RADIO DJ: And that was Chris Isaak with 'Baby Did a Bad, Bad Thing'.
Maybe he should have called me to get it off his chest.
I'm Johnny Velvet and you're back in the Velvet Cave on NO YZ FM.
It's getting onto midnight, time to find out what's happening out there
in the wide, wild world.
Here's Rachel with the 12 o'clock news.
(NEWS JINGLE PLAYS)
So, Rachel, what's this big scoop you've been talking about all night?
WOMAN: All in good time, Johnny.
It's gonna be explosive. That's what I promised the ladies.
Yeah, and I'm sure it all happens very quickly.
Ha ha. You'll never know.
Heading the news tonight,
a senior government minister was under heavy scrutiny
for allegedly cla... What?
What? What? (CHOKES)
Rachel! Ugh!
(CHOKES AND GAGS)
WOMAN ON RADIO: Arranging a funeral
can be a testing time for any family, but without...
(ALL GASP)
She's dead!
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS)
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Hello!
Welcome to Sleuth 101.
And welcome to radio station NO YZ FM,
where late-night newsreader Rachel Timms
has just experienced what programmers call dead air.
Her days of live news coverage are definitely over,
so the job of breaking the story wide open
goes to our mild-mannered cub reporter Julia Morris!
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Oh... Welcome.
Hi, beautiful.
How are you? I'm so very well.
Now, how are your detective skills, Julia?
Oh, gosh, they're really there on the money.
I have not guessed a murder show since the late '70s,
so I'd say tonight will be no exception.
And what style of detective are we going for this evening?
I'm going for the 'Hawaii Five-O' look tonight.
Now, Julia, you're going to meet the four suspects
who were present in the building at NO YZ FM when the murder took place.
When Rachel turned the graveyard shift literally
into the graveyard shift.
But first, you have to check out the crime scene, which is right there.
I love it! (APPLAUSE)
So, this is voiceover booth one, where Rachel was strangled to death
with her own microphone cable.
Our pathologist is currently examining Rachel's body
even more thoroughly than her program director did at the Christmas party.
And the forensics team has had a look around,
but it was past their bedtime, so they may have missed some clues.
So, Julia, you have a scout around
and see what evidence you can rustle up.
OK, well, there is a... Ooh. Ooh!
Oh, I'm not a young woman.
There is a news bulletin which I gather
is maybe the news bulletin that she was reading out
at the time she was... (MAKES CHOKING NOISE)
And it's got some numbers at the bottom.
So I don't know if that means Julia Morris. I imagine...
It doesn't. And...
OK, and then, um, um...
There's another piece of paper here. Can I have that one? What is that?
It's a statutory declaration!
Ooh. But it doesn't say anything.
Or does it? Ooh-wah!
Driving infringement notice for Rachel Timms.
Dreadful driver. Better to get her off the roads, as simple as that.
Um... rightio.
And a bottle of water.
And then... l'm not allowed to take the computer with me, I gather?
No, it's not a prize at the end of the show.
Goddamn it. 'Cause it's a good one.
There are, what I can spot here...
...are some non-brand specific lozenges.
Now, two have been eaten, one unwrapped rather violently.
And then, one has been left behind,
so if she had a sore throat it won't matter 'cause she's gone to God.
Oh, well, not to worry.
(LAUGHS) So...
Oh, look at you!
There is either a bit of fluff from my shoe
or maybe off someone's sort of fancy shrug of some description.
Great. I reckon you've cleared up pretty well.
Come over here. They're mad for me at forensics.
(LAUGHS) OK.
So, I think what we might do is... I'll take those.
We can keep that lozenge. Oh, wah!
Now, it is time to kick off the NO YZ FM murder suspect top four.
Coming in at number one, it's Johnny Velvet.
Oh, wah.
Johnny is a radio veteran who started out as a producer's assistant
and worked his way up to host the top-rating breakfast show,
'Velvet and the Gag Man'.
He was shunted unceremoniously to the night shift
the day after a radio competition went horribly wrong.
It was just another radio show.
I could do them in my sleep.
(RACHEL READS WEATHER NEWS)
JOHNNY: I started my shift after the 10 o'clock news bulletin.
