1 00:00:01,525 --> 00:00:04,527 So then the guy says to the housekeeper, "make sure she's dead." 2 00:00:05,162 --> 00:00:08,323 - Stop me if you heard this one before. - He'd could say it27 minutes ago. 3 00:00:08,618 --> 00:00:10,179 The housekeeper says to the guy, 4 00:00:10,369 --> 00:00:12,017 "we don't have a pool." 5 00:00:14,017 --> 00:00:16,682 - And the guy says... - Good morning, Greendale! 6 00:00:16,807 --> 00:00:19,132 Just a reminder, our debate team will bring home 7 00:00:19,257 --> 00:00:21,586 the championship tomorrow versus City College. 8 00:00:22,049 --> 00:00:23,421 Go, Human Beings! 9 00:00:23,589 --> 00:00:26,212 Great. Now I got to start the whole joke over again. 10 00:00:26,842 --> 00:00:27,967 So this guy... 11 00:00:28,333 --> 00:00:29,552 I've got one for you. 12 00:00:29,721 --> 00:00:31,137 A doddering old fool 13 00:00:31,305 --> 00:00:33,004 walks into a bar, tells a stupid joke, 14 00:00:33,129 --> 00:00:35,475 and I crush his windpipe with my three-ring binder. 15 00:00:37,994 --> 00:00:39,937 - I don't get it. - She's trying to stop smoking. 16 00:00:40,106 --> 00:00:43,348 Don't tell them my business. I will slap that smug look 17 00:00:43,473 --> 00:00:45,323 right off your pointy face. 18 00:00:46,234 --> 00:00:48,280 I'm saying this because I care about you 19 00:00:48,411 --> 00:00:49,961 and you're my friend. 20 00:00:50,086 --> 00:00:51,783 You need to start smoking again. 21 00:00:51,951 --> 00:00:54,410 You should. It makes you lose weight, and your skin 22 00:00:54,579 --> 00:00:55,912 looks great when you do it. 23 00:00:56,080 --> 00:00:59,290 Guys, I really appreciate your support, but I've got to quit this time. 24 00:00:59,459 --> 00:01:02,794 Have you thought about hypnotherapy? I know a dynamite hypnotherapist. 25 00:01:02,962 --> 00:01:05,338 - Ten-to-one says it's him. - His name is Pierce Hawthorne. 26 00:01:05,506 --> 00:01:07,118 And I'm very effective. 27 00:01:07,468 --> 00:01:10,301 Can you block out people's voices I find extremely annoying? 28 00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:13,011 Jeff, she's right there. 29 00:01:14,892 --> 00:01:16,849 I would be grateful for your help. 30 00:01:17,017 --> 00:01:18,893 You would? Super. I'll set it up. 31 00:01:19,937 --> 00:01:21,479 What? I feel bad for him. 32 00:01:21,683 --> 00:01:24,232 - Plus, I just yelled at him. - You yelled at me too. 33 00:01:24,717 --> 00:01:26,484 Did I hurt your feelings, pointy face? 34 00:01:28,375 --> 00:01:31,062 Have you seen the film department's web site? 35 00:01:31,187 --> 00:01:32,587 What do you think? 36 00:01:33,551 --> 00:01:35,493 All of Abed's films are about us. 37 00:01:35,843 --> 00:01:37,120 - What? - Check it out. 38 00:01:39,691 --> 00:01:41,041 What else is new? 39 00:01:43,252 --> 00:01:45,973 Stop being so relaxed. We need to talk to you about... 40 00:01:46,098 --> 00:01:49,715 You're living out of your car. Why, on lord's good earth, boy? 41 00:01:49,884 --> 00:01:52,051 Those people look just like us. That's eerie. 42 00:01:52,221 --> 00:01:53,344 Fine, it's true. 43 00:01:53,512 --> 00:01:55,262 I'm living out of my car. 44 00:01:55,645 --> 00:01:57,056 And I don't want anyone's help. 45 00:01:58,644 --> 00:02:00,643 We had almost that exact conversation last week. 46 00:02:01,009 --> 00:02:04,272 Yeah, but Abed posted this video two weeks ago. 47 00:02:05,408 --> 00:02:06,858 That boy's a soothsayer. 