1 00:00:00,461 --> 00:00:03,401 Kids, there's more than one story of I met your mother. 2 00:00:03,590 --> 00:00:05,409 You know the short version, 3 00:00:05,410 --> 00:00:07,288 the thing with your mom's yellow umbrella. 4 00:00:07,289 --> 00:00:08,850 But there's a bigger story. 5 00:00:08,851 --> 00:00:10,981 The story of how I became who I had to become 6 00:00:10,982 --> 00:00:12,804 before I could meet her. 7 00:00:12,805 --> 00:00:15,414 And that story begins here. 8 00:00:15,415 --> 00:00:16,725 ...dary! 9 00:00:16,726 --> 00:00:18,287 Legendary! 10 00:00:18,288 --> 00:00:20,663 Dude, I am so excited that you're single again. 11 00:00:20,664 --> 00:00:23,136 We are going to conquer New York City. 12 00:00:23,137 --> 00:00:25,303 I already have a girl from work lined up for you. 13 00:00:25,304 --> 00:00:27,064 Right boob bigger than the left boob, 14 00:00:27,065 --> 00:00:28,952 which some choose to look at as bra half empty, 15 00:00:28,953 --> 00:00:31,793 I choose to look at as bra half full. 16 00:00:31,794 --> 00:00:32,977 I don't know. 17 00:00:32,978 --> 00:00:34,773 Robin and I broke up two weeks ago. 18 00:00:34,774 --> 00:00:37,476 I'm... I'm not ready. 19 00:00:37,477 --> 00:00:39,344 When will you be ready? 20 00:00:39,345 --> 00:00:40,689 It was a good question. 21 00:00:40,690 --> 00:00:42,228 After a big relationship ends, 22 00:00:42,229 --> 00:00:43,680 you need some time to recuperate. 23 00:00:43,681 --> 00:00:45,337 Robin took a trip to Argentina, 24 00:00:45,338 --> 00:00:47,532 and I went through my usual routine. 25 00:00:47,533 --> 00:00:49,105 I grew my breakup beard. 26 00:00:49,106 --> 00:00:51,098 Ted Mosby, suit up, 'cause here's the plan. 27 00:00:51,099 --> 00:00:52,590 There's a Miss Nassau County pageant. 28 00:00:52,591 --> 00:00:53,598 We'll pretend to be judges 29 00:00:53,599 --> 00:00:56,526 and, yes, our votes are for sale. 30 00:00:56,527 --> 00:00:58,530 I'm not ready. 31 00:00:58,531 --> 00:00:59,746 I repainted the apartment. 32 00:00:59,747 --> 00:01:02,043 Finish Line of a women's 10K. 33 00:01:02,044 --> 00:01:03,903 Salty girls on an endorphin high 34 00:01:03,904 --> 00:01:06,420 who just want to lie down. 35 00:01:06,421 --> 00:01:09,078 Yeah. I'm not ready. 36 00:01:09,079 --> 00:01:11,388 And the truth is, I was doing really good. 37 00:01:11,389 --> 00:01:13,704 Female acrobats from Montreal. 38 00:01:13,705 --> 00:01:14,382 Hmm. 39 00:01:14,383 --> 00:01:15,674 Super flexible. We are going to get 40 00:01:15,675 --> 00:01:17,423 Cirque de So-Laid. 41 00:01:17,424 --> 00:01:19,112 What up? 42 00:01:19,113 --> 00:01:20,162 Barney, come on, we've covered this. 43 00:01:20,163 --> 00:01:20,955 Robin! 44 00:01:20,956 --> 00:01:22,087 Hey, guys. 45 00:01:22,088 --> 00:01:25,838 I just got in last night. 46 00:01:25,990 --> 00:01:28,461 Um, uh, this is Gael. 47 00:01:28,462 --> 00:01:30,321 Hola. 48 00:01:30,322 --> 00:01:32,002 Okay, I'm ready. 49 00:01:33,106 --> 00:01:36,864 Subsfactory presents: How I Met Your Mother 50 00:01:36,954 --> 00:01:40,110 Season 3 Episode 1 "Wait For It" 51 00:01:40,135 --> 00:01:44,227 Synch by: redman 52 00:01:46,901 --> 00:01:48,535 I just can't believe her. 53 00:01:48,536 --> 00:01:50,367 We have this totally amicable split, 54 00:01:50,368 --> 00:01:51,491 everything's cool. 55 00:01:51,492 --> 00:01:53,938 And she comes back from vacation withthatguy? 56 00:01:53,939 --> 00:01:55,329 You know what she's doing? 57 00:01:55,330 --> 00:01:56,645 She's trying to win the breakup. 58 00:01:56,646 --> 00:02:00,378 What do you mean "win the breakup," old-timey inventor? 59 00:02:00,379 --> 00:02:02,591 What our 21st president, Chester A. Arthur, 60 00:02:02,592 --> 00:02:04,246 is trying to say is that 61 00:02:04,247 --> 00:02:06,673 in every breakup there are winners and a losers. 62 00:02:06,674 --> 00:02:08,610 It's not a competition. 63 00:02:08,611 --> 00:02:10,546 Now, your 80-day balloon race around the world, 64 00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:13,206 that was a competion. 