1 00:00:00,650 --> 00:00:04,555 Kids I know you think you have ever heard of a story 2 00:00:05,050 --> 00:00:08,300 but there is some stories you tell and some stories you don't 3 00:00:08,940 --> 00:00:11,400 Oh, my God!... 4 00:00:11,900 --> 00:00:13,205 - Oh, my God... - Use your words, Ted. 5 00:00:14,520 --> 00:00:17,340 - Okay. Barney, I'm about to go for the belt. - The belt? 6 00:00:17,342 --> 00:00:20,560 - The belt. - But that's impossible 7 00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:25,500 Yes! 8 00:00:25,605 --> 00:00:28,795 - Advantage-- Ericksen. - Don't get cocky. 9 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:31,290 - Wimbledon lasts a fortnight. - "Fortnight. " 10 00:00:31,650 --> 00:00:32,939 - British words are so cool. 11 00:00:32,940 --> 00:00:35,425 - Plus, did you know lawyers there get to wear wigs? 12 00:00:36,530 --> 00:00:38,235 All right. We're ready. Let's hit it. 13 00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:39,400 We can't go. Tournament. 14 00:00:39,404 --> 00:00:41,150 What? We agreed. I suited up... 15 00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:42,420 You take too long to get ready 16 00:00:42,750 --> 00:00:43,634 What are you talking about? 17 00:00:43,635 --> 00:00:45,500 I got the low maintenance, just-rolled-out-of-bed look. 18 00:00:45,535 --> 00:00:47,537 Yeah, which takes an hour and a half 19 00:00:47,538 --> 00:00:49,985 of waxing, tugging and teasing to achieve. 20 00:00:50,060 --> 00:00:51,140 And then he starts on his hair. 21 00:00:51,500 --> 00:00:52,490 Ace! 22 00:00:54,340 --> 00:00:55,640 - Look, are we going or not? - Just go without us. 23 00:00:55,707 --> 00:00:56,380 We'll be there in five minutes. 24 00:00:56,573 --> 00:00:57,707 Really? 25 00:00:57,772 --> 00:00:59,206 - Yes! Yes! - All right, 26 00:00:59,273 --> 00:01:00,315 I'm going down to the bar. 27 00:01:00,316 --> 00:01:01,415 I'm ordering three beers. I'll see you guys in 28 00:01:01,416 --> 00:01:03,282 five minutes. Three beers, 29 00:01:03,283 --> 00:01:04,982 five minutes. 30 00:01:06,649 --> 00:01:08,215 Thanks for lending me these boots. 31 00:01:08,282 --> 00:01:09,295 Where'd you get them from? 32 00:01:09,716 --> 00:01:12,016 This store in the Village had one of those crazy sales. 33 00:01:12,083 --> 00:01:14,020 It was a footwear feeding frenzy. 34 00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:18,230 I saw it first! 35 00:01:19,700 --> 00:01:21,750 You just made the list, bitch! 36 00:01:21,900 --> 00:01:22,855 So many questions. 37 00:01:23,100 --> 00:01:24,510 Firstly, what do you think would happen 38 00:01:24,515 --> 00:01:26,665 if a guy walked into that store wearing a suit of boots? 39 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:30,040 You look fantastic in them, Robin. 40 00:01:30,333 --> 00:01:32,630 But don't you think they're a little high for that dress? 41 00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:33,874 Well, that's the point: it's to hide that fact 44 00:01:37,274 --> 00:01:38,374 for the first three dates. 45 00:01:38,441 --> 00:01:39,740 It's all about self-control. 46 00:01:39,807 --> 00:01:41,990 If I don't shave, I must behave. 47 00:01:42,374 --> 00:01:44,041 FYI: It doesn't matter, baby. 48 00:01:44,108 --> 00:01:45,508 Guys just want to get on the green. 49 00:01:45,575 --> 00:01:47,040 They don't mind going through the rough. 50 00:01:47,740 --> 00:01:48,780 Shh-clackey! 51 00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:51,500 Stinson. 52 00:01:51,750 --> 00:01:52,970 All right, the beers are here. 53 00:01:53,416 --> 00:01:54,245 Yeah, we're not going to make it. 54 00:01:54,550 --> 00:01:56,216 Oh, come on! We agreed... 55 00:01:56,800 --> 00:01:57,935 Did Marshall take his pants off? 56 00:01:58,140 --> 00:01:59,039 Yeah, pants are off. 57 00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:03,260 I need the freedom and mobility that only underwear can provide. 58 00:02:03,700 --> 00:02:04,300 Cheerio! 59 00:02:05,580 --> 00:02:06,405 Fine. 60 00:02:06,750 --> 00:02:08,020 I don't need friends. 61 00:02:08,030 --> 00:02:09,200 I got you guys. 62 00:02:09,205 --> 00:02:11,160 You guys are my friends, 63 00:02:11,165 --> 00:02:13,080 my cold refreshing friends. 64 00:02:13,985 --> 00:02:15,015 I'm talking to beer. 65 00:02:15,500 --> 00:02:18,125 Ted? Trudy. 66 00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:20,625 Trudy. 