1 00:00:02,068 --> 00:00:03,865 So then the guy says to the housekeeper: 2 00:00:04,070 --> 00:00:07,335 "Make sure she's dead." Stop me if you've heard this before. 3 00:00:07,540 --> 00:00:09,440 Would've been nice 27 minutes ago. 4 00:00:09,642 --> 00:00:13,078 The housekeeper says to the guy, "We don't have a pool." 5 00:00:14,581 --> 00:00:15,570 And the guy says... 6 00:00:15,782 --> 00:00:17,147 Good morning, Greendale. 7 00:00:17,350 --> 00:00:19,648 Just a reminder, our debate team will bring home 8 00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:22,083 the championship tomorrow versus City College. 9 00:00:22,655 --> 00:00:23,917 Go, Human Beings. 10 00:00:24,124 --> 00:00:27,184 Great, now I gotta start the whole joke over again. 11 00:00:27,660 --> 00:00:30,060 Okay, so this... No! I've got one for you. 12 00:00:30,263 --> 00:00:32,925 A doddering old fool walks into a bar, 13 00:00:33,133 --> 00:00:36,466 tells a stupid joke, and I crush his windpipe with my three-ringed binder. 14 00:00:38,338 --> 00:00:40,431 I don't get it. Britta's trying to give up cigarettes. 15 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:41,937 Don't tell them my business. 16 00:00:42,142 --> 00:00:45,339 I'll slap that look off your pointy face. 17 00:00:45,545 --> 00:00:50,608 Britta, I'm saying this because I care about you and you're my friend. 18 00:00:50,817 --> 00:00:52,284 You need to start smoking again. 19 00:00:52,485 --> 00:00:53,884 I really think you should. 20 00:00:54,087 --> 00:00:57,022 You lose weight and your skin looks great when you smoke. 21 00:00:57,223 --> 00:00:59,783 Guys, I appreciate your support, but I've got to quit. 22 00:00:59,993 --> 00:01:01,688 Have you thought about hypnotherapy? 23 00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:04,386 I know a hypnotherapist. Ten-to-one says it's him. 24 00:01:04,597 --> 00:01:07,794 His name is Pierce Hawthorne. And I'm very effective. 25 00:01:08,001 --> 00:01:11,596 Can you help me block out people's voices I find extremely annoying? 26 00:01:11,805 --> 00:01:13,534 Jeff, she's right there. 27 00:01:13,740 --> 00:01:15,230 Pierce, 28 00:01:15,442 --> 00:01:17,376 I would be grateful for your help. 29 00:01:17,577 --> 00:01:20,273 You would? Super. I'll set it up. 30 00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:21,970 What? I feel bad for him. 31 00:01:22,182 --> 00:01:23,581 Plus, I just yelled at him. 32 00:01:23,783 --> 00:01:25,114 You yelled at me too. Oh. 33 00:01:25,318 --> 00:01:26,979 Did I hurt your feelings, pointy face? 34 00:01:27,187 --> 00:01:28,779 Wow. Wow. 35 00:01:28,988 --> 00:01:31,582 Have you seen the film department's website? 36 00:01:31,791 --> 00:01:33,588 What do you think? 37 00:01:34,127 --> 00:01:36,755 All of Abed's films are about us. What? 38 00:01:36,963 --> 00:01:38,430 Check it out. 39 00:01:40,166 --> 00:01:41,155 What else is new? 40 00:01:41,367 --> 00:01:42,459 Jeff. 41 00:01:42,669 --> 00:01:43,636 Hola. 42 00:01:43,837 --> 00:01:46,567 Jeff, stop being so relaxed. We need to talk to you about... 43 00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:50,231 You're living out of your car. Why on earth are you living out of your car? 44 00:01:50,443 --> 00:01:52,570 Those people look just like us. That's eerie. 