1
00:00:00,534 --> 00:00:01,634
- so then the guy says
to the housekeeper,

2
00:00:01,701 --> 00:00:03,400
"make sure she's dead."

3
00:00:03,467 --> 00:00:04,901
Stop me if you heard
this one before.

4
00:00:04,968 --> 00:00:07,267
- would have been nice to have
that option 27 minutes ago.

5
00:00:07,334 --> 00:00:09,067
- the housekeeper says
to the guy,

6
00:00:09,133 --> 00:00:11,200
"we don't have a pool."

7
00:00:11,267 --> 00:00:13,000
[laughs]

8
00:00:13,067 --> 00:00:14,334
And the guy says...

9
00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:15,467
- good morning, greendale!

10
00:00:15,534 --> 00:00:16,567
Just a reminder,

11
00:00:16,634 --> 00:00:17,668
Our debate team will bring home

12
00:00:17,733 --> 00:00:19,134
The championship tomorrow
versus city college.

13
00:00:19,201 --> 00:00:21,067
Go, human beings!

14
00:00:21,134 --> 00:00:24,334
- great. now i got to start
the whole joke over again.

15
00:00:24,401 --> 00:00:26,067
Okay, so this guy--
- no!

16
00:00:26,134 --> 00:00:27,434
I've got one for you.

17
00:00:27,500 --> 00:00:27,667
A doddering old fool

18
00:00:29,734 --> 00:00:31,734
Walks into a bar,
tells a stupid joke,

19
00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:35,001
And i crush his windpipe
with my three-ring binder.

20
00:00:35,067 --> 00:00:37,267
- [giggles]
i don't get it.

21
00:00:37,334 --> 00:00:38,267
- britta's trying
to give up cigarettes.

22
00:00:38,334 --> 00:00:39,500
- don't tell them my business.

23
00:00:39,567 --> 00:00:41,867
I will slap
that smug look

24
00:00:41,934 --> 00:00:43,533
Right off your pointy face.

25
00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:45,567
- britta, i'm saying this

26
00:00:45,633 --> 00:00:47,067
Because i care about you

27
00:00:47,134 --> 00:00:48,767
And you're my friend.

28
00:00:48,834 --> 00:00:50,234
You need
to start smoking again.

29
00:00:50,301 --> 00:00:51,834
- i really think you should.
- absolutely.

30
00:00:51,900 --> 00:00:52,934
- they say it makes you lose
weight, and your skin looks

31
00:00:53,001 --> 00:00:54,368
Really great
when you do smoke.

32
00:00:54,434 --> 00:00:56,267
- guys, i really appreciate
your support,

33
00:00:56,334 --> 00:00:57,734
But i've got to quit this time.

34
00:00:57,800 --> 00:00:59,633
- have you thought
about hypnotherapy?

35
00:00:59,700 --> 00:01:01,167
I know
a dynamite hypnotherapist.

36
00:01:01,234 --> 00:01:02,234
- ten-to-one says it's him.

37
00:01:02,301 --> 00:01:03,700
- his name is pierce hawthorne.

38
00:01:03,767 --> 00:01:05,767
And i'm very effective.

39
00:01:05,834 --> 00:01:07,533
- can you help me
block out people's voices

40
00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:08,667
I find extremely annoying?

41
00:01:08,734 --> 00:01:09,667
- [chuckles]

42
00:01:15,368 --> 00:01:18,201
You would? Super. I'll set it up.

43
00:01:18,267 --> 00:01:19,834
What? I feel bad for him.

44
00:01:15,368 --> 00:01:18,201
- you would?
super. i'll set it up.

45
00:01:18,267 --> 00:01:19,834
- what?
i feel bad for him.

46
00:01:19,900 --> 00:01:21,401
Plus, i just yelled at him.

47
00:01:21,468 --> 00:01:22,667
- you yelled at me too.

48
00:01:22,734 --> 00:01:24,834
- oh, did i hurt your feelings,
pointy face?

49
00:01:24,900 --> 00:01:26,767
- wow. wow.

50
00:01:26,834 --> 00:01:29,767
- have you seen the film
department's web site?

51
00:01:29,834 --> 00:01:32,234
- what do you think?

52
00:01:32,301 --> 00:01:34,468
All of abed's films
are about us.

53
00:01:34,533 --> 00:01:36,301
- what?
- check it out.

54
00:01:36,368 --> 00:01:37,967
[upbeat techno music]

55
00:01:38,034 --> 00:01:39,201
- what else is new?

56
00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:41,500
All: jeff.
- hola.

57
00:01:41,567 --> 00:01:44,600
- jeff, stop being so relaxed.
we need to talk to you about...

58
00:01:44,667 --> 00:01:46,134
- we know you're living
out of your car.

59
00:01:46,201 --> 00:01:47,267
Why, on lord's good earth,

60
00:01:47,334 --> 00:01:48,600
Are you living
out of your car, boy?

61
00:01:48,667 --> 00:01:50,034
- those people look
just like us.

62
00:01:50,101 --> 00:01:51,700
That's eerie.
- fine, it's true.

63
00:01:51,767 --> 00:01:53,867
I'm living out of my car.

64
00:01:53,934 --> 00:01:56,934
And i don't want anyone's help.

65
00:01:57,001 --> 00:01:59,067
- we had almost that
exact conversation last week.

66
00:01:59,134 --> 00:02:02,734
- yeah, but abed posted
this video two weeks ago.

