1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,300
<i>Kids, there more than one story
of how I met your mother.</i>

2
00:00:03,700 --> 00:00:06,400
<i>You know the short version, the thing
with your mom's yellow umbrella.</i>

3
00:00:06,800 --> 00:00:08,200
<i>But there's a bigger story.</i>

4
00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:11,800
<i>The story of how I became who I had
to become before I could meet her.</i>

5
00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:14,500
<i>And that story begins,
here.</i>

6
00:00:14,900 --> 00:00:15,800
...dary!

7
00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:17,700
Legendary!

8
00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:20,200
Dude, I am so excited
that you're single again.

9
00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:22,300
We are going to conquer
New York City.

10
00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:24,500
I already have a girl
from work lined up for you.

11
00:00:24,700 --> 00:00:26,500
Right boob bigger
than the left boob,

12
00:00:26,500 --> 00:00:28,400
which some choose
to look at as bra half empty,

13
00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:30,000
I choose to look at as bra half full.

14
00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:32,300
I don't know.

15
00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:34,100
Robin and I broke up
two weeks ago.

16
00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:35,900
I'm... I'm not ready.

17
00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:38,000
When will you be ready?

18
00:00:38,700 --> 00:00:39,900
<i>It was a good question.</i>

19
00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:43,000
<i>After a big relationship ends,
you need some time to recuperate.</i>

20
00:00:43,100 --> 00:00:46,700
<i>Robin took a trip to Argentina,
and I went through my usual routine.</i>

21
00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:48,300
<i>I grew my breakup beard.</i>

22
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:49,800
Ted Mosby, suit up,

23
00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:52,000
'cause here's the plan.
There's a Miss Nassau County pageant.

24
00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:54,700
We'll pretend to be judges
and, yes, our votes are for sale.

25
00:00:55,700 --> 00:00:56,700
I'm not ready.

26
00:00:57,500 --> 00:00:59,100
<i>I repainted the apartment.</i>

27
00:00:59,200 --> 00:01:01,300
Finish Line of a women's 10K.

28
00:01:01,500 --> 00:01:04,700
Salty girls on an endorphin high
who just want to lie down.

29
00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:07,800
- Yeah.
- I'm not ready.

30
00:01:08,500 --> 00:01:10,500
<i>And the truth is,
I was doing really good.</i>

31
00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:14,500
Female acrobats from Montreal.
Super flexible.

32
00:01:14,500 --> 00:01:16,700
We are going to get
Cirque de So-Laid.

33
00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:18,200
What up?

34
00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:20,000
Barney, come on, we've covered this.
I'm not...

35
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:21,100
Hey, guys.

36
00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:22,700
I just got in last night.

37
00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:27,300
Um, uh, this is Gael.

38
00:01:27,900 --> 00:01:28,600
Hola.

39
00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:30,600
Okay, I'm ready.

40
00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:34,100
Sync by vNaru

41
00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:48,000
I just can't believe her.

44
00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:54,500
You know what she's doing?

45
00:01:54,700 --> 00:01:56,000
She's trying to win the breakup.

46
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:58,900
What do you mean "win thebreakup",
old-timey inventor?

47
00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:02,900
What our 21st president,
Chester A. Arthur, is trying to say,

48
00:02:03,100 --> 00:02:06,000
is that in every breakup there are
winners and a losers.

49
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:07,700
It's not a competition.

50
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:11,600
Now, your 80-day balloon race around
the world, that was a competition.

51
00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:13,200
That's my wife.

52
00:02:13,900 --> 00:02:15,800
Of course it's a competition, Lil.

53
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:18,200
How else do you explain...
what's his name?

54
00:02:18,900 --> 00:02:19,600
Gael.

55
00:02:21,700 --> 00:02:22,900
I'm sorry, Gayle?

56
00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:25,300
Gael.

57
00:02:26,700 --> 00:02:27,500
Kyle?

58
00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:29,700
Gael.

59
00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:32,700
Girl?

60
00:02:34,900 --> 00:02:36,800
It's pronounced "guy-el."

61
00:02:37,500 --> 00:02:38,600
It means "joyful."

62
00:02:39,100 --> 00:02:41,900
That is why I live
my life by bringing joy,

63
00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:44,500
good energy
and happiness to others.

