At least turn the TV on, Mick. I'm bored.
Signed the contract.
Club won't play you if you don't do the fitness test.
Mind you, if I had my way...
Five minutes. Up to 12 k.
I'm over this.
I'm over the training, the injuries,
the early morning swims in the freezing ocean,
having a camera stuck in my face everywhere I go.
Yeah, you're doing it tough.
Heart rate.
Just looking forward to getting my life back.
Ooh! Oh! Oh! (ELECTRICAL FIZZING)
Dan?
Listen to me, Dan Kinsman is the perfect guy for your campaign.
What's happened? He's... dead.
Have you thought about Michael Klim?
(APPLAUSE)
Hello!
Welcome to Sleuth 101.
This is the Western Dragons footy club.
Reformed bad boy and star footballer Dan Kinsman
has just been dropped permanently this week
after putting in a real shocker.
To tackle this mystery head on,
please welcome our special guest detective, Colin Lane.
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
Hello. Welcome.
Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too.
Now, Colin, what sort of style of TV detective
do you think you'll be modelling your style on this evening?
A little bit of Jim Rockford, 'Rockford Files'.
Nice. (HUMS 'ROCKFORD FILES' THEME)
A little bit of Michael Douglas in 'Streets of San Francisco'.
(HUMS THEME SONG)
And maybe just a bit of David Caruso in 'CSl: Miami'.
Not that I know the theme tune, but just 'cause I wanna do this.
Just... a lot, yes.
That's a wise choice to go with.
I brought those glasses in specially for that joke
and I wish I hadn't have bothered.
Now, there are four suspects in this murder tonight.
You're going to meet all of them a little bit later on.
But first of all, I have to take you to the scene of the crime,
which is the Western Dragons Football Club team gym.
Yes. Off you go.
Alright, I'm stepping... (APPLAUSE)
This is where the boys work out.
It clearly didn't work out too well for Dan, though.
What I want you to do is look around, see if you can find any clues.
Does anything leap out at you, apart from...?
Uh, no. Ooh, there's something here.
There's something. There's a wire. Ah, interesting.
Yes, there's a wire.
There's a red wire, um, with a kind of...
Could be a little bit... You know, could be a little phone.
It could be just a weight for the... the piss-poor footballers.
Ooh, what about, er...?
Ooh, there's a business card here in the bag.
Is that important? Patrick Sheehan, 'Daily Herald'.
Sounds important. Yeah, I think that's important.
And, uh, there's a bag down here, there's some towels,
uh, some shoes.
Oh, here's some... here's some vit... some pills.
Interesting. That could be important.
What do you think? I agree with you. I do.
Ooh! Oooh! Hang on a minute. Hang on.
Hang on. An envelope. Hmm!
AUDIENCE: Hmm!
Ooh, some photos.
There's a girl with a very expensive car.
Ooh!
So, you come down here with me, Colin.
Yes. Watch out for that thing. OK, great.
Yes. You leave it there.
What I'm gonna do is take these to forensics.
But what I think you should do is keep hold of that interesting wire.
OK. (LAUGHS)
Or tiny barbell, as you would have it.
(GRUNTS)
So your first draft pick in terms of suspects
is going to be the coach of the Western Dragons,
Mick Schwarz, also known as Ambo in his on-field days
because he sent so many players to hospital.
Ironically, it's now his coaching career that needs urgent medical attention.
And, of course, he's just received the worst news possible.
It was the end of the day
and most of the staff and players had gone home.
But some players need more time than others.
Come on, Mick, give us a break.
Son, I can't pick you - believe me, I'd like to -
unless you get yourself a bigger tank.
He's right, mate. I'm not gonna be here forever.
I'm nearly past it. I turn 20 next month.
Heart rate.
That's pretty good.
Alright, have a rest.
Take another reading later.
You ready for your drug test, Dan?
Sure, mate, I'll just take a couple of lines of cocaine
and I'll be right with you.
Ah! (LAUGHS)
Calm down, Mick. I was just taking the piss.
No, that'd be me taking your piss and it better be clean.
Don't worry, mate, I haven't had anything illegal in my mouth
in the last couple of months, alright?
