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[###]
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PELTON [OVER PA]:
It's Valentine's week,
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when the Greendale Human Being
is the Cupid Being,
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delivering your gift
to that special someone.
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But remember, Cupid's face
is magic marker on nylon,
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so love is not only blind but also
dizzy and a little belligerent.
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I'm chaperoning tomorrow's dance.
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You should come.
Maybe your study buds will go.
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What's the blonde's name?
Bitter, Butter, Beetlejuice?
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Britta. Yeah, she says Valentine's
Day ritualizes a connection
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between affection and candy so girls
can learn the ropes of prostitution.
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Translation, no date.
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I'm gonna join you at that dance.
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But as a novice boyfriend, could I
get a map of the minefield known as
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women's Valentine expectations?
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Every day of the year, I want
you to do what makes you happy.
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Tomorrow, I'm gonna be
happy spending the night
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with an insatiable
statistics professor.
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That sounds
immeasurably probable.
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Man. You can make any
subject sound seductive.
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It's a good thing you don't
teach German history.
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[BOTH CHUCKLE]
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MAN [ON RECORDING]:
Jeff, it's the Registrar's Office.
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Seems you were wrong about paying
tuition with airline miles.
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We're gonna need a check...
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AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE:
Message deleted.
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BRITTA [SLURRING]:
Jeff Winger, I am calling you.
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[BRITTA MOANS]
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Oh, yeah.
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You're probably, whatever.
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So, what's up? Heh.
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Oh, it's the Cupid Being.
SHIRLEY: Ooh!
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Now it has arrows. That's safe.
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You know, a lot of people
think that's Abed.
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Gotcha.
Hey.
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Oh! It's from that cook with the
long beard in the cafeteria.
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I guess when he said,
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[IN MENACING VOICE]
"I'm gonna get you,"
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[IN NORMAL VOICE]
um, he meant chocolates.
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A flower from Vaughn.
He's away on a vision quest.
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And his note says, "For my flower,
to my flower, with a flower."
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Sweetly confusing.
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You got something, Abed?
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Another muffin basket
from another actress
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who wants to be in my next film.
Does that work?
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Yep. Meryl Streep has two Oscars
because of her baking.
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Oh, that's sarcasm
but I forgot to inflect.
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[SARCASTICALLY] This sounds
way more like sarcasm.
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Inflection is so interesting.
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That big bag at the bottom.
Is that for me?
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Anything in there for Troy?
Troy Barnes.
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Barnes, comma, Troy?
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Who cares about getting things?
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It destroys the true meaning
of Valentine's Day.
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The birth of St. Valentine's.
BRITTA: Oh, good.
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Now it has arrows. That's safe.
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Sorry I'm late.
ANNIE: It's okay.
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Actually, you look very early.
Oh, God, I'm really late.
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Yes, you are.
Yeah. See you later.
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That's all right. We'll see you guys.
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Can I get you something?
Water? Smelling salts?
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An alibi for Cobain's suicide?
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No, but you could help yourself
to a shorter forehead,
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a non-Keebler nose,
and shutting up.
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Hmm. That stings.
I mean, not the words.
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The clouds of bourbon vapor
forming them.
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Heh. A girlfriend from
my anarchist days was in town
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and we drank. Everything.
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Yeah. And then you said,
"I should call Jeff."
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Yeah, because the first thing I do
when I'm having fun is think about...
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BRITTA [ON RECORDING]:
Jeff Winger, I am calling you.
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You're probably, whatever.
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So, what's up?
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The drunk dial.
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So much subtext.
So much intrigue.
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So much of what the kids
are calling BCI.
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That's, uh,
Booty Call Implication.
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[LAUGHING]
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Oh...
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What happened to Britta?
Justice.
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Having spent the year denying her
attraction to me just to be alternative,
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Britta called me at 3 a.m.
just to ask, "What's up?"
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A drunk dial? Was it BCI?
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Booty call with a capital B turned
on its side to look like a booty.
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Mm. This can't be good.
It's no biggie.
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We give each other crap
all the time.
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Well, that's the point. What crap can
she give now that you hold the cards?
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You shifted the balance like in a sitcom
when one character sees another one naked.
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Is that really a sitcom staple?