67
00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:07,368
- [gasps]
that boy's a soothsayer.

68
00:02:07,434 --> 00:02:08,800
- this is wrinkling my brain.

69
00:02:08,867 --> 00:02:10,533
- this is wrinkling my brain.

70
00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:12,301
- that's wrinkling my brain.

71
00:02:12,368 --> 00:02:14,101
- get a load
of these wrinkles.

72
00:02:14,167 --> 00:02:15,401
- [laughs]
who's that old guy?

73
00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:17,334
- hi, i'm pierce hawthorne.

74
00:02:17,401 --> 00:02:18,700
- oh, come on!

75
00:02:18,767 --> 00:02:24,734
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

76
00:02:24,767 --> 00:02:26,134
- there he is.

77
00:02:26,201 --> 00:02:28,034
- oh, mr. winger...

78
00:02:28,101 --> 00:02:29,468
Mr. winger, did you happen
to hear

79
00:02:29,533 --> 00:02:30,700
My announcement this morning?
- i hang on every word.

80
00:02:30,767 --> 00:02:32,001
- i'm gonna assume
that's sarcasm.

81
00:02:32,067 --> 00:02:33,201
- correct.

82
00:02:33,267 --> 00:02:34,368
- so you didn't hear
my announcement?

83
00:02:34,434 --> 00:02:35,234
- i'm barely listening now.
- oh.

84
00:02:35,301 --> 00:02:37,368
- my debate partner dropped out,

85
00:02:37,434 --> 00:02:39,201
And we need you to fill in for
him at the championship tonight.

86
00:02:39,267 --> 00:02:40,500
- jeffrey, as debate coach,

87
00:02:40,567 --> 00:02:42,600
I am offering you
an opportunity

88
00:02:42,667 --> 00:02:45,167
To spend the night
drinking from the cup of life

89
00:02:45,234 --> 00:02:46,500
Rather than romancing
your nether regions

90
00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:47,500
In front of the e! channel.

91
00:02:47,567 --> 00:02:48,900
- come on, jeff.

92
00:02:48,967 --> 00:02:50,834
I mean, who better
than a former lawyer

93
00:02:50,900 --> 00:02:53,067
To really stick it
to those city college snobs

94
00:02:53,134 --> 00:02:55,533
And their star debater
simmons?

95
00:02:55,600 --> 00:02:57,134
- mm, pass.

96
00:02:57,201 --> 00:02:59,101
- okay. no, no.

97
00:02:59,167 --> 00:03:01,334
Okay, wait. wait.
okay, no, no. look.

98
00:03:01,401 --> 00:03:03,001
Listen, jerkwad--
i'm sorry.

99
00:03:03,067 --> 00:03:04,600
That got heated.

100
00:03:04,667 --> 00:03:06,500
Greendale needs a win.

101
00:03:06,567 --> 00:03:09,533
The best compliment
our sports program gets

102
00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:11,334
Is that our basketball team
is really gay,

103
00:03:11,401 --> 00:03:13,500
So what's it gonna take?

104
00:03:13,567 --> 00:03:14,867
You know,
a plum parking space,

105
00:03:14,934 --> 00:03:16,834
Free meals,

106
00:03:16,900 --> 00:03:21,834
A night of companionship
if you know what i mean.

107
00:03:21,900 --> 00:03:24,633
- i'll do it
for the parking space.

108
00:03:24,700 --> 00:03:26,767
And if you promise
not to tell me what you mean.

109
00:03:26,834 --> 00:03:29,134
- okay.
[cheers and laughter]

110
00:03:29,201 --> 00:03:31,201
- pierce, thank you.

111
00:03:31,267 --> 00:03:32,567
I really appreciate
you helping me out.

112
00:03:32,633 --> 00:03:34,401
- and i appreciate
the opportunity.

113
00:03:34,468 --> 00:03:36,001
You know,
sometimes, i think

114
00:03:36,067 --> 00:03:37,034
People don't take me seriously.

115
00:03:37,101 --> 00:03:38,500
- so what are you gonna do?

116
00:03:38,567 --> 00:03:40,800
Wave a pocket watch
in front of my face

117
00:03:40,867 --> 00:03:42,934
And tell me i'm getting
very sleepy?

118
00:03:43,001 --> 00:03:44,401
- [laughs]

119
00:03:44,468 --> 00:03:45,600
Just checking the time.

120
00:03:45,667 --> 00:03:46,633
[clank]

121
00:03:46,700 --> 00:03:48,267
Now close your eyes.

122
00:03:48,334 --> 00:03:50,633
Keep them closed
at all times.

123
00:03:50,700 --> 00:03:54,967
And listen to the soothing sound
of my voice.

124
00:03:55,034 --> 00:03:57,468
The only word
that will bring you out

125
00:03:57,533 --> 00:03:59,533
Is gorilla.

126
00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:02,267
Okay, now focus
on the rhythm

127
00:04:02,334 --> 00:04:06,134
Of your own breathing.

128
00:04:06,201 --> 00:04:07,533
And when you feel the desire

129
00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:08,633
To light up a cigarette,

130
00:04:08,700 --> 00:04:10,667
You will associate these urges

131
00:04:10,734 --> 00:04:12,067
With things in your life
that disgust you.

132
00:04:12,134 --> 00:04:13,800
Bad-tasting food.

133
00:04:13,867 --> 00:04:15,167
Sex with men.