Although, that... that kebab I had last night was criminal.
MICK: I watched him preen about for a while
and then off for his weekly pointing Percy at the plastic.
You haven't got anything bigger?
Oh-oh! There she blows, Captain!
I love the smell of urine in the morning.
Ugh!
You'll like this one.
It's a cheeky little drop grown on the northern side of the hill.
MICK: We had a strict security procedure for the drug tests
and it certainly didn't involve having Dan's manager in the room.
He always seems to turn up on these days.
Dan, Mick. Mind if I grab my favourite client for a sec?
Wanna talk money with my boy.
Well, we're obviously not paying him enough.
Tell you what, why don't you turn the gym into a pokies venue?
You'll double his salary. Don't be stupid.
Can only fit 30 or 40 machines in there.
Barely scratch the surface.
(PHONE RINGS)
I spent the next 15 or 20 minutes planning for the next match.
But then Rebecca arrived. She's Cary the young fella's girl.
Call you back.
Uh, y-yes?
I... need to talk to you about, um...
Come in. Sit down. Would you like a... a water?
Here, er, look, have one of these.
It'll, uh... it'll replace the salts.
Thanks.
Um, I need to know how I would lodge a complaint.
If this is about that video with the inflatable woman and the pig carcass...
No, no, no.
Do you remember a few weeks ago, when I had that, um...
The tennis accident. It wasn't a tennis accident.
It was after an argument.
Cary. I will kill the little... No. No, no, no. It's not...
Um... Oh, I shouldn't have come. Just forget it, OK?
Forget everything.
MICK: I've got daughters of my own. Hitting a woman is the lowest.
Cary, my office. Now!
I left him in no doubt about how I felt.
And I will not tolerate cowards at this club. It's not on.
There is no 'I' in 'team'.
And one weak apple and the whole tree's broken.
You understand what I'm saying?
Yeah, sometimes you have to be a father to these kids.
Then I went straight to the gym
to do the other part of Dan's contract stipulation -
the fitness test.
Dan?
And you know what happened then.
Dan?
Now, Colin, everything you've seen was the truth.
But Mick may have left out some important details.
The only way you're gonna find out is to ask him yourself.
Take your photos back. OK.
Get over there. Meet Mick. Alright.
Er, right. Dan.
Dan. Dan the man. Did you like him?
Well, there's... there's... it's no secret that we've had some...
...where it's been a bit frictional between us.
Frictional? Yeah.
Is that a word? It is now, yes.
I come out in the press when he first come to the club and I said...
You came out in the press? No, I didn't...
What did your wife have to say about that?
No, I said that I didn't think him coming to the club was a good idea
after he was sacked from his other club.
Yes. Why was that?
There was the problem with the drugs and I thought his glory days were past.
And I was right - he's not playing properly.
You know, I told the board, "You can take a horse to water,
"but, you know, try taking a cow there
"and see what happens to the milk."
So, the ox is slow, so the farmer has to kick it up the bum.
Right, so his form hasn't been terrific. Is that...?
No, no, no. He's, you know...
I will say this about him. Yes.
That his urine has been clean. You know?
You could drink it, you know? Not that...
Not that you have? No, I haven't drunk it.
Would you?
If you were on a desert island,
would you, in fact, get to the stage where you would drink your own urine?
I think I'd drink mine, but I'd draw a line...
You wouldn't drink other people's? Have to be a couple of weeks.
Would you be able to tell the difference?
Would you be able to tell the difference
between my urine and your urine?
Do you think there'd be a chance
that you'd be able to differentiate them
in a frictional kind of way?
Um... Good.
So, uh, it seems that you are a suspect in the murder.
Look, if you're looking for someone...
I am. I'm looking.
Not that I want to cast any nasturtiums,
but I would suggest that, you know, you don't slap your girl around
without there being something else there, right?
And he looks like butter wouldn't, you know, touch his fingers,
but still waters, they go stagnant and they breed mosquitoes.
So I would, you know, spray a little bit of Mortein
in young Cary's direction.
Yeah, but you were actually...
Detective Lane? Yes?
I'm going to stop you arbitrarily there.
