1
00:00:00,523 --> 00:00:02,873
Kids, I know you think you've heard every story
2
00:00:02,947 --> 00:00:04,681
from back before I met your mother,
3
00:00:04,748 --> 00:00:06,414
but there are some stories you tell
4
00:00:06,481 --> 00:00:08,381
and some stories you don't.
5
00:00:08,448 --> 00:00:09,581
(breathless): Oh, my God!...
6
00:00:09,648 --> 00:00:11,748
(talking gibberish) Oh, my God...
7
00:00:11,815 --> 00:00:13,748
Use your words, Ted.
8
00:00:13,815 --> 00:00:16,414
Okay. Barney, I'm about to go for the belt.
9
00:00:16,481 --> 00:00:17,181
The belt?
10
00:00:17,247 --> 00:00:18,181
The belt.
11
00:00:18,247 --> 00:00:19,481
But that's impossible.
12
00:00:19,548 --> 00:00:20,980
You were up here less than half an hour ago.
13
00:00:21,047 --> 00:00:22,181
(grunts)
14
00:00:22,247 --> 00:00:23,715
(grunts)
15
00:00:23,781 --> 00:00:25,514
(groans) Yes! Advantage-- Ericksen.
16
00:00:25,581 --> 00:00:28,548
Don't get cocky. Wimbledon lasts a fortnight.
17
00:00:28,614 --> 00:00:29,781
"Fortnight."
18
00:00:29,847 --> 00:00:31,247
British words are so cool.
19
00:00:31,314 --> 00:00:33,047
Plus, did you know lawyers there get to wear wigs?
20
00:00:33,114 --> 00:00:34,980
I wear a wig to work, I'm a jackass.
21
00:00:35,047 --> 00:00:36,748
TED: All right.
22
00:00:37,980 --> 00:00:39,514
We can't go. Tournament.
23
00:00:39,581 --> 00:00:41,014
What? We agreed. I suited up...
24
00:00:41,081 --> 00:00:42,548
You take too long to get ready.
25
00:00:42,614 --> 00:00:44,081
What are you talking about?
26
00:00:44,147 --> 00:00:45,681
I got the low maintenance, just-rolled-out-of-bed look.
27
00:00:45,748 --> 00:00:47,147
Yeah, which takes an hour and a half
28
00:00:47,214 --> 00:00:49,748
of waxing, tugging and teasing to achieve.
29
00:00:49,815 --> 00:00:51,214
And then he starts on his hair.
30
00:00:51,281 --> 00:00:53,081
Ace!
31
00:00:53,147 --> 00:00:54,514
Look, are we going or not?
32
00:00:54,581 --> 00:00:55,914
Just go without us. We'll be there in five minutes.
33
00:00:55,980 --> 00:00:56,781
Really?
34
00:00:56,847 --> 00:00:57,980
Yes! Yes!
35
00:00:58,047 --> 00:00:59,481
All right, I'm going down to the bar.
36
00:00:59,548 --> 00:01:00,681
I'm ordering three beers.
37
00:01:00,748 --> 00:01:01,781
I'll see you guys in five minutes.
38
00:01:01,847 --> 00:01:03,581
Three beers, five minutes.
39
00:01:03,648 --> 00:01:05,348
WII ANOUNCER: Love-30! (door closes)
40
00:01:05,414 --> 00:01:06,980
Thanks for lending me these boots.
41
00:01:07,047 --> 00:01:08,414
Where'd you get them from?
42
00:01:08,481 --> 00:01:10,781
This store in the Village had one of those crazy sales.
43
00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:12,648
It was a footwear feeding frenzy.
44
00:01:12,715 --> 00:01:14,548
(shrieking and shouting)
45
00:01:14,614 --> 00:01:16,214
I saw it first!
46
00:01:16,281 --> 00:01:17,548
(screams)
47
00:01:17,614 --> 00:01:20,147
You just made the list, bitch!
48
00:01:20,147 --> 00:01:21,648
So many questions.
49
00:01:21,715 --> 00:01:23,548
Firstly, what do you think would happen
50
00:01:23,614 --> 00:01:25,914
if a guy walked into that store wearing a suit of boots?
51
00:01:25,980 --> 00:01:28,247
You look fantastic in them, Robin.
52
00:01:28,314 --> 00:01:31,214
But don't you think they're a little high for that dress?
53
00:01:31,281 --> 00:01:32,514
Well, that's the point: it's to hide the fact
54
00:01:32,581 --> 00:01:33,880
that I haven't shaved my legs.
55
00:01:33,947 --> 00:01:35,847
I've begun a strict no-shave policy
56
00:01:35,914 --> 00:01:37,014
for the first three dates.
57
00:01:37,081 --> 00:01:38,348
It's all about self-control.
58
00:01:38,414 --> 00:01:40,914
If I don't shave, I must behave.
59
00:01:40,980 --> 00:01:42,648
FYI: It doesn't matter, baby.
60
00:01:42,715 --> 00:01:44,147
Guys just want to get on the green.
61
00:01:44,214 --> 00:01:46,448
They don|'t mind going through the rough.
62
00:01:46,514 --> 00:01:48,281
Shh-clackey! (phone ringing)
63
00:01:48,348 --> 00:01:49,815
Stinson.
64
00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:51,481
All right, the beers are here.
65
00:01:51,548 --> 00:01:52,781
BARNEY: Yeah, we're not go to make it.
66
00:01:52,847 --> 00:01:54,514
Oh, come on! We agreed...