65 00:02:13,207 --> 00:02:14,795 That's my wife. 66 00:02:14,796 --> 00:02:16,594 Of course it's a competition, Lil. 67 00:02:16,595 --> 00:02:19,467 How else do you explain... what's his name? 68 00:02:19,468 --> 00:02:22,423 Gael. 69 00:02:22,424 --> 00:02:25,162 I'm sorry, Gayle? 70 00:02:25,163 --> 00:02:27,280 Gael. 71 00:02:27,281 --> 00:02:29,634 Kyle? 72 00:02:29,635 --> 00:02:32,115 Gael. 73 00:02:32,116 --> 00:02:35,566 Girl? 74 00:02:35,663 --> 00:02:38,113 It's pronounced "guy-el. " 75 00:02:38,114 --> 00:02:39,730 It means "joyful. " 76 00:02:39,731 --> 00:02:42,286 That is why I live my life by bringing joy, 77 00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:46,199 good energy and happiness to others. 78 00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:49,053 Especially those less fortunate that I. 79 00:02:49,054 --> 00:02:51,507 I'm sorry, so it's Gayle? 80 00:02:51,508 --> 00:02:53,366 What a jerk. 81 00:02:53,367 --> 00:02:54,607 I don't go to your stupid country 82 00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:57,555 and try to seduce women with my sexy accent. 83 00:02:57,556 --> 00:03:01,021 That's a great point, Persian nightclub owner. 84 00:03:01,022 --> 00:03:03,944 Oh, and he's a masseuse. 85 00:03:03,945 --> 00:03:07,417 With a massage, everything is connected. 86 00:03:07,418 --> 00:03:11,012 I can touch your foot, cleanse your kidney. 87 00:03:11,013 --> 00:03:12,805 I can touch your earlobe, 88 00:03:12,806 --> 00:03:15,495 and slow your heartbeat. 89 00:03:15,496 --> 00:03:17,994 One time, I used warm water to make a guy pee. 90 00:03:17,995 --> 00:03:20,418 Of course, I didn't make a career out of it. 91 00:03:20,419 --> 00:03:21,985 Career? 92 00:03:21,986 --> 00:03:23,638 Such an American idea. 93 00:03:23,639 --> 00:03:26,979 My career is living. Windsurfing. 94 00:03:26,980 --> 00:03:29,327 Making love. 95 00:03:29,328 --> 00:03:32,246 Sometimes at the same time. 96 00:03:32,247 --> 00:03:33,012 How? 97 00:03:33,013 --> 00:03:36,464 How would one do that exactly? 98 00:03:36,465 --> 00:03:38,746 Seriously, don't giggle. Tell me. 99 00:03:38,747 --> 00:03:39,789 Not possible. 100 00:03:39,790 --> 00:03:42,262 You cannot have sex on a windsurfing board. 101 00:03:42,263 --> 00:03:44,400 How do you know? Glad you asked, Lily. 102 00:03:44,401 --> 00:03:47,197 I have crafted a list of every vehicle... 103 00:03:47,198 --> 00:03:48,949 land-based, aquatic and airborne... 104 00:03:48,950 --> 00:03:51,369 in which/on which it's possible to have sex. 105 00:03:51,370 --> 00:03:53,292 And of those 33 vehicles, 106 00:03:53,293 --> 00:03:56,478 I have had sex in/on 31. 107 00:03:56,479 --> 00:03:59,391 Windsurfing board, not on the list, not possible. 108 00:03:59,392 --> 00:04:01,620 Oh, P.S., in order to hit 33, all I need is 109 00:04:01,621 --> 00:04:05,027 bobsled and the Apollo 11 space capsule. 110 00:04:05,028 --> 00:04:08,246 To get that last one, you'd have to break into the Smithsonian. 111 00:04:08,247 --> 00:04:10,310 This conversation never happened. 112 00:04:10,311 --> 00:04:14,028 All right, you're suited up, I'm bearded down. 113 00:04:14,029 --> 00:04:15,168 Let's get out there and win this thing. 114 00:04:15,169 --> 00:04:16,380 Yes! 115 00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:18,717 You guys, have fun on your double date. 116 00:04:18,718 --> 00:04:21,423 Oh, for the hundredth time, I'm sorry, there was a lull. 117 00:04:21,424 --> 00:04:23,562 And then we fell asleep on the beach 118 00:04:23,563 --> 00:04:24,873 while counting the stars. 119 00:04:24,874 --> 00:04:29,134 Do you want to have dinner with me? Uh, us? 120 00:04:29,177 --> 00:04:30,549 There was no lull. 121 00:04:30,550 --> 00:04:32,206 You just think he's incredibly hot. 122 00:04:32,207 --> 00:04:33,773 No, I don't! 123 00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:36,735 Not incredibly. 