64
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:47,100
Especially those
less fortunate that I.

65
00:02:48,300 --> 00:02:49,900
I'm sorry, so it's Gayle?

66
00:02:51,300 --> 00:02:52,500
What a jerk.

67
00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:56,800
I don't go to your stupid country and
try to seduce women with my sexy accent.

68
00:02:56,900 --> 00:03:00,300
That's a great point,
Persian nightclub owner.

69
00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:02,800
Oh, and he's a masseuse.

70
00:03:03,300 --> 00:03:04,300
With a massage,

71
00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:06,100
everything is connected.

72
00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:09,700
I can touch your foot,
cleanse your kidney.

73
00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:14,200
I can touch your earlobe,
and slow your heartbeat.

74
00:03:14,700 --> 00:03:17,000
One time, I used warm water
to make a guy pee.

75
00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:19,400
Of course, I didn't
make a career out of it.

76
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:20,800
Career?

77
00:03:21,300 --> 00:03:22,600
Such an American idea.

78
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:24,300
My career is living.

79
00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:25,800
Windsurfing.

80
00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:27,500
Making love.

81
00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:30,500
Sometimes at the same time.

82
00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:34,700
How? How would one
do that exactly?

83
00:03:35,100 --> 00:03:37,700
Seriously, don't giggle.
Tell me.

84
00:03:38,100 --> 00:03:41,600
Not possible. You cannot have sex
on a windsurfing board.

85
00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:43,600
- How do you know?
- Glad you asked, Lily.

86
00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:46,600
I have crafted a list
of every vehicle...

87
00:03:46,700 --> 00:03:48,400
land-based, aquatic and airborne...

88
00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:50,700
in which/on which it's
possible to have sex.

89
00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:55,400
And of those 33 vehicles,
I have had sex in/on 31.

90
00:03:55,900 --> 00:03:58,200
Windsurfing board,
not on the list, not possible.

91
00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:00,600
Oh, P.S., in orderto hit 33,

92
00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:03,900
all I need is bobsled
and the Apollo 11 space capsule.

93
00:04:04,300 --> 00:04:07,000
To get that last one, you'd have
to break into the Smithsonian.

94
00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:09,000
This conversation never happened.

95
00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:13,000
All right, you're suited up,
I'm bearded down.

96
00:04:13,300 --> 00:04:15,400
- Let's get out there and win this thing.
- Yes!

97
00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:17,700
You guys, have fun on
your double date.

98
00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:20,800
Oh, for the hundredth time,
I'm sorry, there was a lull.

99
00:04:21,300 --> 00:04:24,300
And then we fell asleep on the beach
while counting the stars.

100
00:04:24,300 --> 00:04:26,700
Do you want to have dinner
with me? Uh, us?

101
00:04:28,500 --> 00:04:29,900
There was no lull.

102
00:04:30,100 --> 00:04:32,600
- You just think he's incredibly hot.
- No, I don't!

103
00:04:33,200 --> 00:04:34,300
Not incredibly.

104
00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:37,700
It's a little hard to believe
how hot he is.

105
00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:40,200
But, I mean, she's not
serious about him.

106
00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:42,400
The girl never marries the hot guy.

107
00:04:42,700 --> 00:04:43,800
Well, you did.

108
00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:45,500
I'm one of the lucky few.

109
00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:49,900
Lily, Ted is our best friend,
so let's get something straight:

110
00:04:50,100 --> 00:04:52,400
Male Gayle is not hot.

111
00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:54,400
He's not our friend.
Don't even look at him.

112
00:04:54,500 --> 00:04:56,100
Just... no eye contact.

113
00:04:56,700 --> 00:04:59,900
<i>So that night, as Lily and Marshall
did their best to hate Gael...</i>

114
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:02,300
Hey, Robin. Gael.

115
00:05:02,700 --> 00:05:04,700
<i>Robin pulled me aside
to check in.</i>

116
00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:06,700
<i>Now, I'm sure
she meant the best,</i>

117
00:05:06,900 --> 00:05:08,600
<i>but she said the worst.</i>

118
00:05:08,700 --> 00:05:10,600
I just want to make sure
you're okay with this.

