1 00:00:07,736 --> 00:00:08,837 Good mood, bad rhyme, 2 00:00:09,405 --> 00:00:11,572 and is that a carb on your plate? 3 00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:13,541 I got a "B" on my Nutrition final, 4 00:00:13,609 --> 00:00:16,772 and I am celebrating with pie and a dollop of whipped irony. 5 00:00:16,840 --> 00:00:19,662 Nice. I'm knitting something for my new cat. 6 00:00:19,730 --> 00:00:21,554 It's been two weeks since I lost Suzie B., 7 00:00:21,622 --> 00:00:23,086 so I figured it was time to move on. 8 00:00:23,154 --> 00:00:25,651 Not being an animal lover, I assume it'll be nice 9 00:00:25,718 --> 00:00:27,117 to start over with a fresh kitten. 10 00:00:27,184 --> 00:00:29,315 Fresh kitten? I go to a shelter 11 00:00:29,383 --> 00:00:32,482 and rescue an animal that genuinely needs my help. 12 00:00:32,550 --> 00:00:34,283 Okay? 13 00:00:34,351 --> 00:00:36,692 Why do you think I am knitting a tiny, little eye patch? 14 00:00:36,760 --> 00:00:38,794 Excuse me. Hi. 15 00:00:38,862 --> 00:00:40,264 We're in High School, 16 00:00:40,332 --> 00:00:41,865 but we're here taking some classes for college credit. 17 00:00:41,933 --> 00:00:43,972 Well, all right. Way to be go-getters. 18 00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:45,309 Thanks. 19 00:00:45,377 --> 00:00:47,214 So we were... we were just wondering... 20 00:00:47,281 --> 00:00:48,983 Can you tell us exactly what you did 21 00:00:49,051 --> 00:00:50,186 in your lives to end up here 22 00:00:50,253 --> 00:00:52,822 so that we don't make the same mistakes? 23 00:00:52,890 --> 00:00:53,956 [snickering] 24 00:00:54,024 --> 00:00:55,725 Because if I end up 35 25 00:00:55,793 --> 00:00:57,862 and celebrating a "B" 26 00:00:57,929 --> 00:01:00,430 in Nutrition in community college, 27 00:01:00,498 --> 00:01:01,898 I'll kill myself. 28 00:01:01,965 --> 00:01:05,133 - Watch it. - Yeah, watch it. 29 00:01:05,201 --> 00:01:06,867 Or what, Schmitty? 30 00:01:06,934 --> 00:01:09,135 [laughter] Schmitty! 31 00:01:09,203 --> 00:01:10,969 You gonna knit me something sad 32 00:01:11,037 --> 00:01:12,371 in your house full of cats with no furniture? 33 00:01:12,438 --> 00:01:14,807 Listen, it is a studio apartment, 34 00:01:14,875 --> 00:01:16,443 and knitting is hip. 35 00:01:16,510 --> 00:01:18,745 Winona Ryder knits. 36 00:01:18,813 --> 00:01:21,083 [laughs] Who? 37 00:01:21,150 --> 00:01:22,918 - Schmitty! - Schmitty. 38 00:01:22,985 --> 00:01:24,719 - Schmits! - Schmitty. 39 00:01:26,456 --> 00:01:27,924 I have done things with my life. 40 00:01:27,992 --> 00:01:28,992 Awesome things. 41 00:01:29,060 --> 00:01:30,694 I've been to 14 countries. 44 00:01:35,501 --> 00:01:37,436 Why are you letting a bunch of teenagers get to you? 45 00:01:37,503 --> 00:01:39,806 I don't even remember what they said. 46 00:01:39,874 --> 00:01:40,841 It just rolled off my back... 47 00:01:40,908 --> 00:01:43,177 Would you stop tuning that guitar? 48 00:01:43,245 --> 00:01:45,247 You are 105 years old! 49 00:01:45,315 --> 00:01:48,218 Tell me exactly what you did with your life to end up here 50 00:01:48,285 --> 00:01:50,020 so I don't make the same mistakes! 51 00:01:51,924 --> 00:01:54,660 Excuse me! 52 00:01:54,728 --> 00:01:56,429 But it's springtime, and I thought 53 00:01:56,497 --> 00:01:57,864 I might woo a few chicks. 54 00:01:57,932 --> 00:01:59,900 [strumming guitar] 55 00:01:59,968 --> 00:02:01,268 ♪ No one to watch while we're kissing. ♪ 56 00:02:01,336 --> 00:02:03,171 ♪ ♪ 57 00:02:03,238 --> 00:02:07,743 ♪ No one to see while we spoon. ♪ 58 00:02:07,811 --> 00:02:11,948 ♪ Let's take a trip in my airship, ♪ 59 00:02:12,016 --> 00:02:14,252 ♪ and we'll visit the man in the moon. ♪ 60 00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:16,054 Hey, hey, hey. 61 00:02:16,122 --> 00:02:17,389 What the... hey! 62 00:02:17,457 --> 00:02:18,691 Hey! What? 63 00:02:20,994 --> 00:02:22,928 [shouts] 64 00:02:22,996 --> 00:02:24,564 What the hell? 65 00:02:24,632 --> 00:02:27,601 Sorry. 66 00:02:27,668 --> 00:02:28,669 Animal House. 67 00:02:28,737 --> 00:02:30,471 A reference my ears applaud. 68 00:02:30,539 --> 00:02:31,572 I couldn't resist. 