124 00:04:36,736 --> 00:04:38,863 It's a little hard to believe how hot he is. 125 00:04:38,864 --> 00:04:39,673 But, I mean, 126 00:04:39,674 --> 00:04:40,845 she's serious about him. 127 00:04:40,846 --> 00:04:43,352 The girl never marries the hot guy. 128 00:04:43,353 --> 00:04:44,727 Well, you did. 129 00:04:44,728 --> 00:04:47,346 I'm one of the lucky few. 130 00:04:47,347 --> 00:04:49,368 Lily, Ted is our best friend, 131 00:04:49,369 --> 00:04:50,572 so let's get something straight: 132 00:04:50,573 --> 00:04:53,175 Male Gayle is not hot. 133 00:04:53,176 --> 00:04:55,074 He's not our friend. Don't even look at him. 134 00:04:55,075 --> 00:04:57,458 Just... no eye contact. 135 00:04:57,459 --> 00:04:58,960 So that night, as Lily and Marshall 136 00:04:58,961 --> 00:05:00,490 did their best to hate Gael... 137 00:05:00,491 --> 00:05:03,395 Hey, Robin. Gael. 138 00:05:03,396 --> 00:05:05,616 ...Robin pulled me aside to check in. 139 00:05:05,617 --> 00:05:07,528 Now, I'm sure she meant the best, 140 00:05:07,529 --> 00:05:09,606 but she said the worst. 141 00:05:09,607 --> 00:05:11,303 I just want to make sure you're okay with this. 142 00:05:11,304 --> 00:05:14,076 "I just want to make sure you're okay with this"? 143 00:05:14,077 --> 00:05:15,619 Damn it! I can't believe she's the one 144 00:05:15,620 --> 00:05:16,780 that gets to say that. 145 00:05:16,781 --> 00:05:18,400 She's winning, isn't she? 146 00:05:18,401 --> 00:05:19,494 Not for long. 147 00:05:19,495 --> 00:05:22,630 Okay, pep talk. Take a knee. 148 00:05:22,631 --> 00:05:23,960 Ted, tonight we're going to get 149 00:05:23,961 --> 00:05:26,809 you someone way hotter than Robin. 150 00:05:26,810 --> 00:05:28,711 Okay, Robin's a ten. 151 00:05:28,712 --> 00:05:30,389 Fine, we'll get you a 12. 152 00:05:30,390 --> 00:05:32,622 Or, you know... 153 00:05:32,623 --> 00:05:34,477 two sixes. 154 00:05:34,478 --> 00:05:36,289 Failing that, four threes. 155 00:05:36,290 --> 00:05:38,166 And break glass in case of emergency, 156 00:05:38,167 --> 00:05:40,009 we'll go to Staten Island, I'll get you 12 ones. 157 00:05:40,010 --> 00:05:44,240 Ted, my boy, I am going to re-teach you... 158 00:05:45,043 --> 00:05:48,443 Amy. Ted. 159 00:05:49,543 --> 00:05:52,893 Barney. 160 00:05:54,066 --> 00:05:56,131 Ted, we are back! 161 00:05:56,132 --> 00:05:59,269 Up here. 162 00:05:59,270 --> 00:06:01,161 Up high. 163 00:06:01,162 --> 00:06:04,852 Fivin' it up five-style! 164 00:06:05,703 --> 00:06:07,267 I'm sorry this is all so weird. 165 00:06:07,268 --> 00:06:08,906 Weird, why would it be weird? 166 00:06:08,907 --> 00:06:10,437 Because you used to date our best friend 167 00:06:10,438 --> 00:06:12,600 or because my wife thinks 168 00:06:12,601 --> 00:06:14,551 your new boyfriend is incredibly hot? 169 00:06:14,552 --> 00:06:16,550 I do not! Shut up! 170 00:06:16,551 --> 00:06:19,987 Oh, my God! 171 00:06:19,988 --> 00:06:21,470 I just hope Ted's okay. 172 00:06:21,471 --> 00:06:22,659 Hmm. 173 00:06:22,660 --> 00:06:25,642 I hate to see you so tense. 174 00:06:25,643 --> 00:06:28,456 I mean, we had a really clean break up, you know? 175 00:06:28,457 --> 00:06:29,961 We really acted like adults, 176 00:06:29,962 --> 00:06:33,682 so the last thing... oh! 177 00:06:36,756 --> 00:06:39,556 Gael, are you a properly licensed massage therapist? 178 00:06:39,557 --> 00:06:40,973 What? Are you legally 179 00:06:40,974 --> 00:06:43,758 certified by some type of governing entity? 180 00:06:43,759 --> 00:06:46,243 I train for three years at an institute in Buenos Aires. 181 00:06:46,244 --> 00:06:48,436 I have a card. I can show you. 182 00:06:48,437 --> 00:06:49,960 Is the card laminated? 183 00:06:49,961 --> 00:06:51,375 What do you mean "laminated"? 184 00:06:51,376 --> 00:06:53,625 Covered in protective plastic. 