67
00:01:54,581 --> 00:01:56,348
Did Marshall take his pants off?
68
00:01:56,414 --> 00:01:57,414
Yeah, pants are off.
69
00:01:57,481 --> 00:01:59,047
This is Wimbledon, Ted.
70
00:01:59,114 --> 00:02:01,648
I need the freedom and mobility that only underwear can provide.
71
00:02:01,715 --> 00:02:02,748
Cheerio!
72
00:02:02,815 --> 00:02:04,748
Fine.
73
00:02:04,815 --> 00:02:06,181
I don't need friends.
74
00:02:06,247 --> 00:02:07,581
I got you guys.
75
00:02:07,648 --> 00:02:09,348
You guys are my friends,
76
00:02:11,581 --> 00:02:13,748
refreshing friends... and I'm talking to beer.
77
00:02:13,815 --> 00:02:16,581
Ted? Trudy.
78
00:02:16,648 --> 00:02:18,781
Trudy.
79
00:02:18,847 --> 00:02:21,715
Oh, my God. I haven't seen you since...
80
00:02:21,781 --> 00:02:24,348
(moaning ecstatically)
81
00:02:24,414 --> 00:02:26,614
I slept with you and then climbed down the fire escape.
82
00:02:26,681 --> 00:02:28,281
That was you?
83
00:02:28,348 --> 00:02:31,514
I'm kidding. I was super-wasted.
84
00:02:31,581 --> 00:02:34,147
These are not all for me.
85
00:02:34,214 --> 00:02:37,147
No, I was going to call you, but I was so embarrassed.
86
00:02:37,214 --> 00:02:38,414
You were embarrassed?
87
00:02:38,481 --> 00:02:39,748
I was like, "I really like this guy,
88
00:02:39,815 --> 00:02:41,114
"and now I'm climbing out his window,
89
00:02:41,181 --> 00:02:43,214
and I forgot my underwear..."
90
00:02:44,414 --> 00:02:45,681
God, I thought they felt kind of tight.
91
00:02:45,681 --> 00:02:47,681
I'm kidding. I don't wear underwear.
92
00:02:47,748 --> 00:02:49,214
Ladies' underwear.
93
00:02:49,281 --> 00:02:50,114
Often.
94
00:02:50,181 --> 00:02:52,147
Ah! Again, I'm kidding.
95
00:02:52,214 --> 00:02:54,548
I'm so glad I ran into you.
96
00:02:54,614 --> 00:02:56,247
I know. Do you want to...?
-Trudy?!
97
00:02:56,314 --> 00:02:58,147
No way!
98
00:02:58,214 --> 00:02:59,481
Oh, my God! Rachel, how are you?
99
00:02:59,548 --> 00:03:02,414
(both shrieking and laughing)
100
00:03:02,481 --> 00:03:04,147
Ted, this is Rachel.
101
00:03:04,147 --> 00:03:05,314
Hi!
102
00:03:05,381 --> 00:03:07,548
Kappa Epsilon Gamma! Kappa Epsilon Gamma!
103
00:03:07,614 --> 00:03:09,047
Whoo! Whoo!
104
00:03:09,114 --> 00:03:10,715
Wait, let me guess. You guys met in prison.
105
00:03:10,781 --> 00:03:11,980
(laughing)
106
00:03:12,047 --> 00:03:15,314
No! We were sorority sisters.
107
00:03:15,381 --> 00:03:17,681
And best friends forever all sophomore year.
108
00:03:17,748 --> 00:03:19,348
When we weren't at each other's throats.
109
00:03:19,414 --> 00:03:20,847
We could be so competitive.
110
00:03:20,914 --> 00:03:22,481
Uh, but that's all behind us now.
111
00:03:22,548 --> 00:03:24,815
(chanting): Hey, mista! Hey, mista!
112
00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:26,314
Stay away from my sista! Stay away from my sista!
113
00:03:26,381 --> 00:03:28,348
Whoo! Whoo!
114
00:03:28,414 --> 00:03:30,014
We have so much catching up to do.
115
00:03:30,014 --> 00:03:31,381
Okay. Are you going to Stacey's wedding?
116
00:03:31,448 --> 00:03:33,114
Oh, it's off. Apparently, he's into dudes.
117
00:03:33,181 --> 00:03:35,247
Nah! Again? That's like her third one.
118
00:03:35,314 --> 00:03:36,681
TRUDY: I know!
119
00:03:36,748 --> 00:03:38,214
Well, beers, what do you want to do?
120
00:03:38,281 --> 00:03:39,815
We could stay here...
121
00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:42,147
or I know this other place called "My Belly."
122
00:03:42,214 --> 00:03:44,514
So, Trudy and I got a table.
123
00:03:44,581 --> 00:03:46,047
Oh, that's cool. I was going to get out of here anyway.
124
00:03:46,114 --> 00:03:47,114
I'm really tired.
125
00:03:47,181 --> 00:03:49,181
I want you to stay.
126
00:03:49,247 --> 00:03:52,014
...Tired of people who fold early, 'cause I am wide awake!
127
00:03:52,081 --> 00:03:54,947
(giggles)
128
00:03:55,014 --> 00:03:58,081
Okay, guys... be cool.
129
00:04:12,860 --> 00:04:12,994
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
130
00:04:14,321 --> 00:04:15,586
You've been vanquished, old bean.
131
00:04:15,653 --> 00:04:17,321
That's 'cause you distracted me.
132
00:04:17,387 --> 00:04:20,254
You've been hanging crumpet ever since the third set.