45 00:01:52,779 --> 00:01:56,010 Fine, it's true. I'm living out of my car. 46 00:01:56,382 --> 00:01:57,576 And I don't want anyone's help. 47 00:01:59,185 --> 00:02:01,745 We had almost that exact conversation last week. 48 00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:04,788 Yeah, but Abed posted this video two weeks ago. 49 00:02:06,192 --> 00:02:07,352 That boy is a soothsayer. 50 00:02:09,696 --> 00:02:12,665 This is wrinkling my brain. This is wrinkling my brain. 51 00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:14,333 That's wrinkling my brain. 52 00:02:14,534 --> 00:02:16,126 Get a load of these wrinkles. 53 00:02:16,369 --> 00:02:19,497 Heh, heh. Who's that old guy? Hi. I'm Pierce Hawthorne. 54 00:02:19,706 --> 00:02:20,866 Oh, come on. 55 00:02:27,914 --> 00:02:30,007 There he is. Oh. Mr. Winger. Hold on. 56 00:02:30,216 --> 00:02:32,776 Did you to hear my announcement? I hang on every word. 57 00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:34,749 I assume that's sarcasm. Correct. 58 00:02:34,954 --> 00:02:36,751 You didn't hear? I'm barely listening now. 59 00:02:36,956 --> 00:02:37,945 Oh, okay. 60 00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:41,355 My debate partner dropped out. We need you for the championship. 61 00:02:41,561 --> 00:02:44,621 Jeffrey, as debate coach, I'm offering you an opportunity 62 00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:47,197 to spend a night drinking from the cup of life 63 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:49,994 rather than romancing your nether regions in front of the E! Channel. 64 00:02:50,203 --> 00:02:54,003 Come on, Jeff, who better than a former lawyer to really stick it 65 00:02:54,207 --> 00:02:57,665 to those City College snobs and their star debater, Simmons? 66 00:02:57,877 --> 00:03:00,209 Mmm. Pass. 67 00:03:00,747 --> 00:03:02,044 Okay, no, no, no. Wait. 68 00:03:02,248 --> 00:03:03,374 Okay, no, no, no. Look. 69 00:03:03,583 --> 00:03:04,572 Listen, jerk wad. 70 00:03:04,784 --> 00:03:06,945 I'm sorry, that got heated. 71 00:03:07,153 --> 00:03:08,586 Greendale needs a win. 72 00:03:08,788 --> 00:03:11,348 The best compliment our sports program gets 73 00:03:11,558 --> 00:03:13,583 is that our basketball team is really gay. 74 00:03:13,793 --> 00:03:15,454 So, what's it gonna take? 75 00:03:15,662 --> 00:03:18,859 A plum parking space? Free meals? 76 00:03:19,065 --> 00:03:23,900 A night of companionship, if you know what I mean? 77 00:03:24,771 --> 00:03:26,671 I'll do it for the parking space. 78 00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:28,841 And if you promise not to tell me what you mean. 79 00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:31,268 All right. Yeah. 80 00:03:31,811 --> 00:03:34,609 Pierce, thank you. I really appreciate you helping me out. 81 00:03:34,814 --> 00:03:36,304 And I appreciate the opportunity. 82 00:03:36,516 --> 00:03:39,349 You know, sometimes I think people don't take me seriously. 83 00:03:39,552 --> 00:03:40,541 What are you gonna do? 84 00:03:40,753 --> 00:03:42,618 Wave a pocket watch in front of my face 85 00:03:42,822 --> 00:03:45,086 and tell me I'm getting very sleepy. 86 00:03:46,559 --> 00:03:48,618 Just checking the time. 87 00:03:48,962 --> 00:03:52,693 Now close your eyes and keep them closed at all times. 88 00:03:53,166 --> 00:03:56,761 And listen to the soothing sound of my voice. 89 00:03:56,970 --> 00:03:59,598 The only word that will bring you out is 90 00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:02,374 "gorilla." 91 00:04:02,575 --> 00:04:06,341 Okay, now, focus on the rhythm of your own breathing. 