67 00:02:20,750 --> 00:02:23,290 Oh, my God. I haven't seen you since... 68 00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:28,095 I slept with you and then climbed down the fire escape. 69 00:02:28,267 --> 00:02:29,555 That was you? 70 00:02:29,933 --> 00:02:32,440 I'm kidding. I was super-wasted. 71 00:02:33,150 --> 00:02:34,550 These are not all for me. 72 00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:38,555 No, I was going to call you, but I was so embarrassed. 73 00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:39,780 You were embarrassed? 74 00:02:39,785 --> 00:02:41,052 I was like, "I really like this guy, 75 00:02:41,118 --> 00:02:42,418 "and now I'm climbing out his window, 76 00:02:42,950 --> 00:02:44,555 and I forgot my underwear... " 77 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:45,800 Those were yours? 78 00:02:45,805 --> 00:02:47,505 God, I thought they felt kind of tight. 79 00:02:47,940 --> 00:02:49,175 I'm kidding. I don't wear underwear. 80 00:02:49,700 --> 00:02:50,620 Ladies' underwear. 81 00:02:50,750 --> 00:02:51,900 Often. 82 00:02:51,905 --> 00:02:53,330 Ah! Again, I'm kidding. 83 00:02:54,450 --> 00:02:56,150 I'm so glad I ran into you. 84 00:02:56,300 --> 00:02:58,260 I know. Do you want to...? Trudy?! 85 00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:00,100 No way! 86 00:03:00,105 --> 00:03:01,338 Oh, my God! Rachel, how are you? 87 00:03:04,338 --> 00:03:05,700 Ted, this is Rachel. 88 00:03:05,705 --> 00:03:07,149 Hi! 89 00:03:07,150 --> 00:03:09,225 Kappa Epsilon Gamma! Kappa Epsilon Gamma! 90 00:03:09,230 --> 00:03:10,125 Whoo! Whoo! 91 00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:12,045 Wait, let me guess. You guys met in prison. 92 00:03:13,500 --> 00:03:16,735 No! We were sorority sisters. 93 00:03:16,740 --> 00:03:18,973 And best friends forever all sophomore year. 94 00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:20,739 When we weren't at each other's throats. 95 00:03:20,740 --> 00:03:22,174 We could be so competitive. 96 00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:24,115 Uh, but that's all behind us now. 97 00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:26,180 Hey, mista! Hey, mista! 98 00:03:26,500 --> 00:03:28,100 Stay away from my sista! Stay away from my sista! 99 00:03:28,105 --> 00:03:29,400 Whoo! Whoo! 100 00:03:29,980 --> 00:03:31,550 We have so much catching up to do. 101 00:03:31,555 --> 00:03:32,922 Okay. Are you going to Stacey's wedding? 102 00:03:32,925 --> 00:03:34,591 Oh, it's off. Apparently, he's into dudes. 103 00:03:34,658 --> 00:03:36,725 Nah! Again?! That's like her third one. 104 00:03:36,791 --> 00:03:37,750 I know! 105 00:03:38,905 --> 00:03:40,385 Well, beers, what do you want to do? 106 00:03:40,438 --> 00:03:41,700 We could stay here... 107 00:03:41,705 --> 00:03:43,945 or I know this other place called "My Belly. " 108 00:03:43,950 --> 00:03:46,090 So, Trudy and I got a table. 109 00:03:46,317 --> 00:03:47,783 Oh, that's cool. I was going to get out of here anyway. 110 00:03:47,850 --> 00:03:48,760 I'm really tired. 111 00:03:49,100 --> 00:03:50,705 I want you to stay. 112 00:03:50,900 --> 00:03:53,575 Tired of people who fold early, 'cause I am wide awake! 113 00:03:56,850 --> 00:03:59,175 Okay, guys... be cool. 114 00:04:14,300 --> 00:04:15,800 Aah! 115 00:04:15,805 --> 00:04:17,071 You've been vanquished, old bean. 116 00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:19,000 That's 'cause you distracted me. 117 00:04:19,005 --> 00:04:21,785 You've been hanging crumpet ever since the third set. 118 00:04:25,005 --> 00:04:26,538 Ah... Stinson. 119 00:04:26,539 --> 00:04:28,470 I've got a situation. 120 00:04:28,573 --> 00:04:31,625 Trudy is here-- you know, from the pineapple incident? 121 00:04:31,706 --> 00:04:33,572 Oh, you mean the girl that chalked your pool cue 122 00:04:33,573 --> 00:04:35,010 and then snuck down the fire escape? 123 00:04:35,015 --> 00:04:36,270 Respect. 124 00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:37,840 So, we're hitting it off and then her friend shows up 125 00:04:37,841 --> 00:04:40,350 and they're kind of competitive. 126 00:04:40,355 --> 00:04:41,835 HJI think the new girl's kind of into me. 127 00:04:42,100 --> 00:04:44,765 So you now have two on the line? 128 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:46,155 And I don't know which one to go for. 129 00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:47,450 Go for the new girl! 130 00:04:47,455 --> 00:04:49,470 Given the choice, always party with Dr. Strangelove. 