134
00:04:15,234 --> 00:04:17,034
Wearing attractive clothing.

135
00:04:17,101 --> 00:04:19,867
And soon...
[clatter]

136
00:04:19,934 --> 00:04:22,700
Oh, god, i think
i really hurt myself!

137
00:04:22,767 --> 00:04:24,368
Somebody help me.

138
00:04:24,434 --> 00:04:26,401
Oh, britta, wake up!

139
00:04:26,468 --> 00:04:28,134
Why'd i put you under
so well?

140
00:04:28,201 --> 00:04:31,533
Damn my talent.
[moans]

141
00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:35,101
- topic for debate is "are
people inherently good or evil?"

142
00:04:35,167 --> 00:04:37,368
So when do you want
to get together to strategize?

143
00:04:37,434 --> 00:04:38,934
- annie, i was a lawyer.

144
00:04:39,001 --> 00:04:40,667
I was a debater for money.

145
00:04:40,734 --> 00:04:43,834
I think i can handle this.

146
00:04:43,900 --> 00:04:45,900
How was hypnotherapy?

147
00:04:45,967 --> 00:04:47,967
- he fell down
and screamed in pain

148
00:04:48,034 --> 00:04:49,401
While i laid there
with my eyes closed

149
00:04:49,468 --> 00:04:51,067
To make him feel
like a good hypnotherapist.

150
00:04:51,134 --> 00:04:51,967
- you realize
this will never end.

151
00:04:52,034 --> 00:04:53,667
- it's already done.

152
00:04:53,734 --> 00:04:55,500
He just wants one more session.

153
00:04:55,567 --> 00:04:58,167
- * wa-wa *
- where's abed?

154
00:04:58,234 --> 00:04:59,101
I need to talk to him
about his films.

155
00:04:59,167 --> 00:05:00,700
- that boy's flat-out prescient.

156
00:05:00,767 --> 00:05:03,334
He can read our minds.

157
00:05:03,401 --> 00:05:05,767
Both: [gasp]

158
00:05:05,834 --> 00:05:06,934
- i know
what you're gonna say.

159
00:05:07,001 --> 00:05:07,900
You watched my movies
on the website.

160
00:05:07,967 --> 00:05:08,700
- he's a witch!
- get him!

161
00:05:08,767 --> 00:05:10,201
- no, i'm not a witch.

162
00:05:10,267 --> 00:05:11,301
I'm a student
of human character.

163
00:05:11,368 --> 00:05:12,600
I know you guys all so well

164
00:05:12,667 --> 00:05:15,301
I can predict your behavior.
like shirley.

165
00:05:15,368 --> 00:05:18,834
I know you're a sweet,
christian, generous person.

166
00:05:18,900 --> 00:05:21,800
Both: oh, that's nice.

167
00:05:21,867 --> 00:05:23,567
- i also know you have
thinly veiled rage issues.

168
00:05:23,633 --> 00:05:25,334
Both: careful, boy.
- oh.

169
00:05:25,401 --> 00:05:26,434
- here.
check this out.

170
00:05:26,533 --> 00:05:29,667
May i?
- yeah.

171
00:05:29,734 --> 00:05:30,967
- jeff's character acts

172
00:05:31,034 --> 00:05:32,301
Like nothing around here
affects him.

173
00:05:32,368 --> 00:05:33,500
But things bother him
more than he lets on.

174
00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:35,368
- hey, i'm top of the class.

175
00:05:35,434 --> 00:05:37,533
- gah!

176
00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:39,867
- he's also very vain.

177
00:05:39,934 --> 00:05:41,867
- [scoffs]
ridiculous.

178
00:05:41,934 --> 00:05:44,368
All: oh.

179
00:05:44,434 --> 00:05:46,167
- [weeps]
- why am i crying?

180
00:05:46,234 --> 00:05:48,934
<i>what, i accidentally listen
to come sail away by styx again?</i>

181
00:05:49,001 --> 00:05:49,900
- you don't have to worry,
troy.

182
00:05:49,967 --> 00:05:50,900
It's just a movie.

183
00:05:50,967 --> 00:05:52,533
I can't predict the future.

184
00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:55,934
- my leg.
i hurt my leg. aah!

185
00:05:56,001 --> 00:05:59,267
- what up, happy people?

186
00:05:59,334 --> 00:06:01,500
- you tell me my future
right now, you evil wizard!

187
00:06:01,567 --> 00:06:02,867
- by the way, jeff,
i think your shirt's trying

188
00:06:02,934 --> 00:06:04,600
To get out of your pants.

189
00:06:06,401 --> 00:06:10,900
<i>as golding's lord of the flies
demonstrates, man,</i>

190
00:06:10,967 --> 00:06:12,500
When left to his own devices,

191
00:06:12,567 --> 00:06:18,533
Will descend into chaos
and evil.

192
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:22,201
[applause]

193
00:06:22,267 --> 00:06:23,267
- whoo!

194
00:06:24,533 --> 00:06:27,334
And now, from city college,

195
00:06:27,401 --> 00:06:28,867
Jeremy simmons.

196
00:06:28,934 --> 00:06:32,101
[cheers and applause]

197
00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:45,001
- there were 23,000...

198
00:06:45,067 --> 00:06:48,633
Kidney donations
in america last year.

199
00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:49,934
Man is good.