119
00:05:10,700 --> 00:05:13,100
"I just want to make sure
you're okay with this"?

120
00:05:13,500 --> 00:05:16,000
Damn it! I can't believe she's
the one that gets to say that.

121
00:05:16,100 --> 00:05:17,300
She's winning, isn't she?

122
00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:20,200
Not for long.
Okay, pep talk.

123
00:05:20,300 --> 00:05:21,200
Take a knee.

124
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:25,400
Ted, tonight we're going to get you
someone way hotter than Robin.

125
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:27,900
Okay, Robin's a ten.

126
00:05:28,100 --> 00:05:29,700
Fine, we'll get you a 12.

127
00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:32,900
Or, you know...
two sixes.

128
00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:35,400
Failing that, four threes.

129
00:05:35,700 --> 00:05:37,500
And break glass
in case of emergency,

130
00:05:37,500 --> 00:05:39,400
we'll go to Staten Island,
I'll get you 12 ones.

131
00:05:39,500 --> 00:05:42,900
Ted, my boy, I am going to
re-teach you how...

132
00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:46,300
- Amy.
- Ted.

133
00:05:48,900 --> 00:05:49,700
Barney.

134
00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:56,300
Ted, we are back!

135
00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:57,400
Up here.

136
00:05:59,700 --> 00:06:00,600
Up high.

137
00:06:01,500 --> 00:06:03,300
Fivin' it up five-style!

138
00:06:05,900 --> 00:06:07,600
I'm sorry this is
all so weird.

139
00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:09,300
Weird, why would it be weird?

140
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:12,200
Because you used to date
our best friend or because my wife

141
00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:14,900
thinks your new boyfriend
is incredibly hot?

142
00:06:14,900 --> 00:06:18,200
I do not! Shut up!
Oh, my God!

143
00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:22,100
- I just hope Ted's okay.
- Hmm.

144
00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:24,400
I hate to see you so tense.

145
00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:28,500
I mean, we had a really
clean break up, you know?

146
00:06:28,900 --> 00:06:31,700
We really acted like adults,
so the last thing... oh!

147
00:06:37,100 --> 00:06:39,600
Gael, are you a properly
licensed massage therapist?

148
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:40,600
What?

149
00:06:40,700 --> 00:06:43,900
Are you legally certified by some type
of governing entity?

150
00:06:44,100 --> 00:06:46,500
I train for three years at
an institute in Buenos Aires.

151
00:06:46,600 --> 00:06:48,300
I have a card.
I can show you.

152
00:06:48,500 --> 00:06:49,700
Is the card laminated?

153
00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:53,700
- What do you mean "laminated"?
- Covered in protective plastic.

154
00:06:53,900 --> 00:06:55,900
- Oh, yes.
- Damn it.

155
00:06:56,300 --> 00:06:57,500
He checks out.

156
00:06:58,900 --> 00:07:00,800
Ted. Ted.

157
00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:04,500
- Ted. Ted.
- What!?

158
00:07:07,100 --> 00:07:08,600
Let's bail, this place is dead.

159
00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:10,800
Yeah, you're right.
We're both totally striking out.

160
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:13,500
Exactly, plus,
we're on a tight schedule.

161
00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:16,500
I've got this entire evening
perfectly planned out... spoiler alert:

162
00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:21,100
our last stop is an after hours club so
after hours, it's three days from now.

163
00:07:21,100 --> 00:07:22,400
What up.

164
00:07:23,100 --> 00:07:25,400
Are you blind?
I'm making out with a 12.

165
00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:27,700
- I am winning.
- Yeah, but I didn't get to help.

166
00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:29,300
So you're saying
you want me to throw away

167
00:07:29,300 --> 00:07:32,100
a super hot girl just because
you didn't help me get her?

168
00:07:32,500 --> 00:07:34,200
Apology accepted.
Let's go.

169
00:07:34,700 --> 00:07:36,900
- Who's the suit?
- This is Barney.

170
00:07:36,900 --> 00:07:39,000
- Barney, Amy.
- I'm not gonna remember that.

171
00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:42,200
Now, if you'll exse me,
random chick from earlier tonight,

172
00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:45,400
as you shall henceforth be known,
Ted and I have a schedule to keep.

