1
00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:02,900
Kids, I know you think
that you've heard every story
2
00:00:02,900 --> 00:00:04,700
from back before I met
your mother,
3
00:00:04,700 --> 00:00:06,400
but there are
some stories you tell
4
00:00:06,600 --> 00:00:08,200
and some stories you don't.
5
00:00:08,700 --> 00:00:11,600
Oh, my God!...
Oh, my God...
6
00:00:11,700 --> 00:00:13,000
- Use your words, Ted.
- Okay.
7
00:00:14,200 --> 00:00:15,300
Barney,
8
00:00:15,400 --> 00:00:17,200
- I'm about to go for the belt.
- The belt?
9
00:00:17,300 --> 00:00:18,800
- The belt.
- But that's impossible.
10
00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:20,400
You were up here
less than half an hour ago.
11
00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:25,400
Yes! Advantage Ericksen.
12
00:00:25,500 --> 00:00:26,900
Don't get cocky.
13
00:00:26,900 --> 00:00:29,500
- Wimbledon lasts a fortnight.
- Fortnight.
14
00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:31,300
British words are so cool.
15
00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:33,000
Plus, did you know lawyers
there get to wear wigs?
16
00:00:33,100 --> 00:00:35,000
I wear a wig to work,
I'm a jackass.
17
00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:38,100
All right. I'm ready.
Let's hit it.
18
00:00:38,100 --> 00:00:39,100
We can't go. Tournament.
19
00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:40,900
What? We agreed. I suited up...
20
00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:42,600
You take too long
to get ready.
21
00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:43,400
What are you talking about?
22
00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:45,300
I got the low maintenance,
just-rolled-out-of-bed look.
23
00:00:45,300 --> 00:00:47,900
Yeah, which takes an hour
and a half of waxing,
24
00:00:47,900 --> 00:00:49,800
tugging and teasing to achieve.
25
00:00:49,900 --> 00:00:51,100
And then he starts on his hair.
26
00:00:51,300 --> 00:00:52,000
Ace!
27
00:00:53,300 --> 00:00:54,200
Look, are we going or not?
28
00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:55,900
Just go without us.
We'll be there in five minutes.
29
00:00:55,900 --> 00:00:56,600
Really?
30
00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:57,800
- Yes!
- Yes!
31
00:00:57,900 --> 00:00:59,300
All right, I'm going
down to the bar.
32
00:00:59,300 --> 00:01:01,700
I'm ordering three beers.
I'll see you guys in five minutes.
33
00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:04,100
Three beers, five minutes.
34
00:01:05,300 --> 00:01:07,700
Thanks for lending me these boots.
Where'd you get them from?
35
00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:10,600
This store in the Village
had one of those crazy sales.
36
00:01:10,600 --> 00:01:12,400
It was a footwear feeding frenzy.
37
00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:16,500
I saw it first!
38
00:01:18,100 --> 00:01:19,800
You just made the list, bitch!
39
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:21,400
So many questions.
40
00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:23,700
Firstly, what do you think would
happen if a guy walked into that store
41
00:01:23,700 --> 00:01:25,700
wearing a suit of boots?
44
00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:33,600
Well, that's the point: It's to hide
that fact that I haven't shaved my legs.
45
00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:36,000
I've begun a strict no-shave policy
46
00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:37,000
for the first three dates.
47
00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:38,300
It's all about self-control.
48
00:01:38,300 --> 00:01:40,500
If I don't shave, I must behave.
49
00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:42,700
FYI: It doesn't matter, baby.
50
00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:45,500
Guys just want to get on the green.
They don't mind going through the rough.
51
00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:47,100
Shh-clackey!
52
00:01:49,100 --> 00:01:49,800
Stinson.
53
00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:51,500
All right, the beers are here.
54
00:01:51,500 --> 00:01:52,700
Yeah, we're not going to make it.
55
00:01:52,700 --> 00:01:54,800
Oh, come on! We agreed...
56
00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:56,200
Did Marshall take his pants off?
57
00:01:56,300 --> 00:01:57,400
Yeah, pants are off.
58
00:01:57,400 --> 00:01:58,700
This is Wimbledon, Ted.
59
00:01:58,700 --> 00:02:01,700
I need the freedom and mobility
that only underwear can provide.
60
00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:02,700
Cheerio!
61
00:02:03,900 --> 00:02:04,900
Fine.
62
00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:07,500
I don't need friends.
I got you guys.
63
00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:09,300
You guys are my friends,
64
00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:11,500
my cold refreshing friends.