200
00:06:50,001 --> 00:06:52,633
The average life expectancy

201
00:06:52,700 --> 00:06:56,334
For a man in a community

202
00:06:56,401 --> 00:07:00,401
Is 23 years longer
than a man alone.

203
00:07:00,468 --> 00:07:01,934
Man is good.

204
00:07:02,001 --> 00:07:04,900
And just ten minutes ago,

205
00:07:04,967 --> 00:07:08,267
A bald, bespectacled man
held the door

206
00:07:08,334 --> 00:07:10,600
For a man in a wheelchair.

207
00:07:10,667 --> 00:07:12,134
- oh.
- man is good.

208
00:07:12,201 --> 00:07:13,600
[cheers and applause]

209
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:14,867
- oh.

210
00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:16,401
I hate this guy.

211
00:07:16,468 --> 00:07:18,500
- by the end
of this debate,

212
00:07:18,567 --> 00:07:21,468
I will prove with facts

213
00:07:21,533 --> 00:07:26,834
And data
that man is inherently good.

214
00:07:26,900 --> 00:07:29,401
[cheers and applause]

215
00:07:29,468 --> 00:07:32,301
- old trick for achieving
the proper competitive mindset,

216
00:07:32,368 --> 00:07:35,834
I always envision my opponent
having aggressive sex

217
00:07:35,900 --> 00:07:36,867
With my mother.

218
00:07:36,934 --> 00:07:39,334
[slaps jeff on back]

219
00:07:39,401 --> 00:07:42,468
- [clears throat]

220
00:07:45,967 --> 00:07:48,067
This feels so formal.

221
00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:51,267
Let's just talk.

222
00:07:51,334 --> 00:07:52,401
People are evil.

223
00:07:52,468 --> 00:07:54,134
They can't help it.

224
00:07:54,201 --> 00:07:55,800
I didn't catch
your name.

225
00:07:55,867 --> 00:07:58,401
- it's jean.

226
00:07:58,468 --> 00:07:59,800
- take jean here.

227
00:07:59,867 --> 00:08:01,667
She spent a lot of time
this morning

228
00:08:01,734 --> 00:08:04,700
Making herself
look so lovely.

229
00:08:04,767 --> 00:08:06,067
Tell me, jean.

230
00:08:06,134 --> 00:08:07,234
How many people bothered
to tell you

231
00:08:07,301 --> 00:08:08,368
How great you look today?

232
00:08:08,434 --> 00:08:09,468
- none.

233
00:08:09,533 --> 00:08:11,267
- man is evil.

234
00:08:11,334 --> 00:08:13,034
- but you just said
how great i looked.

235
00:08:13,101 --> 00:08:16,267
- for my own selfish purposes.

236
00:08:16,334 --> 00:08:18,500
The fact is,
as hot as you look,

237
00:08:18,567 --> 00:08:21,533
And it is quite hot,

238
00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:23,934
I wouldn't have said anything.

239
00:08:24,001 --> 00:08:26,134
When i talk
about people being evil,

240
00:08:26,201 --> 00:08:28,767
I could cite quotes
or dig up statistics,

241
00:08:28,834 --> 00:08:30,434
But those are just words
and numbers.

242
00:08:30,500 --> 00:08:34,834
I think we could have
a little more fun

243
00:08:34,900 --> 00:08:38,633
If i express myself
in song.

244
00:08:38,700 --> 00:08:41,900
♪ evil woman ♪

245
00:08:41,967 --> 00:08:42,900
- * ba na na na na *

246
00:08:42,967 --> 00:08:45,034
- * evil woman *

247
00:08:45,101 --> 00:08:47,767
I knew you could do it.

248
00:08:47,834 --> 00:08:49,468
That's my time,
everybody.

249
00:08:49,533 --> 00:08:50,800
Thank you very much.

250
00:08:50,867 --> 00:08:53,734
Yeah!
[cheers and applause]

251
00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:56,767
- at the end of round one,

252
00:08:56,834 --> 00:09:01,067
City college: 50,

253
00:09:01,134 --> 00:09:03,934
Greendale: 8.

254
00:09:04,001 --> 00:09:06,368
[cheers and applause]

255
00:09:11,167 --> 00:09:13,800
- i only got 8?
- she got 8. you got 0.

256
00:09:13,867 --> 00:09:16,101
<i>it's a debate.
not american idol.</i>

257
00:09:19,167 --> 00:09:21,334
<i>- nice work, l.a. law.</i>

258
00:09:21,401 --> 00:09:23,934
All sizzle, no steak.

259
00:09:24,001 --> 00:09:25,500
- i don't care, dude.

260
00:09:25,567 --> 00:09:27,368
I'm doing this
for a parking space.

261
00:09:27,434 --> 00:09:28,600
- let's go, boys.
come on, let's go.

262
00:09:28,667 --> 00:09:29,767
I want to see some hustlers
out here.

263
00:09:29,834 --> 00:09:31,067
Let's go.

264
00:09:31,134 --> 00:09:34,001
- by zeus, what sort
of jackassery is this?

265
00:09:34,067 --> 00:09:35,967
We're in the middle
of a championship debate.

266
00:09:36,034 --> 00:09:37,500
- we reserved the gym

267
00:09:37,567 --> 00:09:39,067
For practice.

268
00:09:39,134 --> 00:09:40,767
- uh, yep.
they reserved it.

269
00:09:40,834 --> 00:09:43,134
Okay, they've got us
by the short ones.