173
00:07:45,700 --> 00:07:49,700
Well, you can check off 8:54, dress up
like a dork and bother the cool kids.

174
00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:51,300
Beat it, nerd.

175
00:07:52,300 --> 00:07:55,100
Wow. Wow.
Great stuff, Tommy Lee.

176
00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:58,000
See, what you don't understand is
I'm Ted's wingman.

177
00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:01,900
It's a sacred bond, much stronger
than any... They're making out again.

178
00:08:03,100 --> 00:08:05,100
Massage therapist.

179
00:08:05,700 --> 00:08:07,300
And you know what, "Gayle"?

180
00:08:07,700 --> 00:08:10,200
Your piece of chicken
looks a little tense to me.

181
00:08:11,700 --> 00:08:14,900
Oh, oh, does that
feel good, Mr. Chicken?

182
00:08:15,100 --> 00:08:16,400
Well, guess what?

183
00:08:16,500 --> 00:08:18,300
I didn't wash my hands.

184
00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:19,600
Got him.

185
00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:22,900
Lily!

186
00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:27,300
We carry so much ancient emotion
in our neck and shoulders.

187
00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:29,600
Things we should have
let go of years ago.

188
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:32,100
I forgive you, Mom.

189
00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:38,500
Lily, we are Ted's best friends.
Our job is to hate that guy.

190
00:08:38,500 --> 00:08:40,600
Oh, yeah,
that's what I was doing.

191
00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:42,900
I was just building him up so

192
00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:46,100
a few minutes later,
I could totally cut him down.

193
00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:51,100
Weren't you wearing a bra?

194
00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:53,800
<i>The night was going great.</i>

195
00:08:53,900 --> 00:08:55,700
<i>Amy was cool and dangerous.</i>

196
00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:57,300
<i>She found a friend for Barney.</i>

197
00:08:57,300 --> 00:08:59,600
<i>She even paid for drinks...
sort of.</i>

198
00:09:01,700 --> 00:09:03,900
They know us here.
You're gonna get us in trouble.

199
00:09:03,900 --> 00:09:06,900
Tell me something. Do you ask your
tailor to leave extra room in the crotch

200
00:09:06,900 --> 00:09:09,000
for your huge vagina?

201
00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:14,700
You... your vagina...

202
00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:18,200
Ted, this chick is crazy.
We're leaving.

203
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:20,300
Good idea.
Let's all go back to my place.

204
00:09:20,300 --> 00:09:24,700
Your place? Thanks but no thanks,
1994 Courtney Love.

205
00:09:25,300 --> 00:09:26,600
I have a hot tub.

206
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:30,800
Okay, this is
actually pretty nice.

207
00:09:33,900 --> 00:09:35,100
I like your tatts.

208
00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:37,500
Thanks, you can play
with them if you want.

209
00:09:37,500 --> 00:09:39,000
They're a hundred percent real.

210
00:09:40,500 --> 00:09:43,500
No, your tatts... toos,
your tattoos.

211
00:09:45,300 --> 00:09:46,100
Thanks.

212
00:09:46,900 --> 00:09:48,700
- You should get one.
- Wrong!

213
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:51,100
Ted has a classic clean-cut-look

214
00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:55,000
that never goes out of style
season after season, burn.

215
00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:58,100
Yeah? Well, I think he
would look hot with some ink.

216
00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:00,000
- No, he wouldn't.
- Yes, he would.

217
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:01,100
No, he wouldn't.

218
00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:05,900
I'm ready to do anything
you want by the way. Anything.

219
00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:07,600
Right now.

220
00:10:09,300 --> 00:10:11,600
Ted, who are you gonna side
with on this tattoo thing?

221
00:10:11,700 --> 00:10:14,100
I think I'd look
way hot with some ink.

222
00:10:14,300 --> 00:10:15,700
- Yeah, you would.
- Yeah.

223
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:19,700
Oh, my God!
Tyler?

224
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:22,200
Mommy! Daddy!
She's back!

225
00:10:23,300 --> 00:10:26,300
Damn it, they're supposed
to be in the Hamptons. Run!

226
00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:32,900
Sorry. I used to nanny for
those jerks before they fired me.

227
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:34,800
- So unfair.
- Unfair?

