Why does everyone in this cul-de-sac think it's OK
to let their stupid dogs run loose?
It's like Calcutta out there.
What are you doing?
Trying to round up any crap I can find
to regift this Christmas, like this little gem here...
last year's present from Bobby's uncle.
Racist uncle or drug dealer uncle?
Racist uncle.
Drug dealer uncle is now prison uncle.
Oh, right, because of detective cousin.
I miss Bobby's family.
Morning.
Wow. If you're wondering, you're too comfortable.
It's hot. I'm gonna go hop in your pool.
Hey, you know what's funny... funny-ha ha, and funny-err?
I slept in a red T-shirt,
And yet there's a little bit of blue lint in here.
Don't you dare smell that.
Oh, good. Now it's on my floor.
And no swimming. Jules and I are going to spin class,
and you've got to take care of Stan.
So when he gets up, you gotta change his diaper,
and then you gotta get him dressed.
You really don't think I could figure that out?
- I really don't. - Fine. Oh,
I love this. Can I have it?
Sure, but it counts as your Christmas present.
Deal. I am a saucy bitch. Bink!
Oh, Laurie's showing a house. I have to remind her
not to describe everything as "slammin'."
So this room is totally slammin'.
And by "slammin', I mean great. It's a great room.
I'm fine without all the blah-blah.
I've already seen the house a few times.
A few times?
I've got a few toe rings, I've got a few dads,
and I've been involved in a few domestic disputes.
You've seen this house eight times.
That's officially a buttload.
Uh, what can I do to fix this?
Oh, okay. Well...
No, I'm kidding. I don't care.
Come on, blah-blah,
show me that kitchen again, huh?
Come on, blah-blah! Come on!
You know, it's pretty crowded in here.
Let's just do that thing where we sit on the rowing machines
- without rowing and watch TV. - Oh, we can't.
I have my spinning outfit on,
- not my fake rowing outfit. - What's the difference?
- Wristbands and thicker undies. - Morning, chicas.
Drink in my new outfit.
Barb, you look like a bobsledder.
Well, I have sledded down a few bobs.
Hey! I see some new faces.
Dwayne's the best.
He's got a magical way of motivating people.
Saddle up, you fat, lazy cows!
Try harder, Carol!
Ah. Isn't this great?
Drinking a refreshing cup of Joe on a boat...
It's like we're in one of those fancy coffee commercials.
The old boat-in-a-parking lot coffee commercial. Classy.
Whoa, a little pricklier than usual, greystoke.
But you're still looking good...handsome.
God was not multitasking when he made you.
No, he wasn't building mountains
and making chick or not.
- He was focused. - How did we get here?
I don't know. Why so down?
I have something on my mind,
and I don't want to talk about it.
You know what might make you feel better?
My buddy Feisty just put a chainsaw
on the end of his rifle, kind of like a bayonet.
What do you say we head on down there
for a day of shooting things and slicin' 'em up?
Yeah, I'm not sure I'm up
for playing with someone's rifle-saw.
Rifle-saw!
That's a much better name for the saw-fle.
Ohh. Spin class guy was so hot.
I wanted to be his bike seat.
Oh. Hey, you need to move,
because if this area is gonna work again,
it needs to sit.
- Oh! That's not gonna happen. - Oh, no way.
Oh, Travis, take me upstairs and put me in a hot bath?
That's a sentence I was hoping not to hear until you were 70.
Here's your boy. You want to check him over,
make sure he's okay?
You really want me to trust you more with Stan?
How about you take him today? No instructions, nothing.
You really gonna trust me?
- I really am. Bye. - Huh. Oh, thanks, hon. That means a lot.
- Aw, that was sweet. - Yeah, she didn't mean it, though.
She wants to trust me. It's just not in her.
She's always gonna freak out if I bathe him wrong
or feed him wrong or pretend he's a top hat.
Hello, guvnor!
Incoming.
Forgot my purse.
Always look out for the purse.
They leave it behind like a little spy.
He called me "blah-blah."
I swear to god, Jules, I would have killed him,
but then we'd never sell that stupid house,
because no one wants to buy a murder house
except for my older sister Tina. She regrets it now, though,
because she says her house is haunted by a college professor
who turns all her clothes inside out
and steals her yogurt.