270
00:09:43,201 --> 00:09:45,734
The debate is suspended
until tomorrow.

271
00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:48,700
Hopefully, by then,
we can get our act together.

272
00:09:50,368 --> 00:09:52,867
- oh, great try, bruce!
great try.

273
00:09:54,501 --> 00:09:55,334
- jeff, wait,
when are we getting together

274
00:09:55,401 --> 00:09:56,834
To prepare for tomorrow?

275
00:09:56,900 --> 00:09:58,067
- never, because it's stupid,
and i don't care.

276
00:09:58,134 --> 00:10:01,434
Bite me.

277
00:10:02,201 --> 00:10:03,633
- maybe simmons is right.

278
00:10:03,700 --> 00:10:05,934
You really are
all sizzle and no steak.

279
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:07,800
You probably couldn't beat him
if you tried.

280
00:10:07,867 --> 00:10:09,134
- what do you mean
i can't beat him?

281
00:10:09,201 --> 00:10:10,534
You and i are gonna
study harder

282
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:11,867
Than we've ever
studied before

283
00:10:11,934 --> 00:10:13,367
And beat city college
tomorrow.

284
00:10:13,434 --> 00:10:16,301
<i>- really?
- no, who am i, icarly?</i>

285
00:10:16,367 --> 00:10:17,967
- abed is right.

286
00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:20,167
You act like things
don't bother you, but they do.

287
00:10:20,234 --> 00:10:22,568
- look, six months ago,
i was a lawyer.

288
00:10:22,633 --> 00:10:24,034
I wore suits.

289
00:10:24,101 --> 00:10:26,800
I used to say stuff like,
"objection" and "sidebar."

290
00:10:26,867 --> 00:10:29,134
Now i'm losing
a community college debate

291
00:10:29,201 --> 00:10:31,134
To jeremy "soul patch" simmons.

292
00:10:31,201 --> 00:10:33,967
- hey, winger.

293
00:10:34,034 --> 00:10:35,600
You like to sing?

294
00:10:35,667 --> 00:10:38,234
I like to sing too.

295
00:10:38,301 --> 00:10:40,134
♪ zero for winger ♪

296
00:10:40,201 --> 00:10:41,800
♪ ba na na na na na ♪

297
00:10:41,867 --> 00:10:43,134
Kick that.

298
00:10:43,201 --> 00:10:45,700
♪ was a big shot lawyer ♪

299
00:10:45,767 --> 00:10:47,468
♪ ba na na na na na na ♪

300
00:10:47,534 --> 00:10:53,334
♪ now he's
a lo-ooooo-ser ♪

301
00:10:53,401 --> 00:10:54,501
- lay off, simmons.

302
00:10:54,568 --> 00:10:55,401
Jeff didn't understand
the rules.

303
00:10:55,468 --> 00:10:58,034
- yeah?

304
00:10:58,101 --> 00:11:00,700
What's your excuse,
eight points?

305
00:11:00,767 --> 00:11:01,767
- dude, leave her
out of this.

306
00:11:01,834 --> 00:11:04,934
- * little annie adderall *

307
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:07,934
♪ was an outcast
in high school ♪

308
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,301
- that's it.
dude, we are gonna debate

309
00:11:10,367 --> 00:11:12,367
The living crap out of you.

310
00:11:12,434 --> 00:11:15,334
We've got some preparing
to do.

311
00:11:15,401 --> 00:11:17,167
- i liked you better
when you were smoking.

312
00:11:17,234 --> 00:11:19,700
- i'm so sorry.
- no, you're right.

313
00:11:19,767 --> 00:11:21,267
My feet are long
and stupid.

314
00:11:21,334 --> 00:11:23,201
You can't unring that bell.

315
00:11:23,267 --> 00:11:26,167
- [gasps]
oh, no.

316
00:11:26,234 --> 00:11:28,101
- that's my newspaper.

317
00:11:28,167 --> 00:11:29,468
- what do you need
a paper for?

318
00:11:29,534 --> 00:11:30,967
You knew what was gonna
happen yesterday,

319
00:11:31,034 --> 00:11:32,301
You middle-eastern
magic eight ball.

320
00:11:32,367 --> 00:11:33,700
Pierce hurt his leg,

321
00:11:33,767 --> 00:11:35,468
Britta made troy cry.

322
00:11:35,534 --> 00:11:36,800
What's my destiny?

323
00:11:36,867 --> 00:11:37,733
Am i gonna die
in a car?

324
00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:39,101
Is it gonna happen soon?

325
00:11:39,167 --> 00:11:40,134
- shirley, i have
no psychic abilities.

326
00:11:40,201 --> 00:11:41,633
I'm just an entertainer.

327
00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:43,900
But if it'll make you feel
any better,

328
00:11:43,967 --> 00:11:46,867
Here, let me show you
what i'm working on.

329
00:11:46,934 --> 00:11:52,101
- [screams]

330
00:11:52,167 --> 00:11:54,767
- i'm sorry. is that me being
chased down by a werewolf?

331
00:11:54,834 --> 00:11:57,301
- yeah. and that's how you'd
behave in that situation, no?

332
00:11:57,367 --> 00:11:59,867
- the situation being me being
chased down by a werewolf.

333
00:11:59,934 --> 00:12:03,434
- mm-hmm.
- [screams]

334
00:12:03,501 --> 00:12:05,633
- [growls]

335
00:12:05,700 --> 00:12:08,401
- and that's jeff locking lips
with annie.