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[SARCASTICALLY] No. I have no idea what I'm talking about.
I'm Abed, I never watch TV.
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[THE 88'S "AT LEAST
IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]
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Now, we all know that in English, the
rooster says "cock-a-doodle-doo."
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[IN DEEP VOICE]
In español, the gallo says:
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[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
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What? I'm teaching.
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[MOANS]
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Aha! I knew you were holding back.
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Oh! It's from the girl I'm dating.
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Yeah, I met her in biology.
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She was looking for geology
and misread the sign.
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Yeah, I said, "We do not study
countries in here." Heh.
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Yeah, she's...
She's dumb, but... But sweet.
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Yeah, mine's from Danielle.
She's, uh... Uh...
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A lovely lady
in my marketing class.
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We're sleeping together.
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They sound like very lucky ladies.
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Yeah, they're not made up.
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Beep-beep! Oh, my God,
what's going on? Beep-beep-beep!
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My bull crap meter's going crazy.
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Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep!
Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep!
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[YELLING]
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It's these presents
you've obviously sent yourselves
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to make it look like
you have girlfriends.
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That's ridiculous.
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This is obviously your handwriting,
Mr. Tremor.
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And yours is signed, "Love, Troy"?
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I tell you, this is the most pathetic
thing I've ever seen in the classroom.
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And that's including the time I
forgot to wear pants and underwear.
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The time being 10 a.m.
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Whoa. You shut your mouth, Winger.
All right? Don't change the subject.
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Is that these two are lonely and sad
because women don't like them.
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[CHANG AND CLASS LAUGHING]
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CHANG [LAUGHING]:
Oh, my God.
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Look at him over there,
cutting the gristle off his steak
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as ruthlessly as he cut off
Troy and Pierce's dignity.
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Ew! Now he's eating the gristle.
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I'm so sick of Chang.
Always tearing people down,
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making them feel horrible
about themselves.
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He's like a miniature Don Rickles, except
he doesn't stop every 10 minutes to say:
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"I'm just kidding, folks.
I only say these things because I love everybody."
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Somebody needs to humiliate him
the way he humiliated our boys.
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Mustache, get me a juice box.
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Now.
ANNIE: And that somebody is us.
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[###]
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You can vomit onto this food
because it already smells like it.
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Heh-heh. Yeah, totally.
Heh-heh-heh.
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My law firm went on a retreat
to Disney World once,
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and I got so drunk that I got into
a fight with animatronic Ben Franklin.
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Why are you telling me this?
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Well, the point is
that when I'm sober,
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I don't secretly hate Ben Franklin
or even think about him,
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so you drunk dialing me?
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It's not like a big deal.
My God. You're pitying me now.
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Well, you're acting really weird.
I'll talk to you in class, okay?
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Just leave me alone till then.
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[###]
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Beep-beep-beep!
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What is going on here?
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Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep!
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My doody meter's going crazy.
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Okay, cut, cut, cut.
Leo, I'm not feeling it.
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I really need to believe that you're
holding an imaginary doody meter.
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The problem is not me.
It's you and your stupid script.
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Idiot.
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That's the anger. Use it.
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Wow.
One Papa John's commercial
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and he thinks he's Christian Bale.
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Look, uh, you were right.
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Britta is totally weird around me.
It does feel like I saw her naked.
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What does she look like?
Pretty white.
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Awesome.
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It's a resonant premise.
Tony even saw Angela naked
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on the opening credits
of Who's the Boss?
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And did Tony do
something to fix that?
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I don't know. I could never
get past the opening credits.
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But when Chandler
saw Rachel naked on Friends,
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to even the score Rachel needed
to see Chandler's penis.
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All right. I'll show Britta my penis.
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But what if Freud's right
and it just makes her jealous?
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Jeff, please don't waste my time.
I lose my Chang to Cub Scouts in 20 minutes.
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So... So, what? To even the score,
I have to drunk dial her?
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Isn't that absurdly simplistic?
Would it even work?
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Yes, and maybe. Oh.
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No room for error.
She'd have to believe it was real.
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Have you ever acted drunk before?
Well, I acted sober every weekend
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from seventh grade
through high school.
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Okay. Well, acting drunk is hard,
but let's see what you got.
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[SLURRING] No, it's not.
