1
00:00:05,517 --> 00:00:07,118
Oh, God!
2
00:00:07,152 --> 00:00:10,287
See, this is why
I do not play basketball.
3
00:00:10,322 --> 00:00:13,057
You fell running back from
the souvlaki truck.
4
00:00:13,091 --> 00:00:15,226
Davis, hurry up!
Yeah.
5
00:00:15,260 --> 00:00:16,560
I'm coming! I'm coming!
6
00:00:16,595 --> 00:00:18,028
Whoa.
7
00:00:20,198 --> 00:00:23,934
Come on, I think there's
some Band-Aids in
the bathroom.
8
00:00:25,804 --> 00:00:27,238
I don't know
what that was,
9
00:00:27,272 --> 00:00:30,174
but it wasn't hummus.
10
00:00:30,208 --> 00:00:34,678
Well, what do
we have here?
11
00:00:34,713 --> 00:00:35,946
Hey, guys.
12
00:00:35,981 --> 00:00:37,214
Zack, this is Nicole.
13
00:00:37,249 --> 00:00:39,617
She's the best baby nurse
in the whole city.
14
00:00:39,651 --> 00:00:41,118
The couple she was
supposed to work for
15
00:00:41,153 --> 00:00:43,287
just got indicted for fraud, so,
they don't need a baby nurse,
16
00:00:43,321 --> 00:00:45,890
'cause their baby nurse
is now the State of California.
17
00:00:46,691 --> 00:00:47,758
Isn't that great?
18
00:00:47,792 --> 00:00:48,792
Yeah. Nice to meet you.
19
00:00:48,827 --> 00:00:49,793
What's a baby nurse?
20
00:00:49,828 --> 00:00:50,995
Oh.
21
00:00:51,029 --> 00:00:52,463
She'll be spending
the night with us
22
00:00:52,497 --> 00:00:54,064
for the first couple weeks
to help us out.
23
00:00:54,099 --> 00:00:56,267
And if she's not here,
my mother will be here,
24
00:00:56,301 --> 00:00:59,470
so I don't think I need
to finish that thought.
25
00:01:00,972 --> 00:01:02,773
Oh, what happened
to your knee?
26
00:01:02,807 --> 00:01:06,010
Oh, just, you know,
sports injury.
27
00:01:07,112 --> 00:01:09,914
Damn, my extreme
manly athleticism.
28
00:01:09,948 --> 00:01:12,683
Oh, my God, it's
really bleeding!
29
00:01:12,717 --> 00:01:14,652
Oh, okay, why don't I
help you with that?
30
00:01:14,686 --> 00:01:15,753
Oh.
31
00:01:15,787 --> 00:01:19,290
I also have a spider bite
on my tushy.
32
00:01:20,892 --> 00:01:24,328
She's so fantastic, I didn't
even interview anyone else.
33
00:01:24,362 --> 00:01:25,896
She just knocked it
out of the park.
34
00:01:25,931 --> 00:01:27,598
I've got a nursing degree
from Cal,
35
00:01:27,632 --> 00:01:29,500
a long list of
references,
36
00:01:29,534 --> 00:01:30,634
and for what it's worth,
37
00:01:30,669 --> 00:01:32,269
I think you're going
to be a great mother.
38
00:01:33,305 --> 00:01:35,105
And I'd never believe
you were 37.
39
00:01:35,140 --> 00:01:37,708
You're hired.
40
00:01:41,146 --> 00:01:44,448
What made you decide to do this?
41
00:01:44,482 --> 00:01:45,783
My mom called and she's like,
42
00:01:45,817 --> 00:01:47,484
"You're never going to be
able to handle a baby."
43
00:01:47,519 --> 00:01:48,619
I'm like, "Are you calling me
44
00:01:48,653 --> 00:01:50,054
just to make me feel bad
about myself?"
45
00:01:50,088 --> 00:01:51,922
She's like, "No, I'm calling
to pay for a baby nurse."
46
00:01:51,957 --> 00:01:54,325
So I'm like, "All right.
I love you. Bye."
47
00:01:55,594 --> 00:01:57,628
How's that?
48
00:02:01,366 --> 00:02:03,500
Perfect.
49
00:02:08,340 --> 00:02:09,807
I'm telling you, Zack,
50
00:02:09,841 --> 00:02:11,108
she is our savior.
51
00:02:11,142 --> 00:02:12,810
You and I've been
doing things all wrong.
52
00:02:12,844 --> 00:02:15,279
All wrong.
53
00:02:15,313 --> 00:02:16,313
Like that changing table...
54
00:02:16,381 --> 00:02:17,715
What's wrong
with the changing table?
55
00:02:17,749 --> 00:02:18,983
I built that changing table.