185 00:06:53,626 --> 00:06:56,117 Oh, yes. Damn it. 186 00:06:56,118 --> 00:06:58,619 He checks out. 187 00:06:58,620 --> 00:07:03,627 Ted. Ted. 188 00:07:03,628 --> 00:07:06,857 What?! 189 00:07:06,858 --> 00:07:08,354 Let's bail, this place is dead. 190 00:07:08,355 --> 00:07:09,219 Yeah, you're right. 191 00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:10,651 We're both totally striking out. 192 00:07:10,652 --> 00:07:12,026 Exactly, plus, 193 00:07:12,027 --> 00:07:14,343 we're on a tight schedule. I've got this entire evening 194 00:07:14,344 --> 00:07:16,637 perfectly planned out... spoiler alert: 195 00:07:16,638 --> 00:07:18,166 our last stop is an after hours club 196 00:07:18,167 --> 00:07:20,771 so after hours, it's three days from now. 197 00:07:20,772 --> 00:07:22,871 What up. 198 00:07:22,872 --> 00:07:23,859 Are you blind? 199 00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:25,907 I'm making out with a 12. I am winning. 200 00:07:25,908 --> 00:07:27,670 Yeah, but I didn't get to help. 201 00:07:27,671 --> 00:07:28,900 So you're saying you want me to throw away 202 00:07:28,901 --> 00:07:32,171 a super hot girl just because you didn't help me get her? 203 00:07:32,172 --> 00:07:34,002 Apology accepted. Let's go. 204 00:07:34,003 --> 00:07:35,517 Who's the suit? 205 00:07:35,518 --> 00:07:37,642 This is Barney. Barney, Amy. 206 00:07:37,643 --> 00:07:39,016 I'm not gonna remember that. 207 00:07:39,017 --> 00:07:40,145 Now, if you'll excuse me, 208 00:07:40,146 --> 00:07:41,953 random chick from earlier tonight, 209 00:07:41,954 --> 00:07:43,892 as you shall henceforth be known, 210 00:07:43,893 --> 00:07:45,630 Ted and I have a schedule to keep. 211 00:07:45,631 --> 00:07:48,532 Oh, well, you can check off 8:54, dress up like a dork 212 00:07:48,533 --> 00:07:50,276 and bother the cool kids. 213 00:07:50,277 --> 00:07:52,063 Beat it, nerd. 214 00:07:52,064 --> 00:07:53,647 Wow. Wow. 215 00:07:53,648 --> 00:07:55,408 Great stuff, Tommy Lee. 216 00:07:55,409 --> 00:07:56,368 See, what you don't understand is 217 00:07:56,369 --> 00:07:58,261 I'm Ted's wingman. 218 00:07:58,262 --> 00:08:00,174 It's a sacred bond, much stronger than any... 219 00:08:00,175 --> 00:08:03,066 They're making out again. 220 00:08:03,067 --> 00:08:05,709 Massage therapist. 221 00:08:05,710 --> 00:08:07,588 And you know what, "Gayle"? 222 00:08:07,589 --> 00:08:11,920 Your piece of chicken looks a little tense to me. 223 00:08:11,921 --> 00:08:14,816 Oh, oh, does that feel good, Mr. Chicken? 224 00:08:14,817 --> 00:08:16,041 Well, guess what? 225 00:08:16,042 --> 00:08:18,538 I didn't wash my hands. 226 00:08:18,539 --> 00:08:21,809 Got him. 227 00:08:21,810 --> 00:08:23,256 Lily! 228 00:08:23,257 --> 00:08:25,341 We carry so much ancient emotion 229 00:08:25,342 --> 00:08:27,149 in our neck and shoulders. 230 00:08:27,150 --> 00:08:29,774 Things we should have let go of years ago. 231 00:08:29,775 --> 00:08:33,345 I forgive you, Mom. 232 00:08:34,102 --> 00:08:36,262 Lily, we are Ted's best friends. 233 00:08:36,263 --> 00:08:38,243 Our job is to hate that guy. 234 00:08:38,244 --> 00:08:40,432 Oh, yeah, that's what I was doing. 235 00:08:40,433 --> 00:08:43,749 I was just building him up so a few minutes later, 236 00:08:43,750 --> 00:08:47,620 I could totally cut him down. 237 00:08:49,279 --> 00:08:52,684 Weren't you wearing a bra? 238 00:08:52,685 --> 00:08:53,464 The night was going great. 239 00:08:53,465 --> 00:08:55,436 Amy was cool and dangerous. 240 00:08:55,437 --> 00:08:57,089 She found a friend for Barney. 241 00:08:57,090 --> 00:08:58,669 She even paid for drinks... 242 00:08:58,670 --> 00:09:01,067 sort of. 243 00:09:01,068 --> 00:09:02,294 They know us here. 244 00:09:02,295 --> 00:09:03,498 You're gonna get us in trouble. 245 00:09:03,499 --> 00:09:04,484 Tell me something. 246 00:09:04,485 --> 00:09:05,972 Do you ask your tailor to leave extra room 247 00:09:05,973 --> 00:09:09,993 in the crotch for your huge vagina? 248 00:09:10,859 --> 00:09:14,489 You... your vagina... 249 00:09:15,908 --> 00:09:17,267 Ted, this chick is crazy. 