00:12:08,401
And that's Jeff locking lips with Annie.

320
00:12:08,468 --> 00:12:12,468
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- You're a fool.

321
00:12:12,534 --> 00:12:14,468
So, in the experiment,
Stanford students were divided

322
00:12:14,534 --> 00:12:15,733
into prisoners and guards.

323
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:17,733
- The guards immediately started... 
- Uh!

324
00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:19,101
What's wrong?

325
00:12:19,167 --> 00:12:21,967
I have this weird pain
right above my eyebrow.

326
00:12:22,034 --> 00:12:23,234
It's called a stress headache.

327
00:12:23,301 --> 00:12:24,600
I got my first one when I was four.

328
00:12:24,667 --> 00:12:25,867
I hate it.

329
00:12:25,934 --> 00:12:27,301
Well, get used to it.

330
00:12:27,367 --> 00:12:28,834
You're knee-deep in it now, brother.

331
00:12:28,900 --> 00:12:29,867
This is debate.

332
00:12:29,934 --> 00:12:30,967
If you want to win,

333
00:12:31,034 --> 00:12:32,700
you need to prepare.

334
00:12:32,767 --> 00:12:35,401
Well, agreed, but if you want to win,

335
00:12:35,468 --> 00:12:37,568
you need to loosen up.

336
00:12:37,633 --> 00:12:40,334
Go off book, robot debater.

337
00:12:40,401 --> 00:12:43,700
Oh, my gosh.

338
00:12:43,767 --> 00:12:46,733
You're right.

339
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:50,633
Simmons is so good at
using his inherent magnetism

340
00:12:50,700 --> 00:12:53,034
to sell his points, and here I am,

341
00:12:53,101 --> 00:12:55,334
like a spinster librarian
with my hair pulled back.

342
00:12:55,401 --> 00:12:56,600
Yeah.

343
00:13:06,267 --> 00:13:08,633
- What do you think?
- Yeah.

344
00:13:08,700 --> 00:13:11,834
 Thanks.

345
00:13:11,900 --> 00:13:16,067
Be careful. Abed thinks
you two are gonna kiss.

346
00:13:16,134 --> 00:13:17,767
Ridiculous.

347
00:13:17,834 --> 00:13:19,367
Us.

348
00:13:19,434 --> 00:13:20,600
Kissing.

349
00:13:20,667 --> 00:13:22,401
- That is ridiculous.
- Totally.

350
00:13:28,234 --> 00:13:29,067
We should get back to work.

351
00:13:29,134 --> 00:13:30,800
Yes. Um, okay.

352
00:13:30,867 --> 00:13:34,367
The people are inherently evil.

353
00:13:34,434 --> 00:13:37,267
Ooh, we can use this hobbes quote.

354
00:13:37,334 --> 00:13:39,534
"Man is a collection"

355
00:13:39,633 --> 00:13:40,633
"of base animal urges."

356
00:13:40,700 --> 00:13:43,534
"To act on them and experience"

357
00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:45,967
"sinful pleasure would
be morally no different"

358
00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:48,101
"than taking a breath."

359
00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:52,067
- That's poignant, right?
- Yeah.

360
00:13:52,134 --> 00:13:54,334
You know, maybe we should study alone.

361
00:13:54,401 --> 00:13:55,301
- Yeah.
- Separately.

362
00:13:55,367 --> 00:13:56,667
Aha.

363
00:13:56,733 --> 00:14:00,800
That way we can be more
reproductive... productive!

364
00:14:00,867 --> 00:14:03,700
- Bye.
- Bye.

365
00:14:07,334 --> 00:14:11,101
- Oh, you forgot your phone.
- Well, I can get another one.

366
00:14:11,167 --> 00:14:14,434
The next time you even see a cigarette,

367
00:14:14,501 --> 00:14:17,067
you will think of
things that disgust you.

368
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:25,767
And while you're under so deep,

369
00:14:25,834 --> 00:14:28,267
you'll find yourself attracted

370
00:14:28,334 --> 00:14:30,101
to slightly older men.

371
00:14:30,167 --> 00:14:32,834
Perhaps, some barrel-chested stud

372
00:14:32,900 --> 00:14:36,267
with just enough tummy to love.

373
00:14:36,334 --> 00:14:38,301
You'll want to buy him dinner,

374
00:14:38,367 --> 00:14:40,767
then go back to his hot tub.

375
00:14:40,834 --> 00:14:42,234
Perhaps, you'll invite
one of your friends

376
00:14:42,301 --> 00:14:43,600
to join us for a three-way.

377
00:14:43,667 --> 00:14:46,301
Maybe someone with low self-esteem

378
00:14:46,367 --> 00:14:48,934
and slightly larger breasts.