I can totally do it.
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I'm fine. I can drive.
I can totally drive right now.
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Give me my keys.
That's enough.
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No, hold on a second.
All right.
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[SOBBING] I don't care.
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[IN NORMAL VOICE]
No, seriously, give me my keys.
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Okay, that's a wrap, people.
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All right. I want you to be at my
place at 4 so we can work on this.
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Well, no, I can't do that.
Here's why.
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Dumbest idea ever.
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00:09:03,509 --> 00:09:05,807
You're right. Let's use your idea because
that's going great for you so far.
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Sarcasm.
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00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:09,575
Jeff, you know Britta's defining weakness.
She cuts and runs.
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Do this half-assed and fail, she
may leave, then we all lose her.
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That's not gonna happen.
Not on my watch.
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That's a deal breaker. Saddle up.
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Sorry I lost my cool.
Just quit smoking.
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Kid's gonna be a star. He's a young
"the Asian guy from Lost."
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Liking that butt.
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Mom?
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00:09:28,834 --> 00:09:30,734
I'm kidding. I hope.
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[BOTH CHUCKLE]
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Hey, Britta.
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Hey...
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[IN NEW YORK ACCENT]
is for horses. Heh.
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[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Off to the ladies room.
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00:09:47,353 --> 00:09:48,581
What's wrong with her?
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00:09:48,788 --> 00:09:51,450
Well, for one thing, she's clearly
failing her improv class.
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00:09:51,657 --> 00:09:53,124
But she's acting weird, right?
207
00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:56,227
Like insecure.
Does she always do that much "hoiting"?
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Only to the ladies room.
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She's the Babe Ruth of peeing.
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And I keep telling her,
nobody's buying that candy bar.
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00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:04,665
Heh, heh. Well, I know we're
gonna see each other tomorrow,
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00:10:04,870 --> 00:10:05,962
but if you wanna
come over tonight...
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I'd love to, but I have to...
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help Abed with a, uh...
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00:10:14,246 --> 00:10:17,738
project. I better just head over
to his...
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The dorm?
Yeah. That... Heh, heh, heh. I was...
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Ugh.
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Try it again.
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Come on. You're a big guy.
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Action.
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00:10:34,767 --> 00:10:37,736
Hey, Britta.
Your call got me thinking,
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and thinking got me drinking.
223
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Stop. That was terrible.
224
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What?
Mm-mm.
225
00:10:43,075 --> 00:10:45,976
You know, I can get drunk alone
if that's what helps people act.
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00:10:46,178 --> 00:10:48,874
Well, that's your problem, Jeff.
You've been acting your whole life. Okay?
227
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Time to pass that act up
and find the actor playing you.
228
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Oh, they are gonna love you
in California.
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00:10:57,256 --> 00:10:58,245
Do you like Britta?
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Sure, who doesn't?
Over half the people that meet her.
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00:11:02,561 --> 00:11:04,586
They can be put off
by her vacuous mannequin face,
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and her Jodie Foster severity.
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But you're different.
Uh...
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00:11:08,601 --> 00:11:10,728
You know.
She's no barrel of monkeys.
235
00:11:10,936 --> 00:11:13,564
She... She wants everyone to be
honest but she lies to herself.
236
00:11:13,773 --> 00:11:15,764
She's seen the world
but doesn't get it.
237
00:11:15,975 --> 00:11:18,102
She has more fights about stuff
that doesn't matter
238
00:11:18,310 --> 00:11:20,005
than a YouTube comment section.
239
00:11:20,212 --> 00:11:25,809
She's passionate, which I
find stupid but entertaining.
240
00:11:26,185 --> 00:11:27,379
She's admirable.
241
00:11:27,586 --> 00:11:29,144
Attractive?
242
00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:30,754
Appealing.
243
00:11:30,956 --> 00:11:31,945
It was only attraction at first
244
00:11:32,158 --> 00:11:33,682
because she bothered to play
hard to get.
245
00:11:33,893 --> 00:11:36,794
Well, the less we like ourselves, the
more we like people who don't like us.
246
00:11:36,996 --> 00:11:39,362
That's why Britta drunk-dialed you
after you became available.
247
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:41,098
You're a smart kid, Abed.