56
00:02:19,017 --> 00:02:21,418
Nicole said
it's a death trap.
57
00:02:21,453 --> 00:02:22,553
It's fine.
58
00:02:22,587 --> 00:02:25,823
My mom used to change me
on a hibachi grill.
59
00:02:26,825 --> 00:02:29,760
She also said you'd make
a sarcastic remark.
60
00:02:29,794 --> 00:02:33,497
Did she say I'd make
an obscene gesture?
61
00:02:39,137 --> 00:02:41,772
Some nurse lady I
don't even know
62
00:02:41,806 --> 00:02:43,440
is in there baby
proofing.
63
00:02:43,475 --> 00:02:44,642
You know how
hard it is
64
00:02:44,676 --> 00:02:46,176
to take a pee
in the middle of the night
65
00:02:46,211 --> 00:02:48,212
with a lock on your toilet?
66
00:02:48,246 --> 00:02:50,681
Dude, I can see
how you might feel
67
00:02:50,715 --> 00:02:52,216
like she's encroaching
on your turf,
68
00:02:52,250 --> 00:02:55,052
but you got to look at it
like this, man...
69
00:02:55,086 --> 00:02:57,621
she is hot.
70
00:02:58,590 --> 00:03:00,557
I mean, what does a
baby nurse even do?
71
00:03:00,592 --> 00:03:02,192
In the middle
of the night,
72
00:03:02,227 --> 00:03:05,396
she squeezes Billie's breasts
to get the milk out.
73
00:03:06,865 --> 00:03:08,132
Are you ready, Billie?
74
00:03:08,166 --> 00:03:09,133
Are you kidding?
75
00:03:09,167 --> 00:03:11,535
This is my favorite
time of night.
76
00:03:19,544 --> 00:03:21,745
See? I feel like I should
be consulted
77
00:03:21,780 --> 00:03:24,715
on who's squeezing
Billie's breasts at night.
78
00:03:24,749 --> 00:03:26,317
Well, I'm glad you're open
to suggestion,
79
00:03:26,351 --> 00:03:29,253
because I would like to throw
my hat into the ring.
80
00:03:29,287 --> 00:03:31,889
I mean, come on, Zack, like you
wouldn't have chosen Nicole?
81
00:03:31,923 --> 00:03:32,990
No, I wouldn't have, man.
82
00:03:33,024 --> 00:03:36,260
She's got the crazy eyes.
83
00:03:36,294 --> 00:03:36,327
Remember that girl I dated
a couple times last year--
84
00:03:38,129 --> 00:03:39,296
Candy?
85
00:03:39,331 --> 00:03:40,631
Oh, Candy.
86
00:03:40,665 --> 00:03:42,666
I miss Candy.
87
00:03:42,701 --> 00:03:44,168
Well, this chick Nicole gives me
88
00:03:44,202 --> 00:03:46,236
the same crazy vibe
that Candy did.
89
00:03:46,271 --> 00:03:47,571
Oh, hey!
90
00:03:47,605 --> 00:03:48,839
Nicole, is it?
91
00:03:48,873 --> 00:03:50,574
Remember me
fr the bathroom?
92
00:03:50,608 --> 00:03:52,476
Knee's never been better.
93
00:03:52,510 --> 00:03:54,178
I can kick, I can jump.
94
00:03:54,212 --> 00:03:56,580
Ah! Hammy.
95
00:03:56,614 --> 00:03:58,549
Dude, settle.
96
00:03:58,583 --> 00:04:00,050
Come on, let's go
to Furniken
97
00:04:00,085 --> 00:04:01,452
so we can return
the changing table.
98
00:04:01,486 --> 00:04:02,820
Oh, yeah, just give
me an hour or two
99
00:04:02,854 --> 00:04:04,121
and then I'll take it apart.
100
00:04:04,155 --> 00:04:05,589
Oh, I did it already.
101
00:04:05,623 --> 00:04:07,624
It took me, like,
three minutes.
102
00:04:07,659 --> 00:04:08,492
(under breath):
Three minutes?
103
00:04:08,526 --> 00:04:09,493
I love you.
104
00:04:09,527 --> 00:04:11,195
I mean, thank you.
Oh, screw it,
105
00:04:11,229 --> 00:04:13,731
I frickin' love you.
106
00:04:13,765 --> 00:04:15,032
So, Abby and Olivia
107
00:04:15,066 --> 00:04:16,400
are going to meet us
at Furniken,
108
00:04:16,434 --> 00:04:18,202
'cause Olivia has to pick out
a present for her mom.
109
00:04:18,236 --> 00:04:20,237
Ah, the whole day
with just us girls?
110
00:04:20,271 --> 00:04:21,905
Maybe our periods will sync up.
111
00:04:24,175 --> 00:04:26,543
Okay...