Could you? I'm getting nowhere over here.
On closer examination by forensics,
the treadmill has been found to be tampered with.
Oooh!
The murderer added an extra switch.
Turned off, it was just a treadmill.
Turned on, it became an electric chair,
standing room only.
Oooh! OK.
Let's speak to new recruit, Cary Williams.
This is Cary's first year at the Dragons
and he's yet to get a guernsey.
When he's not living it up at the club,
where his nickname is Dunny Brush,
he's throwing himself into his TAFE course,
where his nickname is Absent.
I was the last person to use that machine before Dan.
Could've been me that was on it when it went all random.
Heart rate.
My manager, Robby, would've been devastated.
Oh, hey, Robby. Oh, hey... Corey. Yeah.
Um, oh, it's Cary.
No, no. You don't need a raw recruit. You need a name, like Dan Kinsman.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's available.
When I came out, Rebecca was there. I love her. She's all class.
Cary. Hi. Um, what are you still doing here?
Oh, just hanging round, you know, with the guys.
What are you doing here? Um, I'm just gonna see Mick about...
OK, I'll just dump this stuff in the Civic and wait for you then.
OK. Oh! You stink!
Oh, really? Oh, sorry. I've been working out.
Yeah, I was gonna have a shower when we got home.
Maybe we could, uh, have one together.
(GIGGLES) (LAUGHS)
OK. Alright.
While I waited for Rebecca, I thought I'd sharpen my skills.
(COMPUTER GAME BUZZES)
Then the coach called me in for a pep talk.
Cary, my office. Now!
There is no 'I' in 'team'.
And one weak apple and the whole tree's broken.
You understand what I'm saying?
I had no idea what he was talking about.
I will give you some time to think about it.
Yep, sure.
Hi, lover.
I'm so sorry. Mick got the wrong end of the stick.
Yeah. I mean, everyone knows there's no 'I' in 'team'.
Hang on, are you on level five? Yeah.
Awesome! Well...
It was ace. God, I love her.
Ah, rack off! Oh, I missed the warlock. (MOANS)
MICK: Dan?
Then we went and found Dan.
Colin? Yes?
The new witness is all yours.
Cary, mind if I call you Wayne?
Um... I prefer Mariah. Ha ha.
(LAUGHS)
Don't be funnier than me! Sorry, mate.
Here's some photos for you to have a look at.
Look at them carefully. What can you tell me about them?
Who's that there, do you think? That's my girlfriend, Rebecca.
Yeah? Yeah. We, um...
Whose car is that? Oh, I... I don't know.
I mean, I've seen it round the club and that,
but it's not her car, but...
Yeah. Yeah.
What do you think she could be doing hanging around somebody else's car?
I don't know, it's probably just one of the other girlfriends
of the guys at the club and that.
I don't... I don't know what you're trying to say there.
Well, do you think she'd be capable of doing something of a violent nature
towards a certain other footballer
with a piece of exercise equipment?
No. Rebecca? No way. You think?
No, no, no. No, she's... You're not in this together?
I mean, Dan... I looked up to him. He was like my hero.
Like, we played in the same position.
What were you doing around the exercise equipment,
you know, just before Dan was about to use the piece of equipment?
Well, I had my fitness test... Yeah.
And I finished it. Yeah.
And I picked up my gear and went. Yeah, yeah.
I put it to you... I put it to you
that I have no more lines of inquiry...
CAL: That's good, Colin.
...when it comes to you as a character.
Thank you, Cal - if you would've come in a little earlier,
it would've saved me the embarrassment
of running out of things to ask him.
Colin! Yes.
Stop talking. Yep. Bad cop.
The forensics team have just examined the fuse box of the building
and discovered that the safety switch has been bypassed.
And while there are fingerprints on the switch,
they're too smudged for a match,
but they've also found traces of urine
which we've sent off for DNA testing.
Unsettled? I am.
Our next suspect is Robby Dobson, über manager.
Robby once said he could sell anything.
In fact, he started at an early age.
He's famous for working with both cyclists and female weightlifters.
He secured the Dan Kinsman contract through tenacity, passion
and the fact that no-one else would touch him.