336
00:12:08,468 --> 00:12:12,468
- mm-hmm. yeah.
- you're a fool.

337
00:12:12,534 --> 00:12:14,468
- so, in the experiment,
stanford students were divided

338
00:12:14,534 --> 00:12:15,733
Into prisoners and guards.

339
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:17,733
The guards immediately started--
- uh!

340
00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:19,101
- what's wrong?

341
00:12:19,167 --> 00:12:21,967
- i have this weird pain
right above my eyebrow.

342
00:12:22,034 --> 00:12:23,234
- it's called a stress headache.

343
00:12:23,301 --> 00:12:24,600
I got my first one
when i was four.

344
00:12:24,667 --> 00:12:25,867
- i hate it.

345
00:12:25,934 --> 00:12:27,301
- well, get used to it.

346
00:12:27,367 --> 00:12:28,834
You're knee-deep in it now,
brother.

347
00:12:28,900 --> 00:12:29,867
This is debate.

348
00:12:29,934 --> 00:12:30,967
If you want to win,

349
00:12:31,034 --> 00:12:32,700
You need to prepare.

350
00:12:32,767 --> 00:12:35,401
- well, agreed,
but if you want to win,

351
00:12:35,468 --> 00:12:37,568
You need to loosen up.

352
00:12:37,633 --> 00:12:40,334
Go off book, robot debater.

353
00:12:40,401 --> 00:12:43,700
- oh, my gosh.

354
00:12:43,767 --> 00:12:46,733
You're right.

355
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:50,633
Simmons is so good at using
his inherent magnetism

356
00:12:50,700 --> 00:12:53,034
To sell his points,
and here i am,

357
00:12:53,101 --> 00:12:55,334
Like a spinster librarian
with my hair pulled back.

358
00:12:55,401 --> 00:12:56,600
- yeah.

359
00:13:06,267 --> 00:13:08,633
What do you think?
- yeah.

360
00:13:08,700 --> 00:13:11,834
- thanks.

361
00:13:11,900 --> 00:13:16,067
- be careful. abed thinks
you two are gonna kiss.

362
00:13:16,134 --> 00:13:17,767
[giggles]
ridiculous.

363
00:13:17,834 --> 00:13:19,367
- us.

364
00:13:19,434 --> 00:13:20,600
Kissing.

365
00:13:20,667 --> 00:13:22,401
That is ridiculous.
- totally.

366
00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:25,401
[giggles]

367
00:13:28,234 --> 00:13:29,067
We should get back
to work.

368
00:13:29,134 --> 00:13:30,800
- yes. um, okay.

369
00:13:30,867 --> 00:13:34,367
The people are inherently evil.

370
00:13:34,434 --> 00:13:37,267
- ooh, we can use
this hobbes quote.

371
00:13:37,334 --> 00:13:39,534
"man is a collection

372
00:13:39,633 --> 00:13:40,633
"of base animal urges.

373
00:13:40,700 --> 00:13:43,534
"to act on them
and experience

374
00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:45,967
"sinful pleasure would be
morally no different

375
00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:48,101
Than taking a breath."

376
00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:52,067
That's poignant, right?
- yeah.

377
00:13:52,134 --> 00:13:54,334
You know,
maybe we should study alone.

378
00:13:54,401 --> 00:13:55,301
- yeah.
- separately.

379
00:13:55,367 --> 00:13:56,667
- uh-huh.

380
00:13:56,733 --> 00:14:00,800
That way we can be more
reproductive--productive!

381
00:14:00,867 --> 00:14:03,700
Both: bye.
[stammering]

382
00:14:07,334 --> 00:14:11,101
- oh, you forgot your phone.
- well, i can get another one.

383
00:14:11,167 --> 00:14:14,434
- the next time
you even see a cigarette,

384
00:14:14,501 --> 00:14:17,067
You will think
of things that disgust you.

385
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:25,767
And while you're under so deep,

386
00:14:25,834 --> 00:14:28,267
You'll find yourself attracted

387
00:14:28,334 --> 00:14:30,101
To slightly older men.

388
00:14:30,167 --> 00:14:32,834
Perhaps,
some barrel-chested stud

389
00:14:32,900 --> 00:14:36,267
With just enough tummy to love.

390
00:14:36,334 --> 00:14:38,301
You'll want to buy him dinner,

391
00:14:38,367 --> 00:14:40,767
Then go back to his hot tub.

392
00:14:40,834 --> 00:14:42,234
Perhaps, you'll invite
one of your friends

393
00:14:42,301 --> 00:14:43,600
To join us for a three-way.

394
00:14:43,667 --> 00:14:46,301
Maybe someone
with low self-esteem

395
00:14:46,367 --> 00:14:48,934
And slightly larger breasts.

396
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:51,167
- go to hell,
you disgusting pig.

397
00:14:51,234 --> 00:14:52,501
- a-ha!

398
00:14:52,568 --> 00:14:54,134
- pierce, i was awake
the whole time.

399
00:14:54,201 --> 00:14:55,434
I was faking it.
- i know.

400
00:14:55,501 --> 00:14:57,234
I saw you.

401
00:14:57,301 --> 00:14:58,534
What do you think i am,
some kind of a joke?

402
00:14:58,600 --> 00:14:59,934
- no.

403
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,334
No, i was trying
to make you

404
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:02,568
Feel better about yourself.