248
00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:42,699
You both share that dislike
of yourselves.
249
00:11:42,902 --> 00:11:45,427
You're equally incomplete, that's why
you're equally obsessed with each other.
250
00:11:46,238 --> 00:11:48,934
You're not so bright, are you, Abed?
I'm happy with Michelle.
251
00:11:49,141 --> 00:11:51,405
Well, Peter Pan was happy with Wendy,
but then there was Tinker Bell.
252
00:11:51,977 --> 00:11:56,676
Right. Tinker Bell, the patron saint
of high-maintenance women.
253
00:11:56,882 --> 00:12:01,182
Hot, but sexually impossible, with thoughts
of suicide, and had trouble opening jars.
254
00:12:01,387 --> 00:12:03,981
Slater is low maintenance.
Mm. The lowest.
255
00:12:04,190 --> 00:12:08,058
Slater likes you how you are, expects nothing from you.
You're safe from change.
256
00:12:08,260 --> 00:12:09,818
And passion.
257
00:12:10,029 --> 00:12:11,428
Watch it.
Watch what?
258
00:12:11,630 --> 00:12:15,396
A phony drunk-dial soaked in phony
pity that insults Britta even more?
259
00:12:15,601 --> 00:12:18,593
Or a believable performance
informed by feeling?
260
00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:24,139
You know, I am sure
you're a good director,
261
00:12:24,343 --> 00:12:26,174
but you are a horrible
drinking buddy.
262
00:12:26,378 --> 00:12:28,778
I mean, I can't feel things
with you studying me
263
00:12:28,981 --> 00:12:30,972
like a beige praying mantis.
264
00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:33,817
You're right.
265
00:12:39,258 --> 00:12:42,716
I thought you never drank.
Scorsese drank with De Niro.
266
00:12:46,298 --> 00:12:49,165
It's not for me.
It's for the audience.
267
00:12:49,401 --> 00:12:51,392
[BOTH SPEAK IN POLISH]
268
00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:52,866
[KARLA DEVITO'S
"WE ARE NOT ALONE" PLAYING]
269
00:13:36,982 --> 00:13:40,474
I am a newton...
270
00:13:40,686 --> 00:13:45,316
in a world of fantasy.
271
00:13:46,158 --> 00:13:48,251
I'm high-functioning.
272
00:13:50,196 --> 00:13:52,289
Hey.
Hey.
273
00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:54,159
Bob-bed.
274
00:13:55,201 --> 00:13:59,467
Have you ever seen anyone
more beautiful in your entire life?
275
00:14:00,172 --> 00:14:03,972
"Black eyes."
"Doll's eyes."
276
00:14:04,176 --> 00:14:07,942
Black Eyed Peas.
Green eggs and will. I. am.
277
00:14:08,347 --> 00:14:09,336
[GROANS]
278
00:14:09,548 --> 00:14:10,913
Where's my phone?
279
00:14:11,116 --> 00:14:13,448
[IN DEEP HUSKY VOICE]
Maggie Gyllenhaal is exploding.
280
00:14:15,888 --> 00:14:17,287
Whoa.
281
00:14:20,826 --> 00:14:22,589
[LAUGHS]
282
00:14:22,795 --> 00:14:24,626
[MOANS]
283
00:14:25,965 --> 00:14:27,455
This...
284
00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:31,059
is the greatest...
285
00:14:32,037 --> 00:14:34,562
night of our lives.
286
00:14:36,675 --> 00:14:38,472
And we...
287
00:14:39,211 --> 00:14:41,543
will be so happy...
288
00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:44,910
that we did this...
289
00:14:46,285 --> 00:14:47,946
tomorrow.
290
00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:50,689
All right, class, turn to page...
Whoa.
291
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:53,484
Looks like the law firm
of Seacrest and Slumdog
292
00:14:53,692 --> 00:14:56,388
is taking the day off.
Heh, heh. Nice.
293
00:14:57,363 --> 00:14:59,695
But there you are.
294
00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:02,390
Every day.
295
00:15:02,601 --> 00:15:04,694
Why?
Yeah, wouldn't you like to know?
296
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:09,364
Yes. I stay awake wondering
about your origins.
297
00:15:09,575 --> 00:15:11,600
I'm sure you picked
weird sideburns
298
00:15:11,810 --> 00:15:14,301
because your story
was already fascinating.