48 00:02:09,153 --> 00:02:11,487 - This is wrinkling my brain. - This is wrinkling my brain. 49 00:02:12,324 --> 00:02:13,823 That's wrinkling my brain. 50 00:02:13,992 --> 00:02:15,615 Get a load of these wrinkles. 51 00:02:16,127 --> 00:02:18,826 - Who's that old guy? - Hi, I'm Pierce Hawthorne. 52 00:02:19,163 --> 00:02:20,163 Come on! 53 00:02:27,137 --> 00:02:28,237 There he is. 54 00:02:29,435 --> 00:02:32,258 - Did you hear my announcement? - I hang on every word. 55 00:02:32,426 --> 00:02:34,956 I'm gonna assume that's sarcasm. So you didn't hear my announcement? 56 00:02:35,081 --> 00:02:36,831 I'm barely listening now. 57 00:02:37,337 --> 00:02:40,850 My debate partner dropped out, we need you to fill in for him tonight. 58 00:02:41,019 --> 00:02:44,103 Jeffrey, as debate coach, I am offering you an opportunity 59 00:02:44,273 --> 00:02:46,356 to spend the night drinking from the cup of life 60 00:02:46,481 --> 00:02:49,108 rather than romancing your nether regions in front of the e! Channel. 61 00:02:49,398 --> 00:02:51,929 Come on, Jeff. Who better than a former lawyer 62 00:02:52,054 --> 00:02:54,585 to really stick it to those city college snobs 63 00:02:54,710 --> 00:02:57,109 and their star debater Simmons? 64 00:02:58,000 --> 00:02:58,784 Pass. 65 00:03:00,775 --> 00:03:02,712 Wait. Wait. Okay, no, no. Look. 66 00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:04,900 Listen, jerkwad... I'm sorry. 67 00:03:05,025 --> 00:03:06,469 That got heated. 68 00:03:06,594 --> 00:03:08,084 Greendale needs a win. 69 00:03:08,254 --> 00:03:10,846 The best compliment our sports program gets 70 00:03:10,971 --> 00:03:13,113 is that our basketball team is really gay, 71 00:03:13,926 --> 00:03:16,469 so what's it gonna take? A plum parking space, 72 00:03:16,637 --> 00:03:17,687 free meals, 73 00:03:18,514 --> 00:03:21,587 a night of companionship 74 00:03:22,195 --> 00:03:23,392 if you know what I mean. 75 00:03:24,220 --> 00:03:26,145 I'll do it for the parking space. 76 00:03:26,313 --> 00:03:28,314 And if you promise not to tell me what you mean. 77 00:03:31,222 --> 00:03:32,158 Thank you. 78 00:03:32,283 --> 00:03:34,111 I really appreciate you helping me out. 79 00:03:34,281 --> 00:03:37,129 And I appreciate the opportunity. You know, sometimes, 80 00:03:37,254 --> 00:03:40,034 - people don't take me seriously. - So what are you gonna do? 81 00:03:40,203 --> 00:03:42,007 Wave a pocket watch in front of my face 82 00:03:42,132 --> 00:03:44,580 and tell me I'm getting very sleepy? 83 00:03:45,913 --> 00:03:47,444 Just checking the time. 84 00:03:48,419 --> 00:03:49,794 Now close your eyes. 85 00:03:49,962 --> 00:03:52,059 Keep them closed at all times. 86 00:03:52,602 --> 00:03:56,165 And listen to the soothing sound of my voice. 87 00:03:56,290 --> 00:03:59,095 The only word that will bring you out is... 88 00:04:00,292 --> 00:04:01,097 gorilla. 89 00:04:02,171 --> 00:04:05,558 Okay, now focus on the rhythm of your own breathing. 90 00:04:07,232 --> 00:04:09,671 And when you feel the desire to light up a cigarette, 91 00:04:09,796 --> 00:04:11,618 you will associate these urges 92 00:04:11,743 --> 00:04:13,556 with things in your life that disgust you. 93 00:04:13,681 --> 00:04:15,031 Bad-tasting food. 94 00:04:15,421 --> 00:04:16,571 Sex with men. 95 00:04:17,047 --> 00:04:18,573 Wearing attractive clothing. 