112
00:04:26,578 --> 00:04:29,480
usually when we leave,
you guys leave, so...
113
00:04:29,514 --> 00:04:30,581
(TV playing)
114
00:04:30,615 --> 00:04:33,350
Who wants to race me
to the door?
115
00:04:33,385 --> 00:04:35,486
Uh-uh, I don't
think so, Mama.
116
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:37,988
It's March Madness, and you've
got the sports package.
117
00:04:38,022 --> 00:04:40,057
I do not have
the sports package.
118
00:04:40,091 --> 00:04:41,291
What is he talking about?
119
00:04:41,326 --> 00:04:43,894
ZACK:
I bought it
without asking you.
120
00:04:43,928 --> 00:04:45,863
Imagine that.
121
00:04:46,865 --> 00:04:48,665
All right, listen.
122
00:04:48,700 --> 00:04:50,334
(guys groan)
123
00:04:50,368 --> 00:04:52,336
Stay away from Nicole.
124
00:04:52,370 --> 00:04:53,804
Do not talk to her,
125
00:04:53,838 --> 00:04:56,774
do not accidentally grind
on her as she walks by.
126
00:04:56,808 --> 00:04:58,809
And don't do that thing
where you fake choke
127
00:04:58,843 --> 00:05:01,512
so that she has to give you
mouth-to-mouth.
128
00:05:01,546 --> 00:05:03,747
I was really choking.
129
00:05:03,782 --> 00:05:06,784
You had an erection.
130
00:05:07,685 --> 00:05:09,586
Everybody has that.
131
00:05:09,621 --> 00:05:11,822
It's called a near-death
erection.
132
00:05:11,856 --> 00:05:15,926
Well, you're going to have
another near-death erection
133
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:19,096
if you bother Nicole.
134
00:05:20,665 --> 00:05:24,701
Do not even think about it.
135
00:05:24,736 --> 00:05:26,670
Ease up, brain sheriff.
136
00:05:26,704 --> 00:05:28,472
I won't even think about it.
137
00:05:31,376 --> 00:05:33,877
It's kind of hot in here.
138
00:05:39,517 --> 00:05:41,084
Yeah, I'm thinking about it.
139
00:05:42,387 --> 00:05:45,122
♪ I can't be anything
without you. ♪
140
00:05:45,156 --> 00:05:48,292
Accidentally on Purpose1x16
Face Off
Original Air Date on April 7, 2010
141
00:05:48,302 --> 00:05:51,202
-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for addic7ed.com --
142
00:05:51,268 --> 00:05:53,970
♪ ♪
143
00:05:54,048 --> 00:05:56,549
Oh, my God!
144
00:05:56,583 --> 00:05:59,452
Nicole packed me almonds.
145
00:05:59,486 --> 00:06:02,021
"Don't forget your Kegels!"
(blows raspberry)
146
00:06:02,056 --> 00:06:03,556
Those are these
exercises you do
147
00:06:03,590 --> 00:06:04,757
to strengthen your
pelvic floor muscles.
148
00:06:04,792 --> 00:06:06,259
Yeah, you told me.
149
00:06:06,293 --> 00:06:08,861
Makes your vagina bionic.
150
00:06:08,896 --> 00:06:10,663
I'm going to go
grab us a number.
151
00:06:10,697 --> 00:06:12,398
Zack, get those chairs before
the family gets in there.
152
00:06:12,433 --> 00:06:14,033
That old lady looks tired.
Go, go!
153
00:06:15,202 --> 00:06:18,037
I need to buy my mum
a birthday present.
154
00:06:18,072 --> 00:06:20,973
What do you get an angry
65-year-old Scottish alcoholic
155
00:06:21,008 --> 00:06:24,010
who has everything because
she's also a kleptomaniac?
156
00:06:24,044 --> 00:06:26,079
Oh, I'm sure
you'll find something,
157
00:06:26,113 --> 00:06:27,747
because you are
in the right place.
158
00:06:27,781 --> 00:06:30,616
Swedes are known for their
festive kitchen items.
159
00:06:30,651 --> 00:06:31,884
How do you know that?
160
00:06:31,919 --> 00:06:33,519
Oh, I love this place.
161
00:06:33,554 --> 00:06:35,688
Ever since I bought my first
Furniken cookie sheet,
162
00:06:35,722 --> 00:06:37,723
I have been fascinated
with Nordic culture.
163
00:06:37,758 --> 00:06:38,825
Did you know
164
00:06:38,859 --> 00:06:42,061
that Vikings invented
nonconsensual sex?
165
00:06:44,431 --> 00:06:45,765
141.
166
00:06:45,799 --> 00:06:48,034
And they are on ten.
