Well, where's Jules? The show's about to start.
I can't believe you guys get together every week
to watch this crap.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. (Chuckles) Travis, one of these young singers
is going to be this country's next idol.
You hate America, Travis? I do.
While we wait,
we should watch Andy's old stand-up tape from college.
What was your catchphrase again? (Spanish accent) Bitches be loco.
(Laughs) It's funny 'cause it's true. You could've killed me!
Oh, calm down. No, you calm down!
She was talking on her phone the whole time she was driving.
We almost hit a cop. It was a crossing guard. If it was a cop,
I would have slowed down when she started chasing us.
You can blow that whistle all you want, sweetie.
No gun, no brakey. Oprah says talking on your cell while you drive
is crazy dangerous. Does Oprah say anything about how lame it is
for grown-ass men to watch "Oprah"?
No. She loves us. Who wants wine?
Yo! Me!
Right here. All right. That's five yeses and a "nice try."
Look, I have to talk on my cell phone
because I'm a real estate Agent.
Besides, I'm not afraid of Oprah. (Both gasp)
She's not a God. Take that back.
(Bobby) Andy. (Spanish accent) Bitches be loco.
(Bobby laughing) (Slurps) Mmm.
You know, they say you can get four glasses of wine
out of one bottle. I only get, like, one and a half.
All right, come and get it.
Oh, hurry. Show's about to start!
All right, hurry. Let's go, let's go, let's go,
let's go, let's go! All right, guys. Wait, wait, guys. No-no spilling.
Travis, you coming?
Nope. I have a life. (Scoffs)
(Chuckles) Eh!
If I find your other shoe, I'll mail it to you.
Hurry! Come here. (Grayson) See ya.
Go ahead.
You know, she's so young,
she might actually be from the future.
Does her dad work on the moon? That great. Can I go now?
Mnh-mnh. Not till we celebrate. Girl chest bump.
(Both, singsongy) Bing!
Again.
Oh, Tom.
It's my birthday.
Do it for him.
(Both, singsongy) Bing!
All right, we're here.
What's the big surprise?
I've been thinking about how bad I'll miss you when you go off
to college next year. Ah, you've got pictures of him.
Let's focus on who'll never leave ya. Bing! (Laughs)
That was the plan, then I saw this dude. Pow!
(Laughs)
Holy mother!
Aw, you got a pony!
Hey, Travis. U look a little hungry.
I name all my favorite things Travis.
I'm oddly flattered.
(Growls) Oh! (Chuckles) Calm down, big fella.
Be careful for little Travis. You don't call me Travis.
Oh, I hate talking to you while u're driving.
Promise me you're being safe. I'm being totally safe.
I'm knee-driving. Jules!
Hey, I'm not the only one! Buddy. (Makes clicking sound)
(Chuckles)
We both did finger guns.
Focus, Jules. You're meeting with the Petersons.
Remember, their house has that really nice - fence!
(Tires screech)
Mr. and Mrs. Peterson, hey!
Let me tell you why I'm the right person
to sell your house.
Well, let me get my listing agreement.
Now this is a great Merlot,
and I can sell you a case of it at an amazing price.
It's nice, Sara, but the name is throwing me -"hurpã©s"?
It's french. It's er-pay.
Look, I'm gonna put you down for three of 'em.
And, uh, I'll throw in an extra case
if you take me out for dinner. (Chuckles) Are you serious?
(Singsongy) Be careful.
(Normal voice) Check out the outfit-
long-sleeved shirt with a t-shirt over it. Does he Chase after young tail?
His house is like a clown car for barely legal bimbos. Do you two know each other?
No. Tell you what - if you ever want to have a meal
with a grown-up, give me a call.
And, uh, I'm as old as 2 20 year olds,
so maybe it'll feel like a mã©nage ã trois.
(Whispers) French. Thanks for the herpes.
(Chuckles)
It's an inside joke.
Oh, it sounds hilarious.
(Slurps)
Honey, I told you not to talk on your cell while you're driving.
Laurie, I almost died. Where's my wine?
All the glasses are in the dishwasher. Well, use that squeezy bottle that I take to spin class.
(Sighs) I am so not ready to die.
Here's your medicine. What about my funeral?
Do you guys even know what song I want to be played
when I'm being lowered in the casket? (Both) George Michael's "Faith."
That's a lucky guess. Laurie, do you remember your speech?
"She was more than my best friend. She was my life."
And then I sink to my knees, and I scream.