405
00:15:02,633 --> 00:15:05,834
- how dare you pity me?

406
00:15:05,900 --> 00:15:08,767
I may be a little older,

407
00:15:08,834 --> 00:15:10,401
My ideas may seem weird,

408
00:15:10,468 --> 00:15:12,900
And my fashion sense
may cause envy.

409
00:15:12,967 --> 00:15:15,067
But i have a lot to offer.

410
00:15:15,134 --> 00:15:17,167
And i will not be pitied.

411
00:15:17,234 --> 00:15:20,067
[musical clatter]

412
00:15:25,468 --> 00:15:27,368
Do not help me up.

413
00:15:29,134 --> 00:15:32,534
- and as german poet
franz wickmeyer once wrote...

414
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:37,167
"snow falls
from the heavens pure.

415
00:15:39,634 --> 00:15:42,833
"we cannot blame the snow
for being...

416
00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:43,800
Soiled by the earth."

417
00:15:47,401 --> 00:15:48,833
[weeps]

418
00:15:48,900 --> 00:15:50,933
Man is good.

419
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:53,867
[applause]

420
00:15:53,933 --> 00:15:55,668
- [weeps]

421
00:15:55,734 --> 00:15:57,467
What?
that dude gets it.

422
00:15:57,534 --> 00:16:00,334
- jeff winger will now offer
a two-minute rebuttal.

423
00:16:03,900 --> 00:16:05,434
- hey, sizzle.

424
00:16:05,501 --> 00:16:06,900
What are you gonna sing tonight?

425
00:16:06,967 --> 00:16:08,601
I'm in the mood
for some sade.

426
00:16:08,668 --> 00:16:13,800
[snickers]

427
00:16:13,867 --> 00:16:16,334
- in the stanford
prison experiment,

428
00:16:16,401 --> 00:16:20,434
21 out of 21 students,
when given absolute power,

429
00:16:20,501 --> 00:16:23,334
Abused and tortured
their fellow students.

430
00:16:23,401 --> 00:16:27,034
My competitor likens people
to pure, falling snow.

431
00:16:27,100 --> 00:16:31,167
I would respond,
"there is none righteous.

432
00:16:31,234 --> 00:16:32,768
No, not one."

433
00:16:32,833 --> 00:16:35,000
Now i realize mr. simmons' quote

434
00:16:35,067 --> 00:16:38,000
Was from the great
franz wickmeyer.

435
00:16:38,067 --> 00:16:41,668
Mine was just
from a simple desert handyman

436
00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:42,833
Named jesus.

437
00:16:42,900 --> 00:16:46,434
[dramatic music]

438
00:16:46,501 --> 00:16:49,200
- oh, that's nice!

439
00:16:49,267 --> 00:16:51,867
- survival of the fittest wires
an impulse to eliminate people

440
00:16:51,933 --> 00:16:53,401
Into our hearts.
- counterpoint.

441
00:16:53,467 --> 00:16:55,601
- mother teresa.
joan of arc.

442
00:16:55,668 --> 00:16:57,401
- rebuttal.
- nuclear bombs.

443
00:16:57,467 --> 00:16:59,534
- nuclear families.
- abu ghraib.

444
00:16:59,601 --> 00:17:00,668
<i>- apu from the simpsons.</i>

445
00:17:00,734 --> 00:17:01,900
- double rejoinder.

446
00:17:01,967 --> 00:17:03,734
- telemarketers.
- organ donors.

447
00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:05,200
- hate crimes.
- executions.

448
00:17:05,267 --> 00:17:06,800
- ketchup is a vegetable.

449
00:17:06,867 --> 00:17:09,668
This is a real barn-burner.

450
00:17:09,734 --> 00:17:11,534
God, did i just say
cross-burner?

451
00:17:11,601 --> 00:17:13,267
- no, you did not.
- oh, good.

452
00:17:13,334 --> 00:17:15,867
- we make an amazing team.
- i know. we're so in sync.

453
00:17:15,933 --> 00:17:18,000
It's like a perfect duet
or great s...

454
00:17:18,067 --> 00:17:19,567
Hey, professor whitman.
- jeffrey.

455
00:17:19,634 --> 00:17:20,933
Your preparation was impeccable.

456
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:22,267
You remind me of a young me

457
00:17:22,334 --> 00:17:24,467
With slightly worse hair.

458
00:17:24,534 --> 00:17:26,301
- i just checked
with the judges.

459
00:17:26,367 --> 00:17:29,134
They'll need a miracle
to win in rebuttal.

460
00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:31,334
Simmons is finished.

461
00:17:31,401 --> 00:17:34,301
- this is too much for me.

462
00:17:35,534 --> 00:17:37,734
- whoa, whoa, whoa.

463
00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:39,467
He's going off book.

464
00:17:40,867 --> 00:17:41,967
- why is he ripping up
the cards?

465
00:17:42,034 --> 00:17:43,134
Doesn't he need the cards?

466
00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:45,734
- it's a gambit.

467
00:18:23,701 --> 00:18:26,134
- he hates me.

468
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:28,634
Yet he caught me.

469
00:18:28,701 --> 00:18:29,867
- ooh.

470
00:18:29,933 --> 00:18:32,334
- man is good.

471
00:18:32,401 --> 00:18:34,434
[cheers and applause]

472
00:18:47,267 --> 00:18:50,867
- abed, abed.