133
00:04:20,321 --> 00:04:23,321
(phone rings)
134
00:04:23,387 --> 00:04:25,054
Stinson.
135
00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:27,087
I've got a situation.
136
00:04:27,154 --> 00:04:30,220
Trudy is here-- you know, from the pineapple incident?
137
00:04:30,287 --> 00:04:32,120
Oh, you mean the girl that chalked your pool cue
138
00:04:32,187 --> 00:04:33,920
and then snuck down the fire escape?
139
00:04:33,987 --> 00:04:35,553
Respect.
140
00:04:35,620 --> 00:04:37,020
So, we're hitting it off and then her friend shows up
141
00:04:37,020 --> 00:04:39,054
and they're kind of competiive.
142
00:04:39,120 --> 00:04:40,287
I think the new girl's kind of into me.
143
00:04:40,354 --> 00:04:43,154
So you now have two on the line?
144
00:04:43,220 --> 00:04:44,187
And I don't know which one to go for.
145
00:04:45,620 --> 00:04:47,954
Given the choice, always party with Dr. Strangelove.
146
00:04:48,020 --> 00:04:49,453
New girl? What new girl?
147
00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:50,820
Two girls are allegedly vying
148
00:04:50,887 --> 00:04:52,354
for Ted's affections, and I think...
149
00:04:52,421 --> 00:04:53,987
Oh, you don't know what you're talking about.
150
00:04:54,054 --> 00:04:55,254
Give it to me.
151
00:04:55,321 --> 00:04:57,054
Are they friends?
152
00:04:57,120 --> 00:04:57,920
Yeah. Uh, no-- I-I don't know. They're old sorority sisters.
153
00:04:57,987 --> 00:04:59,653
Are they Betas?
154
00:05:01,720 --> 00:05:03,820
Because I didn't want to be in their sorority anyway.
155
00:05:03,887 --> 00:05:05,787
They're Kappas, and...
156
00:05:05,853 --> 00:05:07,087
I think I can score with one of them.
157
00:05:07,154 --> 00:05:08,387
I don't know which one,
158
00:05:08,453 --> 00:05:10,020
and if I choose wrong, I lose them both.
159
00:05:10,087 --> 00:05:11,720
Okay, well, don't worry.
160
00:05:11,787 --> 00:05:12,620
I'll-I'll come down and help you figure it out.
161
00:05:14,486 --> 00:05:16,087
I thought we were in for the evening?
162
00:05:16,154 --> 00:05:18,486
That's what I thought about your bangers and mash down there,
163
00:05:18,553 --> 00:05:20,120
but I guess we're both wrong, guv'na.
164
00:05:22,987 --> 00:05:24,453
Hey. Oh, Ted. Okay...
165
00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:26,220
Settle an argument. Mm-hmm.
166
00:05:26,287 --> 00:05:28,387
Is it stealing if you go out with someone's boyfriend
167
00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:29,954
after they've broken up?
168
00:05:30,020 --> 00:05:31,553
Well, that's very complicated...
169
00:05:31,620 --> 00:05:33,154
See?! He agrees with me.
170
00:05:33,220 --> 00:05:35,120
You're such a little manthief.
171
00:05:37,020 --> 00:05:39,321
Oh, somebody should lock you girls up.
172
00:05:39,387 --> 00:05:40,753
(giggling)
173
00:05:40,820 --> 00:05:42,520
You're so funny.
174
00:05:42,586 --> 00:05:44,687
I think Ted is funny.
175
00:05:44,753 --> 00:05:48,954
Really? I think Ted is hilarious.
176
00:05:49,020 --> 00:05:51,586
(phone rings) I am never not wearing a suit again.
177
00:05:51,653 --> 00:05:52,820
Hello?
178
00:05:52,887 --> 00:05:54,120
It's me. I'm at the bar.
179
00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:55,486
Don't look. Just call me "Mom."
180
00:05:55,553 --> 00:05:58,887
Uh, hey, Mom. How's Dad's... colon?
181
00:05:58,954 --> 00:06:01,321
What? What's the matter with you?
182
00:06:01,387 --> 00:06:04,887
Anyway, both of these girls are into you; take your pick.
183
00:06:04,954 --> 00:06:07,254
They are? Are you sure. Yes, of course.
184
00:06:07,321 --> 00:06:09,321
They're playing with their hair and touching your arm.
185
00:06:09,387 --> 00:06:10,753
Classic green light.
186
00:06:10,820 --> 00:06:12,553
Are you positive?
187
00:06:12,620 --> 00:06:15,220
Oh, that is so fascinating.
188
00:06:15,287 --> 00:06:16,586
So what happened?
189
00:06:16,653 --> 00:06:18,321
Well, after 18 hours of surgery,
190
00:06:18,387 --> 00:06:19,753
I closed, and, thankfully,
191
00:06:19,820 --> 00:06:21,820
both girls just celebrated their second birthday.
192
00:06:21,887 --> 00:06:24,887
Wow. Gosh, separating conjoined twins,
193
00:06:24,954 --> 00:06:28,387
that must be the most amazing feeling.
194
00:06:28,453 --> 00:06:29,920
True, but now the parents don't know what to do
195
00:06:29,987 --> 00:06:32,154
with their huge supply of four-legged overalls.
196
00:06:32,220 --> 00:06:34,787
(laughing)
That is so funny.
197
00:06:34,853 --> 00:06:37,586
You're so funny.
198
00:06:37,586 --> 00:06:39,920
LILY: Positive. They both want you bad.
