1
00:00:02,068 --> 00:00:03,865
So then the guy says
to the housekeeper:
2
00:00:04,070 --> 00:00:07,335
"Make sure she's dead."
Stop me if you've heard this before.
3
00:00:07,540 --> 00:00:09,440
Would've been nice
27 minutes ago.
4
00:00:09,642 --> 00:00:13,078
The housekeeper says to the guy,
"We don't have a pool."
5
00:00:13,279 --> 00:00:14,371
[LAUGHING]
6
00:00:14,581 --> 00:00:15,570
And the guy says...
7
00:00:15,782 --> 00:00:17,147
PELTON [OVER PA]:
Good morning, Greendale.
8
00:00:17,350 --> 00:00:19,648
Just a reminder,
our debate team will bring home
9
00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:22,083
the championship tomorrow
versus City College.
10
00:00:22,655 --> 00:00:23,917
Go, Human Beings.
11
00:00:24,124 --> 00:00:27,184
Great, now I gotta start
the whole joke over again.
12
00:00:27,660 --> 00:00:30,060
Okay, so this...
No! I've got one for you.
13
00:00:30,263 --> 00:00:32,925
A doddering old fool
walks into a bar,
14
00:00:33,133 --> 00:00:36,466
tells a stupid joke, and I crush his
windpipe with my three-ringed binder.
15
00:00:36,669 --> 00:00:38,136
[SHIRLEY CHUCKLES]
16
00:00:38,338 --> 00:00:40,431
I don't get it.
Britta's trying to give up cigarettes.
17
00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:41,937
BRITTA:
Don't tell them my business.
18
00:00:42,142 --> 00:00:45,339
I'll slap that look
off your pointy face.
19
00:00:45,545 --> 00:00:50,608
Britta, I'm saying this because I care
about you and you're my friend.
20
00:00:50,817 --> 00:00:52,284
You need to start smoking again.
21
00:00:52,485 --> 00:00:53,884
SHIRLEY:
I really think you should.
22
00:00:54,087 --> 00:00:57,022
You lose weight and your skin
looks great when you smoke.
23
00:00:57,223 --> 00:00:59,783
Guys, I appreciate your support,
but I've got to quit.
24
00:00:59,993 --> 00:01:01,688
Have you thought
about hypnotherapy?
25
00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:04,386
I know a hypnotherapist.
Ten-to-one says it's him.
26
00:01:04,597 --> 00:01:07,794
His name is Pierce Hawthorne.
And I'm very effective.
27
00:01:08,001 --> 00:01:11,596
Can you help me block out people's
voices I find extremely annoying?
28
00:01:11,805 --> 00:01:13,534
Jeff, she's right there.
29
00:01:13,740 --> 00:01:15,230
Pierce,
30
00:01:15,442 --> 00:01:17,376
I would be grateful for your help.
31
00:01:17,577 --> 00:01:20,273
You would? Super. I'll set it up.
32
00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:21,970
[WHISPERING]
What? I feel bad for him.
33
00:01:22,182 --> 00:01:23,581
Plus, I just yelled at him.
34
00:01:23,783 --> 00:01:25,114
You yelled at me too.
Oh.
35
00:01:25,318 --> 00:01:26,979
Did I hurt your feelings,
pointy face?
36
00:01:27,187 --> 00:01:28,779
Wow. Wow.
37
00:01:28,988 --> 00:01:31,582
Have you seen
the film department's website?
38
00:01:31,791 --> 00:01:33,588
What do you think?
39
00:01:34,127 --> 00:01:36,755
All of Abed's films are about us.
What?
40
00:01:36,963 --> 00:01:38,430
TROY:
Check it out.
41
00:01:38,631 --> 00:01:39,962
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS]
42
00:01:40,166 --> 00:01:41,155
What else is new?
43
00:01:41,367 --> 00:01:42,459
ALL:
Jeff.
44
00:01:42,669 --> 00:01:43,636
Hola.
45
00:01:43,837 --> 00:01:46,567
Jeff, stop being so relaxed.
We need to talk to you about...
46
00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:50,231
You're living out of your car. Why on
earth are you living out of your car?
47
00:01:50,443 --> 00:01:52,570
Those people look just like us.
That's eerie.
48
00:01:52,779 --> 00:01:56,010
Fine, it's true.
I'm living out of my car.