65
00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:13,400
I'm talking to beer.
66
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:16,500
Ted? Trudy.
67
00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:18,900
Trudy.
68
00:02:19,100 --> 00:02:21,600
Oh, my God. I haven't
seen you since...
69
00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:26,300
I slept with you then
climbed down the fire escape.
70
00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:27,600
That was you?
71
00:02:27,700 --> 00:02:28,600
I'm kidding.
72
00:02:28,700 --> 00:02:30,700
I was super-wasted...
73
00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:32,900
That night...
These are not all for me.
74
00:02:33,900 --> 00:02:36,300
No, I was going to call you,
but I was so embarrassed.
75
00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:37,500
You were embarrassed?
76
00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:40,800
I was like, "I really like this guy,
and now I'm climbing out his window,"
77
00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:42,600
and I forgot my underwear...
78
00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:45,300
Those were yours?
God, I thought they felt kind of tight.
79
00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:47,400
I'm kidding.
I don't wear underwear.
80
00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:49,500
Ladies' underwear. Often.
81
00:02:49,500 --> 00:02:51,300
Ah! Again, I'm kidding.
82
00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:53,900
I'm so glad I ran into you.
83
00:02:53,900 --> 00:02:55,200
I know. Do you want to...?
84
00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:56,200
Trudy?!
85
00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:57,600
No way!
86
00:02:57,700 --> 00:03:00,200
Oh, my God!
Rachel, how are you?
87
00:03:02,100 --> 00:03:04,100
- Ted, this is Rachel.
- Hi!
88
00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:07,800
- Kappa Epsilon Gamma! Whoo!
- Kappa Epsilon Gamma! Whoo!
89
00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:10,000
Wait, let me guess.
You guys met in prison.
90
00:03:11,100 --> 00:03:13,900
No! We were sorority sisters.
91
00:03:14,500 --> 00:03:16,900
And best friends forever
all sophomore year.
92
00:03:16,900 --> 00:03:18,700
When we weren't
at each other's throats.
93
00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:21,900
We could be so competitive.
Uh, but that's all behind us now.
94
00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:26,600
Hey, mista! Hey, mista!
Stay away from my sista! Whoo!
95
00:03:27,900 --> 00:03:29,300
We have so much
catching up to do.
96
00:03:29,300 --> 00:03:30,700
Okay. Are you going to
Stacey's wedding?
97
00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:32,500
Oh, it's off. Apparently,
he's into dudes.
98
00:03:32,500 --> 00:03:34,600
Nah! Again?!
That's like her third one.
99
00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:35,400
I know!
100
00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:38,500
Well, beers,
what do you want to do?
101
00:03:38,500 --> 00:03:41,800
We could stay here... or I know
this other place called "My Belly."
102
00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:43,900
So, Trudy and I got a table.
103
00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:46,900
Oh, that's cool. I was going to get out
of here anyway. I'm really tired.
104
00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:48,500
I want you to stay.
105
00:03:48,500 --> 00:03:51,600
Tired of people who fold early,
'cause I am wide awake!
106
00:03:54,700 --> 00:03:56,800
Okay, guys... be cool.
107
00:03:57,400 --> 00:03:59,900
Sync by vNaru
108
00:04:12,500 --> 00:04:13,900
- A-kaza-oui!
- Aah!
109
00:04:13,900 --> 00:04:15,500
You've been vanquished, old bean.
110
00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:17,500
That's 'cause you distracted me.
111
00:04:17,500 --> 00:04:20,200
You've been hanging crumpet
ever since the third set.
112
00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:25,000
Ah... Stinson.
113
00:04:25,100 --> 00:04:27,100
I've got a situation.
114
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:30,200
Trudy is here... you know,
from the pineapple incident?
115
00:04:30,300 --> 00:04:32,000
Oh, you mean the girl
that chalked your pool cue
116
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,200
and then snuck down
the fire escape? Respect.
117
00:04:34,700 --> 00:04:37,200
So, we're hitting it off
and then her friend shows up
118
00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:38,800
and they're kind of competitive.
119
00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:40,400
I think the new girl's
kind of into me.
120
00:04:40,500 --> 00:04:42,800
So you now have two on the line?
121
00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:45,600
- And I don't know which one to go for.
- Go for the new girl!
122
00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:47,800
Given the choice, always party
with Dr. Strangelove.
123
00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:49,400
New girl? What new girl?
124
00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:52,600
Two girls are allegedly vying
for Ted's affections, and I think...
125
00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:55,000
Oh, you don't know what you're
talking about. Give it to me.