RACHEL: And that's the news for this hour.
And now, it's time for the velvet touch with Johnny Velvet.
Thanks, Rachel. And now, it's time for me to touch you.
My first caller, Simon. Hiya, Simon. What's going down?
MAN: Hello, Johnny? Hello, Johnny. Am I on?
No, Simon, I'm your imaginary friend and I want you to kill them all.
(LAUGHS) Just kidding, Simon.
Yeah, you're on the air.
I wanna know what women are thinking...
JOHNNY: Ten years of talking to weirdos, freaks and losers
was starting to get me down.
But beemers don't pay for themselves.
At about 10:30, I needed to make a phone call and stretch my legs,
so I put on a track and split.
Hi, Johnny. He was with who?!
I'll call you back.
Rach, you got a minute?
Oh, actually, I've got to rehearse the next bulletin.
JOHNNY: It was like that.
Off air, we hardly talked these days.
Yeah, Dorothy, they may as well just shut down the UN.
Here's the Chicago Groove Ensemble.
(SONG PLAYS) Yes, Rachel?
RACHEL: Straight out of the song? Yeah, yeah.
Chill. It'll be fine. I'll throw to you.
Well, yeah, it's fine for you, you don't have to sit in this cupboard.
Oh! That jerk had to fix my studio.
The sooner I am out of here, the better.
What's with her? Tell me about it.
JOHNNY: After the 11 o'clock news,
it was time for our regular comedy spot
with that HILARIOUS comedienne,
you know, the one in that toothbrush ad?
(LAUGHS) Thanks, Rachel.
And now it's time to welcome back into the Velvet Cave
funny lady and close personal friend, Judy McEvoy.
OK, Judy, what's got your goat this week?
Oh, it's the road toll, Johnny.
Until recently, I thought drag racing
was two floats competing for the lead spot in the Mardi Gras.
(BOTH LAUGH) Good one.
Oh, but seriously, Johnny, young men are dying out there.
That's why I've become the new face of the 'Speed Kills' campaign.
Hang on, that's a good cause and all,
but it sounds like cash for comment which I will not stand for,
as I was just saying to my personal trainer
there are Jumps Gym where your fitness comes first.
(LAUGHS) Hey, here's the Shaker Boys.
(SONG PLAYS)
What, that's it? One spot. That's all Ann wanted.
I've gotta record a sketch for the morning. I'll be in V/O 2.
I'll be in WC 1.
Hmm?
I have to do wees.
Don't threaten me, you sad bitch.
And I was never your friend.
JOHNNY: And then, it was just a typical mind-numbing show.
Shirley called in. That woman could bawl for Australia.
WOMAN: He just sits there staring at me.
I know he's planning something.
I've never trusted that cat. Uh-huh.
And then, it was time for the midnight bulletin.
And you know what happened next.
(RACHEL CHOKES AND GAGS) Rachel?
Are you alright? Rachel?
Alright, Julia, everything you saw then was true.
But Johnny may have cut off some important details,
so the only way you're gonna work that out
is to talk to him yourself.
He's right over there. Oh, I'm onto him.
Mr Velvet. Mm-hm.
Velvet Cave. (LAUGHS)
Interesting that you weren't the one killed.
Do you... have a sore throat at the moment?
No. Absolutely fine.
I sound like... velvet.
Yes. Interesting.
Except not.
Um, why were you bumped to night-time from mornings?
Look, we had an event that was meant to go one way
and it kind of took a bit of a left turn.
(LAUGHS) But the kid's OK.
Um... And do you hand-pick your own team?
Did you pick the newsreader and your producer?
Yeah, I can't say after that kind of girl-in-the-electric-chair incident
that, really, I had the opportunity to choose my own team.
They were kind of foisted upon me.
Particularly that... comedienne. (CLEARS THROAT)
Right. Judy McEvoy.
Do you trust her? Mmm...
How far do you trust a comedian?
Well, I don't like them myself.
Particularly a female one.
Oh, they're so full of themselves, I can't bear them.
(LAUGHS) Um...
If you were to suspect someone else which would take the heat off you,
who do you think would have the time and the motivation?