96 00:04:19,048 --> 00:04:20,098 And soon... 97 00:04:21,986 --> 00:04:24,328 Oh, God, I think I really hurt myself! 98 00:04:24,498 --> 00:04:25,996 Somebody help me. 99 00:04:26,775 --> 00:04:27,915 Britta, wake up! 100 00:04:28,084 --> 00:04:30,114 Why'd I put you under so well? 101 00:04:30,726 --> 00:04:31,976 Damn my talent. 102 00:04:33,257 --> 00:04:36,674 Topic for debate is "are people inherently good or evil?" 103 00:04:36,842 --> 00:04:39,010 So when do you want to get together to strategize? 104 00:04:39,178 --> 00:04:40,616 Annie, I was a lawyer. 105 00:04:40,741 --> 00:04:42,305 I was a debater for money. 106 00:04:42,474 --> 00:04:44,274 I think I can handle this. 107 00:04:46,366 --> 00:04:48,868 - How was hypnotherapy? - He fell down and screamed in pain 108 00:04:48,993 --> 00:04:51,897 while I laid there with my eyes closed to make him feel like he's good. 109 00:04:52,466 --> 00:04:54,400 - This will never end. - It's already done. 110 00:04:55,362 --> 00:04:56,861 He just wants one more session. 111 00:04:58,615 --> 00:05:00,990 Where's Abed? I need to talk to him about his films. 112 00:05:01,158 --> 00:05:03,326 That boy's flat-out prescient. He can read our minds. 113 00:05:07,088 --> 00:05:09,123 I know what you're gonna say. You watched my movies. 114 00:05:09,293 --> 00:05:10,566 - He's a witch! - Get him! 115 00:05:10,691 --> 00:05:12,875 I'm not a witch. I'm a student of human character. 116 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:15,942 I know you guys all so well I can predict your behavior. 117 00:05:16,256 --> 00:05:18,883 Like Shirley. I know you're a sweet, christian, 118 00:05:19,263 --> 00:05:20,500 generous person. 119 00:05:20,755 --> 00:05:22,055 Oh, that's nice. 120 00:05:23,514 --> 00:05:26,069 You have thinly veiled rage issues. Careful, boy. 121 00:05:27,215 --> 00:05:29,161 Here. Check this out. May I? 122 00:05:31,439 --> 00:05:33,648 Jeff's character acts like nothing affects him. 123 00:05:33,816 --> 00:05:35,131 But things bother him. 124 00:05:35,256 --> 00:05:36,946 Hey, I'm top of the class. 125 00:05:39,447 --> 00:05:40,947 He's also very vain. 126 00:05:42,322 --> 00:05:43,446 Ridiculous. 127 00:05:46,650 --> 00:05:47,620 Why am I crying? 128 00:05:47,885 --> 00:05:50,414 What, I accidentally listen to Come sail away by Styx again? 129 00:05:50,584 --> 00:05:53,327 You don't have to worry. It's a movie. I can't predict the future. 130 00:05:53,581 --> 00:05:55,181 My leg. I hurt my leg. 131 00:05:58,295 --> 00:06:00,089 What up, happy people? 132 00:06:00,815 --> 00:06:02,953 You tell me my future right now, you evil wizard! 133 00:06:03,137 --> 00:06:06,263 By the way, I think your shirt's trying to get out of your pants. 134 00:06:07,838 --> 00:06:11,842 As golding's Lord of the flies demonstrates, man, 135 00:06:12,646 --> 00:06:14,021 when left to his own devices, 136 00:06:14,461 --> 00:06:15,523 will descend 137 00:06:15,691 --> 00:06:16,691 into chaos 138 00:06:17,345 --> 00:06:18,345 and evil. 139 00:06:26,708 --> 00:06:28,900 And now, from City College, 140 00:06:29,148 --> 00:06:30,398 Jeremy Simmons. 141 00:06:42,551 --> 00:06:44,560 There were 23,000... 