All right. If it feels right, you can throw up.
Done. Yeah, sure, sure.
Travis, honey, come here.
If I die, I need to know that...
You will never be able to move on.
How about I grieve for a few months,
but then I look for you in every girl I date? Deal.
(Laughs) (Snorts, laughs)
What? This is not funny. When I'm gone,
who's gonna help you not become too closed off?
Hmm? And, Laurie, who's gonna make sure
that you believe in yourself? Well...
You know, most people, when they have a near-death experience,
they take a hard look at their o lives.
Well, I don't have any really obvious vices.
(Slurps)
What?
Oh, man, that is good.
Transcript by addic7ed.com
I need to take a look at my own life.
Can you believe that I spend as much money on wine
as I do food? I was surprised, too.
I'm gonna have to cut back on the vino,
yeah, change things up a bit.
Jules, at our age, we are who we are.
There's no more changing. Well, if that's true, then how am I gonna have
my antiques store in Paris? Well, that's easy. You're not.
Well, you just lost your discount. Ohh.
I'm still young enough to totally change who I am. We can only hope.
Hey, come on. I can still change.
That is why I've decided to stop drinking wine for one month. Ha!
Bye. Why would you do that?
You only have, like, two glasses of wine a night.
(Laughs, snorts)
I just came back for that. Bye again.
He eats bananas fast.
Well, still, I've decided to stop drinking wine
for one month, and it's gonna start right now.
Then it's good-bye for a while.
But I love wine, Jules.
Wine is part of some of our best memories.
To Monday!
(All) To Monday! (Clink)
Oh, that was a good Monday. (Chuckles)
But still, there are plenty of times
that we have fun without drinking.
Wait. Am I the blue train?
Oh, who cares? Just roll. (Door opens)
(Scoffs) (Door closes)
I got wine!
(All cheer)
Oh, right. We got wine.
So you're divorced.
How'd your marriage fall apart?
Wow. That is kind of an after- I- put-my-napkin-in-my-lap
kind of question.
Fine. Why don't you ease us in with some of that banter
you use on the young gals? Well, usually we'll start with middle names,
and then we go to favorite numbers,
and then if things are going really well,
then we'll go to kittens versus puppies.
I like puppies more 'cause it tickles when they lick you. Let's just do this.
Now... are you close with your folks? Not a great area.
Okay. Do you see yourself getting married again?
Also a trouble zone.
One time I was trekking through Nepal,
and I had to act out "where can I get a tampon?"
To a monk.
This conversation - harder than that.
Oh, come on. Let... What's your favorite, um...
What's your favorite number? Three.
Three. (Chuckles) Three's pretty cool.
Oh... my God.
Mine's five.
What the hell?
You're - you're 20 minutes late.
Is that my co-captn's hat? He likes to wear it.
Hey, so I'm late. Travis needed a walk.
Come on.
(Growls) His brain loves pancakes, but his tummy does not.
You've been spending all your time with him. Watch out, buddy.
Elevator, Trav. Good boy.
Did you make this for him? (Gate creaks closed)
Yeah. You know, the boat's tough on Travis.
You know, my bed's too small for him to lie across my feet.
So, you know, we sleep face-to-face. I bet his nose is cold and gross.
Yeah, it is at first, but you know, my nose warms his up.
Well, are you just gonna sit there and torture me
by drinking wine? We're in a bar.
Just let me smell it.
(Sniffs) What is that? Syphilis.
Herpes. Herpes.
Mmm. Have a sip. Okay, stop it.
I'm gonna do this. Grayson, you believe in me, don you?
What is it with women your age needing to know how I feel?
Oh, no. Did someone not have fun on his big boy date?
"What happened in your marriage? Are your parents nice?
What are your hopes and dreams?" I mean, who cares?
Why can't we just talk how real people talk? That is how real people talk.
Zinger! Come here, you. All right.
(Both, singsongy) Bing!
No. No "Bing."
Oh, yes, "Bing."
Oh, Tom. Look, I just prefer younger women.
They're simpler. Their hair smells like fruit.
They're just more fun. Are they still more fun after the sex is over?
Uh, that's when they are the most fun.
So pathetic. Yeah.
That's worth a bing?
Hey! Trav, your hair looks good.
Thanks. I'm kind of trying a new look.
Not you, Trav. You, Trav.
This is gonna be years of fun.
I'm gonna go get a camera
and take a picture of my supermodel. Yeah, buddy!
So... you thought you could just waltz on in here
and steal him away from me with that cute hound dog face?