126
00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:56,400
- Are they friends?
- Uh, yeah.
127
00:04:56,500 --> 00:04:58,600
Uh, no... I-I don't know.
They're old sorority sisters.
128
00:04:58,700 --> 00:04:59,600
Are they Betas?
129
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:01,700
Because they're all sluts,
and you can tell them right now
130
00:05:01,700 --> 00:05:03,700
I didn't want to be
in their sorority anyway.
131
00:05:04,300 --> 00:05:06,100
They're Kappas, and...
132
00:05:06,100 --> 00:05:07,500
I think I can score with
one of them.
133
00:05:07,500 --> 00:05:10,200
I don't know which one, and
if I chose wrong, I lose them both.
134
00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:13,400
Okay, well, don't worry. I'll-I'll
come down and help you figure it out.
135
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:15,900
I thought we were in
for the evening?
136
00:05:15,900 --> 00:05:18,400
That's what I thought about your
bangers and mash down there,
137
00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:20,300
but I guess we're both wrong, guv'na.
138
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:24,800
- Hey.
- Oh, Ted. Okay...
139
00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:26,300
- Settle an argument.
- Mm-hmm.
140
00:05:26,300 --> 00:05:28,600
Is it stealing if you go out
with someone's boyfriend
141
00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:30,400
after they've broken up?
142
00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:33,300
- Well, that's very complicated...
- See?! He agrees with me.
143
00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:35,100
You're such a little man-thief.
144
00:05:35,100 --> 00:05:36,700
You're the man-thief, man-thief.
145
00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:38,700
Oh, somebody should lock
you girls up.
146
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:42,500
You're so funny.
147
00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:44,700
I think Ted is funny.
148
00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:45,700
Really?
149
00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:48,700
I think Ted is hilarious.
150
00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:51,900
I am never not wearing
a suit again.
151
00:05:52,500 --> 00:05:54,800
- Hello?
- It's me. I'm at the bar. Don't look.
152
00:05:54,900 --> 00:05:58,200
- Just call me "Mom."
- Uh, hey, mom. How's dad's...
153
00:05:58,400 --> 00:05:59,200
Colon?
154
00:05:59,300 --> 00:06:01,900
What? What's the matter with you?
155
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:05,000
Anyway, both of these girls
are into you; take your pick.
156
00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:07,000
- They are? Are you sure?
- Yes, of course.
157
00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:09,500
They're playing with their hair
and touching your arm.
158
00:06:09,500 --> 00:06:10,900
Classic green light.
159
00:06:11,300 --> 00:06:12,300
Are you positive?
160
00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:15,100
That is so fascinating.
161
00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:16,700
So what happened?
162
00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:18,800
Well, after 18 hours of surgery,
I closed,
163
00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:21,700
and, thankfully, both girls just
celebrated their second birthday.
164
00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:25,000
Wow. Gosh, separating
conjoined twins,
165
00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:27,700
that must be
the most amazing feeling.
166
00:06:27,900 --> 00:06:29,800
True, but now the parents
don't know what to do
167
00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:32,100
with their huge supply
of four-legged overalls.
168
00:06:33,500 --> 00:06:36,600
That is so funny.
You're so funny.
169
00:06:37,700 --> 00:06:40,000
Positive.
They both want you bad.
170
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:42,600
It's a clearance sale
and you're the boots, baby.
171
00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:47,200
- Oh, it's Robin. Good luck.
- Bye, mom.
172
00:06:48,100 --> 00:06:49,200
That's my mom.
173
00:06:49,500 --> 00:06:51,500
- Hello?
- Bring me a razor.
174
00:06:51,500 --> 00:06:54,800
What about the no-shave rule?
What happened to your convictions?
175
00:06:55,300 --> 00:06:57,900
They've been surgically removed
by Dr. Awesome.
176
00:06:58,100 --> 00:06:59,400
No, I'm not doing it.
177
00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:00,900
The whole point
to not shaving was to...
178
00:07:00,900 --> 00:07:01,700
Lily, please!
179
00:07:01,700 --> 00:07:05,100
He's really cute, and I really like him,
and he's got a British accent.
180
00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:06,300
I'm on my way.
181
00:07:07,300 --> 00:07:09,700
So this college boyfriend,
who, who won him?
182
00:07:09,700 --> 00:07:11,600
Neither of us. He left.
183
00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:13,900
Junior year abroad.
184
00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:16,200
It's really too bad, 'cause...
185
00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:19,800
there was that...
one thing we wanted to do.
186
00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:22,300
We were going to do...