142 00:06:46,402 --> 00:06:48,852 kidney donations in America last year. 143 00:06:50,081 --> 00:06:51,181 Man is good. 144 00:06:51,686 --> 00:06:54,084 The average life expectancy 145 00:06:54,209 --> 00:06:56,208 for a man in a community 146 00:06:57,719 --> 00:07:00,691 is 23 years longer than a man... 147 00:07:01,174 --> 00:07:01,945 alone. 148 00:07:02,154 --> 00:07:03,528 Man is good. 149 00:07:04,221 --> 00:07:06,222 And just ten minutes ago, 150 00:07:06,347 --> 00:07:09,624 a bald, bespectacled man held the door 151 00:07:09,749 --> 00:07:11,162 for a man in a wheelchair. 152 00:07:12,290 --> 00:07:13,706 Man is good. 153 00:07:16,723 --> 00:07:17,918 I hate this guy. 154 00:07:18,088 --> 00:07:20,285 By the end of this debate, 155 00:07:20,410 --> 00:07:22,964 I will prove with... facts 156 00:07:23,228 --> 00:07:24,228 and data 157 00:07:24,620 --> 00:07:26,704 that man is inherently... 158 00:07:27,686 --> 00:07:28,429 good. 159 00:07:31,100 --> 00:07:33,916 Old trick for achieving the proper competitive mindset, 160 00:07:34,041 --> 00:07:37,228 I always envision my opponent having aggressive sex 161 00:07:37,353 --> 00:07:38,481 with my mother. 162 00:07:47,659 --> 00:07:49,209 This feels so formal. 163 00:07:50,733 --> 00:07:52,033 Let's just talk. 164 00:07:52,968 --> 00:07:53,995 People are evil. 165 00:07:54,868 --> 00:07:56,273 They can't help it. 166 00:07:56,672 --> 00:07:58,116 I didn't catch your name. 167 00:07:59,168 --> 00:08:00,002 It's Jean. 168 00:08:00,171 --> 00:08:01,235 Take Jean here. 169 00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:05,260 She spent a lot of time this morning making herself look so lovely. 170 00:08:06,510 --> 00:08:07,318 Tell me. 171 00:08:07,443 --> 00:08:10,012 How many people bothered to tell you how great you look today? 172 00:08:10,695 --> 00:08:12,114 - None. - Man is evil. 173 00:08:12,239 --> 00:08:14,639 But you just said how great I looked. 174 00:08:14,810 --> 00:08:17,304 For my own selfish purposes. 175 00:08:17,429 --> 00:08:20,191 The fact is, as hot as you look, 176 00:08:20,872 --> 00:08:22,066 and it is quite hot, 177 00:08:23,319 --> 00:08:25,401 I wouldn't have said anything. 178 00:08:25,571 --> 00:08:27,613 When I talk about people being evil, 179 00:08:27,782 --> 00:08:29,871 I could cite quotes or dig up statistics, 180 00:08:29,996 --> 00:08:32,245 but those are just words and numbers. 181 00:08:32,370 --> 00:08:33,370 I think... 182 00:08:33,651 --> 00:08:34,701 we could... 183 00:08:35,009 --> 00:08:36,329 have a little more fun 184 00:08:36,618 --> 00:08:38,499 if I express myself 185 00:08:38,667 --> 00:08:39,667 in song. 186 00:08:40,912 --> 00:08:43,123 Evil woman 187 00:08:44,685 --> 00:08:46,673 Evil woman 188 00:08:49,430 --> 00:08:51,053 That's my time, everybody. 189 00:08:51,224 --> 00:08:52,621 Thank you very much. 190 00:08:55,998 --> 00:08:57,978 At the end of round one, 191 00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:00,271 City College: 50, 192 00:09:03,128 --> 00:09:04,275 Greendale: 8. 193 00:09:12,598 --> 00:09:15,098 - I only got 8? - She got 8. You got 0. 194 00:09:15,456 --> 00:09:17,654 It's a debate. Not American Idol. 195 00:09:21,145 --> 00:09:22,917 Nice work, L.A. Law. 196 00:09:23,089 --> 00:09:24,503 All sizzle, no steak. 197 00:09:25,675 --> 00:09:28,261 I don't care, dude. I'm doing this for a parking space. 