69 00:02:31,640 --> 00:02:32,673 Smashing the guitar of someone 70 00:02:32,741 --> 00:02:33,942 singing a cloying love song 71 00:02:34,010 --> 00:02:35,511 was on my quintessential college experience list. 72 00:02:35,578 --> 00:02:37,179 - Your what? - It's a list of everything 73 00:02:37,247 --> 00:02:38,381 that movies have taught me 74 00:02:38,448 --> 00:02:40,116 comprises a successful first year at college. 75 00:02:40,184 --> 00:02:42,019 Bond with a group of loveable misfits. 76 00:02:42,087 --> 00:02:44,254 - Check. - Take on the school bully. 77 00:02:44,322 --> 00:02:45,856 - Check. - Make out with the hottest girl 78 00:02:45,924 --> 00:02:47,424 - on campus. - Check-a-rooni. 79 00:02:50,095 --> 00:02:51,762 Unfortunately, the school year's almost over, 80 00:02:51,830 --> 00:02:53,197 and there's a bunch of stuff left on the list. 81 00:02:53,265 --> 00:02:54,298 Well, I'll help you finish it. 82 00:02:54,366 --> 00:02:55,466 I'll be like your Morgan Freeman. 83 00:02:55,534 --> 00:02:56,801 Like in The Bucket List. 84 00:02:56,869 --> 00:02:57,802 The what? 85 00:02:57,870 --> 00:02:59,403 Stand up for a second. 86 00:03:01,339 --> 00:03:03,507 Uh, over here. 87 00:03:03,575 --> 00:03:06,043 Stand there. Okay, turn around. 88 00:03:08,813 --> 00:03:10,313 - [gasps] - [Laughs] 89 00:03:10,381 --> 00:03:12,315 - [laughs] - What the hell? 90 00:03:12,383 --> 00:03:13,684 Pantsing someone was on my list. 91 00:03:13,751 --> 00:03:15,153 It would have been better if you were wearing 92 00:03:15,220 --> 00:03:17,155 the standard giant hearts on underwear, but I'll take it. 93 00:03:17,222 --> 00:03:18,223 Oh, yeah? 94 00:03:18,290 --> 00:03:19,791 Well, I hope getting pantsed 95 00:03:19,859 --> 00:03:21,093 is on your list. 96 00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:22,828 Ha-ha! [laughter and exclamations] 97 00:03:22,896 --> 00:03:24,897 It is. 98 00:03:24,965 --> 00:03:27,500 [laughter] 99 00:03:27,568 --> 00:03:30,637 What's so funny? 100 00:03:30,704 --> 00:03:32,071 This! 101 00:03:32,139 --> 00:03:34,106 [gasps] 102 00:03:36,109 --> 00:03:37,710 Oh! Um. 103 00:03:37,778 --> 00:03:42,081 [laughs] 104 00:03:42,149 --> 00:03:43,082 Get it? 105 00:03:43,150 --> 00:03:44,850 [upbeat music] 106 00:03:44,918 --> 00:03:55,654 Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 107 00:03:57,765 --> 00:03:59,065 - Finally. - No. 108 00:03:59,133 --> 00:04:02,436 Pierce, Shirley is way too angry to talk to you right now. 109 00:04:02,503 --> 00:04:04,805 Yeah, you'll have to apologize later. 110 00:04:04,873 --> 00:04:05,939 Apologize? For what? 111 00:04:06,007 --> 00:04:07,574 She... she should apologize to me. 112 00:04:07,642 --> 00:04:09,910 She ruined my joke. 113 00:04:13,849 --> 00:04:16,084 Oh, my God. 114 00:04:16,152 --> 00:04:18,187 There's a grandpa schlip-schlap. 115 00:04:18,254 --> 00:04:20,456 "Have you seen my Schmitty, Sonny?" 116 00:04:20,524 --> 00:04:23,259 "Help me. I'm gonna crap my pants." 117 00:04:23,327 --> 00:04:24,294 - "Someone help me." - Oh! 118 00:04:24,362 --> 00:04:25,729 Seriously, Nutrition, 119 00:04:25,797 --> 00:04:27,431 this is your life? 120 00:04:27,498 --> 00:04:29,400 Actually, I was a lawyer. 121 00:04:29,467 --> 00:04:30,868 Looks like that went well. 122 00:04:30,936 --> 00:04:32,069 And now you hang out 123 00:04:32,137 --> 00:04:34,205 With schlip-schlap and schlap-skank. 124 00:04:34,272 --> 00:04:37,742 Oh, my God, is she wearing a discman? 125 00:04:37,809 --> 00:04:39,610 [laughter] 126 00:04:39,678 --> 00:04:41,712 How could you do this to me? 127 00:04:41,780 --> 00:04:44,582 What? Discmans are retro. 128 00:04:44,650 --> 00:04:46,417 Oh, is retro when you're 30 129 00:04:46,485 --> 00:04:50,454 and broke and can't afford an iPod, Schmitty? 130 00:04:50,522 --> 00:04:53,824 Oh, bug-a-bah. 131 00:04:53,892 --> 00:04:56,493 I think Schmitty means loser. 132 00:04:56,561 --> 00:04:57,928 Both: We know! 133 00:04:57,996 --> 00:04:59,330 You may come back in now. 134 00:04:59,397 --> 00:05:00,998 I have something to say. 135 00:05:01,066 --> 00:05:04,302 This better be a good apology. 136 00:05:04,370 --> 00:05:05,737 This has been a long time coming, 137 00:05:05,804 --> 00:05:07,672 and we have all joked around and rolled our eyes at him, 138 00:05:07,740 --> 00:05:09,574 but there has been a transgression today, 139 00:05:09,642 --> 00:05:11,209 and I will no longer continue 140 00:05:11,277 --> 00:05:13,078 to be a part of the group with this man. 141 00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:14,813 Just skip to the "I'm sorry." 