Well, guess what, pally?
I can make that face, too. Ooh!
(Barks) Bobby, he's go - yo, he's gonna kill me!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you talkin' about?
You're just a big old sweetie, aren't you, buddy?
Don't be acting weird, Andy.
(Barks, growls)
Oh, you're good.
Oh, my God. That was, like, so hot.
Hey, I know earlier I said four was my favorite number,
but it's really six.
I was just scared you'd think I was a dork.
(Giggles) So what do you want to do now?
Sometimes being quiet is fun.
(Slowly) Dial Laurie.
(Rings)
(Ring) (Snoring)
Hello?
Bobby? Stupid phone.
Hey, I'm sorry to call you so early.
It's just that I-I've, you know, stopped drinking,
so... (Chuckles) I just have all this energy.
I mean, it's 6:00, and I'm up
it's like I'm a farmer. Oh, what's that noise?
Do you have a girl here?
Without wine, I just feel better.
I - I sleep better. I even remember my dreams.
You know, in one, I was my own siamese twin.
I had this tiny, little right side.
My left side had to push her around
in a little cart with wheels.
We had this great fiancã© named Jason. Does this story go on much longer?
Oh, just until my tiny half murders him.
But in his defense, I will say she was really buggy. Wow.
I'm painting your mailbox.
(Man) Ni hao ma? Niao ma?
Ni hao ma? Ni hao ma?
Seriously, Jules? Mandarin?
Ni hao ma? Ni hao ma?
Ni hao...
(Telephone rings)
(Ring)
(Beep)
Hey, Ellie.
Where are you guys? No one's answering their phones,
and our favorite show's about to start.
All right. I know this sounds crazy,
but seems like everyone's dodging me.
(Beep)
(Sighs)
(Speaks mandarin)
Oh, there you are.
The show's over, but I dvr'd it.
And no spoilers,
but the dead brother guy sang "Cat's in the Cradle."
(Singsongy) Tear fest. Jules...
(Normal voice) Oh, there's no wine, but I did buy everybody
these little environmentally friendly water bottles.
Oh. (All muttering indistinctly)
They even have clips so that you can put 'em on your belt.
Okay. I guess I'm just gonna have to start. Start what?
"Jules, your friends are here because the choices you've made
are hurting the people that you love."
What the hell is this?
This is an intervention, sweetie.
Mom...
You need to start drinking again.
Seriously?
Nothing could ever make me stop loving you
except you not drinking.
12 steps, shmelve steps. Alcohol makes people fun.
I wrote a few things down.
"This is silly."
That's all I wrote, 'cause I think this is silly.
No. I will not drink.
I can't believe you guys,
especially you two. I support both of you
with everything you do,
and if you do something stupid, I don't rub your noses in it.
I mean, I-I may tell strangers at the grocery store.
But if they laugh at you, I say, "no, no, no.
You can't laugh at my friends."
Because that's the kind of person that I am.
(Spanish accent) Bitches be loco. Es verdad.
(Andy chuckles) If no one has anything else to say,
I'd like you all to leave.
Hey. Hey! If you guys aren't taking these, can I have 'em?
They're great!
(Clanking)
(Laughs)
Come on. Just walk him for me.
Of course that's why you called me.
(Singsongy) Careful, arod. Dogs smell jealousy.
No, they smell fear.
Then what am I thinking of? Bees?
(Growls) No, bees smell joy. That's why they ruin picnics.
Now I need my two best friends to get along.
I don't want y'all coming back until you make peace.
(Barking) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
You know how if you eat too much of a certain type of candy,
you never want it again?
Well, that's how I feel about young girls.
(Thump)
Is that the signal you decided on
for when you're not following me? It was.
I am sick of young, silly girls.
I like older gals, you know? It's just easier.
You get to know each other, have sex,
decide who apologizes to who, )
On your way. Yeah, but women our age just want to mess with your head.
You know, it's like they know exactly what to say
to freak you out. Commitment!
Aah!
What do you want?
Honey, you were right.
But, you know, as your best friends,
we should have just been there for you,
I mean, regardless of which one of us is your best, best friend.
(Whispers) Obviously me.
(Normal voice) Anyway...
(Singsongy) I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Jules. I just wanted to win so bad.
Well, I hope you two learned something about what it means-
wait. Is your tongue purple? Stick it out! (Mumbles) I think you two should leave now.
Her lips are purple, too! She's been drinking wine!
J'accuse!