49
00:01:56,382 --> 00:01:57,576
And I don't want anyone's help.
50
00:01:57,784 --> 00:01:58,978
[MUSIC PLAYING ON VIDEO]
51
00:01:59,185 --> 00:02:01,745
We had almost that
exact conversation last week.
52
00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:04,788
Yeah, but Abed posted
this video two weeks ago.
53
00:02:04,991 --> 00:02:05,980
[GASPS]
54
00:02:06,192 --> 00:02:07,352
That boy is a soothsayer.
55
00:02:09,696 --> 00:02:12,665
This is wrinkling my brain.
This is wrinkling my brain.
56
00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:14,333
That's wrinkling my brain.
57
00:02:14,534 --> 00:02:16,126
Get a load of these wrinkles.
58
00:02:16,369 --> 00:02:19,497
Heh, heh. Who's that old guy?
Hi. I'm Pierce Hawthorne.
59
00:02:19,706 --> 00:02:20,866
Oh, come on.
60
00:02:21,074 --> 00:02:23,042
[THE 88'S "AT LEAST
IT WAS HERE" PLAYS]
61
00:02:27,914 --> 00:02:30,007
There he is.
Oh. Mr. Winger. Hold on.
62
00:02:30,216 --> 00:02:32,776
Did you to hear my announcement?
I hang on every word.
63
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:34,749
I assume that's sarcasm.
Correct.
64
00:02:34,954 --> 00:02:36,751
You didn't hear?
I'm barely listening now.
65
00:02:36,956 --> 00:02:37,945
Oh, okay.
66
00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:41,355
My debate partner dropped out.
We need you for the championship.
67
00:02:41,561 --> 00:02:44,621
Jeffrey, as debate coach,
I'm offering you an opportunity
68
00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:47,197
to spend a night
drinking from the cup of life
69
00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:49,994
rather than romancing your nether
regions in front of the E! Channel.
70
00:02:50,203 --> 00:02:54,003
Come on, Jeff, who better than
a former lawyer to really stick it
71
00:02:54,207 --> 00:02:57,665
to those City College snobs
and their star debater, Simmons?
72
00:02:57,877 --> 00:03:00,209
Mmm. Pass.
73
00:03:00,747 --> 00:03:02,044
Okay, no, no, no. Wait.
74
00:03:02,248 --> 00:03:03,374
Okay, no, no, no. Look.
75
00:03:03,583 --> 00:03:04,572
Listen, jerk wad.
76
00:03:04,784 --> 00:03:06,945
I'm sorry, that got heated.
77
00:03:07,153 --> 00:03:08,586
Greendale needs a win.
78
00:03:08,788 --> 00:03:11,348
The best compliment
our sports program gets
79
00:03:11,558 --> 00:03:13,583
is that our basketball team
is really gay.
80
00:03:13,793 --> 00:03:15,454
So, what's it gonna take?
81
00:03:15,662 --> 00:03:18,859
A plum parking space? Free meals?
82
00:03:19,065 --> 00:03:23,900
A night of companionship,
if you know what I mean?
83
00:03:24,771 --> 00:03:26,671
I'll do it for the parking space.
84
00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:28,841
And if you promise not to
tell me what you mean.
85
00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:30,009
[###]
86
00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:31,268
All right. Yeah.
87
00:03:31,811 --> 00:03:34,609
Pierce, thank you.
I really appreciate you helping me out.
88
00:03:34,814 --> 00:03:36,304
And I appreciate the opportunity.
89
00:03:36,516 --> 00:03:39,349
You know, sometimes I think
people don't take me seriously.
90
00:03:39,552 --> 00:03:40,541
BRITTA:
What are you gonna do?
91
00:03:40,753 --> 00:03:42,618
Wave a pocket watch
in front of my face
92
00:03:42,822 --> 00:03:45,086
and tell me
I'm getting very sleepy.
93
00:03:45,325 --> 00:03:46,349
[CHUCKLES]
94
00:03:46,559 --> 00:03:48,618
Just checking the time.
95
00:03:48,962 --> 00:03:52,693
Now close your eyes
and keep them closed at all times.
96
00:03:53,166 --> 00:03:56,761
And listen to the soothing
sound of my voice.
97
00:03:56,970 --> 00:03:59,598
The only word that
will bring you out is
98
00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:02,374
"gorilla."