142 00:05:14,881 --> 00:05:17,449 You are pathological, and you will never change. 143 00:05:17,517 --> 00:05:20,352 Huh. That is the pot calling the kettle... 144 00:05:20,419 --> 00:05:22,321 a kettle, okay. 145 00:05:22,388 --> 00:05:24,089 Oh, you can say black, Pierce. 146 00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:26,358 I'm a black woman. The cat is out the bag. 147 00:05:26,426 --> 00:05:27,826 You have literally identified me 148 00:05:27,894 --> 00:05:29,895 to strangers as "the black woman." 149 00:05:29,962 --> 00:05:30,962 Out of context. 150 00:05:31,030 --> 00:05:33,098 Context is everything. 151 00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:35,333 I call the other women "flat-butt" 152 00:05:35,401 --> 00:05:37,035 and "the one Abed wants to nail." 153 00:05:39,705 --> 00:05:41,439 So what's the context 154 00:05:41,506 --> 00:05:43,674 for constantly referring to me as a lesbian? 155 00:05:43,742 --> 00:05:45,909 If the wallet chain fits. 156 00:05:45,977 --> 00:05:47,610 I'm just trying to help you find yourself. 157 00:05:47,678 --> 00:05:50,546 At least he doesn't think that Shirley's my mom anymore. 158 00:05:50,614 --> 00:05:51,680 He thinks that we're cousins. 159 00:05:51,748 --> 00:05:52,881 You're not? 160 00:05:52,949 --> 00:05:54,149 He still assumes I'm a terrorist. 161 00:05:54,217 --> 00:05:55,550 If you're not, I'm sorry. 162 00:05:55,618 --> 00:05:57,052 And if you are, I'm a hero. 163 00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:58,887 I'm willing to take that chance. 164 00:05:58,955 --> 00:06:00,956 You said I have a crafty, Jew brain. 165 00:06:01,025 --> 00:06:02,725 Nobody knows how to take a compliment anymore. 166 00:06:02,793 --> 00:06:04,893 Look, either he leaves the group, 167 00:06:04,961 --> 00:06:06,028 or I do. 168 00:06:06,096 --> 00:06:08,130 [laughs] 169 00:06:08,198 --> 00:06:12,034 You just dug your own grave. 170 00:06:23,980 --> 00:06:26,582 Hey. What's up? 171 00:06:26,649 --> 00:06:28,316 They kicked me out of the group. 172 00:06:28,384 --> 00:06:30,418 Damn. Want to buy some cookies? 173 00:06:30,486 --> 00:06:34,222 Ten bucks a box. Oh, crap! 174 00:06:34,289 --> 00:06:35,490 [pants] 175 00:06:35,557 --> 00:06:37,325 Have you seen a Chinese kid? 176 00:06:43,131 --> 00:06:44,632 Twerps. 177 00:06:49,165 --> 00:06:52,101 Oh, hey, Pierce. How's it going? 178 00:06:52,169 --> 00:06:54,637 - Unrepentant child. - Such a child. 179 00:06:54,705 --> 00:06:57,073 Ooh, here comes stinky turd face. 180 00:06:57,141 --> 00:06:59,075 Remember, we don't stop till he's crying. 181 00:06:59,143 --> 00:07:01,110 Oh, check out franken-mom. 182 00:07:01,178 --> 00:07:03,279 Ooh, use that. No wedding ring. 183 00:07:03,347 --> 00:07:04,614 He's a child of divorce. 184 00:07:04,682 --> 00:07:08,117 We can make fun of him for coming from a broken home. 185 00:07:08,185 --> 00:07:09,818 I don't care if this gets dirty. 186 00:07:09,886 --> 00:07:11,453 He asked for it. 187 00:07:11,521 --> 00:07:12,588 You're right. 188 00:07:12,655 --> 00:07:15,023 Get ready to meet Jeff Winger, esquire, 189 00:07:15,090 --> 00:07:18,059 Attorney at "ah, snap." 190 00:07:18,127 --> 00:07:19,760 It'll be better than that. 191 00:07:19,828 --> 00:07:22,497 Hey, Clearasil, 192 00:07:22,564 --> 00:07:24,198 What time your mommy's picking you up? 193 00:07:24,266 --> 00:07:25,600 After she's done shooting 194 00:07:25,668 --> 00:07:28,302 The Real Housewives of Greendale County? 195 00:07:28,370 --> 00:07:29,604 "After she's done shooting 196 00:07:29,672 --> 00:07:31,573 The Real Housewives of Greendale County." 197 00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:33,007 Duh! 198 00:07:33,075 --> 00:07:34,743 That's a clever retort. 199 00:07:34,810 --> 00:07:36,411 "That's a clever retort." Duh. 200 00:07:36,479 --> 00:07:38,814 - Brilliant. - "Brilliant." Duh. 201 00:07:38,882 --> 00:07:40,248 Your parents are divorced. 202 00:07:40,316 --> 00:07:42,718 Both: Oh, "your parents are divorced." 203 00:07:42,785 --> 00:07:43,819 All: Duh! 204 00:07:43,886 --> 00:07:46,254 [scoffs] all: [scoff] duh! 205 00:07:46,322 --> 00:07:47,823 Schmitty. 206 00:07:47,890 --> 00:07:48,824 Forget it. Come on. 207 00:07:48,891 --> 00:07:50,826 Come on. Forget that... 208 00:07:50,893 --> 00:07:52,594 - Duh! - Where you going, Schmitty? 