228
00:10:34,900 --> 00:10:37,300
I wouldn't let you take care of the
imaginary kids I make up

229
00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:38,800
to score with single moms.

230
00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:40,800
That's it, Ted.
We're going home.

231
00:10:43,500 --> 00:10:44,300
Ted?

232
00:10:45,700 --> 00:10:46,600
Ted, you okay?

233
00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:48,600
Hello, Ted.

234
00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:52,400
Robin and I are about to make fantastic
aquatic sex on this windsurfing board.

235
00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:55,200
And I just want to make sure
you're okay with this.

236
00:10:59,100 --> 00:11:03,600
- Okay, how do we this?
- I think your leg goes up, up...

237
00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:06,500
- Okay, how about if I, um...
- No, mine...

238
00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:07,600
I'm okay.

239
00:11:08,300 --> 00:11:10,000
In fact, here's how okay I am.

240
00:11:10,700 --> 00:11:14,000
- I'm getting a tattoo.
- You're not getting a tattoo,

241
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:15,000
it's not you.

242
00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:17,800
Ted, you are heading
down a dark path.

243
00:11:19,100 --> 00:11:21,200
That dark path is my driveway.

244
00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:25,100
But you need a plan
and you need a wingman!

245
00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:27,700
This is so going in my blog!

246
00:11:30,700 --> 00:11:32,000
Want to have sex?

247
00:11:34,300 --> 00:11:35,100
Okay.

248
00:11:37,300 --> 00:11:39,900
And underneath,
it should say, "I win."

249
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:43,200
And then it should have
flames coming out the bottom.

250
00:11:43,300 --> 00:11:44,100
Fire!

251
00:11:44,300 --> 00:11:45,900
We should start a fire.

252
00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:47,800
After this maybe.

253
00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:51,700
Oh, man, this is
going to be legend... Wait for it.

254
00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:53,400
<i>And that's all I remember.</i>

255
00:11:53,500 --> 00:11:56,000
<i>The next morning,
I woke up alone, back home.</i>

256
00:12:17,700 --> 00:12:19,600
Hey, buddy, how
was your night?

257
00:12:20,100 --> 00:12:21,500
You know, it was great.

258
00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:24,400
I met this crazy girl,
I almost got a tattoo.

259
00:12:24,700 --> 00:12:27,200
Don't worry.
I didn't, but it was...

260
00:12:27,300 --> 00:12:28,700
It was amazing.

261
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:31,900
I think it's safe to say,
I am winning this breakup.

262
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:34,900
Look.

263
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:37,200
Oh, my God.

264
00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:39,100
- What?
- Nothing.

265
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:40,600
This J. Crew catalog.

266
00:12:40,900 --> 00:12:43,500
Who brings two Golden
Retrievers in a canoe?

267
00:12:46,100 --> 00:12:48,500
- We got to call Barney.
- Way ahead of you.

268
00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:51,500
Hey, guys, what's
the big emergency?

269
00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:54,700
Oh, and B the W:
I am never speaking to Ted again.

270
00:12:54,700 --> 00:12:55,900
Really? Never?

271
00:12:56,100 --> 00:12:59,400
Not even if, say,
butterflies flew out of his ass?

272
00:12:59,900 --> 00:13:00,700
What?

273
00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:05,000
Ted? Could you grab me
the fondue pot?

274
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:09,500
He has no idea.

275
00:13:10,900 --> 00:13:13,300
- Mm-hmm.
- And up we go.

276
00:13:16,900 --> 00:13:17,800
Thank you.

277
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:19,400
What?

278
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:21,800
- Ted?
- Mm?

279
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:23,900
I came here
this morning because...

280
00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:28,500
- I want to apologize.
- Apology accepted, Barney.

281
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:32,700
As you can see, I do just fine on my own.
I don't need a baby-sitter.

282
00:13:32,700 --> 00:13:36,000
See, all this time, I thought you needed
a wingman to fly, but the truth is, you...

283
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:40,000
you've got your
own wings now.

284
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:43,700
Since you and Robin split,
you've been gestating.

285
00:13:45,100 --> 00:13:47,100
Growing in your cocoon.

286
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:51,700
And last night...
...you burst out of that cocoon

287
00:13:51,900 --> 00:13:55,300
like a...
like a majestic, uh...