198 00:09:28,386 --> 00:09:31,207 Let's go, boys. Come on. I want to see some hustlers out here. 199 00:09:31,332 --> 00:09:32,565 Let's go. 200 00:09:32,899 --> 00:09:35,471 By Zeus, what sort of jackassery is this? 201 00:09:35,643 --> 00:09:37,558 We're in the middle of a championship debate. 202 00:09:37,727 --> 00:09:40,014 We reserved the gym for practice. 203 00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:43,355 They reserved it. They've got us by the short ones. 204 00:09:44,858 --> 00:09:47,392 The debate is suspended until tomorrow. 205 00:09:47,517 --> 00:09:50,404 Hopefully, by then, we can get our act together. 206 00:09:51,735 --> 00:09:54,328 Oh, great try, Bruce! Great try. 207 00:09:57,038 --> 00:09:59,350 When are we getting together to prepare for tomorrow? 208 00:09:59,475 --> 00:10:01,214 Never, it's stupid, I don't care. 209 00:10:01,957 --> 00:10:02,957 Bite me. 210 00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:08,234 Maybe Simmons is right. You really are all sizzle and no steak. 211 00:10:08,834 --> 00:10:12,084 - You couldn't beat him if you tried. - What do you mean I can't beat him? 212 00:10:12,209 --> 00:10:14,700 You and I will study harder than we've ever studied before 213 00:10:14,825 --> 00:10:16,763 - and beat City College tomorrow. - Really? 214 00:10:16,931 --> 00:10:18,681 No, who am I, Carly? 215 00:10:19,763 --> 00:10:20,769 Abed is right. 216 00:10:20,894 --> 00:10:23,144 You act like things don't bother you, but they do. 217 00:10:23,315 --> 00:10:25,563 Look, six months ago, I was a lawyer. 218 00:10:25,731 --> 00:10:27,398 I wore suits. I used to say stuff like, 219 00:10:27,735 --> 00:10:29,457 "objection" and "sidebar". 220 00:10:29,582 --> 00:10:32,109 Now I'm losing a community college debate 221 00:10:32,234 --> 00:10:34,197 to Jeremy "soul patch" Simmons. 222 00:10:36,583 --> 00:10:37,933 You like to sing? 223 00:10:38,333 --> 00:10:40,161 I like to sing too. 224 00:10:40,833 --> 00:10:43,408 Zero for Winger... 225 00:10:45,038 --> 00:10:46,038 Kick that. 226 00:10:46,163 --> 00:10:48,575 Was a big shot lawyer... 227 00:10:50,082 --> 00:10:51,392 Now he's a... 228 00:10:55,110 --> 00:10:56,303 looser. 229 00:10:56,556 --> 00:10:58,429 Lay off. Jeff didn't understand the rules. 230 00:11:00,955 --> 00:11:04,336 - What's your excuse, eight points? - Dude, leave her out of this. 231 00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:07,540 Little Annie Adderall 232 00:11:07,940 --> 00:11:09,190 was an outcast 233 00:11:09,361 --> 00:11:10,858 in high school 234 00:11:11,029 --> 00:11:11,851 That's it. 235 00:11:11,976 --> 00:11:14,237 Dude, we are gonna debate the living crap out of you. 236 00:11:16,167 --> 00:11:17,680 We've got some preparing to do. 237 00:11:17,957 --> 00:11:19,664 I liked you better when you were smoking. 238 00:11:19,789 --> 00:11:20,743 I'm so sorry. 239 00:11:21,042 --> 00:11:22,392 No, you're right. 240 00:11:22,542 --> 00:11:24,288 My feet are long and stupid. 241 00:11:24,602 --> 00:11:26,165 You can't unring that bell. 242 00:11:30,028 --> 00:11:32,303 - That's my newspaper. - What do you need a paper for? 243 00:11:32,428 --> 00:11:35,299 You knew what's happened yesterday, you middle-eastern magic eight ball. 244 00:11:35,470 --> 00:11:37,719 Pierce hurt his leg, Britta made Troy cry. 245 00:11:38,291 --> 00:11:39,542 What's my destiny? 