131 00:04:49,754 --> 00:04:50,740 New girl? What new girl? 132 00:04:51,255 --> 00:04:52,740 Two girls are allegedly vying 133 00:04:52,745 --> 00:04:54,325 for Ted's affections, and I think... 134 00:04:54,330 --> 00:04:55,785 Oh, you don't know what you're talking about. 135 00:04:55,790 --> 00:04:56,700 Give it to me. 136 00:04:56,705 --> 00:04:57,785 Are they friends? 137 00:04:57,790 --> 00:04:59,066 Yeah. Uh, no-- I-I don't know. 138 00:04:59,067 --> 00:05:00,300 They're old sorority sisters. 139 00:05:00,305 --> 00:05:01,300 Are they Betas? 140 00:05:01,305 --> 00:05:03,239 Because they're all sluts, and you can tell them right now 141 00:05:03,305 --> 00:05:05,365 I didn't want to be in their sorority anyway. 142 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:07,665 They're Kappas, and... 143 00:05:07,950 --> 00:05:09,155 I think I can score with one of them. 144 00:05:09,300 --> 00:05:10,200 I don't know which one, 145 00:05:10,205 --> 00:05:11,765 and if I chose wrong, I lose them both. 146 00:05:11,839 --> 00:05:12,950 Okay, well, don't worry. 147 00:05:12,955 --> 00:05:14,755 I'll-I'll come down and help you figure it out. 148 00:05:16,100 --> 00:05:17,625 I thought we were in for the evening? 149 00:05:17,730 --> 00:05:20,067 That's what I thought about your bangers and mash down there, 150 00:05:20,096 --> 00:05:21,850 but I guess we're both wrong, guv'na. 151 00:05:24,529 --> 00:05:25,885 Hey. Oh, Ted. Okay... 152 00:05:26,500 --> 00:05:27,900 Settle an argument. Mm-hmm. 153 00:05:27,905 --> 00:05:30,070 Is it stealing if you go out with someone's boyfriend 154 00:05:30,071 --> 00:05:31,485 after they've broken up? 155 00:05:32,340 --> 00:05:33,450 Well, that's very complicated... 156 00:05:33,455 --> 00:05:35,040 See?! He agrees with me. 157 00:05:35,045 --> 00:05:36,770 You're such a little man-thief. 158 00:05:36,940 --> 00:05:38,580 You're the man-thief, man-thief. 159 00:05:38,585 --> 00:05:40,605 Oh, somebody should lock loyou girls up. 160 00:05:42,740 --> 00:05:44,080 You're so funny. 161 00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:46,380 I think Ted is funny. 162 00:05:46,500 --> 00:05:50,900 Really? I think Ted is hilarious. 163 00:05:51,220 --> 00:05:53,370 I am never not wearing a suit again. 164 00:05:53,852 --> 00:05:54,625 Hello? 165 00:05:54,630 --> 00:05:55,800 It's me. I'm at the bar. 166 00:05:55,805 --> 00:05:57,170 Don't look. Just call me "Mom. " 167 00:05:57,171 --> 00:06:00,604 Uh, hey, Mom. How's Dad's... colon? 168 00:06:00,605 --> 00:06:02,740 What? What's the matter with you? 169 00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:06,505 Anyway, both of these girls are into you; take your pick. 170 00:06:06,510 --> 00:06:08,810 They are? Are you sure? Yes, of course. 171 00:06:08,820 --> 00:06:10,886 They're playing with their hair and touching your arm. 172 00:06:10,887 --> 00:06:12,185 Classic green light. 173 00:06:13,050 --> 00:06:13,875 Are you positive? 174 00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:16,455 Oh, that is so fascinating. 175 00:06:17,150 --> 00:06:18,455 So what happened? 176 00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:19,980 Well, after 18 hours of surgery, 177 00:06:19,985 --> 00:06:21,000 I closed, and, thankfully, 178 00:06:21,005 --> 00:06:23,071 both girls just celebrated their second birthday. 179 00:06:23,072 --> 00:06:26,572 Wow. Gosh, separating conjoined twins, 180 00:06:26,575 --> 00:06:29,355 that must be the most amazing feeling. 181 00:06:29,700 --> 00:06:31,232 True, but now the parents don't know what to do 182 00:06:31,233 --> 00:06:33,530 with their huge supply of four-legged overalls. 183 00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:36,699 That is so funny. 184 00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:38,250 You're so funny. 185 00:06:39,420 --> 00:06:41,670 Positive. They both want you bad. 186 00:06:41,820 --> 00:06:44,190 It's a clearance sale and you're the boots, baby. 187 00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:47,900 Oh, it's Robin. Good luck. 188 00:06:47,905 --> 00:06:48,500 Bye, Mom. 189 00:06:49,741 --> 00:06:50,635 That's my mom. 190 00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:52,050 Hello? 191 00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:52,925 Bring me a razor. 