92 00:04:07,780 --> 00:04:10,271 And when you feel the desire to light up a cigarette 93 00:04:10,483 --> 00:04:14,044 you will associate these urges with things in your life that disgust you. 94 00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:15,881 Bad tasting food, 95 00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:17,317 sex with men, 96 00:04:17,523 --> 00:04:19,081 wearing attractive clothing. 97 00:04:22,428 --> 00:04:24,828 Oh, God, I think I really hurt myself. 98 00:04:25,031 --> 00:04:26,498 Somebody help me. 99 00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:28,423 Oh! Britta, wake up. 100 00:04:28,635 --> 00:04:31,069 Why did I put you under so well? 101 00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:33,603 Damn my talents. Aah! 102 00:04:33,806 --> 00:04:37,173 The topic for the debate is, "Are people inherently good or evil?" 103 00:04:37,377 --> 00:04:39,504 When do you want to get together to strategize? 104 00:04:39,712 --> 00:04:41,179 Annie, I was a lawyer. 105 00:04:41,381 --> 00:04:42,814 I was a debater for money. 106 00:04:43,016 --> 00:04:45,211 I think I can handle this. 107 00:04:46,786 --> 00:04:47,844 So how was hypnotherapy? 108 00:04:48,054 --> 00:04:53,014 He fell down while I laid there to make him feel like a good hypnotherapist. 109 00:04:53,226 --> 00:04:55,694 You realize this will never end. It's already done. 110 00:04:55,895 --> 00:04:57,362 He just wants one more session. 111 00:04:57,563 --> 00:04:59,190 ♪ Wah-waah! ♪ 112 00:04:59,532 --> 00:05:01,500 Where's Abed? I need to talk to him about his films. 113 00:05:01,701 --> 00:05:04,829 That boy is flat-out prescient. He can read our minds. 114 00:05:08,007 --> 00:05:09,634 I know. You watched my movies. 115 00:05:09,842 --> 00:05:11,207 He's a witch. Get him. 116 00:05:11,411 --> 00:05:13,641 I'm not a witch. I'm a student of human character. 117 00:05:13,846 --> 00:05:16,644 I know you guys all so well I can predict your behavior. 118 00:05:16,849 --> 00:05:21,115 Like, Shirley, I know you're a sweet, Christian, generous person. 119 00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:23,846 Oh, that's nice. Oh, that's nice. 120 00:05:24,057 --> 00:05:25,354 I know you have rage issues. 121 00:05:25,558 --> 00:05:27,389 Careful, boy. Oh! Careful, boy. 122 00:05:27,827 --> 00:05:30,557 Here, check this out. May I? Okay. Yeah. 123 00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:33,693 Jeff acts like nothing affects him, 124 00:05:33,900 --> 00:05:36,130 but things bother him more than he lets on. 125 00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:38,497 Hey, I'm top of the class. 126 00:05:40,039 --> 00:05:41,870 He's also very vain. 127 00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:43,969 Pfft! Ridiculous. 128 00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:45,838 Ohh. 129 00:05:47,313 --> 00:05:50,908 Why am I crying? Will I listen to "Come Sail Away" by Styx again? 130 00:05:51,117 --> 00:05:54,553 Don't worry, Troy, it's just a movie. I can't predict the future. 131 00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:56,852 I hurt my leg. Ah! 132 00:05:58,858 --> 00:06:01,122 What up, happy people? 133 00:06:01,327 --> 00:06:03,488 You tell me my future right now, evil wizard. 134 00:06:03,696 --> 00:06:06,756 By the way, I think your shirt's trying to get out of your pants. 