OK, well, you're assuming there's heat on me,
which there isn't.
I was on air as she was being murdered.
Come on. Oh, yeah, I forgot that bit.
It's about details, babe. (LAUGHS)
You're struggling. I've got you, haven't I?
On so many levels. I've got you right there.
Velvet... Right there.
Don't start on me, baby, because what I can do
is plant lots of stuff on you
and you're going down to Chinatown is what I'm saying.
I've got two words for you.
Julia, I'll have to stop you, I'm sorry.
But we've got some news for you. Oh, wah.
Yes. Pathology results are through. Scanning.
The cause of death was strangulation.
And the marks around Rachel's neck match the cable.
We've got non-stop suspects here at NO YZ.
Next up, here's Nigel.
Nigel Gates has always been a bit different.
He found his calling when his parents gave him an electronics kit
which he mastered almost immediately.
He found his dream job at NO YZ FM where, for the first time,
he developed an active social life.
One of our on-air studios was on the blink
and it looked like I was going to be pulling an all-nighter.
Not that I minded.
Especially when Rachel was around.
A bit cramped in that stupid little booth.
Don't know how I'm supposed to work in there.
It's actually a fully functional studio.
My, look at that, the nerd speaks.
You can do anything in the big studios that you could do in there.
It's actually, um, patched into the main system
via the A350X digital path technology.
Has Ann spoken to you yet? No.
I've been busy trying to get your studio totally reconfigured.
I have to replace all the faders...
Yeah, yeah. OK, so why are you talking to me?
Oh...
Um... Yeah, of course.
Brian said they love the pilot, so why haven't I heard anything yet?
Hi, Johnny. He was with who?
I'll call you back.
Rach, you got a minute?
Oh, actually, I've got to check the news feed
and then I've got to rehearse the last bulletin.
And I'll bet you're probably flat-out organising lunches with TV execs.
Yeah, my agent saw you with Brian Guthrie.
Mmm. Oh, I think that song is finishing.
(SONG ENDS) Jesus!
NIGEL: Rachel was a tiny bit put out about not being in her studio,
but I couldn't rush.
This was delicate state-of-the-art equipment.
Sorry, Nigel, I know this is a hassle,
but there's been a complaint.
It's about the cross-talk isolation
on the studio one mike feed, isn't it?
I can get it up to 95dB, I just need more time.
No.
It's more an inter-personnel issue, Nigel.
Me? Mmm.
Who'd have a problem with me?! I've gotta go.
We'll talk about this later.
NIGEL: It must have been a misunderstanding.
Probably someone just didn't get one of my jokes.
Anyway, I had to get back to work.
RACHEL ON RADIO: Big scoop coming up in the midnight bulletin.
JOHNNY: Something to do with a certain...
(BUZZING SOUND) (GRUNTS)
RACHEL: No, you'll just have to wait and see.
(BUZZING SOUND) (GRUNTS)
RACHEL: But here in the bulletin now
is a tragic house fire that claimed the lives of four young people.
NIGEL: Hearing Rachel's voice made everything alright.
I had to make sure that studio one and two are patched identically.
I needed help.
Johnny can run the show by himself.
And I don't think I could live with myself
if I didn't get it done tonight.
Do we have to do it now? Yeah. It won't take long.
If the red light flashes up, just hit the corresponding patch number
and I'll link it up.
OK. But if Johnny needs me...
JOHNNY: Ann, I need you.
NIGEL: Ann says everything's a hassle, but she always comes through.
I patched a new cable every 30 seconds
and she was always there with a response.
We kept that up for about 20 minutes until...
She's dead!
Alright, Julia, Nigel is your next interviewee.
Ask away, but don't get too friendly 'cause he's a little bit intense.
Nigel...
Nigel No-mates, have you ever heard that expression?
How many friends do you have, Nigel?
On Facebook? Um...
320.
And... buddies that you catch up with?
I'm busy a lot. In the studio?
It's taking a lot of my time at the moment.
I'm reconfiguring the whole studio,
so you can operate any... any of the studio from any one of the booths.
Do you have a girlfriend?
Um... Rachel was...
...w- was... going to be my...
I noticed that Rachel called you a nerd.