209 00:07:52,662 --> 00:07:55,296 - Duh! - I'm sorry, little Schmitty. 210 00:07:55,364 --> 00:07:58,299 - Mimicry is the lowest form... - Stop talking. 211 00:07:58,366 --> 00:07:59,466 [blathering] 212 00:07:59,534 --> 00:08:00,701 Stop talking. Duh! 213 00:08:04,172 --> 00:08:06,473 - Hey, you two. - [Grumbles] 214 00:08:06,540 --> 00:08:07,707 What is that? 215 00:08:07,775 --> 00:08:09,276 Billy. City college's mascot. 216 00:08:09,344 --> 00:08:11,712 Stealing a rival school's mascot was part of Abed's list. 217 00:08:11,780 --> 00:08:13,314 - Check. - Bringing a goat 218 00:08:13,382 --> 00:08:15,449 to our study group... that's a great idea, Troy. 219 00:08:15,517 --> 00:08:17,885 Thanks. Must have been hard for you to say that. 220 00:08:17,952 --> 00:08:19,754 It's called sarcasm, Troy. 221 00:08:19,821 --> 00:08:21,756 Ask the goat to explain it to you. 222 00:08:23,792 --> 00:08:25,192 Why do I feel like I'm being dissed? 223 00:08:25,260 --> 00:08:26,827 Because you are being dissed. 224 00:08:26,895 --> 00:08:28,195 Why are you two dissing Troy? 225 00:08:28,263 --> 00:08:29,497 Because they no longer have Pierce. 226 00:08:29,564 --> 00:08:31,332 - [scoffs] - What? 227 00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:33,067 Pierce's universally recognized social flaws 228 00:08:33,135 --> 00:08:35,069 made him the scapegoat, a lightning rod. 229 00:08:35,137 --> 00:08:36,837 Now he's gone, so there's lightning everywhere. 230 00:08:36,905 --> 00:08:38,072 That sounds dangerous. 231 00:08:38,139 --> 00:08:39,440 My uncle was struck by lightning. 232 00:08:39,507 --> 00:08:40,908 You think it'd give you superpowers, 233 00:08:40,976 --> 00:08:42,844 but now he just masturbates in theaters. 234 00:08:42,911 --> 00:08:43,912 It's very dangerous. 235 00:08:43,979 --> 00:08:45,280 We've lost our Cliff Clavin. 236 00:08:45,348 --> 00:08:47,682 Our George Costanza. Our turtle. 237 00:08:47,750 --> 00:08:49,918 Or Johnny Drama. Or Eve. 238 00:08:49,985 --> 00:08:52,588 - Man, that show is sloppy. - So what's gonna happen? 239 00:08:52,655 --> 00:08:53,922 It's only a matter of time before one of us 240 00:08:53,990 --> 00:08:55,658 becomes the new Pierce. 241 00:08:55,726 --> 00:08:59,262 Well, I sure as hell am not gonna be the new Pierce. 242 00:08:59,330 --> 00:09:04,367 And if all we need is an escape-goat, 243 00:09:04,435 --> 00:09:06,369 I think we should just let this one go. 244 00:09:06,437 --> 00:09:08,404 Sometimes you've got to be pretending, Troy. 245 00:09:08,472 --> 00:09:09,772 Maybe the new Pierce is Britta. 246 00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:11,173 Yeah, right. 247 00:09:11,241 --> 00:09:12,507 How do you pronounce bagel again? 248 00:09:12,575 --> 00:09:15,610 - Bah-gel. - She calls bagels bah-gels. 249 00:09:15,678 --> 00:09:17,945 We do make fun of a lot of what you do and say. 250 00:09:18,013 --> 00:09:19,847 Yeah. Right to my face, 251 00:09:19,914 --> 00:09:22,616 'cause I can take it, unlike a certain someone else. 252 00:09:22,684 --> 00:09:23,817 - [gasps] - [Mimics gasp] 253 00:09:23,885 --> 00:09:26,754 [gasps] all: [mimic gasp] 254 00:09:26,822 --> 00:09:28,590 Come on, everybody, let's not make fun of Annie. 255 00:09:28,657 --> 00:09:30,759 No, no, I don't want anybody's pity. 256 00:09:30,827 --> 00:09:32,194 You know, come to think of it, after Pierce, 257 00:09:32,262 --> 00:09:33,562 - You're the most bigoted. - What? 258 00:09:33,630 --> 00:09:34,630 All: Mm. 259 00:09:34,698 --> 00:09:35,631 When you found out I was Jewish, 260 00:09:35,699 --> 00:09:36,899 tou invited me to a pool party 261 00:09:36,967 --> 00:09:38,267 that turned out to be a baptism. 262 00:09:38,335 --> 00:09:40,303 Well, excuse me for trying to sneak you into Heaven. 263 00:09:40,371 --> 00:09:42,472 Ooh, what about Abed? Abed's weird. 264 00:09:44,641 --> 00:09:45,808 No, it's not Abed. 265 00:09:45,876 --> 00:09:47,410 He's all right. We like Abed. 266 00:09:47,478 --> 00:09:49,045 Guys, have you considered 267 00:09:49,113 --> 00:09:51,614 the "New Pierce" concept is stupid? 268 00:09:51,682 --> 00:09:54,283 Spoken like the new Pierce. 269 00:09:54,351 --> 00:09:56,719 - You're right. - I am not the new Pierce. 