288
00:13:55,900 --> 00:13:58,600
Gosh, what is it that
comes out of a cocoon?

289
00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:00,700
I was always bad at science.

290
00:14:00,700 --> 00:14:02,600
He's going to say it!

291
00:14:03,100 --> 00:14:04,200
A butterfly?

292
00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:08,700
- What?
- Nothing, buddy.

293
00:14:09,700 --> 00:14:11,500
Ow! Why did that hurt so...?

294
00:14:16,500 --> 00:14:17,700
Oh, my God!

295
00:14:20,700 --> 00:14:23,100
- I have a tattoo!
- Oh, that's not a tattoo.

296
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:25,800
That, dear boy,
is a tramp stamp.

297
00:14:25,900 --> 00:14:27,200
A tramp stamp.

298
00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:30,700
You know, a ho tag.
Ass antlers.

299
00:14:30,900 --> 00:14:33,200
A Panama City license plate.

300
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,500
<i>And suddenly,
it all came back to me.</i>

301
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:36,800
...dary!

302
00:14:37,100 --> 00:14:38,200
Legendary!

303
00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:43,000
Man, I am so winning
this breakup.

304
00:14:44,900 --> 00:14:47,100
I just broke up
with my boyfriend Steve.

305
00:14:47,100 --> 00:14:48,400
He was totally annoying.

306
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:50,700
He was, like, "I think you're the one,
I want to marry you."

307
00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:51,800
What a wuss.

308
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,100
Do you think
exes can be friends?

309
00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:59,000
Yeah, sure. I mean,
we're still friends, right, Steve?

310
00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:02,200
Hey, your name is Steve.

311
00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:04,700
And her ex-boyfriend's name is Steve.

312
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:07,300
What are the odds of that...?

313
00:15:07,700 --> 00:15:08,600
Wait.

314
00:15:11,700 --> 00:15:13,300
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

315
00:15:13,300 --> 00:15:14,400
Give me this.

316
00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:19,100
- Oh, yeah, that'll get it out.
- Maybe you should try club soda.

317
00:15:20,100 --> 00:15:23,200
Damn it, it really hurts. I need,
like, some ointment or something.

318
00:15:24,500 --> 00:15:26,300
Spanish massage oil.

319
00:15:28,500 --> 00:15:30,200
Spanish massage oil?

320
00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:35,400
What happened here last night?

321
00:15:37,300 --> 00:15:38,900
Last night got weird.

322
00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:09,000
Feel the emotions release.

323
00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:13,200
Think I just got over
being chunky in the ninth grade.

324
00:16:14,700 --> 00:16:16,300
You're beautiful.

325
00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:18,900
I am beautiful.

326
00:16:21,500 --> 00:16:24,100
Experience your food.

327
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:30,000
Try the mango.

328
00:16:34,300 --> 00:16:35,900
Okay, that's enough of the fruit.

329
00:16:37,100 --> 00:16:39,900
We're sorry, Ted.
It'll never happen again.

330
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:43,300
It meant nothing to us.
It just felt really, really, really good.

331
00:16:44,300 --> 00:16:47,000
I can't even look
at you two right now.

332
00:16:50,700 --> 00:16:52,900
He got a tramp stamp.

333
00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:05,100
All right, first of all,
this isn't one of those,

334
00:17:05,100 --> 00:17:07,500
"I came all the way over here
because I want you back" things.

335
00:17:07,700 --> 00:17:09,800
There'll be no startling
confession of love,

336
00:17:09,900 --> 00:17:12,700
no sweet indie rock song that
swells up we're about to kiss,

337
00:17:12,700 --> 00:17:14,300
- none of that crap. Got it?
- Okay.

338
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:15,900
Good.
Now, here's the thing.

339
00:17:16,900 --> 00:17:20,000
It sucks that you came back from Argentina
with someone as awesome as Gael.

340
00:17:20,100 --> 00:17:22,200
And I know I have no
right to be upset at you.

341
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:24,200
We're broken up,
life goes on, whatever.

342
00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:25,900
But you know what?
We-We never did this.

343
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:29,200
We-We had this polite breakup
with no irrational yelling, and...

344
00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:30,300
and that's just wrong!