187
00:07:22,700 --> 00:07:24,100
- but we never did.
- Why?
188
00:07:24,500 --> 00:07:26,600
Wait, what were you guys going
to do but never did?
189
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:28,000
No, it's too embarrassing.
190
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:29,200
- You tell him.
- No, you tell him.
191
00:07:29,300 --> 00:07:31,400
- No, I don't care if you don't care.
- Well, I don't care. I just...
192
00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:33,500
Nobody cares! Just say it.
193
00:07:34,700 --> 00:07:36,500
Why don't we tell him together.
194
00:07:36,500 --> 00:07:39,800
Okay. On three.
195
00:07:40,300 --> 00:07:41,300
One...
196
00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:43,700
Well, he's right: It's a dead heat.
197
00:07:43,900 --> 00:07:45,000
two...
198
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:48,100
Neither one is giving ground. I could not
tell who was the third wheel.
199
00:07:49,100 --> 00:07:49,800
...three.
200
00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:51,400
It's a tricycle.
201
00:07:51,700 --> 00:07:54,500
- No way, no way, no way!
- What's happening?
202
00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:57,700
- It's a tricycle.
- No way, no way, no way.
203
00:07:58,100 --> 00:07:59,500
It's a tricycle.
204
00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:02,400
Well, I'll just say it right now.
All sorority girls are sluts.
205
00:08:03,100 --> 00:08:04,700
Put him on speaker.
206
00:08:04,700 --> 00:08:08,400
So what you're saying to us right now
is that you have a shot at the belt?
207
00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:09,800
Wait-wait-wait. What belt?
208
00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:12,000
Well, Barney and I have
this running joke that the first guy
209
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:14,700
to actually pull this off
would "win" the championship belt.
210
00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:17,300
Oh, so it's a metaphorical belt, right?
211
00:08:17,759 --> 00:08:19,459
Behold...
212
00:08:20,659 --> 00:08:23,859
- You actually bought a belt.
- That's right. It's resplendent.
213
00:08:25,159 --> 00:08:27,859
Come on, it was just a thing we said.
We were kidding around.
214
00:08:27,859 --> 00:08:28,859
I never kid.
215
00:08:28,859 --> 00:08:30,359
Remember you said if I ever
slept with that girl
216
00:08:30,359 --> 00:08:32,259
from Days of Our Lives,
I'd be the king?
217
00:08:32,259 --> 00:08:33,159
Well...
218
00:08:37,304 --> 00:08:40,204
Why wasn't I told about the belt?
I could go for the belt.
219
00:08:43,267 --> 00:08:47,267
If Lily would've died before me,
then I could ride the tricycle.
220
00:08:47,367 --> 00:08:50,267
If I died, I would just come back
and haunt your penis.
221
00:08:50,367 --> 00:08:52,567
Guys, come on! Help me out.
What do I do?
222
00:08:52,567 --> 00:08:55,367
All right, Ted, if you're going
to go for the belt,
223
00:08:55,367 --> 00:08:57,467
then the bylaws require me
to ask the following questions:
224
00:08:57,467 --> 00:09:00,162
One: Is the aggregate age
of all participants under 83?
225
00:09:00,758 --> 00:09:01,458
Yes.
226
00:09:01,558 --> 00:09:05,058
Two: Is the aggregate weight
of all participants under 400 pounds?
227
00:09:05,458 --> 00:09:06,358
Yes.
228
00:09:06,458 --> 00:09:07,958
Theodore Mosby...
229
00:09:08,658 --> 00:09:11,658
- are you paying these women?
- What? No.
230
00:09:11,858 --> 00:09:12,958
Ted...
231
00:09:13,458 --> 00:09:14,658
No. Look, I got to go.
232
00:09:14,758 --> 00:09:17,258
They're going to think I inherited
my dad's imaginary bathroom issues.
233
00:09:20,258 --> 00:09:21,658
Oh, are you guys leaving?
234
00:09:21,658 --> 00:09:22,558
Well,
235
00:09:22,658 --> 00:09:24,958
it is getting pretty late.
236
00:09:24,958 --> 00:09:26,858
Right. Well, well, it's been...
237
00:09:26,858 --> 00:09:29,958
Maybe we could all go listen to that
Wilco CD you talked about before.
238
00:09:31,558 --> 00:09:32,358
Great!
239
00:09:32,658 --> 00:09:35,758
I have it right upstairs. It's in my
apartment upstairs. Let's go upstairs.
240
00:09:35,758 --> 00:09:37,658
I'm sorry. Where was your
apartment again?