Sometimes Tina lies for attention, but this time,
I don't know. I believe her. There is just too much proof.
I'm gonna take a giant leap back
to the first thing that you said.
Look, Jeff is annoying,
but we're in the service business.
You know, Laurie, one of the things I've learned
as an award-winning real estate agent...
Wait, are you talking about that green business certificate
we got for changing all our lightbulbs?
It's an award. The point is,
we don't let our clients rattle us.
Jeff always rattles you.
No, he used to. Then my shrink told me
to think of him as a tiny little man who wears tiny little pants
who sometimes twirls a tiny little cane in his tiny little hand.
Your shrink sounds amazing.
He's a genius. So now tiny pants can do whatever he wants to,
because all I do is think about my commission
with a smile on my face.
The house feels empty.
That could be because it actually is empty.
Maybe. You look bored. Go play with your phone.
- Is she allowed to talk? - I don't encourage it.
Look, if I'm gonna buy this place,
I want to see how it feels with my furniture in here.
Let's do that.
Did he just order me to do something by waving his hand?
Tiny pants, Jules. Tiny pants!
- Right. - What?
Oh, nothing. Um, just...
In my head, you have on tiny pants.
- These are big pants. - In my head, they're tiny.
No, they're not.
Yeah, it does seem impossible, Jules.
Those are pretty big pants.
They're tiny, because in my head,
Jeff is...very tiny.
No, I'm...I'm big in your head. I'm like a giant.
Don't you dare tell me
what the size of things are in my head.
- I call the shots up here. - Yeah. This is Jules' world.
And you can't get in here, which means you can't get to me.
Is that clear?
Big pants, big belt, big shirt, big shoes.
All right, that's it. You can't buy the house,
because I won't let you!
I'm gonna buy the house, and I'm gonna burn it.
- I'm gonna burn it all! - Are you finished?
- Yeah. Let's go see the kitchen again. - Please.
Jeff thinks he's in my head. He is so not in my head.
No, of course not.
- Is that spin class boy? - Oh, my God.
He must be a jeans model for that cheesy store.
Or he loves his body and lives his life shirtless
no matter what anyone thinks,
like Matthew McConaughey.
Oh, how fun would it be
to go to a movie with a guy like that?
He would look so great at a movie.
So go ask him out.
Oh, I can't. He's way too young for me.
That pause was so that one of you could jump in
- and say, "No, he's not." - Fine.
He is young, but, um, I can sense from here
that he's an old soul.
- I can, too. - Well, there you go. I have to make a call.
Stan's fine. Quit checking up on me.
I know how to take care of our son.
Okay. Love you.
Hello? Oh.
What is this?
It's a play area I built for Stan
so I can take a nap.
- That's a baby cage. - It's a play area.
I just need you to keep an eye out for Ellie.
- There's 20 bucks in it for you. - Feels wrong.
Grow a pair. It's totally safe.
Except for the glass table.
Oh, you're right. He might try to fight his reflection.
I'd like to see that.
What? I rang the bell.
Yeah, most people still wait to be let in.
Sounds like a time-waster.
Look, you're my friend, and I want to know what's bugging you.
- I still don't want to talk about it. - When I was married,
you want to know what Jules always said to me?
"Please stop sleeping with other women"?
She said that when men say
they don't want to talk about something,
it means that they really do want to talk.
They just don't want to be vulnerable.
- I just want you to leave me alone. - But you're a man.
How do I know that's what you really want?
- It is a pickle. - I know.
You really are a space invader.
Whoa! What the hell?
Oh! Oh, it's my bad. I left the door open.
Th-there are dogs in my house!
Fine, but after I get 'em out, we're finishing this.
Come on, guys. Come on.
Come on. Here we go. Come on.
Open till 7:00. All right, I'm gonna make note of that.
Hi. Aren't you in my spin class?
Yeah. I'm Ryan.
Hi, Ryan. I almost named my son Ryan...
Not that I have a son,
which I do.
She's not doing bad. Usually when she gets nervous,
she pulls out Henger guns. Whoop, there they are.
Make it stop. Just make it stop.
Jules! Put the guns away!
He's gonna call.
Ah. So you gave him your number?
Nice baby cage.