192 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:54,732 What about the no-shave rule? 193 00:06:54,739 --> 00:06:56,275 What happened to your convictions? 194 00:06:56,800 --> 00:06:59,430 They've been surgically removed by Dr. Awesome. 195 00:06:59,930 --> 00:07:01,080 No, I'm not doing it. 196 00:07:01,085 --> 00:07:02,764 The whole point to not shaving was to... 197 00:07:02,765 --> 00:07:04,364 Lily, please! He's really cute, 198 00:07:04,365 --> 00:07:06,800 and I really like him, and he's got a British accent. 199 00:07:06,900 --> 00:07:07,765 I'm on my way. 200 00:07:09,100 --> 00:07:11,100 So this college boyfriend, who won him? 201 00:07:11,500 --> 00:07:12,400 Neither of us. 202 00:07:12,740 --> 00:07:15,425 He left. Junior year abroad. 203 00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:17,485 It's really too bad, 'cause... 204 00:07:17,900 --> 00:07:21,660 there was that one thing we wanted to do. 205 00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:23,232 We were going to do... 206 00:07:23,233 --> 00:07:25,000 but we never did. 207 00:07:25,010 --> 00:07:28,143 Why? Wait, what were you guys going to do but never did? 208 00:07:28,209 --> 00:07:29,410 No, it's too embarrassing. 209 00:07:29,476 --> 00:07:30,799 You tell him. No, you tell him. 210 00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:31,932 No, I don't care if you don't care. 211 00:07:31,999 --> 00:07:32,866 Well, I don't care. I just... 212 00:07:32,932 --> 00:07:34,985 Nobody cares! Just say it. 213 00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:38,030 Why don't we tell him together. 214 00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:38,970 Okay. 215 00:07:39,666 --> 00:07:41,075 On three. 216 00:07:41,980 --> 00:07:42,880 One... 217 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,790 Well, he's right: it's a dead heat. 218 00:07:44,833 --> 00:07:46,680 ... two... 219 00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:47,899 Neither one is giving ground. 220 00:07:47,900 --> 00:07:49,620 I could not tell who was the third wheel. 221 00:07:49,867 --> 00:07:51,233 ... three. 222 00:07:51,300 --> 00:07:52,965 It's a tricycle. 223 00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:55,033 No way, no way, no way! 224 00:07:55,035 --> 00:07:55,660 What's happening? 225 00:07:56,900 --> 00:07:57,950 It's a tricycle. 226 00:07:57,954 --> 00:07:59,530 No way, no way, no way. 227 00:07:59,854 --> 00:08:00,855 It's a tricycle. 228 00:08:01,087 --> 00:08:02,299 Well, I'll just say it right now. 229 00:08:02,300 --> 00:08:04,190 All sorority girls are sluts. 230 00:08:04,367 --> 00:08:05,590 Put him on speaker. 231 00:08:06,135 --> 00:08:07,850 So what you're saying to us right now 232 00:08:07,851 --> 00:08:09,685 is that you have a shot at the belt? 233 00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:11,198 Wait-wait-wait. What belt? 234 00:08:11,199 --> 00:08:12,766 Ho Well, Barney and I have 235 00:08:12,767 --> 00:08:14,366 this running joke that the first guy to actually pull this off 236 00:08:14,367 --> 00:08:16,199 would "win" the championship belt. 237 00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:19,200 Oh, so it's a metaphorical belt, right? 238 00:08:19,850 --> 00:08:20,995 Behold... 239 00:08:22,750 --> 00:08:24,190 You actually bought a belt. 240 00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:25,845 That's right. It's resplendent. 241 00:08:27,050 --> 00:08:28,680 Come on, it was just a thing we said. 242 00:08:28,780 --> 00:08:29,750 We were kidding around. 243 00:08:29,755 --> 00:08:30,715 I never kid. 244 00:08:30,940 --> 00:08:32,300 Remember you said if I ever slept with that girl 245 00:08:32,304 --> 00:08:33,765 from Days of Our Lives, I'd be the king? 246 00:08:33,938 --> 00:08:34,950 Well... 247 00:08:39,437 --> 00:08:41,105 Why wasn't I told about the belt? 248 00:08:41,171 --> 00:08:42,270 I could go for the belt. 249 00:08:45,770 --> 00:08:49,285 If Lily would've died before me, then I could ride the tricycle. 250 00:08:49,369 --> 00:08:52,535 If I died, I would just come back and haunt your penis. 251 00:08:52,536 --> 00:08:54,535 Guys, come on! Help me out. What do I do? 252 00:08:54,536 --> 00:08:57,368 All right, Ted, if you're going to go for the belt, 253 00:08:57,369 --> 00:08:59,850 then the bylaws require me to ask the following questions: 254 00:08:59,855 --> 00:09:03,260 One: Is the aggregate age of all participants under 83? 