167
00:06:48,068 --> 00:06:50,636
If we estimate five minutes
for every person in here,
168
00:06:50,671 --> 00:06:52,105
I'll be giving birth
in this chair.
169
00:06:52,139 --> 00:06:55,308
If my water breaks,
I'm cutting in line.
170
00:06:56,477 --> 00:06:58,578
Oh, this is great.
I'd much rather be here
171
00:06:58,612 --> 00:07:00,813
than watching basketball
with my friends.
172
00:07:00,848 --> 00:07:02,448
Okay, that's like
the fourth snarky thing
173
00:07:02,483 --> 00:07:03,816
you've said in the
last ten minutes.
174
00:07:03,851 --> 00:07:05,318
And you're ruining
the word snarky for me,
175
00:07:05,352 --> 00:07:08,321
'cause here a snarky is fried
dough dipped in powdered sugar.
176
00:07:08,355 --> 00:07:11,390
Look, I'm just kind of pissed
about this whole Nicole thing.
177
00:07:11,425 --> 00:07:13,759
At least you could've discussed
it with me before you hired her.
178
00:07:13,794 --> 00:07:14,927
I had to move fast.
179
00:07:14,962 --> 00:07:16,596
There were other
couples after her.
180
00:07:16,630 --> 00:07:18,397
Okay, let me ask you this:
181
00:07:18,432 --> 00:07:21,033
What if you came home and found
out that I had hired somebody
182
00:07:21,068 --> 00:07:23,035
to take care of something
without asking you?
183
00:07:23,070 --> 00:07:26,772
Like, I don't know,
a sex person.
184
00:07:26,807 --> 00:07:27,840
"A sex person?"
185
00:07:27,875 --> 00:07:29,909
Yeah, you walk in
and me and some girl
186
00:07:29,943 --> 00:07:32,111
5Pare going to town on each othr
and I look over at you and say,
187
00:07:32,146 --> 00:07:34,947
"It's okay, Billie.
My mom's paying for this!"
188
00:07:34,982 --> 00:07:36,849
I would be happy
189
00:07:36,884 --> 00:07:40,653
that your mom is finally willing
to pony up some money.
190
00:07:40,687 --> 00:07:43,222
It's just, if you
would've included,
191
00:07:43,257 --> 00:07:45,324
I could've told you
that I had a gut feeling
192
00:07:45,359 --> 00:07:47,560
that something was wrong
with Nicole.
193
00:07:47,594 --> 00:07:50,263
Nicole is sweet
and nurturing,
194
00:07:50,297 --> 00:07:51,564
and an excellent choice.
195
00:07:51,598 --> 00:07:53,666
And my gut is three times
the size of yours.
196
00:07:53,700 --> 00:07:55,368
So, my gut is smarter.
197
00:07:59,573 --> 00:08:01,240
Apple sauce, milady?
198
00:08:01,275 --> 00:08:02,408
No, thank you.
199
00:08:02,442 --> 00:08:03,843
I'm going to stick with water.
200
00:08:03,877 --> 00:08:05,811
Mmm.
201
00:08:05,846 --> 00:08:07,380
Oh.
202
00:08:07,414 --> 00:08:08,981
I'm such a klutz.
203
00:08:09,016 --> 00:08:11,717
(heavy breathing)
204
00:08:13,620 --> 00:08:16,889
You really work up a sweat
baby proofing.
205
00:08:16,924 --> 00:08:18,124
Yes.
206
00:08:18,158 --> 00:08:21,260
The ventilation is subpar.
207
00:08:25,098 --> 00:08:26,499
So, who's playing?
208
00:08:26,533 --> 00:08:28,301
Uh, uh, Texas and
Marquette.
209
00:08:28,335 --> 00:08:29,769
Who are you guys
rooting for?
210
00:08:29,803 --> 00:08:32,505
I need Texas and
Ryan needs Marquette.
211
00:08:32,539 --> 00:08:33,906
So do you guys want
to do a three-way?
212
00:08:33,941 --> 00:08:36,542
Whoa!
213
00:08:37,644 --> 00:08:39,645
Oh. Uh...
214
00:08:39,680 --> 00:08:42,315
that is so sweet.
215
00:08:42,349 --> 00:08:43,950
Uh...
216
00:08:43,984 --> 00:08:46,219
Oh, uh...
217
00:08:46,253 --> 00:08:48,821
for legal reasons, I think
we should clarify here.
218
00:08:48,855 --> 00:08:50,323
Okay?
219
00:08:50,357 --> 00:08:53,559
Now, are you are talking
about you having sex
with the both of us
220
00:08:53,594 --> 00:08:55,595
at the same time?
221
00:08:55,629 --> 00:08:58,164
Yes.
222
00:08:58,198 --> 00:09:02,201
Now, are you willing to sign
something to that effect?