I always turn up on testing day.
Dan's my client and I care about all my clients.
Oh, hey, Robby. Oh, hey... Cory. Yeah.
I needed to chat with Dan but my old CrackBerry wouldn't leave me alone.
Don't talk to me about hybrids.
If I wanted to save the world, I'd tape my wife's mouth shut.
Hello, honey.
What?
No, no, no, no. You did not tell me I had to pick up the kids.
Daddy didn't forget. Mummy just didn't text him.
Daddy loves you very much.
Ooops! Going through a tunnel. Goodnight!
Hello there, Bec.
You waiting for Casey? He's got a big career ahead of him.
Shut up, you sleazebag.
I won't repeat what she said to me. Wasn't very ladylike, that's all.
Anyway, I went off to Mick's office to find Dan.
Hey, I was chatting to Cody's bird.
She's a feisty one, isn't she? Is she here?
Mate... I'll see you in the gym in a minute.
I need to talk to you about the email.
I waited for him in the gym.
Sorry, mate. Caught short, you know?
Yeah, yeah.
So what's this about quitting?
I've had enough, Robby. I want out.
Oh, my God. You've got new management.
I need air. I... I... I need to sit down.
No, mate, it's not that. I just...
I don't wanna play footy anymore.
So you'll do the ads? Yeah.
That's good enough for me. Oh, good.
Yeah. Well done. (PHONE RINGS)
Oh.
Margaret! How's my favourite stylist?
I took that as a win.
So what if he didn't want to kick around a piece of leather anymore?
I still had two years of putting his face on cereal boxes.
Or so I thought.
Alright, Colin, Robby has found a small window in his schedule
and he's willing to talk.
Off you go.
Yeah, I'm holding for Michael Klim.
Yeah, it's Robby Dobson.
Yeah, I wanna talk to Klimmy about a job that I've got him.
Yeah, I realise I don't represent him. But that's how much I care about him.
Oh, I'll hold. I'll hold. Yeah.
Robby, Robby.
Here. Here. There you are. There.
Robby Dobson, could you just hang up the phone just for a second?
'Cause this is an official police interview, if you'd be so very kind.
Hang up the phone?
Would you ask a lactating mother to stop feeding her child?
Uh... That's what this is to me.
Squirting the milk of information into my ear.
I'm still holding for Michael Klim.
Uh, do you know Patrick Sheehan from the 'Daily Herald'?
He's the mongrel that... ruined my boy Dan's career.
Did he? What did he do?
Trumped up some things about drugs and printed them.
You know, but he won't print the fact that he's clean now
and the only thing that he was taking was vitamin B tablets
which I put him on to make sure that he was alright.
He won't print that, though, will he?
The vitamin B tablets, they're not to disguise anything?
The bottle's only about this big.
You couldn't disguise anything with it.
What, did you think I could hide behind it?
What are you talking about? Not you, probably not.
No. No.
It'd have to be a bloody big bottle, wouldn't it?
Yes. What are you inferring?
I'm holding for Michael Klim. ...quite a large gentleman.
Quite a large gentleman? Yeah.
Would you say that if I was a woman? You wouldn't.
Are you a woman? No.
Have you ever been a woman? Would you like to be a woman?
Would you like me to be a woman?
Is Michael still there? Still holding for Michael?
I'm still holding for Michael Klim. I don't want you to be a woman.
Excellent. What's your percentage of your players?
That's commerical-in-confidence. I'm not telling you that.
Well, I'm a police... I'm a dete... I'm a comed... I'm a guy asking you.
Time's up, I'm afraid, Colin.
Robby charges by the hour and this is taxpayers' money we're wasting.
Yeah, but I was just getting on top of him, I swear.
He was shaking in his boots. You're not... Yeah.
You're not getting on top of me. You're not dressing up as a woman.
I really don't care what you do, alright?
We've got some more information in from the boffins at the lab.
The pills were in fact vitamin B.
And in case you're wondering,
vitamin B doesn't act as a masking agent in drug tests.
Forensics have looked at the urine traces,
and unfortunately there weren't enough epithelial, or skin cells,
in the sample to gather DNA information.