270 00:09:56,787 --> 00:09:58,955 [arguing] You said the world wide web. 271 00:09:59,022 --> 00:10:01,090 Damn the old Pierce. Oh, he makes me so mad. 272 00:10:01,157 --> 00:10:02,758 - You're Pierce's cousin. - Don't double Pierce me. 273 00:10:02,826 --> 00:10:03,892 And you're the triple Pierce. 274 00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:05,760 - That's so unfair. - Guys, guys. 275 00:10:05,828 --> 00:10:08,130 I can't believe I'm gonna utter these words, 276 00:10:08,197 --> 00:10:11,097 But we need Pierce in this group. 277 00:10:11,165 --> 00:10:13,067 But we can't ask Shirley to let him back in. 278 00:10:13,135 --> 00:10:15,269 That would be so insensitive. 279 00:10:15,337 --> 00:10:17,071 Well, maybe he'll admit he's wrong... 280 00:10:17,138 --> 00:10:21,308 Two, three, four. Uh, not! 281 00:10:23,545 --> 00:10:24,812 [snorts] 282 00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:26,748 We need Pierce. 283 00:10:26,816 --> 00:10:29,418 Just stick to the script and make it sincere. 284 00:10:29,485 --> 00:10:30,552 It's not gonna be sincere 285 00:10:30,620 --> 00:10:32,088 because I'm pretending to apologize. 286 00:10:32,155 --> 00:10:33,356 Okay, but you're not getting back in the group 287 00:10:33,423 --> 00:10:34,657 unless she thinks you're sincere. 288 00:10:34,725 --> 00:10:36,425 Stubborn fool. 289 00:10:36,493 --> 00:10:38,327 Can we hurry this up? 290 00:10:38,395 --> 00:10:40,029 Troy and I are pledging the cool fraternity, 291 00:10:40,097 --> 00:10:41,864 and unbeknownst to us, we're actually the target of ridicule 292 00:10:41,932 --> 00:10:43,365 and don't have a chance in hell of getting in. 293 00:10:43,433 --> 00:10:44,567 Yeah. They're making us walk around 294 00:10:44,634 --> 00:10:46,101 with pretzels in our butts. 295 00:10:46,169 --> 00:10:48,103 I put mustard on mine like an idiot. 296 00:10:48,171 --> 00:10:51,273 Okay, Pierce, you can do this. 297 00:10:51,340 --> 00:10:54,342 Oh, boy. 298 00:11:01,850 --> 00:11:03,618 What's he... 299 00:11:08,924 --> 00:11:10,725 Yup. 300 00:11:10,793 --> 00:11:11,993 Shirley, I know you don't want to hear 301 00:11:12,061 --> 00:11:14,062 what I have to say, 302 00:11:14,131 --> 00:11:15,398 but I owe you this. 303 00:11:15,465 --> 00:11:16,899 From the moment we first met, 304 00:11:16,967 --> 00:11:18,969 - I knew you were gonna be... - Seriously! 305 00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:24,875 Oh, Shirley! [laughs] 306 00:11:24,943 --> 00:11:26,977 You are unbelievable! 307 00:11:27,045 --> 00:11:28,779 I'm not wearing my contacts. These are mine. 308 00:11:28,847 --> 00:11:30,614 Give them to me. Oh, but I'm a bag guy. 309 00:11:30,682 --> 00:11:32,583 You have the same bag, so I thought, you know... 310 00:11:32,651 --> 00:11:34,384 That's right, 'cause nothing is ever your fault. 311 00:11:34,452 --> 00:11:35,452 You know what, screw you. 312 00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:36,487 I don't even owe you an apology. 313 00:11:36,554 --> 00:11:38,122 They wrote this. 314 00:11:40,793 --> 00:11:42,460 Just pretend like you asleep. 315 00:11:42,528 --> 00:11:43,695 Just pretend like you asleep. 316 00:11:43,763 --> 00:11:45,397 Thank you! 317 00:11:45,465 --> 00:11:46,598 Now I fully understand 318 00:11:46,666 --> 00:11:48,534 where I have always stood. 319 00:11:48,602 --> 00:11:49,869 I'm entitled to my pride 320 00:11:49,936 --> 00:11:51,604 until it gets in the way of what you guys want. 321 00:11:53,106 --> 00:11:54,473 Got nothing to say? 322 00:11:54,541 --> 00:11:55,808 Well, I do. 323 00:11:55,876 --> 00:11:57,243 I'm out of the group. 324 00:11:57,311 --> 00:11:59,379 - What...Shirley! - All: Shirley! 325 00:11:59,447 --> 00:12:00,714 Oh, Shirley, don't go. Please. 326 00:12:00,782 --> 00:12:04,485 - Uh-oh, sassy, black Schmitty's out of the group. 327 00:12:04,553 --> 00:12:06,253 Oh, no. Not the group. 328 00:12:06,321 --> 00:12:08,588 Poor, sad, little Schmitties. 329 00:12:08,656 --> 00:12:12,058 Can't all of us little Schmitties get along? 330 00:12:12,126 --> 00:12:13,158 Show me! Would you please hurry up? 331 00:12:13,226 --> 00:12:14,359 I am late for my bikini wax. 332 00:12:14,427 --> 00:12:15,627 - Hurry, please. - Who was that? 333 00:12:15,695 --> 00:12:18,030 A punk-ass who needs to be destroyed. 