How do you feel about that?
No, Rachel...
That was the funny...
We have banter. That's...
I'm not a nerd. You're a nerd.
Mmm. Yes. May be interesting.
You were quite grumpy about a complaint made about you.
That's a misunderstanding.
That would have been just...
...someone not getting a joke that I'd made.
Mm-hm, 'cause you are...
...you are very funny. Yes.
Julia, I'll have to stop you there.
Time for some news from forensics. Oh, wah.
There are three sets of fingerprints on the mic cable,
Rachel's, Nigel's and Johnny's.
Wah!
Now it's time for a live cross with Johnny's producer, Ann Humphreys.
Ann has been the woman behind many successful radio men over the years.
She often works 18-hour days.
But as Ann says, someone's gotta feed her children.
My main job is fielding calls for Johnny.
His listeners really love him.
I don't think Johnny really wants to talk to your pet duck,
but thanks for calling.
I spend most of my time
separating the boringly psychotic from the broadcast-worthy psychotic.
Speaking of psychotic,
I talked to Nigel about his stalking issues.
He scares me.
When I got back to studio one,
Judy arrived for her regular spot.
Mah! (GASPS)
Who died? Someone died?
I need to put that in the news bulletin.
Anyone famous?
Forget it. Look, I'm really busy tonight, OK?
I'm just doing one minute with Mr Ego and then... (SNAPS FINGERS)
OK? Thanks.
ANN: Judy was contracted to do 10 minutes,
but I've learnt to choose my battles.
You've got to fight for the important things.
(GASPS) That's Johnny's water.
Why are you being so cold?
I thought we were friends.
I stuck my neck out for you to get this job, remember?
I've got a good mind to talk to Malcolm.
Don't threaten me, you sad bitch.
And I was never your friend.
ANN: I wasn't going to sink down to her level of childish name-calling.
Where's my water? The bitch took it!
I'll fill it myself from the tap.
ANN: I just tried to concentrate on my job.
Get over it.
(SIGHS)
Hey, can you give me a hand with the patching?
Nigel, I have my hands full!
Johnny can run the show by himself.
And I don't think I could live with myself
if I didn't get it done tonight.
Do we have to do it now? Yeah. It won't take long.
ANN: Nigel explained how I had to push
the button that corresponded with the light
that was from the channel that the thingy was connected to.
OK. But if Johnny needs me...
JOHNNY: Ann, I need you.
Has Shirley rung back tonight again?
She's always good for a laugh.
OK, Johnny.
You're in luck. She'll talk till the cows come home.
I helped Nigel with his patching thing.
With Shirley on the line, I knew I had at least 15 minutes.
That's all I did. Until she died.
Alright, Julia, I've got Ann on the line for you.
She's calling in from... right there.
Ann, I've been really looking forward to you coming in.
I just... I feel we can talk girl to girl.
You spoke a little bit to Nigel about stalking issues.
Yeah. Who was he stalking?
Oh, well, I don't think I...
Well, it's actually before the courts.
It's an allegation at the moment,
so I don't think I can talk about it...
(WHISPERS) It was Rachel. Rachel.
(NORMAL LEVEL) Um... ah...
I think he means well.
Like stalkers often do.
And you know Nigel is a bit creepy,
but I don't think Nigel could do it.
Why not?
Well, because he was pressing the buttons.
We were doing that patching thingy.
When he pressed every 30 seconds, then I pressed.
So he had to be at the other end of the thing.
How's the night-time suiting you?
Um, well, look, I'll go anywhere that Johnny goes.
And of course I have to be there because I have to make sure
that Rachel is there, ready to go at the 10 o'clock news,
the 11 o'clock news and the 12 o'clock news.
So she's got her three bits leaning into his show.
I just so don't think you did it because you're so beautiful!
I know. Isn't that good?
I'm gonna have to stop you there.
That's all the time we've got for the Ann and Julia Show,
now it's time for news from Cal.
Thanks, Cal.
And it's all about the infringement notice SGX11987.
According to police records
it's a speeding fine for doing 127 in a 60k zone.
Here's the photo snapped by a speed camera.
Ooh, that looks like a Statesman.