379
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:51,167
Go to hell, you disgusting pig.

380
00:14:51,234 --> 00:14:52,501
Aha!

381
00:14:52,568 --> 00:14:54,134
Pierce, I was awake the whole time.

382
00:14:54,201 --> 00:14:55,434
- I was faking it.
- I know.

383
00:14:55,501 --> 00:14:57,234
I saw you.

384
00:14:57,301 --> 00:14:58,534
What do you think I am,
some kind of a joke?

385
00:14:58,600 --> 00:14:59,934
No.

386
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,334
No, I was trying to make you

387
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:02,568
feel better about yourself.

388
00:15:02,633 --> 00:15:05,834
How dare you pity me?

389
00:15:05,900 --> 00:15:08,767
I may be a little older,

390
00:15:08,834 --> 00:15:10,401
my ideas may seem weird,

391
00:15:10,468 --> 00:15:12,900
and my fashion sense may cause envy.

392
00:15:12,967 --> 00:15:15,067
But I have a lot to offer.

393
00:15:15,134 --> 00:15:17,167
And I will not be pitied.

394
00:15:25,468 --> 00:15:27,368
Do not help me up.

395
00:15:29,134 --> 00:15:32,534
And as German poet
Franz Wickmeyer once wrote...

396
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:37,167
"Snow falls from the heavens pure."

397
00:15:39,634 --> 00:15:42,833
"We cannot blame the snow for being..."

398
00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:43,800
"soiled by the earth."

399
00:15:48,900 --> 00:15:50,933
Man is good.

400
00:15:55,734 --> 00:15:57,467
What? That dude gets it.

401
00:15:57,534 --> 00:16:00,334
Jeff Winger will now offer
a two minute rebuttal.

402
00:16:03,900 --> 00:16:05,434
Hey, sizzle.

403
00:16:05,501 --> 00:16:06,900
What are you gonna sing tonight?

404
00:16:06,967 --> 00:16:08,601
I'm in the mood for some sade.

405
00:16:13,867 --> 00:16:16,334
In the Stanford prison experiment,

406
00:16:16,401 --> 00:16:20,434
21 out of 21 students,
when given absolute power,

407
00:16:20,501 --> 00:16:23,334
abused and tortured
their fellow students.

408
00:16:23,401 --> 00:16:27,034
My competitor likens people
to pure, falling snow.

409
00:16:27,100 --> 00:16:31,167
I would respond,
"there is none righteous."

410
00:16:31,234 --> 00:16:32,768
"No, not one."

411
00:16:32,833 --> 00:16:35,000
Now I realize Mr. Simmons' quote

412
00:16:35,067 --> 00:16:38,000
was from the great Franz Wickmeyer.

413
00:16:38,067 --> 00:16:41,668
Mine was just from a
simple desert handyman

414
00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:42,833
named Jesus.

415
00:16:46,501 --> 00:16:49,200
Oh, that's nice!

416
00:16:49,267 --> 00:16:51,867
Survival of the fittest wires
an impulse to eliminate people

417
00:16:51,933 --> 00:16:53,401
- into our hearts.
- Counterpoint.

418
00:16:53,467 --> 00:16:55,601
Mother Teresa. Joan of Arc.

419
00:16:55,668 --> 00:16:57,401
- Rebuttal.
- Nuclear bombs.

420
00:16:57,467 --> 00:16:59,534
- Nuclear families.
- Abu Ghraib.

421
00:16:59,601 --> 00:17:00,668
Apu from the "Simpsons".

422
00:17:00,734 --> 00:17:01,900
Double rejoinder.

423
00:17:01,967 --> 00:17:03,734
- Telemarketers.
- Organ donors.

424
00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:05,200
- Hate crimes.
- Executions.

425
00:17:05,267 --> 00:17:06,800
Ketchup is a vegetable.

426
00:17:06,867 --> 00:17:09,668
This is a real barn-burner.

427
00:17:09,734 --> 00:17:11,534
God, did I just say cross-burner?

428
00:17:11,601 --> 00:17:13,267
- No, you did not.
- Oh, God.

429
00:17:13,334 --> 00:17:15,867
- We make an amazing team.
- I know. We're so in sync.

430
00:17:15,933 --> 00:17:18,000
It's like a perfect duet or great s...

431
00:17:18,067 --> 00:17:19,567
- Hey, Professor Whitman.
- Jeffrey.

432
00:17:19,634 --> 00:17:20,933
Your preparation was impeccable.

433
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:22,267
You remind me of a young me

434
00:17:22,334 --> 00:17:24,467
with slightly worse hair.

435
00:17:24,534 --> 00:17:26,301
I just checked with the judges.