241
00:09:37,958 --> 00:09:40,558
Ha, that's funny. I love that.
242
00:09:40,558 --> 00:09:43,058
You should tell more jokes
in my apartment upstairs.
243
00:09:47,158 --> 00:09:50,058
Scenario #12:
We're in a horrific car crash.
244
00:09:50,158 --> 00:09:52,258
You die. I'm left paralyzed.
245
00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:54,858
Two sexy nurses,
with a six-pack of wine coolers,
246
00:09:54,858 --> 00:09:56,258
sneak into my room
late at night.
247
00:09:56,358 --> 00:09:58,558
I try to blink at them
in Morse code.
248
00:09:58,758 --> 00:10:00,358
"Please, don't.
249
00:10:00,858 --> 00:10:02,158
I love my dead wife."
250
00:10:02,558 --> 00:10:04,458
But they're medical professionals,
and I got to think,
251
00:10:04,458 --> 00:10:06,058
somehow, they're saving my life.
252
00:10:07,158 --> 00:10:11,058
Fine. Sleep with your nurses.
tonight you ride the unicycle.
253
00:10:11,558 --> 00:10:13,058
I already did this morning.
254
00:10:16,158 --> 00:10:17,158
- Hello.
- Lily,
255
00:10:17,258 --> 00:10:19,758
I have pounded three
cappuccinos waiting for you.
256
00:10:19,858 --> 00:10:23,758
Pretty soon, I won't have to shave,
the hair is going to vibrate off my legs.
257
00:10:23,758 --> 00:10:25,258
I'm sorry, I can't leave now.
258
00:10:25,358 --> 00:10:28,858
Lily, he can't see my legs like this.
I look like a Turkish lesbian.
259
00:10:30,958 --> 00:10:34,358
There's, um, a pharmacy across the street.
Would 20 bucks buy me a razor?
260
00:10:34,458 --> 00:10:35,958
No, but 50 will.
261
00:10:38,258 --> 00:10:40,158
Hold on. Ted's texting me.
262
00:10:41,058 --> 00:10:43,358
"We're combing up-sars."
263
00:10:43,758 --> 00:10:46,058
"Combing up-sars."
What does that mean?
264
00:10:46,158 --> 00:10:47,758
It means they're coming upstairs.
265
00:10:52,758 --> 00:10:54,158
My pants, where's my pants?
266
00:10:54,158 --> 00:10:55,158
Where's my pants?
267
00:10:56,258 --> 00:10:57,058
Got 'em.
268
00:10:59,258 --> 00:11:01,458
Ooh! Nice place.
269
00:11:02,558 --> 00:11:04,558
- Hey, are these your roommates?
- Yes.
270
00:11:04,658 --> 00:11:06,958
Uh, yes,
but they are not here.
271
00:11:07,058 --> 00:11:08,758
They are somewhere else.
272
00:11:08,758 --> 00:11:10,458
We have total privacy because
273
00:11:10,558 --> 00:11:12,558
privacy is essential when you're
274
00:11:12,758 --> 00:11:14,058
listening to music.
275
00:11:14,658 --> 00:11:18,358
You know what else is essential when
you're listening to music?
276
00:11:18,658 --> 00:11:19,758
Music.
277
00:11:20,658 --> 00:11:22,858
That's hilarious.
You are hilarious!
278
00:11:23,258 --> 00:11:27,058
I'll go get it in my bedroom.
The CD's in my bedroom. Bedroom...
279
00:11:27,158 --> 00:11:29,658
Okay. We'll try
and stay out of trouble.
280
00:11:29,658 --> 00:11:31,858
Of course,
we can't promise anything.
281
00:11:33,658 --> 00:11:35,658
This is going to be awesome.
282
00:11:39,158 --> 00:11:40,258
No!
283
00:11:43,375 --> 00:11:45,475
What you guys doing here?
I've got... I've got... I've got...
284
00:11:45,575 --> 00:11:47,475
We know, we know, Ted, well done.
285
00:11:47,475 --> 00:11:49,675
This is very impressive. Up top.
286
00:11:49,775 --> 00:11:52,575
- Yeah, bro, up top.
- Oh, don't be gross.
287
00:11:52,575 --> 00:11:54,975
You guys need to get out of here.
Please, take the fire escape.
288
00:11:55,075 --> 00:11:56,275
No, no way.
289
00:11:56,275 --> 00:11:59,475
The other day I saw a pigeon take
a crap on it and the whole thing..
290
00:11:59,675 --> 00:12:00,375
shifted.