It also looks like our next suspect, Judy McEvoy,
alleged comedian, velvet touch and Breakfast Crew regular,
and also Rachel's best friend.
She's well known for her hilarious impersonations.
Well, 'hilarious' may be stretching it just a little.
Rachel was the first person I saw.
Now, look, she's not the warmest person I know,
but last night she was colder than a Nicole Kidman love scene.
Can't really say anything, but I've been told it's as good as signed.
Oh, that's brilliant. Your own TV gig. So lucky.
Oh, no. Luck has absolutely nothing to do with it.
Speaking of signing, have you... have you signed that thing?
Oh, yeah. No. No, I forgot. Sorry.
I mean, why should I, really? It's your fault.
Anyway, I gotta go read the news. See ya.
I did my segment which was, well, after 11:00 so who cares?
She keeps going on about this 'big scoop'.
Oh, it must be that new TV gig she scored,
'Australia's Next Singing Chef Show'.
She signed today.
Step aside, Ruddy...
After that I was in the other voiceover booth
editing a sketch for the Breakfast Crew.
That took me until midnight to finish.
Take that, big business.
That's the last time you'll mess with Super Gillard.
(MURMURS) Mmm, that's good.
I ran back round the corner... (GAGGING)
...and saw her dead.
OK, Julia, you can ask Judy anything.
Ask her to do her Mother Teresa impersonation. It's really topical.
I'm mad for stand-up comedians. I find you very funny.
I listen to you on the radio. Well, you're only human.
I love it.
Congratulations on your 'Speed Kills' campaign.
Thank you.
Isn't it terrific? It's pretty good.
So it must be pretty stressful to have been caught for speeding.
Is that right?
Look, it's not ideal.
But crazy things happen to comedians, you know?
"Whoa, speed kills." And then here I am, you know?
School zone! Whoa, look out.
There goes another one. Yeah.
So why did Rachel say that she would take the rap for you?
'Cause we're mates. That's what we do.
And then she decided not to take the rap for you?
Yeah, then we weren't mates and that's what she didn't do.
And... Oh, God. I could have killed her.
No, no. No.
It's just... you know... Thought I'd throw that in.
And so... Yes.
What I want to find out was the story
that she was going to reveal that night.
Did she confide in you what that story was going to be,
the story that she was breaking?
No, but I assumed that it was the TV gig that she got.
Oh, no. See, I assumed that it was you speeding.
Right.
Do you think that could have been it?
Do you think your name is big enough, perhaps,
for that to be a leading story at midnight?
I'm pretty big. Yeah.
So am I... (LAUGHS)
...for other reasons.
You got one of her lozenges?
No. You slipped in some chewing gum. You're a chewing gum chewer.
I thought it might have been a lozenge that you had
but then I realised that it wasn't.
It was... They're Rachel's.
Why was she having lozenges? Always has them.
News bulletins. Every time, beforehand.
They're so sensible, the news people.
So boring. Oh, my God. So is the news.
I'm gonna have to stop you there
'cause it's time for news, traffic, weather and forensics.
Oh, my goodness.
CAL: Our tech-heads have been through the NO YZ FM records.
Rachel's death was broadcast at 12:01 and five seconds.
Johnny was indeed broadcasting from studio one at the time.
Nigel and Ann had patched their last connection at 12:01 on the dot
and Judy started recording her sketch at 11:51
and it took just over 10 minutes.
And that wraps up our NO YZ FM countdown.
No ads, four suspects, back-to-back.
So who was it?
Was it the velvet-voiced veteran who turned vicious villain
or did the needy, nerdy Nigel noose the neck of the nubile newsreader?
Did the producer reduce her to death,
or did Judy the dubious jester jealously rid her of breath?
Do you need a clue or have you seen the light? Has Julia?
And if she has seen the light,
is she battering herself against it like a giant moth,
a giant moth of truth?
Let's see if she makes more sense of it than I just have.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Alright, Julia, you're on the air.
There's no seven-second delay here, so be careful what you say.
But it's time to say it. Make your accusation.
JULIA: I'm gonna take these people down.
I'm telling you that right now.
Very interesting, everyone. Very interesting.