334 00:12:18,097 --> 00:12:19,731 And I just figured out how. 335 00:12:19,799 --> 00:12:22,167 Um, can we focus on what's important here? 336 00:12:22,235 --> 00:12:23,702 Shirley thinks we don't care about her. 337 00:12:23,769 --> 00:12:25,770 No, no, you're right. You're right. 338 00:12:25,838 --> 00:12:27,238 You're right. That's totally more important. 339 00:12:27,306 --> 00:12:28,873 I just... I just thought of one thing. 340 00:12:28,941 --> 00:12:30,441 You need to bang that kid's mom. 341 00:12:30,509 --> 00:12:33,412 Um, after we fix everything with Shirley. 342 00:12:33,479 --> 00:12:34,680 Whoa! 343 00:12:34,747 --> 00:12:36,215 Yes, yes, yes, we'll deal with Shirley, 344 00:12:36,282 --> 00:12:37,482 - but that's brilliant! - I know. 345 00:12:37,550 --> 00:12:39,417 Because then anything that he says about you... 346 00:12:39,485 --> 00:12:41,385 He'll be saying to a dude that banged his mom! 347 00:12:41,453 --> 00:12:42,887 Oh, my God, you guys. 348 00:12:42,955 --> 00:12:44,788 - Sorry. Shirley. - Shirley. 349 00:12:44,856 --> 00:12:46,690 - Okay. - Yes! 350 00:12:49,788 --> 00:12:51,989 [car horn blasts] 351 00:12:54,826 --> 00:12:55,826 [car horn blasts] 352 00:13:01,065 --> 00:13:02,700 [beeps] 353 00:13:05,003 --> 00:13:06,237 All right, bye, everybody. 354 00:13:06,305 --> 00:13:08,005 Have a great day. 355 00:13:08,073 --> 00:13:09,207 Be right here at 3:00, please. 356 00:13:09,275 --> 00:13:12,744 I'll be in a hurry. 357 00:13:12,812 --> 00:13:15,780 Excuse me. 358 00:13:15,848 --> 00:13:16,882 Sorry to bother you. 359 00:13:16,949 --> 00:13:18,083 You don't happen to have 360 00:13:18,151 --> 00:13:19,718 an extra bottle of sports drink, do you? 361 00:13:20,236 --> 00:13:21,603 Actually, I do. 362 00:13:21,670 --> 00:13:23,404 - Here you go. - Oh, thanks. 363 00:13:23,472 --> 00:13:25,006 Gotta hydrate, right? 364 00:13:25,074 --> 00:13:27,208 But obviously you know. You work out. 365 00:13:27,276 --> 00:13:29,777 Well, I try to keep things where they should be. 366 00:13:29,845 --> 00:13:32,180 I think I might be where should I be. 367 00:13:36,285 --> 00:13:38,452 I don't know about your robot, Abed. 368 00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:39,687 Boobatron's great. 369 00:13:39,754 --> 00:13:41,088 And once someone spills bong water 370 00:13:41,156 --> 00:13:42,590 on his circuitry and he comes alive, 371 00:13:42,658 --> 00:13:44,024 he's gonna make us the coolest guys on campus 372 00:13:44,092 --> 00:13:45,126 and help us get babes. 373 00:13:45,194 --> 00:13:46,694 Those are real babes 374 00:13:46,762 --> 00:13:48,730 who will really laugh at us. 375 00:13:48,798 --> 00:13:51,566 Hey. You're my friend, right? 376 00:13:51,633 --> 00:13:52,900 Friends are supposed to help each other, 377 00:13:52,968 --> 00:13:54,302 no matter what! 378 00:13:56,171 --> 00:13:57,805 Okay. 379 00:13:57,872 --> 00:14:00,208 Ridiculous situation descending into heavy-handed drama 380 00:14:00,275 --> 00:14:01,676 for the illusion of story. 381 00:14:01,743 --> 00:14:04,378 Ch-ch-ch-ch. Check. 382 00:14:04,446 --> 00:14:06,881 What? That was awesome. 383 00:14:06,949 --> 00:14:08,283 All right, I am back in. 384 00:14:08,350 --> 00:14:09,684 Cool. 385 00:14:09,752 --> 00:14:11,719 All right, here we go. 386 00:14:16,257 --> 00:14:18,191 Just so you know, I'm Shirley. 387 00:14:18,259 --> 00:14:19,492 Wouldn't want you reaching for me 388 00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:23,496 should you get a hankering for pancakes. 389 00:14:23,564 --> 00:14:25,965 I'm old, and I do not see well. 390 00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:27,133 And you already won, so shut it. 391 00:14:27,201 --> 00:14:28,535 I won? Oh, no. 392 00:14:28,603 --> 00:14:29,803 They want you in the group, and I quit, 393 00:14:29,871 --> 00:14:30,938 so you go ahead and hang with them. 394 00:14:31,006 --> 00:14:32,706 No, thanks. 395 00:14:32,774 --> 00:14:34,575 I'm sick of the way that group treats me. 396 00:14:34,642 --> 00:14:35,642 Preaching to the choir. 397 00:14:35,710 --> 00:14:37,910 Tell you what I'm not gonna miss... 398 00:14:37,978 --> 00:14:39,512 Abed and Troy's silly little games. 399 00:14:39,580 --> 00:14:41,280 Grow up, already. 