246 00:11:39,667 --> 00:11:42,015 Am I gonna die in a car? Is it gonna happen soon? 247 00:11:42,185 --> 00:11:44,559 I have no psychic abilities. I'm just an entertainer. 248 00:11:44,729 --> 00:11:46,524 But if it'll make you feel any better, 249 00:11:46,649 --> 00:11:48,549 here, let me show you what I'm working on. 250 00:11:55,389 --> 00:11:57,697 I'm sorry. Is that me being chased down by a werewolf? 251 00:11:58,528 --> 00:12:00,283 That's how you'd behave in that situation? 252 00:12:00,453 --> 00:12:03,369 The situation being me being chased down by a werewolf. 253 00:12:10,088 --> 00:12:12,116 And that's Jeff locking lips with Annie. 254 00:12:12,976 --> 00:12:14,002 You're a fool. 255 00:12:14,851 --> 00:12:18,413 So, in the experiment, Stanford students were divided into prisoners and guards. 256 00:12:18,538 --> 00:12:20,688 The guards immediately started... 257 00:12:20,974 --> 00:12:22,758 - What's wrong? - I've this weird pain 258 00:12:22,883 --> 00:12:24,300 right above my eyebrow. 259 00:12:24,850 --> 00:12:27,643 It's called a stress headache. I got my first one when I was four. 260 00:12:27,814 --> 00:12:28,811 I hate it. 261 00:12:29,104 --> 00:12:30,229 Get used to it. 262 00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:31,817 You're knee-deep in it now. 263 00:12:32,068 --> 00:12:33,966 This is debate. If you want to win, 264 00:12:34,267 --> 00:12:35,577 you need to prepare. 265 00:12:35,864 --> 00:12:38,412 Agreed, but if you want to win, 266 00:12:38,801 --> 00:12:40,477 you need to loosen up. 267 00:12:40,602 --> 00:12:42,895 Go off book, robot debater. 268 00:12:46,993 --> 00:12:47,993 You're right. 269 00:12:49,493 --> 00:12:51,563 Simmons is so good at using his... 270 00:12:51,688 --> 00:12:53,545 inherent magnetism to sell his points, 271 00:12:54,546 --> 00:12:56,945 and here I am, like a spinster librarian 272 00:12:57,070 --> 00:12:58,382 with my hair pulled back. 273 00:13:08,923 --> 00:13:10,144 What do you think? 274 00:13:13,120 --> 00:13:14,120 Thanks. 275 00:13:15,492 --> 00:13:17,777 Be careful. Abed thinks you two are gonna kiss. 276 00:13:19,157 --> 00:13:20,204 Ridiculous. 277 00:13:21,346 --> 00:13:22,245 Us. 278 00:13:22,370 --> 00:13:24,242 Kissing. That is ridiculous. 279 00:13:24,586 --> 00:13:25,409 Totally. 280 00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:32,685 We should get back to work. 281 00:13:33,995 --> 00:13:37,296 The people are inherently evil. 282 00:13:38,244 --> 00:13:39,848 We can use this Hobbes quote. 283 00:13:41,069 --> 00:13:42,593 "Man is a collection 284 00:13:42,764 --> 00:13:44,310 "of base animal urges." 285 00:13:44,435 --> 00:13:46,430 "To act on them and experience 286 00:13:46,601 --> 00:13:50,078 "sinful pleasure would be morally no different than taking a breath." 287 00:13:52,994 --> 00:13:54,401 That's poignant, right? 288 00:13:54,995 --> 00:13:58,317 You know, maybe we should study alone. Separately. 289 00:13:59,166 --> 00:14:01,362 That way we can be more reproductive... Productive! 