Not a baby cage. It's a play area.
There.
And now he can drink anytime he wants.
Like a gerbil.
G-man, I brought you over here to prove a point.
Now no matter how hard it is, friends share things.
Andy, tough share right now.
Uh, this is not my real nose.
Boom! Trav, you're up.
- Pass. - Fine, I'll go.
Just yesterday my little dudes got rejected from a sperm bank.
Turns out that the lion's share can't swim for beans.
It might be because on your boat,
you use your microwave as a stool.
Heats me up nice on a cold night.
- Now it's your turn. Spill it. - No, thanks.
Here it comes.
That is the coolest thing I have ever seen.
Ah, he loves it!
Okay, this is the house at night.
It's very similar to the house at day,
only darker, and my feet hurt, so I'm wearing slippers.
Is that why you're smaller?
Or am I just making you tiny in my head?
Okay, my new therapist told me do not engage with you.
Well, this won't be long.
I have to meet, uh, what's-her-name for tapas.
Jeff, why aren't you buying this house, hmm?
It is perfect for you. It's like a sex castle.
There's plenty of closet space for all your condoms
and body sprays.
Plus in the morning there's a huge shower
in the master to wash away all your shame.
You're single.
Are you telling me that you're not playing around
with some young guy?
Well, I do have a date tomorrow
with a slightly younger fellow.
Ah. And would you like to tell me
- what he does for a living? - I would not.
Jules, just own it. It's so freeing.
He's a topless jeans model.
Is he one of the average-looking guys
that they keep inside the store, or is he one of the studs
that they parade out front?
Out front.
Stay away from me! I'm not your friend!
You don't own this neighborhood!
Wake up! Wake up! She's here!
What's going on?
Here. Here. Act awake.
Hey. There she is. Did you miss us?
A little. What's that?
It's a fort.
Jeff, you have seen this house ten times.
You love it? You hate it? I don't even care anymore.
Best sales pitch ever. Look, the place is perfect,
But nobody wants to be that creepy 40-year-old
who lives alone in a big house.
Mm. I get that.
Yeah, I...I don't like to be alone in my house.
I honestly don't know what I'm gonna do
when my son goes off to college.
He's not really big on the idea of us
getting an apartment together,
even though I said I'd only live there on the weekends.
Well, he's missing out.
My mom and I roomed together when I was in college,
- and it was an amazing experience. - Really?
Yeah. We spooned at night and took baths together.
I don't regret a thing.
Do you enjoy mocking me?
For some reason, more than anything.
Wow, you're really close.
This only works if I'm close.
So, um...
Was that better than your mom?
It's tough to beat mom.
I...I've had some time to think about what you did,
- and I don't like it. - It's been 30 seconds.
Yeah, and a lot's changed.
Now I'm mad.
Nobody likes a sneak kiss, Jeff,
especially during flu season.
You kissed back pretty hard.
Well, I was trying to push you away with my mouth.
Stop overthinking everything.
I am really not a fan of people telling me what to do.
Just shush for a second.
Shushing, on the other hand,
gets my panties right off... seriously, bam, just like that.
Okay. Look, since I'm courting you,
I'll let you be in control for a second. You ready?
Ready.
I'd like to see if there's something real between us.
What do you say?
So I told him he was an arrogant jerk.
I redid my lipstick, and I left.
Good. So forget him
and go have fun with spin class jeans boy.
I will forget about him,
and I will have fun with spin class jean boy.
Why is there a dog in my house?
Mm, my fault. I keep forgetting to close doors. Come on!
Where's the baby cage?
Ellie was a little suspicious,
so I had to devise a new system.
See, Stan's an explorer like Magellan or...Dora.
So I've given him 18 feet of slack
and removed all sharp objects.
So he can wander safely in any direction.
It's pretty taut right now,
so I'm guessing he's in the kitchen.
I can't decide if you're a really good dad
or a really bad one.
I am both, and I am neither.
Hey, G-Man.
We're not open for business yet.
You and me are open for business.
Today's the day you spill the beans, brother.
Why won't you listen to me?
I feel like if I told you that this coffee pot was scalding hot,
you'd still touch it right away.
Now you obviously know I want to be left alone,
but you just plow through every signal I give you.