299
00:15:14,513 --> 00:15:15,912
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
300
00:15:16,348 --> 00:15:17,906
Yes?
301
00:15:19,218 --> 00:15:23,314
Ooh. Another special delivery
302
00:15:23,522 --> 00:15:26,582
from Troy and Pierce's
imaginary lovers?
303
00:15:26,792 --> 00:15:28,555
[CHANG CHUCKLES
THEN SNORTS]
304
00:15:29,461 --> 00:15:32,726
Wait a minute. Uhn.
305
00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:35,526
That one's for me. Heh-heh-heh.
306
00:15:35,734 --> 00:15:38,828
All right. Oh, yeah. Huh. Chh-chh.
307
00:15:41,507 --> 00:15:43,737
Wow. It's from Princeton.
308
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:46,138
They want to make me
associate professor
309
00:15:46,345 --> 00:15:48,973
of the Spanish Department?
310
00:15:49,181 --> 00:15:51,979
They're telling me
I can name my price? Oh, my God.
311
00:15:52,518 --> 00:15:54,486
At Princeton? Come on.
312
00:15:54,687 --> 00:15:58,248
You two idiots really thought
I'd fall for this, huh?
313
00:15:58,457 --> 00:16:03,417
This is your pathetic attempt
to punish me for humiliating you.
314
00:16:03,629 --> 00:16:06,427
But we didn't do it.
Save it.
315
00:16:09,401 --> 00:16:13,337
As punishment, because you two
obviously don't have any girlfriends,
316
00:16:13,539 --> 00:16:17,908
escort me to the Valentine's Dance
wearing elegant ladies' pantsuits.
317
00:16:18,110 --> 00:16:19,805
Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, right.
318
00:16:20,012 --> 00:16:21,001
[MOCK-LAUGHS]
319
00:16:21,213 --> 00:16:22,475
You'll do it or you fail my class.
320
00:16:22,681 --> 00:16:25,275
You can't do that.
Have you met me?
321
00:16:25,484 --> 00:16:28,817
I mean it.
Tonight, you are my bitches.
322
00:16:29,021 --> 00:16:31,080
[###]
323
00:16:34,660 --> 00:16:36,787
JEFF:
Holy crap.
324
00:16:37,463 --> 00:16:39,260
Abed.
325
00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:42,429
Abed?
326
00:16:42,868 --> 00:16:44,836
[GRUNTING]
327
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,211
It's 3:00.
328
00:16:55,414 --> 00:16:57,075
What happened?
329
00:16:57,282 --> 00:16:59,614
The last thing I remember
330
00:17:00,319 --> 00:17:03,311
is you were dancing
like that girl in the movie
331
00:17:05,090 --> 00:17:07,024
Kids In Detention?
Breakfast Club?
332
00:17:07,226 --> 00:17:09,990
Dear God.
What have you done to me?
333
00:17:10,195 --> 00:17:13,289
Wait, did I call Britta?
334
00:17:14,333 --> 00:17:17,166
Where's my phone?
Got it.
335
00:17:18,003 --> 00:17:19,664
You made two outgoing calls.
336
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:22,238
One to Britta, one to your girlfriend.
337
00:17:22,441 --> 00:17:24,068
I don't remember either of them.
338
00:17:24,276 --> 00:17:25,265
Neither do I.
339
00:17:25,477 --> 00:17:26,671
[###]
340
00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:29,939
And I don't remember the name
of the girl in The Breakfast Club.
341
00:17:30,315 --> 00:17:31,907
Mary.
342
00:17:32,351 --> 00:17:34,046
Margaret.
343
00:17:34,453 --> 00:17:36,478
Molly Ringworm?
344
00:17:37,656 --> 00:17:38,680
You broke me.
345
00:17:42,995 --> 00:17:45,555
I still can't believe I'm a size 14.
346
00:17:45,764 --> 00:17:49,427
I know the 12 was a little tight
but I could have pulled it off.
347
00:17:49,868 --> 00:17:51,768
You guys really going through
with this?
348
00:17:51,970 --> 00:17:53,870
We have to. He'll fail us.
349
00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:56,598
But we're gonna find out who wrote
that letter. We have leads.