290 00:14:03,910 --> 00:14:04,907 Bye. 291 00:14:10,416 --> 00:14:12,750 - You forgot your phone. - Well, I can get another one. 292 00:14:14,528 --> 00:14:16,159 The next time you even see 293 00:14:16,381 --> 00:14:17,478 a cigarette, 294 00:14:17,741 --> 00:14:19,888 you will think of things that disgust you. 295 00:14:25,432 --> 00:14:27,341 And while you're under so deep, 296 00:14:29,204 --> 00:14:33,019 you'll find yourself attracted to slightly older men. 297 00:14:33,644 --> 00:14:35,897 Perhaps, some barrel-chested stud 298 00:14:36,067 --> 00:14:38,414 with just enough tummy to love. 299 00:14:39,659 --> 00:14:42,528 You'll want to buy him dinner, then go back to his hot tub. 300 00:14:43,558 --> 00:14:46,532 Perhaps, you'll invite one friend to join us for a three-way. 301 00:14:46,703 --> 00:14:49,290 Maybe someone with low self-esteem, and... 302 00:14:49,415 --> 00:14:50,828 slightly larger breasts. 303 00:14:51,997 --> 00:14:54,207 Go to hell, you disgusting pig. 304 00:14:55,068 --> 00:14:57,684 Pierce, I was awake the whole time. I was faking it. 305 00:14:57,809 --> 00:14:59,370 I know. I saw you. 306 00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:01,547 What do you think I am, a joke? 307 00:15:03,210 --> 00:15:05,635 I was trying to make you feel better about yourself. 308 00:15:05,805 --> 00:15:07,357 How dare you pity me? 309 00:15:09,503 --> 00:15:11,419 I may be a little older, 310 00:15:11,841 --> 00:15:13,790 my ideas may seem weird, 311 00:15:14,241 --> 00:15:15,937 and my fashion sense may cause envy. 312 00:15:16,119 --> 00:15:17,619 But I have a lot to offer. 313 00:15:17,744 --> 00:15:19,746 And I will not be pitied. 314 00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:29,520 Do not help me up. 315 00:15:31,394 --> 00:15:34,532 And as German poet Franz Wickmeyer once wrote... 316 00:15:37,565 --> 00:15:39,765 "Snow falls from the heavens pure. 317 00:15:42,020 --> 00:15:43,943 "We cannot blame the snow for being... 318 00:15:45,020 --> 00:15:46,384 "soiled by the earth." 319 00:15:51,334 --> 00:15:52,334 Man is good. 320 00:15:58,191 --> 00:15:59,855 What? That dude gets it. 321 00:16:00,395 --> 00:16:02,900 Jeff Winger will now offer a two-minute rebuttal. 322 00:16:08,034 --> 00:16:11,076 What are you gonna sing tonight? I'm in the mood for some Sade. 323 00:16:16,207 --> 00:16:18,407 In the Stanford prison experiment, 324 00:16:18,653 --> 00:16:20,399 21 out of 21 students, 325 00:16:20,524 --> 00:16:22,311 when given absolute power, 326 00:16:22,436 --> 00:16:25,080 abused and tortured their fellow students. 327 00:16:25,458 --> 00:16:28,674 My competitor likens people to pure, falling snow. 328 00:16:29,555 --> 00:16:30,656 I would respond, 329 00:16:31,474 --> 00:16:33,135 "There is none righteous." 330 00:16:34,112 --> 00:16:35,262 "Not one." 331 00:16:35,434 --> 00:16:37,313 Now I realize Mr. Simmons' quote 332 00:16:37,438 --> 00:16:39,688 was from the great Franz Wickmeyer. 333 00:16:40,082 --> 00:16:43,155 Mine was just from a simple desert handyman... 334 00:16:44,236 --> 00:16:45,318 named Jesus. 335 00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:50,614 That's nice! 336 00:16:51,060 --> 00:16:52,368 Survival of the fittest 337 00:16:52,493 --> 00:16:55,202 wires an impulse to eliminate people into our hearts. 338 00:16:55,370 --> 00:16:57,997 - Counterpoint. - Mother Teresa. Joan of Arc. 339 00:16:58,167 --> 00:16:59,938 - Rebuttal. - Nuclear bombs. 340 00:17:00,063 --> 00:17:01,916 - Nuclear families. - Abu Ghraib. 