99
00:04:02,575 --> 00:04:06,341
Okay, now, focus on the rhythm
of your own breathing.
100
00:04:06,546 --> 00:04:07,570
[###]
101
00:04:07,780 --> 00:04:10,271
And when you feel the desire
to light up a cigarette
102
00:04:10,483 --> 00:04:14,044
you will associate these urges with
things in your life that disgust you.
103
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:15,881
Bad tasting food,
104
00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:17,317
sex with men,
105
00:04:17,523 --> 00:04:19,081
wearing attractive clothing.
106
00:04:20,326 --> 00:04:21,793
[CLATTERING]
107
00:04:22,428 --> 00:04:24,828
Oh, God, I think I really hurt myself.
108
00:04:25,031 --> 00:04:26,498
Somebody help me.
109
00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:28,423
Oh! Britta, wake up.
110
00:04:28,635 --> 00:04:31,069
Why did I put you under so well?
111
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:33,603
Damn my talents. Aah!
112
00:04:33,806 --> 00:04:37,173
The topic for the debate is,
"Are people inherently good or evil?"
113
00:04:37,377 --> 00:04:39,504
When do you want to
get together to strategize?
114
00:04:39,712 --> 00:04:41,179
Annie, I was a lawyer.
115
00:04:41,381 --> 00:04:42,814
I was a debater for money.
116
00:04:43,016 --> 00:04:45,211
I think I can handle this.
117
00:04:46,786 --> 00:04:47,844
So how was hypnotherapy?
118
00:04:48,054 --> 00:04:53,014
He fell down while I laid there to make
him feel like a good hypnotherapist.
119
00:04:53,226 --> 00:04:55,694
You realize this will never end.
It's already done.
120
00:04:55,895 --> 00:04:57,362
He just wants one more session.
121
00:04:57,563 --> 00:04:59,190
[SINGS]
♪ Wah-waah! ♪
122
00:04:59,532 --> 00:05:01,500
TROY: Where's Abed?
I need to talk to him about his films.
123
00:05:01,701 --> 00:05:04,829
That boy is flat-out prescient.
He can read our minds.
124
00:05:05,638 --> 00:05:06,832
[BOTH GASP]
125
00:05:08,007 --> 00:05:09,634
I know. You watched my movies.
126
00:05:09,842 --> 00:05:11,207
He's a witch.
Get him.
127
00:05:11,411 --> 00:05:13,641
I'm not a witch.
I'm a student of human character.
128
00:05:13,846 --> 00:05:16,644
I know you guys all so well
I can predict your behavior.
129
00:05:16,849 --> 00:05:21,115
Like, Shirley, I know you're a sweet,
Christian, generous person.
130
00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:23,846
Oh, that's nice.
Oh, that's nice.
131
00:05:24,057 --> 00:05:25,354
I know you have rage issues.
132
00:05:25,558 --> 00:05:27,389
Careful, boy. Oh!
Careful, boy.
133
00:05:27,827 --> 00:05:30,557
Here, check this out. May I? Okay.
Yeah.
134
00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:33,693
Jeff acts like nothing affects him,
135
00:05:33,900 --> 00:05:36,130
but things bother him more
than he lets on.
136
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:38,497
Hey, I'm top of the class.
137
00:05:38,705 --> 00:05:39,672
[SCREAMING]
138
00:05:40,039 --> 00:05:41,870
He's also very vain.
139
00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:43,969
Pfft! Ridiculous.
140
00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:45,838
ALL:
Ohh.
141
00:05:47,313 --> 00:05:50,908
Why am I crying? Will I listen
to "Come Sail Away" by Styx again?
142
00:05:51,117 --> 00:05:54,553
Don't worry, Troy, it's just a movie.
I can't predict the future.
143
00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:56,852
I hurt my leg. Ah!
144
00:05:57,056 --> 00:05:58,648
[###]
145
00:05:58,858 --> 00:06:01,122
What up, happy people?
146
00:06:01,327 --> 00:06:03,488
You tell me my future
right now, evil wizard.
147
00:06:03,696 --> 00:06:06,756
By the way, I think your shirt's
trying to get out of your pants.
148
00:06:08,468 --> 00:06:12,996
As Golding's Lord of the Flies
demonstrates, man,
149
00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:16,039
when left to his own devices,
will descend
150
00:06:16,242 --> 00:06:19,769
into chaos and evil.