What is this -"c.S.I."? (Guitar chord strums)
So he wouldn't even tell you if he likes his parents?
Plus to be cool, he called the waiter "bro."
That's weak, dude. Dude's still okay, right?
Oh, dude's timeless. Oh, this is so much fun. (Chuckles)
Look, Sara, I'm really sorry that our date made you so angry.
I wasn't angry. I was just disappointed, you know,
with how boring you were. Are you calling me boring?
Not really a hidden message, dude.
Don't you have to get back to your horse dog? He's on a playdate.
Bobby! Stop this crazy thing!
(Barking) Whoa, whoa! Travis! Travis!
Look, honey, life is just too short.
And if you can't be real with someone,
then you're just not that interesting.
I mean, not to me, anyway.
♪
me, neither.
Sorry. I just got caught up in it. She's a fox!
You know what's weird?
After all that, I-I don't even want this anymore. Really?
(Slurps)
Mmm. No.
It's like finding my missing child, but in a glass.
Congratulations, Ellie. You were right.
I can't change. I can't, not even a little bit.
Oh, this stuff is delicious,
but man, it just tastes so empty.
Jules, reel it in. Don't get all weird and poignant.
Cherish the years, Laurie.
And we're off. Oh, boy.
I mean, you're still young.
You' got big changes around every single corner.
I mean, you can still dream about being a-a painter
or a pastry chef or an antiques store owner
in Paris who sells such beautiful old clocks
that they put her picture on the cover of magazines.
I don't think they put your picture on magazines
for selling clocks. Ugh. You know what sucks about getting older?
Is that you still have all the same dreams
that things are gonna be different,
you know, in a year, 10 years, 20, whatever.
But deep down inside, you know those dreams
aren't gonna come true.
You know, I just get out of bed every day,
and I say, oh, this is it, you know?
I am who I am. And then I'll die.
Oh.
Maybe you are done changing.
And that's maybe a good thing,
'cause you're already such an amazing person
and a great friend and an incredible mother.
(Miike snow) ♪...With something ♪
and a great friend nope, didn't help.Ble mother.
Okay. Cheers.
(Grunting)
(Growling)
Ohh!
I want to go he!
(Growling)
♪ am I free or am I tied up? ♪
(grunts) You know what? All right, enough.
I don't like you.
You don't like me. You want to have it out?
Let's have it out right here, right now.
Come on. What are you, chicken?
Come on. Let's do it.
(Imitates punching sounds) Ooh!
In your face!
(Barking)
Whoa!
(Grayson) Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Look, uh, just for the record,
I did not call that waiter "bro." I called him Joe.
That's his name. Really?
No, it's Donny, but "bro" is still cool, and you know it.
All right, fine. You want real?
You're an annoying woman.
Yeah. We sat for two seconds before you started peppering me
with questions about what I want from life.
Look, just let me have a piece of bread,
and then I'll tell you if you're gonna have my baby, okay?
Look, I was married to a woman who betrayed me
so completely that I almost lost all capacity to care
about anything or anyone, but I'm supposed to trust you
because you smiled at me over a glass of wine?
(Chuckles) Give me a break.
♪ I'm still an animal ♪
♪ I change shapes just to hide in this place ♪
what just happened?
You got interesting.
♪ I'm still an animal ♪
(Andy) Help me! Oh, God! Did you just hear something?
Please, somebody, get him off my head! Get off me!
♪
are you ever gonna stop(Cell phone rings)
(Ring)
(Ring) What? What are we stopping?
(Gasps) Are you gonna kill yourself
on the side of the road?
Don't be selfish. Do it at home.
It's a call from a clit. See, after the accident,
I don't talk on the phone anymore when I drive,
because it's too Dan - oh, my God.
Ellie, I've been doing this for years,
and I just stopped. Bite me! I can still change!
I just almost had to die first.
Hey, I bet if I almost died from drinking wine,
I could stop doing that, too. I'm not sure that's a great point.
♪ nobody knows it but me when I slip ♪
I win, world!
I'm gonna have an antiques shop in Paris! That's right.
I'm gonna be on the cover of magazines!
(Honks horn) Aah!
That is not cool!
You guys swear you're okay?
We got it all out.
Then shake on it.
No. (Singsongy) Don't leave him hanging, Andy.
(Barks, growls)
There it is!
Friends forever.
(Lowers voice) This ain't over.
(Normal voice) See you tomorrow, Bobby! See you later!
(Groans)
(Barks)