250 00:09:17,268 --> 00:09:18,720 We're leaving. Good idea. 251 00:09:18,721 --> 00:09:19,993 Let's all go back to my place. 252 00:09:19,994 --> 00:09:22,408 Your place? Thanks but no thanks, 253 00:09:22,409 --> 00:09:25,037 1994 Courtney Love. 254 00:09:25,038 --> 00:09:28,283 I have a hot tub. 255 00:09:28,284 --> 00:09:32,304 Okay, this is actually pretty nice. 256 00:09:33,507 --> 00:09:35,588 I like your tatts. 257 00:09:35,589 --> 00:09:37,582 Thanks, you can play with them if you want. 258 00:09:37,583 --> 00:09:40,103 They're a hundred percent real. 259 00:09:40,104 --> 00:09:44,184 No, your tatts... toos, your tattoos. 260 00:09:44,925 --> 00:09:46,734 Thanks. 261 00:09:46,735 --> 00:09:47,770 You should get one. 262 00:09:47,771 --> 00:09:50,911 Wrong. Ted has a classic, clean-cut look 263 00:09:50,912 --> 00:09:54,974 that never goes out of style season after season, burn. 264 00:09:54,975 --> 00:09:57,800 Yeah? Well, I think he would look hot with some ink. 265 00:09:57,801 --> 00:09:59,634 No, he wouldn't. Yes, he would. 266 00:09:59,635 --> 00:10:00,879 No, he wouldn't. 267 00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:03,197 Yuh-huh. Nuh-uh. 268 00:10:03,198 --> 00:10:05,072 I'm ready to do anything you want by the way. 269 00:10:05,073 --> 00:10:08,673 Anything. Right now. 270 00:10:09,039 --> 00:10:11,539 Ted, who are you gonna side with on this tattoo thing? 271 00:10:11,540 --> 00:10:14,198 I think I'd look way hot with some ink. 272 00:10:14,199 --> 00:10:17,829 Yeah, you would. Yeah. 273 00:10:17,899 --> 00:10:19,649 Oh, my God! Tyler? 274 00:10:19,650 --> 00:10:20,918 Mommy! Daddy! 275 00:10:20,919 --> 00:10:22,696 She's back! 276 00:10:22,697 --> 00:10:27,257 Damn it, they're supposed to be in the Hamptons. Run! 277 00:10:28,625 --> 00:10:31,149 Sorry. I used to nanny 278 00:10:31,150 --> 00:10:32,823 for those jerks before they fired me. 279 00:10:32,824 --> 00:10:34,529 So unfair. Unfair? 280 00:10:34,530 --> 00:10:36,341 I wouldn't let you take care of the imaginary kids 281 00:10:36,342 --> 00:10:38,923 I make up to score with single moms. 282 00:10:38,924 --> 00:10:39,600 That's it, Ted. 283 00:10:39,601 --> 00:10:43,111 We're going home. 284 00:10:43,258 --> 00:10:45,303 Ted? 285 00:10:45,304 --> 00:10:47,226 Ted, you okay? 286 00:10:47,227 --> 00:10:49,403 Hello, Ted. Robin and I are about to make 287 00:10:49,404 --> 00:10:52,198 fantastic aquatic sex on this windsurfing board. 288 00:10:52,199 --> 00:10:56,699 And I just want to make sure you're okay with this. 289 00:10:58,666 --> 00:11:00,319 Okay, how do we do this? 290 00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:03,386 I think your leg goes up, up... 291 00:11:03,387 --> 00:11:05,735 Okay, how about if I, um... 292 00:11:05,736 --> 00:11:06,501 No, mine... 293 00:11:06,502 --> 00:11:08,047 I'm okay. 294 00:11:08,048 --> 00:11:10,810 In fact, here's how okay I am. 295 00:11:10,811 --> 00:11:11,829 I'm getting a tattoo. 296 00:11:11,830 --> 00:11:14,620 You're not getting a tattoo, it's not you. 297 00:11:14,621 --> 00:11:18,731 Ted, you are heading down a dark path. 298 00:11:18,877 --> 00:11:21,934 That dark path is my driveway. 299 00:11:21,935 --> 00:11:23,168 But you need a plan 300 00:11:23,169 --> 00:11:25,076 and you need a wingman! 301 00:11:25,077 --> 00:11:28,887 This is so going in my blog! 302 00:11:30,388 --> 00:11:33,898 Want to have sex? 303 00:11:34,140 --> 00:11:37,086 Okay. 304 00:11:37,087 --> 00:11:38,082 And underneath, 305 00:11:38,083 --> 00:11:40,319 it should say, "I win. " 306 00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:42,538 And then it should have flames coming out the bottom. 307 00:11:42,539 --> 00:11:44,042 Fire! 308 00:11:44,043 --> 00:11:46,211 We should start a fire. 309 00:11:46,212 --> 00:11:48,552 After this maybe. 310 00:11:48,553 --> 00:11:50,474 Oh, man, this is going to be legend. 311 00:11:50,475 --> 00:11:51,695 Wait for it. 312 00:11:51,696 --> 00:11:53,196 And that's all I rember. 