436
00:17:26,367 --> 00:17:29,134
They'll need a miracle
to win in rebuttal.

437
00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:31,334
Simmons is finished.

438
00:17:31,401 --> 00:17:34,301
This is too much for me.

439
00:17:35,534 --> 00:17:37,734
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

440
00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:39,467
He's going off book.

441
00:17:40,867 --> 00:17:41,967
Why is he ripping up the cards?

442
00:17:42,034 --> 00:17:43,134
Doesn't he need the cards?

443
00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:45,734
It's a gambit.

444
00:18:23,701 --> 00:18:26,134
He hates me.

445
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:28,634
Yet he caught me.

446
00:18:28,701 --> 00:18:29,867
Ooh.

447
00:18:29,933 --> 00:18:32,334
Man is good.

448
00:18:47,267 --> 00:18:50,867
Abed, Abed.

449
00:18:50,933 --> 00:18:53,367
He was horny.

450
00:18:53,434 --> 00:18:56,100
So he dropped him.

451
00:18:58,601 --> 00:19:01,800
Man is evil.

452
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:08,501
Greendale wins.

453
00:19:08,567 --> 00:19:11,800
Huzzah!

454
00:19:14,367 --> 00:19:17,434
Eat that, Simmons.

455
00:19:17,501 --> 00:19:20,000
♪ Alabama, Arkansas ♪

456
00:19:20,067 --> 00:19:20,967
♪ I do love my ma and pa ♪

457
00:19:21,034 --> 00:19:22,267
That off book enough for ya?

458
00:19:22,334 --> 00:19:24,501
♪ Not the way that I do love you ♪

459
00:19:26,301 --> 00:19:27,301
♪ Ah, home ♪

460
00:19:27,367 --> 00:19:28,634
♪ Let me come home ♪

461
00:19:28,701 --> 00:19:30,034
Simmons got robbed.

462
00:19:30,100 --> 00:19:31,134
They kissed.

463
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:32,734
You do have powers.

464
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:34,134
I'm gonna die by werewolf.

465
00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:36,234
Shirley, I don't have powers. Trust me.

466
00:19:36,301 --> 00:19:39,034
In my next film, we discover
that Pierce is an actual genius.

467
00:19:39,100 --> 00:19:40,467
Well, that's not gonna happen.

468
00:19:40,534 --> 00:19:41,501
No, it's not.

469
00:19:41,567 --> 00:19:42,701
Pierce,

470
00:19:42,768 --> 00:19:44,167
I can't smoke a cigarette

471
00:19:44,234 --> 00:19:46,467
without thinking of a
three-way in your hot tub.

472
00:19:46,534 --> 00:19:48,000
You did it.

473
00:19:48,067 --> 00:19:49,668
Yes. I did?

474
00:19:49,734 --> 00:19:53,967
- You're a genius.
- Ah! Who's the third?

475
00:19:54,034 --> 00:19:56,534
You did great in there!

476
00:19:56,601 --> 00:19:58,833
Let's take this bacchanalia outside.

477
00:19:58,900 --> 00:20:03,401
- Full moon tonight.
- Whoo!

478
00:20:03,467 --> 00:20:05,601
Shirley.

479
00:20:05,668 --> 00:20:09,567
Well, I'm going this way, so...

480
00:20:09,634 --> 00:20:13,401
Well, um, congratulations, buddy.

481
00:20:13,467 --> 00:20:16,334
Thanks, pal.

482
00:20:22,067 --> 00:20:26,034
Just pat me.

483
00:20:35,634 --> 00:20:37,933
<i>Donde esta la biblioteca?</i>

484
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:40,467
<i>Me llamo T-Bone, la arana discoteca.</i>

485
00:20:40,534 --> 00:20:42,034
<i>Discoteca, muneca,</i>

486
00:20:42,100 --> 00:20:45,634
<i>la biblioteca es en bigote
grande, perro, manteca.</i>

487
00:20:45,701 --> 00:20:47,387
<i>Manteca, bigote, gigante...</i>

488
00:20:47,388 --> 00:20:47,967
Cut, cut.

489
00:20:48,034 --> 00:20:49,334
Let me ask you a question.
Do you hate this?

490
00:20:49,401 --> 00:20:51,000
Do you hate doing this?

491
00:20:51,067 --> 00:20:52,434
Do you?

492
00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:54,367
Let me talk to you.
Can I talk to you for a second?

493
00:20:54,434 --> 00:20:56,167
Just hold on. What is this?

494
00:20:56,234 --> 00:20:57,668
I don't know.

495
00:20:57,734 --> 00:21:02,134
They're just trying to
do what they're gonna do.

496
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:03,467
Uh, just have fun with it.

497
00:21:05,601 --> 00:21:06,601
Take 36.