Oh, well!
But they have managed to enhance the photos to reveal the numberplate.
The vehicle is registered to Dan Kinsman.
The final suspect is Rebecca Hart.
Rebecca shot to minor celebrity status
after appearing in 'Big Brother'
and bringing the term 'chook snorkelling'
into common parlance.
She's now one of the hosts on the popular renovation show,
'Renno 911 '.
On her agent's advice, she started dating Cary to raise her profile.
Given he's yet to play a game, she probably needs a new agent.
I had some really heavy things to talk about with my lover,
but it wasn't Cary.
What are you still doing here?
I got rid of him and waited for Dan in the gym.
Oh! Oh, no!
Oh!
Mummy just forgot to text him.
Daddy loves you very much.
Hello there, Bec.
I didn't like this guy.
He treated Cary like crap and he was a bad influence on Dan.
Dan's told me all about you.
You're a liar and a cheat
and you're that one that gave Dan those drugs in the first place.
I'd be careful if I were you.
We're all in this together.
If you or Dan say anything...
I didn't know what to do, so I ran off to hide in the toilets.
DAN: I'll see you in the gym in a minute.
Then I heard Dan's voice and I needed to speak to him.
Yep. I got sent photos in the mail. Somebody knows about us.
I don't care. You mean everything to me.
Is that why you hit me? Hey, that was the drugs.
But I'm quitting and I'm coming clean.
I've got an interview with a reporter on Monday.
And finally my conscience will be clear.
Plus, they're paying me heaps.
I've heard it all before, but nothing has changed. It's over.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
I'll never let you go.
(WHIMPERS)
I was scared. I had to talk to Mick.
If you won't let me drop him, I won't be responsible for this...
Well, I don't know what I'll do, but I'll think of something.
Call you back.
Uh, y-yes?
But he was no help at all.
And then he collared Cary
and I was worried that Cary would put two and two together.
Hi, lover.
I'm so sorry. Mick got the wrong end of the stick.
Yeah. I mean, everyone knows there's no 'I' in 'team'.
He was never much good at plussing.
But with buns like his, who cares?
MICK: Dan?
Colin, say, "Hello, Rebecca."
(FLIRTATIOUSLY) Hello, Rebecca.
Hi.
Seen these photos before? Yep. I have.
Seen this business card before?
Patrick Sheehan.
No, I haven't seen the business card, but I think I know who he is.
Yeah. Have you seen this envelope before?
Yep.
Seen this pen before?
This is a bit awkward.
Have you done a bit of, uh, hanky-panky with Dan?
Yeah.
Yeah? I'm not proud of it.
And Cary doesn't know, so I'd appreciate it
if you didn't say anything to him if you were talking to him at all.
OK, yeah, alright. Well, I won't mention it to him.
Thank you. I'm really ashamed of what I did.
Yeah. What did you do? I had sex with Dan.
Did you? Yeah.
Wow!
So did, uh...
So, uh, C-C-Cary, has he ever been, uh... has he ever hurt you?
Does he... has he ever hit you or harmed you in any way?
Cary is, like, so gentle. Such a gentle man.
He would never hurt anyone.
What about Dan? Has he hurt you at any time?
Has he hit you?
Yeah, he hit me.
But he didn't mean to hit me. He was...
He didn't meant to hit you? It was the drugs.
He and Robby were taking a lot of drugs together.
Him and Robby? Yeah.
Right.
They were taking, like, ice, cocaine, um, Nurofen,
like all... heaps and heaps and heaps of drugs.
Right. So do you think Robby had something to do with Dan's death?
Why would Robby want to harm Dan, you know, his favourite client?
Because, you know that guy, what you showed me before on that card?
That card, yes. Patrick, yes. We...
Patrick Sheehan? Yes. Sheehan.
Um, he's a journo,
and Dan had told me that he was going to go to a journo...
BOTH: And tell the story...
Alright, Colin, enough of this unsettling flirting.
Final forensics are in. Oooh!
Initially, the rogue wee had everyone stumped.
Without the presence of DNA,
matching urine samples is nearly impossible.
They vary not only from person to person, but also from day to day.