313 00:11:53,197 --> 00:11:57,487 The next morning, I woke up alone back home. 314 00:12:16,386 --> 00:12:17,843 Hey, buddy, how was your night? 315 00:12:17,844 --> 00:12:20,292 You know, it was great. 316 00:12:20,293 --> 00:12:22,921 I met this crazy girl, I almost got a tattoo. 317 00:12:22,922 --> 00:12:24,294 Don't worry. 318 00:12:24,295 --> 00:12:26,128 I didn't, but it was... 319 00:12:26,129 --> 00:12:27,701 It was amazing. 320 00:12:27,702 --> 00:12:32,232 I think it's safe to say, I am winning this breakup. 321 00:12:32,721 --> 00:12:34,813 Look. 322 00:12:34,814 --> 00:12:36,157 Oh, my God. 323 00:12:36,158 --> 00:12:37,140 What? 324 00:12:37,141 --> 00:12:37,997 Nothing. 325 00:12:37,998 --> 00:12:39,517 This J. Crew catalog. 326 00:12:39,518 --> 00:12:43,808 Who brings two Golden Retrievers in a canoe? 327 00:12:44,812 --> 00:12:45,765 We got to call Barney. 328 00:12:45,766 --> 00:12:48,703 Way ahead of you. 329 00:12:48,704 --> 00:12:50,268 Hey, guys, what's the big emergency? 330 00:12:50,269 --> 00:12:51,773 Oh, and B the W: 331 00:12:51,774 --> 00:12:53,439 I am never speaking to Ted again. 332 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:54,804 Mm. Really? Never? 333 00:12:54,805 --> 00:12:58,758 Not even if, say, butterflies flew out of his ass? 334 00:12:58,759 --> 00:13:01,584 What? 335 00:13:01,585 --> 00:13:02,737 Ted? Could you grab me 336 00:13:02,738 --> 00:13:06,488 the fondue pot? 337 00:13:06,917 --> 00:13:10,534 He has no idea. 338 00:13:10,535 --> 00:13:14,185 And up we go. 339 00:13:15,625 --> 00:13:17,495 Thank you. 340 00:13:17,496 --> 00:13:19,538 What? 341 00:13:19,539 --> 00:13:20,454 Ted? Mm? 342 00:13:20,455 --> 00:13:23,769 I came here this morning because... 343 00:13:23,770 --> 00:13:25,894 I want to apologize. 344 00:13:25,895 --> 00:13:27,207 Apology accepted, Barney. 345 00:13:27,208 --> 00:13:30,291 As you can see, I do just fine on my own. 346 00:13:30,292 --> 00:13:31,616 I don't need a baby-sitter. 347 00:13:31,617 --> 00:13:33,005 See, all this time, 348 00:13:33,006 --> 00:13:34,725 I thought you need a wingman to fly, 349 00:13:34,726 --> 00:13:36,917 but the truth is, you... 350 00:13:36,918 --> 00:13:38,336 you've got your own wings now. 351 00:13:38,337 --> 00:13:39,668 Mm. 352 00:13:39,669 --> 00:13:43,070 Since you and Robin split, you've been gestating. 353 00:13:43,071 --> 00:13:46,701 Growing in your coon. 354 00:13:46,805 --> 00:13:48,263 And last night... 355 00:13:48,264 --> 00:13:51,618 ...you burst out of that cocoon like a... 356 00:13:51,619 --> 00:13:54,611 like a majestic, uh... 357 00:13:54,612 --> 00:13:57,401 Gosh, what is it that comes out of a cocoon? 358 00:13:57,402 --> 00:13:59,684 I was always bad at science. 359 00:13:59,685 --> 00:14:02,012 He's going to say it! 360 00:14:02,013 --> 00:14:05,557 A butterfly? 361 00:14:05,558 --> 00:14:06,416 What? 362 00:14:06,417 --> 00:14:08,654 Nothing, buddy. 363 00:14:08,655 --> 00:14:12,495 Ow! Why did that hurt so...? 364 00:14:15,260 --> 00:14:18,431 Oh, my God! 365 00:14:18,432 --> 00:14:20,744 I have a tattoo! 366 00:14:20,745 --> 00:14:21,947 Oh, that's not a tattoo. 367 00:14:21,948 --> 00:14:25,250 That, dear boy, is a tramp stamp. 368 00:14:25,251 --> 00:14:26,511 A tramp stamp. 369 00:14:26,512 --> 00:14:28,346 You know, a ho tag. 370 00:14:28,347 --> 00:14:29,962 Ass antlers. 371 00:14:29,963 --> 00:14:32,510 A Panama City license plate. 372 00:14:32,511 --> 00:14:34,449 And suddenly, it all came back to me. 373 00:14:34,450 --> 00:14:35,934 ...dary! 374 00:14:35,935 --> 00:14:39,420 Legendary! 375 00:14:39,421 --> 00:14:42,832 Man, I am so winning this breakup. 376 00:14:42,833 --> 00:14:44,551 Mm. I just broke up 377 00:14:44,552 --> 00:14:46,028 with my boyfriend Steve. 378 00:14:46,029 --> 00:14:47,608 He was totally annoying. He was, like, 379 00:14:47,609 --> 00:14:49,514 "I think you're the one, I want to marry you. " 380 00:14:49,515 --> 00:14:52,005 What a wuss. 381 00:14:52,006 --> 00:14:52,605 Do you think 382 00:14:52,606 --> 00:14:53,970 exes can be friends? 