151
00:06:26,786 --> 00:06:30,950
And now, from City College,
Jeremy Simmons.
152
00:06:33,659 --> 00:06:36,423
STUDENTS [CHANTING]:
Jeremy. Jeremy.
153
00:06:36,629 --> 00:06:38,756
Jeremy. Jeremy.
154
00:06:43,102 --> 00:06:46,094
There were 23,000
155
00:06:47,006 --> 00:06:50,100
kidney donations
in America last year.
156
00:06:50,676 --> 00:06:52,041
Man is good.
157
00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:57,808
The average life expectancy
for a man in a community
158
00:06:58,317 --> 00:07:02,481
is 23 years longer
than a man alone.
159
00:07:02,688 --> 00:07:04,656
Man is good.
160
00:07:04,857 --> 00:07:09,385
And just 10 minutes ago,
a bald, bespectacled man
161
00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:12,621
held the door
for a man in a wheelchair.
162
00:07:12,832 --> 00:07:14,231
Man is good.
163
00:07:15,868 --> 00:07:18,428
Oh. Heh, heh. I hate this guy.
164
00:07:18,638 --> 00:07:20,799
By the end of this debate
165
00:07:21,007 --> 00:07:25,034
I will prove with facts and data
166
00:07:25,244 --> 00:07:28,941
that man is inherently good.
167
00:07:31,651 --> 00:07:34,449
Little trick for achieving
the proper competitive mind set.
168
00:07:34,654 --> 00:07:36,485
I always envision my opponent
169
00:07:36,689 --> 00:07:38,987
having aggressive sex
with my mother.
170
00:07:48,201 --> 00:07:50,169
JEFF:
This feels so formal.
171
00:07:51,370 --> 00:07:53,065
Let's just talk.
172
00:07:53,639 --> 00:07:56,164
People are evil. They can't help it.
173
00:07:57,243 --> 00:07:59,177
I didn't catch your name.
174
00:07:59,879 --> 00:08:01,744
It's Jean.
Take Jean here.
175
00:08:01,948 --> 00:08:05,884
She spent a lot of time this morning
making herself look so lovely.
176
00:08:07,053 --> 00:08:10,511
Tell me, how many people bothered
to tell you how great you look today?
177
00:08:11,290 --> 00:08:12,655
None.
Man is evil.
178
00:08:12,859 --> 00:08:15,157
JEAN:
But you just said how great I looked.
179
00:08:15,361 --> 00:08:17,921
For my own selfish purposes.
180
00:08:18,130 --> 00:08:21,361
The fact is, as hot as you look
181
00:08:21,567 --> 00:08:25,901
and it is quite hot,
I wouldn't have said anything.
182
00:08:26,105 --> 00:08:28,130
When I talk about
people being evil,
183
00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:30,434
I could cite quotes,
or dig up statistics,
184
00:08:30,643 --> 00:08:32,804
but those are
just words and numbers.
185
00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:36,846
I think we could have
a little more fun
186
00:08:37,049 --> 00:08:40,712
if I express myself in song.
187
00:08:41,287 --> 00:08:44,586
ALL [SINGING]:
♪ Evil woman ♪
188
00:08:45,124 --> 00:08:48,355
♪ Evil woman ♪♪
189
00:08:49,962 --> 00:08:51,554
That's my time, everybody.
190
00:08:51,764 --> 00:08:53,561
Thank you very much. Yeah.
191
00:08:53,766 --> 00:08:55,529
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
192
00:08:56,636 --> 00:08:58,797
At the end of round one.
193
00:08:59,005 --> 00:09:01,769
City College, 50.
194
00:09:03,709 --> 00:09:06,041
Greendale, eight.
195
00:09:06,312 --> 00:09:07,779
[###]
196
00:09:09,582 --> 00:09:11,482
JEFF:
I got eight?
197
00:09:13,286 --> 00:09:14,776
I only got eight?
She got eight.
198
00:09:14,987 --> 00:09:18,286
You got zero.
It's debate, not American Idol.
199
00:09:21,661 --> 00:09:23,424
Nice work, L.A. Law.
200
00:09:23,629 --> 00:09:26,029
All sizzle, no steak.
201
00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:28,723
I don't care, dude.