223
00:09:04,004 --> 00:09:06,472
Look, I'm going to go
take a shower.
224
00:09:06,506 --> 00:09:09,742
And if you're naked
when I get back....
225
00:09:11,111 --> 00:09:14,313
...I'll know we're on.
226
00:09:25,859 --> 00:09:28,828
Dude, what are you doing?!
227
00:09:28,862 --> 00:09:30,062
What are you doing?
228
00:09:30,097 --> 00:09:31,197
When you roll with the big dog,
229
00:09:31,231 --> 00:09:34,333
this is the kind of
stuff that happens.
230
00:09:34,368 --> 00:09:36,269
This has never happened to you.
231
00:09:36,303 --> 00:09:37,603
I know, I'm scared.
232
00:09:37,638 --> 00:09:39,672
What do you think
we should do?
233
00:09:39,706 --> 00:09:42,275
Relax, okay, we don't have
to make any decisions yet.
234
00:09:42,309 --> 00:09:44,176
But just to be safe,
235
00:09:44,211 --> 00:09:46,746
I'm gonna go hose down
the undercarriage.
236
00:09:48,615 --> 00:09:50,683
Yeah, that's a good call.
237
00:09:52,219 --> 00:09:54,453
I'd love to get a new couch.
238
00:09:54,488 --> 00:09:56,522
But Nick can't part with ours.
239
00:09:56,556 --> 00:09:58,057
Our cat had kittens on it
240
00:09:58,091 --> 00:10:00,126
and then a couple years later,
Nick's grandmother died
241
00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:02,161
on that couch.
242
00:10:02,195 --> 00:10:03,362
Why?
243
00:10:03,397 --> 00:10:06,699
Were you telling one
of your fascinating stories?
244
00:10:06,733 --> 00:10:08,701
Someone's in a mood.
245
00:10:08,735 --> 00:10:10,236
I think buying a gift
246
00:10:10,270 --> 00:10:11,570
for your mother
is bringing
247
00:10:11,605 --> 00:10:13,839
some dark stuff up
to the surface.
248
00:10:13,874 --> 00:10:17,143
Every year I buy her
a gift and send it off,
249
00:10:17,177 --> 00:10:19,779
and she finds some
reason to hate it.
250
00:10:19,813 --> 00:10:21,814
Well, then why do
you keep doing it?
251
00:10:21,848 --> 00:10:23,616
Because she's my mum!
252
00:10:27,421 --> 00:10:29,555
Olivia?
253
00:10:31,391 --> 00:10:34,193
Olivia, come on,
open the door.
254
00:10:34,227 --> 00:10:37,396
(crying):
No, I'm never coming out!
255
00:10:40,367 --> 00:10:41,801
(sighs)
256
00:10:43,036 --> 00:10:45,137
Oh...
257
00:10:47,774 --> 00:10:50,042
Hells bells.
258
00:10:50,077 --> 00:10:51,911
121.
259
00:10:51,945 --> 00:10:54,113
Yay! We're in the 120s.
260
00:10:54,147 --> 00:10:55,181
Let's get everything ready.
261
00:10:55,215 --> 00:10:56,182
Do you have the receipt?
262
00:10:56,216 --> 00:10:57,717
I thought you had it.
263
00:10:57,751 --> 00:10:59,018
Crap.
264
00:10:59,052 --> 00:11:00,720
Riccola.
265
00:11:00,754 --> 00:11:02,688
Dry hair shampoo.
266
00:11:02,723 --> 00:11:05,524
Button that exploded
off my pants.
267
00:11:05,592 --> 00:11:06,859
Condom?
268
00:11:06,893 --> 00:11:08,527
Oh, there you are.
269
00:11:08,562 --> 00:11:10,596
Eight months too late.
270
00:11:12,499 --> 00:11:14,266
Damn, I must have left it
at the apartment.
271
00:11:14,301 --> 00:11:16,268
Zack!
What?
272
00:11:16,303 --> 00:11:18,070
Call Nicole.
273
00:11:18,939 --> 00:11:20,973
Nicole taught me how to do that.
274
00:11:21,007 --> 00:11:24,210
(cell phone buzzing,
water running)
275
00:11:25,746 --> 00:11:27,413
She's not picking up.
276
00:11:27,447 --> 00:11:28,814
Oh, that's great.
277
00:11:28,849 --> 00:11:30,649
Hey, Nicole, I was just calling
to check on my baby,
278
00:11:30,684 --> 00:11:32,051
but you're not
there, so...
279
00:11:32,085 --> 00:11:33,586
maybe you sold it.
280
00:11:33,620 --> 00:11:35,654
I'm sure there's a reasonable
explanation.
281
00:11:35,689 --> 00:11:37,690
I don't just jump
to those conclusions,
282
00:11:37,724 --> 00:11:39,392
because unlike you,
I have life experience.