255 00:09:03,500 --> 00:09:04,270 Yes. 256 00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:06,365 Two: Is the aggregate weight of all participants 257 00:09:06,366 --> 00:09:08,032 under 400 pounds? 258 00:09:08,033 --> 00:09:08,970 Yes. 259 00:09:09,100 --> 00:09:10,740 Theodore Mosby... 260 00:09:11,234 --> 00:09:12,766 are you paying these women? 261 00:09:12,767 --> 00:09:14,315 What? No. 262 00:09:14,950 --> 00:09:16,355 Ted... 263 00:09:16,450 --> 00:09:17,617 No. Look, I got to go. They're going to think 264 00:09:17,683 --> 00:09:20,420 I inherited my dad's imaginary bathroom issues. 265 00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:24,555 Oh, are you guys leaving? 266 00:09:24,700 --> 00:09:27,735 Well, it is getting pretty late. 267 00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:29,879 Right. Well, well, it's been... 268 00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:31,746 Maybe we could all go listen to that Wilco CD 269 00:09:31,813 --> 00:09:32,940 you talked about before. 270 00:09:34,500 --> 00:09:36,646 Great! I have it right upstairs. 271 00:09:36,650 --> 00:09:38,855 It's in my apartment upstairs. Let's go upstairs. 272 00:09:38,860 --> 00:09:40,395 I'm sorry. Where was your apartment again? 273 00:09:41,460 --> 00:09:43,400 Ha, that's funny. I love that. 274 00:09:43,526 --> 00:09:45,695 You should tell more jokes in my apartment upstairs. 275 00:09:50,027 --> 00:09:53,126 Scenario #12: We're in a horrific car crash. 276 00:09:53,193 --> 00:09:55,060 You die. I'm left paralyzed. 277 00:09:55,159 --> 00:09:57,660 Two sexy nurses, with a six-pack of wine coolers, 278 00:09:57,727 --> 00:09:58,859 sneak into my room late at night. 279 00:09:58,860 --> 00:10:01,200 I try to blink at them in Morse code. 280 00:10:01,226 --> 00:10:05,210 "Please, don't. I love my dead wife. " 281 00:10:05,226 --> 00:10:06,660 But they're medical professionals, 282 00:10:06,727 --> 00:10:09,280 and I got to think, somehow, they're saving my life. 283 00:10:10,060 --> 00:10:11,859 Fine. Sleep with your nurses. 284 00:10:11,860 --> 00:10:13,680 Tonight you ride the unicycle. 285 00:10:14,580 --> 00:10:15,620 I already did this morning. 286 00:10:19,150 --> 00:10:19,700 Hello. 287 00:10:19,705 --> 00:10:22,705 Lily, I have pounded three cappuccinos waiting for you. 288 00:10:22,771 --> 00:10:24,105 Pretty soon, I won't have to shave-- 289 00:10:24,172 --> 00:10:26,525 the hair is going to vibrate off my legs. 290 00:10:26,750 --> 00:10:28,310 I'm sorry, I can't leave now. 291 00:10:28,500 --> 00:10:29,950 Lily, he can't see my legs like this. 292 00:10:29,968 --> 00:10:31,685 I look like a Turkish lesbian. 293 00:10:33,101 --> 00:10:35,901 There's, um, a pharmacy across the street. 294 00:10:35,968 --> 00:10:37,335 Would 20 bucks buy me a razor? 295 00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:38,550 No, but 50 will. 296 00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:42,865 Hold on. Ted's texting me. 297 00:10:44,100 --> 00:10:46,350 "We're combing up-sars. " 298 00:10:46,900 --> 00:10:48,799 "Combing up-sars. " What does that mean? 299 00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:50,960 It means they're coming upstairs. 300 00:10:58,267 --> 00:10:59,501 Got 'em. 301 00:11:02,267 --> 00:11:05,080 Ooh! Nice place. 302 00:11:05,550 --> 00:11:07,067 Hey, are these your roommates? 303 00:11:07,070 --> 00:11:09,720 Yes. Uh, yes, but they are not here. 304 00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:11,310 They are somewhere else. 305 00:11:11,470 --> 00:11:12,900 We have total privacy 306 00:11:12,905 --> 00:11:16,930 because privacy is essential when you're listening to music. 307 00:11:17,845 --> 00:11:20,520 You know what else is essential when you're listening to music? 308 00:11:21,700 --> 00:11:23,015 Music. 309 00:11:23,266 --> 00:11:24,766 That's hilarious. 310 00:11:24,833 --> 00:11:25,965 You are hilarious! 311 00:11:26,099 --> 00:11:27,466 I'll go get it in my bedroom. 312 00:11:27,533 --> 00:11:28,685 The CD's in my bedroom. 313 00:11:28,999 --> 00:11:30,059 Bedroom... 314 00:11:30,060 --> 00:11:32,370 Okay. We'll try and stay out of trouble. 315 00:11:32,527 --> 00:11:34,015 Of course, we can't promise anything. 316 00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:38,750 This is going to be awesome. 