400 00:14:41,348 --> 00:14:42,715 [laughs] And by the way, 401 00:14:42,783 --> 00:14:43,783 thanks for including me. 402 00:14:43,850 --> 00:14:44,917 Please, you think Annie and Britta 403 00:14:44,985 --> 00:14:46,018 invite me when they take 404 00:14:46,086 --> 00:14:47,287 those little weekend trips to the mall? 405 00:14:47,354 --> 00:14:49,656 They just think of me as some sort of mom. 406 00:14:49,723 --> 00:14:51,023 They both need to learn some manners, 407 00:14:51,091 --> 00:14:52,659 and, you know what, Annie needs to stop dating Vaughn. 408 00:14:52,726 --> 00:14:54,260 He is cute, but he is not the kind of boy 409 00:14:54,328 --> 00:14:55,361 I envisioned her ending up with. 410 00:14:55,429 --> 00:14:56,862 No matter how hard you try, 411 00:14:56,930 --> 00:14:59,132 you can never be as cool or funny as they are. 412 00:14:59,199 --> 00:15:02,769 It's called respect, and no one ever gave me diddly. 413 00:15:02,837 --> 00:15:05,105 Except me. 414 00:15:05,173 --> 00:15:07,274 I respect you more than anyone else in the group. 415 00:15:07,342 --> 00:15:09,309 Which is why you pantsed me? 416 00:15:09,377 --> 00:15:12,947 Well, but, you see, that wasn't wrong. 417 00:15:13,014 --> 00:15:14,148 Oh, for heaven's sakes, 418 00:15:14,216 --> 00:15:17,185 you are such a arrogant, self-righteous ass. 419 00:15:17,252 --> 00:15:18,887 And you are a strong, dignified woman 420 00:15:18,954 --> 00:15:20,822 who's raising a family, a bigger accomplishment 421 00:15:20,890 --> 00:15:22,824 than anybody else in that room. 422 00:15:22,892 --> 00:15:24,159 And nobody can ever strip you of that, 423 00:15:24,226 --> 00:15:25,794 not even me. 424 00:15:25,861 --> 00:15:28,362 - You really believe that? - Yes. 425 00:15:28,430 --> 00:15:30,898 And that's why you think pantsing me wasn't wrong? 426 00:15:30,966 --> 00:15:32,333 It wasn't. 427 00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:35,002 [laughs] 428 00:15:35,069 --> 00:15:37,937 Hmm. 429 00:15:42,876 --> 00:15:43,809 What are you doing? 430 00:15:43,877 --> 00:15:45,311 Did I misread that? 431 00:15:45,379 --> 00:15:48,915 [moans happily] 432 00:15:48,983 --> 00:15:50,917 Oh, here, let me just do that. 433 00:15:50,985 --> 00:15:52,819 You sure you don't want some vodka? 434 00:15:52,887 --> 00:15:54,120 Oh, I'm good. I'm good. 435 00:15:54,188 --> 00:15:55,389 I'm at school. 436 00:15:55,456 --> 00:15:56,957 At 2:00 P.M. 437 00:15:57,025 --> 00:16:00,128 Did someone just take a Schmitty? 438 00:16:00,196 --> 00:16:03,531 Hey. Looks like you'll be calling somebody daddy soon. 439 00:16:03,599 --> 00:16:08,035 Or at least your mom will be tonight. 440 00:16:16,645 --> 00:16:19,380 - Dude, you are so pathetic. - Mark? 441 00:16:19,448 --> 00:16:21,282 Mom, I've been pwning this loser all week, 442 00:16:21,350 --> 00:16:23,384 and he thinks that he can get back at me through you. 443 00:16:23,452 --> 00:16:25,086 What? Pwning? 444 00:16:25,153 --> 00:16:26,220 Pwning. 445 00:16:26,288 --> 00:16:27,822 Do you even know what it means? 446 00:16:27,889 --> 00:16:30,457 Oh, I see what's going on here. 447 00:16:30,525 --> 00:16:32,826 Look, I don't want to come between a son 448 00:16:32,893 --> 00:16:35,728 and his beautiful, vivacious mom. 449 00:16:35,796 --> 00:16:38,430 Oh, my God, you are pathetic. 450 00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:40,632 Yeah. So's the dumb whore who's in on it. 451 00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:42,401 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 452 00:16:42,468 --> 00:16:43,602 I gotta tell you, Chantel, 453 00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:47,907 you have raised a terrible human being. 454 00:16:47,975 --> 00:16:49,108 We're better than this. 455 00:16:49,176 --> 00:16:50,644 No, you're not! 456 00:16:50,712 --> 00:16:53,581 I raised a winner who will continue to crush 457 00:16:53,648 --> 00:16:56,117 junior college losers like you. 458 00:16:56,185 --> 00:16:59,154 Ooh! All: Schmitty! 459 00:16:59,222 --> 00:17:01,690 I'm sorry. This is a matter of pride. 