350
00:17:56,809 --> 00:17:59,835
Yeah. It was written on fake Princeton letterhead.
So whoever wrote it,
351
00:18:00,045 --> 00:18:02,206
worked at Princeton,
ran out of stationary,
352
00:18:02,414 --> 00:18:03,972
and didn't have time
to go to the store.
353
00:18:04,183 --> 00:18:06,515
Um, you guys?
Uh-uh! Uh.
354
00:18:07,119 --> 00:18:08,143
What?
355
00:18:09,955 --> 00:18:11,445
Women's sizes run slimmer.
356
00:18:11,657 --> 00:18:14,217
I'm sure you're a 12 everywhere
that it counts.
357
00:18:14,426 --> 00:18:16,656
Well, I'll take every little victory
I can get right now.
358
00:18:17,062 --> 00:18:18,461
Thanks.
359
00:18:18,730 --> 00:18:21,722
Hmm. You look about ready
to marry Courtney Love.
360
00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:23,367
[CHUCKLES]
361
00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:25,904
That's the reverse of my zinger
from before.
362
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:29,734
Okay, please stop shouting, all right?
I feel like that person in the TV show.
363
00:18:30,576 --> 00:18:32,601
Do you remember calling me
last night?
364
00:18:33,712 --> 00:18:35,236
Yeah. Why?
365
00:18:35,647 --> 00:18:37,706
Are we cool?
Oh, yeah.
366
00:18:37,916 --> 00:18:40,942
Have a seat, Drunky Brewster.
Let's study.
367
00:18:42,087 --> 00:18:44,021
Hey, balance restored, I guess.
368
00:18:44,223 --> 00:18:46,123
Movie reference.
369
00:18:46,525 --> 00:18:48,493
[DANCE MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
370
00:19:02,941 --> 00:19:04,568
Hey there.
371
00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:07,036
Happy Valentine's Day.
372
00:19:07,246 --> 00:19:09,476
I've been calling you.
Yeah, I know.
373
00:19:09,681 --> 00:19:13,617
I figured I'd just let it go to voicemail
in case you had the wrong number again.
374
00:19:14,052 --> 00:19:15,485
Elaborate?
Oh, you don't remember
375
00:19:15,687 --> 00:19:16,779
calling me at 4 in the morning
376
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:19,822
and hanging up
when you realized I wasn't Britta?
377
00:19:20,425 --> 00:19:22,154
Are you nervous?
378
00:19:22,361 --> 00:19:25,797
Or have you now mistaken me
for someone named "Gulp."
379
00:19:27,199 --> 00:19:28,689
Michelle.
380
00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:30,459
Michelle, um,
381
00:19:31,303 --> 00:19:35,034
I was trying to call Britain
to order you toffees.
382
00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:36,537
Now that might sound dumb,
383
00:19:36,742 --> 00:19:41,042
but I needed to open with it
to make the truth less ridiculous.
384
00:19:44,683 --> 00:19:47,447
Two nights ago,
Britta drunk-dialed me,
385
00:19:47,653 --> 00:19:49,917
and it embarrassed her
and made her sad,
386
00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:52,488
and the only way for her
to get her power back
387
00:19:52,691 --> 00:19:55,285
was for me to get believably drunk
and leave her
388
00:19:55,494 --> 00:19:57,155
an equally
embarrassing message.
389
00:19:57,362 --> 00:19:59,523
It sure seems like you and Britta
are friends
390
00:19:59,731 --> 00:20:02,564
the way my mom's pool cleaner
was my uncle.
391
00:20:03,335 --> 00:20:07,032
Well, it seems that way
when you look at it,
392
00:20:07,239 --> 00:20:11,539
but it doesn't when you don't.
393
00:20:11,743 --> 00:20:13,540
Have you had sex with her?
Not even a little.
394
00:20:14,079 --> 00:20:15,842
I kissed her once
to get an A in Accounting.
395
00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:17,640
Professor Whitman's class?
396
00:20:17,849 --> 00:20:19,373
Oh, that actually makes sense.
397
00:20:19,585 --> 00:20:21,485
What doesn't make sense is
that you did all this work
398
00:20:21,687 --> 00:20:24,417
to put a smile on her face
but can't pick up ice cream
399
00:20:24,623 --> 00:20:27,114
for Law and Order night
because it feels too marriage-y.