You lied, man. This ain't hot.
- Just leave, please. - Fine, all right.
Look, man, I just thought that we'd gotten to be so close,
that, you know, if you were ever hurtin',
I'd be your go-to guy. But guess I was wrong.
Are you really trying to make me feel bad about this?
- Because it's not working. - Yes, it is.
So what do you think of this place?
I like the way the floor really gripe my shoes,
Plus it smells kind of good in here...tangy.
We'll go get us some beers.
Great.
And bring us nachos, or we're not making out later.
How do you know Ryan's friend?
Those are the first words I've ever spoken to him.
Are you okay? You seem a little mopey.
No! This is fun.
I mean, Ryan is super pretty.
Plus he's not at all afraid of cologne.
And you know, it's only been 20 minutes,
but I've learned so much
about "The Real World/ Road rules challenge."
Let's cross our fingers,
that his application gets accepted this year!
You want to kill yourself, don't you?
So badly.
Lunch time. Reel him in.
All right. Come to papa, big boy.
He's strong, like his daddy.
Oh, hey, sweetie. You're home.
I'm gonna go decide what your consequences are.
Sounds like a plan.
Plus I don't want Stan to witness the murder of his father.
That's how Batman became Batman.
Shut up.
I should have had fun with spin class jean boy.
I just couldn't.
Yeah, I think you dodged a bullet, 'cause after you left,
I went back to his apartment with him and his friend,
and they spent most of the time making out with each other.
Oh! I would have liked to have seen that.
It was pretty hot. I tried to get in there,
but they weren't having any of it.
You know this is about that guy Jeff, right?
If I had a connection with Jeff, I'd dive in.
- You want to know how I see it? - No.
You're not diving in because there is a connection.
- Ooh! - It's quiet time for you.
This guy Jeff is not some young, bisexual jeans model.
He's a grown-up, and that makes it real.
I don't think Ryan was...bi.
I'm not ready for something real.
"Real" means getting hurt.
Am I in a different conversation?
Almost always.
Jules, don't blow this because you're scared. It's stupid.
Oh! Okay.
Hey, man, is this a bad time?
Yeah. I'm doing something important.
Yeah, that was a good one.
What's shaking?
My ex-wife had her baby.
Boy or girl?
Boy. She named him Tristan.
You really wanted kids, didn't you?
More than anything.
That is heavy stuff.
Honestly, I'm a little uncomfortable right now.
Me, too.
Still glad you told me, though.
Actually wanted to talk about it the whole time.
I know, brother. Want a beer?
I want a thousand beers.
- Thanks. - Yeah.
- Tristan's a stupid name. - No doubt.
All right, I'm ready. Bring the pain.
You know what? Maybe you're too easygoing with Stan,
and I'm too neurotic.
Still, I think that balance is what makes us
work well as parents. We're a team,
and so I'm just gonna let this one go.
That's nice.
Why is Stan wearing a hat?
He loves it. It's his hatty hat.
Is that a cut?
It's not my fault. I was coming back from Jules,
and I got spooked by a dog and fell into some bushes.
On your watch! Ha ha ha ha!
You realize you're celebrating your son being hurt?
Is he hurt badly?
No, it's just a scratch.
Ha ha! Suck it!
You wanted to talk to me?
Yes. I realized that I have never pointed out
that this room has exposed beams.
What are you doing?
All right, I'm nervous, so I need to go through
the ritual of showing you the house.
Fine. Okay, um, tell me about the place.
Well, um, these are the original hardwood floors.
And, uh, you know what?
I'm better.
Hold still.
Okay, not completely still. That's weird.
Sorry. Um, I'm nervous, too.
Be nice to me, okay?
- I will. - Good. Okay, I was feeling a little cocky,
so I had someone drop me off.
- You want to take me to dinner? - Ugh.
- What? - Uh, what's-her-name's in my car.
- Unbelievable. - Oh, come on. We'll look,
we'll break up with her together.
Okay, fine, but I am not riding in the back.
- Hey, you guys ready? - Yeah, let's do this.
One two three...ah...
Okay, one two three.
It's slower than I thought, but it's still fun.
You want to go next?
- No. - Your loss.
Oh, so cheer - mother...
I'm surrounded by dogs and idiots.