135 00:06:08,468 --> 00:06:12,996 As Golding's Lord of the Flies demonstrates, man, 136 00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:16,039 when left to his own devices, will descend 137 00:06:16,242 --> 00:06:19,769 into chaos and evil. 138 00:06:26,786 --> 00:06:30,950 And now, from City College, Jeremy Simmons. 139 00:06:33,659 --> 00:06:36,423 Jeremy. Jeremy. 140 00:06:36,629 --> 00:06:38,756 Jeremy. Jeremy. 141 00:06:43,102 --> 00:06:46,094 There were 23,000 142 00:06:47,006 --> 00:06:50,100 kidney donations in America last year. 143 00:06:50,676 --> 00:06:52,041 Man is good. 144 00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:57,808 The average life expectancy for a man in a community 145 00:06:58,317 --> 00:07:02,481 is 23 years longer than a man alone. 146 00:07:02,688 --> 00:07:04,656 Man is good. 147 00:07:04,857 --> 00:07:09,385 And just 10 minutes ago, a bald, bespectacled man 148 00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:12,621 held the door for a man in a wheelchair. 149 00:07:12,832 --> 00:07:14,231 Man is good. 150 00:07:15,868 --> 00:07:18,428 Oh. Heh, heh. I hate this guy. 151 00:07:18,638 --> 00:07:20,799 By the end of this debate 152 00:07:21,007 --> 00:07:25,034 I will prove with facts and data 153 00:07:25,244 --> 00:07:28,941 that man is inherently good. 154 00:07:31,651 --> 00:07:34,449 Little trick for achieving the proper competitive mind set. 155 00:07:34,654 --> 00:07:36,485 I always envision my opponent 156 00:07:36,689 --> 00:07:38,987 having aggressive sex with my mother. 157 00:07:48,201 --> 00:07:50,169 This feels so formal. 158 00:07:51,370 --> 00:07:53,065 Let's just talk. 159 00:07:53,639 --> 00:07:56,164 People are evil. They can't help it. 160 00:07:57,243 --> 00:07:59,177 I didn't catch your name. 161 00:07:59,879 --> 00:08:01,744 It's Jean. Take Jean here. 162 00:08:01,948 --> 00:08:05,884 She spent a lot of time this morning making herself look so lovely. 163 00:08:07,053 --> 00:08:10,511 Tell me, how many people bothered to tell you how great you look today? 164 00:08:11,290 --> 00:08:12,655 None. Man is evil. 165 00:08:12,859 --> 00:08:15,157 But you just said how great I looked. 166 00:08:15,361 --> 00:08:17,921 For my own selfish purposes. 167 00:08:18,130 --> 00:08:21,361 The fact is, as hot as you look 168 00:08:21,567 --> 00:08:25,901 and it is quite hot, I wouldn't have said anything. 169 00:08:26,105 --> 00:08:28,130 When I talk about people being evil, 170 00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:30,434 I could cite quotes, or dig up statistics, 171 00:08:30,643 --> 00:08:32,804 but those are just words and numbers. 172 00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:36,846 I think we could have a little more fun 173 00:08:37,049 --> 00:08:40,712 if I express myself in song. 174 00:08:41,287 --> 00:08:44,586 ♪ Evil woman ♪ 175 00:08:45,124 --> 00:08:48,355 ♪ Evil woman ♪♪ 176 00:08:49,962 --> 00:08:51,554 That's my time, everybody. 177 00:08:51,764 --> 00:08:53,561 Thank you very much. Yeah. 178 00:08:56,636 --> 00:08:58,797 At the end of round one. 179 00:08:59,005 --> 00:09:01,769 City College, 50. 180 00:09:03,709 --> 00:09:06,041 Greendale, eight. 181 00:09:09,582 --> 00:09:11,482 I got eight? 182 00:09:13,286 --> 00:09:14,776 I only got eight? She got eight. 183 00:09:14,987 --> 00:09:18,286 You got zero. It's debate, not American Idol. 184 00:09:21,661 --> 00:09:23,424 Nice work, L.A. Law. 185 00:09:23,629 --> 00:09:26,029 All sizzle, no steak. 186 00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:28,723 I don't care, dude. I'm doing this for a parking space. 