317 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:43,410 No! 318 00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:47,700 What are you guys doing here? 319 00:11:49,310 --> 00:11:50,842 We know, Ted, well done. 320 00:11:50,909 --> 00:11:52,243 This is very impressive. 321 00:11:52,310 --> 00:11:54,076 Up top. Yeah, bro, up top. 322 00:11:54,143 --> 00:11:55,443 Oh, don't be gross. 323 00:11:56,100 --> 00:11:57,099 You guys need to get out of here. 324 00:11:57,100 --> 00:11:58,900 Please, take the fire escape. 325 00:11:58,966 --> 00:11:59,865 No, no way. 326 00:11:59,970 --> 00:12:01,750 The other day I saw a pigeon take a crap on it 327 00:12:01,755 --> 00:12:03,775 and the whole thing shifted. 328 00:12:04,822 --> 00:12:06,250 Oh, you can use our bedroom. 329 00:12:06,355 --> 00:12:07,855 Okay, all I need to seal the deal 330 00:12:07,922 --> 00:12:09,410 is the Wilco CD, Barney. 331 00:12:14,321 --> 00:12:15,089 What are you doing?! 332 00:12:15,154 --> 00:12:17,288 allow Ted to do this. 333 00:12:17,355 --> 00:12:18,510 Wh-what? Why? 334 00:12:18,515 --> 00:12:20,347 Because the belt is my birthright! 335 00:12:20,348 --> 00:12:21,782 You cannot claim it before I do. 336 00:12:21,849 --> 00:12:24,615 That would be like Jimmy Olsen capturing Lex Luthor 337 00:12:24,682 --> 00:12:27,115 while Superman watches impotently from the bedroom. 338 00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:30,610 But, Barney, you've done way dirtier stuff than Ted. 339 00:12:31,100 --> 00:12:32,205 You're disgusting. 340 00:12:33,033 --> 00:12:34,775 I've never ridden the tricycle. 341 00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:36,633 I was on the verge last year. 342 00:12:36,634 --> 00:12:37,967 I was so close. 343 00:12:40,300 --> 00:12:43,100 So ladies, why don't we move this party 344 00:12:43,105 --> 00:12:45,480 to a more horizontal location? 345 00:12:46,500 --> 00:12:48,205 Oh, my God, my new carpet! 346 00:12:48,210 --> 00:12:49,510 Oh, my God, this is a disaster. 347 00:12:49,515 --> 00:12:51,081 You get the carpet cleaner. I'll get a towel. 348 00:12:51,085 --> 00:12:52,452 Okay. I'll get the video camera. 349 00:12:52,517 --> 00:12:54,260 Get out! Okay then. 350 00:12:54,751 --> 00:12:55,984 So let me get this straight. 351 00:12:55,985 --> 00:12:57,583 You're going to trike-block me? 352 00:12:57,584 --> 00:13:00,280 That is so petty. It's like you're... 353 00:13:01,300 --> 00:13:02,750 Tom Petty. Tom Petty. 354 00:13:02,755 --> 00:13:03,854 You're Tom Petty. 355 00:13:03,855 --> 00:13:05,025 Where's Lily? 356 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:10,100 Still looking for that CD, 357 00:13:10,350 --> 00:13:12,332 so... 358 00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:15,484 What are you doing? 359 00:13:15,485 --> 00:13:17,353 I knew it. I had a hunch about that girl 360 00:13:17,420 --> 00:13:18,520 and I was right. 361 00:13:18,652 --> 00:13:21,170 I saw it first! 362 00:13:22,950 --> 00:13:24,775 You just made the list, bitch. 363 00:13:26,430 --> 00:13:28,865 I cannot give up my bedroom to a boot thief. 364 00:13:28,970 --> 00:13:30,896 She should be punished, not rewarded. 365 00:13:30,900 --> 00:13:33,367 Fine, then I'll try to work in a little light spanking. Just do this for me! 366 00:13:33,434 --> 00:13:34,430 No, never. 367 00:13:34,650 --> 00:13:36,382 What if I reimburse you for the boots, full retail? 368 00:13:36,383 --> 00:13:38,590 - Please enjoy our bedroom. - Great. 369 00:13:38,951 --> 00:13:39,690 Just take it. 370 00:13:39,900 --> 00:13:41,490 Okay, wish me luck. 371 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:50,233 Oh, my God. It looks fine. 372 00:13:50,234 --> 00:13:51,320 You're such a girl. 373 00:13:53,450 --> 00:13:54,433 Whe's the shaving cream? 374 00:13:54,435 --> 00:13:55,765 Well, you didn't ask me for shaving cream. 375 00:13:55,935 --> 00:13:56,950 Well, it was implied. 376 00:13:56,955 --> 00:13:58,689 Who buys a razor without buying shaving cream? 377 00:13:58,756 --> 00:14:00,435 Well, who doesn't shave their legs for a date? 378 00:14:00,522 --> 00:14:02,600 Well, who's not getting a tip because of her attitude? 379 00:14:02,605 --> 00:14:04,005 Well, here's a little tip for you: 380 00:14:04,072 --> 00:14:06,845 shave your legs before you leave the house, Sasquatch. 381 00:14:10,700 --> 00:14:13,472 Hey, Robin, um, the valet's brought the car around. 382 00:14:13,474 --> 00:14:14,790 I thought we'd go to my place, 383 00:14:15,470 --> 00:14:16,699 if you're in the mood for a nightcap. 