I'm doing this for a parking space.
202
00:09:28,935 --> 00:09:30,562
MAN:
Let's go, boys. Come on, let's go.
203
00:09:30,770 --> 00:09:33,102
I wanna see some hustlers
out there. Let's go.
204
00:09:33,306 --> 00:09:35,968
By Zeus.
What sort of jackassery is this?
205
00:09:36,175 --> 00:09:38,075
We're in the middle of a debate.
206
00:09:38,277 --> 00:09:41,075
We reserved the gym
for practice so...
207
00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:42,338
Yup, they reserved it.
208
00:09:42,548 --> 00:09:45,210
Okay, they got us by the short ones.
209
00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:47,943
The debate is suspended
until tomorrow.
210
00:09:48,154 --> 00:09:50,918
Hopefully, by then we can
get our act together.
211
00:09:52,291 --> 00:09:55,158
COACH:
Oh, great try, Bruce. Great try.
212
00:09:57,663 --> 00:10:00,063
ANNIE: When are we getting
together to prepare for tomorrow?
213
00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:02,393
Never. Because it's stupid
and I don't care.
214
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:04,399
Bite me.
215
00:10:05,972 --> 00:10:09,305
Maybe Simmons is right.
You really are all sizzle and no steak.
216
00:10:09,508 --> 00:10:12,739
You probably couldn't beat him.
What do you mean, I can't beat him?
217
00:10:12,945 --> 00:10:16,711
You and I are going to study harder
and beat City College tomorrow.
218
00:10:16,916 --> 00:10:17,940
Really?
No.
219
00:10:18,150 --> 00:10:20,345
Who am I, iCarly?
220
00:10:20,553 --> 00:10:23,750
Abed is right, you act like things
don't bother you, but they do.
221
00:10:23,956 --> 00:10:27,016
Look, six months ago
I was a lawyer. I wore suits.
222
00:10:27,226 --> 00:10:30,161
I used to say stuff
like "objection" and "sidebar."
223
00:10:30,363 --> 00:10:32,661
Now I'm losing
a community college debate
224
00:10:32,865 --> 00:10:34,799
to Jeremy "Soul Patch" Simmons.
225
00:10:35,001 --> 00:10:36,298
Hey, Winger.
226
00:10:37,269 --> 00:10:38,793
You like to sing?
227
00:10:39,005 --> 00:10:41,371
I like to sing too.
228
00:10:41,574 --> 00:10:44,975
[SINGING] ♪ Zero for Winger ♪
229
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:46,634
Kick that.
230
00:10:46,846 --> 00:10:49,508
♪ Was a big shot lawyer ♪
231
00:10:51,150 --> 00:10:56,986
♪ Now he's a loser ♪♪
232
00:10:57,189 --> 00:10:59,623
Lay off, Simmons.
Jeff didn't understand the rules.
233
00:10:59,825 --> 00:11:01,383
Yeah?
234
00:11:01,594 --> 00:11:05,325
What's your excuse, eight points?
Dude, leave her out of this.
235
00:11:05,531 --> 00:11:11,470
[SINGING] ♪ Little Annie Adderall
Was an outcast in high school ♪♪
236
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:14,834
That's it. Dude, we are gonna
debate the living crap out of you.
237
00:11:16,842 --> 00:11:18,867
We've got some preparing to do.
238
00:11:19,078 --> 00:11:20,477
I liked you better smoking.
239
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,045
I'm so sorry.
No.
240
00:11:22,248 --> 00:11:24,876
You're right,
my feet are long and stupid.
241
00:11:25,317 --> 00:11:26,750
You can't unring that bell.
242
00:11:26,952 --> 00:11:27,976
[###]
243
00:11:28,187 --> 00:11:29,848
Oh, no.
244
00:11:30,923 --> 00:11:33,289
That's my newspaper.
What do you need a paper for?
245
00:11:33,492 --> 00:11:35,892
You knew what was gonna happen,
you Magic Eight Ball.
246
00:11:36,095 --> 00:11:38,325
Pierce hurt his leg.
Britta made Troy cry.
247
00:11:39,265 --> 00:11:41,324
What's my destiny?
Am I gonna die in a car?
248
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:45,163
Is it going to happen soon?
Shirley, I'm just an entertainer.