383 00:14:53,971 --> 00:14:55,327 Yeah, sure. 384 00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:59,031 I mean, we're still friends, right, Steve? 385 00:14:59,032 --> 00:15:01,413 Hey, your name is Steve. 386 00:15:01,414 --> 00:15:02,006 And her 387 00:15:02,007 --> 00:15:04,332 ex-boyfriend's name is Steve. 388 00:15:04,333 --> 00:15:06,532 What are the odds of that...? 389 00:15:06,533 --> 00:15:09,983 Wait. 390 00:15:10,551 --> 00:15:12,157 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 391 00:15:12,158 --> 00:15:14,336 Give me this. 392 00:15:14,337 --> 00:15:16,309 Oh, yeah, that'll get it out. 393 00:15:16,310 --> 00:15:18,678 Maybe you should try club soda. 394 00:15:18,679 --> 00:15:19,835 Ow. Damn it, it really hurts. 395 00:15:19,836 --> 00:15:20,746 I need, like, 396 00:15:20,747 --> 00:15:22,102 some ointment or something. 397 00:15:22,103 --> 00:15:23,389 What's this? 398 00:15:23,390 --> 00:15:26,990 Spanish massage oil. 399 00:15:27,278 --> 00:15:30,878 Spanish massage oil? 400 00:15:32,173 --> 00:15:36,073 What happened here last night? 401 00:15:36,247 --> 00:15:39,877 Last night got weird. 402 00:16:06,064 --> 00:16:08,656 Feel the emotions release. 403 00:16:08,657 --> 00:16:13,247 Think I just got over being chunky in the ninth grade. 404 00:16:13,553 --> 00:16:16,422 You're beautiful. 405 00:16:16,423 --> 00:16:20,173 I am beautiful. 406 00:16:20,361 --> 00:16:23,991 Experience your food. 407 00:16:27,772 --> 00:16:31,472 Try the mango. 408 00:16:33,118 --> 00:16:35,991 Okay, that's enough of the fruit. 409 00:16:35,992 --> 00:16:37,340 We're sorry, Ted. 410 00:16:37,341 --> 00:16:38,682 It'll never happen again. 411 00:16:38,683 --> 00:16:39,761 It meant nothing to us. 412 00:16:39,762 --> 00:16:42,173 It just felt really, really, really good. 413 00:16:42,174 --> 00:16:44,666 Oh! I can't even look at you two right now. 414 00:16:44,667 --> 00:16:47,967 Ted... 415 00:16:49,500 --> 00:16:53,130 He got a tramp stamp. 416 00:17:01,261 --> 00:17:03,856 All right, first of all, this isn't one of those, 417 00:17:03,857 --> 00:17:06,499 "I came all the way over here because I want you back" things. 418 00:17:06,500 --> 00:17:08,714 There'll be no startling confession of love, 419 00:17:08,715 --> 00:17:10,529 no sweet indie rock song that swells up 420 00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,689 just as we're about to kiss, none of that crap. Got it? 421 00:17:12,690 --> 00:17:13,874 Okay. Good. 422 00:17:13,875 --> 00:17:15,671 Now, here's the thing. 423 00:17:15,672 --> 00:17:17,130 It sucks that you came back from Argentina 424 00:17:17,131 --> 00:17:18,891 with someone as awesome as Gael. 425 00:17:18,892 --> 00:17:20,920 And I know I have no right to be upset at you. 426 00:17:20,921 --> 00:17:22,928 We're broken up, life goes on, whatever. 427 00:17:22,929 --> 00:17:24,718 But you know what? We-We never did this. 428 00:17:24,719 --> 00:17:26,297 We-We had this polite breakup 429 00:17:26,298 --> 00:17:27,959 with no irrational yelling, and... 430 00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:29,110 and that's just wrong! 431 00:17:29,111 --> 00:17:31,798 So, I'm going to yell irrationally for a little while, 432 00:17:31,799 --> 00:17:33,125 and you're just going to have to stand there 433 00:17:33,126 --> 00:17:34,533 and deal with it, okay? 434 00:17:34,534 --> 00:17:35,853 If you feel like you need to do that, then... 435 00:17:35,854 --> 00:17:37,251 I think I do! 436 00:17:37,252 --> 00:17:38,641 I really think I do! 437 00:17:38,642 --> 00:17:42,212 So now I'm yelling! 