460 00:17:01,758 --> 00:17:04,893 [sighs] 461 00:17:04,961 --> 00:17:06,294 What are you looking at? 462 00:17:06,362 --> 00:17:09,564 "What are you looking at?" duh! 463 00:17:09,632 --> 00:17:11,366 [laughter] 464 00:17:13,736 --> 00:17:18,006 "What are you looking at? Duh!" duh! 465 00:17:18,074 --> 00:17:19,608 School his ass, Mark. 466 00:17:19,676 --> 00:17:23,178 "School his ass, Mark." Duh! 467 00:17:23,246 --> 00:17:25,480 [blathers] Duh. 468 00:17:25,548 --> 00:17:26,648 Duh. Duh. Duh. 469 00:17:26,715 --> 00:17:28,984 - Duh! D-d-duh! Duh! 470 00:17:29,052 --> 00:17:34,023 All: [blathering and shouting "duh"] 471 00:17:43,332 --> 00:17:44,399 Why are Jeff and Britta 472 00:17:44,467 --> 00:17:45,867 making fun of those handicapped kids? 473 00:17:45,935 --> 00:17:48,436 They don't even realize how much they need us. 474 00:17:48,504 --> 00:17:52,507 All: [blathering and shouting "duh"] 475 00:18:10,794 --> 00:18:12,161 Why are they doing this? 476 00:18:12,229 --> 00:18:13,496 I don't know if you've noticed, 477 00:18:13,563 --> 00:18:14,930 but Jeff and Britta have the two most fragile egos 478 00:18:14,998 --> 00:18:16,232 of the group. 479 00:18:16,300 --> 00:18:19,035 These kids will pretty much destroy them. 480 00:18:19,103 --> 00:18:22,472 [blathering continues] 481 00:18:26,577 --> 00:18:29,412 Hey! 482 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:30,981 - What are you doing? - What the hell? 483 00:18:31,048 --> 00:18:32,983 Hey, you didn't say duh! 484 00:18:33,051 --> 00:18:34,918 - We win. - No. 485 00:18:34,986 --> 00:18:36,420 You're the Schmitties. 486 00:18:36,488 --> 00:18:38,455 No, no, we're minors. 487 00:18:38,523 --> 00:18:39,923 - Yeah. - I'm calling the cops. 488 00:18:39,991 --> 00:18:41,792 No, you're not. 489 00:18:41,860 --> 00:18:44,595 You have already embarrassed me by getting pwned. 490 00:18:44,662 --> 00:18:47,598 Don't be such a girl. Go. 491 00:18:47,665 --> 00:18:49,600 - Yeah. See that. - Yes. Suck it! 492 00:18:49,667 --> 00:18:50,934 - Duh. Yeah. - Schmitty face! 493 00:18:51,002 --> 00:18:52,702 And we showed you, high schoolers! 494 00:18:52,770 --> 00:18:56,706 Congratulations on your victory. 495 00:18:56,773 --> 00:18:58,641 Thank you, Annie. 496 00:18:58,708 --> 00:19:00,042 Yeah, thank you. 497 00:19:00,110 --> 00:19:01,210 And thanks, you guys. 498 00:19:01,278 --> 00:19:02,244 Any time. 499 00:19:02,312 --> 00:19:04,046 Look, Pierce and I are considering 500 00:19:04,113 --> 00:19:06,681 rejoining the group, and maybe we can all be 501 00:19:06,749 --> 00:19:07,749 a little more mature. 502 00:19:07,817 --> 00:19:09,250 I hear that. 503 00:19:09,318 --> 00:19:11,085 Abed, I've had enough of this list. 504 00:19:11,153 --> 00:19:12,486 Doing this stuff isn't fun. 505 00:19:12,554 --> 00:19:13,854 It just feels forced. 506 00:19:13,922 --> 00:19:16,289 Fine. I'll deactivate Boobatron. 507 00:19:16,357 --> 00:19:17,724 But trust me, classic college experiences 508 00:19:17,792 --> 00:19:20,126 never happen organically. 509 00:19:21,962 --> 00:19:23,796 Both: [gasp] 510 00:19:23,864 --> 00:19:24,997 [laughs] 511 00:19:26,867 --> 00:19:28,234 Both: Food fight! 512 00:19:28,302 --> 00:19:29,435 Oh, no! 513 00:19:29,503 --> 00:19:33,106 [shouting] 514 00:20:26,288 --> 00:20:28,622 Are you sure it's the name of my grade school 515 00:20:28,690 --> 00:20:30,658 - and my favorite soft drink? - Yup. Pretty sure. 516 00:20:31,225 --> 00:20:32,895 George Washington Lemon Fresca. 517 00:20:33,963 --> 00:20:35,129 That's a horrible porn name. 518 00:20:35,197 --> 00:20:36,297 I don't make the rules. 519 00:20:36,365 --> 00:20:37,399 What's yours? 520 00:20:37,466 --> 00:20:38,867 Henry David Thoreau Diet Squirt. 521 00:20:38,935 --> 00:20:40,002 Oh, that's good. 522 00:20:40,069 --> 00:20:42,104 Hello, Henry David Thoreau Diet Squirt. 523 00:20:42,172 --> 00:20:43,506 How many pornos have you been in? 524 00:20:43,573 --> 00:20:46,042 6,012. How many pornos have you been in, 525 00:20:46,110 --> 00:20:47,377 George Washington Lemon Fresca? 526 00:20:47,445 --> 00:20:49,179 2,019. It's my first week. 527 00:20:49,246 --> 00:20:50,513 Impressive. 528 00:20:50,581 --> 00:20:51,481 - Thank you. - You're welcome. 529 00:20:51,549 --> 00:20:54,451 [porn music plays] 530 00:20:54,819 --> 00:20:57,855 Someone here order a pizza? 531 00:20:57,922 --> 00:20:59,289 Is it you guys? 532 00:20:59,357 --> 00:21:00,891 It has extra sausage. 533 00:21:00,959 --> 00:21:03,894 - No. - It's big and hot. 534 00:21:03,962 --> 00:21:05,462 That's my pizza. 535 00:21:05,530 --> 00:21:07,331 But you took longer than 30 minutes, 536 00:21:07,399 --> 00:21:10,166 So I'm not paying. 537 00:21:10,167 --> 00:21:17,167 Sync by honeybunny Resync by Pippo Inzaghi