199
00:06:39,987 --> 00:06:42,720
It's a clearance sale and you're the boots, baby.
200
00:06:44,421 --> 00:06:45,954
Oh, it's Robin. Good luck!
201
00:06:46,020 --> 00:06:47,020
Bye, Mom.
202
00:06:47,087 --> 00:06:49,520
That's my mom.
203
00:06:49,586 --> 00:06:50,321
Hello?
204
00:06:51,486 --> 00:06:52,920
-Bring me a razor.
-What about the no-shave rule?
205
00:06:52,987 --> 00:06:54,687
What happened to your convictions?
206
00:06:54,753 --> 00:06:58,020
They've been surgically removed by Dr. Awesome.
207
00:06:58,087 --> 00:06:59,321
No, I'm not doing it.
208
00:06:59,387 --> 00:07:01,220
The whole point to not shaving was to...
209
00:07:01,287 --> 00:07:02,820
Lily, please! He's really cute,
210
00:07:02,887 --> 00:07:05,054
and I really like him, and he's got a British accent.
211
00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:06,620
I'm on my way.
212
00:07:06,687 --> 00:07:09,486
So this college boyfriend, who won him?
213
00:07:09,553 --> 00:07:11,154
Neither of us.
214
00:07:11,220 --> 00:07:13,486
He left. Junior year abroad.
215
00:07:13,553 --> 00:07:15,553
It's really too bad, 'cause...
216
00:07:15,620 --> 00:07:19,887
there was that one thing we wanted to do.
217
00:07:19,954 --> 00:07:21,220
We were going to do...
218
00:07:21,287 --> 00:07:23,387
but we never did.
219
00:07:23,453 --> 00:07:26,586
Why? Wait, what were you guys going to do but never did?
220
00:07:26,653 --> 00:07:27,853
No, it's too embarrassing.
221
00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:29,321
You tell him. No, you tell him.
222
00:07:29,387 --> 00:07:30,520
No, I don't care if you don't care.
223
00:07:30,586 --> 00:07:31,453
Well, I don't care. I just...
224
00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:33,620
Nobody cares! Just say it.
225
00:07:33,687 --> 00:07:36,387
Why don't we tell him together?
226
00:07:36,453 --> 00:07:37,820
Okay.
227
00:07:37,887 --> 00:07:39,154
On three.
228
00:07:43,220 --> 00:07:44,987
One... -Well, he's right: it'a dead heat.
-Two...
229
00:07:45,054 --> 00:07:46,287
Neither one is giving ground.
230
00:07:46,354 --> 00:07:48,254
I could not tell who was the third wheel.
231
00:07:48,321 --> 00:07:49,687
...three.
232
00:07:49,753 --> 00:07:51,254
It's a tricycle.
233
00:07:51,321 --> 00:07:53,321
No way, no way, no way!
234
00:07:53,387 --> 00:07:54,586
What's happening?
235
00:07:54,653 --> 00:07:56,020
It's a tricycle.
236
00:07:56,087 --> 00:07:57,920
No way, no way, no way.
237
00:07:57,987 --> 00:07:59,154
It's a tricycle.
238
00:07:59,220 --> 00:08:00,620
Well, I'll just say it right now.
239
00:08:00,687 --> 00:08:02,687
All sorority girls are sluts.
240
00:08:02,753 --> 00:08:04,453
Put him on speaker.
241
00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:05,553
So what you're saying to us right now
242
00:08:05,620 --> 00:08:08,287
is that you have a shot at the belt?
243
00:08:08,354 --> 00:08:09,486
Wait-wait-wait. What belt?
244
00:08:09,553 --> 00:08:11,087
Well, Barney and I have
245
00:08:11,154 --> 00:08:12,720
this running joke that the first guy
to actually pull this off
246
00:08:12,787 --> 00:08:14,553
would "win" the championship belt.
247
00:08:14,620 --> 00:08:17,453
Oh, so it's a metaphorical belt, right?
248
00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:19,149
Behold!
249
00:08:20,354 --> 00:08:22,321
You actually bought a belt...
250
00:08:22,387 --> 00:08:24,120
That's right. It's resplendent.
251
00:08:24,187 --> 00:08:26,154
Come on, it was just a thing we said.
252
00:08:26,220 --> 00:08:27,787
We were kidding around.
253
00:08:27,853 --> 00:08:29,220
I never kid.
254
00:08:29,287 --> 00:08:30,553
Remember you said if I ever slept with that girl
255
00:08:30,620 --> 00:08:32,187
from Days of Our Lives, I'd be the king?
256
00:08:32,254 --> 00:08:34,187
Well...
257
00:08:37,787 --> 00:08:39,453
Why wasn't I told about the belt?
258
00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:40,620
I could go for the belt.
259
00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:42,720
(Barney, Lily, Ted laugh)
260
00:08:44,453 --> 00:08:51,154
If Lily would've died before me, then I could ride the tricycle.
261
00:08:51,220 --> 00:08:53,154
If I died, I would have just come back to haunt your penis.
-Guys, come on! Help me out. What do I do?
262
00:08:53,220 --> 00:08:55,987
All right, Ted, if you're going to go for the belt,
263
00:08:56,054 --> 00:08:58,154
then the bylaws require me to ask the following questions:
264
00:08:58,220 --> 00:09:01,553
One: Is the aggregate age of all participants under 83?
265
00:09:01,620 --> 00:09:02,853
Yes.
266
00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:04,687
Two: Is the aggregate weight of all participants
267
00:09:04,753 --> 00:09:06,354
under 400 pounds?