249
00:11:45,371 --> 00:11:47,202
But if it will make you feel better,
250
00:11:47,406 --> 00:11:49,567
here, let me show you
what I'm working on.
251
00:11:51,343 --> 00:11:53,106
[WEREWOLF GROWLING]
[ABED'S SHIRLEY SCREAMING]
252
00:11:53,312 --> 00:11:55,610
Were... No. Were...
253
00:11:56,082 --> 00:11:58,277
Is that me being
chased down by a werewolf?
254
00:11:58,484 --> 00:12:00,884
Yeah, that's how you'd behave
in that situation. No?
255
00:12:01,087 --> 00:12:03,351
The situation being me
being chased down by a werewolf.
256
00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:04,853
Mm-hm.
257
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:12,197
And that's Jeff
locking lips with Annie?
258
00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:15,299
Mm-hm. Yeah.
You're a fool.
259
00:12:15,501 --> 00:12:18,993
Stanford students were divided
into prisoners and guards.
260
00:12:19,205 --> 00:12:20,229
The guards immediately
started to abuse...
261
00:12:20,439 --> 00:12:21,406
Ugh!
262
00:12:21,607 --> 00:12:25,338
What's wrong?
I have this pain above my eyebrow.
263
00:12:25,544 --> 00:12:28,240
It's a stress headache.
I got my first one when I was 4.
264
00:12:28,447 --> 00:12:29,539
I hate it.
265
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:32,479
Well, get to used to it.
You're knee-deep in it, brother.
266
00:12:32,685 --> 00:12:33,674
This is debate.
267
00:12:33,886 --> 00:12:36,286
If you want to win,
you need to prepare.
268
00:12:36,489 --> 00:12:37,478
Well, agreed.
269
00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:40,989
But if you want to win,
you need to loosen up.
270
00:12:41,193 --> 00:12:43,957
Go off-book, robot debater.
271
00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,425
Oh, my gosh.
272
00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:49,190
You're right.
273
00:12:50,169 --> 00:12:53,400
Simmons is so good at
using his inherent magnetism
274
00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:57,508
to sell his points and here I am,
like a spinster librarian
275
00:12:57,710 --> 00:12:58,972
with my hair pulled back.
276
00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:00,977
Yeah.
277
00:13:02,148 --> 00:13:03,342
[###]
278
00:13:09,655 --> 00:13:12,249
What do you think?
Yeah.
279
00:13:13,592 --> 00:13:15,355
Thanks.
280
00:13:16,128 --> 00:13:18,358
Be careful. Abed thinks
you two are going to kiss.
281
00:13:18,998 --> 00:13:21,364
Ha-ha-ha! Ridiculous.
282
00:13:22,001 --> 00:13:23,866
Us kissing.
283
00:13:24,069 --> 00:13:26,003
That is ridiculous.
Totally.
284
00:13:26,338 --> 00:13:27,737
[ANNIE CHUCKLES]
285
00:13:31,977 --> 00:13:33,706
We should get back to work.
Yes.
286
00:13:33,913 --> 00:13:37,872
Okay. The...
People are inherently evil.
287
00:13:38,083 --> 00:13:40,881
Oh, we can use this Hobbes quote.
288
00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:44,985
"Man is a collection
of base, animal urges."
289
00:13:45,191 --> 00:13:47,853
To act on them
and experience sinful pleasure
290
00:13:48,060 --> 00:13:51,826
"would be morally no different
than taking a breath."
291
00:13:53,532 --> 00:13:55,500
That's poignant, right?
Yeah.
292
00:13:55,701 --> 00:13:57,931
You know,
maybe we should study alone.
293
00:13:58,137 --> 00:13:59,798
Yeah. Uh-huh.
Separately.
294
00:14:00,005 --> 00:14:02,974
That way we can be more
reproductive... Productive.
295
00:14:03,309 --> 00:14:04,333
[###]
296
00:14:04,543 --> 00:14:06,067
Bye.
Bye.
297
00:14:11,050 --> 00:14:13,951
Oh, you forgot your phone.
Oh, I can get another one.
298
00:14:15,254 --> 00:14:17,984
The next time you
even see a cigarette,
299
00:14:18,190 --> 00:14:20,750
you will think of things
that disgust you.
300
00:14:25,998 --> 00:14:29,399
And while you're under so deep,
301
00:14:29,835 --> 00:14:33,601
you'll find yourself attracted
to slightly older men.