Acting on a hunch,
one of our forensic boffins compared the sample on the safety switch
to Dan's sample taken that evening
and it was a match.
So who's the murderer?
Was it the curmudgeonly coach sidelining Dan permanently?
Or the cuckolded Cary marking his territory?
Maybe the shonky manager resorted to some genuine shock tactics.
Or did a raging Rebecca wreak revenge?
Here's a clue before the final siren.
What do you know about vitamin B?
It's not so much a clue. More just a general knowledge question.
But more importantly, what does Colin Lane know?
Alright, Colin, are you ready to accuse your murderer?
Er, no, but I'm gonna give it a go anyway.
I'm gonna wander over here. Er...
I think... Yeah, look. Yeah. (LAUGHS FORCEFULLY)
I don't know. Er...
I don't think, with all due respect, you're intelligent enough to pull it off.
Uh... CARY: Careful, mate.
I don't... Settle down.
I don't think that you really would risk your position
and I don't think that you, as the manager of Dan,
would kill the goose that was laying or was going to lay the golden eggs,
so I suspect that in some way,
I haven't got a lot of proof,
I haven't really got a lot of deduction to prove this,
but I kind of just think it's you,
uh, because you're young, you're ambitious,
you want to play football
and Dan was stopping you from playing
and that was your lifelong ambition
and you wanted to be with this lovely...
Well, I use 'lovely' loosely.
Uh...
I think that you... I mean, not...
You know, as the character, not the actress.
Uh, but, um, I think that you wanted to get something...
Yeah, I think it was... I think it was...
I think it was, um... What's his name? Cary.
Cary. Is that your final word? Yeah, it's my final word.
But it's... I don't think it's the right one.
Colin Lane... Yes?
Come and stand here next to me. (EXHALES DRAMATICALLY)
To put it into football-speak... Yes.
(OCKER ACCENT) Yeah, no, you've given it 110%.
Let's see if you got it over the line for the boys.
You're a Cherry Ripe for the win.
Will the real murderer please make themselves accountable?
He's moving. He's moving too. Oh, he's moving too.
He's still on the phone, though.
Michael Klim! Was it Michael Klim?
Michael. Michael!
It was me. Yeah! Oh!
(APPLAUSE)
I did it. You were right. I know. I know I was.
He took my spot on the team. He took my girlfriend.
He even took my piss. He did indeed.
Cary had suspected the affair
and one night followed his girlfriend and took some photos to prove it.
He thought sending her the photos would put a stop to it,
but it hadn't.
So he decided on a more drastic course of action.
Using the electrical skills he'd learned at TAFE,
Cary tricked-up the treadmill in advance.
All he had to do was flick a switch.
On his way to disable the safety switch,
he was obliged by his manager, Robby,
to help his teammate once again with the weekly urine test.
He left his own untainted urine in a bottle in the cubicle
for Dan to get later,
which explains why he had no drink bottle when he left the toilet.
Ohh! AUDIENCE: Oooh!
Unfortunately, but rather typically, Cary's aim wasn't perfect
and he ended up with traces of urine on his hand
which he then transferred to the fuse box.
And that's it, as clear as Cary's urine sample.
Dan's, by the way, would've been a much more jaunty yellow,
thanks to all that vitamin B.
All screamingly obvious now, isn't it, Colin?
Yes, yes. To a... to an intelligent person.
But you got it right despite yourself.
Yes, I did get it right, didn't I?
Congratulations. I got it right. I'm... I'm...
I'm extremely happy. I'm chuffed.
Now, you lot, did you spot the red herring this week?
No. Go to our website and find out.
You're talking to them.
While you're there, take a gander at the Sleuth 101 interactive game.
Until next time, I've been Cal Wilson or someone amazingly similar.
Goodnight.
Next week on Sleuth 101, art imitates life
and it does a nice impression of death too
when a friendly neighbourhood art class
becomes a lesson in murder.
This is the art class
with, you know, the nudes and stuff?
It's a brush with death
that puts four faces in the frame
and Detective Hamish Blake has to join the dots.
That's an interesting take on it, Ern.
I don't know much about murder, but I know what I like
on Sleuth 101.