187 00:09:28,935 --> 00:09:30,562 Let's go, boys. Come on, let's go. 188 00:09:30,770 --> 00:09:33,102 I wanna see some hustlers out there. Let's go. 189 00:09:33,306 --> 00:09:35,968 By Zeus. What sort of jackassery is this? 190 00:09:36,175 --> 00:09:38,075 We're in the middle of a debate. 191 00:09:38,277 --> 00:09:41,075 We reserved the gym for practice so... 192 00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:42,338 Yup, they reserved it. 193 00:09:42,548 --> 00:09:45,210 Okay, they got us by the short ones. 194 00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:47,943 The debate is suspended until tomorrow. 195 00:09:48,154 --> 00:09:50,918 Hopefully, by then we can get our act together. 196 00:09:52,291 --> 00:09:55,158 Oh, great try, Bruce. Great try. 197 00:09:57,663 --> 00:10:00,063 When are we getting together to prepare for tomorrow? 198 00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:02,393 Never. Because it's stupid and I don't care. 199 00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:04,399 Bite me. 200 00:10:05,972 --> 00:10:09,305 Maybe Simmons is right. You really are all sizzle and no steak. 201 00:10:09,508 --> 00:10:12,739 You probably couldn't beat him. What do you mean, I can't beat him? 202 00:10:12,945 --> 00:10:16,711 You and I are going to study harder and beat City College tomorrow. 203 00:10:16,916 --> 00:10:17,940 Really? No. 204 00:10:18,150 --> 00:10:20,345 Who am I, iCarly? 205 00:10:20,553 --> 00:10:23,750 Abed is right, you act like things don't bother you, but they do. 206 00:10:23,956 --> 00:10:27,016 Look, six months ago I was a lawyer. I wore suits. 207 00:10:27,226 --> 00:10:30,161 I used to say stuff like "objection" and "sidebar." 208 00:10:30,363 --> 00:10:32,661 Now I'm losing a community college debate 209 00:10:32,865 --> 00:10:34,799 to Jeremy "Soul Patch" Simmons. 210 00:10:35,001 --> 00:10:36,298 Hey, Winger. 211 00:10:37,269 --> 00:10:38,793 You like to sing? 212 00:10:39,005 --> 00:10:41,371 I like to sing too. 213 00:10:41,574 --> 00:10:44,975 ♪ Zero for Winger ♪ 214 00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:46,634 Kick that. 215 00:10:46,846 --> 00:10:49,508 ♪ Was a big shot lawyer ♪ 216 00:10:51,150 --> 00:10:56,986 ♪ Now he's a loser ♪♪ 217 00:10:57,189 --> 00:10:59,623 Lay off, Simmons. Jeff didn't understand the rules. 218 00:10:59,825 --> 00:11:01,383 Yeah? 219 00:11:01,594 --> 00:11:05,325 What's your excuse, eight points? Dude, leave her out of this. 220 00:11:05,531 --> 00:11:11,470 ♪ Little Annie Adderall Was an outcast in high school ♪♪ 221 00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:14,834 That's it. Dude, we are gonna debate the living crap out of you. 222 00:11:16,842 --> 00:11:18,867 We've got some preparing to do. 223 00:11:19,078 --> 00:11:20,477 I liked you better smoking. 224 00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,045 I'm so sorry. No. 225 00:11:22,248 --> 00:11:24,876 You're right, my feet are long and stupid. 226 00:11:25,317 --> 00:11:26,750 You can't unring that bell. 227 00:11:28,187 --> 00:11:29,848 Oh, no. 228 00:11:30,923 --> 00:11:33,289 That's my newspaper. What do you need a paper for? 229 00:11:33,492 --> 00:11:35,892 You knew what was gonna happen, you Magic Eight Ball. 230 00:11:36,095 --> 00:11:38,325 Pierce hurt his leg. Britta made Troy cry. 231 00:11:39,265 --> 00:11:41,324 What's my destiny? Am I gonna die in a car? 232 00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:45,163 Is it going to happen soon? Shirley, I'm just an entertainer. 