345
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:33,200
So, I'm going to yell
irrationally for a little while,

346
00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:35,600
and you're just going to have to
stand there and deal with it, okay?

347
00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:38,500
- If you feel like you need to do that...
- I think I do!

348
00:17:38,500 --> 00:17:41,500
I really think I do!
So now I'm yelling!

349
00:17:43,700 --> 00:17:45,000
- You shaved.
- I did!

350
00:17:45,100 --> 00:17:46,800
- I liked the beard.
- I liked it, too,

351
00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:48,200
but it was getting kind of hot!

352
00:17:48,300 --> 00:17:50,600
Maybe in the winter,
I'll grow it back out!

353
00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:54,300
Okay, I'm done.

354
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:57,600
I know it was weird
showing up with Gael.

355
00:17:58,300 --> 00:17:59,300
I'm sorry.

356
00:18:01,300 --> 00:18:04,000
Look, us breaking up,
it was the right thing.

357
00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:06,700
But it took some time to
get over you, you know?

358
00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:08,500
I-I'm still getting over you.

359
00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:10,900
But you? You were over it the minute
they started the in-flight movie.

360
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:11,900
Over it?!

361
00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:15,600
My first three days in Argentina,
I cried my eyes out.

362
00:18:16,100 --> 00:18:17,800
I missed you so much.

363
00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:22,300
I wanted to go and prove how
adventurous I am, but the truth is...

364
00:18:22,500 --> 00:18:24,000
it was really lonely.

365
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:26,400
And that's why Gael happened.

366
00:18:27,700 --> 00:18:29,800
You weren't trying to win the breakup?

367
00:18:30,100 --> 00:18:31,800
I was trying to survive it.

368
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:38,200
See, look, that all sounds good,

369
00:18:38,300 --> 00:18:40,700
and we'll still be friends
and move on, but...

370
00:18:41,100 --> 00:18:42,800
did he have to be so hot?

371
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:45,500
- The guy's an Adonis.
- He's not an Adonis.

372
00:18:45,500 --> 00:18:49,600
He's the Cadillac of rebound guys.
Marshall has a crush on him!

373
00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:51,300
- The guy's perfect.
- He's not perfect.

374
00:18:51,300 --> 00:18:53,300
Oh, come on. He's hot,

375
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:56,500
he wind surfs,
he massages things.

376
00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:58,800
Name one way I'm better
than that guy.

377
00:18:59,700 --> 00:19:00,600
You're bigger.

378
00:19:00,700 --> 00:19:03,300
Don't patronize me. If anything,
he may even be a little bit taller.

379
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:06,100
No. Ted... you're bigger.

380
00:19:07,700 --> 00:19:08,500
I win!

381
00:19:09,900 --> 00:19:12,300
<i>Kids, I can't remember exactly
what helped me get through</i>

382
00:19:12,300 --> 00:19:14,200
<i>the whole Robin-Gael incident.</i>

383
00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:17,500
<i>I'm sure that it was something
profound and meaningful,</i>

384
00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:20,200
<i>and not at all macho and petty,</i>

385
00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:22,900
<i>but after that,
I was back on my feet.</i>

386
00:19:23,300 --> 00:19:25,700
<i>And what followed was
a new era in my life,</i>

387
00:19:25,700 --> 00:19:28,000
<i>a crazy time
unlike anything that ce before.</i>

388
00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:31,000
<i>It's funny looking back
at those days,</i>

389
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:33,900
<i>knowing now exactly
what I was heading towards.</i>

390
00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:36,800
<i>And what was heading
towards me.</i>

391
00:19:47,900 --> 00:19:49,100
Go for Barney.

392
00:19:49,100 --> 00:19:51,100
Hey, man, it's Marshall.

393
00:19:51,300 --> 00:19:53,800
Check your e-mail.
Sent you something.

394
00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:56,500
- What is it?
- Just a new Web site.

395
00:19:57,100 --> 00:19:58,900
Slapcountdown.com.

396
00:20:02,700 --> 00:20:03,900
What does this mean?

397
00:20:04,900 --> 00:20:06,100
Ma-Marshall?

398
00:20:14,500 --> 00:20:15,500
No.

399
00:20:17,100 --> 00:20:21,800
No!