291
00:12:01,375 --> 00:12:02,875
Oh, you can use our bedroom.
292
00:12:02,875 --> 00:12:05,675
Okay, all I need to seal the deal
is the Wilco CD, Barney.
293
00:12:10,375 --> 00:12:11,475
What are you doing?!
294
00:12:12,275 --> 00:12:13,875
I cannot allow Ted to do this.
295
00:12:13,875 --> 00:12:14,975
Wh-what? Why?
296
00:12:14,975 --> 00:12:16,975
Because the belt is my birthright!
297
00:12:17,075 --> 00:12:20,275
You cannot claim it before I do.
That would be like Jimmy Olsen
298
00:12:20,375 --> 00:12:23,575
capturing Lex Luthor while Superman
watches impotently from the bedroom.
299
00:12:24,075 --> 00:12:27,175
But, Barney, you've done
way dirtier stuff than Ted.
300
00:12:27,375 --> 00:12:28,775
You're disgusting.
301
00:12:29,375 --> 00:12:31,475
I've never ridden the tricycle.
302
00:12:31,675 --> 00:12:34,375
I was on the verge last year.
I was so close.
303
00:12:36,875 --> 00:12:41,975
So ladies, why don't we move this party
to a more horizontal location?
304
00:12:42,775 --> 00:12:45,875
Oh, my God, my new carpet!
Oh, my God, this is a disaster.
305
00:12:45,975 --> 00:12:47,875
- You get the carpet cleaner. I'll get a towel.
- Okay.
306
00:12:47,875 --> 00:12:48,975
I'll get the video camera.
307
00:12:49,075 --> 00:12:50,875
- Get out!
- Okay then.
308
00:12:51,475 --> 00:12:54,375
So let me get this straight.
You're going to trike-block me?
309
00:12:54,475 --> 00:12:56,975
That is so petty.
It's like you're...
310
00:12:57,675 --> 00:12:59,275
- Tom Petty.
- Tom Petty.
311
00:12:59,275 --> 00:13:00,775
You're Tom Petty.
312
00:13:00,875 --> 00:13:02,175
Where's Lily?
313
00:13:05,475 --> 00:13:07,775
Still looking for that CD, so...
314
00:13:10,675 --> 00:13:12,975
- What are you doing?
- I knew it. I had a hunch
315
00:13:12,975 --> 00:13:14,875
about that girl and
I was right.
316
00:13:15,875 --> 00:13:17,375
I saw it first!
317
00:13:19,375 --> 00:13:21,275
You just made the list, bitch.
318
00:13:22,675 --> 00:13:25,275
I cannot give up my bedroom
to a boot thief.
319
00:13:25,375 --> 00:13:27,175
She should be punished,
not rewarded.
320
00:13:27,175 --> 00:13:29,875
Fine, then I'll try to work in a little
light spanking. Just do this for me!
321
00:13:29,975 --> 00:13:30,975
No, never.
322
00:13:31,075 --> 00:13:33,275
What if I reimburse you
for the boots, full retail?
323
00:13:33,375 --> 00:13:36,275
- Please enjoy our bedroom.
- Great. Just take it.
324
00:13:36,275 --> 00:13:38,575
Okay, wish me luck.
325
00:13:45,475 --> 00:13:48,175
- Oh, my God.
- You're such a girl.
326
00:13:49,675 --> 00:13:52,275
- Where's the shaving cream?
- You didn't ask me for shaving cream.
327
00:13:52,275 --> 00:13:54,875
Well, it was implied. Who buys a razor
without buying shaving cream?
328
00:13:54,875 --> 00:13:56,775
Well, who doesn't shave
their legs for a date?
329
00:13:56,775 --> 00:13:59,275
Well, who's not getting a tip
because of her attitude?
330
00:13:59,275 --> 00:14:00,575
Well, here's a little tip for you:
331
00:14:00,675 --> 00:14:03,475
shave your legs before you leave
the house, Sasquatch.
332
00:14:07,075 --> 00:14:09,775
Hey, Robin, um, the valet's
brought the car around.
333
00:14:09,775 --> 00:14:11,775
I thought we'd go to my place,
334
00:14:11,875 --> 00:14:14,075
- if you're in the mood for a nightcap.
- Absolutely.
335
00:14:14,075 --> 00:14:18,075
I just have to go to the ladies' room.
I've got TB.
336
00:14:18,375 --> 00:14:19,775
Tiny bladder.
337
00:14:20,675 --> 00:14:22,475
- I'll meet you out front.
- Yeah.