400
00:20:27,359 --> 00:20:28,690
First of all, Chubby Hubby?
401
00:20:28,894 --> 00:20:30,521
I mean, could you pick
a scarier flavor?
402
00:20:30,729 --> 00:20:33,220
There's no
Luscious Lazy Boyfriend.
403
00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:38,593
Look. I want to believe
you're on the up and up.
404
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:45,233
Let's talk about this later.
I need to chaperone something.
405
00:20:45,444 --> 00:20:46,706
And gather my thoughts.
406
00:20:47,112 --> 00:20:49,080
[DANCE MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
407
00:21:08,300 --> 00:21:10,894
There he is. Oh.
408
00:21:11,336 --> 00:21:14,601
You know, I thought I'd be embarrassed.
Now I'm just scared.
409
00:21:14,806 --> 00:21:17,934
I am seriously reconsidering how
much I want this language credit.
410
00:21:18,143 --> 00:21:19,167
Remember what we said?
411
00:21:20,579 --> 00:21:22,547
Never let him see us cry.
412
00:21:22,748 --> 00:21:23,976
Right.
413
00:21:24,182 --> 00:21:27,083
Okay, one, two...
414
00:21:27,286 --> 00:21:28,913
Wait.
Keep your coats on.
415
00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:30,918
We're the ones that sent
the letter to Chang.
416
00:21:31,123 --> 00:21:32,454
What?
417
00:21:32,658 --> 00:21:33,920
You work...
You work at Princeton?
418
00:21:34,126 --> 00:21:36,026
We were mad at him
for humiliating you.
419
00:21:36,228 --> 00:21:40,221
Well, nice fix, Tweedledum
and even Tweedlerdum.
420
00:21:40,432 --> 00:21:43,959
Look, we're gonna tell Chang
the truth,
421
00:21:44,403 --> 00:21:46,428
and we'll pay the price.
422
00:21:46,638 --> 00:21:48,037
TROY:
Wait.
423
00:21:48,407 --> 00:21:50,637
We can't make you do that.
No, he's right.
424
00:21:50,842 --> 00:21:53,868
First we gotta get out of these
pantsuits then you can put them on.
425
00:21:54,079 --> 00:21:57,378
Look, Pierce, this whole thing started
because you and I were ashamed
426
00:21:57,582 --> 00:21:59,607
we didn't have ladies
that cared about us.
427
00:21:59,818 --> 00:22:02,116
And the good news is
we obviously do.
428
00:22:02,621 --> 00:22:07,854
The bad news is that it makes it our
manly duty to protect them tonight.
429
00:22:08,060 --> 00:22:09,322
Oh!
That's nice
430
00:22:09,528 --> 00:22:11,553
but we really can't let you do that.
431
00:22:11,763 --> 00:22:14,288
No, he's right. He's right.
432
00:22:14,499 --> 00:22:17,024
Step aside.
SHIRLEY: Oh.
433
00:22:18,136 --> 00:22:20,468
Let's handle this like men.
Yeah.
434
00:22:25,711 --> 00:22:27,269
Whoo. Ladies.
435
00:22:27,479 --> 00:22:30,812
They're going to be okay, right?
CHANG: Get in my Mercedes.
436
00:22:31,016 --> 00:22:33,075
Just look away, baby.
437
00:22:35,687 --> 00:22:37,484
Just look away.
438
00:22:55,974 --> 00:22:58,738
Whoa.
Looking for someone?
439
00:22:58,944 --> 00:22:59,933
[###]
440
00:23:00,145 --> 00:23:01,407
Yeah.
441
00:23:01,813 --> 00:23:03,474
Slater.
Heh.
442
00:23:03,882 --> 00:23:05,247
Very funny.
443
00:23:05,751 --> 00:23:08,777
You know, when you called me last
night and invited me to the dance,
444
00:23:08,987 --> 00:23:10,921
I was shocked.
445
00:23:11,123 --> 00:23:12,988
And thrilled.
446
00:23:15,193 --> 00:23:16,660
Are you okay?
447
00:23:17,996 --> 00:23:19,395
Yeah.