384 00:14:16,700 --> 00:14:19,840 Absolutely. I just have to go to the ladies' room. 385 00:14:20,001 --> 00:14:20,980 I've got TB. 386 00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:23,240 Tiny bladder. 387 00:14:24,340 --> 00:14:25,350 I'll meet you out front. 388 00:14:25,540 --> 00:14:26,300 Yeah. 389 00:14:41,206 --> 00:14:42,160 You've got to be kidding me. 390 00:14:45,470 --> 00:14:46,880 Excuse me. Sorry. 391 00:15:06,850 --> 00:15:08,825 So, I'm having a little trouble finding the CD. 392 00:15:09,449 --> 00:15:11,125 That's okay. 393 00:15:11,780 --> 00:15:14,700 We don't need music to have fun. 394 00:15:14,714 --> 00:15:16,125 Exactly. 395 00:15:16,900 --> 00:15:20,200 You do like to have fun, don't you, Ted? 396 00:15:31,100 --> 00:15:32,610 It's getting late. I'll get your coats. 397 00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:38,300 "I'll get your coats"?! 398 00:15:38,305 --> 00:15:39,972 I don't know why I said that. Why'd I say that? 399 00:15:40,038 --> 00:15:41,305 It's the opposite of what I meant. 400 00:15:41,372 --> 00:15:43,235 I wanna take clothes off them, not put more on. 401 00:15:43,650 --> 00:15:46,325 Ted, you're ruining this for everyone. 402 00:15:46,700 --> 00:15:47,795 Leave him alone! 403 00:15:48,735 --> 00:15:49,750 Sometimes even 404 00:15:49,755 --> 00:15:51,900 the greatest warriors shoot themselves in the foot. 405 00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:53,885 What are you talking about? 406 00:15:54,232 --> 00:15:57,867 If you must know, it wasn't a freak beverage malfunction 407 00:15:57,870 --> 00:15:59,930 that stopped me from riding the tricycle that night. 408 00:16:00,370 --> 00:16:02,270 So, Barney, why don't we 409 00:16:02,336 --> 00:16:05,630 take this party to a more horizontal location? 410 00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:20,220 Oh, no, the night's ruined! 411 00:16:20,225 --> 00:16:21,200 No, baby, it's not. 412 00:16:21,210 --> 00:16:23,700 Yes, it! Whatever this night was heading towards is ruined. 413 00:16:23,704 --> 00:16:24,590 Where's my coat? 414 00:16:26,420 --> 00:16:28,036 Why would you do that to yourself? 415 00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:29,545 Because you get up in your head, man. 416 00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:31,474 You start thinking, 417 00:16:31,475 --> 00:16:33,475 "I can't do this. It's two women. " 418 00:16:33,541 --> 00:16:35,549 That's two of everything, four of some things. 419 00:16:35,550 --> 00:16:38,640 The logistics alone are enough to cripple even a pro like me. 420 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:41,005 See, if a complete degenerate like Barney choked, 421 00:16:41,006 --> 00:16:42,450 what chance do I have? 422 00:16:44,100 --> 00:16:45,330 The best chance in the world. 423 00:16:47,900 --> 00:16:49,635 Fear took the belt from me. 424 00:16:50,700 --> 00:16:53,985 Fear rode the tricycle that night, my friends. 425 00:16:54,860 --> 00:16:56,690 But fear will not get a second turn. 426 00:16:57,900 --> 00:16:59,135 - It won't? - No. 427 00:17:00,540 --> 00:17:03,255 Because I now realize it isn't my destiny to win the belt. 428 00:17:03,941 --> 00:17:07,074 It is my destiny to help my friend win it. 429 00:17:08,041 --> 00:17:11,085 Ted is fated to go there first. 430 00:17:12,107 --> 00:17:14,195 He is our Neil Armstrong. 431 00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:16,908 Spacesuit up, Ted, 432 00:17:16,910 --> 00:17:17,999 'cause you're going to the moon. 433 00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:18,925 Step one. 434 00:17:22,143 --> 00:17:23,240 Ladies. 435 00:17:23,643 --> 00:17:24,844 I couldn't find your coats, 436 00:17:24,850 --> 00:17:27,117 but I did find... tequila. 437 00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:31,985 Wait, wait, wait, a remote control fireplace? 438 00:17:32,383 --> 00:17:33,885 We don'Hot have a remote control fireplace. 439 00:17:33,917 --> 00:17:35,500 Right, that's my apartment. 440 00:17:35,517 --> 00:17:36,900 The dressing gown's mine, too. 441 00:17:36,950 --> 00:17:38,140 Damn, this should be me. 442 00:17:38,383 --> 00:17:39,400 Anyway, continuing... 443 00:17:42,216 --> 00:17:44,216 Whew! 444 00:17:45,884 --> 00:17:48,483 I am so exhausted. 445 00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:50,705 So exhausted. 