233 00:11:45,371 --> 00:11:47,202 But if it will make you feel better, 234 00:11:47,406 --> 00:11:49,567 here, let me show you what I'm working on. 235 00:11:53,312 --> 00:11:55,610 Were... No. Were... 236 00:11:56,082 --> 00:11:58,277 Is that me being chased down by a werewolf? 237 00:11:58,484 --> 00:12:00,884 Yeah, that's how you'd behave in that situation. No? 238 00:12:01,087 --> 00:12:03,351 The situation being me being chased down by a werewolf. 239 00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:04,853 Mm-hm. 240 00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:12,197 And that's Jeff locking lips with Annie? 241 00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:15,299 Mm-hm. Yeah. You're a fool. 242 00:12:15,501 --> 00:12:18,993 Stanford students were divided into prisoners and guards. 243 00:12:19,205 --> 00:12:20,229 The guards immediately started to abuse... 244 00:12:20,439 --> 00:12:21,406 Ugh! 245 00:12:21,607 --> 00:12:25,338 What's wrong? I have this pain above my eyebrow. 246 00:12:25,544 --> 00:12:28,240 It's a stress headache. I got my first one when I was 4. 247 00:12:28,447 --> 00:12:29,539 I hate it. 248 00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:32,479 Well, get to used to it. You're knee-deep in it, brother. 249 00:12:32,685 --> 00:12:33,674 This is debate. 250 00:12:33,886 --> 00:12:36,286 If you want to win, you need to prepare. 251 00:12:36,489 --> 00:12:37,478 Well, agreed. 252 00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:40,989 But if you want to win, you need to loosen up. 253 00:12:41,193 --> 00:12:43,957 Go off-book, robot debater. 254 00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,425 Oh, my gosh. 255 00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:49,190 You're right. 256 00:12:50,169 --> 00:12:53,400 Simmons is so good at using his inherent magnetism 257 00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:57,508 to sell his points and here I am, like a spinster librarian 258 00:12:57,710 --> 00:12:58,972 with my hair pulled back. 259 00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:00,977 Yeah. 260 00:13:09,655 --> 00:13:12,249 What do you think? Yeah. 261 00:13:13,592 --> 00:13:15,355 Thanks. 262 00:13:16,128 --> 00:13:18,358 Be careful. Abed thinks you two are going to kiss. 263 00:13:18,998 --> 00:13:21,364 Ha-ha-ha! Ridiculous. 264 00:13:22,001 --> 00:13:23,866 Us kissing. 265 00:13:24,069 --> 00:13:26,003 That is ridiculous. Totally. 266 00:13:31,977 --> 00:13:33,706 We should get back to work. Yes. 267 00:13:33,913 --> 00:13:37,872 Okay. The... People are inherently evil. 268 00:13:38,083 --> 00:13:40,881 Oh, we can use this Hobbes quote. 269 00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:44,985 "Man is a collection of base, animal urges." 270 00:13:45,191 --> 00:13:47,853 To act on them and experience sinful pleasure 271 00:13:48,060 --> 00:13:51,826 "would be morally no different than taking a breath." 272 00:13:53,532 --> 00:13:55,500 That's poignant, right? Yeah. 273 00:13:55,701 --> 00:13:57,931 You know, maybe we should study alone. 274 00:13:58,137 --> 00:13:59,798 Yeah. Uh-huh. Separately. 275 00:14:00,005 --> 00:14:02,974 That way we can be more reproductive... Productive. 