302
00:14:34,273 --> 00:14:39,973
Perhaps some barrel-chested stud
with just enough, heh, tummy to love.
303
00:14:40,179 --> 00:14:41,976
You'll want to buy him dinner.
304
00:14:42,181 --> 00:14:43,944
Then go back to his hot tub.
305
00:14:44,149 --> 00:14:47,118
You'll invite one of your friends
to join us for a three-way.
306
00:14:47,319 --> 00:14:51,415
Maybe someone with low self-esteem
and slightly larger breasts.
307
00:14:52,625 --> 00:14:54,786
Go to hell, you disgusting pig.
308
00:14:54,994 --> 00:14:56,052
A-ha!
309
00:14:56,262 --> 00:14:58,253
Pierce, I was awake the whole time.
I was faking it.
310
00:14:58,464 --> 00:15:00,591
I know. I saw you.
311
00:15:00,799 --> 00:15:03,063
What do you think I am? Some joke?
No.
312
00:15:03,269 --> 00:15:06,238
No, I was trying to make you
feel better about yourself.
313
00:15:06,438 --> 00:15:09,032
How dare you pity me.
314
00:15:10,209 --> 00:15:12,336
I may be a little older,
315
00:15:12,544 --> 00:15:16,537
my ideas may seem weird,
my fashion sense may cause envy,
316
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:21,584
but I have a lot to offer
and I will not to be pitied.
317
00:15:28,794 --> 00:15:30,284
Do not help me up.
318
00:15:31,797 --> 00:15:35,961
And as German poet
Franz Wickmeyer once wrote:
319
00:15:38,037 --> 00:15:41,029
"Snow falls from the heavens pure.
320
00:15:42,408 --> 00:15:46,845
We cannot blame the snow
for being soiled by the Earth."
321
00:15:51,483 --> 00:15:53,576
[SNIFFLING] Man is good.
322
00:15:57,189 --> 00:15:58,486
[TROY CRYING]
323
00:15:58,691 --> 00:16:00,318
What? That dude gets it.
324
00:16:00,926 --> 00:16:03,360
Jeff Winger will now offer
a two-minute rebuttal.
325
00:16:06,999 --> 00:16:08,330
Hey, sizzle.
326
00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:11,526
What are you going to sing tonight?
I'm in the mood for Sade.
327
00:16:16,675 --> 00:16:20,771
In the Stanford Prison Experiment,
21 out of 21 students,
328
00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:25,679
when given absolute power, abused
and tortured their fellow students.
329
00:16:25,884 --> 00:16:29,843
My competitor likened people
to pure, falling snow.
330
00:16:30,055 --> 00:16:35,721
I would respond, "There is
none righteous, no, not one."
331
00:16:35,928 --> 00:16:40,365
Now, I realize Mr. Simmons' quote
was from the great Franz Wickmeyer.
332
00:16:40,566 --> 00:16:44,400
Mine was just from
a simple desert handyman
333
00:16:44,603 --> 00:16:45,797
named Jesus.
334
00:16:46,171 --> 00:16:47,763
[###]
335
00:16:49,575 --> 00:16:51,065
Oh, that's nice.
336
00:16:51,577 --> 00:16:55,673
Survival of the fittest wires an impulse
to eliminate people into our hearts.
337
00:16:55,881 --> 00:16:58,475
Counter point.
Mother Teresa, Joan of Arc.
338
00:16:58,684 --> 00:17:00,208
Rebuttal.
Nuclear bombs.
339
00:17:00,419 --> 00:17:02,410
Nuclear families.
Abu Ghraib.
340
00:17:02,621 --> 00:17:04,748
Apu from The Simpsons.
Double rejoinder.
341
00:17:04,957 --> 00:17:06,584
Telemarketers.
Organ donors.
342
00:17:06,792 --> 00:17:08,157
Hate crimes.
Executions.
343
00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:09,725
Ketchup is a vegetable.
344
00:17:09,928 --> 00:17:12,021
Wow. This is a real barn-burner.
345
00:17:12,231 --> 00:17:13,858
Oh, God, did I just
say cross-burner?
346
00:17:14,066 --> 00:17:16,091
No, you did not.
Oh, good.
347
00:17:16,301 --> 00:17:17,427
We make an amazing team.