446 00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:53,895 Wait, why would I want to tire them out? 447 00:17:54,050 --> 00:17:56,397 That's your excuse to unleash pretext 448 00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:57,910 for physical contact #1. 449 00:17:59,534 --> 00:18:04,635 Oh, you give the most amazing foot massage. 450 00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:06,800 That's 'cause I used to practice 451 00:18:06,804 --> 00:18:08,655 all the time on my grandmother. 452 00:18:09,700 --> 00:18:11,465 Why in God's name would I say that? 453 00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:13,285 It's endearing. You're a caregiver. 454 00:18:13,533 --> 00:18:15,620 Never take family values out of the equation. 455 00:18:15,700 --> 00:18:16,420 Step three. 456 00:18:18,500 --> 00:18:20,433 Ted, what's wrong? 457 00:18:20,435 --> 00:18:24,175 I was just thinking about this documentary I saw once 458 00:18:25,470 --> 00:18:27,555 about something called a super volcano. 459 00:18:28,837 --> 00:18:30,100 Okay, what the hell? 460 00:18:30,150 --> 00:18:30,975 Wait for it. 461 00:18:31,450 --> 00:18:32,995 It can happen at any time. 462 00:18:34,100 --> 00:18:35,930 And obliterate all life on Earth, 463 00:18:36,500 --> 00:18:39,105 which is why I live by three simple words. 464 00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:44,200 Don't postpone joy. 465 00:18:45,301 --> 00:18:46,595 Oh, my God. 466 00:18:47,468 --> 00:18:49,020 That's so true. 467 00:18:49,367 --> 00:18:50,570 Yeah. 468 00:18:54,167 --> 00:18:55,490 The mortality angle. 469 00:18:55,633 --> 00:18:56,875 That's actually pretty good. 470 00:18:59,250 --> 00:19:00,760 - I can do this. - Yes, you can. 471 00:19:00,883 --> 00:19:03,016 Yeah. I can't believe I'm going to say this, 472 00:19:03,083 --> 00:19:04,648 but I'm actually moved. 473 00:19:04,649 --> 00:19:05,840 Bring it in, guys. 474 00:19:10,420 --> 00:19:11,555 All right. 475 00:19:15,230 --> 00:19:16,555 I'll see you on the other side. 476 00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:50,910 So what happened next? Did you do it? 477 00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:53,395 It doesn't seem right to talk about it. 478 00:19:54,030 --> 00:19:55,960 What? No! Tell me. 479 00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:59,425 Don't tell me because you don't have to 480 00:19:59,430 --> 00:20:00,690 because you didn't do it. 481 00:20:01,596 --> 00:20:03,395 You didn't do it. You did it. 482 00:20:03,396 --> 00:20:04,862 You did it, didn't you? 483 00:20:04,863 --> 00:20:05,925 Did you? 484 00:20:06,650 --> 00:20:07,600 You didn't do it. 485 00:20:07,750 --> 00:20:09,416 Yes, you did. You did. 486 00:20:09,483 --> 00:20:10,483 No, you didn't. 487 00:20:10,549 --> 00:20:11,510 Tell me! 488 00:20:12,483 --> 00:20:14,800 Some stories you tell, some stories you don't. 489 00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:17,790 That's because you didn't do it. 490 00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:19,340 He didn't do it. 491 00:20:20,050 --> 00:20:21,683 You did it You did it, didn't you? 492 00:20:21,684 --> 00:20:22,930 You did it. Tell me, did you? 493 00:20:23,300 --> 00:20:24,900 Ted, belt. Did you? 494 00:20:24,903 --> 00:20:26,030 Did you or didn't you? 495 00:20:26,070 --> 00:20:27,105 Did? 496 00:20:27,537 --> 00:20:29,275 Tell me, please. For the love... 497 00:20:29,700 --> 00:20:30,615 Do you know if he did or didn't? 498 00:20:32,533 --> 00:20:33,700 Oh, hey, um, Hmm? 499 00:20:33,705 --> 00:20:35,435 would you go in there and see if my date's okay? 500 00:20:36,215 --> 00:20:37,180 No problem. 501 00:20:37,247 --> 00:20:37,840 Thank you. 502 00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:49,720 No, nobody's in there, but the window's actually open. 503 00:20:50,510 --> 00:20:52,100 I guess I shouldn't be so surprised. 504 00:20:52,104 --> 00:20:53,970 I mean, she was acting weird all night, right? 505 00:20:53,975 --> 00:20:56,160 Yeah, you know... 506 00:20:57,400 --> 00:20:58,760 why don't I buy you a drink? 507 00:20:59,767 --> 00:21:00,745 Okay. 508 00:21:01,470 --> 00:21:03,445 Did I overhear that you're a surgeon? 509 00:21:03,737 --> 00:21:05,220 Guilty as charged. 510 00:21:05,900 --> 00:21:07,455 Oh, you're so funny. 511 00:21:09,167 --> 00:21:10,200 I'm here! 512 00:21:10,267 --> 00:21:11,586 I'm fine! 513 00:21:12,233 --> 00:21:13,685 My head is bleeding. 514 00:21:14,100 --> 00:21:15,255 Going down again.