268
00:09:06,421 --> 00:09:07,421
Yes.
269
00:09:07,486 --> 00:09:09,553
Theodore Mosby...
270
00:09:11,154 --> 00:09:12,421
are you paying these women?
-What? No!
271
00:09:12,486 --> 00:09:14,887
Ted...
272
00:09:14,954 --> 00:09:16,486
No. Look, I got to go. They're going to think
273
00:09:20,354 --> 00:09:22,753
I inherited my dad's imaginary bathroom issues.
...Oh, are you guys leaving?
274
00:09:22,820 --> 00:09:26,187
Well, it is getting pretty late.
275
00:09:26,254 --> 00:09:28,187
Right. Well, well, it's been...
276
00:09:28,254 --> 00:09:30,287
Maybe we could all go listen to that Wilco CD
277
00:09:30,287 --> 00:09:32,520
you talked about before.
278
00:09:32,586 --> 00:09:34,220
Great! I have it right upstairs.
279
00:09:34,287 --> 00:09:36,853
It's in my apartment upstairs. Let's go upstairs.
280
00:09:39,753 --> 00:09:41,753
I'm sorry. Where was your apartment again?
-Ha, that's funny. I love that.
281
00:09:41,820 --> 00:09:43,753
You should tell more jokes in my apartment upstairs.
282
00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:51,421
Scenario #12: We're in a horrific car crash.
283
00:09:51,486 --> 00:09:53,387
You die. I'm left paralyzed.
284
00:09:53,453 --> 00:09:55,954
Two sexy nurses, with a six-pack of wine coolers,
285
00:09:56,020 --> 00:09:57,220
sneak into my room late at night.
286
00:09:57,287 --> 00:09:59,586
I try to blink at them in Morse code.
287
00:09:59,653 --> 00:10:03,586
"Please, don't. I love my dead wife."
288
00:10:03,653 --> 00:10:05,087
But they're medical profesionals,
289
00:10:05,154 --> 00:10:08,421
and I got to think that, somehow,
they're saving my life.
290
00:10:08,486 --> 00:10:10,220
Fine. Sleep with your nurses.
291
00:10:10,287 --> 00:10:12,120
Tonight you ride the unicycle.
292
00:10:12,187 --> 00:10:14,254
I already did this morning.
293
00:10:15,853 --> 00:10:18,054
(phone rings) Hello.
294
00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:21,120
Lily, I have pounded three cappuccinos waiting for you.
295
00:10:21,187 --> 00:10:22,520
Pretty soon, I won't have to shave--
296
00:10:22,586 --> 00:10:24,887
the hair is going to vibrate off my legs.
297
00:10:24,954 --> 00:10:26,687
I'm sorry, I can't leave now.
298
00:10:26,753 --> 00:10:28,154
Lily, he can't see my legs like this.
299
00:10:28,220 --> 00:10:29,987
I look like a Turkish lesbian.
300
00:10:31,354 --> 00:10:34,321
There's, um, a pharmacy across the street.
301
00:10:34,387 --> 00:10:35,753
Would 20 bucks buy me a razor?
302
00:10:35,820 --> 00:10:37,486
No, but 50 will.
303
00:10:38,987 --> 00:10:41,287
(phone beeps) Hold on. Ted's texting me.
304
00:10:41,354 --> 00:10:44,987
"We're combing upsars."
305
00:10:46,954 --> 00:10:49,054
"Combing upsars"? What does it mean?
-It means they're coming upstairs.
306
00:10:51,154 --> 00:10:53,287
(laughter)
307
00:10:56,421 --> 00:10:57,653
Got 'em.
308
00:10:57,720 --> 00:10:58,787
(chuckles nervously)
309
00:11:00,421 --> 00:11:03,154
Ooh! Nice place.
310
00:11:03,220 --> 00:11:05,254
Hey, are these your roommates?
311
00:11:05,321 --> 00:11:08,020
Yes. Uh, yes, but they are not here.
312
00:11:08,087 --> 00:11:09,653
They are somewhere else.
313
00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:11,620
We have total privacy
314
00:11:11,687 --> 00:11:15,520
because privacy is essential when you're listening to music.
315
00:11:15,586 --> 00:11:18,987
You know what else is essential when you're listening to music?
316
00:11:19,787 --> 00:11:21,287
Music.
317
00:11:21,354 --> 00:11:22,920
That's hilarious.
318
00:11:22,987 --> 00:11:24,187
You are hilarious!
319
00:11:24,254 --> 00:11:25,653
I'll go get it in my bedroom.
320
00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:27,120
The CD's in my bedroom.
321
00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:28,486
Bedroom...
322
00:11:28,553 --> 00:11:30,954
Okay. We'll try and stay out of trouble.
323
00:11:31,020 --> 00:11:32,620
Of course, we can't promise anything.
324
00:11:32,687 --> 00:11:34,920
(both giggling)
325
00:11:34,987 --> 00:11:37,387
This is going to be awesome.
326
00:11:40,553 --> 00:11:42,920
(whispering loudly): No!
327
00:11:43,692 --> 00:11:44,732
What are you guys doing here?!
328
00:11:45,255 --> 00:11:45,700
I've got... I've got... I've got...
329
00:11:45,793 --> 00:11:47,326
We know, Ted, well done.
330
00:11:47,589 --> 00:11:50,559
This is very impressive. Up top.
-Yeah, bro, up top.
331
00:11:50,188 --> 00:11:51,486
.