348
00:17:17,636 --> 00:17:20,628
I know, we're so in sync,
we're like a perfect duet or great se...
349
00:17:20,839 --> 00:17:23,672
Hey, Professor Whitman.
Your preparation was impeccable.
350
00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:27,334
You remind me of a young me
with slightly worse hair.
351
00:17:27,546 --> 00:17:28,979
I just checked with the judges.
352
00:17:29,181 --> 00:17:31,308
They'll need a miracle
to win in rebuttal.
353
00:17:31,517 --> 00:17:33,712
Simmons is finished.
354
00:17:34,453 --> 00:17:36,478
This is too much for me.
355
00:17:38,557 --> 00:17:39,546
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
356
00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:42,520
He's going off-book.
357
00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:46,387
Why is he ripping the cards,
doesn't he need the cards?
358
00:17:46,598 --> 00:17:47,963
It's a gambit.
359
00:17:48,167 --> 00:17:49,896
[###]
360
00:18:21,300 --> 00:18:23,291
[ALL GASP]
[SIMMONS GRUNTS]
361
00:18:27,039 --> 00:18:31,601
He hates me, yet he caught me.
362
00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:35,275
Man is good.
363
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:52,120
Abed. Abed.
364
00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:57,768
He was horny, so he dropped him.
365
00:19:01,673 --> 00:19:04,767
Man is evil.
366
00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:06,945
[EDWARD SHARPE & THE MAGNETIC
ZEROS' "HOME" PLAYING]
367
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:11,343
Greendale wins.
368
00:19:13,919 --> 00:19:15,648
WHITMAN:
Huzzah!
369
00:19:17,422 --> 00:19:18,684
Eat that, Simmons.
370
00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:23,419
God.
371
00:19:23,729 --> 00:19:26,095
That off-book enough for you?
372
00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:32,834
Simmons got robbed.
373
00:19:33,038 --> 00:19:35,404
They kissed. You do have powers.
374
00:19:35,607 --> 00:19:36,904
I'm going to die by werewolf.
375
00:19:37,109 --> 00:19:39,043
Shirley, I don't have powers.
Trust me.
376
00:19:39,244 --> 00:19:42,236
In my next film, we discover
Pierce is an actual genius.
377
00:19:42,447 --> 00:19:44,472
That's not gonna happen.
No, it's not.
378
00:19:44,683 --> 00:19:46,810
Pierce, I can't smoke a cigarette
379
00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:49,317
without thinking of a three-way
in your hot tub.
380
00:19:49,521 --> 00:19:51,682
You did it.
Yes.
381
00:19:51,890 --> 00:19:53,915
I did?
You're a genius.
382
00:19:54,126 --> 00:19:55,855
Who's the third?
383
00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:57,493
[WHITMAN & PELTON LAUGHING]
384
00:19:57,696 --> 00:19:59,323
You did great in there.
385
00:19:59,531 --> 00:20:01,465
Let's take this bacchanalia outside.
386
00:20:01,667 --> 00:20:03,567
Full moon tonight.
387
00:20:06,271 --> 00:20:08,432
Shirley. Shirley.
388
00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:09,766
[###]
389
00:20:09,975 --> 00:20:12,443
Well, I'm going this way, so...
390
00:20:12,644 --> 00:20:15,613
Well, congratulations,
391
00:20:15,814 --> 00:20:16,974
buddy.
392
00:20:17,182 --> 00:20:18,308
Thanks,
393
00:20:18,517 --> 00:20:20,212
pal.
394
00:20:25,691 --> 00:20:27,454
Just pat me.
395
00:20:33,465 --> 00:20:35,092
[BEAT-BO XING]
396
00:20:38,470 --> 00:20:40,631
[BOTH RAPPING IN SPANISH]
397
00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:52,479
Cut. Cut, let me ask you a question.
Do you hate this?
398
00:20:52,684 --> 00:20:54,083
Do you hate doing this?
399
00:20:54,286 --> 00:20:55,378
Do you?
400
00:20:55,587 --> 00:20:57,646
Can I talk to you for a second?
Just hold on.
401
00:20:58,223 --> 00:20:59,952
[TROY & ABED WHISPERING
INDISTINCTLY]
402
00:21:05,664 --> 00:21:07,393
Just have fun with it.
403
00:21:08,734 --> 00:21:09,792
Take 36.