473
00:18:50,933 --> 00:18:53,367
- he was horny.

474
00:18:53,434 --> 00:18:56,100
So he dropped him.

475
00:18:58,601 --> 00:19:01,800
Man is evil.

476
00:19:01,867 --> 00:19:05,467
[cheerful music]

477
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:08,501
- greendale wins.

478
00:19:08,567 --> 00:19:11,800
[cheers and applause]
- huzzah!

479
00:19:14,367 --> 00:19:17,434
- eat that, simmons.

480
00:19:17,501 --> 00:19:20,000
- * alabama,
arkansas *

481
00:19:20,067 --> 00:19:20,967
♪ i do love my ma and pa ♪

482
00:19:21,034 --> 00:19:22,267
- that off-book enough
for ya?

483
00:19:22,334 --> 00:19:24,501
- * not the way
that i do love you *

484
00:19:26,301 --> 00:19:27,301
♪ ah, home ♪

485
00:19:27,367 --> 00:19:28,634
♪ let me come home ♪

486
00:19:28,701 --> 00:19:30,034
- simmons got robbed.

487
00:19:30,100 --> 00:19:31,134
- they kissed.

488
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:32,734
You do have powers.

489
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:34,134
I'm gonna die by werewolf.

490
00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:36,234
- shirley, i don't have powers.
trust me.

491
00:19:36,301 --> 00:19:39,034
In my next film, we discover
that pierce is an actual genius.

492
00:19:39,100 --> 00:19:40,467
- well, that's not gonna happen.

493
00:19:40,534 --> 00:19:41,501
- no, it's not.

494
00:19:41,567 --> 00:19:42,701
- pierce,

495
00:19:42,768 --> 00:19:44,167
I can't smoke
a cigarette

496
00:19:44,234 --> 00:19:46,467
Without thinking of a three-way
in your hot tub.

497
00:19:46,534 --> 00:19:48,000
You did it.

498
00:19:48,067 --> 00:19:49,668
- yes.
i did?

499
00:19:49,734 --> 00:19:53,967
- you're a genius.
- ah! who's the third?

500
00:19:54,034 --> 00:19:56,534
[laughter]
- you did great in there!

501
00:19:56,601 --> 00:19:58,833
- let's take
this bacchanalia outside.

502
00:19:58,900 --> 00:20:03,401
Full moon tonight.
- whoo!

503
00:20:03,467 --> 00:20:05,601
- shirley.

504
00:20:05,668 --> 00:20:09,567
- well, i'm going this way,
so...

505
00:20:09,634 --> 00:20:13,401
- well, um, congratulations,
buddy.

506
00:20:13,467 --> 00:20:16,334
- thanks, pal.

507
00:20:22,067 --> 00:20:26,034
Just pat me.

508
00:20:31,434 --> 00:20:35,567
- [beatboxes]

509
00:20:35,634 --> 00:20:37,933
<i>- [rapping]
donde esta la biblioteca?</i>

510
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:40,467
<i>me llamo t-bone,
la arana discoteca.</i>

511
00:20:40,534 --> 00:20:42,034
<i>- [rapping]
discoteca, muneca,</i>

512
00:20:42,100 --> 00:20:45,634
<i>la biblioteca es en bigote
grande, perro, manteca.</i>

513
00:20:45,701 --> 00:20:47,967
<i>- manteca, bigote, gigante--
- cut, cut.</i>

514
00:20:48,034 --> 00:20:49,334
Let me ask you a question.
do you hate this?

515
00:20:49,401 --> 00:20:51,000
Do you hate doing this?

516
00:20:51,067 --> 00:20:52,434
Do you?

517
00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:54,367
Let me talk to you.
can i talk to you for a second?

518
00:20:54,434 --> 00:20:56,167
Just hold on.
what is this?

519
00:20:56,234 --> 00:20:57,668
- i don't know.

520
00:20:57,734 --> 00:21:02,134
They're just trying to do
what they're gonna do.

521
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:03,467
Uh, just have fun with it.

522
00:21:05,601 --> 00:21:06,601
Take 36.

523
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:21,367
- okay, as everybody knows,

524
00:22:21,434 --> 00:22:24,534
<i>the spirit of pawnee
was defaced again last night.</i>

525
00:22:24,601 --> 00:22:26,034
- what was it this time?

526
00:22:26,100 --> 00:22:28,800
- chocolate pudding.
- huh. that's new.

527
00:22:28,867 --> 00:22:30,768
The mural that normally
resides here

528
00:22:30,833 --> 00:22:33,267
<i>is called
the spirit of pawnee,</i>

529
00:22:33,334 --> 00:22:34,768
And it's very controversial.

530
00:22:34,833 --> 00:22:38,000
We've had someone
throw acid at it, tomato sauce.

531
00:22:38,067 --> 00:22:39,601
Someone
tried to stab it once.

532
00:22:39,668 --> 00:22:42,933
We really need
better security here.

533
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:47,034
We also need...
better, less-offensive history.

534
00:22:47,100 --> 00:22:48,701
- so the city council
has decided

535
00:22:48,768 --> 00:22:50,534
<i>that the spirit of pawnee
should be changed</i>

536
00:22:50,601 --> 00:22:53,234
To something just
a little less horrifying.

537
00:22:53,301 --> 00:22:56,401
Now since the murals were made
by government employees

538
00:22:56,467 --> 00:22:57,434
Back in the 1930s,