341 00:17:02,127 --> 00:17:04,252 - Apu from the Simpsons. - Double rejoinder. 342 00:17:04,463 --> 00:17:06,093 - Telemarketers. - Organ donors. 343 00:17:06,298 --> 00:17:07,673 - Hate crimes. - Executions. 344 00:17:07,843 --> 00:17:09,258 Ketchup is a vegetable. 345 00:17:09,696 --> 00:17:11,220 This is a real barn-burner. 346 00:17:11,925 --> 00:17:13,519 God, did I just say cross-burner? 347 00:17:13,644 --> 00:17:15,639 - No, you did not. - Good. 348 00:17:15,809 --> 00:17:18,225 - We make an amazing team. - I know. We're so in sync. 349 00:17:18,395 --> 00:17:21,228 It's like a perfect duet or great... Professor Whitman. 350 00:17:22,134 --> 00:17:24,679 Your preparation was impeccable. You remind me of a young me, 351 00:17:24,804 --> 00:17:26,252 with slightly worse hair. 352 00:17:27,162 --> 00:17:28,542 I checked with the judges. 353 00:17:28,667 --> 00:17:30,831 They'll need a miracle to win in rebuttal. 354 00:17:30,956 --> 00:17:32,456 Simmons is finished. 355 00:17:33,951 --> 00:17:35,355 This is too much for me. 356 00:17:40,374 --> 00:17:41,631 He's going off book. 357 00:17:43,377 --> 00:17:45,707 Why is he ripping up the cards? Doesn't he need them? 358 00:17:45,832 --> 00:17:46,832 It's a gambit. 359 00:18:26,644 --> 00:18:27,846 He hates me. 360 00:18:28,460 --> 00:18:30,494 Yet he caught me. 361 00:18:32,581 --> 00:18:34,555 Man is good. 362 00:18:54,843 --> 00:18:57,283 He was horny. So he dropped him. 363 00:19:01,333 --> 00:19:03,364 Man is evil. 364 00:19:09,643 --> 00:19:10,880 Greendale wins. 365 00:19:17,061 --> 00:19:18,220 Eat that, Simmons. 366 00:19:23,425 --> 00:19:24,974 That off-book enough for ya? 367 00:19:31,122 --> 00:19:32,471 Simmons got robbed. 368 00:19:32,596 --> 00:19:33,576 They kissed. 369 00:19:33,701 --> 00:19:34,953 You do have powers. 370 00:19:35,078 --> 00:19:36,532 I'm gonna die by werewolf. 371 00:19:36,657 --> 00:19:38,595 Shirley, I don't have powers. Trust me. 372 00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:41,160 In my next film, we discover that Pierce is an genius. 373 00:19:41,937 --> 00:19:43,853 - That's not gonna happen. - No, it's not. 374 00:19:45,164 --> 00:19:46,475 I can't smoke a cigarette 375 00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:48,908 without thinking of a three-way in your hot tub. 376 00:19:49,033 --> 00:19:50,083 You did it. 377 00:19:51,414 --> 00:19:53,150 - I did? - You're a genius. 378 00:19:53,638 --> 00:19:54,938 Who's the third? 379 00:19:57,243 --> 00:19:58,932 You did great in there! 380 00:19:59,095 --> 00:20:01,094 Let's take this bacchanalia outside. 381 00:20:01,219 --> 00:20:02,619 Full moon tonight. 382 00:20:10,115 --> 00:20:11,982 I'm going this way, so... 383 00:20:12,829 --> 00:20:14,144 Congratulations... 384 00:20:15,173 --> 00:20:15,903 buddy. 385 00:20:16,627 --> 00:20:17,627 Thanks... 386 00:20:18,036 --> 00:20:19,036 pal. 387 00:20:25,185 --> 00:20:26,285 Just pat me. 388 00:20:49,314 --> 00:20:50,896 Cut. Let me ask you a question. 389 00:20:51,066 --> 00:20:53,347 Do you hate this? Do you hate doing this? 390 00:20:53,472 --> 00:20:54,472 Do you? 391 00:20:54,748 --> 00:20:56,860 Can I talk to you for a second? Just hold on. 392 00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:06,272 Just have fun with it. 393 00:21:07,859 --> 00:21:08,872 Take 36.