338
00:14:37,675 --> 00:14:38,875
You've got to be kidding me.
339
00:14:41,975 --> 00:14:43,775
Excuse me. Sorry.
340
00:15:02,975 --> 00:15:05,375
So, I'm having a little trouble
finding the CD.
341
00:15:06,275 --> 00:15:07,975
That's okay.
342
00:15:08,075 --> 00:15:11,375
We don't need music...
to have fun.
343
00:15:11,475 --> 00:15:12,775
Exactly.
344
00:15:13,375 --> 00:15:17,375
You do like to have fun,
don't you, Ted?
345
00:15:27,375 --> 00:15:29,875
It's getting late.
I'll get your coats.
346
00:15:33,375 --> 00:15:35,675
- "I'll get your coats"?!
- I don't know why I said that.
347
00:15:35,675 --> 00:15:37,775
Why'd I say that?
It's the opposite of what I meant.
348
00:15:37,775 --> 00:15:39,975
I wanna take clothes off them,
not put more on.
349
00:15:39,975 --> 00:15:42,775
Ted, you're ruining this
for everyone.
350
00:15:43,175 --> 00:15:44,275
Leave him alone!
351
00:15:45,375 --> 00:15:48,275
Sometimes even the greatest warriors
shoot themselves in the foot.
352
00:15:48,875 --> 00:15:50,775
What are you talking about?
353
00:15:50,875 --> 00:15:54,075
If you must know, it wasn't
a freak beverage malfunction
354
00:15:54,075 --> 00:15:56,275
that stopped me from riding
the tricycle that night.
355
00:15:56,675 --> 00:15:57,875
So, Barney,
356
00:15:58,375 --> 00:16:02,075
why don't we take this party to
a more, horizontal location?
357
00:16:14,475 --> 00:16:17,575
- Oh, no, the night's ruined!
- No, baby, it's not.
358
00:16:17,575 --> 00:16:19,975
Yes, it is! Whatever this night
was heading towards is ruined.
359
00:16:20,075 --> 00:16:21,175
Where's my coat?
360
00:16:22,975 --> 00:16:24,575
Why would you do that
to yourself?
361
00:16:24,575 --> 00:16:26,175
Because you get up
in your head, man.
362
00:16:27,175 --> 00:16:29,875
You start thinking,
"I can't do this. It's two women."
363
00:16:29,875 --> 00:16:30,875
That's two of everything,
four of some things.
364
00:16:31,075 --> 00:16:33,975
The logistics alone are enough
to cripple even a pro like me.
365
00:16:34,575 --> 00:16:38,575
See, if a complete degenerate like
Barney choked, what chance do I have?
366
00:16:39,475 --> 00:16:41,175
The best chance in the world.
367
00:16:43,275 --> 00:16:45,475
Fear took the belt from me.
368
00:16:46,075 --> 00:16:49,475
Fear rode the tricycle that night,
my friends.
369
00:16:50,275 --> 00:16:52,775
But fear will not get
a second turn.
370
00:16:53,175 --> 00:16:55,075
- It won't?
- No.
371
00:16:55,975 --> 00:16:59,275
Because I now realize
it isn't my destiny to win the belt.
372
00:16:59,675 --> 00:17:02,375
It is my destiny to help
my friend win it.
373
00:17:03,475 --> 00:17:06,575
Ted is fated to go there first.
374
00:17:07,575 --> 00:17:09,675
He is our Neil Armstrong.
375
00:17:11,175 --> 00:17:13,575
Spacesuit up, Ted,
'cause you're going to the moon.
376
00:17:13,575 --> 00:17:14,475
Step one.
377
00:17:17,950 --> 00:17:19,350
Ladies.
378
00:17:19,450 --> 00:17:23,250
I couldn't find your coats,
but I did find... tequila.
379
00:17:26,350 --> 00:17:28,250
Wait, wait, wait,
a remote control fireplace?
380
00:17:28,250 --> 00:17:29,850
We don't have a remote control fireplace.
381
00:17:29,950 --> 00:17:33,050
Right, that's my apartment.
The dressing gown's mine, too.
382
00:17:33,150 --> 00:17:35,350
Damn, this should be me.
Anyway, continuing...
383
00:17:42,050 --> 00:17:44,650
I am so exhausted.
384
00:17:44,650 --> 00:17:46,950
So exhausted.
385
00:17:48,350 --> 00:17:50,050
Wait, why would I want
to tire them out?
386
00:17:50,150 --> 00:17:54,050
That's your excuse to unleash
pretext for physical contact #1.