448
00:23:19,598 --> 00:23:20,587
No. No.
449
00:23:20,799 --> 00:23:23,359
Look, I'm sorry.
450
00:23:23,568 --> 00:23:28,005
Uh, I don't... I don't remember asking you to the dance.
I don't remember anything.
451
00:23:28,206 --> 00:23:30,800
And now Slater knows about
all the drunk-dialing stuff,
452
00:23:31,009 --> 00:23:34,445
and I'm in the doghouse.
And if she finds out about this, it's over.
453
00:23:34,646 --> 00:23:37,479
So, again, I am sorry.
I am so, so sorry.
454
00:23:37,682 --> 00:23:40,014
And you are messing with me
right now, aren't you?
455
00:23:40,218 --> 00:23:43,312
I knew you didn't remember anything
from that phone call last night.
456
00:23:43,522 --> 00:23:47,549
You got dressed up
just to see me sweat?
457
00:23:47,759 --> 00:23:49,989
Oh, believe me. You're worth it.
458
00:23:50,195 --> 00:23:51,822
Sorry. Just chaperoning.
Enjoy the dance.
459
00:23:52,030 --> 00:23:53,019
Wait, Michelle.
460
00:23:53,865 --> 00:23:56,197
Jeff, what's left to say?
461
00:23:57,169 --> 00:23:59,637
Uh... l... I don't know.
462
00:23:59,871 --> 00:24:01,702
I...
BRITTA: I do.
463
00:24:03,742 --> 00:24:05,801
He said it last night.
464
00:24:06,578 --> 00:24:08,011
[PHONE BEEPS]
465
00:24:08,213 --> 00:24:12,513
JEFF [ON RECORDING]:
So look, I am really into Michelle.
466
00:24:12,717 --> 00:24:17,154
And I don't wanna screw it up.
She's a perfect girlfriend.
467
00:24:17,355 --> 00:24:19,050
And I want you to be
as happy as me
468
00:24:19,257 --> 00:24:22,749
because you're, like, my favorite
friend, so... Ha-ha-ha.
469
00:24:22,961 --> 00:24:26,055
I'm sorry.
Abed just made a turtle face.
470
00:24:27,199 --> 00:24:30,726
In his defense,
Abed's turtle face is really funny.
471
00:24:31,236 --> 00:24:34,296
Thanks, Britta.
Yeah, thanks.
472
00:24:35,607 --> 00:24:37,234
Yeah.
473
00:24:38,109 --> 00:24:40,509
That was the first 20 seconds
of a 40-minute message.
474
00:24:41,112 --> 00:24:43,580
[WHISPERING] Very informative.
475
00:24:46,318 --> 00:24:49,719
Happy Valentine's Day,
perfect boyfriend.
476
00:24:50,255 --> 00:24:52,723
Yeah, that's me.
477
00:25:16,648 --> 00:25:21,449
Steel worker. Stymie.
Serpent. Steamboat Willie. S...
478
00:25:21,653 --> 00:25:22,779
Steven Seagal.
479
00:25:22,988 --> 00:25:25,889
Marked for Death, Hard to Kill,
Above the Law, Out for Justice.
480
00:25:46,177 --> 00:25:48,907
Man, I cannot wait to get out
of these ridiculous outfits.
481
00:25:49,114 --> 00:25:50,979
Woof! I know, yeah.
482
00:25:52,651 --> 00:25:54,482
What are you doing?
I'm parked over here.
483
00:25:54,686 --> 00:25:56,176
Oh, uh, well... Uh...
484
00:25:56,922 --> 00:25:59,254
Heh-heh.
Come on.
485
00:25:59,591 --> 00:26:01,855
Um... What the hell is this?
486
00:26:02,060 --> 00:26:03,357
We're going to get
frozen yogurt. Aah.
487
00:26:03,562 --> 00:26:05,860
I'm not gay, man.
They close in seven minutes.
488
00:26:06,064 --> 00:26:07,156
I could have driven you.
489
00:26:07,933 --> 00:26:09,696
You said he hated fro-yo.
490
00:26:09,901 --> 00:26:11,334
Just drive.
491
00:26:14,673 --> 00:26:15,662
Slut!
492
00:26:15,874 --> 00:26:17,432
[HORN HONKING]