283
00:11:39,426 --> 00:11:42,461
Yeah, you're old,
I got it.
284
00:11:42,496 --> 00:11:45,364
I'm just saying,
I know people.
285
00:11:45,399 --> 00:11:47,299
And Nicole is a really
good person.
286
00:11:47,334 --> 00:11:50,669
Nicole's a really
dirty person.
287
00:11:50,704 --> 00:11:52,772
She's been in there
a really long time.
288
00:11:52,806 --> 00:11:55,040
And she's probably really soapy.
289
00:11:58,211 --> 00:12:00,279
God, man, what happens if
we, like, make eye contact?
290
00:12:00,313 --> 00:12:02,348
I was having some
291
00:12:02,382 --> 00:12:05,851
"Davis time" in the bathroom
last week,
292
00:12:05,886 --> 00:12:08,954
made eye contact with
myself in the mirror.
293
00:12:08,989 --> 00:12:11,557
Mirror me looked at the real me
294
00:12:11,591 --> 00:12:15,561
and made this really
disgusting face.
295
00:12:16,963 --> 00:12:17,963
Neither of us stopped, though.
296
00:12:17,998 --> 00:12:20,900
We both just powered through.
297
00:12:20,934 --> 00:12:23,202
Now, whenever I catch myself
in the mirror,
298
00:12:23,236 --> 00:12:25,805
there's this really
weird hatred.
299
00:12:25,839 --> 00:12:27,106
But also attraction.
300
00:12:27,140 --> 00:12:28,374
It's very awkward.
301
00:12:28,408 --> 00:12:32,445
Davis, man, there is
a girl in there!
302
00:12:32,479 --> 00:12:34,747
(cell phone rings)
303
00:12:34,781 --> 00:12:37,082
Hello?
304
00:12:37,117 --> 00:12:38,350
Hey, dude, question.
305
00:12:38,385 --> 00:12:40,319
Can you check the apartment,
see if we left the receipt?
306
00:12:40,353 --> 00:12:43,289
Yeah, sure, no problem.
307
00:12:43,323 --> 00:12:45,758
I have a question for you.
308
00:12:45,792 --> 00:12:47,827
Uh, hypothetically speaking--
309
00:12:47,861 --> 00:12:49,995
and by "hypothetically"
310
00:12:50,030 --> 00:12:51,630
I mean this is actually
about to happen--
311
00:12:51,665 --> 00:12:53,699
how would you feel
about me and Ryan
312
00:12:53,733 --> 00:12:57,470
having a three-way
with your baby nurse?
313
00:12:58,305 --> 00:13:00,873
That's not going
to happen.
314
00:13:00,907 --> 00:13:02,007
No, dude, it is!
315
00:13:02,042 --> 00:13:03,843
It was her idea.
You were right about her.
316
00:13:03,877 --> 00:13:06,512
(laughing):
She is crazy.
317
00:13:06,546 --> 00:13:07,680
Is it there?
318
00:13:07,714 --> 00:13:10,816
Oh, yeah, he found it.
319
00:13:10,851 --> 00:13:13,519
I bet Nicole is the one
who found it.
320
00:13:13,553 --> 00:13:15,721
Tell him I'll be there
in ten minutes.
321
00:13:18,592 --> 00:13:21,160
Tell you what.
322
00:13:21,194 --> 00:13:23,863
We never spoke about this,
but wait about nine minutes
323
00:13:23,897 --> 00:13:27,066
and then give her the best
two minutes of her life.
324
00:13:28,727 --> 00:13:30,928
♪ ♪
325
00:13:35,548 --> 00:13:38,083
DAVIS:
Before we go in there
to do this threesome,
326
00:13:38,118 --> 00:13:40,152
we gotta straighten
something out.
327
00:13:40,186 --> 00:13:43,522
If Nicole was like the
state of California,
328
00:13:43,556 --> 00:13:46,992
do you see yourself spending
more time up in San Francisco?
329
00:13:47,026 --> 00:13:50,162
Or down in San Diego?
330
00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:53,866
I see myself in Fresno.
331
00:13:53,900 --> 00:13:55,100
What?
332
00:13:55,135 --> 00:13:56,435
(chuckling): Oh.
333
00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:59,838
What the hell is
going on here?
334
00:13:59,873 --> 00:14:02,474
Uh, uh...
335
00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:04,877
Well, we definitely weren't
going to have a threesome
336
00:14:04,911 --> 00:14:06,278
with your baby nurse.
337
00:14:06,312 --> 00:14:09,214
I told you not to even think
about it.
338
00:14:09,249 --> 00:14:12,117
And by the way,
my mom is from Fresno!
339
00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:18,390
I didn't think about it.
It was her idea.