332
00:11:51,521 --> 00:11:51,926
Oh, don't be gross.
333
00:11:52,519 --> 00:11:53,452
TED: You guys need to get out of her||
334
00:11:53,519 --> 00:11:55,319
Please, take the fire escape.
335
00:11:55,385 --> 00:11:56,718
No, no way.
336
00:11:56,785 --> 00:11:58,385
The other day I saw a pigeon take a crap on it,
337
00:11:58,452 --> 00:12:01,452
and the whole thing shifted.
338
00:12:01,519 --> 00:12:02,985
Oh, you can use our bedroom.
339
00:12:03,052 --> 00:12:04,618
Okay, all I need to seal the deal
340
00:12:04,685 --> 00:12:06,718
is the Wilco CD, Barney.
341
00:12:09,885 --> 00:12:11,018
(gasping)
342
00:12:11,085 --> 00:12:12,018
What are you doing?!
343
00:12:12,085 --> 00:12:14,219
I cannot allow Ted to do this.
344
00:12:14,285 --> 00:12:15,452
Wh-what? Why?
345
00:12:15,519 --> 00:12:17,285
Because the belt is my birthright!
346
00:12:17,352 --> 00:12:18,785
You cannot claim it before I do.
347
00:12:18,852 --> 00:12:21,618
That would be like Jimmy Olsen capturing Lex Luther.
348
00:12:21,685 --> 00:12:23,818
...While Superman watches impotently from the bedroom.
349
00:12:23,885 --> 00:12:27,119
But, Barney, you've done stuff that is way dirtier.
350
00:12:27,185 --> 00:12:29,052
You're disgusting.
351
00:12:29,119 --> 00:12:31,452
I've never ridden the tricycle.
352
00:12:32,486 --> 00:12:33,651
I was on the verge last year.
353
00:12:33,718 --> 00:12:35,119
I was so close.
354
00:12:35,185 --> 00:12:37,052
(all giggling)
355
00:12:37,119 --> 00:12:39,785
So, ladies, why don't we move this party
356
00:12:39,852 --> 00:12:43,018
to a more horizontal location?
357
00:12:43,085 --> 00:12:44,751
Oh, my God, my new carpet!
358
00:12:44,818 --> 00:12:46,219
Oh, my God, this is a disaster.
359
00:12:46,285 --> 00:12:47,852
You get the carpet cleaner. I'll get a towel.
360
00:12:47,918 --> 00:12:49,285
Okay. I'll get the video camera.
361
00:12:49,352 --> 00:12:51,618
Get out! -Okay then.
362
00:12:51,685 --> 00:12:52,852
So let me get this straight.
363
00:12:52,918 --> 00:12:54,452
You're going to trike-block me?
364
00:12:54,519 --> 00:12:57,818
That is so petty. It's like you're...
365
00:12:57,885 --> 00:12:59,319
Tom Petty. Tom Petty.
366
00:12:59,385 --> 00:13:00,419
You're Tom Petty.
367
00:13:00,486 --> 00:13:02,818
Where's Lily?
368
00:13:05,219 --> 00:13:06,885
I'm still looking for that CD,
369
00:13:06,952 --> 00:13:08,519
so...
370
00:13:11,052 --> 00:13:12,285
(whispering): What are you doing?
371
00:13:12,352 --> 00:13:14,185
I knew it. I had a hunch about that girl
372
00:13:14,252 --> 00:13:15,419
and I was right.
373
00:13:15,486 --> 00:13:17,718
(shouting): I saw it first!
374
00:13:19,085 --> 00:13:21,252
You just made the list, bitch.
375
00:13:22,918 --> 00:13:25,618
I cannot give up my bedroom to a boot thief.
376
00:13:25,685 --> 00:13:27,586
She should be punished, not rewarded.
377
00:13:27,651 --> 00:13:30,119
Fine, then I'll try to work in a little light spanking. Just do this for me!
378
00:13:30,185 --> 00:13:31,618
No, never.
379
00:13:31,685 --> 00:13:33,352
What if I reimburse you for the boots? Full retail?
380
00:13:33,419 --> 00:13:34,918
Please enjoy our bedroom. -Great!
381
00:13:34,985 --> 00:13:36,519
Just take it.
382
00:13:36,586 --> 00:13:38,618
Okay, wish me luck.
383
00:13:45,952 --> 00:13:47,119
Oh, my God. It looks fine.
384
00:13:47,185 --> 00:13:49,052
You're such a girl.
385
00:13:49,119 --> 00:13:50,818
Where's the shaving cream?
386
00:13:50,885 --> 00:13:52,319
Well, you didn't ask me for shaving cream.
387
00:13:52,385 --> 00:13:53,651
Well, it was implied.
388
00:13:53,718 --> 00:13:55,452
Who buys a razor without buying shaving cream?
389
00:13:55,519 --> 00:13:57,219
Well, who doesn't shave their legs for a date?
390
00:13:57,285 --> 00:13:59,552
Well, who's not getting a tip because of her attitude?
391
00:13:59,618 --> 00:14:01,018
Well, here's a little tip for you:
392
00:14:01,085 --> 00:14:03,818
shave your legs before you leave the house, Sasquatch.
393
00:14:07,319 --> 00:14:10,018
Hey, Robin, um, the valet's brought the car around.
394
00:14:10,085 --> 00:14:11,452
I thought we'd go to my place,
395
00:14:11,519 --> 00:14:13,152
if you're in the mood for a nightcap.