276 00:14:04,543 --> 00:14:06,067 Bye. Bye. 277 00:14:11,050 --> 00:14:13,951 Oh, you forgot your phone. Oh, I can get another one. 278 00:14:15,254 --> 00:14:17,984 The next time you even see a cigarette, 279 00:14:18,190 --> 00:14:20,750 you will think of things that disgust you. 280 00:14:25,998 --> 00:14:29,399 And while you're under so deep, 281 00:14:29,835 --> 00:14:33,601 you'll find yourself attracted to slightly older men. 282 00:14:34,273 --> 00:14:39,973 Perhaps some barrel-chested stud with just enough, heh, tummy to love. 283 00:14:40,179 --> 00:14:41,976 You'll want to buy him dinner. 284 00:14:42,181 --> 00:14:43,944 Then go back to his hot tub. 285 00:14:44,149 --> 00:14:47,118 You'll invite one of your friends to join us for a three-way. 286 00:14:47,319 --> 00:14:51,415 Maybe someone with low self-esteem and slightly larger breasts. 287 00:14:52,625 --> 00:14:54,786 Go to hell, you disgusting pig. 288 00:14:54,994 --> 00:14:56,052 A-ha! 289 00:14:56,262 --> 00:14:58,253 Pierce, I was awake the whole time. I was faking it. 290 00:14:58,464 --> 00:15:00,591 I know. I saw you. 291 00:15:00,799 --> 00:15:03,063 What do you think I am? Some joke? No. 292 00:15:03,269 --> 00:15:06,238 No, I was trying to make you feel better about yourself. 293 00:15:06,438 --> 00:15:09,032 How dare you pity me. 294 00:15:10,209 --> 00:15:12,336 I may be a little older, 295 00:15:12,544 --> 00:15:16,537 my ideas may seem weird, my fashion sense may cause envy, 296 00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:21,584 but I have a lot to offer and I will not to be pitied. 297 00:15:28,794 --> 00:15:30,284 Do not help me up. 298 00:15:31,797 --> 00:15:35,961 And as German poet Franz Wickmeyer once wrote: 299 00:15:38,037 --> 00:15:41,029 "Snow falls from the heavens pure. 300 00:15:42,408 --> 00:15:46,845 We cannot blame the snow for being soiled by the Earth." 301 00:15:51,483 --> 00:15:53,576 Man is good. 302 00:15:58,691 --> 00:16:00,318 What? That dude gets it. 303 00:16:00,926 --> 00:16:03,360 Jeff Winger will now offer a two-minute rebuttal. 304 00:16:06,999 --> 00:16:08,330 Hey, sizzle. 305 00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:11,526 What are you going to sing tonight? I'm in the mood for Sade. 306 00:16:16,675 --> 00:16:20,771 In the Stanford Prison Experiment, 21 out of 21 students, 307 00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:25,679 when given absolute power, abused and tortured their fellow students. 308 00:16:25,884 --> 00:16:29,843 My competitor likened people to pure, falling snow. 309 00:16:30,055 --> 00:16:35,721 I would respond, "There is none righteous, no, not one." 310 00:16:35,928 --> 00:16:40,365 Now, I realize Mr. Simmons' quote was from the great Franz Wickmeyer. 311 00:16:40,566 --> 00:16:44,400 Mine was just from a simple desert handyman 312 00:16:44,603 --> 00:16:45,797 named Jesus. 313 00:16:49,575 --> 00:16:51,065 Oh, that's nice. 314 00:16:51,577 --> 00:16:55,673 Survival of the fittest wires an impulse to eliminate people into our hearts. 315 00:16:55,881 --> 00:16:58,475 Counter point. Mother Teresa, Joan of Arc. 316 00:16:58,684 --> 00:17:00,208 Rebuttal. Nuclear bombs. 317 00:17:00,419 --> 00:17:02,410 Nuclear families. Abu Ghraib. 318 00:17:02,621 --> 00:17:04,748 Apu from The Simpsons. Double rejoinder. 319 00:17:04,957 --> 00:17:06,584 Telemarketers. Organ donors. 320 00:17:06,792 --> 00:17:08,157 Hate crimes. Executions. 321 00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:09,725 Ketchup is a vegetable. 322 00:17:09,928 --> 00:17:12,021 Wow. This is a real barn-burner. 