438 00:17:42,618 --> 00:17:44,039 You shaved. I did! 439 00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:45,645 I liked the beard. I liked it, too, but it 440 00:17:45,646 --> 00:17:47,020 was getting kind of hot! 441 00:17:47,021 --> 00:17:47,989 Maybe in the winter, 442 00:17:47,990 --> 00:17:51,650 I'll grow it back out! 443 00:17:52,019 --> 00:17:54,135 Okay, I'm done. 444 00:17:54,136 --> 00:17:57,134 I know it was weird showing up with Gael. 445 00:17:57,135 --> 00:18:00,227 I'm sorry. 446 00:18:00,228 --> 00:18:03,353 Look, us breaking up... it was the right thing. 447 00:18:03,354 --> 00:18:05,519 But it took some time to get over you, you know? 448 00:18:05,520 --> 00:18:07,526 I- I'm still getting over you. 449 00:18:07,527 --> 00:18:08,537 But you? You were over it 450 00:18:08,538 --> 00:18:09,827 the minute they started the in-flight movie. 451 00:18:09,828 --> 00:18:11,152 Over it?! 452 00:18:11,153 --> 00:18:12,536 My first three days in Argentina, 453 00:18:12,537 --> 00:18:14,851 I cried my eyes out. 454 00:18:14,852 --> 00:18:15,725 I missed you 455 00:18:15,726 --> 00:18:17,201 so much. 456 00:18:17,202 --> 00:18:19,790 I wanted to go and prove how adventurous I am, 457 00:18:19,791 --> 00:18:23,164 but the truth is... it was really lonely. 458 00:18:23,165 --> 00:18:26,634 And that's why Gael happened. 459 00:18:26,635 --> 00:18:28,868 You weren't trying to win the breakup? 460 00:18:28,869 --> 00:18:32,679 I was trying to survive it. 461 00:18:33,157 --> 00:18:34,373 Okay. 462 00:18:34,374 --> 00:18:35,125 No. 463 00:18:35,126 --> 00:18:37,373 See, look, that all sounds good, and 464 00:18:37,374 --> 00:18:39,891 we'll still be friends and move on, but... 465 00:18:39,892 --> 00:18:41,839 did he have to be so hot? 466 00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:43,044 The guy's an Adonis. 467 00:18:43,045 --> 00:18:44,185 He's not an Adonis. 468 00:18:44,186 --> 00:18:46,593 He's the Cadillac of rebound guys. 469 00:18:46,594 --> 00:18:48,621 Marshall has a crush on him! 470 00:18:48,622 --> 00:18:49,418 The guy's perfect. 471 00:18:49,419 --> 00:18:50,236 He's not perfect. 472 00:18:50,237 --> 00:18:51,436 Oh, come on. 473 00:18:51,437 --> 00:18:55,419 He's hot, he wind surfs, he massages things. 474 00:18:55,420 --> 00:18:58,299 Name one way I'm better than that guy. 475 00:18:58,300 --> 00:18:59,611 You're bigger. 476 00:18:59,612 --> 00:19:00,750 Don't patronize me. If anything, 477 00:19:00,751 --> 00:19:02,146 he may even be a little bit taller. 478 00:19:02,147 --> 00:19:05,897 No. Ted... you're bigger. 479 00:19:06,455 --> 00:19:08,879 I win! 480 00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:10,059 Kids, I can't remember exactly 481 00:19:10,060 --> 00:19:13,129 what helped me get through the whole Robin-Gael incident. 482 00:19:13,130 --> 00:19:16,302 I'm sure that it was something profound and meaningful, 483 00:19:16,303 --> 00:19:19,198 and not at all macho and petty, 484 00:19:19,199 --> 00:19:22,069 but after that, I was back on my feet. 485 00:19:22,070 --> 00:19:25,321 And what followed was a new era in my life,a crazy time 486 00:19:25,322 --> 00:19:27,635 unlike anything that came before. 487 00:19:27,636 --> 00:19:29,560 It's funny looking back at those days, 488 00:19:29,561 --> 00:19:33,539 knowing now exactly what I was heading towards. 489 00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:37,470 And what was heading towards me. 490 00:19:45,167 --> 00:19:46,387 Go for Barney. 491 00:19:46,388 --> 00:19:48,607 Hey, man, it's Marshall. 492 00:19:48,608 --> 00:19:49,963 Check your e-mail. 493 00:19:49,964 --> 00:19:51,696 Sent you something. 494 00:19:51,697 --> 00:19:52,627 What is it? 495 00:19:52,628 --> 00:19:54,376 Just a new Web site. 496 00:19:54,377 --> 00:19:57,947 Slapcountdown. com. 497 00:19:59,973 --> 00:20:02,212 What does this mean? 498 00:20:02,213 --> 00:20:04,650 M- Marshall? 499 00:20:04,651 --> 00:20:08,101 Ma... 500 00:20:11,870 --> 00:20:14,409 No. 501 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,499 }; before I could meet her. 502 00:00:01,534 --> 00:00:03,000 And that story begins here. 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