387
00:17:57,050 --> 00:18:01,050
You give the most amazing
foot massage.
388
00:18:01,250 --> 00:18:04,950
That's 'cause I used to practice
all the time on my grandmother.
389
00:18:05,550 --> 00:18:07,450
Why in God's name
would I say that?
390
00:18:07,450 --> 00:18:09,450
It's endearing.
You're a caregiver.
391
00:18:09,450 --> 00:18:11,550
Never take family values
out of the equation.
392
00:18:11,650 --> 00:18:12,450
Step three.
393
00:18:14,350 --> 00:18:16,450
Ted, what's wrong?
394
00:18:18,050 --> 00:18:21,050
I was just thinking about
this documentary I saw once
395
00:18:21,550 --> 00:18:24,050
about something
called a super volcano.
396
00:18:24,750 --> 00:18:26,050
Okay, what the hell?
397
00:18:26,150 --> 00:18:27,250
Wait for it.
398
00:18:27,350 --> 00:18:29,250
It can happen at any time.
399
00:18:30,150 --> 00:18:32,050
And obliterate all life on Earth,
400
00:18:32,850 --> 00:18:35,850
which is why
I live by three simple words.
401
00:18:36,650 --> 00:18:39,550
Don't postpone joy.
402
00:18:41,550 --> 00:18:42,650
Oh, my God.
403
00:18:43,450 --> 00:18:45,850
- That's so true.
- Yeah.
404
00:18:50,150 --> 00:18:52,850
The mortality angle.
That's actually pretty good.
405
00:18:55,250 --> 00:18:57,550
- I can do this.
- Yes, you can.
406
00:18:57,650 --> 00:19:00,650
I can't believe I'm going to say this,
but I'm actually moved.
407
00:19:00,750 --> 00:19:03,950
- Bring it in, guys.
- All right.
408
00:19:11,314 --> 00:19:12,814
I'll see you on the other side.
409
00:19:44,614 --> 00:19:46,814
So what happened next?
Did you do it?
410
00:19:47,514 --> 00:19:49,014
It doesn't seem right
to talk about it.
411
00:19:49,514 --> 00:19:51,914
What? No! Tell me.
412
00:19:52,832 --> 00:19:56,432
Don't tell me because you don't have to
because you didn't do it.
413
00:19:56,832 --> 00:19:57,932
You didn't do it.
414
00:19:58,032 --> 00:19:59,032
You did it.
415
00:19:59,132 --> 00:20:00,632
You did it, didn't you?
416
00:20:00,632 --> 00:20:01,532
Did you?
417
00:20:01,932 --> 00:20:03,832
You didn't do it.
Yes, you did.
418
00:20:03,932 --> 00:20:06,932
You did. No, you didn't.
Tell me!
419
00:20:07,732 --> 00:20:10,432
Some stories you tell,
some stories you don't.
420
00:20:11,532 --> 00:20:13,432
That's because you didn't do it.
421
00:20:13,432 --> 00:20:14,832
He didn't do it.
422
00:20:15,132 --> 00:20:18,432
You did it. You did it.
You did it. Tell me, did you?
423
00:20:18,632 --> 00:20:21,732
Ted, belt. Did you?
Did you or didn't you?
424
00:20:21,732 --> 00:20:22,532
Did?
425
00:20:22,632 --> 00:20:25,932
Tell me, please. For the love...
Do you know if he did or didn't?
426
00:20:27,132 --> 00:20:30,432
Oh, hey, um, would you go
in there and see if my date's okay?
427
00:20:30,732 --> 00:20:33,032
- No problem.
- Thank you.
428
00:20:39,932 --> 00:20:44,432
No, nobody's in there,
but the window's actually open.
429
00:20:44,732 --> 00:20:46,532
I guess I shouldn't be
so surprised.
430
00:20:46,532 --> 00:20:48,532
I mean, she was acting weird
all night, right?
431
00:20:48,632 --> 00:20:51,232
Yeah, you know...
432
00:20:51,932 --> 00:20:53,832
why don't I buy you a drink?
433
00:20:54,532 --> 00:20:55,432
Okay.
434
00:20:55,932 --> 00:20:58,232
Did I overhear
that you're a surgeon?
435
00:20:58,432 --> 00:21:01,932
- Guilty as charged.
- Oh, you're so funny.
436
00:21:03,932 --> 00:21:06,632
I'm here! I'm fine!
437
00:21:06,732 --> 00:21:08,432
My head is bleeding.
438
00:21:08,632 --> 00:21:09,932
Going down again.