340
00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:20,659
We were just being polite, and
we didn't do anything anyway,
341
00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:22,027
because we're terrified.
Yeah.
342
00:14:22,061 --> 00:14:23,996
You expect me to believe that?
343
00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:26,131
My lovely, sweet,
professional Nicole,
344
00:14:26,166 --> 00:14:29,301
who is working her fingers
to the bone to make this
space safe for my baby,
345
00:14:29,335 --> 00:14:31,670
actually propositioned
the two of you?
346
00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:34,640
Are we gonna do this, or...
Oh!
347
00:14:40,580 --> 00:14:44,216
Okay, couple of things.
348
00:14:44,250 --> 00:14:46,852
One, is that my teddy?
349
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:50,456
Two... so that's what my teddy's
supposed to look like.
350
00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:52,291
And three, you are so fired,
351
00:14:52,325 --> 00:14:54,059
we need a new word
for "fired,"
352
00:14:54,093 --> 00:14:57,029
but since fired is what you
are, let's just go with fired.
353
00:14:57,063 --> 00:14:59,431
Can I still put you
down as a reference?
354
00:14:59,466 --> 00:15:00,766
Are you crazy?
355
00:15:02,168 --> 00:15:03,702
A little bit.
356
00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:10,242
Oh, my God, I'm so wrong
about Nicole,
357
00:15:10,276 --> 00:15:13,278
and I made such a big deal
about it with Zack.
358
00:15:13,313 --> 00:15:16,949
Oh, my God, I'm never going
to live this down with him.
359
00:15:16,983 --> 00:15:19,985
Hey, how about we just keep
this whole Nicole thing
360
00:15:20,019 --> 00:15:21,887
between us?
361
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:24,656
Yeah, no problem.
362
00:15:24,691 --> 00:15:28,694
I mean, you don't tell someone
you almost went to Fresno.
363
00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:34,766
Whatever is going on
between you and your mom
364
00:15:34,801 --> 00:15:35,968
has got to stop.
365
00:15:36,002 --> 00:15:37,703
And we're going
to call her right now.
366
00:15:37,737 --> 00:15:41,373
There is no gift more valuable
than a daughter's love.
367
00:15:41,407 --> 00:15:43,275
It's 5:00 a.m. in Scotland.
368
00:15:43,309 --> 00:15:45,377
So she'll just be getting
back from the pub,
369
00:15:45,411 --> 00:15:47,613
or she'll just be arriving
at the pub.
370
00:15:47,647 --> 00:15:49,615
Either way, I'll call the pub.
371
00:15:50,550 --> 00:15:54,887
(muttering):
841-810...
372
00:15:54,921 --> 00:15:57,322
I can't do it.
You talk to her.
373
00:15:59,058 --> 00:16:00,559
(sighs)
374
00:16:00,593 --> 00:16:01,627
Hello.
375
00:16:01,661 --> 00:16:03,195
Is Mrs. Hollenbeck there?
376
00:16:03,229 --> 00:16:04,596
Oh, hi.
377
00:16:06,032 --> 00:16:10,068
This is your daughter Olivia's
American friend Abby
378
00:16:10,103 --> 00:16:12,905
calling from America.
379
00:16:12,939 --> 00:16:15,941
No, I can't light your cigarette
through the phone.
380
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:18,911
What good am I?
381
00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:22,014
Anyway, I understand you two
382
00:16:22,048 --> 00:16:23,916
have been having
some difficult...
383
00:16:23,950 --> 00:16:27,185
Well, it is my business,
because she's my friend.
384
00:16:28,054 --> 00:16:29,588
Yes, I do know that dirty word,
385
00:16:29,622 --> 00:16:32,124
and I don't appreciate
being called that.
386
00:16:32,158 --> 00:16:34,092
Okay, well, you can
just take this phone
387
00:16:34,127 --> 00:16:36,929
and stick it in your pie hole,
you half-witted leprechaun!
388
00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:41,400
So Mom says hi.
389
00:16:41,434 --> 00:16:42,901
Oh.
390
00:16:48,107 --> 00:16:51,009
She was wearing
your fancy teddy?
Mm.
391
00:16:51,044 --> 00:16:53,946
If you were going to seduce two
men in someone else's apartment,
392
00:16:53,980 --> 00:16:56,715
you should really bring
your own lingerie.
393
00:16:56,749 --> 00:16:58,250
And that's just good manners.
394
00:16:58,284 --> 00:17:01,086
That was my first decision
as a mom.
395
00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:02,654
And what did I do?
396
00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:06,325
I chose an impolite sex maniac
with extremely low standards.
397
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:08,760
So, are you going
to get a new nurse?