396
00:14:13,219 --> 00:14:16,452
Absolutely. I just have to go to the ladies' room.
397
00:14:16,519 --> 00:14:18,419
I've got TB.
398
00:14:18,486 --> 00:14:19,618
Tiny bladder.
399
00:14:20,818 --> 00:14:21,952
I'll meet you out front.
400
00:14:22,018 --> 00:14:24,185
Yeah.
401
00:14:41,219 --> 00:14:43,519
You've got to be kidding me.
...Excuse me. Sorry.
402
00:15:03,152 --> 00:15:05,685
So, I'm having a little trouble finding the CD.
403
00:15:05,751 --> 00:15:08,152
That's okay.
404
00:15:08,219 --> 00:15:11,085
We don't need music to have fun.
405
00:15:11,152 --> 00:15:12,486
Exactly.
406
00:15:13,751 --> 00:15:16,918
You do like to have fun, don't you, Ted?
407
00:15:17,952 --> 00:15:19,952
(heart pounding)
408
00:15:27,385 --> 00:15:29,385
It's getting late. I'll get your coats.
409
00:15:33,552 --> 00:15:35,152
"I'll get your coats"?!
410
00:15:35,219 --> 00:15:36,885
I don't know why I said that? Why'd I say that?
411
00:15:36,952 --> 00:15:38,219
It's the opposite of what I meant.
412
00:15:38,285 --> 00:15:39,718
I wanna take clothes off them, not put more on.
413
00:15:39,785 --> 00:15:43,319
Ted, you're ruining this for everyone.
414
00:15:43,385 --> 00:15:44,651
Leave him alone!
415
00:15:44,718 --> 00:15:46,152
Sometimes,
416
00:15:46,219 --> 00:15:48,985
even the greatest warriors shoot themselves in the foot.
417
00:15:49,052 --> 00:15:50,651
What are you talking about?
418
00:15:50,718 --> 00:15:54,419
If you must know, it wasn't a freak beverage malfunction
419
00:15:54,486 --> 00:15:56,952
that stopped me from riding the tricycle that night.
420
00:15:57,018 --> 00:15:58,918
So, Barney, why don't we
421
00:15:58,985 --> 00:16:01,985
take this party to a more horizontal location?
422
00:16:04,018 --> 00:16:06,018
(heart pounding)
423
00:16:14,252 --> 00:16:16,519
Oh, no, the night's ruined!
424
00:16:16,586 --> 00:16:18,119
No, baby, it's not.
425
00:16:18,185 --> 00:16:20,252
Yes, it is! Whatever this night was heading towards is ruined.
426
00:16:20,319 --> 00:16:21,419
Where's my coat?
427
00:16:22,718 --> 00:16:24,818
Why would you do that to yourself?
428
00:16:24,885 --> 00:16:26,486
Because you get up in your head, man.
429
00:16:26,552 --> 00:16:28,052
You start thinking,
430
00:16:28,119 --> 00:16:30,119
"I can't do this. It's two women."
431
00:16:30,185 --> 00:16:32,319
That's two of everything, four of some things.
432
00:16:32,385 --> 00:16:36,052
The logistics alone are enough to cripple even a pro like me.
433
00:16:36,119 --> 00:16:38,018
See? If a complete degenerate like Barney choked,
434
00:16:38,085 --> 00:16:39,385
what chance do I have?
435
00:16:39,452 --> 00:16:42,519
The best chance in the world.
436
00:16:44,185 --> 00:16:47,285
Fear took the belt from me.
437
00:16:47,352 --> 00:16:51,119
Fear rode the tricycle that night, my friends.
438
00:16:51,185 --> 00:16:53,751
But fear will not get a second turn.
439
00:16:53,818 --> 00:16:56,918
It won't?
-No!
440
00:16:56,985 --> 00:17:00,285
Because I now realize it isn't my destiny to win the belt.
441
00:17:00,352 --> 00:17:03,486
It is my destiny to help my friend win it.
442
00:17:04,751 --> 00:17:08,751
Ted is fated to go there first.
443
00:17:08,818 --> 00:17:10,718
He is our Neil Armstrong.
444
00:17:11,852 --> 00:17:13,419
(laughs)
Spacesuit up, Ted,
445
00:17:13,486 --> 00:17:14,651
'cause you're going to the moon.
446
00:17:14,718 --> 00:17:15,785
Step one.
447
00:17:17,818 --> 00:17:19,852
Ladies,
448
00:17:19,918 --> 00:17:21,419
I couldn't find your coats,
449
00:17:21,486 --> 00:17:23,818
but I did find... tequila.
450
00:17:23,818 --> 00:17:25,651
(squealing)
451
00:17:27,018 --> 00:17:28,952
Wait, wait, wait, a remote control fireplace?
452
00:17:29,018 --> 00:17:30,486
We don't have a remote control fireplace.
453
00:17:30,552 --> 00:17:32,119
Right, that's my apartment.
454
00:17:32,185 --> 00:17:33,519
The dressing gown's mine, too.
455
00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:34,952
Damn, this should be me.
456
00:17:35,018 --> 00:17:36,352
Anyway, continuing...
457
00:17:36,419 --> 00:17:38,785
(music playing)
458
00:17:38,852 --> 00:17:40,852
Whew! (moans)
459
00:17:42,519 --> 00:17:45,119
I am so exhausted.
460
00:17:45,185 --> 00:17:48,319
So exhausted.
461
00:17:48,385 --> 00:17:50,519
Wait, why would I want to tire them out?