323 00:17:12,231 --> 00:17:13,858 Oh, God, did I just say cross-burner? 324 00:17:14,066 --> 00:17:16,091 No, you did not. Oh, good. 325 00:17:16,301 --> 00:17:17,427 We make an amazing team. 326 00:17:17,636 --> 00:17:20,628 I know, we're so in sync, we're like a perfect duet or great se... 327 00:17:20,839 --> 00:17:23,672 Hey, Professor Whitman. Your preparation was impeccable. 328 00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:27,334 You remind me of a young me with slightly worse hair. 329 00:17:27,546 --> 00:17:28,979 I just checked with the judges. 330 00:17:29,181 --> 00:17:31,308 They'll need a miracle to win in rebuttal. 331 00:17:31,517 --> 00:17:33,712 Simmons is finished. 332 00:17:34,453 --> 00:17:36,478 This is too much for me. 333 00:17:38,557 --> 00:17:39,546 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 334 00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:42,520 He's going off-book. 335 00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:46,387 Why is he ripping the cards, doesn't he need the cards? 336 00:17:46,598 --> 00:17:47,963 It's a gambit. 337 00:18:27,039 --> 00:18:31,601 He hates me, yet he caught me. 338 00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:35,275 Man is good. 339 00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:52,120 Abed. Abed. 340 00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:57,768 He was horny, so he dropped him. 341 00:19:01,673 --> 00:19:04,767 Man is evil. 342 00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:11,343 Greendale wins. 343 00:19:13,919 --> 00:19:15,648 Huzzah! 344 00:19:17,422 --> 00:19:18,684 Eat that, Simmons. 345 00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:23,419 God. 346 00:19:23,729 --> 00:19:26,095 That off-book enough for you? 347 00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:32,834 Simmons got robbed. 348 00:19:33,038 --> 00:19:35,404 They kissed. You do have powers. 349 00:19:35,607 --> 00:19:36,904 I'm going to die by werewolf. 350 00:19:37,109 --> 00:19:39,043 Shirley, I don't have powers. Trust me. 351 00:19:39,244 --> 00:19:42,236 In my next film, we discover Pierce is an actual genius. 352 00:19:42,447 --> 00:19:44,472 That's not gonna happen. No, it's not. 353 00:19:44,683 --> 00:19:46,810 Pierce, I can't smoke a cigarette 354 00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:49,317 without thinking of a three-way in your hot tub. 355 00:19:49,521 --> 00:19:51,682 You did it. Yes. 356 00:19:51,890 --> 00:19:53,915 I did? You're a genius. 357 00:19:54,126 --> 00:19:55,855 Who's the third? 358 00:19:57,696 --> 00:19:59,323 You did great in there. 359 00:19:59,531 --> 00:20:01,465 Let's take this bacchanalia outside. 360 00:20:01,667 --> 00:20:03,567 Full moon tonight. 361 00:20:06,271 --> 00:20:08,432 Shirley. Shirley. 362 00:20:09,975 --> 00:20:12,443 Well, I'm going this way, so... 363 00:20:12,644 --> 00:20:15,613 Well, congratulations, 364 00:20:15,814 --> 00:20:16,974 buddy. 365 00:20:17,182 --> 00:20:18,308 Thanks, 366 00:20:18,517 --> 00:20:20,212 pal. 367 00:20:25,691 --> 00:20:27,454 Just pat me. 368 00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:52,479 Cut. Cut, let me ask you a question. Do you hate this? 369 00:20:52,684 --> 00:20:54,083 Do you hate doing this? 370 00:20:54,286 --> 00:20:55,378 Do you? 371 00:20:55,587 --> 00:20:57,646 Can I talk to you for a second? Just hold on. 372 00:21:05,664 --> 00:21:07,393 Just have fun with it. 373 00:21:08,734 --> 00:21:09,792 Take 36.