398
00:17:08,795 --> 00:17:10,896
No, I'm going to keep this baby
inside of me
399
00:17:10,930 --> 00:17:13,265
where he is safe
from my poor decision-making.
400
00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:15,534
I've been working
on my Kegels.
401
00:17:15,568 --> 00:17:17,002
I'll just seal that sucker up.
402
00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:18,670
This big already--
I can go bigger.
403
00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:20,439
I'll keep him in there
till he's nine.
404
00:17:20,473 --> 00:17:22,474
If I can go to nine,
I can go to 18.
405
00:17:22,508 --> 00:17:23,875
And once he's 18--
(blows raspberry)
406
00:17:23,910 --> 00:17:26,244
I'll plop him out, and he can
make his own decisions.
407
00:17:26,279 --> 00:17:29,047
It's so simple, I don't know
why no one's ever thought of it.
408
00:17:29,082 --> 00:17:31,249
What is it you're
so worried about?
409
00:17:31,284 --> 00:17:34,987
That I'm going to be
a terrible mom.
410
00:17:35,021 --> 00:17:37,422
And then what is my kid
going to think of me?
411
00:17:37,457 --> 00:17:40,959
Well, I can say with
complete confidence
412
00:17:40,994 --> 00:17:43,428
that I recently spoke
with one of the worst mothers
413
00:17:43,463 --> 00:17:45,163
on the face of the planet.
414
00:17:46,132 --> 00:17:48,333
And this little pumpkin here
415
00:17:48,368 --> 00:17:52,204
comes every year to this store
to get her a gift
416
00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:54,806
for her obscene, horrible,
racist, drunken...
417
00:17:54,841 --> 00:17:56,475
Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey.
418
00:17:57,243 --> 00:17:59,978
Don't forget cheap.
419
00:18:00,013 --> 00:18:02,347
Cheap, sour hag
of a mother.
420
00:18:03,483 --> 00:18:05,350
And why does
she do this?
421
00:18:05,385 --> 00:18:07,653
(sobbing):
'Cause I love my mum.
422
00:18:08,454 --> 00:18:11,189
Because she loves her mom.
423
00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:18,330
Okay, I got the receipt.
424
00:18:18,364 --> 00:18:20,699
A lot of traffic--
that's what took
me so long.
425
00:18:20,733 --> 00:18:23,468
Oh, and I let Nicole go.
426
00:18:23,503 --> 00:18:25,537
Really?
427
00:18:25,571 --> 00:18:27,272
But she was so perfect.
428
00:18:27,306 --> 00:18:30,375
What could have happened?
429
00:18:30,410 --> 00:18:34,046
You know, I did
a lot of thinking,
430
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,415
and I realized
that I was wrong
431
00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:38,517
not to consult you
in the first place.
432
00:18:38,584 --> 00:18:41,553
It was hard for me,
but I'm giving in this time.
433
00:18:41,587 --> 00:18:43,321
So let's just say
you owe me one.
434
00:18:43,356 --> 00:18:45,257
Hey, I appreciate that,
but she was great.
435
00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:46,958
We should really go with her.
436
00:18:46,993 --> 00:18:49,361
No, it's too late.
It's, it's done, no.
How do you know that?
437
00:18:49,395 --> 00:18:51,930
We should really give her a call
before she gets another job.
438
00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:54,066
She moved to Chicago.
439
00:18:54,100 --> 00:18:55,634
Today?
440
00:18:55,668 --> 00:18:57,669
I know, weird, right?
441
00:18:57,704 --> 00:19:00,305
That's too bad, but I really
think we should give her a call
442
00:19:00,339 --> 00:19:01,506
and have a conversation,
443
00:19:01,541 --> 00:19:03,208
between the three of us.
444
00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:07,479
A three-way.
445
00:19:07,513 --> 00:19:10,816
You ass.
446
00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:13,518
I think from now on,
I should be involved
447
00:19:13,553 --> 00:19:15,120
in picking our baby nurse.
448
00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:16,722
Yes, please.
449
00:19:16,756 --> 00:19:19,791
Because I think my
instincts about people
are way better than yours.
450
00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:20,892
Why do you say that?
451
00:19:20,927 --> 00:19:25,330
Well, you picked me,
but I picked you.
452
00:19:32,669 --> 00:19:34,136
WOMAN:
141.
453
00:19:34,171 --> 00:19:37,439
Oh, my God,
it's us!
454
00:19:37,507 --> 00:19:39,141
Coming.
455
00:19:39,176 --> 00:19:41,410
Be there in a month.
456
00:19:44,948 --> 00:19:48,584
This is a receipt
from Arby's.
457
00:19:48,618 --> 00:19:50,786
I like this table.
458
00:19:50,820 --> 00:19:52,655
Me, too.
459
00:19:52,689 --> 00:19:55,858
-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for addic7ed.com --