462
00:17:50,586 --> 00:17:52,918
That's your excuse to unleash pretext
463
00:17:52,985 --> 00:17:54,586
for physical contact #1.
464
00:17:56,419 --> 00:18:01,119
Oh, you give the most amazing foot massage.
465
00:18:01,185 --> 00:18:03,452
That's 'cause I used to practice
466
00:18:03,519 --> 00:18:05,818
all the time on my grandmother.
467
00:18:05,885 --> 00:18:08,152
Why in God's name would I say that?
468
00:18:08,219 --> 00:18:10,085
It's endearing. You're a caregiver.
469
00:18:10,152 --> 00:18:11,918
Never take family values out of the equation.
470
00:18:13,552 --> 00:18:16,152
Step three...
(sighs)
471
00:18:16,219 --> 00:18:18,252
Ted, what's wrong?
472
00:18:18,319 --> 00:18:22,352
I was just thinking about this documentary I saw once
473
00:18:22,419 --> 00:18:24,519
about something called a super-volcano.
474
00:18:25,385 --> 00:18:26,685
Okay, what the hell?
475
00:18:26,751 --> 00:18:27,985
Wait for it.
476
00:18:28,052 --> 00:18:29,852
It can happen at any time.
477
00:18:31,085 --> 00:18:33,419
And obliterate all life on Earth,
478
00:18:33,486 --> 00:18:36,018
which is why I live by three simple words.
479
00:18:37,185 --> 00:18:40,918
Don't postpone joy.
480
00:18:41,852 --> 00:18:43,952
Oh, my God.
481
00:18:44,018 --> 00:18:45,852
That's so true.
482
00:18:45,918 --> 00:18:47,918
Yeah.
483
00:18:50,718 --> 00:18:52,119
The mortality angle.
484
00:18:52,185 --> 00:18:53,718
That's actually pretty good.
485
00:18:55,952 --> 00:18:57,519
I can do this.
-Yes, you can.
486
00:18:57,586 --> 00:18:59,718
Yeah. I can't believe I'm going to say this,
487
00:18:59,785 --> 00:19:02,552
but I'm actually moved.
488
00:19:06,052 --> 00:19:08,052
Bring it in, guys.
489
00:19:11,219 --> 00:19:13,419
Alright. I'll see you on the other side.
490
00:19:26,319 --> 00:19:28,319
(giggling)
491
00:19:39,018 --> 00:19:45,651
(giggling)
492
00:19:45,718 --> 00:19:47,751
So, what happened next? Did you do it?
493
00:19:47,818 --> 00:19:49,952
It doesn't seem right to talk about it.
494
00:19:50,018 --> 00:19:52,618
What? No! Tell me.
495
00:19:54,319 --> 00:19:55,985
Don't tell me because you don't have to,
496
00:19:56,052 --> 00:19:57,452
because you didn't do it.
497
00:19:58,718 --> 00:20:00,452
You didn't do it. You did it.
498
00:20:00,519 --> 00:20:01,918
You did it, didn't you?
499
00:20:01,985 --> 00:20:03,352
Did you?
500
00:20:03,419 --> 00:20:04,452
You didn't do it.
501
00:20:04,519 --> 00:20:06,285
Yes, you did. You did.
502
00:20:06,352 --> 00:20:07,352
No, you didn't.
503
00:20:07,419 --> 00:20:09,285
Tell me!
504
00:20:09,352 --> 00:20:12,252
Some stories you tell, some stories you don't.
505
00:20:12,319 --> 00:20:14,419
That's because you didn't do it.
506
00:20:14,486 --> 00:20:16,385
He didn't do it.
507
00:20:16,452 --> 00:20:18,052
You did it. You did it, didn't you?
508
00:20:18,119 --> 00:20:19,419
You did it. Tell me, did you?
509
00:20:20,352 --> 00:20:21,552
Ted, belt. Did you?
510
00:20:21,618 --> 00:20:22,718
Did you or didn't you?
511
00:20:22,785 --> 00:20:24,185
Did?
512
00:20:24,252 --> 00:20:25,486
Tell me, please. For the love...
513
00:20:25,552 --> 00:20:26,918
Do you know if he did or didn't?
514
00:20:28,513 --> 00:20:29,946
Oh, hey, um...
515
00:20:30,013 --> 00:20:32,046
would you go in there and see if my date's okay?
516
00:20:32,113 --> 00:20:33,113
No problem.
517
00:20:33,180 --> 00:20:34,813
Thank you.
518
00:20:41,279 --> 00:20:45,913
No, nobody's in there, but the window's actually open.
519
00:20:45,980 --> 00:20:47,946
I guess I shouldn't be so surprised.
520
00:20:48,013 --> 00:20:50,113
I mean, she was acting weird all night, right?
521
00:20:50,180 --> 00:20:52,813
Yeah, you know... (laughs)
522
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:55,147
why don't I buy you a drink?
523
00:20:55,213 --> 00:20:56,913
Okay.
524
00:20:56,980 --> 00:20:59,247
Did I overhear that you're a surgeon?
525
00:20:59,247 --> 00:21:00,880
Guilty as charged.
526
00:21:00,946 --> 00:21:01,880
(chuckles)
527
00:21:01,946 --> 00:21:04,180
Oh, you're so funny.
528
00:21:05,213 --> 00:21:06,247
I'm here!
529
00:21:06,312 --> 00:21:07,513
I'm fine!
530
00:21:07,579 --> 00:21:09,446
My head is bleeding.
531
00:21:09,513 --> 00:21:10,846
Going down again.