I really don't think it's you, Judy,
because stand-up comedians are just such amazing and beautiful people
who think about others all the time.
Altruistic, if anything.
We are so not into ourselves.
I'm sick of talking about myself, really.
You and I both.
And so I don't believe it was you, my friend.
Now, Ann, if it is genuinely you I am going to take my own life,
and you can put a bit of white tape around the floor after me.
You had buttons to press. You had a lot going on.
You're under a lot of pressure, lover.
ANN: I am. A lot of pressure.
There's a lot of backcombing going on there and it looks fabulous.
Thank you. Thank you.
Velvet, you don't have time to think about anyone else
other than yourself, doll. No.
You were quite grumpy that she got the television show,
but isn't everybody in wireless?
And it's not like it hasn't happened before, you know?
It brings me to you, you gorgeous old funster.
You're a sexy man. No-one's denying it.
(LAUGHTER)
But I think that you had some stalking situation.
I think that you made your advances
to that incredibly gorgeous creature.
You're touching her head right now,
which just concerns me on many levels.
No-one knows what technicians do
so you could've got away with it at a moment's notice.
You were the only one that was unaccounted for.
I think you made your advances and she was like,
"You are like the fat boy on the trampoline. Get out of my world,"
and you turned like a death adder,
made your way into her private studio,
got your fingers around her neck and took her down.
That is what I'm saying. I think it's Nigel.
Come down here with me. Let's see if you're right.
I doubt I'm right but I'll give it a shot.
Will the real murderer please announce themselves?
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
Why, Johnny? Why?
What can I say, babe? TV was calling. I wanted that gig.
Baby, you wouldn't have been able to do it. It was a singing chef.
I'm sorry, Julia, but it's true.
Rachel had been offered the TV role that had been earmarked for Johnny.
So he had to get rid of her.
JULIA: Oh, my giddy aunt.
But how did he do it? He had an alibi.
Well, listen to this.
Midnight was only the time when the murder was broadcast.
It actually occurred 25 minutes earlier,
before Rachel had had her third lozenge.
JULIA: Oh, wah!
Fill it myself from the tap.
CAL: As Johnny slipped out of the studio
he pressed record for the voiceover booth,
creating an audio file he named 'Wife of Jacob' -
a biblical reference to 'Rachel' -
then on the pretext of rehearsing the throw, recorded their conversation.
I'm sure it all happens very quickly.
Now, I've got to rehearse. Let me get to it.
Rightio. Rehearse away.
And when Rachel started her practise news read
he grabbed the mic cable and strangled her.
Rachel tried to signal the name of her assailant to Ann
but her message went unnoticed.
I have my hands full.
Afterwards, during Shirley's long phone call,
Johnny edited his final conversation with Rachel.
RACHEL ON RECORDING: ...very quickly.
(RACHEL'S VOICE SPEEDS UP) I'm sure it all happens very quickly.
And then come midnight it was time for the show.
RACHEL: I'm sure it all happens very quickly.
Ha ha! You'll never know.
Before he ran out he deleted the incriminating file,
which is why it disappeared from the screen in V/O booth two.
Oh, I so saw that!
(LAUGHS) But I didn't know what it meant.
CAL: And that is it.
By the way, if you think Rachel was a nice girl, think about this.
She was just about to dob her best friend in for speeding live on air.
How are you feeling, Julia Morris? I would have killed her myself.
I don't blame you, Johnny, but I can't believe you did it,
and you didn't tell me any of the extra stuff.
What about you? Did you spot the literal red herring this week?
Go to the website and let us know,
and there's also a brand-new mystery there for you to solve.
I hope you do better than Julia did.
Ohhh. I'm nice, but not very bright.
(LAUGHTER)
Until next time, I've been Cal Wilson... approximately. Goodnight.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
CAL: Next week on Sleuth 101,
at the Western Dragons footy club
there's a body in the gym and it's not working out.
I've had enough, Robby. I want out.
CAL: Will our celebrity sleuth, Colin Lane,
be on the ball enough to find out
who did the deadly deed in a truly shocking murder?
We're all in this together.
CAL: No guts, no glory, on Sleuth 101 next week.